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Hey everyone, welcome back to On Purpose.
Today's episode is a little different because instead of hosting, I'm the guest. I joined Tinkx on her show Office Hours for a deep and insightful conversation where I answer some of the most thought -provoking questions about relationships, dating, and the stresses of life.
I always love these conversations because I feel like the questions that she's asking me are what some of you are asking me.
It's what you're worried about.
It's what you're thinking about.
So, if you're struggling with dating right now, If you're struggling with your relationships right now, if you're struggling with a breakup, this episode is for you.
If you're navigating a big life decision, a big life transition, feeling overwhelmed with the news and what's happening around you, this episode is for you.
I hope you enjoy it.
The number one health and wellness podcast. JEE SHEDDY!
JEE SHEDDY! The one, the only, JEE SHEDDY!
Welcome to office hours.
It's so nice to have you on.
Thanks for having me.
I'm so grateful to be here.
This is so exciting.
God, I love Calm. I have to say.
I love that app. Even though I'm not a meditator, I will get into that later.
I have to say that app is like one of the most used on my phone.
How has that experience been for you?
That makes me so happy.
Yeah, I joined Calm as their chief purpose officer three years ago now, and it all came from this beautiful friendship I had with the founders of Calm.
So Michael Acton Smith and Alex, they both founded the app and we kept hearing from both our worlds that I should connect with them.
And they were hearing that they should connect with me and we got together and it's been incredible to record a seven -minute meditation five days a week, every week for the last three years.
And so if someone wants to build a meditation practice, there's seven minutes a day set up for you every single day.
That's so cool. That's amazing.
Are you sort of like a consultant as well for them?
Do they bounce ideas off of you?
Yeah, we'll discuss everything, from what we're expanding with, how the brain's looking at the health right now.
We've been having so many amazing conversations.
I'm so proud of, I mean, what we've been able to create together, but what they've done, because it's really showed us how meditation meditation can be stories, and can be walks, and can be practices.
So true. And that's what I loved, I didn't want people to have this limited view of what meditation was, I wanted them to have this really practical, alive view of it, and it's incredible to see that.
It's funny that you say that because I'm someone who's like, you know when you have a pet and you have to put their medicine in peanut butter to get them to eat the pill, like that's me with meditation.
I'm like I don't meditate, you know, I don't meditate, it's too hard for me.
But with calm. I actually am able to do it because that's what meditating is It's you know breath work and thinking about you know clearing your mind, but I really need the calms up So that's so interesting.
We can actually dive in right there like what do you recommend for someone who is stuck with meditation aside from calm or talk about a little bit more about calm Who thinks that meditation simply won't work for them because I guess that's kind of me I mean, I do calm.
I use the, I like the sleep, going to sleep ones.
Every single night I listen to it.
And if I'm anxious on the plane, I listen, there's a lot of great short ones on the app.
But for someone who wants to really get into meditation who feels stuck, what would you say?
Yeah, I find it so funny when people come up to me, they're like, you put me to bed every night, and I love that feeling.
It's such a nice feeling.
And having that intimate space with someone.
But for anyone who's struggling with meditation, The first thing I'd say is everyone struggles with meditation.
It's almost like trying to work out.
It's like everyone struggles.
I feel like you would never… I imagine you can meditate for just like perfectly and you're so good at it.
And sometimes I even think about when I see like you on Instagram or whatever, I'm like, that guy meditates so well.
And I know it. But it's just… It's hard. It's been nearly 20 years so I'd better meditate well now.
I know but I just… I automatically think of the to -do list. When I try to do it with no Calm app, I'm like, oh my God, I have to call the plumber.
Oh my God, I have to do that.
It's just so hard to kick into it.
But I really love Calm, so maybe it's about marrying the two.
So I want to share a few things.
The first thing is that there's three types of meditation.
There's breath work, there's visualization, and there's mantra.
And I'll explain all three.
And I was trained in all three during my time as a monk, and so I love helping it be a menu for people because I think sometimes people just don't know where to start.
And so I remember my first day in the monastery in India and I saw a young monk teaching younger monks how to meditate.
And so I walked up to this young monk and asked him, what are you doing?
And he said, it's their first day of school.
I'm teaching them how to breathe.
And I said, okay, and he said, what did you learn on your first day of school?
And I said, maybe one, two, three, A, B, C, I don't know.
And he said, well, here we teach them how to breathe because the only thing that stays with you From the moment you're born to the moment you die is your breath.
And he said, everything else changes.
Your family, your friends, where you live, all of that can change.
But the breath stays with you that whole time.
And then he said to me, what changes when you're happy, your breath.
What changes when you're sad, your breath.
What changes when you're late, your breath.
What changes when you're angry, your breath.
And he said every emotion in your life is connected to your breath.
So if you learn to master your breath, you learn to master life.
Now, he was 10 years old and something like that, like 10, 11 years old and sharing all this wisdom.
And the reason why I love that story is because you stopped looking at meditation as this thing you have to do and you recognize it's actually a way of living.
It's who you are. You have your breath.
And if you look at the best athletes, the best musicians, the best people out there in the world doing incredible things, they've all learned to master their breath.
