Hello, welcome to or welcome back to Trying to Take Care.
If you're new here, my name's Ashley and I'm so happy to have you.
I'm so excited that I can finally tell you this.
I know I'm so annoying.
That's like, I didn't need to keep this a secret, but I just wanted to make sure that it happened before I announced it.
But I just bought my first house.
And if you've listened to a couple of my episodes, you might be a little confused because a couple months ago, I said that we were not buying a house because we were looking for a little bit it and then we had decided that it just wasn't in the cards for us it was too expensive there were all these things happening and we were going to stay at the house we were renting for another year but things just happened really quickly and I decided I wanted to buy a house probably like a couple days after I posted that episode saying that we weren't going to buy a house anymore I was talking to Josh and he
was like you know what I do want to buy a house and that really threw me off because if you don't know next year we're getting married and a wedding is expensive a house is expensive I thought it was one or the other but we decided we wanted to start looking again and just see what's out there and see if it was the right thing for us to do so like back in April maybe a little before April we were going to buy a different house we toured it we put an offer in the seller accepted it but I guess the agent was supposed to have the seller sign over the weekend and he didn't and what ended up happening
was someone else had swooped in and offered way more like I'm talking like $50 ,000 more than we did and the seller naturally selected them at the time I was so frustrated and upset about it because we had finally found a house and if you're buying a house right now you know how difficult it is to actually get a house because everyone outbids you and the houses themselves are way too expensive and there's all these other things that can go wrong so we were just really excited that we finally found a house in a good good area.
It was within our budget.
But the reality of that situation was I didn't love the house.
The house didn't tick a lot of our boxes.
The only boxes that really ticked was it was in a good area.
It had a backyard and it was in our budget.
I was definitely settling because in my mind, I thought if I'm going to buy a house, there's no way I'm going to find another house at this price in a good area I just felt it was this or nothing if I don't buy this house I'm not going to be able to buy a house in the next couple years so although I was really frustrated that we had lost this house it was kind of a sense of relief that it didn't work out because I knew it wasn't the house it was just a house which was better than the situation that we were in renting so when my realtor relayed the news that we didn't get the house I immediately
went on Zillow and started looking at other houses and just wanted to get the ball rolling I think within like 10 minutes of him telling us that we didn't get it I sent him like five other houses that I liked and there was one house on Zillow that when I saw it I knew immediately I was gonna love it I had always told Josh I want a yellow house with a white porch and this was a yellow house with a white porch seeing this house in person i walked out of that tour in tears i was standing in the driveway looking at the house and i was just gutted leaving because i wanted the house so badly and i was like
there's no way we're gonna get it because people were outbidding us on houses so much smaller with the yard being not as big as this one i was like there's just no way that people aren't going to outbid us and we can't afford to pay any higher than the asking price so we went home I sent the offer and I think it was the next day that my realtor was like there's two other people viewing it so I don't know it might not happen and in my mind I'm like okay well it's not happening like that sucks but it's not gonna happen but because the agent had made that mistake with the other house and kind of messed
up the signing for that house they ended up calling the the seller's agent for this house and putting a good word for us and then my dad ended up knowing the mortgage guy that was helping me with the mortgage.
So then he called the agent or the realtor for these sellers and put in a good word and they chose me.
They accepted my offer and I got the house.
Long story short, I bought a house and I'm a homeowner now which is insane.
I'm in disbelief that it worked out but I'm so grateful that it did.
I'm currently sitting on my mattress that's on the floor in my new bedroom we have no furniture so if it's echoey that's why I wasn't even going to record an episode this week because of how chaotic everything is right now this house is a mess and I just didn't know where I would record it I didn't know what I was going to talk about but I'm just so happy and excited and I want to share this moment with you and buying this house has taught me such a bigger lesson and that's what I want to share with you today I want want to talk about detaching to get what you want.
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I was so set on buying a house and buying a house in x amount of time.
I was almost giving myself this imaginary timeline that I had to buy a house by like June 1st because if we don't buy it by this time, then we're stuck another year.
