I've got a difficult conversation I want to have with someone and they might be a narcissist.
So let's stop there, because if you just blatantly label somebody as being a narcissist, you're not going to be able to really understand who this person is and why they are the way they are.
But when you need to go into a dark conversation?
To make things simple, there are four things that you can do, because we all have those conversations.
We have a supervisor who we feel is overlooking us in a promotion.
Maybe our spouse.
We got in a fight with your friend who's betrayed us, and they're cloaked in so much emotion or so much tension that you don't know how to handle that.
But there's also three things that you should stop doing, such as stop telling people you understand.
Telling them you understand yep, why.
This is what we're going to talk about.
For over 30 years, former secret service agent desmond o'neill has used science-backed interrogation techniques against some of the world's biggest liars.
He's trained elite teams from the fbi to the cia, and now, in his first public conversation, he's laying out the frameworks you need to communicate effectively how to lead and how to get anyone to open up when it comes to being able to communicate with somebody.
The victory lies in the little things that you do.
So you need to have a plan.
P is for purpose.
So why are you there?
What is the goal of the conversation?
Because especially in emotional conversations, it becomes really easy to get distracted.
And if you lose your cool...
You lose control.
And then there's the A is ask.
Because most of us think we know what our partner is thinking, right?
But the research shows we're only accurate about 40% of the time.
And if that conversation gets emotional, that 40% can go down as low as 15.
It's called empathy accuracy.
And so the power of asking questions is important.
But when you fail to do that, you are going to have a really hard time having a deep conversation, honest relationship with somebody.
And then there's the l in the end, which most people do wrong, and we'll go into that.
And then what about body language?
Can you tell if i'm being deceptive by how much i look at someone?
So there's a few indicators of somebody telling the truth, and we'll talk about them.
And what about leadership principles?
So i learned the true essence of leadership when i was on a SWAT team from situations like when you're hunting someone and they're hunting you as well.
So let's get into the details.
Just give me 30 seconds of your time, two things i wanted to say.
The first thing is a huge thank you for listening and tuning into the show week after week means the world to all of us, and this really is a dream that we absolutely never had and couldn't have imagined.
Getting to this place.
But secondly, it's a dream where we feel like we're only just getting started and if you enjoy what we do here, please join the 24 percent of people that listen to this podcast regularly and follow us on this app.
Here's a promise I'm going to make to you.
I'm going to do everything in my power to make this show as good as I can now and into the future.
We're going to deliver the guests that you want me to speak to and we're going to continue to keep doing all of the things you love about this show.
Thank you.
Desmond O'Neill.
For those people that have just clicked onto this conversation.
What are they going to walk away from our discussion with?
So I've been a law enforcement for 30 years, and I've served a lot of different roles in that.
And above everything else, one thing that I've learned is when stress is high, when emotions are strong, when it matters, how do you authentically connect and communicate with somebody else?
There's something to be said about when a conversation is easy, right?
When it's fun.
When everybody wants to be there, you can focus on your handshake.
You can focus on the eye contact, how great your posture is.
What about the dark conversations?
What about those conversations that kind of?
They live in the shadows of your mind because you don't want to face them.
You don't want to have those, right?
They're cloaked in so much emotion or so much tension that you just you don't know how to handle that.
We all have that, right?
We have a supervisor who we feel is overlooking us in a promotion.
We have You know, a family member who we feel that we're just no longer getting along with.
Maybe our spouse we got in a fight with.
Maybe a friend who's betrayed us.
So how do you have that conversation?
Like, what does that look like?
Because it comes from you know, for the 30 years that I've been doing this, most of the people that I talked to didn't want to talk to me.
And my job was to connect with them, to find a way to get them to open up, to find a way to have some type of understanding and get the information that I needed.
So this is not about interviewing or interrogation.
This is human connection.
If your audience cares to understand how to have a dark conversation where you can deepen that relationship or at least come to some type of understanding or at the very least not walk away ruminating on everything you said, trying to figure out what went wrong, what could you have done different.
If you've had that and you're interested in knowing, then this is where we're going to talk about that.
And to summarize in, I guess, 30 seconds why you're the guy that is best placed to deliver this information.
What are the reference points, the experiences, the variety of experience you've had.
That feeds into the answers and the actionable advice you're going to give my audience.
My initial career started as a corrections officer.
I became a police officer and I was a SWAT officer as well.
From there, I went to the federal government.
So I went to the Secret Service.
With the Secret Service, I also started a polygraph career.
So now I have people that are giving me their deepest, darkest secrets.
And just for context, polygraphing is a lie detection test.
Polygraph is a lie detection test.
So it gives you a psychological or a physiological response in terms of how somebody answers a particular question.
Where else did your career take you after that point?
I went into internal affairs.
And so that is now policing the people within our organization.
So now I'm talking to men and women who have had some of my interrogation training.
They kind of know the questioning going on.
They know the interaction.
They've done themselves interviews and interrogations.
Oh, okay.
So this is law enforcement officers who have committed a crime or some kind of misconduct issue or been reported for something.
And your job is to investigate them.
Yes.
But think about that for a minute.
Like you are now talking to somebody else who you know, maybe a year ago you were out in the street doing work with, and now you're asking them these questions or these for clarification on some type of allegation.
You gotta be, you gotta be mindful with that.
Like that's a big deal.
And the interview methods that were prevalent at that time, you felt were outdated.
They were.
So there is, in the US, there's a very historical evolution of interview and interrogation.
You know, it started in the 1900s when policing came in.
In that circumstance, it was physical abuse.
They called it the third degree, where you would go in and you know people would grind down your teeth or they would cause pain for you to talk to them.
As we've evolved... as a society that started to go away in lieu of psychological manipulation.
So it was less about hands-on and more about trying to get people to talk to you from a psychological perspective.
And right about 2014, when I went into internal affairs, I was like Steven, I was like I just there's gotta be something different.
Like we've had to evolve in some way in terms of what that is.
And so you know, you have my thesis there, right?
Right about that time, I was accepted into the Naval Postgraduate School to pursue a master's.
And because I was looking for a better way to interview one of my thesis advisors said hey, have you ever heard of the High Value Detainee Interrogation Group, which the acronym is HIG?
Had never heard of it.
But the HIG, when it was created, was three-pronged, meaning that it had a a research department right.
It then had a practitioner department, so the people that would do the interrogations, and then it had a trainer department.
Now the trainer department.
We would do interviews interrogations, but we also understood the science behind that.
The reason that's important is because you could be a really good practitioner and not understand why something is or isn't working.
And so being able to cross the bridge between The science and understanding that and being able to apply it in the room, that hybrid, that connection, that sweet spot, that is what I did.
So you did research and you continue to do research on how to get people to give information, how to get information from people, how to get them to offer up information.
Is that the crux of it?
Yeah.
So if I'm, you know, I've got a difficult conversation I want to have with someone.
This person is antagonistic.
They often gaslight me.
They might be a narcissist.
And I'm walking into that conversation or I'm overthinking it.
I'm thinking, God, I need to have this conversation.
Where's the first place to start?
So the first place that I would start is don't label the people how you just label them.
Okay.
And that's a problem.
So you just labeled somebody a narcissist.
Why does that matter to you?
I think it allows me to blame them, I guess.
But tell me in your perspective, what's a narcissist?
That they are, they are low empathy.
They are self-centered.
They are a little bit aggressive, maybe.
Okay.
So let's stop there.
Do you think personally that there are times in your life where you lack empathy?
Yeah.
Okay.
So empathy is very situationally based.
So meaning that it's also subjective meaning if you feel this person is not giving you certain empathy.
Okay, maybe um a bit self-centered, a bit aggressive.
The reason I ask you these things is because if you just blatantly label somebody as being like, this person's a narcissist, you've just made it easy for yourself.
You've just put blame on them.
And you're not going to be able to really understand who this person is and why they are the way they are.
So the first thing that I would do is I would take away the labels as how you define them.
As you're going into that,
What was the other thing you said in terms of what they were?