You can't run for that long without knowing your breath.
You can't play a wind instrument for that long without mastering your breath, and when you look at it that way you recognize we're all athletes.
We all require and demand so much of our bodies.
And so for anyone who's struggling to start with meditation, my tiny request is just notice how you inhale and notice how you exhale.
And so if we inhale together right now, things together.
You could probably feel something happening in your nostrils, you can feel the change of your body and the practice I like people to get comfortable with is as you're listening to this if you can of course if you're not if you're driving don't do this or if you're on the treadmill maybe don't do this but place your left palm on your stomach And as you breathe in, feel your stomach come out.
And as you breathe out, feel your stomach go in.
As you breathe in, feel your stomach go out.
And as you breathe out, feel your stomach go in.
Now, Tinkz, were you thinking about what you were going to eat later?
Tinkz No, I wasn't.
I really wasn't. UN, right?
And what's beautiful about it is we use the sense of touch. So we were touching our stomachs.
We could feel something changing.
And I think sometimes we think meditation's in the mind but what I like to remind people is that meditation is a very physical feelable thing.
And so both of us there for a second felt everything stop, felt everything slowed down, and felt disconnected even from the space we were in.
And so use all your senses, light some incense if you like, so that the sense of smell is engaged, Hold your stomach hold on to something if that helps you feel connected.
Don't feel like you have to do it all in your head Yeah, Wow, no it's so true That's my favorite part of the sleeping meditation that I do from the call map is like breathe in You know then hold and breathe out and it's it's crazy the power of breath Because even just doing those two breaths now did calm me down kind of refocus like I was running from something I'm kind of you know, mine's all over the place as usual We're all doing a million things.
And we don't think about breathing that much. And we don't focus on it, but it's incredible the power of just a few breaths that can transform your moment.
Absolutely. Our usual experience of life is our mind is moving fast, and our body is sitting still.
So true. Our mind is racing from the moment we're up and our body is sitting in a chair.
And what meditation teaches you to do is still your mind, so that you can move your body.
And that's what we need to get to.
We need to get to a place where we're moving our body still in our mind, as opposed to the other way around.
And I completely agree with you that if anyone, I think the best time to use it is use it when you feel like you just rushed to jump onto that train, or when you were just rushing into that Uber, or when you're just rushing into a meeting.
Take a second to just do three deep inhales and exhales.
And all of a sudden you'll start to gain confidence in it.
I think people think meditation has to be something you do outside of your real life.
I think about it completely the opposite.
I do it in the back of Ubers.
I do it when I'm on trains.
I do it when I'm running into a meeting and I'm feeling out of breath or late.
I'm doing it in my life, and I think that's a great way to start because it builds your confidence.
It gives you some momentum rather than, Oh I haven't meditated today.
it's like no, I just used breath because my breathing was faster shallow and More random when I was feeling tired anxious or nervous.
Yeah now, okay Well, so maybe I do meditate a little bit because I do I have been doing that lately I do I try to do three really just intentional breaths because you know with the phone Our minds are really it's a lot like there's this trend on social media right now where people are like Unfortunately, my brain can no longer tell the difference between getting an email and being chased by a bear.
And it's like, I totally feel that, you know.
And I feel like our nervous systems are kind of all out of whack.
We're looking at the phone all the time.
We're obsessed with the news updates and everything and it's like, and you're right, and usually we're sitting in a car or we're sitting in our desk or whatever, and you start to freak out, and then you just go, okay, now I'm here, I'm gonna do three breaths, and I'm gonna move on.
On that point, I do want to ask you, there is just 24 -seven news, it's a bombardment.
A lot of negativity, and I know a lot of people in my community are feeling super, super overwhelmed right now.
So aside from intentional breathing, meditation, how would you suggest people dose themselves on the news?
Or how do you personally filter the information you receive so that you're informed but you're not freaking out.
I think I read something that said we're exposed to more tragedy in 24 hours today than we were in our whole lifetime 25 years ago.
That's crazy. And if you think about that for a second, it feels true.
We consume around 34 gigabytes of data per day.
Do you remember when your hard drive wasn't even one gigabyte?
And when you're looking at that, just to make it make sense for people, I read an article that was saying, that's like reading a hundred thousand words every day.
It's crazy. It's like watching twenty five episodes of Stranger Things in one day, just back to back to back.
So we're consuming so much information.
And like you said, not all of it's health.
A lot of it's news, notifications, negativity, noise.
And I call these the four ends.
They put us into a minor state.
every time a notification comes in, you're like minus one energy.
Negativity comes in minus two energy.
News comes in minus three energy.
And the rest of the day, you're literally climbing back up to zero.
And so when you finish, that's how you feel, right?
You feel inundated, and you almost feel buried by these four ends.
You feel buried by notifications, negativity, news, and noise.
So what do you do about it?
For me, and I know this sounds bizarre, but it has changed my life, and I have to bring it up.
There has to be a way that the first five minutes of your day are not on your phone.
And whether that's getting a hatch, which is what I've been using right next to my bedside, which has this natural light alarm that wakes you up.
And again, I hate the word alarm.
Let's just think about this for a second.
The only time an alarm helps you is when there's a fire or when there's something going wrong.
