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Love now and all. Love was stronger than anything.
I feel loved. And I love you more than anything.
Just love. When Townsend Davis and his wife Bridget got married, their wedding honestly sounded like one of the wackiest I've ever heard of.
First off, Bridget was five months pregnant.
She arrived via speedboat since the wedding was on a lake.
She was barefoot and wearing a dress that had been made just the day before.
Townsend told me he remembers her stepping off the boat, running up the dock to the ceremony, and feeling like everything was just so right.
So Bridget. She'd organized the whole thing herself.
Her idea was Thanksgiving in September.
That was the atmosphere that she was shooting for.
Wait, she explicitly said, I want this to be Thanksgiving in September?
Yes, she says I want Thanksgiving in September.
Tell me why she wanted it.
So we had a turkey, that was our wedding of food, our banquet.
Wait, tell me why Thanksgiving, a Thanksgiving themed wedding was something that she wanted.
She just loved Thanksgiving.
It was her favorite holiday.
And I think she just, what she liked about it was the ability to have a core group, which is our family, and add people to it.
And it was the biggest holiday, more so than Christmas or Hanukkah or Easter or Passover.
For a time, things went smoothly.
Townsend and Bridget had two kids, built careers, and enjoyed nearly a decade of Thanksgiving dinners together as a family.
But then Bridget got some news that would change everything.
Her marriage and the life she and Townsend had built together.
She was diagnosed with early onset Alzheimer's.
And how she and Townsend dealt with it is truly remarkable.
From the New York Times, I'm Anna Martin.
This is Modern Love.
Each week we bring you stories inspired by the Modern Love column.
This week's episode is based on Townsend's Modern Love essay, A Family Dinner With My Wife and Girlfriend.
It's a Thanksgiving story unlike any other.
Stick with us. So, Townsend, you and your wife, Bridget, were married for more than 10 years before she got a really difficult diagnosis.
But before we talk about that, I want to know what was Bridget like?
How would you describe her?
What was she like as a partner, as a parent?
Yes. So, she was very much about not sweating the small stuff, didn't make the kids make their bed or learn a sport or learn an instrument.
She just wanted to have as many friends in the house and sleepovers, you know, at the drop of a hat.
And one thing she did do later in life that became a real anchor for her is that she started drawing cartoons.
One day, my son was taking paper lunch bags to lunch in third grade.
And she scrawled with a Sharpie, a little cartoon figure.
Do you remember what the cartoon was?
I think it was of my son as a bird.
And then it probably took her 30 seconds.
And then he wanted more of those.
And then his friends started wanting them.
And one thing went to another, and she started cartooning for real, all self -taught.
And each member of the family was an animal, and all the friends got different animal characters.
What were you? I was a moose.
And why were you a moose, constant?
I still I've racked my brain.
I still don't remember why that how that came to be.
I think maybe because I'm kind of a lumbering, watchful presence compared to her.
I'm a foot taller. You have huge antlers for the listeners.
Right. I don't know if people know that, but it's an unusual feature.
But I think it was more my watchfulness, and compared to her, I was sometimes quiet.
What was she? Did she have a character?
She was a pony. Tell me about that.
Why that selection?
I think just very sort of a perky and peppy and can get herself in trouble pretty quickly.
And one of your sons was a bird, and your other son?
Yes, our oldest, William, was a pup.
Aw, pup. But he always had a beret on because he became a film fan and a filmmaker.
Is there one cartoon that she perhaps made of the two of you that you remember, Moose and Pony?
Yes. Yes. Well, the first time we sat down to talk about Alzheimer's, she ended up turning into a cartoon.
No way. Yes. So after I noticed that she was slipping in terms of her executive function, it really wasn't memory at all.
It was, you know, managing a calendar, managing the kids' after -school activities and things like that seemed out of character.
So we sat down in December of 2013 and had a serious conversation.
And, you know, genius that I am, I decided, oh, well, maybe she has late onset ADHD.
That was my theory.
So I floated that theory and she howled with laughter.
She thought it was the funniest thing I had ever said.
And she actually took a list of supposed symptoms and turned to me and basically cross -examined me and said, let's see, am I a risk taker?
No. Am I have trouble finishing books?
Laffable. She had like over a thousand books on her Kindle, you know, and just went like point by point by point rebutting this idea.
