Listen, nobody wants to talk about this.
Okay, I don't want to talk about this. I'm here.
I'm talking about it, but I don't want to talk about it because it's mortifying.
It's embarrassing. This is a behavior that we all participate in privately.
There are very few behaviors that are more private. than this one.
Maybe we discuss this with our closest friends?
But this is a very private behavior. I'd argue it's almost as private as masturbation.
There's something so deeply personal and private about this. that I'm absolutely terrified to discuss it today.
But you know what? We're doing it. social media stalking.
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Things people love. I'm not talking about actual stalking.
I'm not talking about showing up at someone's house and watching them through the window.
I'm not talking about hacking into their social media accounts using some sort of hacking tactic.
I'm not talking about being weird. I'm talking about the social media stalking that we all participate in.
I saw it called social media lurking online.
And I feel like that's a better term for it because...
Most of us are not stalking. We're not actually stalking.
We're lurking. We're just looking. We're just looking.
I don't know if everyone does this. But I'd argue most people do this.
Most people who... are on social media participate in some form of social media stalking.
What is social media stalking? I mean, there are varying degrees of social media stalking I would say the beginner level is...
Just looking through somebody's social media page.
Just looking through. Just scrolling through.
Nothing too crazy. That's like lightweight.
Then you have intermediate. I would say intermediate is looking through somebody's page frequently.
Maybe watching their Instagram stories using TikTok. a Finsta, a fake account, so they can't see that it's you watching it.
They just see a random... account watching it.
You keep up with them regularly and you're not in each other's lives super closely.
So it's sort of unusual. You know, you're kind of being sneaky about keeping up with them Because you don't know them in a way that would make it appropriate for you to be on their social media page. lurking so I think that that takes it to intermediate when Maybe you need to start using a fake Instagram to stalk.
And maybe you're visiting their page. a little bit too often.
I would say extreme level is all the things I mentioned prior.
But now you're looking at who follows them.
And you're looking through who they follow.
And then you're stalking who they follow.
And then... You're looking through their tagged photos.
And then... Maybe you're starting to follow their friends on Instagram. a fake account so that you can see what they're up to.
Like that's extreme level. So there's beginner, intermediate, advanced slash extreme.
I... I rarely go the extreme route. I would say I normally fall somewhere between... beginner and intermediate.
I have participated in extreme. Can't even... I have!
I have. If I didn't know a lot of people who also have gone to advanced stalking, advanced lurking.
I would not admit this publicly. But it's such a common thing. at least within the people I know, that I feel okay with admitting it.
But it's something that no one wants to talk about.
Because it's so fucking mortifying. So let's discuss who we stalk.
Myself... and maybe even you, who are the common people to stalk on social media?
I would say number one, people that we're jealous of or competitive with.
I know it makes me feel like shit to stalk someone who I think is is doing better in their lives than me.
I know that. But there's something about the flame. that ignites in my body when I'm jealous or competitive that just makes me feel want to keep up with what they're doing.
Like I want to see what they're doing. And I think the reason why I do that is because I'm like, Number one, somewhere inside I'm inspired by them.
So I kind of want to do what they're doing in a way.
I also want to compare myself to them to see how I'm stacking up. you know, I'm jealous of or competitive with this person, so I want to know... how I compare on a consistent basis.
Like they're a barometer for me. It's almost like I'm constantly testing my own life compared to theirs.
Like, okay, how am I doing? In comparison to them.
Am I doing way worse than them? 10 times worse than them?
Or am I only doing two times worse than them?
You know what I'm saying? This is so toxic.
But this is the human condition in the age of technology, okay?
I also think that we stalk people that we're jealous of or competitive with because...
We want to find a flaw in them. We want to catch them slipping a little bit because it makes us feel good.
You know, most of the time when we stalk somebody that we're jealous of or competitive with, we're going to find something unfortunate because people put... their best moments on social media.
So it's very rare that we're going to see something That makes us feel good about ourselves.
Because... They're providing us with the highlight reel and that's what we're using to base their lives off of.