Which means the fact that you wake up to an alarm or an alert means something bad's about to happen.
So if your alarm tone doesn't fill you with calm or fill you with stillness, change it.
The second thing I'd say is that that morning, five minutes, 30 minutes if you can, is so powerful.
And I'll tell you why.
Your brain's just waking up.
You would never let a hundred people into the bedroom of your mind, right?
Just think about that for a second.
You would never let a hundred people into your bedroom before you've brushed your teeth, washed your hair, or put on your makeup.
But me and you, all of us, letting 100 people into the bedroom of our mind as soon as we pick up our phone.
Now all of a sudden, imagine 100 people, your family, your friends, your boss, crowded around your bed, yelling things at you.
Did you get that report in?
Or, what do you think of this picture I'm about to post?
Oh, you forgot to wish your uncle a happy birthday, right?
Whatever it is. And all of a sudden everyone's yelling at you.
And your day's starting on a negative.
your day's starting on being reactive.
So what I try and focus on doing, especially with news because that's what your question was about, I believe it's so important that news doesn't find us.
I think we live in a world where most of us don't find news or look for news.
News finds us, which means it appears on our feed.
It means we have the news channel on our television at home or on a screen open on our laptop without us even wanting it.
We don't go and search for it.
It's just there in the background of our life.
And if news is the background of your life, tragedy is at the forefront of your life.
That's the first thing you're seeing.
And so what I'd say to people is be really clear about who you get your news from.
What time of day you feel comfortable consuming news.
When someone tells me they have anxiety, the first two questions I ask them is what did you watch last night?
And when did you last consume the news?
Those are the telltale signs.
They tell me they watched a murder mystery last night or something like that or some true crime.
And then they tell me they just checked the news.
So I'm not telling you to not be informed.
We're trying to save you from being overwhelmed.
So for me, I find the time I'm best at dealing with the news is three hours after I've woken up.
Because that gives me the time to set my day up, so that I have a strong foundation and a strong place from which to process difficult, sad, tough, challenging news.
As opposed to if I'm looking at it immediately, now I'm already thinking, gosh, today's gonna be the worst day, this is terrible, where is everything going?
I haven't had a moment, and it's almost like thinking about it from the perspective of, when do you feel comfortable dealing with something challenging?
When do you feel strong enough to say, okay, I'm ready to deal with the day now?
And I think for me, that takes three hours to do it, and I don't try and do it just before I go to bed either because that's really challenging.
So pick who you read your news from.
Find your news, don't let it find you.
Be really clear about what type of news.
Do you like social media news or do you actually prefer reading news from a website?
And do you like watching the news on TV or are you someone who actually just wants to read a newsletter?
I think it's so important that we trade and make these choices rather than letting the news bombard us when it wants, how it wants and wherever it wants.
That was really helpful, practical advice.
I really like finding the news versus letting it find you cause I personally have been struggling with that too and I really, really like that.
And the timing thing.
I'm really bad about the phone first thing in the morning and I need to fix that because it's just such a, it is such a clear difference when you don't do the phone first thing, you feel better and we lie to ourselves.
We say, oh well, maybe something happened overnight that I need to know.
nothing happened. It's exactly what you said, it's you forgot to wish your uncle happy birthday, your boss needs something, nothing happened.
Like you would know and I think that's a big lie I tell myself and I really want to be better about that.
And we all do that, I empathize with that tings.
Like I think that's real especially for those of us who live away from family, who are not close.
I know my wife feels that way.
It's a real thing so I want to validate that.
I don't think it makes you weak or not strong.
I think we all have that.
And I think the reality is let's find a way of getting that news, that very, very important news whether it is you going back to having a landline or whether it is you having two separate phones.
One you wake up with near your bed that only your emergency contact and your family member has access to and nothing else is on there.
There's ways of doing it in a way that protects us and protects the people we love.
So I don't wanna invalidate that feeling because that's real as well.
totally okay so on the topic of morning routines i feel like you're a guy who has a very i i need to know in detail the morning routine like aside from no phone walk me through waking up the first hour couple hours so i'll walk you through my morning routine and then i'll break it down into how i think people can use it okay i like because i don't think my morning routine should be a standard and no one's morning routine should be a standard so i wake up around 6 a .m every day.
That's my time that I feel happy and comfortable doing consistently.
That's five days a week.
I always look at every routine in my life as five days a week.
I don't believe it has to apply to my weekends because I feel that there's a recovery and rest that's massively needed on a weekend or whatever your weekend tends to be.
So I wake up at 6 AM.
I'm usually in my meditation room meditating by 6 .15.
And so 6 to 615 is brushing my teeth, showering, just getting ready, putting on some comfy clothes.
And for me, the thing that's helped me most in the morning is I have a little post -it note next to my bed, and I'll put different questions on it that mean something to me.
So the first thing I see in the morning is the question and the question is as simple as what are you grateful for today?
Or the question is, what are you excited about today?
Or the question is, how are you feeling?
And what I find is those questions allow me to off the day proactively about me rather than reactively to everything I have to do.
And so those, those post it notes remind me to be before I do anything.
Who do I want to be?
What is my being about today?