And then she did a cartoon about it.
Wow. And in the cartoon, I'm this bumbling Moose doctor who's telling her that she has ADHD and she's basically laughing it off.
Wow. So and then for two years, you know, we didn't really talk about it.
When did you first start to sense that something was off with Bridget?
What were some of the signs that led you to the two of you to seek medical attention?
So the very first time I remember this coming up, she was still in her late forties and we were driving with the kids in the backseat and we were talking about submitting health insurance forms.
I guess we were still on her health insurance from work.
And for some reason, she just could not get the claim submitted.
And I just couldn't understand someone who was so organized and capable, couldn't get this done.
And I remember I got so upset I was driving.
I had to pull the car over and probably saying something like, you know, just do it.
Can't you just do it?
You don't understand.
You're so good. You know, you can do things like this with your eyes closed.
She would say, oh, you're making too much of a big deal of it or or she would make excuses.
You know, they keep saying they've lost it.
I said, yeah, but you know what to do.
You just keep submitting it until they till they accepted it.
And and I just couldn't understand it.
So that's the first I remember.
Of course, that could have been nothing.
Sure. And it could have been completely unrelated.
And then it was more managing a calendar later when the kids got older and busier.
And anytime something slipped, either a missed appointment or a lost homework or something like that, something like that, she would she would just brush it off and say, you're making to make a big deal of it.
You're the one that needs control.
And then she started blaming her computer.
She started saying, oh, the software is is is, you know, it's it's planned obsolescence.
They're trying to get us to buy new computers.
This is someone who was super proficient in Excel and very proficient with with all the Outlook software and and the kinds of things you use in her in her job, which we had sort of imported into our personal life.
And so this just became out of character.
But she always had an excuse and she always got fell back on the parenting style I talked about earlier, which is, you know, I don't sweat the small stuff.
You do. And this is just a difference we're having.
There's nothing going on.
Was that convincing to you?
No, not at all, because it just I mean, I doubted I doubted myself because, yes, things were hard and I was having a really hard time at work.
It was a very intense period of child rearing as well when the kids are preteens.
And so I noticed I would sometimes say something and then I just often would keep it to myself because it was always such a fraught area.
Because she it sounds like she would get quite defensive, very defensive and always had an answer.
So and I think eventually things started happening, like her friends organized a 50th birthday party for a small group of her old, old friends in Manhattan, just women only.
She forgot. She forgot to show up.
They called me from the restaurants.
Where is she? And then she apologized.
But that was very out of character.
I was you know, she was 50 at that point.
What did she say when you called her, like your friends, you know, forgotten or I must have I must have made a mistake with the calendar or something.
And then that caused a rift with some of those friends, you know, all of whom forgave her ultimately.
But we're very, very angry with her.
And so when did you learn that it was actually Alzheimer's?
Did Bridget decide to go see a doctor?
Yes. So in 2015, so a few years at this time, she's 51.
Gotcha. I just at the time didn't even know what early onset Alzheimer's was.
We thought maybe it was menopause.
We thought maybe it was ADHD.
So I remember the doctor gave her just a basic tabletop cognitive test from her laptop.
Were you there with her in the room?
I was there sitting right next to her and it was a classic, you know, initial neuropsych battery with all the usual questions and asking her to draw the hands of a clock to show a certain time and and I could see that she was bombing it.
And I didn't say anything and the doctor stopped didn't even complete the test.
She stopped and said, look, and just to back up for a minute, when we initially made the appointment, we went there and Bridget said to the doctor, oh, I'm just here because my husband is making me.
I don't think anything is going on.
But, you know, just to humor him.
Let's, you know, I'm here to be tested.
She does the test. She bombs it.
And then the doctor looks right at her and said, well, I hate to say this, but your husband is right.
Something is going on that is ahead of schedule.
And it's not just natural aging or menopause.
You need to see a neurologist.
And even I was taken aback by how swiftly she had come to that conclusion.
And then we went through a whole six month process of testing that was also very trying.
When you're leaving this initial this first appointment where the doctor says you need to see a neurologist, do you remember saying anything in particular to her or her saying anything particular to you?
I don't remember specific words, but I do remember that it brought us closer that I said, wherever we're going with this, we're going together.
Let's see where this goes.
And we were it was it was a bonding moment.
