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Okay, let's get started.
Today, in lieu of a fan episode, we're going to address something very special.
A couple months ago we did an episode with our talent coordinator, Maddie Ogden, about the snack basket that she leaves for guests when they come in.
And you took some real issues.
I did.
And I pointed out some flaws, which I think was important because, I'm gonna say this, guests were not taking the baskets.
They weren't even taking much of the food from the baskets.
And I noticed that it was a lot of green chips made of kale.
Yeah, super healthy stuff and- Mushroom jerky was one of the contentious things in there, yeah.
Yeah, we had rats here at Larchmont who were starving to death and they didn't touch those snacks.
I opened the snacks and put them out for the rats and they left a note that said, fuck you.
In beautiful calligraphy.
In the second episode, I believe, where Maddie kind of gave you her new snacks for approval.
Yeah.
Blay, maybe you can weigh in on this.
The subject and idea and concept of something called a meat flute came up.
Well, originally so Conan, to your point.
You had complained that there wasn't enough protein in the snack basket.
You work out a lot.
I do.
Thank you for noticing.
Wanted to get some protein.
And then we thought, oh, but also we work at a whimsical, funny place.
And then we said well, it might be fun if we give the guests something, not only protein, but something they could take home and use like a meat flute.
And so fans took this suggestion.
They loved it.
And they ran with this meat flute idea.
Big hit with the fans.
One other thing to add is that we decided it would make more sense for us to have our own product than to be using other people's products.
And you were adamant that you wanted to retain all of the profits.
Yes.
This sounds like me.
I remember when the idea of the meat flute came up, there was some concept that oh, we'll team up with some company.
And I was thinking, wait a minute.
Why can't we?
I mean, we have a building here.
I would guess it's not that hard to um, curate meats and sell them uh, to fda.
Like just the five of us are gonna have to worry about it.
My idea, i'm an idea guy.
And then uh, it's up to adam to get one of you two to sort of slice and dry meats.
Uh, that's you girls.
You would do that.
Why you would make your own meat.
You look like a guy that would wear an apron.
You make your own meat.
I get to wear like a leather face apron.
Oh, I wasn't thinking that, but yeah.
I thought like as a hobby.
Or maybe the apron itself would be made of meats and dried.
But my point is that I think this would be a great idea and it's a revenue stream and I'm always being encouraged to explore new revenue streams.
And I think Meat Flute, the Conan brand, Yeah, baby.
It's well, consider this paper.
This episode today is kind of almost like exploring all options, because we did have some fans mock up some meat flutes.
And you can see these at Team Coco podcast on Instagram.
Also, of course, if you watch the YouTube of this video.
But there's a bag there.
I love I mean, that photo of me is fantastic.
I look just, I'm the most deliriously happy person you've ever seen on any food product.
And that's really saying something.
That guy's just electric with joy.
But look at the little details in this.
All proceeds go to him.
And then there's like an FDA badge down there with just a skull.
It says not really cleared by the, and then the FDA is in big letters.
Yeah, but is that meat or is it like chips?
I can't tell from here.
I know.
I don't know what that is.
I don't know.
Don't worry about it.
Are you supposed to be able to play the meat flute?
Well, this is the other thing is it became obviously like a very phallic joke of Conan's meat flute.
You know what?
I was hoping it wouldn't go down that road.
It already did.
It already had.
I'm just too bad.
That just breaks my mind.
You wanted to keep it clean.
Oh, that is so disgusting.
That looks so bad.
All proceeds go to him, Conan's meat flute, and it's just a flute made out of meat.
It's so ugly.
What do you mean?
It looks like a flute.
Well yeah, but it just it looks like something from like the Dark World of the Hobbits or something.
I don't know.
I think that looks perfectly fine.
You guys are reading into it.
It's nice.
It's a flute.
It looks like it would actually play some fine music and we could we could try it out.
But I would buy that.
Come on.
If you were in a truck stop, you wouldn't buy that.
Uh, no, I would not buy that.
We also got some shirts that have been made.
OK, this shirt is made by Carrie London, who's a huge fan.
And she has a T-shirt company called Hoosties.
I see these.
This is nice.
Conan's meat flute.
