This past weekend, I found myself in a little bit of a dilemma.
Okay, let me paint the picture for you.
So the week leading up to last weekend was really busy.
I had a lot of work to get done.
And I'll be honest, I only got about 50 % of it done.
So that left me on Friday evening incredibly stressed, incredibly stressed, knowing that I'd have to work over the weekend.
And that's I try not to do because, you know, I try to maintain a level of work life balance.
And in theory I'm my own boss and I can take time off whenever I want, which is an absolute luxury, but I do hold myself to a certain standard. And so there are times when I have to work on the weekends, you know, whether it's because there's deadlines or because I didn't meet my own expectation, you know, it happens.
And so Friday evening I knew, okay, this weekend, I'm going to have to work." And that's totally fine, but, you know, it's a little bit of a bummer, but it's totally fine.
But it'll make me feel good to do that.
Right? Ultimately, the decision to work on the weekend was for me to make me feel good.
Because when I'm ahead, and I'm not, you know, constantly being chased by deadlines, I feel good.
I feel happy. And so me working last weekend wasn't necessarily mandatory because it wasn't like, oh, if I don't work this weekend, I'm not going to meet certain deadlines.
It was more like, I want to work this weekend so I can have a comfortable buffer between my deadlines.
So that's how I was feeling on Friday evening.
And then I get a text from two separate loved ones, okay?
I'm not saying like a group chat was made and they both texted me and asked me to hang out.
No, two of my loved ones separately asked me to hang out and I deeply adore these people, okay?
But I was faced with this sort of dilemma.
Do I choose to be selfish and work and get stuff done and make myself feel good, but potentially neglect these loved ones and not spend quality time with them?
Or do I neglect my work and what will ultimately make me feel probably best because being ahead in my work life makes me feel really good.
Like when I'm ahead, I'm just peaceful and on top of that I'm more fun to be around because I'm not stressed.
So do I neglect my work, potentially be in a bad mood at least internally?
I try not to show that on the outside but at least internally but get to spend quality time with my loved ones and make them feel loved and seen and appreciated by you know me me hanging out with them.
This sort of dilemma really brought to my attention how truly challenging it is at times to choose between selfishness and selflessness and there's Absolutely no perfect piece of advice for this sort of dilemma.
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You know, I feel like there's a lot of conflicting advice out there about whether to be selfish or selfless, and there's not a lot of advice on how to figure out when to do which. Like I feel like I see advice all the time online about how you have to be selfish, prioritize yourself, you know, help yourself before you help others.
That's how you reach your ultimate potential.
That's how you're able to help others.
If you're selfish, for the most part, then you'll naturally want to be selfless in a way.
Being selfish is important and we should all be selfish.
But then I also hear advice that's like, we should lead a selfless life for ultimate fulfillment and purpose.
Doing things for ourselves all the time leads us to a life of isolation.
and you know it's like you can be successful and rich and famous and all of this because you were selfish and you worked hard on yourself but at the end of that road because you've been selfish you have no one there to enjoy it with we must be selfless in this life and it's like okay which is it then and obviously you know we need to be a little bit of both we need to be a little bit selfish and you know a little bit selfless we need to have well I Maybe it's thirty -seventy.
I don't know, but like, we obviously need to have both.
But in moments like last weekend, I was overwhelmed with this dilemma.
I could not choose.
Because both seemed equally important to me, you know?
Like, getting ahead on work, I knew would make me feel good.
but, you know, spending time with my loved ones is incredibly important to me, and I get to spend a good amount of time with my loved ones, but I have to be really intentional about making sure that it happens, because everyone's busy, and you know, quality time is kind of scarce, I don't know, it's like, so, oh my god, I literally, it's ironic because it's like, I was already stressed, like, oh my god, I have so much to do, But then this dilemma of do I go and hang out or do I stay and I work.
It was so overwhelming for me that I couldn't do anything.
Like I couldn't even finish my work on Friday because I was so consumed by this dilemma.
And I ultimately decided to be selfless, if you will.
And go and hang out with my loved ones.
And I say that hanging out with my loved ones is selfish in this context because the activities that my loved ones brought up for me to do were more like catering to their interests or their lives.
Does that make sense?
Which is, by the way, totally fine.
I love doing those things.
I'm not against that.
Do you get what I'm saying though?