So in my head, I'm like I need to do it this way and only this way and I need this house and if I I don't get this house, then I'm stuck.
I was about to settle and buy a house that didn't meet my requirements, didn't fit my needs, and it wasn't what I actually wanted.
And now I think about what if that agent didn't mess up and I had moved into that house that I didn't love?
I would have missed out on my dream house.
I would have missed out on such an incredible thing all because I was focused on one outcome.
I wasn't open to anything else working.
when I let go of the idea of buying that house and I just let myself be okay with things working out differently that's when I was blessed with my dream house I remember the frustration that I felt when my realtor told me that I had lost the house I was annoyed I was sad I was just like of course this would happen to me of course this is happening but then I reminded myself like girlfriend you You didn't even really like this house.
And also just breathe.
Everything's going to be okay.
Like this isn't working out because something better is going to work out for you.
Whatever happens, it's going to be for the best. And I truly believe that because it had happened before.
It was kind of the same deal when moving into the house we were renting for the past two years.
There were so many things that had gone wrong that had led us to such an incredible house to rent.
So I just reminded myself of that situation and when we were leaving the house after we toured it and I was like in tears leaving although I was so sad because I truly believed someone was going to outbid us I said to myself if this is meant for me it's going to work out and if it doesn't work out it just means something better is coming my way with all that being said I want to talk about the art of detachment detaching from things to get what you want.
I've learned when you force things they never work out at least not the way that you want them to.
It's really been the times where I just let things be how they needed to be and the right things ended up falling into my lap and things worked out better than they would have if I tried to interfere.
One thing that you need to understand is you can't control anything or anyone all you can control is your actions and how you react or respond to things you can't make someone be good to you or want to be with you or be a good friend or choose you you can't make something happen if it's just not in the cards for you or if it's not the way that things are naturally unfolding I know how frustrating it can be when you really want something to work out and you believe that you're the best fit for that person or that job or whatever it is and then it doesn't work out but what you need to learn is no matter
what you do no matter how great you are no matter how giving you are if something is not meant for you it will not be yours it's like trying to change the weather wanting it to be sunny but there's a severe storm warning you could pray on it you can manifest better weather you could contact an etsy witch to make the weather change but if the weather is set to rain and thunder there's nothing more that you can do then figure out how you want to respond to that new situation you can huff and puff and throw a temper tantrum and continue on with your plans that were meant to be in sunny warm weather
or you can make a new plan you could do a rain check you can make new arrangements to fit the weather but you can't change the weather you can't always make people change you can't always change someone's mind you can't always be in control of the narrative all you can do is adapt and do Do what's best for you in that moment.
But the focus has to be on you and what's in your control.
Not how to control anything or anyone else.
Another thing that you need to understand is the tighter you squeeze, the less you have. I think about when I was younger and I was dating guys that, if I'm being honest, just weren't very into me and were not committed to me.
But I very much wanted the relationship or the situationship to work.
So when they would do something like cheat on me or talk to another girl or disrespect me instead of letting them go I clung tighter to them I became needier and it was very apparent that these guys had so much power over me I thought that me being super available and me being super open to them and closed off to everyone else would make them want me more but it actually did the opposite it actually repelled them and it made them do more hurtful things to me because they knew they could.
They knew that they had control over me and the tighter I squeezed them, the less of them I had.
I reeked of desperation.
I wanted it to work so badly and at the time I thought this guy is the only way for me to be happy.
This guy is the only only way for me to be loved.
I became so attached to them that I lost them and thank God I did.
Like thank God I did but at the time I was just devastated and I just didn't understand why it wasn't working.
Why this person didn't want to be with me.
I was trying so hard to make it work and it was because I was trying so hard and don't get it twisted.
Trying is important.
You should try. Trying is cool.
Trying is how you get the things that you want but I was trying to force something that wasn't meant for me and I was closed off to any other opportunities or solutions.
The more that you try to control things or people the farther you push them away from you because you're creating resistance.
The more that you try to control things the more tension and distance you create rather than bringing these things closer to you in the way that you want to.
