It is 1130 PM as I'm recording this. And let me tell you, it is past my bedtime.
OK, I have been going to bed at promptly 930 p.m. every night this week.
And wow, has it been amazing and refreshing, but not tonight.
No, not tonight. because tonight I'm feeling a little bit chatty.
Yes. I'm feeling a little bit chatty I'm in the mood to talk I'm in the mood to hang out I'm in the mood for a sleepover vibe Except not really, because I've never really liked sleepovers very much.
The older I get, the more I warm up to sleepovers.
I used to be the kid that had to get picked up once all the other kids went to bed at a sleepover because I was like, well, I can't handle this.
Psychologically, I can't handle this. I'm not exactly sure why, but I can't handle this.
I used to freak out at sleepovers. It was my worst nightmare.
I was a very anxious child. But even now, I don't love a sleepover.
I just don't. I think the reason why I don't like them now is less because I'm anxious and scared of being in a new place and it's more the awkwardness around what time we go to bed.
Like who stops talking first? Like if it's a sleepover where everyone's sleeping in the same room, it's like, okay, when do we stop talking and just go to bed?
And a lot of times the talking goes on so late because nobody wants to be the one to be like, okay, we need to go to bed now.
Because it's not fun to be that person. Nobody wants to be that person.
You know what I'm saying? Yeah, so anyway, I don't like sleepovers.
But I'm in a sleepover mood. So we're up past my bedtime.
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So listen, I feel like I owe you an update. on my nicotine quitting journey because I've made two episodes now about my journey.
And as far as you know, things are going great.
They're not going phenomenal, but they're going great.
Last time you heard, I had gotten through the first few weeks of painful withdrawal filled with anxiety, depression, sleepless nights, too much sleeping, one or the other, intense cravings, mood swings, etc., etc.
And I had switched over from using a vape to using nicotine pouches that had a lower amount of nicotine in them.
So I was slowly but surely tapering off the nicotine. using these nicotine pouches that I put in my mouth.
So I have a really disappointing update for you.
I mean, it's not going well. It's going terrible.
In fact, I have a vape in my pocket right now.
It's going that bad. I'm not proud to tell you this.
I feel deeply ashamed and I'm not sure if I necessarily should.
I don't know if it's healthy to feel ashamed because I guess I'm doing my best. to quit and inspire others to quit.
But I'm not leading by example very well right now.
I'm not leading by example at all because.
I'm fully vaping again, okay? I'm back and I'm not proud of it.
And I'm planning on quitting again. But I wanna sort of tell you what happened.
You know, I was doing so well And then boom, I'm back and I'm vaping again.
I want to tell you how this happens so that we can both learn from it.
So it all started when I went through a little breakup.
Just a little breakup. Ooh, not good. Ooh, that hurt.
Listen. Whether you've been through a breakup or not, you know that that shit sucks.
It just sucks. even if it's the right thing to do, even if it was super civil, and everyone's still... cool with each other and it's the best case scenario.
Doesn't matter. Doesn't matter. still wreaks havoc on your brain.
And I will say that I, have been handling this situation way better than I anticipated, would I say I'm like, I'm slaying?
Actually, yeah. I'm doing pretty well. for someone going through a breakup, you know what I mean?
Like, yeah, I'm doing well for somebody going through a breakup.
I'm not doing well compared to like the average person.
Going through a breakup is terrible. I think it hurts a little differently for everyone.
For me personally, it sort of rocked my foundation a little bit.
I have a very small circle of people in my life and every single person in my little world are very significant to me.
And Losing one of those people is catastrophic for me.
Uh, it's a catastrophe. Not really. You know, we can get through anything, right?
But it feels catastrophic. And I also think I have a hard time trusting people a little more just because, I don't know, in my industry, A lot of people are trying to use you for things and it's hard to find somebody who just genuinely loves you and appreciates you for you.
So I find that I have a particularly challenging time finding people who I can really trust because People see that you have a certain amount of Instagram followers and suddenly they think of you differently.
And I don't like that. I want to be held to the same standard as everyone else because I know that Instagram followers or whatever, it doesn't matter, but not everyone feels this way.
So yeah, I tend to have a hard time finding people that I trust.
And it's a catastrophe for me when, one of those people disappears out of my life.