It's like, it wasn't like, oh, this is our favorite coffee shop, or this is a movie that we both really wanted to see or this is our favorite clothing store to browse around in or this is a cocktail event that we were both invited to that we both are going to attend.
It was like very specific things that were more so for them.
And I was then just going to attend with them as like support and to just be there for morale and to hang out, which on a normal day would be not a selfless act at all.
I would actually want to do that stuff.
I enjoy doing that with my loved ones, but it felt more like the selfless option in this scenario because these are not necessarily activities that I am super excited to do or that necessarily recharge me.
Does that make sense?
There are certain activities that recharge me and those are things that I really deeply enjoy doing.
And then there are activities that are maybe less recharging, but they're more of like, oh, I just am down to be there because my loved ones want to do it.
You know what I'm saying?
And that can actually be recharging at times, but only if I'm not stressed, I'm not behind on shit, you know what I mean?
So I did ultimately end up choosing to go and spend time with my loved ones, I have absolutely no regrets at all.
I ended up having a great time.
I was able to manage my stress and just kind of leave it at the door, if you will, and everything turned out great.
But, it was so overwhelming to choose.
And I had immense guilt in the process of deciding this.
Like, I feared that by going and hanging out with my loved ones, I was neglecting myself and that I was then going to suffer for that.
And I've spent many years being a yes man, saying yes to everything, and I've come a long way.
And so I was like, am I regressing?
Like am I going back to square one?
Because I feel like I'm neglecting my own needs to go spend time with people, which I love these people, and I love spending time with them, but this is just the wrong time, but at the same time these people really want me to be present for these activities, and I get it.
If the roles were reversed, I would want them to be there with me.
So I was like, oh! So that's also what I felt guilty about.
I was like, if the roles were reversed, I would want them to be present for me for these activities even though it's not necessarily something that they maybe love to do or is like, do you know what I'm saying, oh my God, it was really overwhelming for me.
And after the fact, it just left me thinking a lot about selflessness versus selfishness, and I've been thinking about it a lot because I want to prevent the dilemma from happening again.
And if I have a better understanding of how to decide, then it won't happen again.
And so that's what I thought we'd do together today, investigate selfishness and selfishness and through that, figure out potentially how to find a balance.
So let's start out by discussing selfishness actually.
Let's discuss the pros and the cons from my personal experience anyway.
I would say the pros of selfishness would be, number one, you're able to dedicate your time to you, in theory, leading you to max productivity in your career, in self -development.
I think we all want to reach our maximum potential, right, for a multitude of reasons.
Number one, because it builds our self -confidence and self -esteem.
Number two, because that's sort of our purpose on this earth is to, I don't know, be the best people we can be in every single category, right?
Work as hard as we can at work.
Take as great of care of ourselves as we can physically.
Work on ourselves emotionally as much as possible so we can be as emotionally intelligent as possible.
All of these things.
That's all of our goals, I think, for the most part, right?
And I really do think that in order to get there you do have to be selfish at times, you know, because this stuff takes a lot of time.
This stuff takes some sacrifice and it might mean not being able to help your friend move because you're working or not being able to grab coffee with your friend because you have a workout class like and you want to take care of your body like whatever it is.
Sometimes reaching your ultimate potential requires selfishness and I don't think there's necessarily anything wrong with that.
Another pro would be full autonomy over your time.
Your life is truly what you want it to be through selfishness at times.
You know, nobody's telling you how to live your life if you have a bit of selfishness.
I, for many years, was a yes man, and anytime anyone would ask me to hang out, my answer was yes.
I would cancel my own life to make time for other people's lives, and that was a huge problem because I didn't feel like I had autonomy over my life.
I felt like you know my schedule was not up to me it was up to whoever texted me and asked me to hang out or you know whatever like event invited me to go.
Like I said yes to everything to the point where it was like I would put something down in my schedule for me like oh I'm gonna go to this workout class or oh I'm gonna work on editing this youtube video.
And I deep down always knew like, oh, that might not end up working out because, you know, something else might come up and I'm just gonna probably have to do it.
And this was miserable for me, okay, because number one, I definitely wasn't reaching my maximum potential.
Number two, I felt out of control of my life.
I was like, you know, I don't have control over my schedule.
I don't have control over what I do with my time.
It felt horrible, it felt chaotic, right?
