One and done.
But sometimes what you're not done with are people's comments.
Really?
You don't want them to have a sibling?
Isn't she going to be lonely?
Or your own self-doubt?
I think maybe there's uncertainty about,
I know what it looks like when you have siblings.
I don't know what it looks like when you don't.
So that's kind of scary to things.
And I think in the uncertainty, people saying things like spoiled.
No social skills, only like shit.
Is that true?
What is...
I don't know.
I've never had that experience before.
So is there something I'm actually missing here that I need to be clued in on?
And if it is, I don't like what you guys are saying anyway.
Only children get a bad rap.
They're spoiled.
They don't know how to share.
They lack social skills.
They're too dependent.
And while these are gross generalizations,
if you grew up in a big family with siblings,
it can be daunting to imagine being a parent to an only child.
Especially if the road to your parenting journey wasn't an easy one.
And the family you initially envisioned is different than the one you have now.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be right back.
Let's be real.
Traveling with kids is a trip, not a vacation.
And when you're in a hotel room,
your kid's bedroom is also your bedroom,
and your living room, and your dining room.
And lights out for them means lights out for you.
Not really the vacation parents have in mind.
But then we discovered Airbnb.
My kids had their own bedroom,
and we found ourselves with a luxury we never thought we would have on a family trip.
A one hour vacation, each night all to ourselves.
You know I'm all for self-care,
and that means making sure all parents get more moments like this, even on vacation.
And if you're planning an upcoming family trip, two things are true.
Your home could be an Airbnb for another family,
and it's a great way to earn some extra money to use for your kids' camp,
your next vacation, or something you want,
because your needs matter too.
Your home might be worth more than you think.
Find out how much at Airbnb.com slash host.
Hi, Sinita. Nice to meet you. Welcome.
Thank you. Thank you.
So excited to be here.
Tell me a little bit what's going on for you,
and what's on your mind for this conversation today.
Yeah.
So I have a two year old daughter, almost two, to be two in April.
And I have loved your podcast.
The whole time I found it so helpful and just being able to navigate,
even at such a young age,
all the things that are already coming up,
like helping her with the big feelings,
trying to support myself as I support her at the same time,
trying to deal with other people's reactions.
And that's kind of what made me want to ask this question today is,
so my husband and I made a decision to have just one child.
And that came after a lot of just challenges and surprises in our
fertility experience, having miscarriages.
And after that, deciding, OK, our family looks different than we ever
envisioned. It was going to, but we love the family that we have the way it is now.
But for both of us, we come from having a lot of siblings.
And it's just so crazy seeing what it's like having a child and telling people,
yes, as our only child, we're going to have the reactions that we get,
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the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
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the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
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the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
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the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character, the character,
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by going down a rabbit hole and thinking about it forever or game planning about it, but actually one of the best things we can do for anxiety is just remind ourselves that we're capable. Because anxiety pauses or de-escalates when you're mind yourself, wait, I'm a capable person and if and when that thing happens, I'll be able to deal with it. So, what about when my kid asks for a phone and I don't want to give it to them, it's such a swirl versus when my kid's going to ask for a phone, I'm not going to want to give it to them.
And I'm going to be able to cope with that. I will when that moment comes, I will get through it. I'm a good, strong, capable parent and I can do it and all of a sudden the nervous spiraling energy transitions into like, wow, like I'm kind of a badass energy.
Yes, it really does. It's like it gives me somewhere else to go, whether it is like, I want to handle it. I just love learning. So, like, let me learn about how to handle it. Or if you're like, yeah, I'm going to handle that.
Can I really focus on things that are actually happening right now in my life? I love that. I love that decision tree. I'm going to handle it. Do I want to spend my time now thinking about I handle it? Or I'm going to handle it. So actually, what else do I want to put energy towards in the meantime?
Yeah.
I agree. So, okay. So here's the third category of things we said we were going to talk about. What do we do in that moment? What are you doing in the grocery store and random person X behind you is like waxing poetic about, you know, your family structure.
Or maybe it's not there. Maybe it's out of family gathering and you have the aunts and uncles and grandparents and great grandparents, you know, telling you about this decision you made. Where does it come up? That's most bothersome or most frequent for you.
I think where comes up the most probably is within like family gatherings and things like that. I can think of a time recently where we were at some extended family.