The question could say, who, what are you hoping to channel today?
And I can say love or kindness or whatever it may be.
And all of a sudden I'm set for the day.
And then I'll put on some, it could be bird sounds.
it could be mantra music.
It could be something that super calming almost like spa music, like I'll be literally getting ready to that.
And then six fifteen I'm meditating.
So I meditate for one and a half hours to two hours every day.
Usually an hour a half is in the morning.
So six fifteen to seven forty five, I'm meditating and then eight am I start working out.
And so eight am to nine am I'm working out.
What's your workout game?
That's changed over time.
It used to be tennis.
It's been pickleball.
It was hiking. Now it's strength training because every podcast guest I talk to keeps talking about the value of strength and I'm in that decade that everything matters in.
So all I've been doing is strength training for the past six months now.
Probably consistently, but three probably really consistently.
And so that becomes an hour and then nine AM I, I start, I eat some breakfast and start my day and it's a savory breakfast because I've had too many guests talk about glucose spikes, So my whole life is a savory breakfast. So by 9 a .m. That's when I feel I have a strong foundation To start my day.
I love that. So many people talk about the savory breakfast. It's huge.
It's huge And again, you feel you feel the difference I think you know the annoying thing about all this stuff is that it really does work and then so it's just like you know I try to be so real with my community and pass on these tips and talk to experts like you but you know Sometimes you fall off and and that's okay And so I really like what you said about the weekends too Because I think when you're only looking at something for doing it five days or four days or whatever You know your week looks like it's nice because then you have a little bit of that Leeway time it's okay.
It's okay, I think with all of these practices that are, you know, aimed to make us feel better.
I think the point is, they have to make us feel better.
So, it's like, if your routine is getting to a point where, you know, it's not sustainable, you guys, it's okay to be like, okay, well I need to change this.
I need an extra half hour of sleep.
I like what you said about, you know, that's when you're comfortable, you know?
You have to figure it out and that's, it also changes over time, too.
So, I like that. I like that a lot.
Yeah, you want it to be the exception, and not the rule.
I look at it as 70%.
I want 70 % of my week to be as optimal, as healthy as possible.
And then the 25 to 30 % that's leftover, I'm okay for that to be more mixed up.
So five days a week I'll have a savory breakfast. It does make a difference as someone coming from a former sugar addict.
Like I used to wake up wanting to eat a sugary breakfast and then eat something sugary at lunch and then have something sugar in the evening.
and having a savory breakfast has completely curbed that desire and it's setting me up not to have those crazy crashes later on in the day, and now my energy is actually sustained throughout the day as well.
I love Glucose Goddess.
Yeah me too, love Jessi.
Her book and like I, you know that is something I haven't met her in person but her teachings really had an impact on the way that I eat and again, I've fallen off.
Right now I'm kind of in an off period but just having that knowledge is so helpful.
I really think she's smart.
– I agree. – OK, switching gears a little bit, you have this super, super successful podcast. What's one interview that took you by surprise?
– I'm waiting for you to come on, Tay.
– OK, I know we need to do it.
We need to do it. – Come on.
Say that again. What's a— – What's an interview or a guest that took you by surprise?
– Oh, that's a great question.
Who took me by surprise?
I'd say the person who took me most by surprise Was Brian Shaski, who's the founder of Airbnb, the CEO of Airbnb.
And the reason is because I thought that he might have the archetype of a tech founder.
Because that's what he's done.
And so I wasn't sure.
And I try very hard to not go in to any interview having any judgment.
But at the same time, there's a certain archetype that you expect to meet or that you expect to converse with.
And when I met him, I realized that he's an artist and a designer in a tech person's body.
Have you met Brian before?
I've met Brian and it's so true.
And I listened to that interview, and it was a great interview.
You really, it was an amazing conversation between you two.
Thank you. Yeah, it's easily one of my favorites because I think it shows you...
I think there's a lot of people out there right now who are artists and designers who are thinking, well, I can't find a company or build a tech company, or I can't work at company like that because I don't know coding or engineering." And it's like, well, no, no, no, no, no. You can be an artist in a tech company.
That's what Steve Jobs was.
That's what Brian Chesky is.
And that's why I love Brian so much. He reminded me of the closest thing we have to a Steve Jobs visionary type of someone who just thinks so outside the box.
He was super vulnerable about his love life, his relationships.
He's 40 years old. He's a billionaire.
But he was looking for love, and I thought it was so brave of him to be so open about that and yeah I love him he's become a great friend he's an awesome guy so yeah that was the most surprising yeah.
You go really deep with your guests, do you ever find yourself getting emotional when you're interviewing people?
I want I can get really emotional like I think the most emotional I get is at weddings I was just at my friend's wedding two weeks ago okay and this was wedding I was just attending but when I'm officiating weddings I'm so scared that I'm gonna ruin the ceremony because I'm gonna cry so I've got a stand there in head.
I'm going, Don't cry, don't cry, don't cry.
And that's what I do in the podcast too, because I feel that people are so genuinely expressing something that they may never have shared somewhere else before, or it's really hard and courageous and brave of them to go there.
And my heart, I almost feel like crying sometimes, or I'd have to stop myself from crying because I'm not even crying because of what they're sharing.