I remember going home and I mean, what I really remember was the day of the diagnosis.
It came. Tell me about that later.
Yes. So there's six months of testing.
Six months of testing.
And during the process, they were ruling out other things.
So by the time we went to the neurologist, they had ruled everything else out.
So she spent about a half an hour going through all the tests and what they showed.
Bridget and I are side by side and I remember listening and getting frustrated with the doctor.
Why are we going over these tests again?
Can't you get to the bottom line faster?
And finally the neurologist looked at us with tears in her eyes and said, I'm sorry to tell you this, but you have a neurodegenerative disease that is consistent with Alzheimer's.
And we don't have any other explanation.
And Bridget said, and I remember this because she grabbed my hand and said, what will I do about the children?
And, um, and, you know, we, we sat there and took it in and then we asked a couple of questions.
Should we do more testing?
And the neurologist said, don't bother.
This is pretty clear.
You could spend money for more.
Um, PET scans or, or, or whatever.
And, um, but really you should start living your new life with Alzheimer's.
And her first question after asking what she'll do about the children is how much time do I have?
And the doctor sort of gave a rather vague answer.
I think she said something like you have, you know, between five and 25 years or something like that, which is not super helpful in terms of trying to, to envision the rest of your life.
And then I really remember coming home on the subway after that appointment and lying down on the bed.
It was the middle of the day.
It was a Thursday, June 16th.
And we laid on the bed, holding hands, looking up at the ceiling.
And I remember the kids, the kids came home from school.
We're banging on the door and we were ignoring them and just trying to take it in.
And then that night we were like, okay.
Well, eventually we got up and said, all right, well, we have to go to the pharmacy and get our first meds and start this new life together.
And I was like, okay, I guess that means I'm now the caregiver and she is now the cared for person.
And like our roles became visible at that point.
Although we had done, you know, we had cared for each other in a different way in the marriage.
But and then I remember we went to the pharmacy and got the meds and took the meds and like bought our first pillbox and came home.
And then we, I remember we had, we decided to have a drink on the deck at the back of our house in Brooklyn.
And I had a beer and I don't remember.
Maybe she had like a blueberry soda or something.
Supposedly blueberries are good for you.
Not that there's any blueberries in the soda.
And she said, what does it have again?
And I thought she was kidding.
I was just kidding.
I was like, you kidding?
No, what is it? I know we have something.
I have something. Yeah.
And I said, it's Alzheimer's.
And she goes, Oh, yeah.
Yeah, right. Okay, so.
Yeah. And then we just I just remember the quiet moment in the back deck where we're just taking a deep breath and Thompson, I mean, can you tell me, how did you feel when you realized she wasn't joking?
Like, she didn't remember.
I thought it was funny, because I was like, after all this, like, we use the word Alzheimer's a lot in terms of wondering what it might be.
And the doctor just told us all about it.
And so I really thought she was kidding.
And it would have been that would have been in character.
But she wasn't she wasn't kidding.
She really didn't know.
I don't think she was getting now.
It didn't look like it to me.
You know, I guess I'm wondering, was there a moment like that maybe further along months or years later, where you realized like, okay, this disease has really progressed.
And the Bridget I know is not the Bridget standing in front of me anymore.
Was there a moment like that that you can point to?
It was in May of 2022.
And I was standing in the kitchen, it was a Saturday morning, I think I was making breakfast or something.
And she came down. And she said, Oh, hi, Marcia, to me.
And Marcia is a name of our longtime housekeeper who also cooks.
But she wasn't there that day.
And, you know, for months before that, she had been calling other people towns, and she had been calling me by other names.
So there was some looseness with labeling and naming.
So I didn't really count it as a lack of recognition.
Yeah, sort of made sense that she would mistake me for someone who was there.
Yeah. And doing the same kinds of things as the housekeeper, but so it was a gradual process.
It wasn't this like one day she knew me and then she didn't.
But ever since then, she started using all of our names, that is me and the kids and her mom and dad less often.
And in the beginning, she was afraid of getting it wrong.
And now I just don't know.
Yeah, when she called you by it's clear that this date, even if it was gradual sticks in your mind, when she called you Marcia, what did you feel?
I this was the moment I was dreading the most.
When is she not going to recognize me?
What's that going to look like?
What am I going to do about it?
