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I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs.
For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story.
And what I heard wasn't good.
You really f***ed last night.
It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout.
I was trapped in addiction.
You had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls.
And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story.
Listen to Krums on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Ever wonder what it would be like to be mentored by today's top business leaders?
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Here's some advice from Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase, on standing out from the leadership crowd.
Develop your EQ. A lot of people have plenty of brains, but EQ is, do you trust me?
Do I communicate well?
Develop the team, develop the people, and create a system of trust.
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I'm Dan Roth, LinkedIn's editor -in -chief.
On my podcast, This Is Working, leaders share strategies for success.
Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's chief product officer.
If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune into my podcast, Building One.
I speak with some of the best product builders out there.
I've always been inspired by frustration.
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Following that curiosity is a superpower.
You have to be obsessed with the human condition.
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Hello, everybody. Welcome back to the show.
Welcome back to the podcast.
new listeners, old listeners, wherever you are in the world.
It is so great to have you here back for another episode as we of course break down the psychology of our 20s.
There is really no easy way to say this.
Dating in your 20s is hard, especially right now.
It feels like a bit of a minefield of people who won't commit, people who seem way too good to be true and it turns out that they actually are.
Incompatibility, getting ghosted, dates cancelled last minute, just to name a few experiences that I'm sure a lot of us have currently been enduring.
When this has kind of been going on for a while and these experiences definitely dominate our dating story or our dating narrative, we can become very detached and very defeated and very passive and to put it simply I think we lose our power and our agency in dating.
We're no longer as picky as we would like to be.
We don't call out disrespect or bad behavior.
The whole activity becomes a lot more anxiety inducing than it is fun.
And I think we get into this really negative headspace of expecting people to disappoint us and then not being surprised when they actually do.
I think the biggest way to counteract this mindset and this defeatist reality when it comes to dating is to really come back to ourselves and focus inwards not just for the sake of our love life but for the sake of actually loving our own life and i was speaking about this on mantra recently mantra for those of you who don't know is my other podcast it's a lot more spiritual we talk about a specific affirmation grounding saying or mantra every single week recently i did an episode on I nurture relationships that enrich my life.
And I talked about how something I wish I had learned sooner was that dating is meant to be A, enjoyable, and B, it's meant to be a selfish activity.
Truly, dating is actually meant to be rather selfish.
We are taught to always be ready to compromise and to be flexible and to be good and to meet everyone's needs.
And that's great, fair enough but I don't think that shouldn't be the case when it comes to trying to find your life partner very few decisions are as important and I think compromise now in the early stages of dating is misery and frustration later on I wish I'd known that at 21 I wish I'd known that maybe even at 23 but when we really do start to focus on what do I want how do I want to be treated what is my vision for love and what would it take for that to be met we experience such a huge and powerful shift that not only makes dating fun, it makes it intentional and I think it makes it fruitful
as well. So today I want to give you my formula for reclaiming your power in dating and also talk about why it is that we do lose our agency, why repeated rejection and relationship trauma and a scarcity mindset are some of the reasons dating feels so personally hard and I want to talk about some of the dating dilemmas that you guys have been facing as well.
As people in their 20s, some of you reached out with some pretty epic stories, some pretty frustrating stories to read from my perspective.
So I want to talk about exactly how you can bring back your own control, how you can be in control of those situations.
So without further ado, my lovely, lovely listeners, let's get into my guide to reclaiming your power in dating in your 20s and beyond.
I want to start out by talking about a time in my own life when I completely abandoned myself to who I was dating essentially because I thought that their approval and if they liked me and if I was good enough for them that could turn into love and that could make me happy and spoiler alert in reality it actually took me to a very low point and I'm sure a lot of you could probably tell me a similar story so back in 2021 I was dating like my first really serious boyfriend and long -time listeners will know that that breakup is really what created the psychology of your 20s but you know he was great he
was a nice guy It just didn't work.
We broke up and he moved on really, really quickly, like very quickly.
And it was this whole story where I was still somewhat under the illusion slash delusion that we were going to get back together.
and one of my friends had to be like hey he actually has a new girlfriend I think it just put me into the real painful part of relationship grief very very quickly I was like oh I thought that maybe I would have time that maybe we could still have this shared experience of grieving and missing each other and suddenly he's moved on he's on the next he's on to the next person like He's, he's all good and fine and dandy.
I think that created a bit of a chain reaction in me where I looked at my own life and I was like, how come it was so hard for me to find someone else?
I was very, very lonely.
I'd been with this person for a while.
It was still in Australia, COVID lockdowns.
So, you know, I didn't get to do all the fun things that you would normally do post breakup.
I didn't get to go out and party with my friends.
I didn't get to go out on these dates.
I didn't get to, you know, just be alive and present and out and about.
And so I was feeling very, very rejected.
I was feeling very poorly about myself.
I think my self -worth was definitely not an asset that I had at that time.
And it was during this period where I thought, okay, maybe I should start dating again.
Insane. It was an insane decision because I was four months out of a heartbreak, probably like my most significant one to date.
I really had a support network, but it wasn't readily available to me.
We had this like little break from lockdown where, you know, everything kind of went back to normal for a couple of months and I went dating.
It was almost like a sport for me.
I was going on sometimes two dates a day meeting all these people and the thing was none of them were particularly nice to me and yet I don't think there was a single date that I went on where I thought oh he's not interested I should leave this every single one I was like potential potential potential potential I basically I'm gonna say it as it is I'd lost my power and I met someone during that time which really any any semblance of agency and control and autonomy I had in this process any slither that I had left that was finally taken away from me because basically I fell in love with someone
very quickly who had absolutely no interest in loving me back.
