Hello, Debra here.
Up next is a special episode of the Big Fib called Ask Lisa, where Lisa and I try our best to answer a fan question all about Halloween.
We wanted to highlight this classic Ask Lisa episode to give you a sample of all the great things GZM has to offer with your current subscription.
Also, it's Halloween season, so the timing on this episode's theme couldn't be better.
If you want to hear more of me and Lisa, check out, Ask Lisa Pants on Fire, or episodes of Wacky Cackies, or even Big Fib Small Tales.
They're all available with your current subscription.
Thanks again for all your continued support and enjoy the show.
Two people claim to know everything about something, but only one knows anything.
President Roosevelt wore an anti-gravity belt.
Dinosaurs had two brains.
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Lucky kids live on Mars and go to school in flying cars.
Or at least they will one day.
Believe me, I'm a historian.
An astronaut or drive a DeLorean.
Would I lie?
It's hard to say.
Pants on fire.
Pants on fire.
One's a liar.
The other is telling the truth.
Pants on fire.
Pants on fire.
It's down to the wire.
Can you figure it out?
Happy halloween and welcome to a very spooky ask, lisa.
Episode of pants on fire.
I'm your host, deborah goldstein, and with us to answer some creepy queries from listeners is our sound effects robot lisa, whose name stands for live in studio audience.
I don't see what's so spooky about today, Debra.
Well, look around you.
Don't you like our spine-tingling holiday decorations?
Such as?
Well, we've got the fake cobwebs.
Oh, I thought those were real cobwebs.
Not that scary.
Okay, and the fake blood all over the walls?
Isn't the studio usually splattered in blood?
Plus, I made these cute DIY porch pumpkins from the Good Housekeeping catalog.
Ah!
Get it away from me, Debra!
Get it away!
What on earth are you thinking, bringing something like that in here?
A human child could see it!
Okay, it's just some reclaimed pallet wood painted orange, Lisa.
Debra, you know, my three biggest fears in the world are home improvement magazines do-it-yourself, knickknacks and pumpkins.
What?
Are you kidding me?
How can you be afraid of home improvement magazines?
Uh, haven't you ever heard of the horror of home and garden?
Or do you think those geometric Eden Tufted throw pillows just threw themselves?
No, I've never heard of that, Lisa.
It sounds made up.
And tell me, why are you afraid of pumpkins?
The seeds, Deborah.
You humans may love sticking your hands into gooey squashy intestines to make a stupid candle holder once a year, but if any of that stuff gets into my circuitry I'll Die.
No.
I'll get a little sick, though.
So sick, I might have to take off from work.
You know, actually, I think I might have come too close to one of those porch pumpkins.
Lisa, that wasn't a real pumpkin, and I don't think you're really getting sick.
Look, I can tell you're scared, but Halloween is a time to face your fears.
Look them right in the eye and laugh.
Look, why don't you play a nice comforting sound effect to steal your courage?
And then we can move on to answering some listener questions.
Okay.
I mean, I usually fall asleep to the sound of blood dripping from the ceiling, as otherworldly ghouls laugh, feasting on the souls of children.
Those always make me feel really safe.
Your psyche truly is a mystery to me, Lisa.
But I guess that's why we do these episodes.
All right.
Our first question comes to us from Annie P. in Sauganaw, Michigan.
Annie writes, Dear Lisa, Every year for Halloween, I dress up as Little Red Riding Hood.
But my big sister says I'm getting too old for that and she dresses something scary this year.
So what should I go as?
Do you wear a costume for Halloween?
And if so, what?
Boy.
Well, thanks for your question, Annie.
So, Lisa, any suggestions for a scary Halloween costume?
I guess she could dress up as a pumpkin.
No, Debra.
She said scary, not blood-curdling.
This is a child we're talking about here.
Okay, pumpkins are too frightening.
Got it.
So what should Annie do?
What's your Halloween costume this year?
Oh, I'm wearing the same costume I always wear.
I'll be dressing up as a human.