Yeah, I had a whole movie scene in my head of how it would go.
Yeah. Like she would say, well, wait, who are you?
And I would say, I'm Townsend, I'm the moose.
I'm your husband and she would smile and it would all be fine again.
That wasn't the way I went at all.
Yeah. But yeah, for weeks after that, I went over and over and like, wow, that was it.
That was the moment.
And what does that mean?
Who am I to her now?
What does she know that I'm still her husband?
And what am I to her then?
Okay, at this point, Townsend, you're taking care of Bridget at home.
Her Alzheimer's has clearly progressed significantly.
You're working, you're parenting, you are juggling a ton.
What was that like for you?
How were you doing emotionally?
Well, first of all, by that time I had full time help for her.
Okay. So we had a number of different caregivers who came during the day and also at night because she at that time was very, very agitated and needed a ton of comforting and was starting to need help with her personal care.
Like hygiene, going to the bathroom, stuff like that.
Yeah, feeding, getting dressed and everything.
So in some ways my job as a caregiver had gotten a little easier.
You'd help, yeah. But starting with that moment in May of 2022, she was not seeing me as her husband or appeared to not be knowing me as her husband any longer.
So those existential questions about what am I to her?
What is she to me? How do I arrange things?
What should I do with myself?
We're percolating. Were you lonely?
Yes, I was, for sure.
Did you? Even though I probably wouldn't have admitted it.
I was going to say, did you admit that?
No, I said, I'm very active.
I've got all my friends.
I've got my men's doubles on Wednesdays.
And you know, people did take pity on me.
And so if they had an extra theater ticket, you know, it would be like the third wheel on in the third, going to the theater with a couple or, or filling in for someone who could make it.
Did you think about trying to meet someone else?
Like romantically? Not actively, no.
I mean, was that something you and Bridgette had ever talked about when she was still able to have those kinds of conversations?
Yeah, I don't remember exactly when or where this was, but sometimes shortly after the diagnosis, she said to me in kind of an offhand way, she said, you know, you know, you're going to have to find someone else, you know, when I'm gone.
And I just remember it being an act of empathy on her part, that she was picturing me being alone.
And I was like, what are you talking about?
I'm not ready to think about that.
That's crazy. I kind of shut it down, I think, because I wanted to focus on what we still had.
I couldn't really imagine a life without her.
I kind of said, honey, that's, you know, I can't think about that.
There's so much else to think about.
I can't think about that.
I can't think about that.
And I want to, it's clashes with us like being here together.
So I sort of blew it off.
I didn't want to hurt her, hurt the children or her parents.
And again, that point at which she used a different name for me, I didn't know exactly what she could perceive.
So I just decided I didn't need a partner.
I decided I'll get different things from different people.
And I felt pretty good day to day.
I just thought it was enough to have a full life.
After the break, Townsend surprises himself when he meets someone special.
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Welcome back. So at this point, Townsend had all but written off finding a new partner.
Bridget and him were still married, so trying to date again just seemed too complicated.
He still loved Bridget.
He didn't want to hurt her, even if she didn't seem to recognize him anymore.
But then one day, Townsend got a call from a friend who was pitching him something kind of weird.
Basically, he knew this journalist named Deb, and Deb was interested in learning more about the surf culture in Long Island.
And Townsend was a surfer, so could he show Deb around?
Townsend said, sure, fine.
He started texting with Deb to arrange a meetup.
But the friend told Deb something different.
He told her he was arranging a meet -cute.
And apparently, you can ask Deb, but she said, you know, you're asking me to go meet a married man way out on Long Island somewhere.
You're crazy. I'm not doing that.
So I wasn't thinking of it as a dating prospect at all.
Was she thinking of it as a dating prospect?
I think so. Maybe. Okay.
Okay. It sounds confusing.
The friend's a bit of a puppeteer here.
There's some strings being pulled.
But she showed up in the parking lot with her beach chair and a cooler full of food and sunglasses and sweatpants.
And I thought, great, she looks like she knows her way around a beach.
Hop in. And since she purportedly was there for this surf culture, I was trying to tell her about those things.
But then we went on a walk down to these amazing cliffs, and she, I've come to learn, doesn't think there's any such thing as a personal question.
So she was getting right into it.
What's it like caring for your wife?
So she knew the situation.
Yeah. She did know that.