And last but not least, it sort of started to, you know, levels of resentment and frustration towards others, which is in some ways sort of irrational because it's like people inviting me to stuff, companies inviting me to events, like whatever.
That is optional. An invite is not a demand.
It was up to me to say, you know what I can't, I'm so sorry I appreciate the invite but I can't.
But I couldn't do that, because it made me uncomfortable.
But unfortunately, I eventually started to build resentment towards others, because I felt like everybody was getting in the way of me living my life.
But I was getting in the way of me living my life, you know?
And so the moral of the story is there's a lot of beauty in having full autonomy over your schedule and time in life.
And I think only through selfishness really can you achieve that.
Another pro, I think there's sort of a sense of peace that comes with a level of selfishness.
If you're selfless to a fault, you might stretch yourself too thin.
If you say yes to everyone, if you help everyone all the time, if you are dedicating all of your time to others and none to yourself, you're going to find yourself exhausted, and as I mentioned earlier, resentful as well.
there is a sense of peace that comes with not stretching yourself too thin you know being a bit selfish prioritizing your needs and in balancing those with others needs it's ultimately a relief from people pleasing.
I used to feel stretched so thin because I was a people pleaser I said yes to everything people invited me to but also I was constantly available always responding to text always available.
And that made me feel constantly fatigued, constantly exhausted.
And it was a bit miserable.
And again, I used this word earlier chaotic.
There's peace that comes with selfishness because you choose what you do with your time, you choose what energy you let in.
All of this is really kind of a beautiful thing.
And the last pro for selfishness that I can think of would be selfishness can actually inspire selflessness, right?
This is something that I think is like widely known but I've personally experienced it as well.
When I'm truly selfish with a decent portion of my time and I use it wisely to get work done, have some peaceful time alone, exercise, cook healthy meals, like all these things.
When I am selfish with my time and I use it wisely, it makes my moments where I don't have anything to do so much more inspired.
Like I wanna go out and I wanna help people.
I wanna help my friend move.
I want to sit with my friend who just went through a break up for six hours and talk about what they're going through.
I want to help my mom paint her kitchen.
You know what I'm saying?
like I wanna do selfless stuff when I've been really selfish and thoughtful with my own time.
It makes it so that I have the capacity to help others because I don't feel this sort of nagging to help myself.
Does that make sense?
But as with all things that are positive, there are also negatives.
And I think selfishness can be a really harmful thing as well and I actually feel like that's normally how we discuss selfishness.
feel like, growing up when I was a kid, everybody talked about selfishness in a negative light and then I got older and the narrative sort of shifted and it was like, no no no, we're selfish now.
And that does feel like a very, you know, gen -z sort of thing of being like, no, we're not all angels helping everyone all the time.
That's unrealistic and unnecessary.
And like, it's like idealistic and it's not it's not realistic, right?
Reality is we do need to be selfish and I think it's true to an extent but again too much of anything is usually bad.
Well it is bad because it's too much. There can be too much of anything and that is usually bad.
So that leads me to the cons of selfishness.
Starting with potentially risking deeper relationships with others because it's hard to dedicate time to others when you are so focused on own needs.
Like, you know, if you're sort of in an era of selfishness, you know, you have a lot of stuff you want to achieve.
There's a lot of work you want to do on yourself, you can get really wrapped up in that to the point where you're isolating yourself or you're only hanging out with your loved ones when it somehow benefits you.
Right? And that can be damaging to relationships, right?
And at the end of the day, other people are really important.
You know, again, it is true.
I mentioned this at the beginning of the episode, but if you're really selfish with your time and you become really successful and you're the healthiest version of yourself and everything is going great, but you're alone, kind of doesn't matter.
Like, life is fun because of other people.
And all the work that you've been selfishly doing will not be as rewarding if you don't have good relationships in your life, and so I don't know, I mean that's definitely a huge risk of being too selfish.
Another con would be, I think if you're too selfish, life can lack purpose, because when you're too focused on yourself, weirdly, life just feels less fulfilling.
I think our purpose a lot of times is helping others and making the world a better place in some way.
Obviously, in order to do that, you do have to be, to an extent, selfish because you have to work on yourself and become a good person who has the energy and the time to do that.
