Headspace studio. Hey, y 'all, it's Robin and I am absolutely thrilled to be back with you today.
Joining me are Dora and Headspace mental health coach Corey and we will be answering your questions about navigating unpredictable events, reframing your identity after family members have passed away.
And we have a question about what to do when senior coworkers humiliate or embarrass you.
Stick around everyone, there is lots of advice coming your way.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Or a therapist you can call after a long day.
Or a mental health coach you can lean on for advice.
Someone to help you see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
A podcast where I sit down with headspace experts and we answer your questions.
Hi Dora, hi Cory. It is just lovely to see you both today.
Hi, nice to see you both.
Hello, hello. This is gonna be like you two have such like very calm and easy going energy compared to my freneticness, so I look forward to this combination and my shoulders dropping in about 20 minutes.
I actually said that to somebody about Dora I was presenting I think the Headspace VR and I heard Dora's voice and I was like, Dora.
Hey nah, hey nah, it's not always like this, okay.
Catch me in the 405 traffic and things pop off.
I think I just like to see that so I feel more normal.
All right, please and thank you.
Well, we have a bunch of really great questions today from our community.
I am especially intrigued to hear how you're gonna answer the question about when coworkers treat you badly.
I mean, even the word humiliate you so it's like that is just a big question because work is such a large part of our lives.
But before we get to that, we have a question from Chris which we're gonna kick things off with, so here's Chris.
Hello, my name is Chris and I'm from Ontario, Canada.
I recently moved to Ontario from the other side of the country all alone for an intense 11 month course.
Since the move, I have had a series of unfortunate and uncontrollable events.
One of these events was right before my 18th birthday where I got into a very bad car wreck.
It has been over a week now since the car wreck happened and I have been taking steps to change my life and lifestyle like starting meditation as I feel like it was my wake up call.
The main question I have is how can I focus on school with all these uncontrollable events that have happened in my life and how can I better myself without only wanting it but having the strength and courage to do so, thank you.
Oh, thanks for your question, Chris.
I mean, first of all, we're so sorry to hear you were in an accident and we're glad to hear you're all right.
But I mean, I'd love to hear what you two think.
I mean, the first thing jumped out at me is it just happened a week ago, Chris.
Like that's the first thing that I heard.
So I wanna hear what you all think.
Yeah, I think that's also what came up for me.
And I think when we have roles to play in the world and unpredictable things do happen to us, it's like we tend to want to do the things that we are supposed to be doing rather than tend to the things that need us the most.
And so we may perceive these unpredictable events as being an inconvenience but it also sounds like he has the awareness of like this was an opportunity for him to now change his life.
And so I think it's important to tend to your mind and body because the body's always listening, right?
It's one thing to rationalize and intellectualize what's happened in your mind, you're in a car wreck but how does your body feel and what is the impact of that car wreck on your body?
And I think it takes time.
It takes time and space and distance and yeah, a lot of patience with yourself to be able to work through something as big as that.
So I think yeah, time is a really important thing to remember, regardless of you being a student and just a human, yeah.
What I find helpful in my day -to -day and when life happens is just kind of taking it as it comes but changing my perspective or reminding myself of a different perspective of life.
And one that typically helps me is life is always happening.
I was just telling a friend last night actually that when I was a bit younger, I used to think, oh, when I get to this place, things will settle down, things won't happen.
And then I kept hitting these milestones and I was like, okay, things are still happening and this isn't the way it's supposed to go but I think that was my own flawed logic, right?
And the reality is that life is happening all around us.
And so I think acceptance has been key, acceptance that outside of my physical body, there's not much else that I can control and accepting that, I think it's been really powerful in taking on some of these challenging moments especially when there are things that I have to do.
Like I just started this, there was a project that I started working on and somebody told me, they said, yeah, you may hit this deadline but typically life happens and people struggle.
And the day after we had that conversation, life happened.
And I was like, well, here we are.
So I think just acceptance is pretty powerful but also knowing that no matter what you do, life is gonna continue happening around you but you can still continue to move forward.
Yeah, and there's a journey here for Chris.
We don't know the details of what Chris is trying to overcome or what they're working through but it's just, there's a journey here.
And I don't know, I always think of post pregnancy, the doctors always say for women who are, what am I gonna lose this baby weight?
They're always like nine months in, nine months out.
You didn't put the weight on in a minute.
And I think of that even with my weight struggles sometimes it like didn't put it on in a day, it doesn't come off in a day.
