What's he look like?
He's got his finger over the peephole.
Okay, game on.
Back up!
This is my building.
I've got to take it back.
Max, this is life, not Call of Duty Modern Warfare 3.
Move!
What is meaning of this horrible, horrible note?
Oh, you're not a man?
What kind of question is this?
Do I look like a man?
No, but you clump around up there like a man.
Max, please.
Did you write this horrible, horrible note?
I did.
First day in my new home, and I'm given this horrible, horrible note with threats.
Well, they're not actually threats.
I will gut you like a hog.
To be clear, I only skimmed the note.
Everything was happening so fast.
Listen, we've obviously gotten off to a bad start.
Please come in.
Why would I want to come in with you horrible, horrible, ooh, cupcake land?
Yes, we have a cupcake business.
We're just starting, but doing well.
Max is the baker.
Say hello, Max.
I know people in the mob.
Max, and I'm Caroline.
You are?
Sophie Kuczynski.
Is that a Polish accent I'm detecting?
Yes.
I visited Warsaw once.
I love it.
Oh, because I hate it.
Rats and pimps.
Why have you not yet offered me cupcake?
It's the least thing you can do after a horrible, horrible note.
Oh, sure.
Chocolate or vanilla.
Yes.
Why such sour poos?
Sorry about that.
It's just, we work long hours at the neighborhood diner and Max has another job as well, and then she comes home and she has to make the cupcakes.
Mmm.
So good.
Mmm.
How could someone so angry make something so sweet?
She's not always like this.
I'm usually like this.
Just ask the previous tenant.
Oh, wait.
You can't.
I know you two girls are like these cupcakes.
One is dark and heavy, and one is light and fluffy.
I prefer the fluffy one.
Well, I think we've made our point.
No music, no clumping.
I'll shoot you through the floor.
Thanks for stopping by.
I'm so glad we can joke with each other already.
Sorry about the note.
Can we start off... You have the Chanel Allure lip gloss?
Yeah.
You know the Chanel?
No, love.
I can't afford it anymore.
Oh, take one.
I got handfuls in my bag.
Really?
Oh, that's so nice.
Hey!
Hey!
Hey!
Do I have to put you on a leash?
Hey, we start again.
You take a Chanel, and I take more cupcakes to go.
Oh, sure.
Yes.
Oh, no, I am going to wake him up.
Free model penis is my reward for doing everything and being tied to a rock like you.
See, I can't get away because you're the rock and you're heavier than my balloon.
Christ, stop!
This is cleaning job, not gorgeous ladies of wrestling.
Good thing I stopped by to check on you.
What is all this?
You explain it.
I'm gonna go wake the hot model up.
He left a note just doing my job, as usual.
So, you think I'm holding Max back?
What kind of question is this?
Yes.
Well, you're wrong.
We're a great team.
And yes, there are some things she's better at, but there are other areas where I excel.
Well, I don't see them.
That's probably because of your eye.
Did you wake him up?
Uh, no.
I think he might be dead.
Oh, no, not the hot one.
Oh, he's my favorite.
This is all I need on Yelp.
Well, we should call 911.
No, I got it.
What are you gonna do?
I'm gonna give him mouth-to-mouth.
I didn't know there was so much tongue involved.
This is not working.
But you know what?
I know he's still alive because his manhood is knocking on my lady door.
Thank God.
You must have taken too many of those pills on the table.
Pills?
I got this.
Max, go get some hydrogen peroxide.
Sophie, step aside now.
All right.
You sure you know what you're doing?
My friend Chase Travelstead OD'd like three times in college, and I brought her back twice.
Oh.
Yeah.
There you go.
Bring him up.
Bex, you hold his head back.
Open his mouth.
Back up.
I'm starting to see your worst.
There, the phone is unplugged.
Good luck calling the police now, table two.
Wow, you unplugged that phone faster than we unplugged my Aunt Esther.
She was a mean lady.
Sophie, ready to reenter the workforce?
