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Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Fan.
Now, these drop, that's what the kids say, on Wednesdays.
Thursdays.
What's that?
Thursdays.
Oh, I don't get out much.
Do you go out to get your podcast?
Is that what you do?
We're doing something a little different today.
Sometimes in this slot, I talk to a fan, but we had a different notion in mind.
In fact, I did.
Yeah, this is you.
This is me.
This comes from me.
You know I like to run a tight ship.
I like to make sure that, no, I'm serious.
I'm at the helm of a powerful company, an industry really, Team Coco.
And I am constantly looking for ways to improve the efficiency.
I'm kind of a Muskian, almost.
No.
Did I go the wrong way?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, I'll think of a better one.
In every term of Musk, you're not the Musk.
Okay, okay.
Okay, that was the wrong way to go.
I think of myself as sort of...
Santa Santa walking through the workshop, making sure that all of the elves are hard at work making the toys.
No.
No?
No closer.
This is the furthest thing from a tight ship I think I can think of.
Really?
If this was the North Pole and you were Santa, there would be no Christmas.
Right.
Have you ever seen Ghost Ship where everybody gets bisected by a metal cable?
That's kind of what this is.
I have not seen that movie.
And guess what?
Now I don't have to see it.
You just totally ruined the whole movie.
That's how the movie opens.
The movie opens with that?
It's the best opening of the movie ever.
I watch most movies thinking, I wonder if anyone gets bisected by a cable.
It's a whole party full of people that gets bisected.
And what happens?
The boat goes underneath the cable?
It's like no, it's some line on the ship that gets broken and then, like 50 people at a 1920s party just get severed in half and that becomes the ghost ship.
You know what?
This is proof that I don't run a tight ship.
Because I just let you bibble and babble on about ghost ship and you use the word bisect like nine times.
Do you think this is how Santa treats his elves?
I think these fucking elves should get their asses in gear.
I think he's a jolly man.
He seems nice to the elves.
You know what?
If I ran the North Pole, those toys would get out on time.
There wouldn't be any complaints.
Most kids would get coal, even the good kids.
And by the way, coal is worth more, you know, these days.
It's true.
It's true.
It's not.
What are you talking about?
Coal?
Yeah, coal.
Okay.
It's a source of petrol.
Anyhoots, I had a purpose in doing this, which is I've been irritated by something recently.
I've noticed that there's a flaw in our system, okay?
When we have guests on the show and we have some pretty big names come here, we do a very nice thing, which is we put out this basket of treats for them.
Lately I've been looking and there's a nice little sign on the basket of treats that says welcome, and then celebrity.
That's very thoughtful.
Yeah, it is very sweet.
If Will Ferrell's here, it's like, welcome, Will.
Whatever, it's a nice thing.
It's very friendly.
And it's all put together by Maddie Ogden, who's our talent coordinator.
And she does a great job of making sure that everyone's very well taken care of.
But lately, I've been just looking at the basket, and the basket is an abomination.
Yeah.
I mean, it's a crime.
It is packed with all this aggressively healthy eco snacks.
And I, first of all, I'm noticing not a lot of people are taking the baskets.
I don't think anybody takes the baskets.
And it used to be filled with really fun things like oh, a chocolate-covered pretzel, and here's some raisinets, and here's some this and that.
Lately.
I don't know what's going on, but I want to get Maddie Ogden in here if she's in the building.
Disagree.
I want to find out what's going on.
Do you have any exhibit A's?
Yeah, I have some exhibits here.
So let's get Maddie here.
Maddie, I hope.
Come on in, Maddie.
Maddie!
Maddie!
I just want to say Sona and I have your back at all times.
Yeah, we do.
We really do.
Well, a lot of good they'll do you because they don't carry the weight that I have.
Maddie, one of the things that I've noticed recently is that and I guess you choose these snacks is that it got aggressive.
It got real aggressive.
For example, I'm going to put on the old specs here.
Gimme roasted seaweed snacks.
Toasted sesame roasted to light crispy perfection.
So literally shit that washes up on the beach and dries, you're giving What's more.
There's two of them.
Yeah, there's two.
Oh, in case you finish one.
Different flavors.
No, no.
One is toasted sesame, the other's teriyaki.
Yeah.
Why don't you throw some barnacles in here while you're at it?
Werner Herzog loved those.
Oh, thank you.