And everything about our relationship became dictated by what he wanted.
We would only hang out at his house.
We would only do the dates that he wanted.
We only had the label that he wanted to give the relationship, which was not the label that I wanted.
And it was very, very painful.
And I basically sat in that relationship that wasn't quite a relationship for six months and it was like i was looking at myself from a high up place just losing who i was i was just in this relationship and i i used to be such a forthright advocate for myself you know if someone didn't treat me right i was gonna call it out and in this situation i just absolutely did not i just sat there and i just let him say you know sometimes really mean things about me and i let him just be do i just let him take control and get whatever he wanted out of the relationship whilst I was very clearly sitting
there miserable not getting what I wanted out of the relationship and you best believe I was not going to advocate for myself because all I wanted in that moment was love really I was not in the place to be dating and I was so fragile and I was so insecure all I wanted was someone to just like hold me and say I was special or at least kind of treat me like I was special a couple of days a week needless to say this relationship if you can call it relation call it a relationship did not work out it most certainly did not work out and we kind of ended things and if I thought that I had been in a low
place before the six months post that relationship was so painful and almost like in psych I think about it and I feel so bad for that girl because I've spoken about it on the show before but I couldn't even like speak to someone I just moved to Sydney at the time as well and obviously I had to try and meet all these new people I just didn't feel special at all I was like why would anyone want to be my friend why would anyone want to talk to me right now I'm just wasting their time I'm boring them I I have these distinct memories of being at parties that my friends had invited me to like the two
friends that I had in Sydney at the time and just not being able to hold a conversation with someone and just being like oh my god they're bored they're bored they don't want to talk to me anymore and then leaving the conversation and self -sabotaging and I just really felt absolutely terrible about myself and it all stemmed back to the fact that I had let myself be I don't want to say taken advantage of I let myself be treated badly.
Now, I say that and I don't want people to take that out of context and think that I'm saying that anyone who's been through a terrible relationship or even an abusive relationship is responsible for their treatment.
Really not the case, like really not the case.
But I can say in terms of my experience that I knew very clearly and I could feel it bubbling up, that I was not being treated right, that I had lost my agency, that I was not happy, that I was not confident and I continued to almost subject myself to that environment and to that emotional environment and situation because I did not feel like I deserved more.
And the idea of having to go back out there and be single when I had no power as a person who was dating just felt absolutely terrible obviously I made it through I made it through and now I'm with someone really really amazing obviously I've skipped an important chapter here and that's the chapter that we're talking about today you know how did I go from having that terrible relationship which genuinely broke me and which I still sometimes sit and think about and think oh ouch to where I am now I've been with my partner for two years and he is wonderful and he is spectacular and he treats me
so well and he is just like genuinely it's like we are two complete people coming together making each other more whole Gemma you know five years ago would not have imagined that could have occurred and it's because when it came to dating I became incredibly selfish I became independent I became so focused on what I needed and what I wanted because I really realized after those experiences no one else was going to advocate for me you know everyone else in the dating scheme in the dating sphere was putting themselves first so it was my turn to put myself first and it was my turn to be bossy about what I
wanted and honestly it's funny because I think I almost went a little bit too far my current boyfriend I almost didn't go on a date with him it's like a funny story we tell now whereby he like hadn't confirmed plans the day of and I was texting my friends being like no a real man wouldn't treat me this way my soulmate wouldn't treat me this way I'm not going to go on this date but I gave him a second chance I'm so glad that I did and here we now.
So my experience aside, what is it that makes us lose our power in dating?
I think the first reason why you may end up in a similar situation to me, kind of dating losers with people that don't treat you right, is because of repeated rejection.
Being rejected by someone you like or admire, it stings on a very deep interpersonal level.
A great deal of human emotion is going to come from rejection and is going to emerge in the face of real anticipated imagined even remembered rejection by other people we are socially primed to experience rejection as a painful experience almost physically painful and then as a result of that turn inwards looking for answers as to why we were the ones who were wrong we were the ones who were different we were the one who couldn't make this person happy or couldn't fit in a consequence of that is that we believe that we must be the ones who have to change or who have to adapt in order to be accepted
so there was a 2000 study that found that the more rejection you experience the more you actually do begin to cope through avoidant strategies so this was actually a study done on academics university academics who were told that their papers and manuscripts had either been rejected or not and they found in the experimental condition where you know certain participants were having papers rejected left right and center the more rejections they received fake rejections the more they withdrew the more they became quite hostile but in general the more they actually began to doubt themselves now obviously
this was an experiment these rejections actually had nothing to do with the quality of their work but they ended up really believing that just because this random person told them that their paper was terrible or that they didn't deserve some kind of accolade it must be true and very few of them said oh I don't actually think you're right I think your criticisms of me are wrong it's so bizarre how we as humans are so quick to trust other people's approval or judgments of us but we are so ready to dismiss or not even think about our own not even think about what we think and rejection will do that to
you another piece of research from the University of New South Wales here in Australia also found that you know repeated rejection is one thing sometimes for some of us all it takes is one really profound emotionally salient rejection to change you so according to this doctor who ran the study Dr Zimmerman if we experience a really unexpected romantic rejection early in life this can actually be a catalyst event for a lot of trust issues and it's very hard to understand why it's happened but it's because this experience of really committing to someone and wanting them to like you and then feeling
rejected is so painful that your brain almost promises to itself for that to never happen again.