They were narcissists.
They were something else.
Um, they gaslight.
So second thing, which is interesting, because we actually, within our training program, we just did a big class on gaslighting, because it's important to understand what is gaslighting and what.
When is it not gaslighting?
So for you, because you said, this person gaslights you, what is, what are they gaslighting you about?
Um, when i bring something up, they make me feel like I'm to blame.
When I bring up how I feel, maybe they make me feel like I'm to blame, like I did something wrong.
Okay.
Does that always happen?
More often than not.
Okay.
More often than not.
So it's something that it sounds like that when you go in and you're talking to this different person whatever the circumstances is they are they're trying to discredit you or make you feel like maybe you don't know really what happened.
They're not listening.
They're just always throwing it back on me saying that I did something to deserve it.
And what was the third thing you said? a little bit like aggressive, antagonistic.
So their emotions go up and it kind of makes me shut down.
They kind of flood the zone.
So, when you need to go into a dark conversation, here are the four things that you can do to stay engaged and involved in what's about to happen.
Right,
And how this is going to hopefully go through.
And what we say is you need to have a plan.
And there's the acronym about that, P, right?
L-A-N.
So the P is for purpose.
And the purpose is why are you there?
What's the reason?
What's the mission?
You have to understand your mission because your mission is going to drive your tactics.
Your mission is going to determine if things get off track.
If this person becomes aggressive, this person starts to be insulting.
If my mission at that moment is to deepen my conversation with them, deepen my relationship in some way, and this starts to get ugly in the.
Your mission should keep you on track, because you can get pulled from that very quickly.
There's something called multiple goals theory.
And multiple goals.
Theory is the understanding that at any given time, we will pursue simultaneous goals.
And typically those goals would be something task oriented.
You know, I want to finish a task and I want to get something done.
There's going to be a component of identity in there, meaning that how do I feel and what are my emotions going on during the course of this?
And then there's gonna be relational.
So it's gonna be my relationship with this person at the time.
Now, a lot of times within multiple goals theory, those things can align.
So, and I'll give you an example.
Like if you're playing a sport, you're on a team.
The team goal, your goal.
Within that team, the task is to win, to put on more points than the other person.
That's the task.
The identity aspect of that is, Am I a good player?
Do I want the ball?
Do I get the ball?
Am I contributing?
Am I the superstar?
Is there some type of identity in how this makes me feel about myself being a sports star in some capacity?
And the relationship part of that is, how do my teammates feel about me?
Am I a good teammate in terms of what that was?
Those things can align.
You can see when that is misaligned when all of a sudden somebody, what they would call a ball hog, somebody who takes the shot all the time and they won't pass it around.
And you're like, what are you doing?
Right.
And it's one of these things where, like you, are more concerned about your identity than you are about the team winning.
That's a problem.
That's when you can see there's a misalignment of goals, or something that's even more simple would be, let's say, you're in a meeting with a boss or a colleague and it's a pretty important meeting.
You're, you're trying to close a deal and your boss says something that's wrong.
Now, you have to make a decision.
You could either correct your boss in front of everybody, or you could preserve his or her dignity and address them at a later time.
You have to decide which one of those is most important.
You have to understand your purpose of being in that meeting because maybe I could let this go.
It's not that big of a deal because if I correct my boss, this may affect my relationship with them at a later time.
This could ruin my career in terms of being transferred or not being on a project.
So when you're looking at goals you have to understand what the overall objective is.
It becomes steven.
It becomes especially in emotional conversations.
It becomes really easy to to get distracted, really easy.
So i go into that conversation with my colleague who is problematic.
My goal with them, let's say, is to get them to stop.
I'm actually thinking about earlier in my career when i used to work in call centers on the phone and um, There was one particular lady that sat next to me that was always a little bit rude and always put me down a little bit but patronizing.
So I, in hindsight, wish I could have you know taken her aside and had a conversation with her and said listen, the way you're speaking to me is very disrespectful, or you're putting me down or patronizing me.
Please, can you stop doing that?
My goal would have been to get her to stop.
It is to get her to do that.
But the crux of that is to understand why she's doing it, because that's going to allow me to Fix this in some way, if it's fixable.
I'll share this story with you.
In 1991, an 11-year-old girl named J.C.
Dugard was kidnapped by a man named Philip Garrido and his wife Nancy.
And Philip and Nancy kept J.C.
Dugard for 18 years.
He fathered two children with her, one when she was 14 and one when she was 17.
And in 2009—
They found her and him at Berkeley.
They arrested him, arrested his wife.
2011, he was tried, convicted.
Three years prior to that, there was a young girl named Michaela Garrett who had gone missing, never been found, in a county over west of El Dorado, in a county named Alameda County.
There was a lot of suspicion that Philip was the one who did this as well.
And one of my colleagues was the prosecuting attorney for El Dorado County, California.
His name is Vern Pearson.
And Vern said, I'd like to close this or get some type of understanding.
Can you go and interview Philip?
So I looked at all the information on Philip.
He had written a manifesto in terms of how to cure pedophilia.
And I went to Vern.
I said, all right, let's go do this.
And he goes, what do you need, like a day, a couple of hours?
And I said, I need four days.
And my goal was to do a deep dive into the things that he had done.
He was a serial rapist, a serial kidnapper, and to understand his life in the timeframe by which Michaela Garrett went missing.
And so this was the evolution of what I was trying to do.
So I show up, he walks in, says, who are you?
I said, well, I'm Special Agent O'Neill.
I'd like to talk to you about your history.
I read your manifesto and I had some questions.
And he said-
You know, when they told me I had a visitor, he goes, I wasn't going to come in.
He goes, but the angels on my shoulder tell me that this would be a good talk.
So he said, let's do it.
We talked in detail every day for probably eight to nine hours.
They brought him food.
And the end of each day, I would say, Philip, I will be here tomorrow.
If the angels on your shoulder tell you to show up, please do.
If not, then it was nice to meet you.
And every day he showed up.
Why did you say that?
There's a depth of understanding in terms of the headspace that he is in.
And so when you can connect, like genuinely connect with that, you truly try to understand another person and there's power with that.
In the course of those 36 hours, multiple times, he was very aggressive.
He was very condescending.
He called me a liar.
Things he accused me of, you know, I don't believe you are who you say you are.
I don't believe you're here for the things you're saying you're here for.
I don't even know if you work for the federal government.
And he's essentially questioned my integrity.
Now, my purpose is not to make him feel that I'm smarter than him, is not to belittle or berate him or have a question of integrity, because I could have said you kidnapped me, an 11-year-old girl, and kept her captive for 18 years, fathered two children with her, the first one at the age of 14.
And your question, am I integrity?
I didn't do that because that's not why I was there.
And so, despite the fact that he got upset, despite the fact that he called me and accused me of all these different things, I stayed on my purpose.
I stayed on my mission.
And when we were done, when we finished, I went back to the prosecuting attorney and said he's not your guy.
And he said, are you sure?
And I said, I bet my career on it.
How did you know?
There's a lot of things in regards to when you're looking at people from the perspective of telling the truth, in terms of the way that they talk and engage with you.
Our conversation on Tuesday and our conversation on Wednesday and our conversation on Thursday and our conversation on Friday all stayed very consistent.
If I'm asking him for further clarification, he's providing for further clarification.
If I'm talking to him about you know something and there's some type of spontaneous correction where he's like wait a minute, this happened before this.
Those are indicators of truth.
And if there are things that you know he talks about in terms of like, things that are of complication nobody's day goes perfect.
And you know, there were many times when he was telling me about the things he had done, because you know he was A serial rapist, you know, and a serial, you know, kidnapper.
And he would drive around and pick up women and hitchhiking and he would you know, rape them and let them go.
Oftentimes we would get into the details of like when those didn't go well, right?
And when all of a sudden the girl would fight him off and run away.
And so there was all these different complications and different things that he would talk about.
He handled the complications consistently is what you're saying.
When complications are introduced to a story, right?