We're comparing ourselves to that highlight reel, so it's definitely not... promising for our well-being, but there's always a little chance. that we might find something that makes us feel good about ourselves.
We might catch them slipping up a little bit.
Maybe they don't look good in the last photo that they posted.
Maybe their outfit was... Not chic. Maybe they started dating...
Someone new and they kind of seem lame. Like we're looking for something that works. will boost us up.
You know what I mean? I think competitiveness brings out a level of infatuation.
I think jealousy brings out a level of infatuation.
Because they deeply affect us. people that we're jealous of or competitive with.
They take up a decent amount of space in our brain.
And I think that that inspires us to stalk them on social media, unfortunately.
Okay, we also stalk our exes. I mean, come on, this is like the most obvious.
Everyone stalks their exes. Not everyone, but a lot of you.
It's so hard not to. You have to. You have to.
You have to. I'm sorry. I'm sorry. I don't think I don't think that you can be a human and not do this.
Thanks for watching! Like, I still stalk my first boyfriend sometimes.
Like, what? Sorry. Sorry. I'm curious. I have to know.
Being in a romantic relationship is deeply... deeply impactful on your life, whether it's Net positive, net negative, net neutral, doesn't matter. no matter what type of relationship you were in, if it was a romantic one, it... probably impacted you in a huge way.
The feelings that you felt towards that person were so electric and so strong.
Otherwise, you wouldn't have been with him, probably.
And those feelings don't just go away. You're still always going to feel some type of way about it. your exes.
And a lot of times you still have feelings for them.
Not always. Sometimes I check up on an ex that I don't have feelings for anymore just because I'm curious. what are they up to are they dating someone new do they seem sad are they sad because they miss me that always feels good, right?
Are they thriving in their career? Are they not thriving in their Do they look good?
Do they look bad? I think ultimately what we're looking for is the reassurance that we're better without them. and that they're worse off without us.
I think that that's ultimately what we're looking for.
Not all the time, though, because now that I'm thinking about it more, like when I'm stalking an ex...
It's sometimes just rooted in curiosity.
I mean, I've had moments where it's been rooted in anger and resentment and I've wanted them to not be slaying You know what I mean?
Which is so fucked up and immature, but We're being honest today, right?
We're being honest. So I've had those moments, right?
Breakups are so weird because... you're literally so bonded together one day and then your stranger's the next.
Okay, look at me writing Pinterest quotes.
One day, you're lovers. The next day, your strangers again.
I definitely have seen that on Pinterest before.
But it's so weird to just cut things off with somebody. that you were so close with.
And I feel like that tends to happen with relationships even more than friendships.
I don't know. Relationships tend to go much deeper and they tend to require a much sharper cutoff than friendships.
And so I feel like that's why we're so much more intrigued by what our exes are doing because one day they just weren't in our lives anymore and it's impossible not to be curious about what their lives look like now.
You know, what does it look like without me?
What? What are you doing, you silly boy?
I also think that there are times that we stalk our exes to feel close to them if we miss them, you know?
See if there's a chance that we could get back together in some way.
Like, I think that at times we can stalk for that reason.
You know, we're trying to put the pieces together to figure out, okay, wait, could we get back together one day?
I don't know. We also stalk our ex-friends.
Now, this is a much less... extreme version of what we do.
I feel like with our exes, you know, I'd say a lot of times we're stalking our ex-friends.
Out of pure curiosity and... maybe at times, jealousy or competitiveness.
I feel like I tend to stalk old friends out of curiosity.
It's not that hard, at least for me, to forgive friends who have maybe wronged me That's much easier than forgiving an ex for some reason.
Actually, not for some reason. It's very clear why.
Because that's a much deeper relationship.
But... I don't know. I don't personally... stock ex-friends from a place of anger, resentment, jealousy, competitiveness, it tends to just be pure curiosity, like what the hell are they doing?
How are they doing? et cetera. But I can see how for some it can mirror, uh, stalking an ex-partner much more.
It just depends on... how your friendship ended and how much you value your friendships, how you value your friendships.
