Discussion keeps the world turning.
This is Roundtable.
You're listening to Roundtable with myself, He -Young.
I'm joined by Steve Hathaway and Yuxun in the studio.
Coming up, passive -aggressive people are like, no worries, but you know you're definitely being cursed out in their head.
Today we're diving into the drama of passive aggression, where feelings are hidden, but The tone loud.
And apparently a snack shaped like a Pokemon is worth more than your car.
Forget stocks, just hunt for rare cheese puffs.
What's going on there?
Our podcast listeners can find us at Roundtable China on Apple Podcast. Got a question that's keeping you curious from social issues to tech and everything in between?
Let us take a stab at it.
Email us at roundtablepodcastatqq .com.
Now let's switch it up.
We've all been there.
You ask your partner, are we okay?
And they hit you with a, we're fine.
You know that toad.
It's the international signal for you should be very, very worried.
And it's not just at home.
At work, passive aggressive behavior can be even sneakier.
Think of the co -worker who says, oh, I didn't realize you were handling that.
My bad. With a sweet smile and the faintest whiff of judgment.
or the manager who leaves you out of the meeting and then says, I figured you were too busy.
You've got so much on your plate.
Thanks, I guess. Whether it's weaponized politeness, sarcasm that's just a little bit too sharp, or compliments that feel like low key insults, passive aggression is everywhere.
It's messy, confusing, and sometimes even kind of funny until it is not.
So why do people do it?
Is it about avoiding conflict, maintaining control, or just not having the tools to express frustration directly?
Let's talk about it, because sometimes the things left unsaid are the loudest of all.
What is passive aggression exactly from the aggressors point of view?
Yeah, passive aggressive behavior is an indirect way of showing someone else some negative emotions like you're angry or you're irritated, but you're not yelling at them and you're not saying to them, hey, I'm angry.
It's very subtle. It's not obvious.
It can be hard to recognize sometimes and this can be really damaging to relationships both your personal relationships and your workplace relationships too.
There's a lot of passive aggressive behavior that happens in companies all around the world, I would say.
some of these common manifestation of these behavior is that a behavior or should I say it's it's kind of a sentence it can be behavior or it can be words right and and passive -aggressive behavior can manifest itself in different ways one of the ways is you bottle up your anger even if you feel upset you might feel really annoyed but you say just like Hyung said I'm fine well you're not fine.
But you're not saying it.
That's passive that's an example of passive aggressive behavior.
Are you okay? You seem like you're upset.
No I'm okay well that's passive aggressive behavior.
That sounds like what happens for in a lot of romantic relationships and when the person being asked thinks I cannot believe that you don't know I am upset and you're asking me that if I'm then of course I'm not going to admit to that.
I'm just going to say fine.
Yeah, exactly. Anger builds up inside you.
And another example of passive -aggressive behavior is you will cut people off.
You'll just cut them off.
And that might be your way of dealing with your emotions.
You could block somebody on your smartphone.
You could cut them out of your life and not even explain to them why they're confused because you never really expressed how you feel.
That's another example of passive aggressive behavior.
You don't I guess when people are acting in this way it could be because, well there could be a plethora of reasons, right?
There could be a million reasons behind why you're behaving Like this and one of the reasons could be is that you don't know how to say No, so you'll actually delay doing things or even worse.
You'll do it poorly instead When somebody asks you to do something you don't have that Confidence or you don't have the ability to stand up and say actually no, I don't want to do that.
That's not okay with me and even though that's what you really want to say, so then it comes out in other ways.
You delay. You do a bad job.
Things like that. I guess an example of this to take it out of the workplace, let's say that a parent signs a child up for, I don't know, a violin class.
The child doesn't want to go to the violin class, but they don't say anything.
But when they go to the violin in class, they don't give any effort.
They do poorly almost on purpose to get out of it.
That's an example of passive aggressive behavior.
I wish if I'm the parent that the kid just would be able to express firmly and clearly, and that would save up so much of my money and time.
Yeah. But anyhow. In a perfect world, not just children.
That's how we hope we could all behave. But am I alone when I say, I think every person on the planet has behaved passive -aggressively at least once or twice in their lives, and I think people do it when they don't even realize that they're doing it.
Here's another example.
Sometimes people are afraid of conflict, right?
So when a disagreement happens, they'll tend to shut down or they want to avoid that confrontation And that might come out in different ways.
Yeah, you'll avoid people at the office because you just don't wanna have a difficult conversation with them.
That's passive aggressive behavior.
But I think the person that's doing it doesn't even necessarily realize that it's passive aggressive behavior.
I think a lot of the time, it's not a conscious decision.
