You're listening to Roundtable with myself Hy Young.
I'm joined by Yu Shun and Steve Hatherly in the studio.
Coming up, ever wonder if rejection can actually be good?
Yeah, you hear us out, please.
Rejection Therapy says there's more to it than just dealing with a no.
Is it fighting fire with fire or learning the art of the pivot?
Join us as we unpack why rejection therapy...
rejection might be the ultimate character builder.
And our special segment motivational Monday coming your way will give you that adrenaline shot for the start of the week.
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And now on Roundtable, let's turn our attention to something equally fascinating.
Being rejected from something can make a person feel terrible, from getting a no thank you when asking your crush out on a date or receiving the thank you for your interest email from a job that you really wanted.
Not getting what you want can be heartbreaking.
Since we know how rejection feels, we would never want to do it on purpose, right?
Wrong. Say hi to Rejection Therapy, a new TikTok trend that's doing exactly that.
And isn't this a little counterintuitive Steve?
Rejection and therapy are two words you don't see next to each other very often.
This is such a fascinating topic.
So, Rejection Therapy.
Well, if we go back to the beginning, it was a real life game that was originally designed by a Canadian business man by the name of Jason Comley.
And it's currently owned.
He doesn't own it anymore.
It's currently owned and operated by Jiajiang.
And the game is made for anyone who wants to build confidence and overcome the fear of rejection.
In the game, you get a card and the card encourages you to go out and do something that you are most likely to be rejected for.
This sounds like truth or dare.
A little bit, but a little bit more effort, perhaps.
Really interesting, right?
Jiajiang, let's talk about him.
He's the current owner of that game and he's from Beijing and he has a TED Talk.
And I would encourage you listening to find this TED Talk.
You can find it on the Internet.
And it's called What I Learned From 100 Days of Rejection.
Now, that TED Talk was done back in May of 2015 and I'll come back to that talk in a moment or two.
But like I said, or as you said, it's now a TikTok trend.
It's going viral on social media.
It's a new trend, but the concept of rejection therapy is not new at all.
And if you are still wondering, what is rejection therapy?
It's when you go out and you ask a stranger for something, a favor or anything.
And before you ask them, you expect them to say, no, you already have that feeling that they are going to reject you.
And the point is to face the initial fear that might arise in anticipation of that likely rejection or any other negative reaction that might come.
It's a kind of exposure therapy.
Have you ever heard of exposure therapy before?
I was trying to say that because instead of thinking about get accepted or getting a yes, you will expect that you are having a no, even before you ask the question.
So, you know, to me, maybe this is a kind of a medical approach or therapeutic approach, but I still feel that this method sounds like, you know, a self -destructive act for those who are really sensitive, especially for those who are, you know, affected, easily affected psychologically.
I'll have you convinced by the end of our discussion on this topic.
Have you heard of exposure therapy before?
It's where you keep going back to the thing that you're scared of, that you're afraid of.
And each time you go back to it, you're a little less afraid of it.
If you go the second time, you're less afraid than the first.
If you go the third time, you're less afraid from the second.
And eventually you're not you're not afraid of that thing anymore.
That's the idea behind exposure therapy.
And this rejection therapy is a form of exposure.
You start getting used to it and desensitized.
Yes. So what are we talking about here?
I'll give you I'll give you some real life examples.
So, like I said, it's it's popular on TikTok these days.
And one of the people who did it, her name is Michelle Panning, and she's a kind of life coach for women.
And she decided to do this for 30 days.
She called it the 30 day rejection challenge.
And you can find her experiences on TikTok.
So she asked her her strangers for things like hugs, which is not too bad.
Right. You go up to, you know, hug.
We've seen that on the Internet before, like asking strangers for hugs.
How about this? She asked a clothing store.
Can I be a live mannequin in your front window?
They said no. She asked a mattress store if she could take a nap in a display bed.
They said no. And she asked a sandwich shop if she could go behind the counter to make her own sandwich.
And they said no. At the beginning of the challenge, she said that she felt she had to really kind of hype herself up, embrace herself, you know, going up to the mattress store manager and oh my gosh, like before going to ask that anxiety that came with the situation.
But by the end of the 30 days, she said she felt more comfortable.
Approaching strangers, asking people for things, asking questions without the fear of the answer being no.
So what are the benefits of going through such great trouble?
Well, I think the challenge is a helpful way to get to know yourself a little bit better and understand how uncomfortable certain emotions can be like anxiety in certain situations.
But this kind of exposure therapy, I think and experts think this as well, it can really help people practice managing their uncomfortable feelings by exposing them to more scenarios when anxiety tends to show up.
So when a person instead chooses to avoid a situation that can create anxiety, it can make those feelings stronger and it can start to dictate what you will do in in one situation.
But one situation begets another situation, begets another situation.
And the point here is that if your anxiety, your fear of being rejected, if that is so powerful, that will stop you from asking in the first place.
And if that continues on in your life from month to month to year to year, this is now affecting how you live.
And that's all from within you.