Not even necessarily how much, but how you value them.
You know, I'm much more flexible with my friendships.
Like... I'm much more open to people coming and going.
As we both make sense in each other's lives, you know.
And I've been sad when friendships have ended, but...
I don't know it's just always been easier for me to move past I would say then. romantic relationships.
And then last but not least, we stalk people that we have crushes on.
You want to feel in the loop on what your crush is up to because you want to see like, okay, wait, are they available for me?
Okay, wait, what are they doing? I mean, seeing what your crush is doing is obviously amusing because...
When you have a crush on somebody, you want to see them do actually anything.
You don't care. So I feel like that's mainly who we stalk, right?
When we're on social media. Now listen, there are some exceptions.
I don't know who the exception would be But those are the types of people that came to mind for me.
But there's a clear theme. We tend to stalk people on social media who bring out negative emotions.
Jealousy, resentment, anger. You know, sometimes longing, sadness...
I mean, even with your crush, sometimes that can bring out feelings of anxiousness anticipation.
I feel like social media stalking is almost always rooted in some sort of negative emotion.
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Why do we do this? I Googled it. I didn't find a lot.
Now, maybe I should have dug a little deeper, but I didn't find...
A lot. So I had to sort of piece things together.
To try to figure out why we love stalking on social media so much.
Like why are we so addicted to it? Here's what I found.
All up for debate, as always. We're looking for a boost of confidence.
Stalking somebody that we dislike... can be an easy way to get a confidence boost if the person that we dislike... is believed by us to be a generally worse person than us.
Like we might become obsessed with stalking somebody that we really don't like and don't think is cool. because every time we go on their page, we know we're gonna feel better about ourselves.
I'll give an example. Let's say we stopped being friends with somebody.
And you don't really respect them. Now, this is so sad and dark.
So I'm so sorry. Let's say you don't like them.
You don't respect them. You don't think that they're cool.
You kind of think that they're lame. That's why you stop being friends.
You can go and stalk them and then compare your life to theirs.
And... almost always come out of that with a little confidence boost.
I think that's one reason why we stock, because we're looking for an easy boost of confidence.
But I also think that at times we're looking for a more rare boost of confidence.
Stalking somebody that we dislike can be more challenging, yet far more rewarding than When the person that we dislike is believed by us to be... a generally better person than us.
And as I sort of mentioned earlier, a lot of times we're going to go on their page and we're going to find them slaying and we're gonna feel like shit about ourselves.
But every once in a while when we see that, little slip up, that little cringe moment, we're going to feel pretty good.
So I think one reason why we stalk is...
For our confidence. we're looking for a cheap boost in our confidence.
And we're not always gonna find it, but we might look for it.
I think we also stalk on social media to compare ourselves.
Thanks to wp.nyu.edu. Comparisons are a normal part of human cognition and can be good. for the self-improvement process.
When we compare ourselves to others, we get information about what we want and where we want to be, and we get valuable feedback on how we measure up.
We compare ourselves to see, okay, wait, how the fuck are we doing?
You know what I mean? How are we doing? Are we keeping up with the cool kids?
What's happening? I do think it's important to compare to an extent.
You know what I mean? We have to look around and see what everyone else is doing.
And, use that as inspiration for, to do even better in our lives.
I think that that can be a positive thing. can very quickly become a negative thing though, that's for sure.
And I think usually when it comes to social media stalking, it's the negative type of comparison where it's, We're comparing in an unrealistic environment.
In my opinion, healthy comparison doesn't need to be sought out.
It's presented to you in your life. You know, it's in the people that are around you on a day to day basis.
You don't need to find somebody online to compare yourself to.
I understand it's hard not to compare yourself to people that are online though. because I do it all the time.
But I think even on social media, it's like...
If you follow people who inspire you, who are good people and you compare yourself to them, that could fall into the positive category. as long as it's not becoming toxic for you in the sense that it's making you actually feel unmotivated and depressed because you feel like you'll never live up and that's when it's bad.