I'm ready.
The question is, are you ready?
And the answer is, no, I am not.
Hey, everybody.
Can I take your order?
Miss, sparkling or still?
How's everything tasting?
Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Miss?
Oh, not you again.
Please, don't eat this.
I ordered a steak and this is a dirty washcloth.
You want me to heat it up?
I mean, why am I always getting you stuff?
How come you're not scratching my back?
See how I told him off?
Just like Max does, right, girl?
Why are you calling me girl?
I'm calling you a woman.
You know, like the girls do with Han.
Only he takes it.
I mean, I wasn't expecting all this.
Neither was I. This is supposed to be my nap time.
Pick up, unless that's a huge problem for you.
Oh, that's it.
I'm gonna tell you the same thing that I told pooters when they added pants to the uniform.
I quit.
You quit?
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You're fired.
Oh, yeah?
Yeah.
Have I been a bad waitress?
The naughtiest.
Uh, they're not going to have sex in a restaurant, are they?
Well, it wouldn't be the first time.
Hell, it wouldn't be the eighth time.
Pick up, Oleg.
Oh, yeah, man.
This is happening.
Anybody want to go grab a lettuce wedges wedges?
There she is, my vegan vixen.
Just look at that healthy glow.
Sugar, that's not a glow, it's a glaze.
I had a doughnut.
Yeah, it fell on my face.
I had to eat it or I would suffocate to death.
I've been on my best behavior and you're not holding up your end?
Which, for some godforsaken reason, I'm not even allowed to comment on?
Well, maybe we could have a cheat day.
And that day could be...
Today?
Pound cake?
Know what I'd like to pound?
I sure do.
What are we waiting for?
What's the holdup back there?
People are placing bets that I'm halfway to Reno with the hooker and the wedding cash.
Relax.
After that subway, Max and Caroline needed some time to freshen up.
They came smelling like that diner cheese I tell you all is still good.
Hey, everybody!
We look just like Sophie.
I am so relieved.
I thought I'd be way overdressed, but I'm just underboobed.
Yeah, we were in a hurry or I would've loaned her a cup of mine.
Oh, right.
Well, like, stop looking at us like that.
It's okay.
I'm marrying you.
You guys look like the four tops.
Well, two tops and a bottom.
Ole, Sophie doesn't want you to see her.
Jump on Chestnut and start down the aisle.
And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.
I know you never wanted to do drag.
And Han, you're supposed to take this in case something happens in the aisle.
This just went from best man to worst job.
What do you think, girls?
Do I look like a virgin?
Oh, listen.
I heard the tuba.
Yeah, that's my cue.
Go, girls, go.
Oh, God!
Her dress almost killed us, and now it killed Earl!
Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
Time for the vows.
Bring the crowns. and crown this marriage with honor.
Oh, raise the clouds to their heads.
Better go.
This is as good as it's gonna get without a ladder.
I, Sophie Kuchinsky, take you, Oleg Golichevsky, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.
Hi, Oleg Olishevsky.
Thank you, Sophie Kluczynski.
To love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side till death comes to take me.
I pronounce you husband and wife!
Max, now you throw the coins.
Long story.
Well, you know, it's funny.
I have a favorite thing, too.
In fact, why don't I just go and get it?
I can't believe it.
I'm about to meet Lonnie Anderson.
Can someone help me lift up my fork?
My arms are still sore from the move.
Open up.
Someone else has to feed Han.
He just licked my pinky.
Earl, what are you doing over there?
Just hanging out with R&B sensation Mary J. Wanna.
Oh, good.
So you're in the right mindset to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I think that's Polish for no.
Uh-huh.
Yes, Sophie, it's my painting.
Excuse me, our painting.
And it's going up on our wall.
Is it me, or is this party tense as hell?
I don't think Sophie and Oleg are gonna make it.
Uh-oh.
Am I talking out loud right now?
I told you, I don't want that thing in here.
I don't understand.
It's just a painting.