Okay. And we had talked a bit about that.
And then she said, well, you know, what do you do for companionship?
She asked you that directly on the first time you met?
Yes. So I think I repeated this line of, I'm going to get different things from different people.
Right. I'm doing triathlons.
I'm a rock. I'm an island.
But no, I think she was trying to come clean a little bit by saying, you know, I'm not just here for the surf scene.
You know, my friend thought we might be a good match.
And I said, well, just so you know, I'm not dating anyone.
And how did she react when you said that?
Like, I'm not. She kind of lobs a ball over the net to you and you say, I'm not catching that ball.
You say, like, I'm not dating right now.
How did she react? I think she looked at me from behind those sunglasses and was like, mm -hmm.
Okay, let's see how long that lasts.
No, I think it was amazing to have someone to talk to.
Yeah. And she had had, you know, her own trials and tribulations.
So and she told me about those.
So we just were buddies for a while.
Yeah. And I had forgotten what it was like having that kind of interchange and, you know, texting and sharing funny things and just things that came up.
And we soon got to know each other and gradually.
And we did something together maybe once a week, every two weeks or something.
But we texted more often than that and kind of built from there.
And I was like, wow, this is fun.
I forgot what this feels like.
And I really become much more confident that Bridget would not be harmed.
Well, I mean, I was going to say, like, as you were texting and hanging out more with Deb and it's feeling fun and you're excited, are you also thinking about Bridget in the back of your mind?
Yes. Yes, the whole time.
Yes, of course. What's that like, like a split screen type?
It's just, can I do this?
Can I dip my toe in?
And or is dipping the toe in a betrayal of some kind?
That's a heavy question to ask is you're maybe starting to build something with someone else.
Yeah. But at some point I just thought, what am I waiting for?
I don't see a downside here.
If it's a complete disaster, we'll go back to our separate corners and life will go on us before.
And so after a couple of months of this, of this non -dating, dating and exchanging, you know, some pretty deep emotional things.
Of course, of course.
The whole time. So I said, well, maybe I'll just take it slow.
We'll see. I had a buddy who was like, yeah, just go hang out there in her apartment and take it slow.
Okay. So I mean, it sounds like you decide for yourself, I'm going to go for it.
Right? Like I'm going to make it move.
Right. So what did you do with did you tell Deb this?
No. Okay. So we just already set the rules of engagement at the beach.
We're friends. And that's the way it was going to that's the way it went.
It was actually really fun and amazing.
And no, I didn't really preview this.
I went over to her apartment.
She had been in the emergency room that morning, so her hand was still bandaged from like an infected splinter.
She was wearing the same clothes that she wore to the ER.
She said, well, I'm just going to watch this documentary.
Do you want to watch it with me?
I was like, sure. Her son was working at a restaurant at night.
And then I sort of pulled her toward me on the couch and yeah, taking it slow.
Yeah. It was not, it didn't end up being, uh, didn't end up happening.
So did you watch the documentary?
I don't remember much about the documentary.
I'll leave that to them.
But, um, but it was great.
And then it was just electric.
And then I wanted to see how it felt after that.
I remember going back to the house and where Bridget is, where Bridget is.
And where my son, who was a, Teddy was then a senior in high school is.
And I looked around and I remember wandering around the house and I was like, nothing is burned down.
Nothing is different here.
I feel different inside.
I feel totally alive and electrified by this new relationship possibility.
And I can still care for Bridget.
This is not a conflict.
I can still do her pillbox.
I can still talk to her.
I can still hold her hand, do all the things that we do.
And I was like, okay, maybe, maybe this can work.
I mean, I guess too, like I'm thinking about, again, that conversation with Bridget, where she told you to find something else.
Did it feel like you needed to tell her?
Did you have a moment where you came to her?
It was months, maybe three months later.
And Deb and I had just gone on this surf trip to Costa Rica together.
And I was like, okay, this is going somewhere for real now.
I need to tell Bridget.
And my reason was, if there was an issue, I don't know what I would have done about it.
But if she had reacted negatively, I wanted to know how she felt.
Were you nervous to tell her?
Yes, I was terribly nervous.
I remember scripting it out.
What did you say? Do you remember the words?
Yes. I remember I said, I just want you to know that I've met someone.
And she is my new partner, I think is the word I use.