So maybe you just don't have as classy of taste.
Okay.
Werner Herzog is also a pain artist.
Werner Herzog is someone who loves going into the South African jungle and like almost dying.
He's someone who loves... dying and death and madness.
He's a guy who's famously almost killed people he's worked with and has almost died himself making his movies.
So don't say Werner Herzog loves it.
That's like, oh, the Addams Family loves this.
Oh, my God.
They loved it.
Oh, Jesus.
Oh, here's more.
There's tempura seaweed snacks by Nora.
I don't even know.
And it's a weird shape.
It looks like a satanic shape.
Satanic?
Yeah.
Who's Nora?
This does not look good.
Okay.
This does not look good.
Oh, and there's something else.
There's one thing that isn't in here.
That was in here for a while, and I think you got scared and stopped because you noticed that I was complaining which is mushroom jerky.
I knew you were going to say that.
Why were you putting mushroom jerky?
I would, if you put a 44 Magnum to my skull, I would not take a bite of mushroom jerky.
And you were handing it to our guests?
And then you wonder why suddenly all the A-listers dropped out?
Where do you even get mushroom jerky?
At the snack aisle in Gelson's.
And I do have a story.
And that's when Bill Hader came back for the third time.
He picked up the mushroom jerky and he said, is this a prank?
Is this a prank?
Yes.
Well, I'm on Bill's side.
Bill's a valued guest.
Let's see what else we got here.
Island style.
Let's think like, oh, good.
I guess these are potato chips.
You can't make fun of those.
Yeah.
Rusty's chips.
They're island style.
That doesn't look like any potato chip I've ever seen in my life.
It looks good, though.
They're kind of saturated with oil or something.
No.
It says no trans fats, no saturated fat, no cholesterol.
Oh, and here it says no joy.
Oh.
Now joy free.
Good job, Rusty.
You took everyone's favorite unhealthy snack and turned it into something nobody wants.
We should be trying some of these.
I know you're not supposed to eat on podcasts.
I just I heard RFK Jr. said that joy was inflammatory.
So really, I'm just looking out for everyone.
OK, if you're going to work in your little political jabs, you know, I didn't realize.
Oh, here's some good crunchy giant Inca corn, and there's a picture of a female athlete climbing up the side of-.
Oh, I thought you were gonna say a female, something else.
Corn nuts?
No, they're not corn nuts.
It's crunchy giant Inca corn.
It looks like a vagina.
This looks like a vagina.
And in the ear.
I don't know.
I mean, I think people are health conscious.
No.
And they want healthy snacks.
No, no, no, no.
That's their choice.
This is our gift to them.
So if you gift somebody, what are you eating over there?
Just a skinny dipped dark chocolate peanut butter cup.
Oh, you found the one thing that was edible in there.
Oh, good.
Good.
Go crazy with banana.
Two grams of sugar.
All natural banana walnuts.
Sarah Silverman took those enthusiastically yesterday.
Do you realize she's homeless?
Sarah Silverman is homeless.
When we found her for the podcast, she was reaching into a garbage can to eat half a hot dog.
And I said, you want to come do the podcast?
And she said, is there anything there to eat?
I'll eat anything.
And I said, would you eat banana walnuts?
And she said, yeah, I guess so.
I'm so cold and so hungry.
So, I mean, this is a war crime, what's going on here.
GFB, Gluten Free Brothers.
Oh, I love the Gluten Free Brothers.
When I want to have a good time, I hang with the gluten-free.
Hey, are the gluten-free brothers in town?
Let's have a party.
Did something happen to you as a child?
Is this, are you angry about something?
What's going on?
Why would you do this to people?
It's just, you know, I have this boss and he's really critical.
That's true.
Do you think that you have the taste buds of like a young teenage boy, though, Conan?
I think you just want like, Would you guys admit anybody?
Does anybody see kind of what I'm saying?
Eduardo, would you like to speak up?
I'll just say I was convinced that maybe this was Maddie's tactic to keep us away from not touching the guests.
Yes!
Yes!
Right!
Yes!
Okay, so Eduardo is onto something there.
So the thing is, I love putting out the snack basket, okay?
Snacks are my love language.
And while I'm flattered, a lot of other people in the office began also enjoying the snack basket, which is fine.
But it got to the point where the guest would be two minutes away and there would be six opened containers in the basket.