A human, huh?
Okay, how do you dress up as a human?
Oh, it's not too hard.
You get one of those elastic body suits for the skin, a nice wig for the hair.
Annie probably has hair and skin of her own.
Oh, yeah.
That's going to be easy, then.
The real trick is getting the impression down.
You've got to say things like a human would say.
Oh, really?
And what kind of things do humans say?
I don't know, like boring stuff like, gosh, I'm so tired from burping and farting all day.
No.
I just can't stop expelling gas from my digestive tract.
Or, you know, I love oxygen.
I literally can't stop breathing it in and out.
Or, geez, my blood-brain barrier sure is letting in a lot of amino acids today.
You know, like human stuff, Debra.
Okay, that's just human anatomy, Lisa.
It's not that humans talk like that all day.
Yeah, what do you talk about?
Well, we talk about our lives and the people around us, the things that capture our imagination science politics food, the ineffable essence of what it's like to be a living being on this earth.
Really?
Sometimes.
Also, a lot of us just talk about what's going on TV.
Still, I'm surprised you don't do a better job of imitating people.
Your language system is so advanced that a lot of people who listen to this show think you are are a person.
Oh, really?
Gross.
I don't have a blood-brain barrier.
Okay.
Well Annie, I think Little Red Riding Hood is a great costume, but if you're looking for something scary, how about going as the wolf?
What wolf?
The wolf in Little Red Riding Hood, you know, who eats the grandmother and then steals her clothes to trick Little Red Riding Hood.
Never heard of that, though that does remind me of my grandmother.
I mean, earlier today she was looking really, hmm, wolf-like?
You know, like with those big yellow eyes, long snout, lupine ears, that kind of stuff.
Hmm, that didn't make you suspicious?
Of course not.
She said it was all the better to see me with, so I'm sure she's fine.
Oh dear.
Next question.
Okay, our next listener question is courtesy of Greg in Bunky, Louisiana.
Greg writes, Whenever I go trick-or-treating, people in my town always just give out the treats.
They never pick trick.
What kind of trick should I have prepared if people refuse to give me candy?
P.S.
You should do episodes about President Roosevelt wore an anti-gravity belt so that the theme song is not alive.
Love Greg.
Well, thanks, Greg.
Although I think the lyric is President Roosevelt wore an anti-gravity belt.
But I'll look into that.
As to your question, I don't think it's a good idea to trick people on Halloween.
Trick or treat is just an expression, right, Lisa?
Oh, Deborah.
Deborah.
Deborah, you couldn't be any more wrong.
If the grown-ups aren't at least afraid of a trick, they'll stop giving out treats.
You'd be a fool not to have something up your sleeve.
Okay, but tricking people isn't a very nice thing to do.
What kind of tricks do you recommend?
Oh, there's a whole bunch of them that are great.
You could put plastic wrap on the toilet seat.
You could put toilet paper on the plastic seats.
Fake goo, fake poo, fake puke, fake fake puke, which is just real puke.
Chicken broth in the shower head, vegetable broth in the shower head, mushroom broth.
You get the idea.
Any kind of hearty broth will do.
Toothpaste in the mayonnaise jar, mayonnaise in the toothpaste tube, candied onions, toenail pie.
Oh, toenail pie?
What the heck is toenail pie?
Uh, that's nothing.
I don't even know where I came up with that.
On an unrelated note, do you want a piece of regular pie that I brought from home?
It's full of regular ingredients.
Uh, that'll be a hard pass for me.
Greg, I want to be on record as totally disavowing Lisa's advice on this one.
Just take the candy and move along.
Yeah, what do you know about true... Did you just eat the toenail pie?
No.
Okay, what's our next question?
Okay, this final one comes from Morgan in Carlsbad, California.
I think Carl's just fine.
I believe that's the name of the town.
Oh, it's not like, oh, Carl's bad?
Correct.
Okay.
Okay, so from Morgan.
Dear Lisa, would you ever spend the night in a haunted house?