And I didn't use it with a girlfriend, I didn't use the word lover.
I think I used the word partner.
Because that felt...
Well, that was the description.
That fit the description.
And then I said, but I want you to know that I'm going to take care of you to the end.
Nothing here at home is going to change.
And I'm going to be with you.
I'm going to stay married to you to the end.
And she kind of looked at me.
I remember she was fiddling with the hem of her blanket or something.
And she said kind of quietly, well, I think that's a good idea.
I don't know what she meant.
I don't know if she was reacting to the second part of what I said.
Or the first part of what I said.
Or if I was too vague.
And I kind of, I just wonder if I did it was clear enough.
And she didn't seem upset.
And I was like, okay, well, that's good.
Again, if she had been, I don't know what I would have done.
I would have had a real dilemma there.
And so I was relieved.
And then I remember telling the caregivers, listen, I want you to know, is she upset?
Is she upset that I have a girlfriend?
Is she... You were really looking for fallout here.
Is she using my name?
Is she asking for me?
Is she asking for her husband?
And they to a person said, no, she's not.
She's not agitated.
She's not. But she's also not asking for you, which is...
She's asking for me and she does not appear upset by this news that I've given her.
What about Bridget's family who I assume you were close with?
How did you tell them?
Oh, boy. Yeah, I was nervous about this too.
So telling her parents was a phone call.
They live in San Francisco.
Wow. I'm just thinking about how nervous I was then.
I had the same script that I had used with Bridget, which is I've met someone.
It's serious. It's wonderfully life giving, but I'm still going to take care of Bridget to the end.
So I told them this and they didn't ask a lot of questions, which was okay.
And then her mother said, well, it's about time.
And I said, what do you mean?
And she said, well, we didn't want to be the ones to bring it up, but we expected that this would happen someday.
And we're glad you found somebody nice.
After the break, Townsend tells us about bringing his wife and his girlfriend together for a Thanksgiving meal and what it felt like to continue caring for Bridget while building a new life with Deb.
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So Townsend, at the beginning of this conversation, we talked about how important Thanksgiving was to Bridget and how she loved bringing in new people and expanding the group at the table.
I know from your Modern Love essay that about a year into dating Deb, you decide to invite her to your family's Thanksgiving.
So both your wife, Bridget, and your girlfriend, Deb, will be at the same table.
When did you get the idea to invite Deb to Thanksgiving, or to do Thanksgiving together, as it were?
Yes. By that time, Deb and I had been dating for over a year.
Her children were scheduled to be with her ex -husband.
They had taken turns.
So she didn't have anywhere to go, and I felt like it was our relationship.
I reached that point where I wanted to involve her in family things.
She had already met the children, and she had met Bridget on a number of occasions.
She had met her at an Alzheimer's fundraising walk.
She had met her at Teddy's graduation from high school.
She had met her at an exhibit of Bridget's cartoons, which Deb was instrumental in helping me put on.
So they'd been in a room together a lot.
So I didn't really think much of it.
This felt like a natural extension.
Yeah, a natural extension.
And I didn't think it would be any big deal.
She had met everyone else at the table.
She had met my mom, my kids, my friend who was there.
So I was like, how hard can this be?
So you sit down, set the scene for me.
Where is everyone sitting?
So I'm sitting at the head of this long table.
Deb is to my right.
Bridget is to my left, and I think maybe my mother is in between us.
Bridget is there with the caregiver, or more accurately, there's a place setting for her.
And before she sits down to eat, William got up from the table and said, hello, mother, it's me, William, and goes to approach her.
And Bridget just doesn't seem to react.
But eventually she accepts a hug from him.
And I noticed during that time that Deb was crying quietly.
But then she pulled herself together and was able to get some food, and we ate.
Can I ask you though, when you look over and you realize Deb is crying, do you understand why she's crying?
Not, I thought it was because of what she had just witnessed that she had seen with William and his mom.
And it was that, it was that.
But I didn't, you know, I just squeezed your hand, and I felt that we were going to talk about it later.
And when you did talk about it later, when the dishes were cleared, when the, you know, there's so many dishes, the leftovers are put in the Tupperware.
Like, bring me into the conversation you had with Deb after Thanksgiving.
Well, she had a lot of mixed emotions about the whole night.
So at that point, we're kind of debriefing the whole night.