What's so bad about it?
Oh, my God.
Nice, huh?
I did it myself.
It's a paint by numbers.
I mean, it's a Putin by numbers.
Why are his nipples so big?
They don't seem that big to me.
Oh, I am too high for this.
I'm not high enough.
In my culture, big nipples mean power and wealth.
In our culture, big nipples means wears a T-shirt in the pool.
There.
I like it.
Adds a certain something to the room.
Every wall needs nipples.
So a guy knows where to look.
Thank you for telling me to do this, Caroline.
She dead?
I get up and run, but my legs are like taffy.
Seriously?
You told him to hang that thing up?
In fairness, I had not seen the painting when I suggested something like that.
I mean, I get it.
It's gorgeous.
But it doesn't go with that decor.
What?
Is it throwing off this gorgeous outdoor-indoor swing?
I'll cut you with a carving knife!
Nobody is cutting anyone, especially not me.
Do you never learn?
Put some beef in your napkin, like I did, and let's get out of here.
Sophie, you asked me to move in.
Guess what?
I moved in.
Yes, i asked you to move in, but not with big, weird nipple potions.
Well, how big are nipples supposed to be?
Because never mind, and what's your problem?
Anyway, i gave you a drawer.
This, This is my drawer, everybody.
What good is this?
I can't even get one of my ball gags in there.
You ask for a drawer, I give you a drawer.
And who needs 12 ball gags anyway?
So now you don't like ball gags?
Who are you, lady?
I'll tell you who I am.
I'm the lady who's putting this in the trash.
You trash that, I'll trash this.
Oh, no?
Oh, you think you're gonna break one of Grandma Chinsky's glasses?
No.
If anyone's gonna break one, it's gonna be me.
This reminds me of the first half of my second marriage and the second half of my third marriage.
Sophie, I'm done.
And as you said to me on our first date, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Fun party.
Not awkward at all.
I should get going, though.
Got to be up early for, what's the thing, church?
Beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep, beep.
Hey, Sophie.
You remember Lester.
Lester, you remember when they discovered fire.
Please, please join me.
May I buy you an egg cream?
Oh, I do love an egg cream.
Excuse me, I got to get a part of my nose.
Girls, girls, I know you want your apartment back, and I'm a reasonable man.
So all I want before I go is a little you-know-what.
More jello?
I'm talking about sex.
Rebound sex.
Rebound sex?
Are you sure you'll even be able to rebound from having sex?
Are you kidding?
There's nothing but sex at that retirement home.
Why do you think I put myself there?
It's wall-to-wall whoopee, and you don't even have to drive home after.
I have in mind a certain elegant lady.
You're out of DP!
Set me up for one night with your friend and I will gladly leave the apartment.
I'll be in your booth.
Hey, Sophie, you'll get with that old guy, right?
Are you freaking kidding me?
Lester, she didn't go for it.
I'm not going back to that retirement home with my tail between my legs.
I gotta sleep with someone to make Olivia jealous.
There's a new thing the kids are doing called lying.
Why don't you just make something up? pics or it didn't happen.
I need a selfie with whoever I hook up with for my Facebook page.
And if it's not going to be Sophie, I guess it's going to be one of you two up at bat.
Slugger.
Slugger.
Max, I can't do this.
One of us will just have to take that apartment in Earl's building and you will find another place.
But then we'd have to live apart.
I know, but I don't see another choice.
I'm not ready to live without you.
I'm not ready to live without you.
What?
I saw the pump packer things.
Max, I can't believe you were almost willing to do that to live with me.
You know what?
I'm going in.
Because the thought of not seeing you 24 hours a day, seven days a week would kill me.
We'll meet every Saturday morning for coffee.
Less and less over time, of course.
That was a good start.
What else you got?
Nothing!
I'm really liking this whole backdoor thing.
Wow, that's the first time I've ever said that.
Don't get used to it, Sophie.
You never do.
No, I mean, we're gonna have to leave this place.