And, you know, apart from Sarah Silverman, apparently, our guests are classy people.
I want a good presentation.
And so sometimes I would have to scramble.
And, you know, like, I don't like greeting the guests when I'm scrambled.
I prefer to not be sweaty.
Listen, listen, Maddie, Maddie, Maddie, I don't want you...
I don't want you at all to be on the, I don't want you to all be, at all be on the defensive.
Okay.
But if, but listen.
You just attacked her for 10 minutes straight.
I know, what?
I don't know why you're being so defensive.
By the way, let's continue with the Nuremberg trial.
Maddie, if snacks are your love language, you are filled with hate.
This is just awful what you're doing.
And yes, I agree with you that I understand your tactic that yes, would you.
You're just chomping away.
These are good.
I can't see them.
Thank you, Sona.
You just knocked both of the gluten-free brothers on the floor.
Yeah, I knocked out both gluten-free brothers with one mighty backhanded blow.
Oh my God.
Steve and Erwin.
Here, have some teriyaki chips.
Why don't you eat this highlighter while you're at it?
I hear it's free of electrolytes.
Maddie, here's the problem.
Yes, you have identified a real problem, which is that this little podcast studio that we run, this Team, Coco world, is just.
It's a ship filled with rats that need to be bisected.
By the way,
And it's sad.
It's sad that when you put out some snacks, all these well-paid employees hover around and jump on them and then just start gobbling them.
They're rodents.
Everyone who works here is a rodent.
They're good snacks.
That's why people want them.
But they're in a basket that says, this is for Woody Harrelson.
And then when you see a basket that says food for Woody Harrelson or welcome Harrison Ford, a well-educated nice, well-bred person, doesn't jump on it and start snarfing it down, especially when an icon's coming up the stairs.
Also, we have a whole cabinet full of other snacks.
Yes.
There's no mushroom jerky in there.
And I've been looking.
Do you realize mushroom jerky isn't even manufactured?
It's a byproduct of other food that went bad.
It's other food that went bad and turned into mushroom jerky.
And then they just put a package around that.
That's what mushroom jerky is.
I'm going to tell you this right now.
This has got to stop.
We've got to stop.
And I have your back.
If...
These rodents, these rats are getting into the snacks.
See, what you're doing is oh, I don't.
There's this food and I don't want these dogs to eat the food that I'm gonna put out, so I'm gonna pour kerosene all over it.
And then you're shocked that people come to your nice brunch and no one's eating the food.
And you're saying, well, what's the problem?
Well, it tastes like kerosene.
I know, I put kerosene on it to keep the dogs away.
What's your problem?
Well, that's essentially what you're doing.
Mushroom jerky.
You know these gum, gum chips, tempura flavored chip chops, Inca corn, that looks like a vag.
You know, you've got the gluten-free brothers.
You've got... mushroom, you know, jerky.
It's just a mess.
It's a mess and it's got to stop.
People want Doritos.
They want Oreos.
They want food that's good for you.
Food that's good for you.
Doritos and Oreos.
These are people who care about their bodies.
She's getting them snacks they probably already eat anyway, right?
Is it possible that you would enjoy the seaweed?
If you tried it?
Try it.
Yeah, try it.
Try the seaweed.
And is it possible that we start kind of tailoring it to what we think the guests would like?
Because this all seems very Woody Harrelson to me, but not necessarily.
Oh, this is awful.
Oh, come on.
I'm not kidding.
This tastes like the ocean.
The last time I had this taste in my mouth was when I almost drowned in summer camp Craggett Mountain Farm 1975.
Oh, man.
That's just, this is awful.
Can I just say I've had this exact nightmare before?
God damn it.
Get this out of my mouth.
God, I've never seen him so charged of all the things.
Maddie, do you taste test these?
I do.
I like all of these snacks.
No, you don't.
You do not like that snack.
Yes, seaweed's good for you and it's a great substitute.
Seaweed's good for you.
An octopi wouldn't have that.
That's more than one octopus.
Yes, yeah.
But you said an octopi.
Oh, here's good.
You decided to get some jerky, but don't worry.
It's grass-fed and finished.
Zero sugar.
Oh.
What's wrong with any of that stuff, though?
I like lots of sugar in my beef.
I also, I want beef that's not, I want some beef that's eating grass.
I want beef that's out eating other beef.
Okay.