And a cousin asked like, Oh, so you're going to have another child? I was like, No, you know, we're just going to have one and we love it. And just like, I don't want to give you another sister gives like she wants to give her a Sheila.
I'm like, I want to recreate my.
I have an a child to recreate the same relationship I had with my sister with my immediate response, which landed awkwardly and then it kind of spizzled away from that.
And I think that's what I usually do. People say something I just snap back quickly with the first response that comes to my mind.
I think usually go well.
Yeah, well, I guess we.
We have to figure out what going well means, right? One of the things that happens a lot in conversations is people do say you're ask really inappropriate things like things that are not their business, things that have more to do with their own stuff than anything to do with us.
I always feel like someone's just like a pawn in their game and that never feels good. And the visual I always think about Sinita is like that person puts this like awkwardness on us.
And one thing you're saying you do is like you just give it back to them, the awkwardness, which I can say I think especially like women are socialized against that.
And in general, society, people give women a lot of awkwardness and worse than that. They give a lot of aggression or a lot of really inappropriate, really uncomfortable statements.
And then as women somehow, society, we've been taught like our job is to just like digest that for them.
And I actually think it's a really powerful thing to think you know what like that wasn't mine to begin with. I'm not taking that.
I'm giving it back to its owner. So when you say back, things like yeah, this isn't really a conversation I want to have.
Or you know, that doesn't really sound like a curious question. It sounds more like a judgment.
Or no, I'm not looking to recreate the exact family I have. I'm kind of excited as an adult to make the decisions.
It can feel like oh, that didn't go well. But I think a different interpretation could be someone gave me something pretty inappropriate.
And I just said something to give it back. That wasn't mine in the first place.
You know, that's such a good point. It's actually making me think something I used to love that my husband would do after we had our miscarries.
Whenever people would ask about why aren't you guys having kids or when you're going to have kids.
And he would just just respond to me like we had too miscarriages. I'm pretty taken our time grieving right now and thinking about what we want to the family.
And it would just usually be a pretty conversation and her at that point.
But I always remember loving that response to, but I'm glad you made it awkward right now because they made it awkward actually. And you're just responding with our truth.
And it felt like he was advocating for me. And I think that's something that I think about as I want my daughter to know that I'm looking out for her.
And I think I would have loved it as someone made it awkward for me growing up of making awkward. That feels nice. That's a truth.
I love that. I love that. And I do think the image of I didn't start the awkwardness. I didn't really make it awkward. It was made awkward for me.
And so I can like hit that ball back to the tennis court side where it initiated like I didn't serve this ball. You know, I'm just giving it back.
And then often I think as women again, it's a bigger discussion. We're like, oh, you're so sensitive or oh, like you don't just say it so aggressively.
And it's really a perversion of the truth. If you look at it, you're like, I did not begin it. I just, you know, hit it back over.
That's an active self protection. That's really not an active aggression.
Yeah, that's a still undershipped idea. Look, I didn't make it awkward. You made it awkward. And I think my impulse is to almost somehow contorted to make it feel nice and pleasant and not uncomfortable for either of us anymore.
But I'm just going to return it just like I received it.
Exactly right. Like serves in tennis that are hit hard. Even if you just put a racket up, it tends to go back hard. That's because it was served hard.
So now I think there's a couple other nuances here. Whenever I think about comments that are said to us that are inappropriate or often am asked, like what am I supposed to tell my kid to do when they're kind of bullied or when someone says something inappropriate.
And then we really do focus on what do we say back. But my take here is what's way more important is what we say to ourselves. And I think that's something none of us were taught.
Like when someone says something inappropriate to us, the answer isn't coming up with a good zinger to them. The answer is actually trying to self protect.
And so when someone says to you, you know, oh, just one kid, do you worry she's going to be like, kind of lonely and selfish.
Like, okay, there's the tennis ball. You're allowed to say whatever you want back, but I feel like more important. Sneetas, what might you say to yourself in that moment?
Yeah. I feel good about the family that I created. I feel proud of it.
I just want to pause on that. I actually have the chills. Like it's really interesting visually, I think, to see that ball coming your way. Like, oh, do you have a worry she's going to be lonely? I don't know. You're going to think about having another kid.
And just like, I don't know why in the movie of this moment, I picture like a pause button. And then you're on your side to say to yourself, like, I felt really good about my family.