And about that moment with her son, she said it thought it was really amazing.
Amazing that he was able to embrace her even though she wasn't reacting.
And then I told her that she'd done an amazing job of carrying forward this tradition and, you know, and being part of it.
And she said, yeah, but I still felt like an intruder.
Deb said that. The word she used was interloper, something like that.
What did that feel like to hear?
And I was like, why?
And at first, I really challenged her on it and said, you know, you're such an important part of my life.
Everybody knows it.
You belong here. You were such an incredible addition and presence here.
And she said, yeah, but it's different.
I really felt it was Bridget's holiday.
And she just had these feelings of trespassing on our family tradition.
And eventually I stopped fighting her on it and said, okay, well, I guess I would feel worse if you didn't feel that way.
Sure, sure. And later that night we talked about, you know, I know that we can't be married right now.
And sometimes that's hard for me.
And I said, I understand.
And I thought you, because I had asked her that question many times and she had always.
You'd ask her what questions.
Do you feel in any way compromised because we can't be married?
You'd asked Deb that before.
Yes, that there's some limitation on the relationship.
She always said no.
And now it seems - This night, yes.
This night what she said.
She admitted it, that she felt it, that she felt it, sort of the whole swirl of emotion of being in Bridget's and my home and being part of this tradition.
And I think she felt like part of it and she also felt that it was a limitation too because it wasn't something that just we had created.
And I think she's had lots of - I don't know how many times she's felt that pang since then.
She's never told me that she has.
But I tried to reassure her by saying, you know, we're as - I feel that we are married because of what we do for each other every day.
Wow, what did you mean by that?
Just the way we work together and the way we help each other and enjoy each other.
By that time, it really becomes such a big part of my life.
She had become such a big part?
Yes. And how did she respond to that?
She - I don't remember what she said.
But she took that in.
But it was intense and I - It sounds so intense, Thompson.
I, again, felt a bit silly that I didn't see any of this coming.
Well, it's like you had not anticipated Thanksgiving being so emotional.
It clearly was. You saw her crying.
You'd had so many conversations it sounds like talking about, you know, how Deb felt knowing that you were still married and devoted to caretaking Bridget.
And she'd assured you that, like, she understood and she clearly does understand.
She's like living out a totally empathetic way of treating Bridget and your family.
And - but at the same time, this is a woman that you love telling you, it's really hard for me.
It's really hard for me to be here in this house, to be in this relationship.
It's hard. In this moment, yes.
Yes. It was for her, but I couldn't think of another way that would be better.
Because I wanted her there.
And just as she had been so tolerant of my describing aspects of my marriage, and she always said to me, that's part of you.
It's always going to be part of you.
Of course, I want to know about that.
But I was sort of trying to reciprocate that and say, well, this is part of me.
Can it be part of you, too?
Like, can you can, you know, because I had this sort of geographically convenient system where when I was at her apartment and doing things with her, I wasn't really preoccupied with what was going on at home, their emergencies, and I would check in and make sure things were fine.
And then when I came home, it was a focus on...
Unbridged. Unbridged.
It's so interesting what you're saying.
It's like, this is a real reckoning for both of you at really what it means to love each other fully, for you to love Deb fully and for Deb to love you fully.
Yeah. And I didn't see that it would be that kind of test or turning point.
I just didn't. But in the end, I was so happy to hear her being honest about it and frank about it.
And then since then, she's spent a lot more time with Bridget since that meal.
Tell me about Bridget and Deb's relationship since then.
This is so wild and so unexpected, too.
So Deb has spent time with Bridget since Thanksgiving, more time with her.
And so now Bridget is kind of used to Deb and we've had fun trying to speculate who she thinks Deb is.
I was going to say, yeah.
But I think she's kind of this beneficent presence.
They're about the same height.
And I think she's this sort of warm, very talkative presence that Bridget finds amusing.
When we were setting Bridget up in her new apartment, Deb helped me move the furniture down and she was making up Bridget's bed.
And one of the things Bridget is doing now is she's pacing the length of the apartment.
And I heard her going by and she's pacing and she's got a pillow in her hand and she goes, Deb, good, good, good, good.
I was like, okay, I don't know if she meant that, but okay, that's interesting.
And then after she noticed that Deb was making her bed, she came up to her and said, you are a good person.