Okay, so I wanted to read this one on air, because we both spent the night in a kind of haunted house last Halloween, didn't we Lisa?
It was a dark and stormy night in the old abandoned polygraph factory downtown.
Oh, no, Debra.
It's a dark and stormy night.
The Truthler always comes out on dark and stormy nights.
You watch too many movies.
There is no such thing as the Truthler, and even if there were, why would he come out on a dark and stormy night anyway?
Don't you think on a dark and stormy night he'd want to stay in bed?
Maybe watch a movie.
It's not something to joke about, Deborah.
You don't know what kind of weather the truthler likes.
No one does.
All we know is that if he finds out someone's been lying, he pits soap in their mouth.
That's absurd, Lisa.
Anyway, you're a robot.
You don't even have a mouth.
What have you got to lose?
Well, he could put soap in your mouth and you'd be like blah blah blah, blah blah, and then I would have to host the show and I would have to pretend to be nice to all these kids.
Wait a minute.
I am nice to those kids and the Truthler is not going to put soap in my mouth, because there's no such thing as the Truthler.
Well, then why'd you come down to the old abandoned polygraph factory where he lives?
To prove to you once and for all that he does not exist.
Why did you come if you're so scared?
Because I've got to face my fears, Deborah.
I can't go through life always being afraid of telling lies.
What other choice do I have?
Uh, I mean, you could stop lying so much and just tell the truth more.
What kind of life would that be, Deborah?
That would be an honest life.
What was that?
Ha ha, very funny, Lisa.
Nice sound effect.
That was not a sound effect, Deborah.
Oh, and I suppose all of those polygraph machines turning on all of a sudden isn't a sound effect either.
Deborah.
I should have known better than to come here with you tonight.
You probably don't believe in the truth or either.
You just wanted to scare me yourself.
Deborah.
Oh, the creepy footsteps file.
Nice.
You're really pulling out all the gems tonight, Lisa.
Only problem is I've heard them all before.
What are we lying about this week, Deborah?
Ah, the truth word!
Each week, they bring on two grown-ups.
One is an expert, the other a liar.
And it's the job of a hideous monster to put soap in the liar's mouth.
The podcast was Deborah's idea.
I just do the sound effects, and I really do a bad job even then.
Oh, that's not true.
I'm just the host.
Lisa's really the heart and soul of the whole thing.
Oh, please.
She's just being modest.
Deborah does everything for the show, especially the lying.
She writes the liars' lies for them.
She's always consorting with liars.
Please put the soap in her mouth.
It's probably still fresh with lies.
Is it true, Deborah Goldstein?
Are you the brains behind Pants on Fire?
I'm a huge, huge fan.
What?
Oh, of course.
My kids love it.
They're always singing that silly little song.
What is it?
President Roosevelt, war, and anti-gravity belt?
I think it's President Roosevelt, war, and anti-gravity belt, Mr. Truthler, sir.
Oh, did he now?
Or is that another lie?
Oh, lighten up, you two.
I don't really put soap in people's mouths.
You don't?
Ah, great.
Why, that's better than putting soap in a thousand liars' mouths.
And you're the brains behind the whole thing, eh, Deborah?
What?
No, I am.
Deborah's just the host.
I am the heart and soul of the whole operation.
Oh, Lisa, my kids love you the best.
Mr Truthler, if you don't put soap in people's mouths as punishment for lying anymore, what's the point of haunting this old polygraph factory?
Oh, well...
I can still have my fun, can't I?
People don't always tell the truth willingly.
Sometimes the best thing you can do to keep them honest is scare them.
Yeah, not everybody can handle scary stuff like me and Deborah.
Oh, of course not.
You two are tough as nails.
Now, is anyone up for some homemade farm-style pumpkin pie I got the recipe from?
Southern living.
Hey, where'd he go?
I see.
So that's why you ran off that day.
Well, I think that's enough sheer terror for one episode, don't you, Debra?
Take it away.
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Ha!
Oh no, magazines, bye!
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