So just like some patience that you just started the work.
Yeah, I think also even reframing, I love this idea of changing our perspective because something I've learned through my own personal practice is like, it's not just one moment or one event that is unpredictable, our entire lives are unpredictable, right?
I don't know what happens when I leave the studio, what's gonna happen before I go to bed tonight, but somehow and maybe this is how the nature of the mind, right, it loves certainty, it loves closure, it loves comfort and control.
So it's gonna seek out those things.
And it's really comfortable for us to think of an event being this big catastrophic event that has impacted our life when there's an opportunity for every single moment and to impact our lives in some way, if we are aware and mindful of the choices and the possibility that exists in each and every single
present moment. But to be honest, we really don't know what's going to happen, but it is those bigger moments, right?
That kind of wake us up to our life and kind of disrupt us from this trance that we're stuck in.
But really we have no idea what's gonna happen next.
And I think finding a sense of comfort in that has allowed me to just be open to those bigger moments of like, I actually didn't know this was gonna happen and it's here and it's happening, but I've been able to cultivate a sense of resiliency to bounce back from these moments.
And so it sounds like this listener is learning how to cultivate that sense of resiliency through hardship, which in future big moments, you'll be able to bounce back and recover quickly.
But if it's your first time doing this, you might have to take a few step backs to be able to be propelled forward whenever you experience big moments like these in your life.
So I love that idea of perspective change because yeah, life is just one big unpredictable journey.
Well, just to drill in on that a little bit, for those of us, I don't know, I might be one of them, a tad bit control oriented who, my eyebrow was twitching when you were saying all that, like, it's just gonna come up, like, how does one become comfortable with the idea that it is not within your control?
Noticing the discomfort.
Asking for a friend.
Yeah, Robin, notice the discomfort, right?
In that, and this could be for anybody that's listening too, noticing the relationship that we have to the discomfort of not wanting to let go of control, right?
How does that belief even feel in your body?
For me, I noticed that and I get really tense.
I'm clenching, I'm literally holding on to the next moment.
So what about if we could just kind of soften our grip and maybe there's affirmations or things that you can tell yourself in the moment, reminding you of that reality of like, I have no idea how this is gonna work out.
Again, it doesn't have to be like A, B, C, D, E, F, G steps, but just becoming aware of how you relate to discomfort in your life when it comes to letting go of control.
And that can be an opening for so many other things to come up for you to get curious about.
I also feel like there could be a world where I have you on speed dial, but if that's not available, I do know that there's folks like Coach Corey available in the Headspace app.
There is that offering as well, because it does feel like therapy is also like, like yes, handing what you're saying Dora, like there's also like therapy and coaching too that may help if that is a struggle.
Yeah, Corey, I'm curious from your perspective too, as a coach, someone that is struggling with letting go of control, what would you offer them?
I think for a lot of us, especially in today's society, there's often a lot of dread and anxiety when we think about the moments to come or the possibilities.
One thing that I often encourage people to do is try to reframe that and look at the possibilities from a standpoint of excitement.
You know, what could work out in this moment?
What could go well in this next moment?
How could things come together in this situation?
But that's really, really hard to do when you're in the thick of it.
So I have these like mental exercises that I often talk to people about.
Anytime I'm on a plane or like I'm about to board a plane, all of my anxieties and my worries and my issues are all front and center.
And then it's not until I'm in the sky and then I'm looking down on everything around me and I lose concept of my worries and just form a different perspective.
And then I noticed that when I get back down to the ground, I'm like, okay, everything's back now.
But I think it's key in holding onto that bird eyes view, the larger picture of everything, not just the moment that you're in, but all the moments that could be.
You know, should we be blessed to have more time and continue to work towards stuff?
So I think perspective is really key in just having a really, really firm perspective on life.
Well, that's fantastic advice for both of you.
And thank you for your question, Chris.
We're sending you luck and healing vibes on the journey.
It sounds like, you know, it sounds like the beginning of a beautiful journey.
Okay, let's go to our next question from Marley.
Dear Headspace, my name's Marley.
I'm a hospital doctor in the UK.
I suppose my problem is that whilst at work, I'm often in situations where people senior to me, often consultants, often surgeons, publicly sort of make humiliating and degrading statements towards me.
And they do this as part of pursuing a certain outcome that they're trying to achieve.
And whilst they're making these statements, I can stand up for myself, remain calm, so Marley's question got cut off there.