Bullshit.
This is bullshit alley.
My daughter eats these seaweed things and they're not anywhere near as good as these ones.
Those are terrible.
That's terrible.
It tastes like seaweed.
You know what?
When I was a kid strolling the beach, I never once was like hmm, look at that seaweed on the sand, and then started chomping away.
Macadamia, that's the worst of the nuts.
I'm sorry it is.
Apologies to Hawaii, but you guys really blew it with the macadamia.
You've got some mints here.
That's good.
Oh, I see you put a lot of mints in here to get the seaweed taste out of your mouth.
That's why they're there.
Mr. O'Brien, sir, may I just ask?
It's Dr. O'Brien.
Dr. O'Brien, sir.
I'm a PhD in nonsensology.
Nonsensology.
May I just ask, what snacks would you like to see in the basket?
And I ask this because before the Oscars I put together a basket for you and I reached out to David Hopping, your assistant, and he said, and I quote I don't know, I guess protein bars.
So...
So what could I do to please my benevolent boss?
Maddie, you don't want to be thinking about me because I am someone who's filled with a lot of self-loathing.
And when I approach a gig like the Oscars, I start – I get nervous.
I get intense.
I just eat protein bars.
I drink a lot of water.
I drink –
It's bad.
No, I'm saying I'm telling you this isn't supposed to be.
I'm saying you shouldn't be catering to me because I don't have joy in my life.
I've removed joy in my life so that I can bring joy to others in a selfless way.
Good mint.
Don't go by me.
Okay.
But go by like, You should call one of my brothers.
Okay.
Actually, call my brother Neil and find out what to put in there.
Okay.
It's going to be moon pies and stuff.
Yeah.
It's going to be great.
It's going to be full of great.
No, but I mean, you know, cookies and yummy snacks.
Eduardo, jump in here.
You agree with me, right?
I agree with you.
I'm sorry, Maddie.
But I also do have the taste buds of a 15-year-old boy, I'm sure.
Yes.
But a lot of people do.
Yeah.
Not a lot of, like, celebrities, though.
They do.
That's a myth.
You all think because we have these amazing bodies.
And I see the way you guys look at me.
With total disdain.
Yes, that's what I meant.
But there's a misconception.
No, I mean, some of these guests, like Cher, might really wish that someone would offer her some Oreos just once, instead of putting out some dried papaya goo.
What if we put out two baskets, naughty and nice, and they can make the choice, but they have to choose one.
Yeah, that's true.
We could do a study on this and just kind of see what the celebrity's like.
And we could make a chart of who went naughty and who went nice.
Cher went naughty.
Jane Fonda went naughty.
Oh, that's fun.
Colby Hahn went nice.
You guys keep saying Cher.
Cher was booked.
Cher was.
Was.
She was booked.
Was.
And then the fires broke out.
I know.
As if it wasn't hard enough for you.
I know.
And now you guys keep bringing her up as if we had her on the show.
Well, we had a basket ready for her.
Come on, man.
Yeah, it was filled with some of the worst shit anyone's ever eaten.
It was a basket full of hush.
Does it have to be snacks?
Hush.
You said it right.
What's that?
Does it have to be snacks?
Could it be like a mixture of like some swag and... Oh.
Well, now that's a lot of money.
Sorry, it's kind of expensive.
If they don't take the swag, that's just kind of sad.
Hey, do we ever give them like, is there a Conan O'Brien needs a friend hat or something?
That's smart.
For sure.
Well, guess what?
Guess what?
I'm going to tell you something.
It's very smart.
I'm sure other podcasts give you swag.
I know there are late night shows.
We would do it on a late night show.
You give a celebrity a t-shirt, they wear it, and then they're out at St.
Bart's.
Beyonce is walking around wearing a t-shirt that says, I love Conan.
And people from paparazzi take a picture and they go like, wow, Conan's cool.
Hello?
Did I lose you guys?
Sorry.
What are you guys doing?
Why are you signaling each other?
I don't know what's happening.
What's happening?
Why are you signaling?
No, there's nothing happening.
We were just going to give the rap light, but I was just saying not yet.
We should go just a few more minutes.
Oh, I didn't realize that you're the Toscanini of this.
I didn't realize you had the baton.
The way that you know that a rap light is just an indication you go as long as you want.
I go as long as I want.