But there's an endless list of people that you can compare yourself to online.
And that's why I think it's so tempting.
And it's easy to get fixated on one person. and start checking up on what they're doing all the time, causing some stalking, you know?
I also think that stalking is a distraction.
I think... Some of us can use it as sort of an escape, which is so funny because.
I would argue that nine out of 10 times stalking people on social media is leaves us feeling bad.
You know, we end up seeing things we didn't want to see We end up comparing ourselves more than we should be in an unrealistic environment, you know?
Online is unrealistic. We end up worse off nine out of 10 times.
I would say, The only time I stalk somebody on social media and I leave feeling good is probably when I'm stalking a crush, when I have a crush.
Because I'm like, oh, so cute. Obsessed.
Love them. Love him. Oh, so cute. Who's cute.
You know what I mean? Oh, that's great. You know what I'm saying?
But even then sometimes I end up leaving stalking a crush being like...
This is so frustrating. Like will I ever even, like will this ever happen?
With us or no? And that can actually be kind of depressing too.
And it'd be easier if I hadn't stalked them. because then I wouldn't be thinking about them as much, and I would just be living my life.
So anyway, back to what I was saying. I think it's funny that we...
Use social media stalking as a distraction because usually we're distracting from negative feelings, negative emotions.
But going and stalking on social media actually also creates negative feelings and negative emotions.
But I guess... It just creates new ones, different ones.
So whatever. I know when I'm going down a rabbit hole on Instagram and I'm doing my little research or whatever about whoever.
I am in another world. I'm transported to another dimension truly.
Truly. And I've been really bad about... my social media usage recently and I've been really getting sucked in to rabbit holes and And I swear, two hours goes by and I'm like, what?
What just happened? Because I'm so distracted.
I'm so in it. You know what I mean? And last but not least, kind of going off the last one, emotional attachment.
I think this one mainly applies to like an ex significant other, you know, ex partner.
It's normal to miss an ex, to want to get back together with an ex.
It's normal. And so a lot of times the emotional attachment that you have to a person is doesn't disappear when the relationship ends.
You still feel emotionally attached to them.
And them completely being out of your sight is unnerving to you because you're attached to them.
So seeing them, knowing what they're doing, feeling connected to them through social media makes you feel close to them again.
And... I also think emotional attachment can... inspire you to stop to try to figure out the likelihood of you getting back together.
Like, are they dating somebody new? Are they following their ex-girlfriend again on social media?
Like, you know what I mean? Are they... posting weird things on their Instagram story that allude to them having a new Significant other, you're looking for that.
You're looking for signs because you're still emotionally attached to them.
And that feeling is so vivid and so strong and so... consuming that you'll do anything in your power to tend to those feelings.
And stalking on social media might be the way to do it.
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Now here's the thing, okay? It makes sense why we do this. right?
It seems to be very human, but why do so many of us do it? when it so clearly makes us miserable. out of 10 times when we stalk, I swear we end up feeling worse at the end of it.
Even if it started as cute and innocent, like, oh, I want to see what...
They're up to, it almost always ends in some sort of negative feeling.
When I really think about it, internet stalking always ends with pain.
You might get a brief... surge of rewarding chemicals in your brain, you might get a brief boost of confidence and That's at best.
At worst, you might find out that your ex is dating someone somebody new and really hot.
Ouch, that hurts. Or you might find out that you're Ex-best friend is on a vacation with their new best friends. and they're having a lot of fun and you kind of feel jealous and left out.
Or you might find out that the person that you feel competitive with or jealous of is fucking slaying. is slaying.
And that sucks, you know? It always ends bad.
So why do we all continue to do it? I did a little bit of research about why humans seek out pain because they I've noticed that humans do do that, myself included.
I seek out pain for sure sometimes. I exercise in ways that are painful and brutal.
I enjoy scary movies sometimes. Um, I'll look at photos that make me nostalgic and sad on purpose.
Like, why do I do that? Why do we do that?
According to the American Psychology Association, There seems to be three main reasons why we seek out pain.
