Hey, you guys ready to order?
Uh, sure.
Hey, Priya?
Uh, I'll have the shepherd's pie.
You want to split that with me?
Oh, no, no, no, he doesn't.
Why not?
Well, you know, milk in the taters, milk in the gravy, Parmesan crust.
Your lactose intolerant boyfriend will turn into a gas-filled Macy's Day balloon.
Not quite accurate.
The Macy's balloons are filled with helium, whereas Leonard produces copious amounts of methane.
No, on the shepherd's pie.
Move on.
Yeah, a little tip.
He says he can eat frozen yogurt.
Do not believe it.
Sea bass.
I'll have the sea bass.
You gotta like this.
The girlfriend, the ex-girlfriend bonding over your rooty, tooty, stinky booty.
Kill me.
It wouldn't help.
The human body is capable of being flatulent for hours after death.
As we speak, the space shuttle is docking at the International Space Station where it will deploy the Wolowitz Zero Gravity Waste Disposal System.
Get over yourself.
It's a high-tech toilet.
Just think thanks to your hard work, an international crew of astronauts will boldly go where no man has gone before.
Is that supposed to be funny?
I believe it is.
The combination of the Star Trek reference and the play on words involving the double meaning of the verb to go suggests that Leonard is humorously mocking your efforts in space plumbing.
Okay, make your little jokes, but of the four of us I'm the only one making any real world contribution to science and technology.
He's right.
This is an important achievement for two reasons.
Number one, and of course number two.
Oh, clever!
Playing on the use of cardinal numbers as euphemisms for bodily functions.
Gentlemen, I think I've come up with a fun way to get young people interested in science.
Physics Mad Libs.
Now, give me a number.
Five.
Uh-huh.
And an irrational constant.
E. And a funny Greek letter.
Gamma.
I said funny.
Upsilon?
Good one.
And an electrical charge.
Positive.
Perfect.
Okay, get this.
Professor Jones told the symposium he had a new method for calculating the mass of a muon.
Five times the limit of...
E to the oops-a-lon as in... Okay, no, no, no.
I'll start over.
Professor, I haven't seen him laugh that hard since the day Leonard made that multiplication error.
Oh, oh, Lord!
That multiplication error!
He thought he carried the one, but he didn't!
It's not funny.
That mistake got published.
Stop!
Okay, you were right about Wolverine and bone claws, but you're wrong about the cricket.
Howard, don't embarrass yourself.
The science chirps for itself.
Humorous wordplay.
How much time do we have?
T-minus five hours, 37 minutes to onset of meteor shower.
Okay, our position is 34.48 degrees north, 118.31 west.
That means the azimuth should be 16822 degrees relative to magnetic north, with an elevation of 4993.
Anything yet?
We have a signal, but there's no frame lock.
Hang on.
How about net?
We did it.
We have the west coast feed of HBO.
Ooh, real sex.
Big deal.
Every time I watch that show, it's old women putting condoms on cucumbers.
All right, let's see what's on the East Coast feed.
Oh, hey, dude.
Not a great movie, but look at that beautiful desert.
Too bad Sheldon couldn't come with us.
Yeah, it's just not the same without him.
This sucks, I'm switching back to real sex.
Sheldon's log.
Stardate 63345.3.
While my colleagues are off observing the Leonid meteor shower, I've remained behind to complete my paper on the decays of highly excited massive string states.
Although my research is going well, I do miss the warmth of human companionship. doing there?
Working on a new plan to catch the Roadrunner?
The humorous implication being that I am Wile E. Coyote?
Yes.
And this is a schematic for a bird trapping device that will ultimately backfire and cause me physical injury.
Yes.
How did you even get it in here?
That's for me, Ramon, Julio, Jesus, and Rodrigo to know, and you to find out.
All right, you've made your point.
A fine prank, very amusing.
Now get it out.
Nothing flamed out.
We don't have to have sex every night, you know.
You don't have to, but it's highly recommended.
Yeah, take advantage of that window of opportunity before it slams shut on your little dinky.
A matter of opportunity.
We're getting to know each other.
There's a learning curve.
It's gonna learn.
You get naked, do nasty things to each other.
Then somebody makes scrambled eggs and salami easy peasy.
Perhaps what leonard is obliquely referring to is the occurrence of some sort of sexual dysfunction.
Okay, who had leonard gets a floppy disk, a clever, albeit obsolete euphemism for insufficient blood flow to the male sex organ.