Even though I handled the breakup very well, I still was a little bit of a mess.
But whenever I'm going through a challenging time, my dad always tells me to make a plan.
Make a plan. What are you going to do? to get through this and be stronger on the other side.
And one of the things that I really wanted to do was continue to be more social. and continue to make more friends in a more intentional way because For a few years there, I was very focused on being in a relationship and working on my career.
And that was great, and that made sense for the time.
It was definitely very isolating and I have no regrets because it was a crucial time for me.
But it left me with. as I mentioned earlier, a very small circle of people in my life.
One of my priorities was like, hey, let's broaden this circle.
Let's open this circle up. Let's bring more people in.
Let's have more people around. So I've been really utilizing my weekends, okay?
Friday, Saturday. to go and be social like a normal fucking 22 year old. something I haven't really done very much yet.
So I've been going out. I go to bars. I go to little parties.
You know, I'm doing the thing. But I know, you know, my limits.
Like I'm not going too crazy. I'm being responsible in my opinion, you know?
I drink very moderately. Glass of wine at dinner, maybe a tequila soda out at the bar, call it a night.
Sometimes no drink at all. Maybe I'm driving that night.
And then every once in a while, maybe I'll have majority of a bottle of wine at dinner.
That's happened once or twice. But overall, I'd say I'm pretty good.
I don't do any drugs, not for me. Though by some miracle, I'm staying up so late.
I have been staying out until like five in the morning some nights.
Whenever I tell people this, they're like, okay, so you're on drugs.
I'm not, I don't know how I'm able to do it, but I'm able to push all night.
I think it's like excitement. It's like this weird... innocent excitement that I have to be out You know, because it's still kind of new for me when I moved to L.A. when I was 17.
I didn't go to college, so I'm not going to frat parties.
I'm not going to all these college parties.
And the kids that I hung out with when I moved here didn't really like to party.
And Whenever I would get invited to a party, I don't know.
I just wouldn't really participate. I didn't really feel like I fit in.
I felt Like I wasn't supposed to be there because I wasn't, I was very young, but.
I don't know I've never really been someone who consistently went and hung out at bars or went to parties.
And it's good for me in most ways. It's good for me socially.
I've been meeting new friends, meeting new people.
It's been great. It's been really fun and exhilarating.
A little bit spooky, but overall exhilarating and fun.
It's weirdly made me more focused and less burnt out in a lot of ways.
It's made me happier. I like being around people. in this phase of my life.
I feel more extroverted in this phase of my life.
So it's benefiting me there. Okay, so here's where it's not benefiting me. everyone vapes.
It's just the times that we live in. There are so many people vaping all the time.
And, I think this combination of me going through a breakup And then being around all these people vaping, I was doomed.
I was doomed. And it started with me hitting people's vapes being like, oh man I wish I could hit that and then they're like just hit it and I'm like no And they're like, come on.
And I'm like, fuck it, okay. And every time I would do it, I'd be like, damn it.
That's so bad, Emma. You're so bad. You're really bad.
Why would you do that? But then it got really bad because I went out and I fucking bought myself one.
I don't remember why. I think I was having a really tough day not about anything in particular, but just in general.
And I was feeling really down and just depressed almost.
And I was like, fuck it. I don't care about anything.
I'm just going to go buy a vape. That'll make me feel better.
And then it's just been plateaued from there.
You know, that's where I'm at. My emotional state has improved since that day.
Nothing has changed. I'm continuing to vape.
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Mentos gum. Yes to fresh. When you're addicted to something, it's so easy to just make excuses for yourself that are completely invalid.
I always have some sort of excuse for myself when I'm like, oh, I need to quit again.
Like, come on, Emma, what are you doing?
I'll think about it for a second and I'm like, but come on, like you just, went through a really tough time with your love life.
So it's totally okay. Or like, well, everyone else is vaping.
So it's like, whatever, it's fine. No, none of that is true.
It's so crazy how easy it is to convince yourself that what you're doing is fine when it's not.
And I've been playing that silly little game in my head for the last few weeks because My willpower is low.
We have to use willpower every day. for various different things that we deal with in life.
We have to use willpower to not say something rude to our teacher or to our boss.