But when I heard it, it was such an important question that we were like, we wanna take it at the face value for what we got from Marley, which is that being in a situation where you're being humiliated by coworkers.
And it's such a strong word that I just thought it was really important to get y 'alls feedback on this.
Yeah, I think, you know, my body's like hot and maybe I'm going back to when I was a nursing student and unfortunately like humiliation and degradation in the hospital setting and like in a workplace setting is quite normal, right?
Because there are these levels of hierarchy, right?
So I'm kinda just reflecting on my own time, being a nursing student where you're basically just like the, you know, you're just doing everything for everyone because they know that you're there for the next 12 hours and you can't say nothing about it.
And you just have to take a lot of unfairness and injustice in that situation.
And I think what was important for me was to have self -care practices.
So I would have before, during, and after self -care practices while I was on shift to kind of like prepare myself.
My mom is very Christian, so she would always talk about like putting on your armor before you go to work.
And so that was like my way of like protecting myself because after a while, right?
Small paper cuts, you start to believe some of the things that these people are telling you and it's not, it's not true.
It's not who you are.
And it was also an opportunity for me to get clear on who I am and the kind of values that I want to have in my workplace because it does eat at your spirit over time.
And if you're facing it alone, a lot of the times people don't know that that person that's being mean to you is also being mean to other people.
And it feels very isolating and like you can't speak up about it.
But one thing that I'm always gonna do is speak up about it.
And so I did, right?
Whether it's on this podcast or Sunday Scaries, any of the things that I've done at Headspace to kind of create space to normalize this experience and how we feel in it, because it makes you feel really stuck, right?
This is your livelihood, it's where you're making money.
You wanna be helping people.
You're probably naturally a caregiver.
And yet you have this like external presence that is there tearing you down.
And so I would say, putting on your armor, having those self care routines, getting clear on your values in the workplace and having those little things in your life that can remind you of who you are.
So community is so important.
Whether you have a community of doctors that you can connect with after your shift or during your shift to check in with, because it really eats away at your mind and body and spirit.
And unfortunately, it's supposed to be a place of healing.
And yet there's a lot of toxicity within that environment.
You know what's so interesting is that you're such a model in some ways, Dora, and I'm not suggesting that Marley should go out and switch her entire career path.
And I don't even know if that was part of your journey of switching or if that you just had a different calling.
But I do think that that larger conversation of thinking about, is this the hospital or the employment environment I want to work in?
Is there another place one can work?
Are there things you can put in place?
Or is there a switch that's needed for you to take care of yourself?
Because sometimes armor only works for so long.
Like you said, it's like death by a thousand paper cuts.
Yes, yeah. And I think what Kori had mentioned before in the previous question around taking a bird's eye view, that's really important, right?
I think mindfulness has really allowed me to get clear on what matters most to me.
And that's what allowed me to change my career is because I'm like this, as much as I love to help people and I love being on the front lines, this environment is not serving me and I'm actually getting sick from being here.
And so reprioritizing the things that matter to me the most which was to be in community, to be able to help people but also to be in an environment that allows me to show up as my full self.
So, and I think there's a lot of privilege in career switching, especially right now, right?
To just be able to take time off or travel or switch careers when they seem like at an all time low at the moment.
But I just think in the bigger picture, like what matters most to you and how can you move closer to those things?
Because this, it's just not a great place to be in at all.
Yeah, I actually, Dora, like you kind of triggered like this thought into me.
There's this exercise that some people have found helpful but it is formulating your own personal mission statement.
I've tried it myself, I'm still working through it.
But a lot of people find it helpful because it really helps you get very, very clear on what you're doing, why you're doing it and where you feel like you want to do it.
And I think that could be really helpful in this situation because aside from the humiliation from coworkers at your job, do you feel like people are pouring into you at your job or are you always pouring into others or people are taking from your energy?
Where do you want to be?
And then getting really, really clear on how you can see your own vision come to fruition.
So it could be an exercise that you may find helpful.
What would the personal mission statement look like?
What would I be writing down if I was doing that?
I'm Robin and I believe in helping people while being funny.
It was like that or?
I mean, it could work for you in my way.
Yeah, we do this exercise in my mindfulness teacher training.
We're actually doing it right now.
And one of the things that was important was for people to get clear on values.
A lot of times we don't know what we value and we find out through crisis and hardship, right?