I thought me giving those people full access to me would make them want me more but it made them them want me less desperation isn't cute even if you have the best intentions like think about if someone was blowing up your phone and you don't respond to them at first you're like okay whatever but the more they do it you're like how are they not getting the message that I don't want to talk to them or think about a friend of yours who gets mad at you when you don't text them back or a friend that gets mad when you hang out with other people they're doing that because they want more more of you
because they care because they like you but it's pushing you farther away because you're like why are they trying to micromanage me why are they trying to control me now you're taking a step away from the friendship even though all this person wanted was to be closer to you now this friend of yours is getting the opposite of what they wanted all because they were trying to force things rather than just letting you be the way that you are anything you chase will run run from you.
If you're overly eager or desperate to get something and you're only set on that one thing and you're not open to any other possibilities, you're going to push that thing away because you're putting way too much pressure on it.
Also, when you're chasing something or you're chasing someone, you're giving it this illusion that it's hard to get, that you need to pursue it so strongly or else it's going to get away.
Like a perfect example of this, it's a stupid example but it's it fits is like when you're trying to catch a seagull at the beach if you just let it be if you whip out a sandwich it's gonna waddle over you it's gonna get close to you but when you go to chase it it flies away if you think that something or someone is hard to get or you put it on a pedestal and you think that you can't get anything greater greater than that, you need that thing, you're not going to get it.
Anything you put on a pedestal will always be out of reach to you.
With that being said, you need to let go of control and you need to learn how to detach. Focus on what you can control, a .k .a.
focus on you. When you focus all your attention on someone else or something else, that's where all the energy is going and And it becomes apparent that this person or this thing has power over you.
When you focus so much on a person, they focus on themselves too.
If you're gassing them up and making them feel like the most important person in the world and you're making them believe that you can't do better than them, they're gonna believe that.
They're gonna be like, oh shit, I am the shit.
I can do whatever I want.
I can get whoever I want.
So I'm gonna. when you're so needy and so willing to give everything to a person to date them or be friends with them you are increasing their value while lowering your own especially if time and time again this person openly disrespects you and is not deserving of you you're telling this person it's okay for you to treat me like this because I can't do better I need you I need you regardless regardless of how you look at me or how you treat me.
And that's exactly what was happening in past relationships of mine.
I gave all of my power away to those guys and they ran with it.
I wanted to be in a relationship.
I wanted to be in a committed, exclusive relationship.
But because I gassed those guys up and made them believe they could do whatever they wanted and they wouldn't lose me, they took advantage of that.
And I didn't get what I wanted.
Thank God I didn't.
but those guys didn't see my value because I was decreasing mine to increase theirs.
I wish I knew then that when you focus on you and you do the things that you love, you stay busy, you at least act unbothered.
You don't have to be actually unbothered, but at least act like you're unbothered and you don't give all of your power away to someone.
That's when they want you.
That's when they fold.
that's when they gravitate towards you because they see your value too.
They see you valuing your time.
They see the fact that you love you.
So they're like, if they can love themselves so much, they must be an incredible person.
They must be a fun person.
They must be a smart person.
They must be a person I want to be around.
People are much willing to be around you if you want to be around you, if you like you, if you respect you.
Like think about it.
Wouldn't you rather date someone who is secure in themselves and wants to be with you but is okay with being alone than someone who's so desperate to be with you because they think they can't be with anyone else or they're not okay with being alone or they think no one's ever gonna love them or they just like think the lowest of themselves and all they do is complain and whine and try to control what you're doing?
Wouldn't you rather be with someone who's confident, who has their shit together or or at least is trying to have their shit together.
Like I was saying before, you can't control other people.
If someone doesn't want you, they don't want you.
I know you think the sun shines out of their asshole.
I know you think they're the best things in sliced bread.
They're not. At least not for you.
Because if they were the best fit for you, they would see how incredible you are.
