Well, well, well.
Look what the cat dragged in from Stamford.
Hey, Dwight.
Fact.
I am older.
I am wiser.
Do not mess with me.
Okay, sounds good.
What are you doing?
I don't know what you're talking about.
I was under my forehead.
Oh, good.
Why are you licking my forehead?
Meet my eye line, Jim.
I am.
Stop acting like an idiot.
Okay.
What is this?
Tape recorder.
For what?
For recording.
Michael is on vacation, and he's asked me to record all meetings and to type up the transcripts.
Okay.
Uh, Karen, any news from that law firm?
Yeah, the deal closed yesterday.
It's a six-month commitment.
Oh, my God.
Dwight, what are you doing?
What?
You're not allowed to take off your pants in the middle of the office.
I'm not.
Dwight, you know what?
Just back off, okay?
That's making me uncomfortable.
This is sexual harassment, by the way.
Oh, my God.
He's got a knife.
I do not have a knife.
No, let the record show that Dwight K Schrute is now completely nude and is holding a plastic knife to Stanley's neck.
Let the record show that Jim Halpert is a liar.
Smile.
No.
This came out really well.
There you go.
This is humongous.
I am not a security threat.
And my middle name is Kurt, not fart.
Well, well, well.
Hmm.
Boss for, what was it?
Oh, four and a half hours?
New record.
Low previous record.
Henry roston boss for nine years four months and he only left because he had family matters to attend to.
And he what, michael?
Hmm, Yawn.
Four seconds.
What are you doing?
Oh, you had said that you don't do anything personal during work time, so I'm just making sure.
Oh, wait a minute.
So you're gonna time me every time I yawn?
That's absurd.
Really?
Oh, hey, look.
Monkey knows how to use a stopwatch, everybody.
He's ti...
Personal conversation.
17 seconds.
There is no way that that was... One second.
Seriously?
You're gonna send him back?
Uh, yeah.
That's the safest part of a car.
In the event of a crash, the driver always protects his side first.
Hey, Andy.
You.
By any chance, did you see Battlestar Galactica last night?
No, I did not.
Is that any good?
Actually not.
It was really so-so.
Okay.
I mean I like all the crazy monsters and stuff you know, like Klingons and Wookiees and all that.
But
Sorry, was there something you wanted to add, Dwight?
Is that anything like the original Battle Star Black, dude?
You know what's weird?
It's practically a shot-for-shot remake.
Really?
It's about this guy named Dumbledore Calrissian who needs to return the ring back to Mordor.
Really?
That doesn't sound right.
Last week, Dwight sent out a memo about the dress code.
So this is me showing him that I'm taking it very seriously.
Okay, how about this?
An ice sculpture shaped like you, covered in chocolate, covered strawberries.
Aw, Dwight.
You're trying too hard, and that's just not classy.
See, the thing about classy is it's a state of mind.
Well, I'm sorry.
I just don't know what classy is then.
Okay, let's just try this one on for size, and I apologize because it's right off the top of my head.
An ice sculpture of you completely surrounded by a variety of chocolate-covered fruits.
Strawberries.
That's inspired.
I said that!
Forget everything you thought you knew about ab workouts.
Done.
This ab workout is specifically designed to strengthen your core.
Yeah, you know what?
Uh, how much is that?
Uh, it's only 25 bucks.
Wow.
Um, okay.
Hello, this is Dwight Schrute from the Dunder Mifflin Paper Company.
Wow, that's great, because I need paper.
Excellent, then you are in luck, because we are having a limited time offer only on everything.
Wow, this is my lucky day.
Ask him his name.
What is your name, sir?
I am Bill Buttlicker.
Really, that's your real name?
How dare you?
My family built this country, by the way.
Be respectful, Dwight, please.
Yes, Michael.
Could you hold on one second?
That's my other line.
What?
No, but I... Hello?
Yeah.
No, I'm just on the phone with this stupid salesman.
He's so dumb.
Sorry.
That was a family emergency.
Oh, no.
What's wrong?
You know what?
That's private.
Boundaries, Dwight.
Come on.
I'm sorry, Mr. Buttlicker.
As I was saying, we're having a limited time.
Speak up a little bit louder.
I'm hard of hearing.
He's hard of hearing.
He's an old man.
Okay.
As I was saying, right now, we are having... Yeah, talk louder.
Okay, our prices have never been lower.
Son, you have to talk louder.
Never been lower.
Louder, son!
Buttlicker!
Our prices have never been lower!
Stop it!
That is totally inappropriate.
Thank you, sir.
No, thank you.
I never let anyone walk behind me.
Seven out of ten attacks are from the rear.