We couldn't do it with Lester.
I know.
That's why I'm here. to do this for us.
If you two didn't live in this building, then we'd drift apart and we'd only see each other on Saturdays for coffee.
Well, I'd probably only go once.
Look, just give me 90 seconds.
I mean, he's got a pump.
How hard could it be?
She's amazing.
We should probably get her something for this.
What would be appropriate?
That good candle under the sink?
We've only used it once.
That seems right.
I don't know what that was, but I'm not up to it.
I don't think my heart could take it.
Afraid sex with Sophie would kill you?
Yeah, that's why I haven't gone there.
You know, I was all excited about all the other fish in the sea.
That was a great white shark.
Hey, come on.
I just stretched.
I'm ready.
Look, could we get a quick pic?
I might have gone there, too, if I knew he had an iPhone 5S.
Try to be as sexy as possible.
Oh, OK.
Yeah.
When Olivia sees that, she's going to say, Morty who?
Girls, enjoy your apartment.
I had some lovely times here.
Thank you so much, Lester.
Bye, Grandpa.
Maybe sometime we can come visit you in the home.
Email me.
We'll talk.
That still in play at his age?
And thanks for the blue balls, Lester.
Nighty-night, girls.
Hey, Max.
It's chilly outside.
Nipples everywhere.
Have a seat.
I'll be right over.
Oh, that's okay.
I texted my order in on the way.
Hey, baby.
I got your text.
Did you get my erotic haiku?
I did.
Did you get the picture I sent of me and the Dustbuster?
No, I didn't.
Oh, no, Grandpa, you're gay.
Look, Earl framed our blurb.
He did?
That is so sweet.
What?
I always saw it as bigger on the wall in our shop.
Look, the shop is an amazing idea, and if it's not that space right now, it'll be another.
I mean, there have to be mass murders all over Brooklyn, right?
If we're lucky.
And even if it didn't work out, it's still the closest I've ever come to something great, and that's cool.
And someday we'll find someone crazy enough to lend us money.
I say that because if you can convince me to believe a dream, you can get anyone.
Pick up.
Here you go, Sophie.
That's $11.25.
Oh, you took a check, right?
This is for $20,000.
Oh, is it?
I thought it was for $20,000.
Oh, well, keep it.
Maybe you could use it for your dream or to get your legs waxed or something.
Sophie, are you serious?
Yes.
Sophie, this is really, really amazing.
Oh, come on.
I don't need a parade.
Just keep the cupcakes coming.
Max, do you know what this means?
We are going to be a Williamsburg must-have.
We're getting our dream.
I feel like you want a hug.
I do.
Max, there's no way you could be sleeping through Oleg and Sophie!
Does that actually work?
It does, with a little help from this.
Give me.
I was hoping that'd be fruitier.
I mean, they're here, they're there, then they're here again.
It's like we're a village under a tap.
Yep, just a matter of time till someone sends in a drone.
And it's not just that moaning.
I think I heard a big ball rolling around up there.
If a ball is rolling around up there, Oleg should stop and see a doctor.
This couldn't be any more intrusive.
Sorry about that.
A bowling ball?
And why do they need a bowling ball?
Maybe they ran out of holes.
Have you guys seen a ball?
I think it's pretty neighborly of us to return someone's sex bowling ball.
You know we have to bury those mitts now.
And we have to tell them to stop whatever it is they're doing up here.
Probably a 7-10 split.
And now they're not making noise.
It's like when you go to the zoo and the lion goes inside.
It's Max and Caroline, your ball came into our yard again.
Yeah, it's not a good time.
We're role-playing and obviously I'm Beyonce.
Uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh, uh-oh.
Hey, Jay-Z, look at all the single ladies.
Oh, yeah, baby.
Jay-Z and I have a lot in common.
He bought the Brooklyn Nets.
I bought my hair nets in Brooklyn.
I'm not surprised that you're Jay-Z and Beyonce, but I am kind of surprised that they bowl.