So emotional. It's because I respect the bravery.
I respect the courage it takes to put your life out there.
And you do that, I respect you for doing it.
So many of our peers, so many of our friends do that, I respect them for doing it.
Because it's a really courageous act.
It's a really difficult thing to do.
And so, my tears are almost pre -empting the fact that when you open up, there's going to be so many different reactions and responses and I feel really grateful that people trust me to do that with.
And I mean, you know, yeah, I think one that was amazing was Tom Holland when he opened about his sobriety journey.
I – that was another one I listened to.
That was great. And it was just amazing because the amount – the hundreds of thousands of messages we've had from that episode saying, you helped me, or Tom helped me get through my sobriety or get back on or have more grace for myself.
And then you cry because of that message because you think about all the people that are affected.
So there's a lot of crying in private because I know it's great.
I think it's great.
I think you people feel really safe with you.
And I think your vulnerability, like, inspires vulnerability in your guests.
So it's just really, really, really good work.
OK, so if someone was new to your podcast, what's a standout interview that they should start with?
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I would have said Brian, but now that I've said it already, let me think.
You've interviewed everyone amazing.
Which one have you listened?
It sounds like you've been listening.
I've been listening a lot.
I want to get your thoughts too.
No, I think that I thought the Brian one was great.
The Tom one is great.
My friend Claudia was just on your podcast. She was awesome.
She was great and was super vulnerable, which is the side of her that people don't see that often.
So it was great. Yeah.
Claudia was amazing.
She was exactly like what I was just describing.
Yeah. I had to hold back my tears.
I'd say if someone was new to my podcast and they had to listen to one, it's such a great question, let me think.
I want to give a really thoughtful answer to one that would really have an impact.
Oh, there's a couple that I think I really loved.
And one that I'd say that stands out to me, and I say it because it was such a shifting moment for our show.
It was Kendall Jenner on the show.
And that's because she hadn't really done that many interviews at that time.
And she hadn't really, I don't even know if she'd done a podcast at that time.
And she doesn't really do that format a lot.
We had this amazing conversation and it was such a pivotal moment for the show.
Sure. That it stands out for me.
And so I'd say listen to that one.
I love that. And yeah, yeah, put that on.
Who's someone you haven't interviewed, who you still want to interview?
I'm waiting for you.
Of course, of course anyone else.
I don't mean that I genuinely mean that waiting for you and then I mean I've always said my number one pick is Cristiano Ronaldo.
Oh my god that would be amazing that's my number one pick.
I'll manifest for you because I would love to listen to that conversation I really don't I don't think I've seen him and in many interviews.
He hasn't it's it's definitely a language barrier too of wanting to get the best out of him.
He's had he's had a couple of great ones over ten years ago now interviews that really spoke to him So yeah, that's and I'm a Manchester United fan.
I'm I would be like high -fiving my 15 year old self, of course I love that.
I'll do that Okay, so you talk a lot about love.
So I want to get your opinion on a few things So do you think that that we all have one soul mate or Multiple loves of your life.
This is a debate we have in my community all the time.
I love that I think you'll fall in love with three different people in your life.
Ooh, ok. The first is the firework.
It's big, it's loud, it lights up the sky, but it fades away.
The second is the candle.
It's slower, it's quieter, it has a longer shelf life, but eventually you might leave it because it doesn't have the spark.
And the third one is the mirror, the one that shows you all your floors, shows you a reflection and shows you who you truly are.
And the firework will probably fade off its own accord, or the firework will probably fade itself.
The candle you might leave before it fades, and the mirror you might think it's broken because you don't like what you see.
And so I think we often hop and jump and skip between all three of these because it doesn't fulfill one part of us.
One doesn't have the spark, one doesn't have the longevity, and one is too honest. And I think I've been in love with all three in my life.
What I found was that the mirror was the most powerful one Because as soon as I didn't realize the mirror was broken and it was showing me exactly who I am, which is what my wife's done for me.
And as long as the person holding the mirror is compassionate and empathetic and not shoving it in your face, but holding it kindly there, it can be the most beautiful relationship that you'll ever have. But I don't believe in the one soulmate that you're destined to be with.
because I really think that there's a soul mate for each frequency you operate at.
So there's a soul mate for your lowest frequency, which when you're operating on that frequency, you will find really attractive.
But as soon as you upgrade to a mid frequency, you'll think to yourself, how was I ever with that person?
And then you have that frequency.
And then you have your soul mate of your highest frequency, which you could argue is your ultimate soulmate, but that requires you to step up.
you have to do the work.
And do that work. And so I think you will find a soulmate, and if you think about even the word soulmate, I really believe that a soulmate is a mate for your soul and that could be a friend.
It could be a romantic partner.
And that lower vibration, that lower frequency soulmate is almost like a cellmate, a prison mate that kind of keeps you stuck.
Yeah. And I think a lot of us can empathize with having lived with a cellmate for some time where you thought you were in love, but actually you were in prison and you were being held back from your potential, you were being trapped based on what you believed was possible for you.
And maybe you settled for less than you deserve because you believed that was your soulmate and cellmate for life.