And in order to do that, you have to be selfish with your time, so that then you have some free time to then go and help others and you have the energy because you're not you know you don't have that nagging feeling of like oh I need to be helping myself so you can truly go and help others so it's complicated right because it's like in order to help others you do to an extent need to help yourself but if you're too selfish then you'll find that your life completely lacks purpose because you're not involved in your community you're not helping others you're not fostering deeper relationships through
sacrificing your time in effort towards others you it's very complicated but being too selfish will lead to I think a less fulfilling life.
I have found that some of my most depressing eras of my life were shockingly selfish.
I think some of my most depressed phases consisted of me only thinking of myself and in what I was working on.
And it made me the center of the universe in a way that sort of caused me to lose perspective about the bigger picture in the world.
There's something about being around other people, helping out other people, helping them reach their goals that weirdly puts everything into perspective.
You realize, oh, there's a bigger picture here.
You know, my purpose is actually also to help others.
Other people have goals that they're trying to reach and I don't know, it makes your own circumstances feel less extreme in a way, and there's something actually beautiful about that and peaceful about that, which leads to a more fulfilling life in a way.
I don't know, I'm not explaining this very well, but I almost feel like there's a certain amount of energy that we need to dedicate to ourselves But the rest of our energy needs to go out into the world.
And if we take that portion of our energy that we should be putting out towards the world, and we're selfish with it and we put it towards our self, it's almost like that energy that we are supposed to be putting out towards the world, when put towards our self, it hurts us.
Because it's too much energy.
We already have a certain amount of energy that we allot towards our selves, that we should allot towards our selves.
and if we add any more, it becomes too much energy, almost like our body is filled with energy, right?
We put energy towards ourselves and it goes inside of our body and it's almost like if we put the healthy amount of energy towards ourselves, then everything feels comfortable and good but if we put too much energy towards ourselves, it's almost like all that energy is bubbling up inside of us, you know, moving around, shaking around, vibrating around and it hurts, it's uncomfortable, it injures us in a way.
That's how I feel about being too selfish, being too self -centered, and not helping others distributing our energy, right?
I think not only does it hurt us, but it also makes our lives less fulfilling.
So it's just overall messy.
So that's sort of my analysis on selfishness.
Let's move on to my analysis of selflessness.
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You're naturally gonna form a deeper sense of community in this world, you know.
By helping others, by being present for others, naturally you'll develop deeper relationships and I think through that, you'll have a more positive view of the world.
When you're constantly helping others and involving yourself in your community, whether that's intimately with like your loved ones and helping them out or going to the shitty movie with them or taking the time to help somebody put their groceries in their car when they're struggling, even though you want to get home and you want to get back to work on something, but this person's struggling and you do it anyway, leading a selfless life in this way not only is fulfilling for you because helping others just for some reason feels really good but also other people will want to help you and this sense of community
I think really restores a faith in humanity which I think is important for people now more than ever because I think you know there's a lot of division as I think because the internet especially there's a lot of tension and division and everyone's hating on each other and everyone's fighting and all this all the time.
There's always drama, you know.
And I think it's really important to reenter the real world and realize, oh wait, it's actually really beautiful out here.
And we actually do have each other's backs more than we think we do, you know.
I also think too that in order to build relationships that reach maximum bond potential, you have to be selfless in the relationship, otherwise, you won't be able to fully unlock a deep bond, right?
Like, we all have those friendships where our friend only reaches out to us when they need something.
And when we need something it's like, oh, I can't buy!
Those types of relationships are never the deepest ones.
It's the ones where both people people are willing to be selfless.
Those are the deepest relationships.
Those are the most meaningful relationships.
And so I think to have the deepest relationships possible in life, you need to be somewhat selfless in those relationships.
Obviously, we can't be selfless all the time, but there needs to be a strong element of selflessness in those relationships.
I mentioned this earlier, but another pro selflessness is a deeper sense purpose and a strong sense of fulfillment.
I think humans feel their best when in some way they're being selfless with the world, you know.
They're doing a service to someone and it doesn't necessarily need to be huge, you know.
Like there's so many different ways that you can be selfless.
It might be a lifestyle where you do little acts of selflessness all the time, you're really selfless in your personal relationships, you might have a bigger, greater cause where maybe you are involved in certain charities or maybe you started a charity.
Like it's different for everyone and there's no wrong answer.
Right. But it all is in one way or another selfless.