Where should I put this?
Oh, well, I'll tell you what I told him.
Put it anywhere you want.
So that's basically our ball at this point.
And something is really wrong with me.
Don't freak out, I'm here for you.
Unless it's something I can catch.
Something weird happened.
I think I might have feelings for Deke.
Oh, God, no.
I mean, that is interesting.
Let's talk about that.
I don't know what to do.
We're bros and I don't want to ruin the friendship, which is really unlike me.
I always ruin friendships.
I've been trying to ruin ours since you moved in.
Well, what changed with Deke?
It was so weird.
He was wetting my bread and then my bread was wet, if you know what I'm saying.
Okay, thank you.
I'm finally off bread.
Look, I understand.
You can't always help who you're attracted to.
It's like with me and Nicholas.
This is not the same as you and Frenchie.
I wasn't attracted to Deke before today.
The first time you met Nicholas, your vagina fell on the floor and tried to crawl up his leg.
Yes, but I scooped it up and snapped it back on.
Because I was not born to have sex with a married man.
If I was, I would have flirted with Matt Lauer when he came over for the Christmas tree lighting at my house.
Matt Lauer?
That guy's got game.
No hair, but game.
Oh, I passed that kidney stone.
Yeah, I think the skiing loosened it.
I felt like I was birthing a baby through my eye hole.
Did you save the stone?
Because only three more and you can make me that necklace.
Max, don't change the subject.
What are you gonna do about Dee?
Oh, wait.
Well, I love giving advice.
I had my own advice column in Poland.
It was called, Don't Do That.
Sophie, have you ever had sex with a friend?
Oh, no.
Are you two gonna do it?
No, that is not what you... Oh, don't do that.
No, it will ruin your relationship in my opinion of Max.
What about your opinion of me?
Oh, it's already pretty low.
What am I gonna do about Deke?
He's coming over to study tonight.
Oh, God, I sound like such a girl from the 50s.
I'm gonna go cry into my princess phone.
Hey, I wasn't sure if it was too late to come by, but the Ouija board said go ahead.
The girls are up.
You use that?
The only spirit I listen to is 2 Buck Chuck, and he mostly tells me to take my top off.
The uh Ouija helps me make all my big decisions, like coming to America adopting a Chinese orphan and leaving a Chinese orphan at the fire station.
Those boards are creepy.
You never know what you're inviting in.
I mean, what if we open a Hellmouth?
Oh, come on, girls.
Look around.
I mean, you already have.
OK.
Now, shh.
OK.
Ouija.
Should I take Oleg back?
Yes?
Oh, now see, that is creepy, because I was shoving it to no.
Do you want to get back with him?
Well, I'm torn.
And also, I don't know what to do.
OK, one more time.
Ouija, should I be with Oleg?
15 out of 15 yeses.
It's still unclear.
Sophie, this is silly.
You know you two want to get back together.
Caroline, we already have the Ouija board.
We don't need another thing around here that's flat and wrong all the time.
Fine sophie, if it's not me, after all i've offered you go ask the spirits who the man you are supposed to be with is.
Wager, please spell out the name of the man that i'm supposed to be with.
Oh look, it's moving V-A-N.
This is what the world was like before the internet.
K-O.
Vanco.
Vanco, yeah, that sounds cute.
Oleg, I'm sorry, Oleg.
The spirits have spoken.
I'm supposed to be with someone named Vanko.
And they know the best.
So you're supposed to be with someone named Vanko?
Vanko Oleg Golochewski.
I go by my middle name because there were seven other Vankos in my family.
But I didn't even know that.
Yeah, that means the widget.
Oh.
Huh?
Oh.
Yeah.
Oh, no.
No, Franco.
No.
I know.
I know.
We can... You and I can get back together, okay?
But I... I just can't be here right now.
No, I mean, it's too damn spooky.
Ah!
I can't wait to tell my brothers Venko and Venko about this.
Hey, everybody!