So identifying five to 10 values around what you want your professional life to feel like, what you want your interactions with coworkers to feel like, whether it's that sense of maybe honesty, transparency, compassion, kindness.
And then we kind of take those values and write it in I am statements.
So, I am a nurturing and kind doctor who is working in collaboration with likehearted people like me and taking each value and kind of writing like a sentence for each one to really define what that value looks like.
And then bringing it together in a paragraph.
I think a few questions that I had them also reflect on is like share about a time in your work where you felt the most alive.
Share about a time in your work when you didn't feel like that.
Share about a time in your work where you felt like you were born to do this.
And then also share about a time when you didn't feel like you were born to do this.
Times that you were most proud about yourself.
Just kind of like crafting.
I think we've talked about this before, Robin, but like, you know how people write the manifestation letters for like the one partner.
You can also do that for your work, right?
I'm going to work. I feel good.
Blah, blah, blah, blah.
Like getting really clear on how you want to feel in looking at your values and kind of meshing those things together.
So just like a tool to help you clear away some of the junk and get to what's important and valuable to you.
That's a great advice.
Yeah. Well, Marley, I mean, we are with you and we hope.
I mean, I don't know.
I hope that it gets less toxic and you find a path forward because it's like work is a lot of our time.
Yeah, I think that's something else that was really a big revelation to me of like, it's not the individuals, also systemic.
And systemic change may not happen in our lifetime in some of these workplaces, right?
In some of these institutions.
So again, and knowing that, like what role do you want to play in that?
Do you want to be working in that type of setting?
Do you want to be working in nonprofit world?
But sometimes it's like bigger than us.
And we think that we can make that change, but we can't.
And that's okay. Well, good luck with everything, Marley.
I mean, keep us posted.
We'd love to hear how things shake out.
It's like we get very invested.
Or at least I do anyway.
So thank you, Marley.
Okay, we'll be right back.
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Okay, here is our last question from Kay.
Hey, this is Kay from Pennsylvania.
And in the last 15 years, I'm 49, I've lost both parents and two brothers.
And I'm just wondering how you reconceptualize your identity when so much of who you think you are is connected to your beginnings, your family, that who are you when that base unit that you came into the world with is suddenly gone?
I'd love to hear your thoughts on that.
So I love this question from Kay.
I don't feel like we've ever answered anything like this.
And initially when I heard it, I thought, I was like, I'm not sure if I identify with this because I feel sometimes in so many ways so separate from my family, from the way things happen.
But then I thought, a very large part of my identity is even in my separation from my family.
So I'm like, is what Kay is asking even possible?
I'm from my own practice, I would have to say like, the thing, this is kind of cliche phrase, but the things that we resist persist.
So if you're wanting to not be a part of your family, it's like you're probably moving closer to being part of them in some way, those traits or qualities that you're moving away from, will probably still be there.
And so I think it's important just to honor and acknowledge who your family is and how much of you are your family and how much that has shaped you.
But then there is this sense of freedom to then create this new identity for yourself and whether that's through getting curious about the things that you love and the things that you're drawn to, or again, the things that you value and moving towards those things.
But I think when we try to create that separation, it causes more struggling and strife than it does like a sense of freedom because I always, I know that thing that I'm judging, it's probably something within me that's being triggered, if that makes sense.
So when I was listening to the question, I was like, oh my gosh, that's like so much loss and not, I mean, and it's not like a short time span but it kinda is at the same time, it can take years to kinda process just one loss but to be compounded by each loss, it's just extremely difficult.
So my heart definitely goes out to you, okay.
I think in reference to your question, to me, it kind of sounds like your family has been your foundation, which that's the case for most of us and your foundation has been cracked several times through all these different losses.
Something that a friend told me some time ago is that as we go throughout life, we can never stop forming new experiences, new connections, new passions, just new things to get into because we unfortunately, it's painful but we do lose parts of ourselves in other people along our path.
But with loss comes also a chance for us to lean more into new things as we go along our path and rediscover ourselves, create new foundations for ourselves.
And it's never from a space of trying to replace what we had, but it's giving ourselves a new groundwork to work from as we continue to go throughout our lives.
So again, not replacing the ones that we love and lost in the pieces of ourselves that go with them but finding these new pieces of ourselves to pull from, to find light from.
And I think that could be really helpful for not just you, but all of us essentially, just that continued rediscovering of self.