And so without that, it's really hard to find purpose.
And people say this a lot and it sounds cliche, but it's so true.
It's like, you're not going to find fulfillment in purpose through, you know, money or fame or having a hot significant other or having a lot of friends or being invited to all the parties, that can be fun and that can feel good.
I don't think it's wrong to strive for those things but that's not where the purpose and the fulfillment come from.
That truly comes from what we do for others in a way.
And so if we're not selfless in our lives, we're not going to experience, I don't think, true fulfillment and again I mentioned this earlier as well But another pro of selflessness is it sort of takes the attention off of yourself in a positive way When we're the center of our own universe when we're putting all of our energy towards ourselves, it's not good It's not good for us.
It turns toxic quick so to put our energy towards others to be selfless is to distribute our energy in a healthy way and And it gives us perspective, as well, right?
When all we see is ourselves, when all we think about is ourselves, ooh, you know, you don't have an accurate perspective on the world and that's not good, either.
Now let's discuss the cons of selflessness, which I've experienced in a big way because for so many years I was such a people -pleaser.
I mean, oof, dark time.
Not good, I don't miss it at all.
Now being a people pleaser absolutely sucks.
And I think being too selfless in a way is being a people pleaser.
You want to do everything for everyone all the time to the point where you don't care about yourself or it's not even that you don't care about yourself but you're not high enough on your list of priorities to say you know what, no, I can't hang out.
You know what, no, I can't help you with this thing.
And I think this is sort of a misconception.
Like I think a lot of people assume that there's no such thing as being too selfless.
That's the ultimate act of good, right?
To be selfless, it's like, how could that ever be bad?
But I really do think it can be bad.
I think there are quite a few cons.
So let's get into them.
To start, we can neglect ourselves in a way that prevents us from reaching our full potential, which is such a shame.
We all have goals we want to reach, and to not give ourselves the time to reach those goals is truly a shame.
We deserve to give ourselves ample time and effort to reach our goals in our lives and so to spend all of your time on others might mean to not reach your own goals.
And that's not... I don't think anyone wants that.
And by the way, I don't think the people in your life want that, right?
For the most part we all want each other to succeed, you know?
There's a bit of jealousy floating around on this planet.
Actually there's quite a bit but for the most part we all want each other to succeed and I think when we've taken selflessness too far we end up sacrificing our own goals for others and they wouldn't even want us to do that like if we told them like you know I really should spend time today working on this art project I've been meaning to work on I want to do like a gallery show one day and like you know I really should work on that this weekend.
I'm sorry I can't hang out." Like most people would be like, go off.
Like don't hang out with me.
Go do that. Most people don't care.
They want us all to do what we got to do.
So it's unnecessary and harmful in multiple ways.
Another con of being too selfless is, you know, you can become a people pleaser where you just say yes to everyone and you have no spine.
And you know what that leads to, funny enough, relationships where you're not respected and I'm not saying that in a way that's degrading to the people pleaser or degrading to the person who's subconsciously disrespecting and kind of taking advantage of the people pleaser, it's like the way that we develop respect for each other is through a bit of tension, a bit of conflict, right?
When someone says no you what, I can't hang out today because I need to work on this thing.
Subconsciously, when someone is said no to, they're like, oh shit, they prioritize their personal lives.
I respect that. When someone stands up for themselves and says, hey, you know what?
I know you're having a bad day, but I can't put up with this type of behavior.
I mean, that's not necessarily being selfish, like standing up for yourself I don't think is selfish, but arguably the selfless thing to do when somebody's having a hard day and they're taking it out on you would be to just like take it, you know, and not make their day any more uncomfortable, right, but I don't know.
I mean I don't know if this is considered truly selfless to like just to take it, like take bad treatment, but we'll use it as an example.
Anyway, you know standing up for yourself and saying like hey you can't talk to me like that.
I know you've talk to me like that, that subconsciously builds respect in the other person for you because you stood up for yourself.
We don't want to be yes men.
We want to have a spine.
We want to be our own individuals in relationships.
Have our own opinions.
Have our own preferences.
Have our own schedules.
Have our own priorities.
And if those are dictated by others because we just say yes to everything, then yeah, it's like, why would others respect us fully, right, because we're just kind of a parrot of whatever they say or do?
You know what I mean?