People who lie don't do that.
Right.
It's truth tellers will often do that because it's just like this is just what happened.
Like these are the things that happened.
This is my life in terms of where things were going to go.
Overall in terms of how that conversation went.
There are those type of indicators that just made it trend more truthful than not.
Like there wasn't this big gap or this big weird moment when we're talking about Michaela Garrett to where, all of a sudden, it's like missing pieces that I have to put in there.
There are no cues to deception.
There are things that all of a sudden seem different and require you to do more questions, more asking, but that didn't occur around the time that we were looking for with that.
So we finally, when we finished, and then they went back and they looked at the evidence, they found a new fingerprint and were able to charge and convict the person who did that.
The reason I bring all of that up is because, for the purpose aspects of what we're talking about not losing sight of what your mission is being focused in terms of what that is, the power of communication and staying online, as it relates to what you want to accomplish, is really powerful because it keeps you on track and it keeps you engaged and reminds you of why you're there.
Not every relationship deserves that.
Like there's just some relationships you're like, this just isn't worth it for me.
If it matters to you, that mattered to me.
It mattered to me not because for me, It mattered to me before that family.
And there is a difference between having a profession and being a professional.
Having a profession is what you do.
Being a professional is the culmination of everything that you've done at that moment, at that time, for a specific purpose.
And that's what I had to bring in with that because that was what was at stake with us.
So you have – these four cards in front of you.
We've done the P, which is staying focused on your purpose.
When you go into a conversation, to fend off the emotion which might distort you and take you off.
And I'm so guilty of that.
Everybody is.
So guilty of that, especially with, like you know, conversations with my partner where there's emotion involved in this areas, where you know blame might be prevalent.
So the L that you have there.
So the L is, listen, This becomes the thing that people are worst at because it's a lot to do.
Think about right now.
Think about my conversation with you at this moment.
I'm speaking.
So internally, my internal vocabulary and the conversation that I'm having in my head is running about 800 to 1000 words a minute.
I'm speaking to you in about 120 to 150 words a minute.
There's a lot that's being edited.
There's a lot of things that I think that I'm saying or I want to say.
I'm trying to engage with you.
There's also something called theory of mind, which is me watching you and trying to understand.
Is what I'm saying on point with what Steven wants to hear or wants to hear for his audience?
Do I need to change anything?
Is this landing on him?
And then if your nonverbal is changing, your verbal is changed, then I have to readjust.
Maybe what I'm editing and And my theory of mind will readjust too, because I'm like oh, I just lost him here.
I have to readjust.
Simultaneously, you are listening to me and you're listening to the 120 to 150 words I'm giving you, but your brain can process this at like 400 to 600 words per minute.
So you have too much cognitive bandwidth.
You have the ability to Listen to me and then do multiple other things, which is oftentimes why people will drift out, or you'll start thinking of something else, or you'll think of your notepad, because you got it.
You got it figured out.
And this is when it becomes really easy to be convinced.
And not curious, because you're like I kind of know where this is going.
And so you check out.
So you actually have to do something called cognitive inhibition.
You have to kind of narrow that bandwidth to stay fully engaged with me.
That's why when you hear people say like active listening, it's hard.
It's hard to do because you have to be attentive to the other person.
You have to listen.
You have to look.
You have to pick up their verbal and their nonverbal behavior.
And then you have to do something with that.
Stephen Covey says most people don't listen with the intent to understand.
They listen with the intent to reply.
And if you are simply just waiting for your turn to talk, then you and I are not, are not connecting.
Controlling conversation comes from listening, not talking.
So if I'm trying to get some information out of someone, I should have a bias towards just letting them speak at me.
You should.
You know, you hear about this, like always let the other person talk more.
That's great.
But if both people are doing that, then the conversation is not progressing.
The conversation is an extension of what you and I are speaking with.
And when we've gone from listening in terms of what that looks like, the next thing you have to do, which gets into this is the A, which is which is ask right.
So, the A being this if you are paying attention to me and you're picking up on things that I'm saying the changes in my body language and there's something you don't understand, you need to ask.
This is where you're going to deepen the conversation.
This is where you show somebody that you're active listening, you're curious and you're open and you're trying to understand them.
If you look at empathy research, we typically think that we can understand our significant other or different people at a much higher level than we actually do.
For a stranger, it's called empathy accuracy.
For a stranger, your ability to understand their headspace is like 20%.
For a friend, somebody close to you, it's like 30.
For your significant other it's no higher than 40, which means that, despite you thinking that you know what she's thinking, you got a four out of 10 chance of being right.
And if that conversation gets emotional, that 40 can go down as low as 15 because you start to pull in to be like I'm guarding myself here.
I'm guarding my ego.
When your ego is on the line, your ears go offline because you stop hearing what she's having to say and you start protecting yourself in terms of what you're trying to do.
So your ability to be empathetic when things are hard becomes harder.
And you have to be very mindful of that.
Let's say you come home from an early morning workout and your spouse says, hey, Steven, how was it?
And you say, that's pretty tough.
There's a lot that you can do with that.
This is what she could do.
She could say nothing.
So now maybe you understand that maybe she doesn't want to talk about this or she's not interested in it.
That's one.
The second thing she could say to you would be like well sweetheart, that's why you look the way you do.
She has now made the assumption, right her empathy, accuracy that she knows what you meant by the word tough.
And so if she says to you well, that's how you look and that's not what you meant, now you feel that there's a separation between what you're hoping she would pick up on and what she actually said.
The third thing she could say would be like, what do you mean by tough?
Because the ambiguity of that is the word tough.
Who knows what that means?
It could be a lot of different things.
She's now showing you, I'm into you.
I'm tuning in.
In the power of something like that when you talk about deepening relationships and increasing that connection.
That's how it happens.
The same thing with your nonverbal behavior, right?
You look at nonverbal behavior, 66% of what we give is nonverbal.
And so if I, through the course of my conversation with you, if all of a sudden we're talking and you're just like ah.
Folding my arms.
So folding your arms could be a sign of just you're folding your arms.
It could be a sign of you not liking my question if you roll your eyes.
So if I see that and it matters to me, then I need to say something to the effect of it seems like versus I think, because I think is the pronoun saying it's about me.
And it's just like, I don't care what you think.
It seems like what you just did maybe was because you didn't like what I had to say, because I saw you cross your arms and roll your eyes.
Do I have that right?
So now you have a choice where you can either say yes, you got that right for these reasons, or no, I just followed them because I was comfortable and whatever the case may be,
But it is a matter.
If I see you and it's in harmony with the conversation that we were having, that seems like it's something that shows that it could be potentially a problem.
I need to ask about it.
You and I having a conversation right now and you folding your arms isn't going to be like a red flag that I'm like oh, I just saw you folded your arms when I said that.
But if it's something, that there's some emotion laid around, that and it's important.
And I'm trying to express something to you when I see you roll your eyes or cross your arms.
Hey Stephen, I noticed when I brought up this thing about our family, you kind of leaned back and crossed your arms and rolled your eyes.
It seems like you didn't approve of that.
Do I have that right?
So now it's on you to explain that or not.
On this point of body language.
As someone that sits here and, I guess, interviews people for like four or five hours at a time, sometimes Over the last five years, I have come to learn certain body language patterns in my guests.
Okay.
One of the most obvious ones is when I ask the guest a question that is causing them some potential discomfort in some way.
And when I say discomfort, I should probably define that as maybe it's a difficult question, for whatever reason.
What I tend to see is I tend to see them cross their arms.
Okay.
That's like a really consistent pattern.
It's almost as if they're telling me that this is a little bit difficult.
And it holds to be true.
Do you ask them?
I noticed when you crossed your arms.
You know when I asked you that question.
Is it something with this question that bothered you?
Or do you just let it go?
I let it go, but they've already told me.
Okay.
So I don't need to ask them because I now know that there's something there where there's emotion.
Sure.
It's kind of the way that I see it.
It's what it is.
More than likely, it's what it is.