Now if your self -worth has been depleted by a number of dates not working out a few instances of being ghosted or turned down or just even a significant one -off you may firstly try to avoid those feelings but then you'll begin to change your attitudes and your actions and one way that we do that and one way that we respond to romantic rejection is that we lower our standards and we settle.
We do this because we have likely developed an actual fear of rejection at this point so we want to prevent it from happening again and the way that we can prevent it from happening again is either a completely withdrawing or b shaping ourselves to constantly be what someone else wants because that will ensure that no one will ever make us feel the way that we've already been made to feel the second reason we may have lost our power in dating is because of a really unfortunate and painful experience of relationship trauma.
This is going to come in a lot of forms, but some examples of relationship trauma include being cheated on, even repeated instances of micro cheating, being in quite an emotionally volatile relationship where you never knew where you stood, being betrayed, a traumatic breakup, Just some examples.
Something that many of us don't know is that relationship trauma in our late teens and our early 20s does actually have the ability to reshape our attachment style.
We often tend to think that our attachment style is somewhat locked in after childhood and that the only thing that influences attachment style is our parental relationships and our attachment to them.
That is not true. A 2017 paper titled Adult Attachment, Stress and Romantic Relationships.
I actually discovered this piece of research when I was researching my book, but it found that there are three types of negative events in adulthood that can actually rewire your attachment style.
So there's negative external events.
This has nothing to do with your relationship, but still makes you feel unsteady so may have been the death of a loved one or the death of a partner or an injury or a really traumatic dangerous situation you went through with someone then we have negative relational events so conflict separation abandonment breakup and then cognitive or emotional events so this may be that your attachment style has been rewired because you as a person have started experiencing heightened levels of anxiety due to some biological change due to some cognitive change you start seeing everything with anxiety including
your relationship the biggest one though is the second relational events specifically negative relational events so much trust and vulnerability goes into caring for someone and goes into loving someone and when someone takes that trust and vulnerability and treats it like it's nothing that does leave permanent damage and it may explain why we can enter a relationship entirely secure and in an entirely healthy place only to leave it anxious or avoidant or insecure and with a whole new perspective on love.
So finally, the third reason we lose our power in dating is because we begin to adopt a scarcity mindset.
In other words, we let whoever it may be, the media, our married friends, our parents, we let them convince us that we are running out of time to find a quote unquote good one.
The scarcity mindset, it's actually an economics term and it refers to the belief that a resource is limited and that results in us making irrational decisions it's why say you're at the grocery store and you're trying to buy your favorite yogurt and suddenly there's only two of these yogurts left like it's almost sold out you only need one yogurt but you're going to buy two because this idea of scarcity is making you make irrational decisions it's the same reason why if someone tells you that a bag is one of a kind or exclusive you're more likely to want to buy it because they've created scarcity
within you where if something seems less available it actually feels more worthwhile to have.
Yes the scarcity mindset usually refers to a consumer good it can also refer to love and why we feel that a good partner is becoming a lot harder to find.
So the other important part of this concept is that it can actually be artificially altered.
So basically in economics, people can make you think that something is scarce and can make you think that something is less available and they do that as a way to make you want to buy it.
There are a lot of ways that we are made to feel like a good relationship is quite scarce at the moment, whether it's dating horror stories, whether it's, you know, how dating apps are structured, whether it's all the hit pieces people are writing in magazines that it's harder for millennials to find love, etc, etc. it's all making us very very scared I want to remind you people come on and off the market the dating market every single day people move cities people suddenly come back on the market and are ready to date again people break up there is someone perfect for you out there thinking exactly
what you were thinking right now oh my gosh there's no good people left and here you are thinking the same thing and I think that's part of the story that you're going to tell each other one day of like oh my god I'd really given up hope and here you are but in the meantime don't let a scarcity mindset take over and cause you to miss out on meeting that person because you felt like you had to hurry up and settle down I don't think that's I don't think that's the healthiest decision for you right now and I always say you would much rather be single for another 10 years and find your person at 35
or 39 or 32, then spend the next 10 years with someone that you settled for and have to break up anyways and be back in the same spot, but now just with more emotional damage.
So we lose our power because of rejection, relationship trauma, and a scarcity mindset to name the big three.
What are the consequences of this?
Well, we've already spoken about a few.
I think the biggest one is self -abandonment.
Abandoning what you need in a relationship.
Ignoring your needs just for the idea and the promise of love.
This can mean that we often let others make decisions for us.
We ignore what we need from a situation.