Okay, well, that still leaves a 30% chance that I'll attack you from the front.
Yeah, but it'll be easier to stop.
I can always block the blow, or I can counter it, but... I'd like to lodge a complaint.
I'm sorry to hear about that.
Who is this about?
You.
Okay.
Just want to let you know I take complaints very seriously, so...
When did this happen?
One minute ago.
Okay.
And how do you feel?
Angry.
All right.
Did he hit you?
No.
Did you cry?
No.
Did you feel like crying?
No.
I'm just gonna write, held back tears.
Wait, stop writing that.
That is not true.
If you stop crying, I'll stop writing.
I'm not...
Someone attack me.
Kevin, go!
No way.
Last time, you pulled my pants down, and then you tried to choke me with my shoelace.
False.
I did choke you with your shoelace.
Now come at me!
Okay, with all due respect to everyone here, I think the most worthy opponent of you is you.
That is correct.
Unless there happen to be measles present.
So let's just say that Dwight has come at you with the throat punch.
Now how would you, Dwight, defend against it?
Easy.
Allow me to demonstrate.
I am attacking myself with a throat punch.
Here it comes.
Block.
Grasp wrist as such.
And what if he comes at you with the other hand?
Because he does have two.
Good point.
Second throat punch.
Absorb the blow.
Groin punch.
Hip block.
Elbow to the gut.
Uh-oh.
Up to the nose.
No, you're not.
Ah!
Oh!
Oh, my God.
He's making you look like such a fool.
He really is, but not for long.
Ow!
God!
In step!
Oh, not again!
Ha!
Ha!
Ha!
You let go!
You let go!
Oh, you're right!
I can't hold on!
You two are so evenly matched, I don't know how one of you is gonna get the upper hand.
The important thing to remember, Jim, we always have what is called the element of surprise.
I'm just saying that you can't be sure that it wasn't you.
That's ridiculous.
Of course it wasn't me.
Marijuana is a memory loss drug, so maybe you just don't remember.
I would remember.
Well, how could you if it just erased your memory?
That's not how it works.
Now, how do you know how it works?
Knock it off, okay?
I'm interviewing you.
No, you said that I'd be conducting the interview when I walked in here.
Now, exactly how much pot did you smoke?
I think we all want to know the same thing, right?
Who's the strongest?
Well, there's only one way to solve that.
The thigh curl contest.
All right, here we go, everybody.
May the manliest man win.
Go.
One, two, three, four.
Here, this is for your elbows.
For your elbows.
Quick phone call from you guys.
Keep going.
Eight, nine, ten.
We got it?
Very funny, Jim.
Yeah, Jim.
Way to mock us for perfecting our bodies.
Got a little client meeting at Shannie O'Gannigan's tonight.
It shouldn't go all night long, so if you'd like me to, I could swing by your house so the baby can experience a strong male presence.
No?
Nothing?
Okay.
Have fun working.
Hi there, Joe.
Sorry to interrupt.
Um, this evening, I have... Hello?
Hey, Joe.
It's Jim Halpert.
I actually scheduled a meeting at 730 with a very important client and it's so weird because we never have meetings after 5 pm, but I was hoping that maybe just this once it would be okay.
Well, sure.
You know, you go ahead and push some printers.
You know I will.
And by the way, seriously, we never, never do this.
Okay.
Okay.
Sorry, sugar.
What'd you want?
Well, you see, I actually do have a meeting with a client.
I'm gonna just reschedule for next week.
Thank you.
Thanks again, by the way.
They've been calling all of their clients and begging them to pay more money.
It can only mean one thing.
They're desperate, which can only mean one thing.
They are total...
Great work, Dwight.
Quiet, you.
No, I mean great detective work, because this must be the first case you've ever cracked, right?
You crack a case?
That has a pejorative connotation.
It's like calling a policeman a cop.
You solve a case, and yes, I've solved plenty.
So how long can they stay liable?
What are your top five cases?
I'm gonna answer Charles first.
Because you've solved zero cases.
Okay.
One case of the Beat Bandit.
Missing beats from all over the farm.
No footprints.
Inside job, mows in socks.
Boom.
Case closed.
Okay.
Do not go anywhere near the conference room.
Done.
Because you have embarrassed me for the last time today.
Got it?
I'm not following you.
You two are morons.
Got it.
Get out.
Count Choculitis.
Sounds tough.
Why did you write that down, Jim?
Is it because you know I love Count Chocula?
Do you?
I think you need to confess the fact.
Yep.
What are you doing?
What?
Those are my keys.
Good luck.
Jim!
Damn it!
No!
Jim, let me out!
Jim, let... The light gray.