And I think there's power to that because your perception, right?
So you bring this back like your pattern, recognition of all the guests that you've done and the association or the connection of that in terms of the question that you ask, and they cross your arms like that's where that comes from.
That's where that, all of a sudden, that thing where you're just like I feel it, but I don't really know it.
It's just like you don't know that to be the case because it could be a number of different things.
But because of the pattern recognition you see in all the time, that gives you the chance to say and this is.
There's some emotion here.
So either engage it or tread lightly, depending on which way you want to go.
Yeah.
And that's what happens.
So instead of saying like, you know, why, why did you cross your arms?
I will ask them potentially how, how that memory makes them feel.
They feel about that.
And, and that tends to be, it's just, it's so.
You know, cause people always talk, you know they say does body language matter?
Does it count for anything?
Can you interpret someone's body language to understand if they're telling you the truth?
Is any of this stuff true in your view?
No.
You should look at body language because it is a language in terms of what somebody is showing you.
You look at body language and if you see something that is a change, just like the crossing of your arms, then you need to be curious about it.
So it's really about a change in state.
It's a change of what somebody is doing and the timing of that.
So you just said, like when I ask something that is personal or emotional, they'll talk about it.
They'll cross their arms, because maybe it's just now, like the psychological thing where I want to guard myself a little bit.
Maybe I want to kind of close up a little bit.
Who knows?
But if it's something where you're just like I noticed it and you don't need to use it, like you could ask them if you wanted to, but you're just like oh, they already told me, so I don't need it.
But for anybody else, if you see that and you're talking and somebody crosses their arms, Don't just assume that's what it is.
Because if you assume and you're wrong, you're going down the wrong track.
And so, throughout this framework for having hard conversations, we've covered the P, which is stick to your purpose, the L, which is listen, the A, which is to ask.
Ask.
Is there anything else in the framework?
The N, which is the next steps.
So...
To have a plan means to understand all of these different things and the way that you approach that.
And the next steps is, how do you want to resolve this?
Like, what's the end goal with this?
Is there anything that I can do that we can you know further our relationship where both you and I can be in alignment?
Do you ask them?
Would you propose?
I would always ask them.
If I'm engaged, right?
So perhaps let's go back to the The conversation that you may have with, you know, this individual, you're just like, this person's a narcissist and so forth.
If you're engaging them and you're the one who wants to really have this conversation and you're hoping that you can find some type of resolution, you have to ask if there's resolution with that.
So something to the effect of do you think that you and I can find an amicable way forward where, when you and I engage, you know we can really enjoy each other's time and this thing not go bad?
Like, do you see that in our future at all?
Yes or no.
And then it's either, yes.
Okay.
What does that look like for us?
Like, how do we have that?
Because I am.
I'm having this conversation with you because my relationship with you matters, but there are things that happen within that are that are frustrating and that caused me not to really want to engage.
I do want to find a way to do that because that is most important to me.
How best do we do that?
There is no magic bullet by which makes everything, every conversation go perfect.
There's none.
You are, you are part of that conversation and, The other person is part of that conversation.
You have your perspective.
They have their perspective.
You have what you think is right or think is fair.
Fairness is subjective because what you think is fair just means what you think is fair.
And so the hardest part is to walk away and feeling like there should have done more you can do.
The power becomes knowing how to address that.
And if it doesn't go right, then you walk away and be like, you know what?
It just didn't go right.
And I'm okay with that.
What if they start insulting you in the conversation?
Okay.
What's your purpose of being in the conversation?
I'm trying to get them to stop being so rude to me when we're on the same bank of telephones at the call center.
So it is a matter of if she's being rude to you, it's addressing that at the moment, right?
You know I noticed that we're having this conversation that you're being really aggressive, really rude and really condescending.
So you call it out?
Yeah.
Yeah. be very specific in terms of what it is.
Like you know if she, if she calls you and she uses you, know she calls you a name or whatever the case may be.
Like you know what you're being rude.
And she's just like, what did I do?
And you're like, you're just being rude.
That's not helpful.
Like give her the context by which you feel that she's being rude, because maybe she does something outside of a name where you're like you're being rude.
And maybe to her, that's not rudeness.
Maybe it's her directness.
Right.
But if she's like, you know what, you're Steven, you're just an asshole or whatever the case may be.
And I would say, hey, it seems like right now, you're very condescending.
You've called me a name to include an asshole.
Can you explain to me specifically right now why that is?
And make her back it up.
Make her explain to you what it is.
Is there something about me you don't like?
Is there something about my work ethic that you don't like?
Or maybe the way that I'm doing this?
You've been here longer than me.
So is perhaps there's something else that I'm doing or not doing that you think is wrong, because I am not understanding your anger and your venom and your need to insult me.
And I would really try to understand what that is.
So you're having a very direct conversation with her, very specific to what she's saying.
It does not mean that that's going to fix it.
She could just be an asshole.
And it's one of those things where you have to be like, I am going to address this.
I'm not going to return in kindness.
I don't have to turn into that person as well.
I can walk away from that conversation and be like, you know what?
I handled that the best I could.
Doesn't mean it's going to fix it.
Are there any tactics that interrogators are taught or that you teach interrogators for keeping your emotions in check?
Because you know we go into those conversations.
Someone calls you an asshole, your cortisol starts spiking, you get into your amygdala, you get stressed, you get emotional.
You end up calling them an asshole back.
But is there, I don't know, is there breath work?
What did interrogators get taught?
In the heat of the moment, at that time, you have no time to do breath work.
This is real time stuff in terms of what you're trying to do.
If you go in and you understand your purpose and again I don't mean to go back to the plan, but what happens is you become, you can be pulled out very quickly.
And all of a sudden, if you are trying to get information from somebody.
And one of their strategies because they maybe don't want to give you information one of their strategies is to insult you.
And now you're insulting them back.
One, you're not going to get anything.
Two, you fell under their strategy.
So what you have to do is you have to address that.
I am something to the effect of I see that when I asked you that and all of a sudden, like it seems like there's a change in our relationship to where now you're being really aggressive.
Why is that?
So you're continually calling it out.
Yes, because I am asking you to back up your emotions.
Because if it's BS, if you're just doing that because you're trying to hide the ball someplace else, I'm going to call you out on it.
It's also showing me that I am not afraid to confront this type of behavior.
And I'm seeing it.
And I am really trying to engage with you in a very amicable, genuine way.
And if you are going to treat me a certain way, I am going to understand what it is.
You're also showing that you're not doing it in kind.
Is part of this showing that you're strong?
It's less about being strong and more about being competent and confident in what you're doing.
Because if you allow in anybody, not just an interrogation room, in any conversation, if you lose your cool, you lose control.
You have to be mindful of that.
I was overseeing an internal affairs interview and I was going to go in and talk to this person at the end.
I was thinking about doing a polygraph with them.
But before that was going to happen, the case agent, the person who had the investigation, was talking to the subject.
It was a road rage incident where this agent had been accused of road rage and pulling his gun out on a civilian.
So this was the conversation they were that they were having.
And I'm listening to this in an interview room, right?
And in terms of like a two-way, two-way mirror.
And the subject is very aggressive.
He's very angry.
And he's very angry to the point of like.
He's like I don't know why you don't believe me with this.
I keep telling you these things and you keep asking me the same questions.
I think this is a bunch of BS.
The investigator comes back and he's just like, because I think you're a liar.
And he You're not telling me the truth in terms of what it is.
And you're causing us to be in this room a lot longer.
And this is a problem.
So now they're both yelling at each other, like yelling at each other.
And it was one of these things where I'm watching this unfold.
And it wasn't the subject's job to maintain his composure.
It was the investigators.
Because his goal is not to belittle this other agent.
His goal was to find out did this or did this not happen?
And he lost sight of that.
And he came out of the room to me and he's like, what do you think?
And I'm like, well, I'm not going to polygraph him.
I mean, this guy's so emotional right now.
Like that's not going to happen.
And he goes, you know what?