We ruminate constantly about whether this other person likes us rather than whether we like ourselves or whether we even like them and we also begin to tolerate behavior that we never imagined for ourself and we never imagined would be part of our love story another consequence of abandoning ourselves or lowering our standards losing our power is that I actually think we begin to feel feel it in our body feel a lot of discomfort distress and emotional pain when you're dating someone or when you know you're in the process of courting people who are treating you poorly where you feel like you have no agency
you have no control I often find that that creates a lot of bodily tension it creates real signs physical signs of emotional distress like crying a lot like feeling sore in parts of your body feeling nauseous there's a really fascinating paper that was published in 2014 and it attempted to map where we feel emotions in our body because typically we do feel emotions physically before we feel them consciously and mentally we just don't realize it and what this paper found was that when we feel discomfort, stress, anxiety, emotional tension we tend to feel at first in our face behind our eyes in our
throat in our stomach when you lose your power in dating and you are dating people who make you feel terrible you are going to feel terrible your body is going to let you know that it's not happy with these emotional circumstances i remember a friend telling me how she went through this period of dating the wrong person and she felt nauseous and ill the entire time she went to the doctor she thought she may have an ulcer she thought it was something serious maybe like a really bad bacteria when she left the relationship that illness cleared within weeks and I know that sounds quite I don't know
serendipitous or convenient or like a coincidence I promise you it's not the emotional and social interactions that you're having specifically ones that feel so intimate and vulnerable if they are not right if they don't sit right with you mentally they're not going to sit right with you physically and I think love and dating is not something that we can play games with especially if you are someone who is rather sensitive and rather romantic because it does influence you it influences your mind it influences your body it influences your soul okay so now to the juicy bit what can we do about it
we're going to take a short break but when we return I've got my five biggest tips for you today so stay tuned hey y 'all it's your girl cheekies and i'm back with a brand new season of your favorite podcast cheekies and chill i'll be sharing even more personal stories with you guys and i know a lot of people are gonna attack me why are you gonna go visit your dad your mom wouldn't be okay with it i'm gonna tell you guys right now i know my mother and i know my mom had a very forgiving heart.
That is my story on plastic surgery.
This is my truth. I think the last time I cried like that was when I lost my mom.
Like that, like yelling.
I was like, no. I was like, oh, and I thought, what did I do wrong?
And as always, you'll get my exclusive take on topics like love, personal growth, health, family ties, and more.
And don't forget, I'll also be dishing out my best advice to you on episodes of Dear Cheekies.
So my fiance and I have been together for 10 years.
And the first two years of being together, I find out he is cheating on me, not only with women, but also with men.
What should I do? Okay, where do I start?
That's not love. He doesn't love you enough because if he loved you, he'd be faithful.
It's going to be an exciting year.
And I hope that you can join me.
Listen to Cheekies and Chill season four as part of the My Cultura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I started to live a double life when I was a teenager.
Responsible and driven and wild and out of control.
My head is pounding.
I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.
It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.
Addiction took me to the darkest places.
I had an AK -47 point at my head.
But one night, a new door opened.
And I made it into the rooms of recovery.
The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses.
But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community.
And I made my way back.
This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery.
A story told in 12 steps.
Listen to Krems as part of the Michael Loura Podcast Network, available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer.
If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world -renowned product, then tune into my podcast, Building One.
There's so much to learn, Like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain.
We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard.
Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop.
I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way.
Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand?
You have to be obsessed with the current state of the human condition.
And it doesn't stop there.
What about how Glean reinvented knowledge search with AI?
You can learn about how a Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture.
Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Why would you do that to me when I thought we were friends?
We are friends. Los Angeles, 2021.
A friendly neighbor appears out of nowhere and promises to make all my dreams come true.
let's not forget that david bloom was a professional con artist so you didn't stand a chance but my dreams soon turned into a nightmare bloom generally targeted people with money and i was not alone he took over a hundred people for over 15 million dollars one of the victims was his own grandmother i was married to david for almost 10 years it was insane i was barely Really functioning, and I just had this realization that he will not stop until he kills me.
Getting a con artist to pay for their crimes isn't easy.
I'm Caroline DeMore.
Listen as I take down my scammer on Once Upon a Con on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, y 'all. I'm Maria Fernanda Diez.
My podcast, When You're Invisible, is my love letter to the working -class people and immigrants who shaped my life.
I get to talk to a lot of people who form the backbone of our society, but who have never been interviewed before.
Season two is all about community, organizing and being underestimated.
All the greatest changes have happened when a couple of people said, this sucks, let's do something about it.
I can't have more than $2 ,000 in my bank account or else I can't get disability benefits.
They won't let you succeed.
I know we get paid to serve you guys, but like be respectful we're made out of the same things bone body blood it's rare to have black male teachers sometimes i am the lesson and i'm also the testament listen to when you're invisible as part of the my cultura podcast network available on the i heart radio app apple podcasts or wherever you get your podcasts this is gonna sound so cliche and i'm sorry for in advance but it's not you it's just dating it's just the way that dating is working at the moment it's a battlefield where the way we have been socialized to date in the 21st century and to
treat others especially these days is in a very transactional way a very flippant way and also in a way that I think essentially assumes that someone better is always going to come along.
And it means that you have to have stronger boundaries and be a lot more intentional about what you want from a relationship.
If this doesn't come naturally to you, it didn't come naturally to me.
If it's been scared out of you, don't worry.
I'm going to give you the formula for how to really reapply agency and control when it comes to your dating experiences now some of these may sound kind of obvious you may have heard them before but i think the reason i'm saying them again is because they are very very important so even if they're not new to you i do hope that you still absorb them in the same way let's start with my first tip my first tip is that you need to take a dating detox you need to take a full big step back from dating before you can dive in again half the reason i find we start cutting corners with dating or giving up
control is because we are simply emotionally exhausted and our ability to uphold our values has been slowly whittled away over time if you are feeling more tired than excited to go on dates if you are dragging yourself to dates just wanting to get it over with hoping to find someone good enough so you don't have to be single anymore pause and just stop dating altogether because this is a very straight and narrow path to settling you're probably experiencing dating burnout and it's very similar to career or workplace or emotional burnout and it's very similar in the sense that it's going to get
progressively worse and worse until you do a full reset now something I see with people who are experiencing dating burnout is that they'll take a step back for like a couple of weeks that doesn't give them the chance to fully to fully fill up their cup and to restore all their depleted emotional resources I think you need six months minimum to get back to yourself post dating burnout before you are ready to date again and I'm going to give this my most profound big personal endorsement ever I actually did do a six -month dating detox before I met my partner Tom and I'm not saying that it magically
made the love of my life appear what I am saying is that I was able to really see clearly when he showed up and I was able to kind of push through all the garbage and the chaos of other people who weren't meant for me.