I felt really proud of my family and the decisions that led to this family. Like, maybe bolstering that a little more, just saying, like, I know that. And no one can take away my knowing that.
Yeah.
And then if we played the movie from there, you know, the irony is when we bolster ourselves in that way, we create a little barrier.
We're like, yeah, this comment now is no longer infiltrating me. It just kind of lives in the ether outside of me. And then the irony is whether we want to come back with the like hitting that ball back.
Or like a zinger.
Or whether we just decided that moment, like, I just actually think I'm going to kind of get up and get a glass of water and or just say like, yeah, great question.
Anyway, tell me about work. Like, you know, like, it actually becomes so much less important because we no longer use the comment we have to someone else as a way of validating ourselves.
We've already done that. And so what happens next is like kind of neither here nor there, which feels very free.
It really does. When you said that visual upstand there, saying that.
And then this other stuff, it really matters. It's almost my mind went to thinking all of anyone. What if you've been saying, I don't even remember your comments anymore. I'm kind of into this moment now.
That's exactly right. And then I can tell you in my own life, there are moments I'm like, I'm feeling kind of spicy today. I'm just going to like I just and and I know this person and I just I'm in the mood like I'm going to like kind of give it back.
And there's other moments with the same person or someone else. And I'm like, you know what? It's not that it's quote not worth it. I just don't want to do it. So I'll say something like it seems like you have a lot of thoughts about how many kids I have.
If you're ever coming at that from a place of like actually wanting to be curious about my journey. I'm happy to talk to you about that. If it's coming from a place of feeling like there's one right way.
That's not a conversation. I'm interested in having. I just wanted to lay out those two options for you or I feel like saying, yeah, I don't really, you know, that's not really on my mind right now. But I really heard that you're reading this book and I want to hear it.
I just give myself freedom to say any of it because I've already done for myself what I needed to do for myself.
Yes, yeah, that's also grounding to know that regardless of what they do, I know what I'm going to do. And no one in mood hits me because it does sometimes I do feel like you're being like a thing or something like that to that.
The satisfaction of seeing it when it feels nice, but sometimes I don't feel like doing that.
That's exactly right. It's not like you've nothing to prove. You're just like might be in the mood, you know.
Yes, I feel like playing this word. Exactly. One day when your daughter faces these things, whether it's, oh, you don't have a brother or sister is that so sad or maybe it's not that maybe it is something much more in some ways aggressive.
Maybe someone makes a comment about the color of her skin or, you know, or just like, you're no good at soccer. No one likes you. We don't want to play with you.
That idea of like I always find it powerful like what if we teach that to the next generation like it's not about what you say to someone else. It's really about what you say to yourself and maybe one day I can see a moment with your daughter, we're like, look, actually there are times people say things to me about having one kid.
And this is how I kind of pause and talk to myself. And then you're like really in that process together. So powerful.
Yeah, I think that's what I would really want. And I think that's so helpful to hear. It's definitely far in my field. How do I coach her in those moments? I don't have no idea what the script is going to be. So I can tell her what her line should be in this.
But what I do know is how we can talk about what she's feeling afterwards. What that was like for her.
That's exactly right. You can talk about that. You can teacher. Like I think kids learning the idea of a mantra.
So a mantra something you say to yourself when everything feels really big, a mantra something really simple and small. And sometimes it's nice to have something simple and small to say to yourself when things feel really big.
I don't know something like that. That's so something we can teach our kids. They'll take that with them to the playground or to that sleepover or turn the math class or wherever they feel vulnerable. We don't have to change whatever one says to them.
If we're focused on like kind of what they do and save for themselves. Yeah, we don't have to change what people say to them. We focus on what's going on with them.
And I love the idea of if she did her feelings spicy, she, you know, serves out some whatever serves you would like to that day.
I just have an image of someone asking her a dumb question. Her is coming back with my colleague. Do you ever get sad? They all said yes, very sad.
Now what would you like to do with this? Where's the conversation going to go? I think there's something that I hope she gets to do both.
I do too. I feel like I will go on record saying I feel like we need some more women like throwing out some spicy.
Yeah, serving the awkwardness back to, you know, to wear it originated. So I will I will go on record, you know, with you saying we we sign.
We sign our names to that more spiciness. Yes, agreed.
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