And so I want people to be much more freer with knowing that your real partner is out there and they're not this perfect person and they're not this person that has it all and they're not going to show you the best parts of yourself either.
This idea that the best person will bring out the best of me, they'll show you the worst of you so that you can bring out the best of yourself.
That's what we're trying to work on.
And my wife's definitely done that for me.
The key is they do it in a non judgmental, empathetic and loving way.
Not in a way that's like, I see all your flaws and pointing them out in a manipulative or controlling way.
How long have you guys been married?
We've been married this year for nine years and together for 12.
How'd you guys meet?
Oh gosh, so we tell the full story on the first ever episode of my podcast. Okay, go listen, you guys.
Actually, if you want to know… Yeah, that's the first one.
Start with that. That's probably the right answer for that question.
I love that. Okay. But yeah, we met before I became a monk.
Okay. I was serving at my local temple in London, because I was training in my final year of college knowing that I was going to do that.
And I met a woman who was around my mom's age, and I was asked to show her around with some chores and services.
And I showed her around, and at the end of it, she said, I have a daughter that I'd love to introduce to meditation and spirituality.
She's around your age.
Would you connect with her?
And I said, well, I'm going to become a monk.
So I'll introduce her to my sister because they were a similar age.
That happens to be my wife's mom.
And she brought in my wife, like a week later to introduce me to her.
I'd ask my sister to come along.
I saw my wife, this is years ago now, I thought she was absolutely stunning and beautiful and was like, no, focus on being a monk, focus, focus, focus.
And then when I came back from being a monk three years later, her and my sister were best friends.
And so my sister was our matchmaker in the end.
And so that's the short version.
That's beautiful, that's beautiful.
I think a lot of people listening to that story who are single might think, I would love to meet someone organically like that, that's the dream, you know that doesn't happen anymore.
So I'm curious what you would say to someone who is having that thought and then secondly if you could give your thoughts on dating apps because I think a lot of people in my community are feeling pretty drained from them right now.
And you know, my belief is that things like Your Story, Natural Connections, meeting people still happen and the dating apps can be great but they've also made us believe that that stuff doesn't happen but it does.
Like we still go live in the world.
We still meet someone's mom who has a cute daughter.
Like we still do all that stuff.
So I'm just curious your thoughts.
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Yeah, I think times are changing too.
Like if you look at it 25, 30, maybe even longer now, you know, 50 years ago, most people met someone who lived in one mile radius from where they grew up.
So you'd get introduced to someone through your parents or through your friends or maybe you'll bump into them while walking to your building or whatever it was.
And I think we always romanticize things in the past. And I want to point that out because I think we all have this, and by the way, we have this as humans.
We always say the good old days, in my time, things were amazing.
And you know you're old when you start saying stuff like that.
Like, oh, the music when I grew up was really better than today's music.
I say that all the time.
And by the way, 20 years from now, people will be saying that about Sabrina Carpenter and being like, when I had you know, and so it's like the same thing that goes round and round.
And so, first of all, I like to just cut out this nostalgic false belief because what it does is it gives you a safety blanket of being like, oh, back in the day, things were amazing, today it's worse.
And I think, I mean, you could look at that, you could cut that and slice that both ways in the world and not, there'll be plenty of historians and researchers who say, today is better than ever.
And some will say it's harder than ever.
And ultimately when it comes to dating, I think the point is that mindset doesn't help.
And so yes, I really believe that what people are looking for, and I did this last week, so it's funny you ask.
I became Match's relationship advisor, Match .com's relationship advisor last year.
And the reason I did that was because I'd developed a core values test in my book, Eight Rules of Love, two years ago.
And I wanted to partner with an app that would help people match based on core values.
My goal wasn't that you should have the same values.
My goal was your values should be something you're aware of.
I think too many people are with people that they find out their values three years later.
Oh my gosh, I wanted to have kids.
I had no idea. Oh really?
You wanted to become an entrepreneur and quit your steady job.
I had no idea. Oh, I didn't realize you actually want to live in the farm and not at the city, like no idea.
We're just so unaware of these very big things about someone.
And so we did this event last week in LA on Thursday night, it was for 100 singles in LA.
And I was really excited to see how it went.
And the goal was for people to meet in person, but with that ethos and I started out with this experiment where I was standing in the middle of the room, I was surrounded by a hundred singles and I read out loud I -statements.
And if it applied to them, they had to step forward. And if it didn't apply to them, they stood where they were.
So imagine a hundred people surrounded.
And I read out the first one, which is something like I consistently miss red flags and a bunch of people stepped forward. I asked them what red flags they missed and people were honest but tiptoeing.
And then I asked another question and it got deeper every time.
So the next question I asked was something like, I sometimes forget my friends in a relationship.
So when I'm dating someone, I forget about my friendships and it was so funny because this group of girls were there with their friend and they all push this friend forward. And I love the honesty.
I was like, this is hilarious.
And all three of the friends were like, yeah, she always does that.
And then I gave her the mic and she goes, yes, I'm the friend that was my friend.
And I was like, how beautiful.
And then it got really deep.
And then I asked the question I've been cheated on by an ex. And people step forward and share.