But if I hadn't done a dating detox, I would have overly invested in them.
My second tip, you need to have a list of non -negotiables.
This list is going to be your best friend and it will allow you to shift from seeking validation to seeking self -approval.
It will allow you to stop asking yourself, oh, do they like me?
Are they enjoying my company?
me? Do they want to go on a second date with me?
Do I like them? Did I have fun on that date?
Is this someone I could see a future with?
I think what it really does is it re -centers something that we've lost along the way.
What it re -centers is our own opinion at the center of our life.
This really is the judgment and the opinion that matters the most.
Be as selfish as you want.
I don't think we hear that a lot in life.
I think there are very few instances where society is okay with telling us to be selfish but I'm going to tell it to you right now.
Be selfish and assume that everyone else is dating with their own best interests at heart until they prove that they can be a good partner, until they prove that they are worthy of compromise or of selflessness I think you need to keep the focus squarely on you and what you want and this is where this list of non -negotiables becomes really really important because if we just say oh yeah I'm not going to compromise and we don't have a list or we don't have some idea of what we don't want to compromise on essentially we just end up doing it anyways it's like imagine going to a financial planner
and saying I want to be rich but you don't know what you want to spend that money on and you don't know what you currently spend your money on and you don't know what your essential financial needs are your financial planner is going to sit there and say so what exactly do you want from me like you're not going to be able to achieve what you want in money in life in relationships without already having a vision i'm going to give you actually my non -negotiable list i pulled this out of my notes app archives i used to bring up this list after every single first date or sometimes second date that I'd
had with someone just to be very clear with myself is this person matching my requirements or am I being delusional so this was my list they must be someone looking for monogamy they must be someone who I respect and admire they must have a career job or hobby that they're passionate about they must have time for me They must openly communicate with me.
They must want to live overseas and they must want to have a family one day.
These were all things I knew I needed to feel emotionally secure and to have a future with someone.
But they were also things that I knew that if I overlooked in the present, they would be relationship ending in the future.
And I saw dating as something I couldn't just exclusively have fun with anymore.
I was still having fun, but I knew that I was someone who got carried away very, very easily.
I got attached very, very easily.
This was my insurance.
You know, whose advice was I going to take out of anyone's?
I was probably going to take my own.
And so this was a way to say, hey, your past self thought this was important.
Why are you neglecting it now?
So make a list. It should have at least five things on your list.
If you can't think of five, I think you need to be more picky.
because there are most certainly five things that you can think of that would make a relationship perhaps not work for you.
So make sure you know what they are, you're clear about it, you reflect on past experiences and you use your list.
My third tip for reclaiming your power in dating is to stop playing games.
Stop playing games and set the example for how you want to be treated.
Dating is hard enough.
You don't need to make it any more confusing for yourself.
The kind of games I'm talking about include things like not texting them back for the same amount of time that they didn't text you.
I'm guilty of doing that once or twice.
Pretending not to be interested at parties or when you see them.
Making them jealous deliberately.
ignoring them or expecting them to read your mind or testing them without them knowing it all of this just puts up further barriers between you and the other person in all honesty i think that the games we play in the early stages of dating they are a defense mechanism i think it's a way of feeling more in control or of keeping people at a distance because of previous times that you have been hurt or you have been let down and so pretending not to be interested keeps this nice buffer between you and them where you can pretend to yourself as well or ignoring them allows you to ignore the fact that you
are actually really invested in them as a person and you do really like them and that's okay even if it doesn't work out it's really just a healthy sign that you know what you want and that you are brave enough to feel deeply about someone else that I think is, I just think that's a good sign for future relationship health.
So don't wait to text them.
Don't pretend you're not interested.
Show up the way that you would want someone else to show up for you without the games.
I think in the same vein, if someone is playing games with you, I want you to remember that a mixed signal is still a signal.
If they are making you feel anxious or uncomfortable if they are causing you to doubt yourself I need you to detach and pull all of your energy back I need you to show them very clearly this kind of behavior will not get my attention and it will not get my respect and it most certainly will not get me and honestly I actually don't think it's a bad thing to just say that to someone to just say I don't like these games and I'll be honest when I met my partner when I met my boyfriend Tom he he's a lawyer I don't think I've said that before but he's a lawyer and so he's very very busy and when we
first started dating like we would text a lot and I wouldn't hear from him for like you know four hours and I'd be like oh my god he's playing games and so I said to him I was like hey I need you to text me back quicker because this makes me feel really insecure and it makes me feel like you're not interested so if you're playing games with this like I'm not interested in it and if it's something else that I need to understand about your communication style let me know and that's how I found out that my boyfriend actually has a really healthy relationship with his phone and I perhaps do not but yes
please prioritize self -respect over temporary feelings if someone is disrespecting you playing games or they don't align align with your standards walk away I don't think your self -worth is up for negotiation the way they treat you in the beginning is the way they're going to treat you for the entire relationship it's not going to get any better than the early days when they're trying to court you please remember that if you're someone who does still find that they put the rose colored glasses on this is my litmus test this is the question i would ask myself is this the story that i would tell
about my soulmate if in the future we had children and our children asked about how we first met and how we first started dating would I want to tell them the truth about this story?
Because if someone is not giving you a good story or a good narrative or is not treating you in a way that you would be happy to tell your children or your parents or your friends how they were treating you no, they're not the one.