Huh?
Great news!
I just got carded at Buffalo Wild Wings.
Really?
I got carded out of there once.
More great news.
I'm starting my own new business.
So, girls, you know how you have that $10,000?
Well, I don't want to clean you out, but how do you feel about tossing me $9,500?
You two should invest.
Sophie's business is genius.
You know how a bunch of ladies got their down-there hair permanently lasered off?
Yeah, that's when your waxer gives you a Michael checklist.
Well, Sophie's offering a product that puts grass back on your field.
That's not a business.
That's nobody's business.
Yeah, I don't do any of that stuff.
I just throw a scrunchie on mine and go.
Hey, there's a need for this.
Sometimes in the fog, my plane gets lost without a landing strip.
We're out.
Don't decide yet, girls.
You haven't even heard the cute little name.
Sophie Kaczynski's Vagina Wigs.
Yeah, we're really out.
It's a quality product.
And it's real hair imported from vagina.
Yeah, never been further out.
I just got my first shipment of wigs.
Sylvie, why are you walking like that?
Well, I'm not just the president.
I'm also a client.
Sophie, I think you dropped something, unless we have those giant Persian roaches again.
Even a milky version of that was too much.
Oh, hey, girls.
Do you mind if I hang down here with you for a while?
Oleg is up there.
He's trying to seduce me by cleaning the apartment, and it's, oh, oh, so dirty.
Oh, oh, he's vacuuming now, which means he's naked.
Oh, for me and my Polish values.
Polish values?
That's the name of my favorite dollar store in Brooklyn.
Hey.
He's deep cleaning the shag.
Oh, my gosh.
Somebody do something to make me not want sex.
All right, Nash, why don't you show us your runway walk?
That was it?
Oh, I thought you were going to pick up a pen.
Oh, thanks.
Perfect.
Now I'm completely turned off.
Watching that potato walk across the room really did the trick.
Nash, concentrate.
Follow my lead.
Bam, pow, bam, pow, and step, and bam, and step, and pow, and step, and bam.
Oh, even better, honey.
After that, they could film the sequel to Frozen on my lady parts.
Yeah, me too.
But just because I let it go down there. he's using the wand attachment.
Oh, and he's getting real deep between the cushions.
Oh, my God.
Just screw it.
I'm never going to make it to the wedding.
Oh, Grandma Kuchinsky, please forgive me for what I'm about to do.
Oh, you're no good.
I've got a lot on my mind.
I'm trying to design our future baby.
See, girls, I read this article that says you can spin sperm to get rid of the bad stuff.
So Oleg's not gonna be the father?
It's true.
There's a new technology where you can select the baby's genes.
I miss selecting genes.
Now I just reach into the $3 bin and hope for the best.
I'm gonna spin that jazz till I get a girl baby with green eyes and Jennifer Aniston's second nose and and my butt.
Why can't we get pregnant the natural way?
Up against the fence.
I feel like we're finally getting close to something I can work with.
You know, it really started to flow once I threw away the Anne Hathaway forehead.
That is the scariest thing I've ever seen.
Oh, well, good thing you didn't see it with the Hathaway forehead.
I love baby number two, but I don't know.
Oleg still wants to be surprised.
Why don't you give us all a nice surprise and brush his teeth while he's sleeping?
Right?
All right, here.
Max, Olly can't go to the game.
Our baby appointment got changed till tomorrow.
And we got to get working on the baby body.
Oh, you know what?
That reminds me.
Max, do you have a picture of your boobs?
Oh, you know what?
I got it from Oleg.
Here comes the contestant picker.
Act like you're a stay-at-home mom from the Midwest.
That's the Price is Right sweet spot.
How's this?
Oh, God.
Those little bastards are just running me ragged.
Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!
Pick me!
We've got a lot of 12-year-old boys playing sick at home.
How long can you ladies jump up and down for?
20 minutes.
Step out of line.
What is that costume?
Oh, this is home bedazzled, don't you know?