The reason I'm sharing this is what I found was that all of these people at every stage were willing to be vulnerable.
It took a second. It took a beat.
It took a moment. It wasn't straight off the bat.
People tiptoed forward at the start, at the end people were coming forward and opening their hearts.
And what I realized is that the reason why we think online dating doesn't work is because we want instant intimacy, we want instant vulnerability, we want instant openness.
And even that night, I had to wait and be patient for people to feel safe with me, with each other, with the space.
And I think that's what we should be focusing on is can I create a safe space where someone feels they can be that way with me?
The other thing I'd say for anyone who's feeling exhausted with the apps, again, is I'm not surprised.
Of course you are. It's exhausting to be rejected, reject, accept, move forward, ghosted, whatever it may be, everything in between, but I'd say the real challenge is not the app and it's our mindset.
And what I mean by that is, we live, when we're dating, we live in one of two states.
We're either passive, so we say things like, it will happen when it happens.
Because I'm not worried right now.
Secretly, we're really scared and insecure and pretending.
And the other side is we're pressured.
Oh, my gosh, did you see that person just got engaged.
I'm thirty -five. How am I still single?
There's all this pressure.
So we live in being passive or feeling pressure.
And really what I was saying to everyone that night and what my goal for everyone listening today would be, is I want you to be in a state of peace.
Peace with your past, peace with your present and peace about your future.
Because, guess what?
Pressure doesn't attract love.
How could pressure ever attract love, and how could being passive ever attract love, so how do you get peace?
Peace is saying, I know what happened in my past wasn't a waste of time.
It hurt, it was painful, it was the worst. But it wasn't a waste of time, because it showed me who I don't want to be with, and who I don't want to become.
And by the way, I'm not going to put pressure on myself, because I actually believe, that When I live in a state of peace and calm, I'm now operating at that frequency that attracts a peaceful and calming relationship into my life, whereas if I feel pressure, I'll attract drama, and if I'm passive I'll attract trauma, but if I'm at peace I'll attract someone who's calm and I'll attract someone who's matching my frequency.
Sorry, go on. No, I'm nodding if you're listening to this, I'm nodding in a crazy way because I agree so much. I think I'm at peace.
I really do. I had a dating coach on. I feel like I'm at peace.
You seem at peace. I know.
I think the dating coach I had on recently and she was like, maybe you're secretly like...
Cause I said something like, I'm really...
I said something like, if when it happens it will happen, but I genuinely feel very at peace.
For the first time really in the past, I don't know, only in like the past couple of months, I feel really good.
Like, I feel so, you know, As you said, my past is my past for a reason.
It got me to where I am today.
And in the future, I'm excited but I'm also just grateful for where I am now.
I think a big problem that I have with the dating culture and the way that we view finding the one or whatever partner is that it really encourages people to forget to be grateful for where they are.
And for me, I focus so much on creating a life that I love so that you know to your previous point that I'm vibrating at my highest point that I can be so that you know, I love the the saying like water seeks its own level.
And so I always think about that.
I'm like, I want to be up here when I run into another person who I'm compatible with, and they're up here.
But yeah, I don't know, I wonder, I wonder, Do you think I'm at peace, Caroline?
You do. I think really I am for the, for the, for the first time, which is cool.
It's a nice place to be.
But I think, yeah. I feel it.
I feel it for whatever it's worth in your presence today, for sure.
That's good. And also I was going to say that, I love what you're saying because a lot of the times people say, well, how do I know it's love?
And if you're already living a life you love, you'll know it's love.
Totally. Because you're already living at that level.
Everything is operating at the vibration and frequency of love.
So when something new comes in, you actually know what frequency it's vibrating it.
You won't have to guess anymore because it makes sense, it aligns.
You know whether it's jealousy, lust, envy, confusion, whatever it may be, because you already love everything that's going on, but if you're hating everything that's going on, now everything feels like love.
So true. Because everything feels better than where you're at.
Wow. I really like that.
That's actually so true, and I think that will resonate with so many people.
I know for me in my twenties, that was so the case.
I was desperate, desperate to have a boyfriend because I didn't really like myself and I didn't really like my life.
I felt like I wasn't living up to my potential, I didn't feel creatively fulfilled.
I didn't like myself as a person and instead of dealing with all those things I was like how can I get a boyfriend?
Need to chase boys, need a boyfriend, need a boyfriend to validate, to validate my existence and it's such a great turning point when you can stop and kind of pivot in your life and think, and really focus on, you know, loving yourself and being loved to your point.
So when it comes in you'll know.
Yeah, you recognize it.
I love that. Yeah. I love that so much. So you're gearing up for a massive live tour.
What can people expect from this tour.
It's so exciting. I'm very excited.
It's the first time in six years since we launched the podcast that I actually get to go do this on stage across North America to start with.
And I think people are going to expect surprise guests in every city.
Love. Some of your favorites, some absolutely new ones.
So really, really excited about that.
People can expect to actually have a human connection.
I want everyone to be able to ask questions.
I want to make it really interactive.
People will be able to come and be a part of the experience.
And I want people to leave there with community.
I think that's something that I found when I'm touring that's different is that people don't walk out of that room with the same people they came with, they're walking around having conversations with people next to them.