Nobody sits down and says, I'm gonna be super passive aggressive today.
It's Thursday, it's passive aggressive day.
Right. No, nobody makes those types of decisions it just kind of manifests itself.
Meaning it just kind of comes out of you in different styles.
Well it's good if we know that there's such a thing.
Such a psyche of passive -aggressive thinking.
And I think for a lot of people sure they're not numbering the day to become okay today to engage in passive -aggressive behavior.
But a lot of the times people know they don't really want to do this particular thing that's in front of them.
Yeah. And also when it's dealing with other people.
But just to avoid direct conflict, to avoid saying no, to avoid being socially awkward or upsetting other people and not to come off as a difficult person.
So many - everybody is experiencing this because you can't say yes to everything or you're not happily saying yes to everything.
So this could happen.
that's why I was thinking it just it's so subtle that it could be recognized as Someone's characteristic, you know Some people they don't just say it directly and they have that kind of habit of using that kind of language for example by seeing Like I want you to be here They they try to say I want you to be here, but it's it.
They're just actually saying why you're not here Yeah, like in a reverse way.
In that way, it could like basically harm the people that is communicating with you or maybe even harm yourself when you are having all of that negative emotions in your mind and you cannot actually let it out because you want the other side to understand what you're actually thinking about.
So, something about passive -aggressive is this person is obviously unhappy, and then there's anger, but you just don't want to express it in a direct way.
And I can see this in our Chinese culture, because we - or - well, actually, in many parts of the Chinese culture, as well as other East Asian cultures too, being direct is often seen as rude, or confrontation.
Oh no, no. You don't want that, especially in the workplace, especially when it comes to expressing dissatisfaction.
So instead of openly saying, I disagree, I don't like this, I'm upset, people might communicate through indirect cues, subtle hints or yes, passive aggressive behaviors.
That's a great point because this might ...
Depending on the language and depending on the culture of a language, right?
Passive aggressive behavior might be more easily identifiable.
The concept of being passive aggressive is very well established and very well known in Western culture.
Maybe I should say in English.
Because everybody can...
Everybody recognizes it and people will call you out on it.
stop being passive -aggressive, just tell me how you feel.
Whereas in other languages and other cultures around the world, that might just be part of being polite.
Yeah. So it might be misidentified as being passive -aggressive when actually it's just the way that people tend to communicate with each other.
When, getting through the paper and to research about this idea of passive -aggressive, You know, I can understand these behaviors and reactions and feelings.
But in the Chinese context, it seems like person, you know, this person like rarely describes things this way.
You know, we don't have actually a Chinese word for passive -aggressive, I would say.
I think so. It's not that well -known, but you can translate it.
Yeah, you can, of course we can direct translate it.
But there is not a, you know, well -known or like common phrase or for people to actually describe this kind of behavior or kind of thing, you know, maybe as you mentioned, this could be a kind of cultural factors.
So these behaviors might be seen as in some way, reasonable or even normal or be seen as just being polite.
I agree and disagree, I think sure, without, see, this is interesting.
Sometimes we need these language terms. it gives you license and also it gives you the tool to identify certain phenomena.
And passive aggressiveness, well passive aggression, excuse me, can be one of them.
And in the past, maybe we just think, oh, this is maybe embedded in our culture, maybe because we want to save face instead of creating open conflict, people may choose subtle signals to avoid embarrassment and that's consideration for both parties.
Maybe in our Chinese culture, we were thinking that this is emotional restraint as a virtue, showing strong emotion, especially anger or dissatisfaction can be viewed as immature or undisciplined.
So these feelings are tucked away and sometimes leak out sideways.
But with this term now in English, it's so widespread, but it may be in China, we're still learning, And then it's cool.
Now, you know, when your boss, when your boyfriend or whoever, they're doing this, maybe there is a reason why they're doing that and they're practicing that skill.
And that might not always be good.
In fact, in English it's been seen as a very negative term, isn't it?
Yeah, it is a negative term.
There's no positive connotations with being passive aggressive.
No way. People look at it in a negative way.
I thought this was kind of interesting, this is from an HR website from 2023, there was a survey done from a language learning platform called Preply, and they found that 83 % of workers said they've received a passive -aggressive email or message at work, but also 44 % of workers admitted to being passive -aggressive at the office as well.
I can relate to that because a lot of the times you just, sorry, I'm kind of running in circles again, you don't wanna say a direct no. But you're often dissatisfied with, you know, when you're working with other people.
There are things that you're not okay with.
Yeah, I mean every relationship is a tough relationship to express yourself fully, openly, honestly, 100 % of the time, right?