And so I think by being too selfless, you know, you end up in relationships where there isn't really a mutual respect, there isn't really a mutual sense of effort, and there's not like a healthy balance in relationships.
I mentioned this earlier, but another con of selflessness is potentially building resentment, if you're too selfless and you don't dedicate any time to being selfish, you'll end up building resentment towards your loved ones and towards the world, right, because you are neglected and neglect leads to negative emotions, right?
So, naturally, if you're not being selfish enough, you're gonna resent the people who are taking that time away from you in your eyes.
and that leads to withering friendships and relationships, that leads to a negative perspective on the world, and none of that is good.
And last but not least, I really do think that being too selfless can lead to mental instability.
Personally, I require certain things to keep myself mentally stable, right?
I need time to recharge alone.
I need time to do activities that are truly fun and enjoyable for me.
I need time to get my work done so that I feel ahead.
I need time to exercise.
There are things that I need to do to be mentally stable.
And if I am too selfless and I neglect those things that I need, I end up mentally unstable.
I end up depressed, anxious, irritable because all of my time was spent catering to others and I was left in the dust. And I don't have any time to do the stuff that recharges me it's so important to like, I think in order to recharge a lot of times we need to be selfish.
We need to, you know, there's very specific things that recharge us all as individuals and only we know what those things are, you know, and we have to make sure that we participate in those recharging activities otherwise we'll end up unstable and that is not a good vibe.
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by phone when you bring your number only at Metro five -year guarantee on eligible plans exclusion supply see website for details none available fat Metro with t -mobile in the past six months tax applies This episode is brought to you by factor optimize your nutrition this year with factor America's number one ready to eat meal service Factors fresh never frozen meals or dietitian approved ready to eat in just two minutes Choose from 40 weekly options across eight dietary preferences like calorie smart protein plus and keto eat smarter at factor meals So how does one find a balance?
You know, I really think it comes down to long -term fulfillment, not short -term emotions, but long -term fulfillment.
What decision is going to make life more fulfilling down the line?
What's going to create sustained fulfillment?
In a dilemma of, should I be selfish with my time right now?
Should I be selfless?
Ask yourself, which one of these activities is more important to participate in for my long -term fulfillment?
right I vaguely mentioned this earlier but I am very aware of what I need to feel fulfilled I need deep loving relationships with mutual feelings and effort involved I need to have a strong work ethic and I need to do work that I'm proud of I need to do things that make me feel physically good like exercise is really important to me making time to exercise like you know I do like a one hour walk every night and I like to go to yoga classes and it's like I have these things that are time consuming that make me feel physically good, which actually does make me feel fulfilled.
But the same thing goes for eating healthy foods that don't hurt my tummy, that energize me for my exercise, like that is very important for me, that's very fulfilling.
I need to consistently be doing creative activities and hobbies.
I need to make sure in my schedule I have time to do a watercolor, I have time to sit down at my sewing machine and sew something, I have time to use my button maker and make a little pin button or something, I have time to play my guitar, I have time to go to a fabric store and I have time to do these creative tasks.
But also I have time to relax and rest. Relaxation and resting really is crucial for me.
need time to lay in bed and stare at the ceiling because not only is that how I come up with ideas for things, work -related, problem -solving related whatever, but also because it feels good and it's peaceful and it leads to a fulfilling life for me like having those moments.
Without that my life is not as fulfilling as it could be.
Having fun you know going out to dinner, going on a road trip with friends, doing stuff that's just simply fun is so important to me.
Making memories and last but not least helping others as often as I can, whether it's like okay, I'm making a podcast. I'm telling a story about something that is maybe sort of comforting to others or is sort of a healthy form of distraction for them, maybe while they're driving or on a walk or whatever.
Or like, you know, maybe it's something like that or it's helping my community in some way, whether it's like direct or indirect, like helping a random person who like was walking in their heels and they tripped in their stuff went all over the floor and I'm helping them, that is also very important to me and is important for me in having a fulfilling life.
So, I know what I need to lead a fulfilling life.
And I think moving forward when I'm faced with these dilemmas, I'm going to choose the route that feels most neglected.
In the case of last weekend, where I had to choose between working and getting ahead and feeling less stress as a result?
Or, spending quality time with my loved ones?
I ultimately decided to spend quality time with my loved ones because I've dedicated a lot of time to work over the last few months.