All proceeds go to benefit Conan and Conan related shenanigans.
I love this.
And look, this is a great depiction of me, or John F Kennedy, or Ted Kennedy, or Robert Kennedy or George Kennedy, the actor from Airport.
This is it.
Or Kennedy, the VJ.
This is great art.
This is my favorite color, Heather Green.
It really is.
It is nice.
It's a nice color on you.
One of the photos was done by Tommy Toon on Reddit.
The other one was Fossil Sandwich on Reddit.
Maybe Tommy Toon the choreographer too.
Who knows?
I'm not sure about the shirts.
You're playing the meat flute here.
It doesn't look like you're playing it.
What do you mean?
It looks like you're flating it.
Why do you do that?
Look at your face.
Yeah.
That's the face of someone who's being fellated.
Blowing meat.
People who are fellating, I don't think.
Well, notice you can't see the bottom of the shirt, what's going on.
Oh, God.
Let me see.
What?
I don't understand.
That doesn't look sexual to you.
No, I see nothing sexual there.
Okay, why are your eyes bulging out of your head like that?
If I was being fellated, my eyes would be popping out of my head.
If I'm fellating someone, and I say this from experience, my eyes aren't popping out of my head.
I'm like, let's get this done.
No one makes this face when they're... Before that police officer comes back.
Do you know what I mean?
No one makes this face when they're making music.
God, you can't get any peace at this YMCA?
Can a fella get a break?
I'm working here.
Yeah, I don't get a sexual thing there.
I don't at all.
That's a sexual thing for sure.
I don't.
This is a real litmus test.
Yeah, you can look at a filing cabinet and you go, oh, I see what that is.
That's a dick and that's a vag.
Well, files go into it.
So yeah, there is something sexual about filing cabinets.
Out of control.
Abacus.
Abacus.
Sexual.
Little balls you're sliding?
Yeah, you're playing with these little balls.
You're adding up all these balls.
You're adding up and then you're like...
Well, now that you've seen the external pitches, we actually amazingly, had John Rao, the prop master.
John Rao, shout out to John Rao.
Yes.
Been with me for hundreds of years and a legend.
I love, love, love John Rao.
Internally, we've begun some work on some Conan meat flutes and we're going to bring those in right now.
Terrific.
And these are real.
Oh, God.
Jason's bringing them in right now, also a legend.
Oh, wow.
Look at these.
Oh, God, no.
I don't need this.
Oh, and smell them.
I don't need this.
That smells like good quality beef.
I don't need this at all.
Doesn't that smell good?
Does this feel sexual to you, Sona?
I don't know.
I don't get anything sexual.
Okay.
Seven long, meaty poles?
The seven schlongs of Hercules?
All right, let's try and clean this up.
I will say one thing that's a little triggering for me.
Okay?
Why?
My penis has five holes in it.
I worked at a swing line stapler factory.
Let me finish.
And it was no pants day.
This is, the year was 1988.
I was in between jobs.
And I remember joking around and saying, look, everybody, it's a stapler piranha attack.
Wait, so when you pee, it's like one of those portable sprinklers you lie on the line?
I'm often asked when I have had a lot of water before I use the urinal.
Would I mind going out to the lawn and rotating my body?
Look at these.
Are these edible?
These are edible?
They are edible, yes.
Well, define edible.
Like, it's a prop that was just brought into the room by Jason Shalemi.
And I've seen, I've been in every country in the world with Jason Shalemi.
And I've seen him haul around some absurd props that he's had in his, you know, in his house.
He took a bag of legs to Thailand, yes.
But are these really edible?
Well, here's what I... Well, shall I be saying... You have to come in and you have to testify.
Wow, you eagerly came into this studio to make sure we knew it was gettable.
They were dropped off on Sunday?
I met John Rao at a bar.
John Rao was sitting with a priest, a rabbi, and a kangaroo.
I remember this.
You guys met in a bar and did a meat flute handoff.
Correct.
You had a meat flute meet cute.
It was midday Sunday.
I would leave my family to go meet you and John Rao in a bar.
Especially if it was the old meat flute handoff.
I'd be there for a meat flute exchange.
He explained that they're all edible.
But have they been, like, preserved since then?