If you think about it, everyone in that room is going to be someone who listens to on purpose.
They're listening every day, they're listening every week, they're listening every month.
Imagine being in the same space, and now you're not walking, or you're not in your kitchen, or you're not at the gym, you're actually in the same space, listening to the conversation.
I can't imagine what kind of connections will come out of that.
So I think it's going to be super exciting, it's going to be meaningful.
I'm gonna be leading meditations on stage so for anyone who's been struggling I'll be guiding those meditations as well.
I think it's gonna be a really meaningful impactful evening and I can't wait I'm so excited.
What's the hardest part of doing a huge show and like planning something at this scale?
Do you get nervous?
I can't imagine you do but what's the, Are there any challenges that you're looking forward to overcoming?
So I went on a world tour two years ago yes so we did nearly 40 cities in like three, four months.
And that was much harder than I expected it to be.
And I have a lot of clients who are musicians who tour and do like a hundred, 150 shows, 200 shows.
And they always used to tell me that they'd be exhausted by show 50.
So I didn't even do 50 shows.
So I can really empathize with people who tour that long.
To me, it becomes about everything is sacrificed.
And I don't mean that as like, oh my God, I'm sacrificing.
Everything is about the craft. So, for example, when I was on tour last time, my day would start around 2 or 4 p .m. for working, I mean.
It would start later because I'd start with a group meditation for people who'd opted in for the smaller meditation.
I'd start a Q &A session for that group, then the show would start at like 730, so I'd stop eating at midday.
And then I wouldn't eat until midnight.
And then I'd wake up, jumped on a plane and go and do it all over again in another place.
and so I never went out at night.
I never went out to a restaurant because I was on vocal rest. And so to me the key is for that time, you've got to be totally zoned in and I love that.
I really enjoy it. I think about it like an athlete at the championships or Super Bowl or whatever it is where it's like, you've just got to be focused on that one thing and there's a beautiful thing that comes out of that.
You get really in the zone, you recognize what talents and skills you have, you recognize your ability to fast that I didn't know I could do that anymore for that long and so it was just like a really beautiful reminder to build different muscles and build different strengths and find a new sense of confidence and so yeah everyone's like did you travel to this place what did you see I'm like I didn't see I saw my hotel room I saw a plane sure and I saw the venue and I loved I don't have any that's beautiful like that's what it's I'm not traveling for pleasure, I'm traveling to serve and it's really exciting.
That's… I love that.
Okay, before we go I have to ask you, do you have any guilty pleasures like junk food, movies, TV shows, like what… When you're like, you know what, I'm gonna treat myself, like what do you do?
So, there's this place in L .A.
called Mister Charlie's.
It's basically plant -based McDonald's.
Oh, wow. So, they do chicken nuggets, they do a chicken sandwich, it's plant -based, That is the fries and like I've now got to once every two weeks.
I need that. It was once every week.
It's now got to once every two weeks.
And then I'm a, I love Van Leeuwen cause they do a ton of plant based flavors.
And so my Van Leeuwen order, my wife believes this should be on their menu because I have a very specific order.
So I go and get, um, a double chocolate fudge brownie scoop of ice cream with hot fudge on top with sprinkles, cookie crumble, honeycomb candy.
And I think that's about it.
So those are my two food guilty pleasures.
So every two weeks I'll, I'll do that now on one day together.
So that day glucose goddess, ignore it.
Just don't talk to Jessi for a week, pretend like it didn't happen.
Uh, and then TV wise I find like, um, no, I think I watch good stuff.
I mean, I just watch white lowest. The new episode came up, but that's not guilty This is great TV so I love that.
This year it used to, definitely like at one point I would never miss an episode of Selling Sunset.
Wait I love that. Okay, I love that.
But I love real estate so I would skip and I was telling Jason up and I met Jason recently and I was telling him, I was like I love Selling Sunset but I always skip to all the homes because I love properties and real estate.
He's like, yeah that's what every guy says.
And so I was like all right Jason, thanks for judging me but it's true so yeah that's what I like.
I love that, okay well Van Leeuwen if you're listening we need the Jay Shetty on the menu.
that's crazy that that hasn't happened yet um jay thank you for coming on this was so meaningful and i just i think you are so wise and uh i love your energy where can people find you and where can people get tickets for the tour yeah i'd love for people to come see me on tour it's jay shaadi .me forward slash tour jay shaadi .me forward slash tour and then you can find me on tiktok instagram youtube wherever you uh watch social and and then on any podcast app, iHeart, Sirius, and all the other ones, Apple, Spotify, everything so yeah.
Thanks, thanks. Honestly, it was such a great time.
That was one of my favorite conversations I've had and you are the best and on purpose is waiting for you.
Thank you. And so we look forward to having you on the show.
Thank you so much. Thanks for listening guys.
Bye. If you loved this episode, you will also love my interview with Kendall Jenner on setting boundaries to increase happiness and healing your inner child.
You could be reading something that someone is saying about you, and being like, that is so unfair because that's not who I am.
And that really gets to me sometimes.
But then looking at myself in the mirror, and being like, but I know who I am.
Why does anything else matter?
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