We have to use willpower to exercise. You have to use willpower to not go and text our ex or something.
You know what I'm saying? We're constantly using willpower.
And I don't know. Sometimes it can feel like you just don't have any left again.
That's not a proper excuse either. But I think that that's how I've been feeling recently is like, oh my God, I'm using so much willpower in all these other areas of my life.
I can't use it here, but I can. I can. And that's just another excuse.
Okay, so I'm back. I'm back. I'm vaping.
I'm not proud of it. And I'm mortified to come on here and tell you this, but listen, I made the decision to involve the internet, you listening on this journey with me and I got to show you the good, the bad, and the ugly.
I think it's been great to share this experience with the internet because it's held me accountable.
To be honest, I probably would have gone back to vaping like a week after mentally deciding I was going to quit, had I not shared that I wanted to do this with the internet.
But because I told everybody I was quitting, every time I'd have an urge, I was like, I can't go back and tell everyone. nevermind.
Like that would destroy me. So it definitely held me accountable.
But It's also added a level of pressure that is arguably not helpful.
I don't know. I can't decide. And listen, this is something I did to myself.
So None of you are putting pressure on me.
I'm putting pressure on me. for you, from you.
Does that make sense? Like you're not even putting pressure on me, but I'm just assuming that you are, which is then, causing me to feel pressure.
I feel 10 times more guilty about using the vape again because I shared it with the internet.
And I'm not sure what that says about me and the value that I put on the opinions of the general internet.
I mean, I do respect the people who listen to my podcast.
So I guess it does make sense that I care about making the people who listen to my podcast proud.
But at the same time, it's an abstract group of people.
I don't know, but I feel 10 times guiltier about, being back on the vape.
And arguably this is good because I should feel bad about it.
You know, it's not something that I should be doing.
And I know that I need to quit. But That shame and pressure to do better can sometimes backfire in a weird way.
And I've noticed that this has sort of happened with me in my subconscious.
The guilt and shame and pressure that I'm feeling almost caused me to rebel and just be like, well, fuck it.
I don't care. I'm just going to keep doing it then.
Because the shame and pressure make me feel bad about myself.
And when you feel bad about yourself, you have much less motivation to do something that requires a level of willpower.
You just don't care. You don't value yourself enough. to do something challenging to benefit yourself.
Weirdly, I think keeping these sorts of journeys to yourself can be valuable Because you're able to go on the journey on your own and inevitably you're going to fuck up.
But instead of having to ask three other people or a hundred other people for forgiveness when you fuck up you only have to ask yourself and arguably that's easier and much better.
But on the other hand, we can have a tendency to make excuses for ourselves.
And so it can be really nice to have people holding you accountable.
So I'm sort of torn. I have no regrets about sharing this journey with the internet, but I've noticed how it's impacted the way I'm processing the situation, the way that I'm handling the situation and I'm just sharing that with you so that you can consider it if you ever need to quit something.
Or change something about yourself. And you're trying to decide whether or not to share that. with others.
I think it depends on you and it depends on the severity of the situation, you know?
I think it's also really hard to share your journey with others because when you make a brief slip up, Instead of just leaving that in the past and doing better tomorrow, you might feel a pressure to. tell everyone who knows about your journey that you made a slip up.
And that makes you relive your slip up more times than you may need to.
It can be a lot easier to slip up and then just say, you know what?
Fuck it. That was a slip up. Let's move on.
Let's just do better tomorrow. And if it's a journey that you're going on personally in your own mind and universe and no one else knows and it doesn't matter if other people see you slip up or this or that because I
Only you know what your end goal is. And there's nobody pointing out this or pointing out that.
And there's no one to update on this fuck up or that fuck up.
I don't know. I'm really... conflicted on what the best method is.
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Here's the moral of the story. This shit is not gonna be linear.
It's not gonna be perfect. When there's something in your life that you know you need to change, You can't expect that journey to be picture perfect.
There are going to be bumps. There are going to be big fuck-ups.
There are going to be small fuck-ups. There are going to be epiphanies.
And if you keep pushing and you keep trying and you don't give up and you don't, Let your self-esteem get destroyed over it by remembering, that you're human and this is just what happens when humans try to change things, then eventually you'll succeed.