No. And I was like, I was stunned.
I mean, I hadn't heard her say something like that in a while and Deb was very touched by that.
And... Thompson, what?
You are a good person?
To her. Yeah. So this was after last Thanksgiving, right?
I would love to know what your plans are for this Thanksgiving.
Well, this will be emotionally rich and interesting too.
So this year it's her turn to have her children for Thanksgiving.
Her as in Deb. Deb has her children.
Deb has three children, yes, who are 29, 28 and 18.
Wow. Okay. And because Deb and I are planning to move in together in Brooklyn and have Bridget live in a separate garden apartment in the same building.
Wow. So that is actually happening right now.
That is, Bridget now lives not in our old bedroom on the top floor, but has our own dedicated ground floor apartment.
Her own space. And in the same building, you and Deb are planning on living...
We are planning on living there in what was my old bedroom, renovated, and done over.
So if she doesn't feel like she's just moving into my whole place, then we're going to have...
We're going to reconfigure things so that there's room for my boys and her youngest child.
So that's in process now.
Wow. But of course, by Thanksgiving, the whole place is going to be a construction site.
There's a big metaphor there, I have to say.
Yes, for sure. So Deb will host Thanksgiving.
So Bridget will come with a caregiver.
Wow. You know. I mean, are you nervous?
Maybe I'll be the one who's crying this time.
Kind of what I was...
Am I nervous? Not any more than anything else did we do.
Yeah. Which is that lack of orthodoxy seems to be something that is very routine for us.
I guess I just wonder, like, if someone were to ask you, Townsend, you're doing Thanksgiving dinner.
With who? How would you explain these two women?
So I'm doing Thanksgiving with my wife, who has Alzheimer's, and my romantic partner.
I mean, it's interesting the reaction you get when you say that.
I was going to say it sounds simple, but does it feel simple to you?
It does to me, yeah.
It does. Really? I'm surprised by that.
Well, just because it's just super clear to me that I want to keep doing it.
I just don't... I can't imagine my life without either of them, really, at this point.
I'm going to ask you, I think, what might be a bit of a corny question to close us, but I hope you'll play ball.
In my family, I'm sure we're not the only family to do this, but, you know, Thanksgiving rolls around and each of us goes around the table and we say a thing we're grateful for.
And I'm hoping you will meet me in the cheese, but really think about this and tell me, it doesn't have to be one thing, but what are you grateful for in your life and in your love right now?
My luck, which is...
takes a lot of different forms, but I keep thinking that I lucked out with Brigitte and with Deb and with my children.
So, just made it continue.
Hearing your story, Townsend, I really...
I mean, you would not say it at the beginning, but hearing this story in full, you are a lucky guy.
You really are a lucky guy.
I'm glad that you can see that.
Townsend Davis, thank you so much for talking to me today.
It's been a pleasure.
Thank you. If you want to read Townsend's modern love essay, a family dinner with my wife and girlfriend, look for the link in our show notes.
Also, before we go, we are working on our end of the year goodbye 2024 episode, so we want to know what was the worst date you went on in 2024.
Tell us the story of what happened and why it was so awful.
Also, tell us what you want to do differently when it comes to love in the new year.
Please note, you do not have to be single to share your story.
If you're partnered and went on a really bad date this year, we want to hear from you too.
To send us your story, record a voice memo and email it to us at modernlovepodcastatnytimes .com.
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Include your name and where you're from, and you just might hear yourself on a future episode of the show.
Modern Love is produced by Riva Goldberg, Davis Land, Emily Lang and Amy Pearl.
It's edited by Lynn Levy and our executive producer, Jen Poiant.
Production management by Christina Joseph.
The Modern Love theme music is by Dan Powell.
Original music by Amun Sahota, Alicia Beitub, Carol Sambaro, Pat McCusker and Rowan Ninistow.
This episode was mixed by Daniel Ramirez.
Studio support from Maddie Masiello and Nick Pittman.
Special thanks to Mahima Chablani, Nell Gologli, Jeffrey Miranda and Paula Schumann.
The Modern Love column is edited by Daniel Jones.
Mia Lee is the editor of Modern Love Projects.
If you want to submit an essay or a tiny love story to the New York Times, we've got the instructions in our show notes.
I'm Anna Martin. Thanks for listening.
Thank you for watching.