To think I idolized that man.
And why.
At the end of the day, he's just another Hollywood phony.
Is it really worth getting upset about?
Yeah, they say don't meet your heroes.
Don't peek behind that curtain of fame and celebrity.
Because if you do, you'll see them as they really are.
Degenerate carnival folk.
Come on, he's a retired kids show host.
It's even worse.
They're using the sweet candy of science to trick children into loving him.
Pervert.
Have you ever thought about why Arthur didn't want you to read his paper?
Yes, I have.
My only conclusion is the prescription he was picking up the other day was for cuckoo pills.
Maybe he found you a bit much.
That's kind of a stretch.
Look, when it comes to social skills, I've mastered the big three.
There's the coy smile.
There's the friendly chuckle.
There's the vocalization of sympathy.
Aww.
That last one's tricky.
I'm still working on it.
Oh.
This is the worst cobbler I've ever eaten.
It tastes like it's made of actual ground-up shoemaker.
Amusing.
The play on the two meanings of cobbler.
Oh, Amy's at the dry cleaners and she's made a very amusing pun.
I don't care for perchloroethylene and I don't like glycol ether.
You get it?
She doesn't like glycol ether.
Sounds like either.
Okay, look, this is between you and me.
You cannot tell Leonard any of this.
You're asking me to keep a secret?
Yeah.
Well, I'm sorry, but you would have had to express that desire before revealing the secret, so that I could choose whether or not I wanted to accept the covenant of secret-keeping.
You can't impose a secret on an ex post facto basis.
What?
Secret keeping is a complicated endeavor.
One has to be concerned not only about what one says, but about facial expressions, autonomic reflexes.
When I try to deceive, I myself have more nervous tics than a Lyme disease research facility.
It's a joke.
It relies on the homonymic relationship between tic, the blood-sucking arachnid, and tic, the involuntary muscular contraction.
I made it up myself.
What about you, Penny?
Do you go on many dates?
I wouldn't say many.
A few.
What?
I was told that you're the best and the brightest of this university's doctoral candidates.
Of course, that's like saying you're the most important electron in a hydrogen atom.
I told you, that was a different guy.
That's too bad.
Could have spent New Year's Eve waiting for the ball to drop.
So I read a study that says a man with a dog is three times more likely to get a woman's phone number.
Is it true even when the man lets his dog lick peanut butter off his tongue?
I don't see why not.
If you're really desperate to meet women and like having food eaten out of your mouth, I can set you up with my mom.
Why is that funny?
That's just unhygienic.
It's a joke.
I don't think so.
I believe that a joke is a brief oral narrative with a climactic humorous twist.
For example, Wallowitz's mother is so fat that she decided to go on a diet, or exercise, or both.
You see, the twist is that people don't usually change.
Well, they don't.
Guys, don't forget, my episode's on TV tomorrow night.
We'll be there.
Can we bring anything?
Oh, that's so sweet of you, but I was going to steal food from here.
You know, my treat.
Wait, if Howard's mother is coming, you should also steal marbles.
Because she's obese and hippos are obese and in the popular board game Hungry Hungry Hippos, they eat marbles.
Maybe I need to dumb these down for you.
I wish you could all be inside my head.
The conversation is sparkling.
Fine, I'll tell you.
Chicken is an organism made up of two separate species, fungi and algae.
If you could merge with another species, what species would you pick and why?
Hint, there is a right answer.
None of you will get it.
Okay, I'd pick swan, because the resulting hybrid would have the advanced industrial civilization of a human and the long graceful neck I've always dreamed of having.
Wrong.
Leonard?
Horse.
But mostly just for the height.
A little bit for the genital girth.
Wrong.
And let's keep it clean, shall we?
Kangaroo.
I'd be Kanga-Jew.
The first of my people to dunk a basketball.
Also, instead of just living in your mother's house, you could actually live inside her body.
Clever, but also wrong.
Now, the best organism for human beings to merge with is the lichen itself.
That way you'd be human, fungus, and algae.
Triple threat.
Like free bean salad.
Give me one circumstance in which that would be useful.
All right, picture this.
A beautiful outdoor concert.
Now, as a human, I appreciate Beethoven.
As a fungus, I have a terrific view growing out of a towering maple tree.
And no thank you, expensive concessions, because as an algae, I'll just snack on this sunlight.
Got us again?
No, he didn't.