This guy's just an asshole anyway.
And I'm like, I don't think he's the asshole in the room.
The other guy was the asshole in the room because he allowed himself to get pulled out of what he should have been doing, because now he wanted to have the game of who's the bigger jerk in the room.
You can do it.
And again, if you want to burn that bridge, burn it.
But if you want to maintain a relationship, or you want to maintain your profession or you are trying to get to some resolution, you cannot lose your cool.
I guess that's what it comes down to is, most of the time we're not clear on the goal.
Going into the conversation.
So we have nothing to be anchored to.
So it's just like getting into the washing machine.
Absolutely what it is.
We just spin around and around and around.
It's absolutely.
Absolutely. walk away with a nice relationship.
And the power really comes from.
If this person is insulting you and they're angry and they're doing these things and you're sitting there and you're asking good questions, you're keeping your composure.
There is a lot of power with that.
And I mean power in a way that shows like I'm in control of myself.
I am well aware of what's going on as this relationship and this conversation is happening.
I am not going to fall into this because this matters to me in terms of this other thing.
I've heard you say that you think people suffer from me, me, me syndrome.
What does that mean?
So the me, me, me syndrome is everything.
Everything is about me, right?
I mean, it seems obvious with that, but like you can even look at things from like a cultural perspective,
You can look at like here.
You know, in the US and Western civilizations like we are, primarily like a dignity culture.
Well, we are, it's all about us, right?
It's all about that internal feeling that we have.
And so everything is predicated on our job, our success, the things that we do.
The external world doesn't really matter in terms of our success or failure.
So a lot of it is what is in your headspace and how do you manage that?
Because The problem that I see and what I think comes with in communication is we do a lot of self-reflection.
We rarely do a lot of outward reflection on the other person.
Some of the best negotiators there will spend more than half of their time thinking about somebody else.
So a very personal story.
When I was 21, my father passed away.
And he had been battling cancer for three years.
And so when he passed away, I have four siblings and my mom was there.
So when he passed away, he passed away at home and all five of us were there.
Several years later, I'm having this conversation on the day that my dad died, about the day that my dad died.
I'm having this with my sister and my three younger brothers.
And we're talking about where we were and so forth.
And my sister says, yeah, I can't watch The Simpsons anymore. without thinking of dad.
And I said, what do you mean?
She's like, well, the TV was there and the Simpsons were on.
And she's like, I always just remember that.
And I was like, there's a TV in the room?
She's like, you don't remember a TV being in the room?
And I'm like, I have absolutely not.
I have no idea that there was a TV in the room.
I didn't code it.
That wasn't the thing that was important.
Her perspective and the way that she saw that moment affected her differently than everybody else in that room.
And so to go back to the me me me, when you fail to take in consideration that other people have other experiences based on how they pick up the world, how they do things in the world, and you think that it's just about you, you are going to have a really hard time having a deep honest, connective relationship with somebody if it's just about you.
You can do it.
And a lot of people do it.
They're looking for that way to make people drawn to them and make people connect to them.
And that's fine.
But if you are trying to – I guess Stephen, if you just want to be like a genuine person and you want to have a relationship, don't make it about you.
I've just finished writing my third book.
I haven't firmed up the title yet, but I have started mocking up some different designs.
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Just head over to adobe.ly.com I was thinking this earlier.
I was thinking.
One of the things in this podcast that I've learned is if I want to increase the probability that someone opens up and tells me something, one of the things I do is I share myself.
Yeah.
So, you know, I might be asking someone about their childhood.
And it's quite clear to me now that one of the ways especially if they end up crossing their arms and get up uncomfortable
Yeah. is just to pause for a second and share my own childhood.
So if I've identified that one of your values is I don't know you want to be a good family man.
Might you mention that you're a family man yourself as a way to build a bridge?
So if it's honest, so that's a great question.
But this becomes a thing where you have to look at things if you are trying to influence or manipulate somebody.
If it's honest and it fits within that conversation at that moment because this is what I, based on our conversation, I think this person needs to hear then sure, if it's real.
If it's not, if I'm lying to him because I'm trying to say well, I'm a family man, you're a family man like we're good.
Now you're manipulating the person.
And that's a whole different conversation.
So, to go back to what you said, if I understand this guy's values and I understand that there is a sense of, let's say, a sense of honesty, maybe if there's a part of this person that's also honest or there's also a sense of He wants to be I don't know he wants his kids to see him as a man of integrity, right.
Let's just say that.
So maybe that starts to become a conversation that we have as it relates to.
I can only imagine the difficulty that this has with you.
As you've told me, you're a family man.
I'm not going to say you're a family man.
I'm going to say, as you told me, you're a family man.
And one of the things that you said about being a family man was how important is your kids to kind of like lead by your model, like your role model, aspects of that, by honesty and openness and those type of things.
So do you hear where I'm going?
So I'm trending in the direction by which that I am trying to bring online still his father, but a different value under what it means to be a father.
Because I don't want to talk about being present because that's probably going to go away.
But if he is trying to teach his kids to own your mistakes and then maybe that's the direction I go.
But how am I going to get that?
I'm going to get that because I'm going to start off my conversation with him in a very honest, genuine way, that I'm going to try to understand who is this person across from me.
And what's the difference between manipulation and influence?
Influence is about nudging a person in a certain direction at a certain time.
That's beneficial for both you and them.
That's influence.
Got it?
Manipulation is you nudging a person in a specific direction because it's good for you.
It's not good for them.
And so you'll lie.
You'll do whatever you need to do to close the deal, to get them to do something, to give them, to give you something.
That's manipulation, because it's often one of those things that it has negative consequences to it in terms of the person who did it.
You know, maybe they never know, but you manipulated them.
Which is interrogations, no?
Because this guy is going to get life in jail if he admits that he killed this child.
So that's not in his interests, but it's in mine.
So I'm going to manipulate him to give me the secrets.
If that's what you want to do and that's the direction you think you need to do, then by all means you can do it.
And here in the U.S., it is legal that you can lie to subjects.
So you're saying lying is the moment where it becomes manipulation?
Yes.
That becomes the shortcut.
And that becomes a way, not just within the interrogation room.
Like I think what becomes important and I've seen this come up a lot people are all about like influence.
Like you hear that come up quite a bit.
If you want to influence somebody, this is how you do it.
You're honest with them.
You're clear and you're transparent because influence is about how do I feel about you?
Not about all the things that you're doing at that moment.
Because if I don't, if trust isn't even on the table, if I don't trust you to begin with, Or I think that, to go back to what you had said, there's this pattern of recognition where I'm like, I just think there's something wrong with this.
You're not going to be able to influence me.
If I am honest with you in everything that I do, because that's how I carry myself, not only does it lower your cognitive load because you're not lying to somebody else, but it underscores who you stand for and who you are as a person.
And with that, people are going to see that and say, you know what?
Stephen's very transparent.
He said this was a good deal.
And I believe that for these reasons, it's a matter of you being honest with that.
I.
I always question now like cause?
I see it a lot and it came up in the questions that I was talking to your team about.
It's like, why does everybody want to influence somebody?
Like, why, why do they, what is that?
Do you know?
Like, why does it come up all the time?
Because what are people trying to accomplish?
They want to accomplish something.
They have a goal.
For who?
For themselves.
Right.
So is that, is that influence?
But it gets the job done for some people.
Sure, it does.
I'm thinking about that.
Is it Carnegie?
What's that book?
It's probably behind me somewhere called Influence.
And it talks about the five pillars of influence, things like scarcity.
Yeah, so it's Robert Cialdini.
We teach that, right?
It's one of those where you can understand why influence works.
The different strategies of influence like what they all stand for.
And when they fit within the conversation, you can do it.
I do it.
But I can tell you Stephen, being a communication specialist, I don't spend my day walking around trying to influence people.
I will be honest with people.
I will be transparent.
I will answer their questions with the best information that I have.
And if people are inspired by that and that causes somebody to be influenced by the things that I said, that's what I want.
