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Welcome to Before Breakfast, a production of iHeartRadio.
Good morning.
This is Laura.
Welcome to the Before Breakfast podcast.
Today's tip is to loop for understanding.
This technique for challenging conversations can help keep things from boiling over and helps make sure that everyone feels heard.
Today's tip, like another one this week, comes from Charles Duhigg's new book, Super Communicators.
In this book, Duhigg shares strategies for having better conversations, so you can connect with people more effectively.
Sometimes conversations are easy, and sometimes they are not.
Duhigg shares some stories of experiments that have brought together people with wildly different views on hot-button topics and have taught them constructive conversational strategies.
One that all of us can try in our own lives is to loop for understanding.
Here's how this works.
You can ask the speaker questions and then reflect back what you heard and confirm that you understand.
So, for instance, if your spouse is upset because he or she feels like they are always doing the bedtime routine with your kids, your response should not be What do you mean?
I did it Tuesday.
You never give me credit for anything.
As you can imagine, this is not going to make the situation any better.
Indeed, the two of you might start fighting and maybe even wake the kids up.
So you both have to do bedtime duty again.
Looping for understanding would mean that after you've asked your spouse some questions about how he or she is feeling and about these frustrations, you would say something like you're feeling overwhelmed because you're tired after work and you want to relax, but the kids often fight bedtime.
Did I get that right?
You reflect back what the person says and then add that little check.
Did I get that right?
Unless you have completely flubbed your reading of what the person just said.
Asking did I get that right?
Encourages the person to say yes, which means that he or she is acknowledging that they feel heard.
Now you've never said that you agree with the person, or even that you think that the complaint is valid.
You are simply acknowledging that the person feels that way and that you understand what the person is feeling.
If, for some reason, you haven't quite understood what the person is saying, asking did I get that right?
Allows them to elaborate and share more until you are clear on what's going on.
People who study conversations have found that this looping for understanding technique can keep things from boiling over.
Now, it obviously doesn't solve the problem, but it puts people in a place where a solution might be possible.
Whereas if you are screaming that doing the bedtime routine one time over the past two weeks doesn't make anyone the spouse of the year well, that is not going to lead to much of anything good.
So the next time you wind up in a hot conversation, just try it.
Reflect back what the other person said in your own words and ask if you got it right.
If you did, great.
If you didn't, they will let you know, and then you can ask a few more questions and summarize again until you do get it right.
With any luck, the person will then do the same for you and you can share how you are feeling.
Oftentimes, people want to be heard just as much as they want solutions.
And looping for understanding can make that happen.
In the meantime, this is Laura.
Thanks for listening.
And here's to making the most of our time.
Thanks for listening to Before Breakfast.
If you've got questions, ideas, or feedback, you can reach me at laura at lauravandercam.com.
Before Breakfast is a production of iHeart Media.
For more podcasts from iHeart Media, please visit the iHeart Radio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you listen to your favorite shows.
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This podcast is all about going deeper with the women shaping culture right now.
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As a woman in the industry, you're always underestimated.
So you have to work extra hard in a way that doesn't compromise who you are and your integrity.
You know, I like to say I was kind of like a silent ninja.
Listen to It Girl with Bailey Taylor on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts.
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Guaranteed human.