Number one, we put ourselves in a difficult situation and then we cope with it.
And that makes us feel satisfied. I think that this sometimes applies to social media stalking.
I think sometimes we go into it expecting to see something that we don't want to see.
And when we end up seeing the thing that we didn't want to see, we're forced... to deal with it and accept it.
And there can be something sort of satisfying about that, I guess, but I think we could go without it.
You know what I mean? Another reason why we seek out things that will hurt us is because we It's a distraction.
I said that earlier, but it was further proven now by science.
It is really distracting to feel pain. it takes over everything.
And so one pain can distract us from another pain, a worse pain.
If that makes sense. And last but not least, we seek out pain because of how good it makes us feel when we stop.
I don't know if that applies with social media stalking. that applies to a lot of things I think that applies to exercise you know maybe stretching you know maybe going out and being social when we're not in the mood or retired.
I don't know. Does it work in that situation?
I don't know. But I think the first two apply more.
In my opinion, I think the reason why we continue to stalk on social media is even though it makes us feel like shit, is because we lack self-control.
We crave the excitement, the control, the potential confidence boost. the feeling of scratching an itch that we get from seeing what these people are doing on a consistent basis.
And we don't want to stop. We don't have self-control.
We know deep down that The pain is yet to come.
Like, yeah, we might get some sort of satisfaction short term, but long term, we know it's going to make us feel like shit.
But we're looking for that short hit of amusement. excitement, confidence, whatever it may be.
Because you know what's funny? Even when you go into social media stalking looking for a confidence boost and you get it, you'll still end up feeling like shit long-term because it doesn't feel good. to get a confidence boost through other people not doing well.
That actually is not where your confidence boost should come from.
Not only does that make you feel bad about yourself at times because you're like, My God, like I'm such a bad person.
Like I am comparing myself to other people and like shitting on other people.
And that's how I. Feel good about myself.
Like, that's such a bummer. But also, it's not a consistent... stream of confidence.
It's fleeting fast. If that's where your source of confidence is coming from, it will be gone just as quick as you got it.
So you'll end up in the same place or even in a worse place than you were before.
I also think that we don't stop, even though we know we should.
Because it's a part of our routine. Like, I go on social media and...
I go through my explore page and my explore page knows what I'm interested in and gives me content from people that I stalk.
And so you know what that does? That further pushes me to stock more.
But also we're so on our phones that we almost have a subconscious routine that we participate in.
It's not completely subconscious, but it borders on subconscious because...
The way I use social media is so automatic.
It's so automatic. I don't even think about it.
I'm just doing it. And I think it can become a part of our routine's to use social media in a negative way.
You know what I mean? So I think it's safe to say that this is a bad habit, okay?
Stalking on social media is a bad habit.
We should... try to the best of our ability not to do it because I'd argue it always ends bad.
So how do we stop doing it? I mean... I think the first way is to unfollow them, to mute them. to maybe even block them.
If you don't follow each other and you're still stalking them, And they won't notice if you block them.
You should block them because then you can't look them up.
Nope, out of sight, out of mind. I'd say that that's the most obvious way to stop.
It's very helpful. It's very effective, but it's also sort of unrealistic.
You can't go and block someone if they're going to see that you blocked them.
I think blocking like, I don't know, let's say you're dating somebody new and you keep stalking their ex-girlfriend.
And the ex-girlfriend doesn't even know who you are.
Whatever. Maybe you blocked that ex-girlfriend.
They're never going to notice, right? Just so that you can't even look them up.
Let's say you still follow somebody that you stalk incessantly, always checking in.
Maybe it's time to mute them. You don't have to unfollow them.
They don't have to unfollow you. Maybe it's just a mute.
But it's trying to get them out of your sight as much as you possibly can.
I think more effective than that is to notice when you're starting to stalk.
And to figure out how you pivot. So maybe you have an issue with stalking this one person that you're jealous of on Instagram.
You just can't stop. Or maybe you're just scrolling through your explore page trying to find people to stalk that could potentially make you jealous or competitive.
