It's really difficult to show up for yourself, to honour your needs, to walk away from people and situations that bring you despair when you lack self-respect.
Your way of dealing with things is that you betray and abandon yourself, as long as it doesn't cost you connections or whatever it is you're holding on to.
But the reward for breaking your own heart will always be the reinforcement of whatever feelings of worthlessness you battle, you hold.
It's a vicious cycle, because when you feel worthless or valueless, it's almost inevitable that you become someone who will do anything to make that feeling go away.
No matter how temporary, no matter how unstable or unsustainable it is, you'll keep wounding yourself and, in some cases, you'll keep wounding other people, just to experience these fleeting moments of enoughness.
But thankfully, the beautiful thing about self-respect and a lot of all the other self-related concepts is that the actions that build them are also the actions that prove them.
So you just have to be willing to show up and do what is required.
Let's get into it.
Stage one, refrain.
As I've said before, you cannot heal what you refuse to identify.
It can be so hard to know which habits diminish your sense of worth when you have no point of reference.
But here's my litmus test.
Think of someone so precious to you.
If you don't have someone like that, that's okay.
Use your imagination.
Think of your dream best friend, you know, your dream partner, your dream lover, your dream family, because I know a lot of us have these dreams in our heads.
Now think of a normal, calm moment with that person, not a moment of heightened emotion.
This person is telling you detailed stories about their life and relationships.
And by relationships, I mean all types, not just romantic ones.
They share their experiences, but as they talk, you realize that those experiences reflect exactly the way you live your life, the way you interact with both yourself and others.
How does that make you feel?
Is it joy or is there some shame coming up?
Are you excited for them or does it make you sad?
Are you suddenly wistful?
If a newborn came into that life, would you wish them those experiences?
Would it be a blessing or a curse?
If all your answers are positive, congratulations, this video may not be for you.
But if your answers are negative, then you've learned that you're doing things to yourself or allowing things to be done to you that you wouldn't want done to those you love.
So buckle in.
What are the things you identified in the test we just did?
In what ways have you been disregarding yourself?
Do you stay in bad relationships?
Do you hang out with people who clearly don't like you and who you sometimes don't even like, but you stay just to avoid being alone.
Are you overly self-critical in constant social comparison, denying your values to gain social acceptance?
Do you do just about anything for attention, people pleasing, having no boundaries, breaking the ones that you have, going against your gut instinct, seeking codependency.
Write these down.
And let me address this while I can.
There's this rhetoric in our society where people who aren't in life-threatening situations cite love and loyalty as reasons for staying with people or in spaces that continue to chip away at their humanity, their light and their spirit.
And when you challenge that idea, they tell you that you don't know anything about love.
And I think to myself, how can it be love when he excludes you?
How can it be love when it excludes you?
And then some people cite loneliness and I think to myself, but you're still lonely.
You are surrounded but deeply lonely.
We wouldn't be having this conversation if you weren't.
It's cognitive dissonance.
So be honest with yourself.
There are so many things that we do to abandon ourselves.
I advise you to be very honest with this step, because it really helps a lot with the next step of reframing, which is to address the void.
The things you identified earlier are just symptoms of something deeper.
There's a void you are trying to fill with all these things.
But the problem is that with every action of self abandonment, you are only widening that void.
I believe almost every single case of self disrespect points to one thing.
You are looking for a home outside of yourself.
You are looking for acceptance, love and safety in other people when you haven't given it to yourself.
And that's very risky because there are so many things that mimic love, safety and acceptance.
How can you tell the difference if you don't know what you are looking for?
And before you bring up that one person that you know, who fell in love even though they hated themselves and it all worked out well, they are the exception.
By virtue of that, they cannot be the rule.
Yes, being loved by other people is beautiful and necessary and irreplaceable in many ways, but it cannot fill the emptiness within you.
That's why you keep ending up with counterfeit love, toxic situations, because people who love themselves will not break themselves down just to love you back to health.