When I sense that we're on, when I sense that we've hit oil, I keep drilling, baby.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Put the heat on.
Yeah.
I can't believe you cut off his Beyonce wearing a. No, no, no.
Good.
Good.
Yes.
That's way worse than bad snacks.
So so I will say back at the TV show you know, one of the things we used to give people, among other things, was a giant can of delicious popcorn.
Yes.
And people used to love munching on that popcorn.
You know what?
We gave them this amazing popcorn that comes from Chicago.
And it's a cheddar, but it's like it's made of molten cheddar.
It was so good.
What about a seaweed popcorn?
No!
Oh, I like that.
No.
Listen, stop.
I know that you want to live to be 250 and be in terrible pain at the end of your life.
But what are you doing?
I would like another one of these.
Another brother.
These gluten-free brother bites.
Stop giving them free advertising.
We do not want that company to flourish.
Oh, my God.
All right, I'm going to shut it down.
Garrett's popcorn.
Yeah, it was Garrett's popcorn.
Yeah, Garrett's.
And we never had any complaints about Garrett's popcorn.
Also, I'll say, in the green room at the show, we used to have a whole cheese plate.
Yes.
There was all kinds of soft cheeses.
Listen, this was a different time.
Okay.
Erin, we were a television show with a certain budget.
Now we're a bunch of people hovered around one microphone.
Yes uh, hiding from the rain.
So um no, we're.
We're not going to start having caviar and roasted ham out there, but i think we can do better than what we're doing.
And and and maddie, what?
Here's your hayley beaver smoothie.
Yeah perfect, oh and good.
My metal spoon, Oh my God.
Speaking of budget, I have to beg for these snacks as is.
I can't fill a basket with $19 Erewhon smoothies.
I just want to say.
I'm not saying.
Listen, I am at the top of the top of the Hollywood pyramid, okay?
Because I have a Hailey Bieber smoothie.
It was just brought to me.
Probably is a bit, but I'm going to enjoy it.
What does that taste like?
It tastes like beauty.
It tastes like youth.
It tastes like fame.
It tastes like all good things.
Wow.
Available at Air One.
And they're only $700 a pop.
And you have to bring a, you have to have a cosigner for the loan.
I'm going to sign off.
And listen, Maddie, I want to end on a positive note, which is I really think I'm a great podcaster.
And I think I'm a pretty good-looking guy.
I can't come up with something positive about you.
No, you are fantastic.
You do a great job.
We all love you.
We cherish you.
I think something went very wrong.
I think you're angry about something.
It's reflected in this gift basket, which is a tragedy.
It's a crime.
But I think it's easily fixed.
But other than that, let me tell you, we are very lucky to have you.
OK, we love you.
You're very funny, very creative.
She's a very funny person.
I love Maddie.
Yeah.
And I love the snacks.
I'm sorry.
No, no, no.
There we go.
Oh, you dick.
That's the worst thing you could do to chips.
Yeah.
That's really messed up.
No, no, not to those chips.
That actually improved those chips.
Oh, my God.
Also can I just say we have a guest coming in probably three minutes and now all of these snacks are either eaten or just tarnished.
Oh, guess what?
Guess what?
Here's what we should do.
I'm smashing up all the snacks, and then see if Carol Leifer notices.
Let's see if she does.
Here, I'm going to spit in this one.
No.
Because you know I like it.
I like.
I'm not going to do that.
We'll get her some.
But seriously, let's up the game a little bit.
And give people, I'd say, a little bit of a mixture.
Absolutely no seaweed.
No mushroom jerky.
Okay.
Throw a couple of Oreos in there.
But you can still have your gluten-free glim-glams and glam-glams.
Okay?
Well, this has been very informative.
Thank you.
I think it's been very informative.
And I think I had a little bit of...
My Erewhon Hailey Bieber smoothie.
They put actual pieces of gold in here.
And actual pieces of Hailey Bieber.
Yeah.
Okay, you went too far.
It's red.
I like the joke.
Thank you.
It's red.
Yeah, okay.
Look at the bottom.
Hold it up and look at the bottom.
That's her blood.
That's her spleen.
That's her spleen.
Yeah, she really gave of herself to make this movie.
Thanks, Hailey.
Peace out.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate talent producer, Jennifer Samples.
Associate producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
Get three free months of SiriusXM when you sign up at SiriusXM.com slash Conan.
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