And I brought this up earlier, but the training academy that I instruct with it is all about openness.
It's all about honesty.
It's all about trying to help people based on why they've come to us.
And it's not about manipulating people to come in and be a member.
It's about why are you here and how can we help you?
And this is the best way we can do that.
And that influences people and that inspires people to learn. to listen to what you have to say.
Why, why is your podcast this successful?
The first time you and I met, you said something that I disagreed with.
And it was.
You were talking about flight story and you're talking about the different things you you know with flight story and the success of the podcast.
And you said, it's not because I'm a good interviewer.
It's because they're really good at marketing.
You're a good interviewer because of the vulnerabilities that you do.
Every time, I've been surprised on how vulnerable you Open you are in terms of sharing with yourself, like there's that story arc, in terms of how that connection is.
Because of that, You influence me, not because you're trying to, not because your team reached out, But because of the way you carriage yourself in your podcast and the questions that you ask and the vulnerability that you're showing.
There is a level of trust that comes with that and so you in you weren't trying to influence, you were being you and there's a part of your self congruence and who you are, your ideal self, which is just like this is just what I do.
And my life's not perfect.
And I'll share the parts that are messy.
And I'm trying to use this as a platform to help millions of people.
That's a big deal.
And is this how you build trust with people?
Or is trust a different or adjacent point?
So trust is about being vulnerable.
Trust is about being open and sharing a little bit about yourself.
So truly steven, the question becomes is what i've shared with you in good hands?
Because if it's not, that's a problem right.
Let me ask you a question do you have a secret that maybe you've never told anybody, or you've told just one or two people?
Yeah, you do.
You got one in mind.
Yeah, what is it?
I can't.
There's millions of people listening okay, but but If these millions of people weren't watching, would you tell me?
Yeah.
Okay.
So the reason that you're not telling me or in front of these millions of people is why?
Why are you not telling us your secret?
Because of consequence.
Okay.
Someone's going to clip it.
Someone's going to put it on the internet.
Someone's going to fuck me up. there's a reason for it, right?
There's a reason that you're not trusting in terms of what it was.
Maybe you trust me just because of the relationship that we've built at this point.
But there's probably other things that you wouldn't trust me with.
When you talk about trust, if you look at concentric rings, you know, in terms of the trust around you, the center ring should be self-trust.
It should be you.
You should be able to trust yourself more than you trust anybody else.
If you don't, you probably need to do a little bit of work.
Right?
What does that mean in reality, me trusting myself?
Do you trust that you will do the things that you want to do or you ought to do?
Do you keep yourself in that direction?
Do you keep yourself accountable?
Right?
That becomes this thing where can you make decisions?
Or are you a person like I don't make any decisions?
I let somebody else make decisions or I run everything by everybody else, because I don't trust myself to make the right decision.
Then you have to work on your decision making because you have to find a way to build your trust up.
Mm-hmm.
Outside of that initial ring, it should be a ring of a handful of people that have unconditional trust right.
And these are the people that no matter what, like you've given them that trust.
You believe in them.
And it should be a small circle.
And this is where I think people go wrong.
They're like, ah, you know, I share everything with people.
Then they're crushed when one of those people that they've given unconditional trust with Break it.
That's a problem.
I have probably, you know, my siblings are all really close to me, so I have them.
There's four of them.
Outside of that, I have my you know I have my wife and a select few friends.
You know that.
I know that if I call, they're like we're good.
Outside of that, you should, everybody else should be conditional trust.
People should earn your trust, right?
They should be honored to have it.
Like, don't give it away for free.
And if you have somebody's trust, you should respect that if they've given that to you.
But I think and I've seen it people give away trust way too much because the person will be amazing in this one spot.
And all of a sudden they get the halo effect and they're like, well, they're great here.
They must be great here.
It's this arc of they're awesome everywhere.
And so I'm going to trust them with these other things.
Then when again they break it, they violate it way you feel is just this violation of you know, somebody took what you gave them and just destroyed it.
It's hard to come back from that.
It's hard to once you lose trust, like if you lose somebody's trust, it's really, really hard to get back.
Is there anything you can do to get back, do you think?
What I know that you can do, it doesn't always work.
You have to be accountable for why you lost it.
Whatever that is, very specific.
It's going to take Time and a lot of consistency.
To consistency, meaning that you show them consistently, time and time again, that you are a person that you know can be trusted.
On leadership principles, something I've heard you talk about as well.
What do you think are the most important principles as it relates to leadership?
Because we've talked about trust there. and other things around communication and all these things.
Is there anything we haven't covered as it relates to being a great leader in your perspective?
Somebody who's calm under chaos, that would be my definition of a leader.
However, and I say that because leadership is a feeling, Stephen.
How do you make these people feel as it relates to my qualities as a leader?
Do I do the things that register with you leadership.
As I can tell you, when I was on a SWAT team, which is the special weapons and tactics, this is where I learned the true essence of leadership, because I had some amazing commanders and team leaders on that team were under high stress under a stress like that.
If you have people around you that are keeping their composure, that's leadership.
One of the elements there, I guess, when you're in the SWAT, as well as dealing with huge amounts of uncertainty, when pressure's on, when your life's at risk,
I was reading about a study which I think you mentioned some time ago, where they look at three groups of people doing the same exam and were sort of trying to ascertain how people make decisions with different degrees of certainty and information.
Yeah.
What the study showed was there were a group of students that were taking a test in college and They were told that they had either passed or failed, or they had no idea whether they passed or failed.
But prior to that, they were asked if they would take a vacation.
And the people who passed and the people who failed.
There was a higher percentage of them who chose to take a vacation after getting news that they had either passed college or failed college.
The group that didn't know there was a third group that was just like I'm unsure weren't able to really make a decision.
So just to be clear then on that third group, they didn't have their exam results back, so they didn't take the action to book the vacation.
They were told that there was some malfunction in ability to score their test and they would get their results at a later time.
And so then they were asked to you know if they would, also via vacation and a farther fewer percentage.
I don't remember what it was, but a farther, much less percentage of them would take it than the people who both passed.
Because I think there was like half the people who passed or were told they passed, like took the, bought the vacation package.
It was like a vacation trip to Hawaii.
Around the same percentage, I believe, who failed the exam, bought the vacation trip.
But the people who couldn't decide, just they didn't have the cognitive bandwidth to really make a decision.
So the ambiguity of not knowing really lessens our cognitive ability to go in a certain direction.
And so when we don't know where to go, we often don't go anywhere.
That is a hallmark of great leaders that they're able to decide even when there's very low certainty.
Sure.
I would think that would come with, you know, the territory.
I think if you're only a leader when it's calm, then you're not really a leader.
You're somebody with a higher salary and a title.
Like leadership really shows up in those type of circumstances when things are uncertain.
And so you know having the ability to manage things when not all the information's there, and doing the best you can with it.
Because, you know, oftentimes the best decision to make is the right one.
And the worst one is to not make a decision at all.
And so if you have those type of leaders who just can't think through that problem, then that's not a leader.
I remember when I spoke in Sao Paulo many years ago, Barack Obama was on stage and he said that as president like when he went and got bin Laden in that compound in pakistan that they didn't know if bin laden was there.
They'd never visually properly id'd him.
So he had to make that decision to risk american lives with, as he said, 51 certainty yeah, or a very low certainty, and he says that's the the thing about being the president of the united states you make huge calls with very little certainty yeah, and i've always thought about that in in terms of my day-to-day life, and it all has made me conclude that the most successful people that i've met do have that ability to be low certainty and make big calls with the peace of mind that they've made that call with the best available information.
And then the sort of inverse of that is, some people listening right now, with even small decisions are trying to get to 100 certainty, when obviously 100 certainty only exists in hindsight.
You know, and that's a really good point.
I think that's a lot of people struggle with that when it comes to just own your decision.
Like own it.
Like, whatever you choose to do, if you make it not under high emotion and you do the best you can with the information that you have at that time, make a decision.