You wouldn't have to cling.
you wouldn't have to give your all to this person just for them to notice you or to respect you or to want you that goes for friendships too like I know you think those friends are the most fun people in the entire world I know you think that if you don't hang out with them or if you don't speak to them you're gonna be so bored you're gonna be so lonely but there's so many people out there that aren't going to make you feel like you have to throw yourself at them for them to invite you to places or for them to respond to your text or just to be nice to you to consider you I know you think that if you
try really hard and you're super nice to them you're super giving you buy them presents you compliment them you ask them to go out with you they're gonna wanna they're gonna want to be around you more but the people who are meant for you are not going to make you do all of that they're just gonna want to be around you they're just gonna want to be in your presence.
That's enough for them.
Part of detaching is forcing yourself to not force things.
Letting people be who they are and if they don't align naturally with you, if they're not as interested in you as you are them, let them go.
Let them be. Don't try to make them want you more.
Don't try to make them want to be around you.
If they aren't what you need and if they aren't willing to give you what you want remove yourself you can't make someone be what you want them to be but you you I'm talking to you you can make your own decisions you can make new friends you can go on other dates you can spend time alone and just enjoy your own company that's so much better than trying to force things with people that don't want you and I know that's harsh but But like if they wanted you, you would know.
I know that it's easier said than done.
But for me, it was easier to detach when I began telling myself that there's better coming.
I truly started to believe that the only way for me to get what I wanted was to let go of what I didn't want.
You know, I was trying to make people be what I wanted them to be.
but all I had to do was let go of them to make room for people who naturally aligned with me I was chasing things that weren't meant for me rather than making room for things that did you know that saying when one door closes another door opens it's true things in life naturally come and go and I know that loss is really hard because in the moment all you can focus on is the fact that you're losing something but that's how we make room for better things you can't hold onto things that aren't no longer serving you and then expect to have room for things that are meant for you and that are right
for you like my house for example in the moment losing that other house or even just touring other houses and not finding what I wanted made me upset but now I'm able to look back at all those losses and be thankful for it because I wouldn't have been led to this house that I'm living in now I wouldn't have been given this opportunity if I was so set on making other things work that just weren't meant for me I think it's a lot easier to let go of things when you release control and you allow yourself to find peace in things not working because you know that there's a bigger reason or a better
plan ahead of you I mean think back to all the times in your life where things didn't go the way that you wanted and now you're able to look back on it it and be grateful that it didn't work out that way.
Failed relationships, failed friendships, failed opportunities.
At the time you were probably really upset that they didn't work out but as you've gotten older and you've gotten more experience and you've met other people and you've tried other things you're like oh my god yes thank you thank goodness it didn't work out thank god I was brought here instead of there.
This is kind of an off -topic tangent but it ties together but I remember when I was younger I would be so jealous and insecure of my boyfriend's exes at the time whereas now with my fiance I have no jealousy or hatred towards any person that he's been with or liked because well one I'm secure now but two it's like you had to be with those people for them to lead you to me I'm so happy that you experienced that and those relationships didn't work out and And now you're with me.
And the same thing for him.
It's like I had to go through all of those terrible relationships to be brought to him.
Yeah, it sucked at the time.
Yeah, I was heartbroken at the time.
But I'm grateful that I went through that and it didn't work out because now I'm here where I need to be with my fiance.
At the house that we were at before the one we just moved out of, we were only there for a couple months.
But there were so many things that had gone wrong.