Nobody on the outside is affecting you in this way.
You're the one who's making the decisions to not ask for fear of being rejected.
I think this is kind of a way that you are preparing yourself intentionally to get a lot of no's in your life, because anyway, you're getting a lot of no's in your life.
Yeah, inevitably. Right.
Yeah. Like seeking a job or something that you really want and you cannot get.
So but before that, and because I know that how bad it could be when you just get a rejection when you're applying for a job.
And then if you can before, I mean, before that, you practice yourself of being good at accepting all of these rejections, then maybe in some way can boost your confidence in in the way that you accept things no matter it's good or bad.
So this is kind of way that I think, as I said, desensitize a lot of things that may harm you psychologically.
I think an easy example is asking somebody out on a date.
Oh, yeah. Right. I mean, I'm sure it's true for everyone.
They've had a crush on somebody and they really, really, really wanted to ask them out on a date, but they didn't do it.
And they didn't do it because they were afraid of feet of the answer being no.
And the embarrassment and the anxiety that would come with that rejection.
But think about it.
If if they had asked, and I'm speaking very generally, but if they had asked, who knows?
Maybe they would have maybe the other person was feeling the same thing and maybe they could have had a really fruitful relationship for for a really long time.
Who knows? That's just one easy example.
Right. And if the person says no.
And you're forced to, you know, just live through that experience that we all need to at some point in life that is dealing with I know.
Yeah, exactly. But also I wonder if there could be ways or there could be moments when this rejection therapy could backfire, for example, facing constant rejection without adequate emotional or mental preparation or support, maybe lead to an increased sense of self -doubt or even maybe drop in self
-esteem. I mean, you really need to be mentally prepared for this kind of stuff, especially if it's somebody who's going through this trouble.
Then I think they're super sensitive to this situation.
For rejection therapy, though, you are expecting the answer to be no, and you're not going to ask your crush out on a date necessarily.
You're going into a sandwich shop to ask if you can make your own sandwich, like almost like silly situations.
So the trauma might not be as bad, but I certainly see your point.
Let's talk more about that TED Talk video.
I mentioned a few minutes ago.
I wanted to discuss this a little bit more.
This is so very, very entertaining.
ZhaZang is the guy who went through these 100 days of rejections.
And the reason he wanted to do this is because he was rejected as a child in the classroom.
And he said that that rejection that he felt as a child often stuck with him as an adult.
So that's why he wanted to take on this rejection challenge.
So the very first day, I'll go through a few examples of what he did.
The very first day he walked up to a stranger and he said, can I borrow one hundred dollars?
And the person said no.
But the person also asked why.
So when he asked why he opened the door for a dialogue there for some sort of justification for this.
So ZhaZang thought, that's interesting.
The second day, you know, in American fast food places, I don't think they do it anymore, but they used to give you a cola refill for free.
Anyway, so he went into the store and he finished his meal and then he asked for a burger refill like a free burger.
And the person working said like what?
He said, no, we don't do that.
Again, he got rejected.
Now, here's day three.
He went to a Krispy Kreme donut shop and he asked, hey, can you guys make donuts in the shape of the Olympic rings?
And also, can you put the colors on the donuts to make it look like the Olympic rings to expecting a no.
The donut maker looked at him and said, hmm, give me five minutes.
Looked it up on the Internet.
Fifteen minutes later came back with the Olympic ring donuts with the colors on top that he made a video of that.
ZhaZang did and it went viral.
Five million views for that particular video.
The chef took his request seriously and then he became famous after that.
And that in that moment he learned, huh, if I ask, the answer will not always be no.
That's such positivity that I so much need.
I suppose for a lot of people here, OK, for some people here going through the Chinese educational system, a traditional Chinese family, we grow up being used to being said no to feeling that, oh, you will be rejected.
There is only one number one in class.
And then you're constantly reminded that, yeah, sure, there's, you know, that target, that goal that everybody's eyeing, vying for.
But there are just a million ways to make you feel rejected and inadequate growing up.
So. But that's why ZhaZang wanted to do this, because he was rejected in the classroom as a child.
And it was sticking with him as an adult and it was preventing him from living the life that he wanted to live.
And he needed to not just wanted to, he needed to change that about himself.
I think that is the thing, you know, because when you are getting rejected, we're thinking getting rejected is so normal and so common in our lives.
Getting a yes is like, wow, I just got a yes.
I'm used to the nerves.
You know, feeling nervous and anxious or generally just fearful about rejection is a completely normal human experience or just reaction.
And those emotions is small and manageable amounts actually maybe help keep us safe because it is kind of human instinct.
Yeah, it's like a protective measure.
Yeah. And it's only when that fear or anxiety becomes so overwhelming, like ZhaZang, like he brought this kind of mindset from childhood to adulthood.
And then it interferes with our lives and stops us from doing what we want to do.
And then getting some external support like this 100 day rejection therapy thing might be helpful.
