One of the most painful aspects of becoming aware of self abandonment or other patterns that feel self hate and internal lack is the deep shame that might come with this realisation.
I have made a video about shame before but I think it's important to speak about it in this context.
Let's start by differentiating between shame and guilt before we continue.
While both of them are linked to a consciousness of some wrongdoing, whether real or perceived, shame is rooted in the belief that you, as a human being, are fundamentally wrong.
Like your very essence is flawed, it attacks your sense of self.
Guilt, on the other hand, arises when we recognize that we've acted against our own values.
And it's typically connected to specific actions and behaviors.
It can be quite useful.
Honestly, it's rarely ever damning.
All you have to do to get rid of guilt is to correct what has been done where possible and set up structures to ensure that you never do it again.
The cure for guilt is changed behavior.
Simple.
But shame is a different beast.
If you don't handle it properly, it will keep you imprisoned and stagnant.
I think the first step to effectively dealing with this kind of shame is to cognitively recognize that it is a now noticeable expression of the loathing anger, repression or pain that you've always held inside.
But the good news is, nobody's born with these kinds of feelings and thoughts about themselves.
There is an origin.
These are learned responses to experiences and because they are learned, they can also be unlearned.
When we think about the things we may have done or allowed, or even the things that were done to us, That sinking feeling of worthlessness or, oh my God, I hate myself is just not a proportionate reaction to whatever has happened.
Imagine someone who grew up in an environment where their emotional needs were always dismissed.
Naturally, they will begin to internalize the belief that their emotions aren't valid.
So when they make a mistake today, or even in the past, when they think about the mistakes they made, their immediate response will most likely be something like I can't do anything right, which is a straight attack on their personhood.
But that reaction in reality is not connected to the event itself.
It's a response to years of suppression.
And this is the key.
Because you've been disconnected from yourself for so long and are lacking the right tools.
Your instinctual response to mistakes or memories is often to further humiliate, punish or isolate yourself.
You turn inward with criticism instead of compassion.
That's why I'm suggesting a cognitive reframing rather than just an emotional one.
Instead of saying I am broken and having done A B, C and D proves it, you can try saying I did A B, C and D.
Because, deep down, I might feel a profound brokenness or flawedness, pain or anger that I wasn't even aware of.
The difference is so subtle, but it's very crucial.
The first framing puts you in a position of helplessness, when nothing can be done, because that's just how you are.
That's your fate.
That's who you've always been.
But the second instills a sense of curiosity that will eventually drive change and growth.
It transforms shame into something that can be understood and worked with.
Instead of seeing your mistakes as evidence of your brokenness or as a reflection of your identity, you start to view them as symptoms of deeper, unacknowledged pain.
And doing that makes you an active participant in your life, in your healing, rather than a passive victim of your circumstances.
You can then start asking the why, what, when, and where questions.
Say you're someone who has a pattern of choosing emotionally unavailable partners or relationships that leave you feeling unworthy or neglected.
Instead of thinking I must be unlovable.
That's why I keep attracting these kinds of people, which would place you in a cycle of resignation, of helplessness.
You could just say I keep choosing these relationships because, deep down, I might feel unworthy of love or have unresolved anger from the past that influences my choices.
Or maybe I've never fully accepted my own value.
You'll find that the automatic next question will become, why though?
Why do I feel this way?
What was I really seeking in these relationships?
Was it validation, comfort?
Where did these things start to go wrong?
Was it my upbringing, my culture, religion, a significant event?
How can I change my response?
And boom.
The focus has shifted from self-blame, self-judgment and damnation to self-discovery and understanding.
Listen, if you don't know why you did something, you are likely to do it again.
To break a cycle, you must be aware of the loop.
This is why I view emotions as informants, even the unsettling and distressing ones.
Rather than trying to suppress or avoid shame, view it as a signal pointing you to areas in your life that require attention.
This is your opportunity to dive deep into self-awareness.
When you can see the reality of your behaviors laid bare in front of you, you can begin to assess not only how to initiate repair, but also what may have been beyond your control.
Sometimes we're overly harsh with ourselves.
We're too quick to take the blame for everything because we lack the full picture, the full perspective.
I'll use myself as an example.
For the longest time I lived with a deep sense of shame because I thought everything that went wrong in my early life was my fault.
I didn't even realize that this belief was embedded in my subconscious until I started my self-work.
And it hit me like a truck.
No wonder I kept disappearing.
No wonder I treated myself so carelessly.
It made sense that I had no boundaries.
But here's the point I'm trying to make.
When I began reflecting on the why what when questions, it became clear to me that, given what I knew and what was available to me at that time, those behaviors were the best I could do.
That's it.
I didn't have any other options.
You know, it's inadequate by my standards today, but it was the only way I knew to survive.
This is a perspective shift that allowed me to finally feel compassion for my past self.
You can't offer what you don't have.
When you don't know any better, it's difficult, if not impossible, to make better choices.
If I did any of those things now, my guilt will be at an all-time high for the right reasons, because I know better.
But not back then.
So a chunk of the shame I was carrying wasn't even mine.
It was inherited as a result of the actions and words, the chaos that constantly surrounded me.
And my child brain couldn't process it any other way but to take responsibility.
Someone had to.
My adult brain though knows, through critical thinking, that another person's violation of your humanity says nothing about you and everything about them.
So I started asking myself, whose shame am I carrying?
And why should I be punished for another person's behavior?