Like, you know, as they say, if you make the wrong decision, then it's experience.
If you make the right decision, then it's confirmation.
I think about this a lot.
I think about how maybe everyone listening could have a conversation with themselves about their own relationship with uncertainty.
Like how good are you dealing with situations where you don't have much information?
Are you the type of person that's able to make a decision and not like sit in paralysis?
And many people that come up to me in the street and say they want a new life or a new this or a new that are choosing, like the certain misery of their current life versus the uncertainty they see as they look out into the void of like quitting the job and going and playing violin in Peru or something.
And um, you know you you, you bring up, you bring up something that um.
So in one of our, one of our recent classes that we taught this month, we talked about owning decision right.
And I shared the story with the community and it had a pretty profound effect.
And so I was, uh, as a police officer, I was on patrol, it was late at night.
I'm driving down just this two lane road, kind of in the middle of nowhere.
And I pull over to the side and I'm just kind of like watching from an angle just people driving up and down this road.
This car flies by, goes through a stop sign, doesn't stop.
It's a very nice luxury sedan.
So I turn on my lights, pull them over.
And I said, how are you doing?
And he's like, I'm all right.
I could tell this guy's just like, he's flat drunk.
And I shine my light into his passenger and And he's just like, he's passed out.
Like he has, he's not even coherent that I'm probably standing there.
So I get his driver's license and I'm like, look, you're pretty bad off.
And he's like, are you going to call my dad?
And I said, why would I do that?
He goes, man, he goes, this is his car.
He's like, he's going to be upset.
I said, all right.
So I go back to my patrol car and I look at this kid in terms of he's had no priors.
He's 16.
He has no prior driving record.
So I'm making, so what's my decision now?
I can call for a DWI unit to come and give this guy a field sobriety test, and he's going to fail just because I could tell how drunk he was.
Or I could call his dad.
Now I have to make a decision because I have that type of discretion.
So I have to think, do I have this kid go to jail and tow his dad's car?
Or do I call his dad and hope that's the right decision, because his dad will find a way to make sure this doesn't happen again?
I had our dispatch give me his parents' phone number, and I called his dad.
It's 11 o'clock at night.
And mom answers, and I'm like, you know, Mrs. Smith, this is Deputy O'Neill.
I'm out here with your son, Jacob.
Oh, my God, how is he?
I'm like, he's fine.
And I'm like, I think he's been drinking too much, and I want to know if you want to come get him.
She's like, can you talk to my husband?
I said, sure.
He gets on the phone, same thing.
And he's like, thank you.
I will make sure this doesn't happen again.
I will be there in five minutes.
I have no idea what happens at the end of this, but I made that decision at that time.
The reason I'm sharing this is because when I told that story in our community, I asked everybody on the platform because it's very engaging.
And I said, and Evie asked this question actually.
And she said, how many of you would do the same thing Desmond did?
Probably should give context there that Evie is your wife?
Evie's my wife.
Evie Pompouris?
Yes.
A lot of people put in the comments, like, I would do the same thing.
Good for him.
The kids shouldn't go to jail.
And Evie was just like, I would do the exact opposite thing.
I would have taken him to jail.
I would have towed the car.
Because I don't know if the consequences of what his dad would do is going to outweigh the fact that he's going to go to jail.
And she's like, what if I let him go and he does the same thing next week because he's not—
You know, he doesn't care what his father thinks.
And she's like, that to me was a decision that I would have made.
So I bring that up for this purpose.
We both made a completely different decision.
I made it for the reasons I did.
She made it for the reasons that she did.
Metaphorically, mine was true.
This is just what she said she would have done.
The point was, is that we both owned it.
And a lot of times.
I think what happens going back to what you just said is People are so afraid to make a decision, for a number of different reasons.
And so they just choose not to.
Now again, people could look at this.
You know your audience could look at this and be like he should have taken him to jail.
I understand all of that.
I had the discretion and that's the decision I made.
And I would make that decision every time.
But it's less about that story and more about when you decide on something with the information you have at the moment.
Do you own it?
Or do you, as you said, do you look back later and have hindsight bias and be like oh, I should have known.
You can't do that.
So many people try to live their life in reverse like that and looking back, it's impossible.
It's impossible to know.
So I do think and kind of to expand on what you said, I do think, when it talks about owning your decisions and being thoughtful as it relates to why you're doing and what you're doing and taking command of yourself and being a self-leader decisions is making, that is what it is.
To go back to the uncertainty aspects,
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Of that research you've done on communication.
Is there anything we haven't talked about today that really surprised you in the research?
That really caused a paradigm shift in what you thought communication was and now what you think it is.
Yeah.
The research showed that your ability to build rapport with a person is what gives you the most power in terms of that connection.
And different people – How do you build rapport?
Most people think that this is one of those things where you're just – you're overly kind.
You're very complimentary.
You're talking about the weather.
Now we've built rapport and then we're good.
It's not how you build rapport.
Rapport is understanding values in terms of a person.
Rapport is understanding a person's presence and what they're needing from you.
If I'm paying attention to you and I'm engaged with you and I'm making you feel seen and heard and understood and by proxy, by the reciprocity of doing that, you do the same thing for me.
That's rapport.
When it comes into building rapport with somebody, read the room.
If I came in and I have a list of questions and I see you that you're.
There's some emotional state that you're showing.
If I want to connect with you, I ask about that.
I need to put my stuff aside before I can have the conversation I want to have.
I probably have to have the conversation you want to have.
And at that moment, it may be understanding what is going on in your headspace.
I can say, Hey, Steven, you know, I'm Desmond O'Neill.
You know, I know you were brought in this morning for these reasons.
It's obvious to me right now that you seem really upset.
Can you tell me what's going on right now?
And you could say, you know, I don't know what's going on.
I'm super scared.
I've never been in jail before.
My mom's sick at home, and I don't know if there's anybody to take her to her.
Now, how much information now do I have, by the way, that I can connect with you?
Because if you tell me, I am freaked out.
I don't know what's going on.
What do I now do?
Do I go back to be like, well, that sucks and go back to my list of questions?
Or do I say, how best can I help you with that?
And this builds rapport.
Yes.
Because what I'm doing is I'm showing empathy.
I'm listening to you.
I'm giving you what you want.
I'm lessening your ambiguity.
I'm orienting you in terms of the direction that you're asking me to take you.
You're asking me for clarity in terms of what's going to happen.
I'm going to answer that.
I'm showing them that I am paying attention to them.
I'm being authentic.
I'm going to follow up with the things that I do, because I'm going to come back later and be like hey, we checked on your mom.
She was good.
We pulled your aunt in.
Your aunt came and took care of her.
If anything else comes up, let me know.
I do have some questions that I need to get to.
This is an important part of the investigation.
But I can only imagine that there's a lot on your mind.
And if things come up through our conversation, please ask me.
And that's rapport.
In those situations, I'm hearing many of the things that I read in that book, Influence, by Robert.
Chaldini.
Chaldini.
I'm hearing reciprocity.
Yep.
You've done them a favor, so now they're more likely to answer your questions.
Reciprocity is giving somebody something with the expectation that somewhere in the future they will give you something else.
It's not a transactional thing.
It's not like the only reason I'm doing this is because I want something from you in exchange.
That's transactional.
So when you checked on that person's mom, that was reciprocity?
That was me following up with the commitment of saying that this is what I'm going to do for you.
You can do with it what you want.
But you know that doing that is going to increase the probability that they answer your questions?
No, I do that regardless.
He could have said, you know what?
I appreciate you.
Thank you for checking on my mom.
I want a lawyer.
I don't want to talk to you.
You know what I'm going to do?
I'm going to check on his mom.
You know why? because that's what I said I was going to do.
You know why?
Because that's my self-congruence.
That's what I do as a person.
When I give somebody my word, I'm going to follow up with it.
So in a situation like that, I will do those things, because that's what I've told him I'm going to do.
Is there anything else on the point of having difficult conversations that we haven't covered in your mind?