Yeah. In spite of the loss, which thank you for saying that, Corey, like in spite of that, they are still part of your foundation and they are still part of you and still part of your identity in whichever way you relate to your family, whether it was a positive thing or a bad thing.
So I'm curious about that, like just trying to get more of where K is in the question.
What do you think? It sounds like at the core of it is, like the healing is necessary.
And I wonder what her healing journey has looked like and what her steps forward in her own life have looked like because I think that could be at the, not just the foundation, which we already touched on, but I think that could be at the heart of all of this.
Like what you're saying is that she's missing them.
Like, really? Yeah, which is very, very, very human.
And at the same time, now that they are no longer here with us physically, how do we go forward?
And the big part of that is, I think obviously, working through the grief and working, even a grief counselor if necessary, but also planning, continuing to take steps in one's own life through the loss, which is incredibly difficult.
So I definitely don't wanna minimize that in any way.
Yeah, grief is coming up for me, which is a very messy and non -linear process.
And I think sometimes we try to rush grief, even if it's happened two decades ago or last week.
I think it's something that just kind of unfolds in its own time.
And I love what you mentioned, Corey, about just healing and focusing on healing and less on becoming.
I think that's also something that could be important.
Like maybe you don't need to become anything from this, but just focus on tending to yourself in this period of time.
And again, it doesn't matter how long this period of time has been.
I think when you lose as many people that you have in such significant figures in your life, honoring the grieving process is so essential.
And through that, you may realize that you do carry some of those people with you, and that may manifest in many different ways, right?
So I think tending to that grieving process will be important and healing.
And I think in the Western world, especially we tend to grieve alone, but grief and grieving in community can be really healing.
I have a friend whose father was a painter, and when he passed, she brought his painting community together.
And so she was able to learn about her dad through so many different people and get so many different perspectives of who he was beyond just being a father.
And so if you have that opportunity to be with their friends or their communities or people around you that kind of remind you of them, that can kind of help you to get a sense of, this is what I wanna move towards, or these people are still here with me, and this is what I carry from those people.
But yeah, I don't know.
I just was thinking about honoring the grief that you're carrying and allowing that to be your guide.
That's lovely. That's absolutely lovely.
Well, speaking of love, we're sending all kinds of Love Your Way K, and thank you so much for your question.
I mean, those are just, you two, just some really sound, savvy and sage advice today.
And they weren't my questions, but I still, every time, I learn a lot just from listening to your answer.
So thank you. Thanks.
Thank you, Robin. Thank you for holding all of this.
And then I'm just wondering, Dora, do you have a course recommendation based on all that we talked about today?
I mean, on the topic of grief, we do have a 30 -day grieving course that's available in the Headspace app.
So highly recommend checking that out, whether it's grieving the loss of a person or a loss of an identity or a loss of a belief or an ideal that you were holding on to.
I think grief shows up in many different forms and we're grieving all the time, you know?
Every time that we change, there's an invitation to just honor who we were as we're becoming who we want to be.
So highly check out the Griefing pack in the Headspace app.
That was an absolutely excellent suggestion.
I also have another suggestion for our listeners.
In addition to the meditations we referenced earlier, the Headspace also offers mental health coaching.
And as we mentioned, it's right in the Headspace app and you can sign up and you're gonna be connected with a trained expert right away.
And it's someone just like our pal Corey here.
That's right. It's a pretty great offering.
It's live, one -on -one care, support from anywhere, anytime.
It's just another possible tool for your toolkit.
And if asking us a question is more your speed, all you have to do is head over to sayhi .chat.
slash to your Headspace, follow the prompts to record.
And as always, that link is in the show notes.
And if we use your question under your Headspace, you're gonna get three months of Headspace for free, which we love.
And we do love, and as always to close, we're gonna take a few moments here just to reflect and process everything that has come up in today's episode, whether you find yourself in a season of change or are just questioning life and all the different possibilities.
So sit back and relax and listen to this chorus of sounds from the jungle.
Until next time, stay happy.
Stay healthy. And be kind to each other.
Thank you. Thank you.
Thank you. Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer and Sarah Cohn and produced by Taylor Jennings Brown.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins ,FL, Rosia Costa, K -Sunga Gizcome ,Dora Kamau, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Post -production by Dan Kroll, music by Scott Sorrentino, and Chris Marguilla.
It was developed by Ash Jones, Scott Sorensen, Robin Hopkins and Baron Farmar and a special thanks to Danny Currissome and Colleen Lutz.