Or have they just been sitting out since then?
No, it's been preserved.
It was in a Ziploc.
It was in a fridge.
So you just did... It's highly doubtful there'll be music played from them.
Well, I will say you might... I'm not going to eat one.
I'm just going to go on.
I'm going to say right now that... And I'm just thinking, I have kids.
I can't eat this.
And if I die because I ingested a meat flute... Yeah, you don't want to.
Think of that headline.
Everyone's going to misunderstand.
Right.
You think just at first blush that someone just poked holes in these.
But he did carve out a reed here.
Yeah, no, there's some...
And he also he said, if you're if you're inventive with your lips, you might be able to make noise.
OK, here we go.
Well, I've said that.
Oh, my God.
You two are blowing into sticks of beef.
You guys are blowing into sticks of meat right now.
I'll give you a thousand dollars if you can play some Jethro Tull right now.
Hold on.
Here we go.
Grown men blowing into sticks of meat.
Oh.
I can't get any sound out of this.
There's no reed.
None of them have any inside parts.
Maybe we can make one.
Oh my God.
Oh.
I think I just cheated a little bit.
Here we go.
What is happening?
It does sound like he's playing a meat flute.
What is happening?
Try the big one with the...
Yeah, try the big one.
Yeah, try that one.
Try the jumbo.
I think these will work.
Things are flying out.
Guess what?
You would think this will work.
A big piece of beef just flew out the front.
It's the fact that you think music will come out of these sticks of meat.
What do you think is going to happen?
You're still trying.
You haven't even changed your meat stick.
You're still trying on the same stick.
I can't work here anymore.
We're done.
I got to go.
I got to leave.
This is awful.
All our kids are going to be brutally teased right now.
Oh, my God.
Hey, Aqualung.
All right.
I have quick, this brought up a triggering memory for me.
Don't try and eat it.
You know what?
It wasn't the taste.
It was, I didn't expect it to collapse and be so hollow and it felt like rancid.
Yeah, the insides are gone.
The insides are gone.
Listen.
Did you carve out the insides or were they already in?
There was a special tool.
What?
Some welding device.
Well, okay.
Here's what we need to fix.
No music comes out of these.
Now, this is shocking to me, but we do need to address this, because these meat flutes can't go out on the market until they are functioning as musical instruments.
I'm glad you've said that, because we've now been able to level up where some meat professionals heard about this and sent a professional grade meat flute right now.
Meat professionals?
Meat professionals.
We made them take a break from being actual professionals to do this for us.
This is stupid.
I can't be here.
Look at this thing.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God.
This is a... Okay, so this one, it's only edible below the rope.
Those words have never been uttered in human history.
We have an issue.
No, no, no, no.
The smell.
No, it's got to go across the top.
You're on your own, buddy.
You brought this up.
You got to do it.
Am I doing it wrong?
I think the bottom lip is supposed to touch and you're supposed to... There she is.
Almost.
I can't believe you hosted the Oscars.
Wait a minute.
You know what?
When we were playing Aqualung.
When I was trying to play Aqualung, I had a sense memory of, with a guitar, singing Aqualung at the Emmys on stage, while the cameras are rolling and looking out, and the first, the only face I could see was Oprah Winfrey in the front row.
Staring back at me and knowing this woman will never be my friend.
And here it is 25 years later.
I don't think we've ever spoken.
Let's bring her in.
I'm not getting a sound.
Well, I'll tell you this.
It's beef.
It's meat.
It just smells like meat.
Only edible below the roof.
I can't believe we thought this was something that could work.
I think it's doable.
Let me try it.
Yeah, give it to Matt.
You do it, Matt.
Yeah.
Matt, I can't.
One of the things is that to really get your mouth up there, you got to inhale pure old beef.
Is there like a reed in these?
I guess there is.
I think it's a crop.
You got to go across like a bottle.
This is just embarrassing.
I feel.
And you know what?
I've never been this embarrassed on the.
Oh, wait a minute.
Kind of something.
Yeah, this will make people buy the meat.
I just feel like I have no integrity.
I feel the lowest I've ever felt.
When you feel that way, that's what's happening.
I know.
You're blowing into a hand flute made of beef.