Okay, so my fourth tip is actually to do with a first date and how to really make sure that you are stepping into the room, the bar, wherever you are meeting this person, feeling confident, feeling like you can advocate for what you want, feeling like you have the power.
So before I would go on first dates, I used to have three or four affirmations that I would always tell myself.
I would get ready. I would listen to a specific playlist that I had made filled with like music that was over a hundred beats per minute.
it. So like high energy, exciting.
And then before I would leave, I would repeat these four affirmations, three to four affirmations to myself in the mirror.
The first one, I already have everything I need in life.
Love is just a bonus.
That was my favorite.
The second, I am enigmatic.
The third, I am masterful.
The fourth, I am confident.
The words that you speak to yourself become reality.
We see that time and time again in studies and research on positive self -talk.
You can let yourself and your sense of self be dictated by external judgments and other people's opinions or you can take all of that information and say none of this is as important as what I have to say about myself, the judgments I have of myself, how well I feel in my own body.
right before I would go into the date like I had done my positive self -talk I had done my music I had done all these little small things that made me feel like I was gonna have fun I would do this like physical exercise where I would stand outside and I would right before I would go in put my chest up shoulders back and I would just like shake everything out I do this like huge smile and I would just imagine all this energy lifting from my toes all the way to my head and I would just be ready to have a fun time and I would go in being like this could be the worst date I ever go on but at least
it's going to be a good story and at least there is nothing that this person can say or do that is going to make me feel bad about myself because I've already kind of put on this emotional armor.
I used to call this like the high value person mindset.
Basically I was doing doing everything in my power to convince myself first and foremost that I was valuable, I was deserving of love, respect, effort, that I was magnetic.
I needed to make sure I believed that about me before I was trying to convince someone else.
Often because if you really do believe that about yourself, someone else is going to immediately feel drawn to you.
As humans, we love when other people, when we can see other people respect themselves and when they are confident and when they know that they're the shit.
So my final tip for reclaiming your power in dating is to reframe rejection as filtering.
Research on rejection sensitivity shows that we obviously personalize rejection and we immediately assume that it's always coming down to something about us rather than about someone else's preferences.
This is not a you problem.
If someone doesn't like you, I need you to understand that it is their way of doing exactly what I'm asking you to do, which is advocate for yourself.
And the thing is, if they know that you are not the right match for them, it's actually a real gift that they have made that clear early on.
instead of convincing you and trying to convince themselves that this could work.
This is all just a form of filtering.
Rejection is a way of weeding out incompatible partners before you invest too much, too soon, too early.
And the fact that someone else has done it for you is great because eventually you would have found some reason to reject them and you may have felt pretty awful about it.
They've saved you the pain.
they've saved you the stress they've also saved you the cognitive and mental effort of having to figure that out for them the right person is going to come along and all of those rejections are going to feel worth it and I just want you to be someone that your soulmate would fall in love with you know I know this sounds bizarre but when I went to that really terrible period I remember saying to myself I just don't think my soulmate would fall in love with me right now because I have no love for myself and because I'm not I wouldn't I wouldn't be in this situation ready to see them for who they
are they could anyone could give me the smallest amount of interests and I would confuse them as a soulmate so I'm not actually able to delineate or tell and most importantly they could show me all the love in the world and at some level I would crave it but at another level I would think I didn't deserve it so seriously the focus has to be on you at every single every single stage until this person proves them to proves themselves to be a partner like you will find so much more success in dating when you make it a completely selfish activity when you focus on yourself and when you realize once
again you already have everything you need in life, this is just a bonus.
All right, we're going to take another little short break before we come back with our listener questions and our listener dilemmas around reclaiming power in dating.
So stay with us. I started to live a double life when I was a teenager, responsible and driven and wild and out of control.
My head is pounding.
I'm confused. I don't know why I'm in jail.
It's hard to understand what hope is when you're trapped in a cycle of addiction.
Addiction took me to the darkest places.
I had an AK -47 pointed at my head.
But one night, a new door opened and I made it into the rooms of recovery.
The path would have roadblocks and detours, stalls and relapses.
But when I was feeling the most lost, I found hope with community and I made my way back.
This season, join me on my journey through addiction and recovery.
A story told in 12 steps.
Listen to Krems as part of the Michael Lura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey y 'all, it's your girl Cheekies, and I'm back with a brand new season of your favorite podcast, Cheekies and chill.
I'll be sharing even more personal stories with you guys.
And I know a lot of people are going to attack me.
Why are you going to go visit your dad?
Your mom wouldn't be okay with it.
I'm going to tell you guys right now, I know my mother.
And I know my mom had a very forgiving heart.
That is my story on plastic surgery.
This is my truth. I think the last time I cried like that was when I lost my mom.
Like that like yelling.
I was like, no. I was like, oh.
And I thought, what did I do wrong?
And as always, you'll get my exclusive take on topics like love, personal growth, health, family ties, and more.
And don't forget, I'll also be dishing out my best advice to you on episodes of Dear Cheekies.
So my fiancé and I have been together for 10 years.
In the first two years of being together, I find out he is cheating on me, not only with women, but also with men.
What should I do? Okay, where do I start?
That's not love. He doesn't love you enough because if he loved you, he'd be faithful.
It's going to be an exciting year.
And I hope that you can join me.
Listen to Cheekies and Chill season four as part of the My Cultura podcast network available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's chief product officer.
If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, the insights behind what it takes to create a world -renowned product, then tune in to my podcast, Building One.