And I wouldn't say that my relationships have suffered necessarily but you know, I haven't spent as much time with my loved ones as maybe I could've just because I've been so busy and they've been so busy as well but like, I've been so busy and I've been really focused.
And I think, you know, my ultimate conclusion was, I have already put enough of my effort towards the work portion of my life.
My relationships have not gotten nearly as much attention.
I should probably choose that.
And so I guess that's sort of the answer then.
It's less about being selfish versus selfless in more about you know having a list of things, you know they can fall under the category of selfless or selfish that make you ultimately fulfilled in your life.
And being aware of what those things are so that you can make educated choices on what to do with your time, based on what's getting neglected, what's not.
Let's go through some examples actually, maybe this will help further explain my point.
Let me think of an example.
Let's say I'm choosing between going to a workout class or getting coffee with a friend.
I might ask myself then, how often do I see this friend?
How much am I craving this workout class?
Like how much do I need it?
Sometimes there's like nothing more that I need than just like to go to a workout class and sweat and be distracted.
Like sometimes that's just what I need, maybe because I haven't worked out a bit or because I'm just stressed and I want to blow off steam.
Depending on what the answers to those questions are, if I hang out with that friend a lot, I see that friend multiple times a week.
Okay. I think it's okay to be like, you know what?
I can't do coffee this week.
I have to go to this, I have to go to this workout class.
Like you can come with me if you want but like I need to do this workout class.
On the other hand, if you go to that workout class every day and you see your friend once every six months, yeah, you should go and see the friend.
Another example, let's say someone's choosing between going on a date with their significant other or dedicating the weekend to a personal project.
What questions should this person ask to themselves?
How strong is their romantic relationship right now?
Are they kind of on the rocks?
Are things kind of uncomfortable or are things incredible and they are spending a lot of time together and everything's going delightfully?
And how important is this personal project?
Is it possible to work on the project and go on this date?
You know, why does this personal project need to be worked on at the same time that the date would be happening?
And depending on the answer, this person should act accordingly.
This person is fictional.
They do not exist. But I think if the answer is the relationship's on the rocks and I'd much rather just work on this project just so that I don't have to face my struggling relationship." You need to go on the date, you know what I mean?
Or, you need to have a conversation and break up.
On the other hand, if things are going really beautifully in your relationship and amazing, and you don't have any other time to work on this project, work on the project.
I think your significant other will understand.
One more example, let's say you have a weekend off and you have nothing on the schedule.
Okay, you can do anything with your time, You have a full weekend off, and you're choosing between spending the weekend at home, watching movies, eating, relaxing, maybe sitting by the pool if you have a pool like that vibe or volunteering at an animal shelter.
This person should ask themself, okay, how long has it been since I had a full weekend to just chill at home.
They should also ask themselves, when was the last time I did something for my community?
Whether it's casually helping somebody in public randomly or you know helping a friend with something or you know volunteering or whatever.
When was the last time I helped somebody?
And let's say the answer to the first question is, I had a weekend like this last weekend actually.
Okay maybe then you should volunteer.
Let's say the answer is, I haven't had a weekend like this in a year.
It's been a year since I've had a weekend like this.
I'd feel really good if I went and helped others with my time, but at the same time, I would just love to have a weekend to fully chill.
That's okay. It's not wrong to just chill sometimes.
Fair enough. But if the answer to the question, when was the last time you volunteered or helped somebody out or whatever is like, ooh, it's been, I don't even know.
Okay, maybe then you could sacrifice a few hours of your weekend off to go be helpful out there in this world, you know?
Go volunteer. But if the answer is, I helped somebody yesterday and I volunteered two months ago, it's like, okay, then you're fine.
You know what I mean?
It's tough, it's tough.
I have a feeling I'll experience this dilemma again, but you know, I think through this conversation I learned a lot and hopefully next time I'll have less of a mental breakdown about it.
Anyway, that's it for today.
That's all I got. That's all she wrote.
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Check it out. I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
Thank you for listening and hanging out.
It's always an absolute pleasure and a mode of self discovery for me as well as hopefully you.
But I can't guarantee that.
All I can guarantee is that it's self discovery for me.
And you know what? I'm happy with that.
Yeah, all right. I love you all and I'll talk to you in a few days.
Bye.