Hey.
When you laughed, it worked.
Yeah.
I think you have to be laughing at your own.
You have to have joy in your heart.
You have to have joy in your heart and you have to be laughing at your own absurdity.
Yeah.
Good.
Yeah.
I'm like Zamfir, but in hell.
Are the fumes?
I'm good.
I just want to make, put it on the record, I have not blown into a single stick of meat.
I just want to make sure everyone knows this about me.
Sona.
I have not.
Methinks thou doth protest too much.
With your face.
Okay, here's the thing.
This is a work in progress because this does not work as a musical instrument.
And I'm pretty sure it doesn't work as beef.
It doesn't work as a way to live.
I can tell you that much.
This needs a lot of work, but...
I am encouraged.
I'm like John F. Kennedy talking about the space program in 1961.
Yeah, it's the same.
I think we're not doing this because it's easy, but because it's hard.
We're going to do this and the other things.
I believe we proceed.
I think we're on to something.
And I say that knowing that we aren't.
Who are the meat professionals that made this?
They're from they're from a well-known meat company.
Yeah, but this is the problem.
Okay, they're from a well-known meat company, but they don't know shit about a musical instrument.
That's right.
Yes, that's true.
Can we mention who sent it?
I think we're not supposed to.
They clearly don't want us to mention them.
They made this, but don't want to have anything to do with this.
That's hilarious.
I respect them for staying well clear of us.
Maybe, Cone, it's your point.
Maybe we should be pursuing companies that make instruments.
Yes, yes.
I think you've gone about this the wrong way, and I'm criticizing everyone involved.
That's right.
You don't start with the meat.
It's got to be, if you made a, let's put it this way.
Let's say I promised everybody a car made of meat.
The first thing I would do is work on the car part and then coat it with meat.
I wouldn't make the meat first and then think, hmm, how do I forge this meat?
But you have to eat it.
You have to eat it.
But not the whole thing.
This is a pan flute that's encased.
Do you remember there used to be candy flutes?
Yeah.
Chute Sweet.
Chitty Chitty Bang Bang.
Oh, yeah.
In theory, this can be done.
This can and will be done.
This is something that, I mean, I will stay alive to be 150 years old to make this happen.
I'm arbitrarily making this the dream of my life and the only purpose of my life.
But can you guarantee you'll die when it's made?
It will probably be the last thing I do.
Let's get this going.
Me blowing into a huge tube of meat will probably be the last thing I ever do.
Okay.
But I'll die with a big smile on my lips.
Well, to be continued.
Yeah, to be continued.
Really?
Stay tuned.
We are also taking investors.
If people heard this and said I want a part of this before it takes off without me.
We are going to make this right, Adam.
We're going to make it available for people to invest.
I don't know.
And I'm looking for any angel investors, anyone who wants to put upward of 800 million or a billion dollars.
Maybe we just take the L and move on.
No.
What do you think?
No.
Okay.
I'm going to take the B with beef, the M for meat, the F for flute.
And I am going to take this and I'm going to run with it.
Once I have my lips wrapped around an idea this good, I go.
You know what I mean?
Just like this.
I go.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No.
He does.
He is blowing it.
Yes, he is.
He said himself.
Yeah.
I may have to advance retreat, advance retreat, but I will do that with the meat flute until I get some kind of reaction.
And if that means going forward and then having to go back and going forward, and going back, and going forward and go back, and maybe even increasing the speed with which I go back and forth in a more rapid motion.
Yeah.
And if I have to get in there and sort of tickle the investors, I'll do what it takes to make sure that this thing comes to fruition in an explosion of wealth for everybody involved.
You know what I mean?
I'll go to my knees for this.
And that's a promise.
I'll put my hair back with a scrunchie and I'll get to work until this is done.
And if anyone reads into this, you're disgusting.
You're fucking disgusting people.
Oh my God.
So peace out, meat flute.
We're going to have this happen.
I'm proud to know you, boss.
You know what?
I'm proud that you know me.
Yeah.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
With Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Supervising Producer, Aaron Blair.
Associate Talent Producer, Jennifer Samples.
Associate Producers, Sean Doherty and Lisa Byrne.
Engineering by Eduardo Perez.
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