So it's not that they don't understand love, it's that they also love themselves.
They do not exclude themselves from the list of people they care about.
Healthy people want healthy relationships and will not stay if they realize that their love is your lifeline.
But toxic people want to be your lifeline.
So no matter what they do, you feel like you have nowhere to go.
When you create a home within yourself, you can leave spaces that aren't safe because you know you always have somewhere to return to.
You know you can always just come home to yourself.
Just like you wouldn't let anyone, just anyone into your physical home.
You must also be careful about what, about who you let into your inner world.
You don't stay in bad relationships.
You don't fear disappointing people, because you know that when you get home you have to live with the consequences of disappointing yourself, of breaking your own heart.
The only way to fill the void is by filling it with yourself.
If you believe in the divine, in the supernatural, you can add that.
But even then, it's still you, just with a plus.
You must accept that the healing love you've been looking for desperately in other people, searching for in other people, is you.
So if you want real, if you want anything remotely healthy, you must be willing to step into that void, to sit there to listen, to get to know every nook and cranny, every curve.
Stop running.
Allow yourself to step into that darkness, to sit in that scary silence.
Allow yourself to hit rock bottom because when you hit rock bottom the only way is up.
The amount of internal knots that can be untied if you stopped distracting yourself with people and things, if you stopped escaping the pain and discomfort and sat with what hurts.
Healing feels like death.
I'm sorry, but this love and light thing is not true.
It's love and light later, but it feels like death.
It hurts more than what hurt you.
Accidents happen in a split second, but they can take years to recover from.
Address your void.
I can tell you to do affirmations and to stand in front of a mirror, look at yourself and say 1 million times this and that and that, and that everything will work out.
But that's like putting lipstick on a pig.
When you address the cause, the symptoms disappear.
Learning to love and respect yourself isn't a fairy tale, at least not at first.
It's ugly, lonely, messy.
It's a choice.
It's action.
It's questioning, examining and learning from the pain.
Athletes go through so much hell in training to show up effortlessly in their chosen discipline.
Effortlessly.
They deny themselves so much to get the results we see.
You want self-love, you want self-respect, you want self-confidence, you want to rebuild your self-esteem, but you don't want to deal with the sacrifice it requires.
This isn't to shame you.
I'm just waking you up to the requirements.
Anyone who tells you that building self-worth and self-love is all candles and bubble baths is trying to sell you something.
It can be a part of it, but you can't bathe while drowning.
It's time to build a love story with yourself, where you are your own hero.
Yeah, your own friend, where your opinion of you matters most.
The thought of breaking your own heart should make you want to tear out your hair.
It should be that visceral.
Yes, it can be scary to face that void, but trust me, it's where your greatest power lies.
That discomfort is temporary, but the strength you build lasts.
So take five minutes today to sit in silence and just reflect on the areas of your life where you're just distracting yourself, numbing yourself to avoid what you're carrying.
What are you using?
People, vices, adrenaline, money, status.
Write those things down because you need it for stage two, which is rebuild.
Open your notes app or get a pen and a paper and write out your values and non-negotiables.
Not who is a non-negotiable, but what is your non-negotiable?
Because when it's a what, it doesn't matter who.
Look within yourself.
Think about the kind of life you want to live.
Forget about how you were raised.
Only take what matters and create your own value system.
If you're struggling to know what is right for you, you can't start with what is wrong.
You know these things.
Yes, you know what is killing you.
You know what you are sick of.
You know what you are tired of.
Your body keeps score.
The opposite or alternative to those things can make it into your creed.
Sit down and do some deep self-reflection.
Ask and answer the hard questions.
In a reality where I am safe, loved, seen, abundant and healthy, what kind of person am I?
What do I do right now that will hinder the life I see in my mind's eye?
Do I want only momentary highs or do I want sustainable joy?
Why do I admire the people I admire?