There's so much to learn, like how Patagonia innovates with its supply chain.
We had to go out to farmers and convince them it was really damn hard.
Or the way Adobe thinks about the first interaction somebody has with Photoshop.
I was always so fascinated by how people navigate and find their way.
Ever wanted to know how Nike builds emotion into the Jordan brand?
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And it doesn't stop there.
What about how Gleam reinvented knowledge search with AI?
You can learn about how Michelin star chef is redesigning seeds for flavor and how Pixar is nurturing a creative culture.
Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Why would you do that to me when I thought we were friends?
We are friends. Los Angeles 2021 A friendly neighbor appears out of nowhere And promises to make all my dreams come true Let's not forget that David Bloom was a professional con artist So you didn't stand a chance But my dreams soon turned into a nightmare Bloom generally targeted people with money And I was not alone He took over a hundred people for over 15 million dollars One of the victims was his own grandmother I was married to David for almost 10 years.
It was insane. I was barely functioning.
And I just had this realization that he will not stop until he kills me.
Getting a con artist to pay for their crimes isn't easy.
Charge David Blue! I'm Caroline DeMory.
Listen as I take down my scammer on Once Upon a Con on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Hey, y 'all. I'm Maria Fernanda Diez.
My podcast, When You're Invisible, is my love letter to the working class people and immigrants who shaped my life.
I get to talk to a lot of people who form the backbone of our society, but who have never been interviewed before.
Season two is all about community, organizing, and being underestimated.
All the greatest changes have happened when a couple of people said, this sucks, let's do something about it.
I can't have more than $2 ,000 in my bank account or else I can't get disability benefits.
They won't let you succeed.
I know we get paid to serve you guys, but like, be respectful.
We're made out of the same things.
Bone, body, blood. It's rare to have black male teachers.
Sometimes I am the lesson and I'm also the testament.
Listen to When You're Invisible as part of the My Cultura podcast network.
Available on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
So question one from a listener.
I get attached way too quickly, but I like that I love people deeply.
How do I balance those?
I want to firstly say I actually don't think that it's a bad thing to get attached too quickly.
I know it can like feel kind of painful for us.
But if the reason you don't like that you get attached too quickly is because other people shame you for it or because you feel like people get scared off, I don't think they're the one.
I don't think that they're the one if you put everything on the table and they go, oh, that's awkward.
So the shame around getting attached too quickly, I'll never understand.
What I do understand is the difficulty that comes with seeing people for their potential and not for what they're actually going to give you or for their actions or for who they are.
so I would say for the first month if you get attached too quickly just roll back the emotional investment so you're not completely cutting them off I've often had this problem in the past where I know I can get attached really really quickly so I kind of deny myself any access to that person thinking that it's going to stop things no what we want is a balanced access so limit how much you see them don't try and rush the timeline in fact create milestones for you now that you have to have to stick to so basically create like a calendar for yourself that you know this person isn't allowed to meet
your friends before week six no overnight stays before week four no weekend trips before week eight don't meet the parents before month three basically despite everything that you want to do I want you to commit to these previous limits that you have put on any relationship that you are in such that you don't end up speeding down this road and it ends up being a dead -end street and you crash at the end and you feel you know a bit embarrassed for having introduced them to family or having made such an investment of time and energy in them before they prove themselves to you so spend as much time
as you can getting to know them before you progress to that next stage of a relationship all right so question number two should you hold off on sex to reclaim your power this is an interesting one because I feel like this idea of holding off sex kind of comes from like a purity culture perspective but I do also think that sometimes we use sex as a way to like make someone like us a little bit too soon when I was single I found that when you slept with someone didn't really matter because if they were going to respect you they would regardless of when you chose to be intimate if you slept with them
on the first date versus the 10th date if that person was real and if they really liked you it wouldn't scare them off also they were involved as well you know it's not like they're thinking you're giving it up too early and that's a sign that like you're this impure person or like that you're loose because they are equally doing it so that logic like never really made sense for me for me i think reclaiming my power was deciding that if i wanted to have sex on the first day that was fine if i wanted to have sex on the 20th date that was also fine my power came from deciding for myself my Like
power came from not being rushed into it and making sure that I examined my intentions so that the only reason I was doing it wasn't just to, you know, keep them for a little bit longer because I thought that's what they wanted from me.