Step out alone.
I'm just glad to be out of the house.
Wait here, you're both in the mix back just being excited to meet drew carey.
He knows when you're faking it.
Oh, my bob never knows when i'm faking it.
Keep it up.
I like your pepper, Max.
I've been looking all over for you.
What are you doing here?
This isn't a scene in the movie.
I know, because I'm in it.
Max, there would be no movie without you.
There would also be no armed guards at Hometown Buffet.
What's your point?
I would have been here sooner, but I just got back from Vegas with Bob.
He lost $50,000 in somehow Faye Dunaway's Oscar.
Bob and I talked a lot about friendship on the helicopter.
You know, right after I jump-started his heart with the EpiPen.
And you and I are not going to be Winona Ryder and Gwyneth Paltrow.
Or Sophie and Gwyneth Paltrow.
That bitch.
I was gonna name my firstborn Apple, and she took it.
Now I have to settle for Fritter.
I am not gonna sell out our friendship for Hollywood.
Max, you're in the movie and you're coming with me to the meeting to tell them that.
But I'm in the mix.
They actually want me here.
But I want you there.
I'm the stupid you should be with.
All right, screw it.
So if I'm gonna go with her, why stop making bad decisions now?
All right, but I'm gonna have to make another friend in line.
Hi, I'm Barb.
Oh, gosh, carpool and fluffernutter.
Yeah.
Because soccer.
Does anyone know how to shut off the fire alarm in the elevator?
Because this sage is really popping off.
Hey, puff puff pass.
Oh, you don't smoke it.
No, it cleans your aura or some crap like that.
Well, that sounds spiritual.
You know, my healer says the reason that I haven't been able to get pregnant is that my aura is filthier than my gynecologist's Instagram.
But I did get a lot of likes.
Sophie, I'm getting secondhand hippie.
Sophie, I have got to get this out of here or Jennifer Lawrence will think this is my vibe.
I'm going for Grace Kelly, not Woody Harrelson.
Well, that's a mistake.
You know what?
My healer, Audra, gave me a whole list of things that I need to do in order to get pregnant.
Is one of them have sex the front way?
Yeah, also, eat apples, meditate, cut down on cigars.
She also said that I have to practice loving kindness with everyone, even the people who trigger my negativity.
Yeah, but you know what?
I'm as sweet as the sugar substitute that gave half my family cancer.
You're maybe not always sweet as sugar substitute to everyone.
I'm not?
Well, here comes this idiot.
You know what?
I'm gonna be real nice to you so that I can have a baby.
So I don't care what kind of crap comes out of your stupid pie holes.
Oh, my God, I'm a monster!
What do you think?
Because we're already signed up and it's nonrefundable.
I took your share out of your piggy bong.
You stole from Cheech and Change?
OK, you can say you hate the idea, but you don't have to cry about it.
Man, this baby more full of crap than a Coldplay album.
Fine, I'll change your diaper.
But when you grow up, you're going to have to return the favor.
The diaper goes the other way!
Earl, did that doll just talk or are the voices telling me to kill again?
No, no, it's been yelling at me all day.
Between this and the police chatter I pick up on my hearing aid, it's like a damn party in my head.
Roger that.
Can this doll get any creepier?
Takes one to know one, Caroline.
Asked and answered.
Hey.
Can't a lady have a smoke and a tinkle without having to worry about her baby?
You're watching us from the toilet?
Can't you just hold your nose and hover like everyone else?
That's my surveillance doll.
Look.
It's hooked up to an app in my phone.
Look, she's got cameras in her eyeballs.
She's got a microphone in her mouth.
And look, a laser pointer in her butt.
Is that the American Girl doll Patriot Act edition?
Isn't she cute?
Look, she's like my twin, only more alive.
Thank you for keeping your eye on Barbara.
Well, thanks so much.
I'd pay you, but I know you're too proud to take the money.
Oh, actually, the medical bills are piling up, Sophie, and I can really use...