Are they worth admiring or has culture convinced me that I have to admire them?
I don't think there's a wrong or right way to write creeds, by the way.
It's your life, so it's your call.
Do what you want.
As long as you're not infringing on anyone's human rights or hurting anyone, just make sure it's true to who you are or who you want to become.
After you've written all of this, it's time to purge.
Now, I know this sounds a bit scary, but I'm going to explain.
This is where you take inventory of all your habits and your relationships, including the one you have with yourself.
This is where it gets real, because the inventory will be tested or measured against your creed, your value system, which you just created.
And anything that does not match, anything that does not fit that system must go.
But it doesn't have to happen all at once.
So breathe.
You can start small.
One relationship at a time.
One behaviour at a time.
Take it slowly, one at a time.
But the goal is to make sure that, at the end of it all, everything that does not match your creed is taken off the plate.
Purge them.
Remember, the things that build self-respect are also the things that prove it.
So if you value safety, softness and consideration, you'll work to give that to yourself and won't be found in relationships that don't give it to you.
If you value commitment, you cannot be in situationships. no matter how lonely you feel.
Because you know that, while you may feel good for the first two weeks, as he always does, you're about to go through unnecessary hell, all while still feeling very lonely.
So you weigh both and pick your poison.
Plus, how can you find commitment when someone who has no desire to commit to you is taking up undeserved real estate in your life?
I ask.
If you value presence, then you have to be present.
You can't keep escaping all the moments of your life with vices.
You must purge.
You have to live by your creed.
Not my creed.
Your creed.
Okay?
That's why I said write it down.
So you know what you're living by and why you are doing it.
It's on you.
Not on me.
Okay?
It's time to walk away from anything that no longer serves you, including the version of yourself that is holding you back.
The life you want, the person you want to be, will cost you the person you are right now.
This step is not easy at all, but it's pretty simple.
Just choose one thing from your list that you can start purging today.
One small action that reflects your new creed.
Just one thing can begin your transformation.
And now... drum roll, to the final stage, retain.
There are levels to everything.
A master was once a beginner and a beginner can become a master.
Also, if a master doesn't continue perfecting or sharpening their skill set, they might risk going back to the beginning.
That is not a shameful thing as long as we're willing to keep at it.
The point is, the more you show self-respect, the lower your tolerance for bullcrap is.
I repeat it.
The more you show self-respect, the lower your tolerance for bull crap becomes.
Actions of self-respect lead to more actions of self-respect and honestly, gratitude for the life you are creating.
There is nothing more fulfilling than knowing that you're living in alignment with your core, with your truth.
You don't have to spend energy hiding.
You know shh You don't have to spend your energy doing things that make you want to pluck out your eyeballs.
You know, you're going to have bad days, of course.
You're going to struggle.
Life is imperfect.
It's a strange world we live in.
But the key is to stay honest open, compassionate and accountable, so that you can find your way back.
By setting boundaries, staying true to your values, taking responsibility, being assertive, giving yourself grace and walking away from people and things that threaten your humanity, that threaten your balance, that threaten your well-being, you are building up self-respect points.
To master it, all you have to do is rinse and repeat.
Listen.
Listen.
When I talk about self-love self-respect self-esteem, I'm not selling the lie that you don't need anybody.
Please, please.
I'm inviting us into a space where we can cultivate fulfilling relationships with ourselves and with other people, where we can break the cycle of self-abandonment, the cycle of self-hate, so that we are never the reason why someone has to sit through a video like this.
Chances are you're on my channel because of somebody.
Yes.
So limit the chances of you being the reason why someone has to do this.
Okay.
It may not have started with you, but it can end with you if you so desire.
It's never easy.
It really isn't.
But I hope you keep showing up for yourself that you never stop trying.
You deserve all the good things in the world.
All the good things life has to offer.
As always, it's been an absolute pleasure.
My name is Pearl, and I'll see you in the next video.