So I think the thing is that we need to treat the anxiety or the fear to rejection equally as our expectation to a yes, because that is how or that is the step or stage that you are treating no and yes equally and you can accept it normally just like you're getting.
Yes, I'll tell you another important thing that he learned.
He went to a stranger's house and he knocked on the door.
He had a flower with him.
The person opened the door.
Can I help you? He said, hey, man, can I plant my flower in your backyard?
And the guy said, no, man.
And he didn't run away.
When he asked the stranger for $100, he got scared and he ran away immediately.
This time he stayed and he said, can I ask you why I can't plant my flower in your backyard?
And the guy said, well, I got a dog back there and the dog just digs everything up.
I don't want your flower to be destroyed.
But you know what? See across the street, that house over there, go over there.
They love flowers knock on their door.
He said, okay. Thank you.
He went over to their house, knocked on the door.
Can I plant my flower in your backyard?
Oh, yeah. Come on in.
What kind of flower do you have a garden back there?
So the message here is that when he stayed engaged and these are his words, not mine.
When he stayed engaged in the conversation and he wasn't afraid to ask, why not?
Then that led to a successful result for him.
Yeah, and that could be a leftless lesson learned.
Rejection therapy teaches us that no doesn't have to be a full stop.
It's just a pause. Maybe a chance to reevaluate and grow.
But like any tool, I think it's important to use it mindfully and smartly.
At the same time, facing rejection with intention can be empowering and I still like to highlight that there is a balance between the resilience and maybe with self -compassion because sometimes a gentle yes to ourselves is the best answer of all.
Can I borrow a thousand yuan?
Let me think about it.
Why? Because I don't want to give up the answer.
Coming up next motivational Monday.
So for this motivational Monday segment, let's go to.
Steve, what do you have for us?
Two men are hiking into the woods and they see a bear.
You shouldn't you need to play the bear in this scenario.
Yes, and the bear was angry.
One man looked at the other man and said we need to run.
So they started to run.
You're also playing the men.
We're gonna do one man looked at the other man and he asked him.
How are you going to outrun the bear?
And the man calmly replied to him.
I don't need to outrun the bear.
I only need to outrun you.
My motivational Monday today is a little bit evil, isn't it?
Yes, that means that expression.
If a bear is chasing you and your friend in the forest, you don't need to run faster than the bear.
You just need to run faster than your friend because the bear will catch your friend.
This applies to office life.
Oh, no, you don't need to be the world's most perfect employee.
You just need to be better than your co -workers.
Quite sinister. I was like, oh just be better than yourself.
You know, it's a competition with yourself not with other people.
No, it's with other people.
Absolutely. And let's just tell the one that is not going in the first place that you can just run faster than yourself.
I mean compete with yourself, then you can run from despair.
No, it's a motivational Monday tip because when you are in the office or when you are in life in your career, you are in competition with other people.
So keep that in mind as a motivator for yourself.
You don't need to be the best in the world, but you do need to be better than those around you.
It doesn't mean don't take it to be 100 % truth, but it's just a motivator.
Have a look around your workspace around your office, find out the vibe there, and try to work a little bit harder.
Maybe this is a little bit off topic, but in this way, you can keep learning and keep trying and keep asking why on if maybe you can pretend death in front of a bear and they will treat you like, you know, dead body.
Okay, fine. Forget the expression.
Just believe in yourself and you can outrun the bear.
How about that? Very interesting.
And for you for this Monday motivational Monday, I want to share a song.
Lu Yuan or Paradise was originally released on the band Yu Fei Meng's 2004 album Ten or Yi Ling Paradise, instantly becoming a fan favorite.
And now I just can't believe it.
Twenty years later, Dou Jing Tong brought this track back to life at her concert in Shanghai over the weekend, a song that holds a special place in Chinese indie music history.
That airy, dreamy sound still moves us.
Sadly though, lead singer Jiang Fen and producer Sun Shao of Yu Fei Meng are no longer with us.
Yet, their spirit lives on in every note they created, connecting with new generations through the fresh voices that continue to breathe life into their work.
And this is the unique, almost magical power of music.
It grants a kind of immortality to its creators, allowing them to live on through each note and lyric long after that they've left this world.
And as long as their songs are sung, played, and felt, they remain with us.
So whatever you're building, writing, or creating, don't hold back.
Put your heart into it because that piece of you could go on to inspire people you've never met.
Music, art, ideas, they have a way of sticking around.
And who would have thought that 20 years later, Dou Jing Tong, this really… Well, she's popular, but I still think that she's got big shoes to fill.
It's almost like the whole Chinese music scene has been waiting for her to grow up.
Because you probably have heard of the names of her parents, Dou Wei and Wang Fei, but this girl, she's proving herself.
So enjoy Yufei Min's Lue Yuan, or Paradise, this song.
And that brings us to the end of today's Roundtable.
Thank you so much, Steve and Yushuen, for joining the discussion.
I'm He Young. You guys have a beautiful day.
We will see you next time.
Thank you so much. See you next time.
Bye -bye, everyone. See you next time.
Bye -bye.