we had gas leaks all the time our landlord just made me feel really uncomfortable and unsafe and when we had to move out of that house I was really upset because I liked living in a house rather than an apartment like we lived in before that house and I just didn't think we were going to find another house in such a short amount of time because it was really quick that we had to make a decision to leave that house but I remember telling myself if not this then better this is not not the end goal there's always going to be a level up and even when we were thinking of leaving the house we were just
renting I remember having a conversation with Josh and telling him like there's always going to be better than this house this house is great but we're always going to level up there's always going to be something better the next house we live in it's going to be huge it's going to have a big yard we're going to have a bathtub we're going to have all of these things and we deserve it it's going to happen and it did so that's what I tell myself when something doesn't work out if it's not this then it's better if it's not working out it's because something is trying to make its way to me and who am
I to stand in the way of that who am I to stand in the way and interfere with something that is clearly trying so hard to reach me I truly don't think that you can mess up or lose something that is right for you or is meant for you like the house situation I was so worried that if I didn't get that house I wasn't going to get a house but it's like I can't miss what's meant for me it's going to find its way for me it might not look the way that I think it's going to look but it's going to happen regardless I might not be able to visualize it right away but it's going to happen the opportunity the relationship
the thing is going to find you for example I've always wanted to do social media I started making YouTube videos when I was in middle school and I had a hard time making it work but I truly believe this is what I'm meant to be doing so that right opportunity found me it might have taken 10 years but if it's meant for you it will find you regardless of the time or the timeline there was a time where I thought that I was too late and social media wasn't going to work out and I wasted my time and I should have started 10 years ago and it's like yeah maybe I should have started 10 years years ago
maybe I should have tried harder 10 years ago but you can't mess up what's right for you what's meant for you will find you it might not find you in the way that you're expecting it it might not work out exactly the way that you think it will but that's a good thing there is an infinite amount of ways to get what you want you don't need to be stuck on getting it one specific way and it's the same thing with people there's a whole world of people out there you You don't need that one person to love you.
If you're trying so hard to make someone love you or want you, take a step back and realize it's not the person you want, it's the feeling, it's the affection, it's the love, and there is a whole world of people out there that can give it to you.
You don't need that one person to do that.
Just because it doesn't work out with this one person doesn't mean that you're doomed and you're never going to find love.
It's going to happen, just not in the way that you're picturing it.
rejection is redirection and i know it's hard to see that in the moment but you need to let go of the things that aren't working to make room for things that will work for you sometimes things do need to fall apart so better things can come together if something's not working out whether it be a friendship or a relationship or a job whatever it is that's falling apart just know that's happening because something better is trying to make its way to you but it can't reach you until you let go of that thing that you're holding on so tight to.
I want to end this episode with giving you one of my favorite quotes currently.
I found it on TikTok.
I will admit that. But it is, everything I've lost has been replaced with something better.
I never lack. I just transition.
It's not a loss if you're being given something in return.
It might be a person.
It be a new opportunity it might just be a lesson but when you lose something you always gain something but you won't see that until you detach from that thing that you're so set on and allow yourself to be open for anything be open to all the possibilities all the potential things happen happen in really weird mysterious ways in ways that you can't even dream up but they do happen and when they do happen it's like wow I can't believe I almost missed out on this because I was so closed off or so focused on that one thing that I don't even want anymore I thought I wanted it but I don't need it
you know there's so much more out there allow yourself to see what's out out there allow yourself to experience new things and new opportunities and just everything that you're deserving of and that's right for you and meant for you but that is where i'm going to end today's episode i'm a mess right now i'm like looking at my blanket and there's fur everywhere my blanket's dirty okay in the video clips for tiktok and instagram you're gonna be like ew ew, ew, you grimy little gremlin.
Okay, give me a break.
I'm moving. I got to wash my blankets and I need to get my house together.
I mean, I'm sitting on the floor.
My mattress is on the floor right now.
I need to put my bed together.
I need to move some boxes.
I still have to go to the other house.
The other house. Look at me being like, I have two houses right now.
I only have the other house until July 1st and then I'm getting booted out of there, but i have to go to the other house to get more stuff i have a lot of stuff so i'm gonna do that after this and i hope that you liked today's episode if you did let me know and if you want to keep up with the whole moving saga and the new house saga i'm gonna be posting a lot on instagram and tiktok this house doesn't really need a lot of work we're gonna be renovating little things doing the walls and stuff and I'm gonna record all that and post it for you so if you're interested in that if you like home improvement
or you just want to keep up with what I'm doing my Instagram TikTok and my YouTube are all linked in the show notes but that's everything and I love you thanks for hanging out with me today and I love you did I say that already all right I love you I'll say I love you a million times I gotta go okay goodbye I'll see you next Monday © transcript Emily Beynon