And I know for me, I know I'll quit. I know I will.
And some of you out there might have your doubts right now.
And you know what? I can handle that. I can handle that because I know I will quit.
It might be in a month and it might be in 20 years, but I will quit.
No, it'll be sooner than 20 years. It might take a little longer than a month.
I'm realizing that this is much more challenging than I initially thought.
I really thought I'd be done by now. And I'm not, this is going to be a journey. but I'm not gonna give up on myself and I'm not gonna let this failure change the way I see myself.
I'm still awesome. I'm still tough and cool.
And eventually I'll do this. But by the way, there are so many other things that I'm trying to change simultaneously.
I think we can all relate to this. There's usually not just one thing that we want to change about ourselves. yeah, I want to stop using the vape, but I also... and managing my social media addiction.
Listen, I know we're all sick of talking about it, but We all have social media addictions.
Okay, sorry. There might be a few of you out there who are different. but most of us do.
That's something that I'm constantly working on.
I have, these phases where I'm really good and my relationship with social media is really healthy, And then I have phases where I just waste my life on there for weeks. just scrolling and looking.
I'm also working on being less self-deprecating.
For a long time, I didn't know why I was that way.
Upon further reflection, I think it is a defense mechanism I use. to avoid people saying mean things about me.
I want to be the first one to say it. It also lessens the possibility of embarrassment if I'm just constantly self-deprecating, then I'm less likely to get embarrassed because again, I embarrass myself first, but I'm trying not to do that anymore.
Because I don't think that that's good for my self-esteem or for those around me.
It's not. enjoyable for people to hear.
People don't like when I'm self-deprecating.
They're like, that's not nice. Don't say that. about yourself and then I'm like, okay, but that's my prerogative.
I can say whatever I want about myself. But I also know what they mean.
It's like, it's uncomfortable when somebody is talking shit about themselves too much.
Yeah, a little self-deprecating jab here or there.
Fun. But I've... gone into a routine of constantly saying self-deprecating things about myself.
And that's just not pleasant to be around.
So I'm working on that. You get my point here.
We're all constantly working on changing things about ourselves.
And it is a long and bumpy road. Some of the changes that we try to make to ourselves take a lifetime.
We never fully reach a point that we're satisfied with and that's okay too.
But as long as you're going in the right direction, vaguely, and you keep doing your best, everything's going to be okay.
I don't know when I'm going to update you next about my nicotine quitting journey.
I might update you in a month. I might update you in five years.
But listen, if you see me out hitting the vape, You have the right to come up to me and say, Emma, put that thing down.
I wish I had a better update for you. I really do.
I hope you're not too disappointed in me.
You can be disappointed in me. Like that's fine.
I can handle that. Just be kind of gentle.
Anyway. My nicotine quitting update. Super disappointing edition.
Yeah, not my proudest moment, but... I don't know.
I have a good feeling about 2024 for me.
I feel like it's going to be a year of cleansing my body of unwanted chemicals such as nicotine, really finding myself again, I don't know.
When you're in your 20s, you're constantly losing yourself and then finding yourself again, right?
Isn't that what they all say? So I don't know, maybe 2024 will be a year of finding myself again.
I'm also... Expecting... a really interesting style shift for myself.
I feel like my clothing is gonna get more exciting for me.
I think it's going to be one of those years where it's hot girl winter, then it's hot girl spring.
Then it's hot girl summer, obviously. Then it's hot girl fall.
So I'm like kind of feeling that. trajectory coming through for me for 2024. just 2024 being my year.
See, this is honestly like, Actually, me making an excuse for myself again, me being like, 2024 is my year.
I'm going to quit the vape. It'll be like such a hot year for me like that. is me subconsciously saying, I don't have to quit till 2024.
Yeah, I still have a lot of work to do. All right, well, listen, I love you all and I appreciate you all.
And I hope you're having a gorgeous day.
And if you're not, I hope tomorrow's gorgeous.
And if tomorrow's not either, you'll have a gorgeous day soon.
It'll come at some point. It has to. And if you enjoy Anything Goes, Listen anywhere you stream podcasts.
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And that's all. That's all I have. That's all I got.
I'll talk to you soon. Until then. Just know that I love you and appreciate you.
Bye.