Because I know there's loads of people that they want to get better at having those tricky conversations and also just dealing with.
I think we see a lot is like people very keen to deal with difficult people.
Is there anything there that we haven't touched on?
We've got the plan framework, but just want to check if there's nothing we've missed.
No, I just think it was.
I just think it was a plan framework and it's not about making things complicated.
It's actually about.
You know there's there's things that you should take out.
You know, when it comes to communication, as opposed to always adding things in, you know it really becomes like extinction before acquisition.
So I can I can tell you when it comes to better communication, there are three things that you should stop doing right now.
One of them is to stop trying to be right.
One of them is to stop telling people you understand.
And the third one is stop giving people your unsolicited opinion.
Now, to break those down, stop trying to be right.
We talked about that one a little bit.
The second one is stop telling people you understand.
This is what I mean by that.
You can understand...
You can understand a person's words.
You will never understand their headspace in terms of the specificity of that.
And so what you will see is, if you're sharing a story, like if you shared a personal story with me, let's say, your father had passed away
And I'm like, you know what, Stephen, I completely understand.
My dad passed away too when I was young.
So now we're connected.
I have just taken away a moment for you, because I made it about me.
Because I thought that I understood something that you had experienced.
In fact, your experience of a death or your experience of your father at that moment is going to be completely different than mine.
But for me to tell you that I understand is short-sighted.
My girlfriend tells me sometimes that she wants me to say that I understand.
And I think what she's saying is that maybe she wants to feel understood sometimes.
And so she might be explaining how she feels.
And then if I say, you know, I do understand.
But do you?
Sometimes I get to the point where I do understand what she's saying.
You understand what she's saying, but do you understand how she truly feels?
No.
Okay.
But that becomes... Because I don't feel that.
You don't feel it.
But she just wants me to acknowledge.
She wants you to acknowledge it.
So the difference is in terms of it was being genuine, where you're like look, I really understand how you feel.
You probably don't.
How do I make her feel understood in that regard?
Then without telling her, I understand.
To feel understood is to listen to her, to be like, look, you know, it sounds tough.
Sounds, you know, like this is something really on your mind.
And it kind of goes into our other thing.
We're like, stop giving people your opinion.
You know, if she's expressing things to you and she's sharing how she wants to feel, she's probably not looking for you to tell her what to do, unless she's asked you for that.
The first thing that we always do and it happens all the time is like let me tell you what I think.
Try to fix it.
Try to fix it without having all of the emotions and the complexities of why it's not being done.
And so to go back to, with your girlfriend, it really is just a matter of trying to understand, seeing where she's going with it, asking her if there are ways that we can work to make it better or help you with this.
But if she's just like I want you to understand, I would just tell her I understand just because that's what she's looking for.
You're not going to have it in there.
But if you generally went to somebody and you're like oh, I understand, that's what I'm asking you not to do,
That's what you shouldn't do.
You shouldn't generally think that you truly understand another person, because then you're going like you're convinced that you know and you're no longer curious in terms of how they actually feel.
And on that last point about giving the opinion a lot of time, people you know when they're sharing something.
They just want you to create the space.
Simon Sinek said to me, he goes, Most of the time, people just want you to sit in the mud with them.
And like I naturally show up with like my toolbox to try and fix the situation.
But a lot of the time, especially with my my girlfriend, maybe she just wants me to listen.
Most people do.
Right.
It becomes like this identity headspace where people just are looking for the sounding board for you, for your girlfriend.
Like you're the you're the guy, you're the person.
And that's what she comes to you for.
That's your job. in a lot of ways.
And I don't mean that in a negative thing, but it's just one of those things where if that's what she needs from you, then that's what you give her.
And a lot of people just want, as Simon Sinek said, where you said it like just sit in the mud with them and that's what they'll ask you.
If she turns to you and says, Stephen, what would you do here?
Then she's asking you.
But if not, then don't give it.
Something I need to work on.
Yeah, we all do.
Yeah, because you, I don't know something about maybe the male brain, but it's probably not just men.
Can I talk real quick just about our training community before we go?
Is that okay with you?
Yeah.
Because it is one of those where, like now, what I spend all my time with is I'm an instructor for Beyond Bulletproof, which is a training platform that Evie and I host.
And it really comes down to three prongs of helping people think, helping people act and helping people leave with purpose.
And I know we talked about those things, but the reason I bring that up is because there are so many people Stephen that, just as you had talked about, they're looking for some help.
They're looking for some clarity.
They're looking for somebody to influence them in some way because they don't have good emotional regulation and they're trying to get better in their relationships.
We've been fortunate to have that.
And that's kind of where, you know, I don't do a lot of social media.
You know, I don't do A lot of other things because I spend my time here.
As you know, we have a closing tradition on the podcast where the last guest leaves a question for the next.
And the question that's been left for you is what decision do you most regret, and would things have turned out better if you had made it differently?
Ouch, that's a spicy one.
So, I...
As much as this wants to be a spicy one, I can categorically tell you that there's not a decision that I've made that I wish I would have made different.
And I say that because it kind of goes back to I own my decisions in terms of the things that I have done.
Even when the story that I shared about you know, when I was a police officer, with the kid who was drinking like I own those decisions.
And in truth, like.
All of those decisions have manifested itself for me to sit down here with you today and have this conversation.
And so I can't tell you that there's something that I look back to, that I regret, because I think that there's things we learn from.
But I think for the most part, I don't use hindsight bias.
I don't look back to say I wish there was something else.
I use those things to grow and to learn and be better.
And, you know, had I made a different decision, maybe you and I wouldn't be sitting here.
So none.
But you still, I mean, if someone asked me that, I'd have loads of answers.
Like what? just like the ways that I handled situations in my life as an employer.
I shouldn't have said that.
I shouldn't have done that.
When my girlfriend said that, I should have just listened.
And I wish I had, because I think our relationship would be better.
Or you know, some grudge I held or whatever.
You know like the messiness of being an emotional human.
So let me ask this.
And I think you know I do question at times that That type of I wish and I regret.
I think that also changes who you are as a person.
If you're like I would have gone back and done we can all do that in some and I don't mean that's petty, but in all some petty way.
When I was writing my thesis, I would always come to my thesis advisor and she'd be like nope, this isn't good, this isn't good, this isn't good.
And so when I was done, there was like, I had like 30, she's like, just put this in the parking lot.
Like, maybe we'll look at this, maybe we won't.
So when I was done with my thesis, I had 30 pages of, that were in the parking lot.
And I went to her and I go, I feel like this is a lot of mistakes.
And she goes, you had to have this to have this.
And so when I hear that, when it's just like oh, I wish I would have done these things different.
You would be a different person, right?
It's all those perspectives.
It's all those little things that you code and become a different person.
You would be a different person if you had done those things differently.
I'm not saying better or worse, but I'm saying I don't think that's a reason to look back and regret things.
Yeah, I probably would still have those mistakes in my future if I hadn't made them in the past as well.
So maybe, maybe the very fact that I can identify them means that my self-awareness grew based on them.
I like, I'm never going to treat someone like that again.
I'm never going to say that thing again because I learned the lesson.
So I'm a better person today because of that.
Yeah Desmond, thank you, thank you, thank you so much for doing what you do.
And uh, this is you said this is your first podcast, which is exciting.
It's my first podcast.
Thank you so much, thank you.
If there's anything we need, it is connection, especially in the world we're living in today.
And that is exactly why we created these conversation cards.
Because on this show, when I sit here with my guests and have those deep, intimate conversations, this remarkable thing happens time and time again.
We feel deeply connected to each other.
At the end of every episode, the guest I'm interviewing leaves a question for the next guest.
And we've turned them into these cards conversation cards and we've added these twist cards to make your conversations even more interesting.
And there are so many more twists along the way with the conversation cards.
This is the brand new edition and for the first time ever, i've added to the pack this gold card, which is an exclusive question from me, but i'm only putting the gold cards in the first run of conversation cards, so get yours now, before the limited edition gold cards are all gone.
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