If you're willing to answer honestly, it's a liberating question.
Once I identified what was truly my responsibility like ignoring red flags or not listening to my gut versus what wasn't like being a child who lacked safety, I could draw a clear line between what I had control over and what was beyond my control.
That clarity made it easier to pivot to self-correction without resorting to self-damation.
Listen, because of how deeply rooted it is, your feelings of shame might take time to dissipate.
So don't panic when you notice that happening.
All you have to do is to align it with a purpose.
This will be very helpful.
Ask yourself, what do I really want from this process?
Is it gross? self-knowledge, healing, clarity.
If you have a set goal in mind, whenever shame arises, you can mentally and verbally remind yourself of its role.
It's part of your journey to self-awareness, your journey to cultivating the emotional tools that will allow you to achieve that purpose.
You just set the purpose, you just decided.
This mindset is a way of shifting your relationship with it.
You transform from being its prisoner to being a conductor of your own emotional experience.
You no longer react impulsively to shame, but use it to redirect your energy.
You can say out loud.
This shame I feel right now is revealing a part of me that has been hidden away for a while.
A part that craves change, that craves love and upgrade, different choices.
When I feel it, this isn't damnation.
It's a reminder to keep taking necessary actions towards my healing or growth.
Do you see how that puts you in a position of power?
You're now picking up self-responsibility instead of doubling down on the shame or even fearing it.
Now your next goal will be to determine the exact, tangible steps you need to take to begin your healing.
This is where you move from insight to action.
Maybe therapy is part of your answer.
And remember, therapy comes in different forms.
If CBT does not work for you, ask for different options and try them.
You know, you could be someone who needs some movement.
I know for myself that movement and dance has saved my life and continue to do so.
And for people who don't need that, you might be thinking how?
But me, my brain works really hard.
So I need something that brings me out of my head and into my body.
Knowing where things sit in my body has been extremely helpful for my growth.
So find the kind of outlets that will help you process things in a way that works for you.
I also use poetry.
Maybe there are conversations you've been avoiding that need to happen.
Or maybe there are systems that you could set up to ensure that you don't repeat past mistakes.
And that, even if they happen because nothing is perfect we all make mistakes, you know, and it's not a linear thing.
Even if they happen, let them be rare.
Let them not be an everyday thing.
Don't Don't resist your shame.
Observe it.
Notice when it's most palpable.
What triggers it?
Who triggers it?
This self-awareness will help you create a roadmap to escape the loop.
And if you find that your shame comes from something you might have done to hurt other people listen, the best thing you can do is to decenter yourself in regard to how your actions affected them.
No matter how much you grow, how genuinely sorry you are or how much you change, you cannot control how someone else chooses to protect themselves from a person who has been a threat to them.
This is a key part of becoming a conscious person, understanding that consequences are there for a reason.
Just like you've worked to understand your whys, the reasons behind your actions, you must also come to terms with the real implications of those actions on the people you've hurt.
This is about self-awareness and responsibility, accountability, okay?
And you must accept it if you want to heal.
No one owes you the validation of the self you are becoming.
You owe that to yourself.
The real work is showing up differently.
Not to seek recognition or forgiveness from those you've hurt, but because you genuinely want to live in alignment with your newfound values.
You must want to exist differently in the world, not for others to see it, but for your own good and for the greater good where possible.
And, of course, if there's an opening or opportunity, a signal from the person or the people, please apologise, go and say sorry.
But when you do, do it without excuses, without expectations and without hoping that the person you've harmed will help alleviate your shame or guilt.
People do not owe you the relief or forgiveness.
Let go of that expectation.
It's a form of entitlement.
It suggests that you might still be using shame and guilt as a way to escape responsibility, rather than as tools for self-growth and accountability.
Yes, it hurts to sit with that discomfort.
It sucks, but remember, so did what you did to them.
The pain is part of the process.
It's up to them what they do with their story.
The only second chance you should expect from anyone is from yourself.
People can give you that but they don't owe you that.
Start focusing on the forgiveness you can give yourself.
This is the test of true self-awareness, compassion and growth when you can keep living in alignment with your values, regardless of how others respond.
Treat yourself like you would a close person whose pain points and struggles you deeply understand.
Yes, you made a mistake, but we all do.
It's part of being human.
You don't have to stay there.
Let those feelings serve as a reminder of where you don't want to return, to who you no longer want to be.
Next time you feel the pang of shame, say this out loud.
Over and over and over again.
And then write it down.
Write it down somewhere.
I have made mistakes.
I recognize them.
And I do not minimize their impact on myself or others.
But I am not my mistakes.
I am a growing, evolving human being.
And I am working on healing the parts of myself that led me here.
I honor my humanity by giving myself a second chance to try again.
There is immense power in speaking words out loud.
You begin feeding a voice of love and compassion that grows stronger each time you speak.
This voice will counter the harsh critic within.
Whenever those damning thoughts come, just go loudly.
I so hate that I did that.
But you know what?
I'm learning from this and will do better next time.
This isn't just about letting yourself off the hook.
It's about acknowledging those things without letting them define you.
That's how you honour your humanity and that of others.
And remember, while you should be relentless tenacious yes, in the commitment to change, in your pursuit of growth, please be gentle with yourself.
Regardless of the origin of your shame, it's already hard enough, okay?
You're worthy of healing, of compassion.
You are worthy of a future that represents, that reflects your truest self.
As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.
My name is Pearl and I'll see you in the next video.