I think just having a plan on how to pivot can be so helpful.
I do this all the time with bad habits, okay?
Especially ones that are somewhat subconscious.
Like when I... find myself falling into a bad habit, I figure out, okay, what do I pivot to?
Like for example, When I am stalking on social media and it's starting to get toxic, right?
My pivot is I'll go on Pinterest because Pinterest for me is very positive.
I go on Pinterest and And I find inspiring images and I save them in my little boards and it inspires me.
You know, it inspires me. with home decor and fashion and hairstyles and makeup and all these things that I love.
And it's positive, right? I don't ever go on Pinterest to compare myself to people.
Like... I go on there to be inspired, right?
So now I know like, okay, when I'm using social media, Instagram specifically in a negative way.
Okay, I'm just going to pivot to Pinterest.
No biggie. Don't worry. No problem. No problem.
No sweat off my back. Just pivoting over to Pinterest.
And that's helped me a lot. I also think it helps to distract yourself in the real world.
Like, If you find yourself in a period of life where you have a lot of time to be on social media, stocking, stocking it up, Find more shit to do in the day.
Now, don't be offended by that because...
There are periods of my life where I just have downtime, you know? especially during the winter time when it's cold out and I can't just go to the beach when I'm bored, you know, It's especially hard during the colder seasons.
Because we're just kind of inside a lot more.
It's so important to keep yourself busy.
Keep yourself busy in the real world And last but not least, try to find more fulfilling ways to use social media.
Social media is a huge part of our lives.
We're not getting out of that. This is the world that we live in.
But there are ways to make it positive. You can follow a bunch of inspiring accounts and just use social media for that.
Curate your social media experience so that you're only seeing stuff on your feed that makes you feel good Can you still go in stock?
Of course. But I think a combination of all four of those things can be really helpful.
At the end of the day, we're human. We're still going to stalk people on social media.
I don't know if I'm ever going to fully not do it.
Like, it's just so... I'm curious about so many people and I'm like...
And I mean, sometimes I'm jealous of people.
Sometimes I'm competitive with people. I want to see what they're doing.
Like, it's tough. It's tough and it's so ingrained in our social media routine, how we use social media.
But I know for me recently, it's been bad.
Like, I've been doing it a lot. Like... Just like stalking everyone.
Like why? I can't stop. Like I'm obsessed.
I like can't... No, I'm not obsessed. Okay, excuse me.
I'm not obsessed. But... You know, it's starting to get cold outside and I'm spending a lot more time indoors and And unfortunately, that means a lot more time on my phone.
And I've just been doing deep dives on just about everyone.
From like a little crush to somebody I'm deeply competitive with.
Like it doesn't matter. Like it's everyone.
It's brutal. But guess what? I'm gonna stop. no i'm not i'm not but i'm really gonna try to my best to stop i'm gonna stop as much as i can Because I do think it's starting to make me depressed.
So... That's social media stalking, okay?
We all do it. Don't even, listen, okay, if you don't do it, Good for you.
Congratulations. Okay. There's some of us out there that are not as strong as you.
Anyway. all I have to say today. Thank you all so much for listening and hanging out.
Hope you enjoyed it. Hope that it resonated with you in one way or another.
And if you did enjoy it, Give Anything Goes a little rating, a little five stars.
Never hurt anyone. You can follow Anything Goes on Instagram at Anything Goes if you want to keep up with the show.
You can stream new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday and every Sunday.
Stream anywhere you get podcasts. Watch video. exclusively on Spotify.
You can follow me on Instagram at Emma Chamberlain.
You can check out my coffee company, Chamberlain Coffee.
We have coffee. We have tea. We're in grocery stores too.
So if you want to find us in a store near you.
Go on the store locator or you can just order everything on ChamberlainCoffee.com.
And that's all I have to say. I just love and appreciate all of you and thank you so much for hanging out. with me.
And I had so much fun with you as always.
And I hope you had fun with me. And if you didn't, well, I'll probably hear about it.
So peace and love. And I can't wait to talk to you soon.
Love ya.