I just think properly evaluate what tone you want to set, what you're after and whether you feel like emotionally prepared for that vulnerability, whether you would be okay with sleeping with them and not wanting anything serious, whether you feel like you need to have sex with them just for them to like you like if that's your only reason definitely don't have sex with them but if it feels like a natural progression of the relationship and if you want to do it you should totally totally do it I think again it comes back to playing games if someone isn't going to respect you um or isn't going
to make you feel in control or you're not going to feel powerful if you have sex with them don't do it but yes I don't think that I don't know I don't want to say it doesn't really matter because it does matter but I think that if it's going to change someone's opinion of you then they're probably not the right person all right question number three how to put yourself out there when you've never been in a relationship before this is actually a question I get quite a lot I think there are a lot more late bloomers in our 20s and in this decade than we imagine there is a huge focus on dating and sex
and having these romantic experiences as like a rite of passage if you're not quite there yet honestly I'm excited for you I really am quite excited for you because there is so much really amazing stuff to come and the experience of falling in love for the first time and having your first boyfriend or girlfriend or partner like it is actually it's just a really fun experience so don't feel like you've fallen behind feel like there is just so much opportunity ahead of you I wish sometimes that I could go back going to experience falling in love again for the first time all over again because it
is so beautiful but in terms of dealing with the insecurity of going out there and feeling like oh my god everyone like I've never dated before this is a new thing shift your mindset to think of it like an experiment and it makes it feel less serious so commit to like a three -month experiment of asking people out being forward getting on the app getting on the apps making the first move asking friends to set you up and just go on as many dates as you can whether it's amazing terrible awful it's all data it's all research each experience is an important one even if it's bad because it's all about getting
comfortable with being visible and being seen and building up those dating skills because it really is such a skill to be able to talk to someone that you don't know and find out the information that you want to know and it is a real skill to be vulnerable and it is a real skill to have confidence in these situations and to be self -assured so i think you just need to move past firstly that mental barrier and then the social barrier and just get more experience up oh i'm actually just so excited for people who are in this situation i feel like not being in a relationship feels like a burden especially
if you're at a certain age but actually it's kind of a blessing because you get to be more mature when you step into your first relationship and you've saved like such a beautiful thing to come a little bit later so you have more time to really savor it so I don't want to be like toxic positivity on you I do just want you to see like the grass is greener perspective you know as someone who's been in quite a few relationships who started dating really early like sometimes I do look at the experiences of people who have waited a bit longer and have just been like wow i'm really excited for you and it's
quite a magical time all right fourth and final question for today how to come back from a horrible date that you feel completely defeated by one word and one word only it's humor it's humor laugh about it with your friends treat it like a good story even write like a funny story about it in your notes app like almost in the sense of this is a story that could go in like your biography or whatever and just remember that we've all been there these are the stories that I think really exhaust us right we've all been through a really terrible date where we thought it was going to go really really
amazing and this person has just been rude they've not been what we expected it just hasn't turned out right it's all for the plot and the first thing I would do is call your friends, laugh about it with them, write about it, post like a funny private Instagram story, just anything so that you can turn away from despair and to laughter.
Because I think if you let those bad dates really get you down, you're going to start expecting a bad date from every single person.
And then you start acting like they've already disappointed you.
And then you both end up disappointed.
So keep it light, keep it fun, keep it airy.
And remember that if this person has problems that they've projected on you and if they've treated you poorly or just been like a dick that all comes down to their insecurity please don't let them drag you down as well don't let them make you think that you don't deserve love and don't make them think that the next day isn't going to be better because I promise that it will be sometimes it is just a numbers game I don't know there's so many theories about this it's a numbers game it happens when you least expect it there's one soulmate for all of us i think the defining theme of dating in your
20s and reclaiming your power during this period is just to go out there and have fun and be open to the opportunity of romance even if you've been burnt before so i want to thank you all for listening if you made it this far drop a little rose emoji down below i love knowing how many of you listen to the full episode it always makes me feel so so special if you have further like dating dilemmas or questions about reclaiming your power also drop them in the comments i'll be around answering some of them make sure that you are following us on instagram so that if you have your own listener question for future
episodes you are around to ask them and you know when they are going up if you haven't already make sure you subscribe to us on youtube we have video coming out very very soon and follow along the podcast right here where you are now give us a five -star review join the community we'd love to have you around and we'd love to let you know when we have new episodes dropping twice a week every tuesday and friday but until next time stay safe be kind be gentle with yourself especially in today's dating climate and we will talk very very soon I'm Emi Olea, host of the podcast Crumbs.
For years, I had to rely on other people to tell me my story.
And what I heard wasn't good.
You really f***ed last night.
It felt like I lived most of my life in a blackout.
I was trapped in addiction.
I had to grab the lamp and smash it against the walls.
And then I decided I wanted to tell my own story.
Listen to Crumbs on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
I'm Tomer Cohen, LinkedIn's Chief Product Officer.
If you're just as curious as I am about the way things are built, then tune in to my podcast, Building One.
I speak with some of the best product builders out there.
I've always been inspired by frustration.
It came back to my own personal pinpoint.
So we had to go out to farmers and convince them.
Following that curiosity is a superpower.
You have to be obsessed with the human condition.
Listen to Building One on the iHeartRadio app, Apple, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Ever wonder what it would be like to be mentored by today's top business leaders?
My podcast, This Is Working, can help with that.
Here's some advice from Jamie Dimon, the CEO of JPMorgan Chase, on standing out from the leadership crowd.
Develop your EQ. A lot of people have plenty of brains, but EQ is, do you trust me?
Do I communicate well?
Develop the team, develop the people, create a system of trust, and it works over time.
I'm Dan Roth, LinkedIn's editor -in -chief.
On my podcast, This Is Working, leaders share strategies for success.
Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Catch Jon Stewart back in action on The Daily Show and in your ears with The Daily Show Ears Edition podcast.
From his hilarious satirical takes on today's politics and entertainment to the unique voices of correspondents and contributors, it's your perfect companion to stay on top of what's happening now.
Plus, you'll get special content just for podcast listeners, like in -depth interviews and a roundup of the week's top headlines.
Listen on the iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, or wherever you get your podcasts.
Are you hungry? Coleen Witt here and Eating While Broke is back for Season 4 every Thursday on the Black Effect Podcast Network.
This season, we've got a legendary lineup serving up broke dishes and even better stories.
On the menu, we have Tony Baker, Nick Cannon, Melissa Ford, October London, and Carrie Harper Howie turning Big Macs into big moves.
Catch Eating While Broke every Thursday on the Black Effect Podcast Network, iHeartRadio app, Apple Podcasts, wherever you get your favorite shows.
Come Hungry for season four.