And the office is a place where a lot of this behavior or these kinds of expressions tend to show up.
They asked Americans who are the most passive -aggressive people in your life.
This is the same survey, by the way.
Any guesses to what I have the number one and number two answer.
Any guess what was number one?
A mom was number two, 18%.
Number one, coworkers.
Co -workers. And just before we finish up, again, this is from the same survey.
The five most passive aggressive phrases ranked from number 1 to number 5.
Number 1, you're too sensitive.
Oh, that immediately enrages me.
Number 2, why are you so upset?
Implying that you shouldn't be this upset but yet you are this upset.
This one's good. Number 3, no offense.
But that means the next thing you're saying is going to be rather offensive.
Number four is, whatever.
That hurts. That's very aggressive.
And number five, the last one.
Yeah. I mean, if that's what you want to do.
That should be number one, shouldn't it?
In relationships, romantic relationships.
I have nothing to do if you're thinking about that.
Then what do you do in dealing with this kind of people or if you're on the, what if you're the aggressor and what if you're on the receiving end?
Well, if you're the aggressor, then I think you have to be kind of self -aware of what you're doing at the time.
So if you catch yourself being sarcastic, responding in a sarcastic manner, Right there, boom, right there, you know that you are being passive aggressive.
So monitor what you say.
Also be aware of whether you're being honest. And also be aware of your behavior post -interaction.
Because that kind of behavior will often manifest itself after the interaction has taken place, right?
We talked about avoiding relationships or avoiding conversations at the office because you just don't want to deal with it.
So be aware of that type of thing.
And if you're on the receiving end of it, well, it's hard for me to say.
I can say from a native English speaker's point of view, we in Western culture see a lot of the time just asking people, just tell me what you feel, honestly.
Don't be afraid to tell me honestly what you feel.
I would recommend try not to use the word passive -aggressive during that conversation.
Stop being passive aggressive?
That's a little aggressive and can put the other person on defense but yeah, just encouraging people to perhaps just let you know how they really feel.
Yeah, that actually reminded me of the cause of people can be passive aggressive because you need to accept it or accept your emotions or accept your anger because when you are being angry, you may, you tend to be like more passive aggressive maybe but that is maybe that is the reason why that you're protecting yourself.
You know, you are in a place that you actually activated your like self -defense mechanism and that is why you're being passive aggressive.
So the thing is that you need to accept your anger at the first place and you know, learn to recognize and accept feelings of anger by just paying attention to maybe physical signals like tension and discomfort, and you need to realize that it is common, it is normal, and actually treat it in a good order that you should not hurt the other one that is trying to understand you.
Yeah, that's a great point.
Yeah, you can look out for kind of body reactions, your breathing, your heart rate, or something like that.
And just remember this type of behavior.
It hurts you, and it hurts the other person that you're interacting with too.
In a culture where indirectness, for example, here in China, is often a sign of politeness, expressing emotions honestly but gently is a real art.
It's not about being loud.
It's about being clear, caring, and just a little braver perhaps with our words.
You're listening to Roundtable.
Coming up next. Just apparently a snack shaped like a cartoon character is worth more than a year's salary.
What happened there?
Stay tuned. Looking for passion?
How about fiery debate?
Want to hear about current events in China from different perspectives, then tune in to Roundtable, where East meets West and understanding is the goal.
You're listening to Roundtable, with myself He Young.
I'm joined by Yuxun and Steve Hathaway in the studio.
Picture this reaching into a bag of Cheetos casually munching away when suddenly you spot it.
A single Cheeto, unlike the others, it's shaped exactly like Charizard, the fiery Pokemon icon.
Would you eat it? Of course not.
You list it online and boom someone buys it for a jaw -dropping 88 ,000 US dollars or 630 ,000 Yuan that's right folks, a puffed corn snack worth more than a year's salary?
I need to make friends with this buyer.
What's going on with it?
So this Cheeto -shaped Charizard from this Pokemon franchise was auctioned off and sold for a high high high price this flamin hot flavor cheeto approximately 3 inches or 7 centimeters long bears a resemblance of two charizard character from this Japanese anime series Pokemon everybody knows this thing again where you assume we know stuff that you know when we don't.
And it's passive aggressive behavior.
Okay, apology? Now let me explain it.
Yes please. So it was mounted on a custom Pokemon card and placed inside a transparent card holder for display to explain what is this Charizard?
Pokemon's Charizard is a large orange dragon with turquoise wings and a flame at the tip of its tail, known as Lizardon in Japan.
And this dragon is one of the franchise's original creatures and one of its most beloved.
So yeah. Actually there are reports in 2020, Charizard was voted as one of the top 10 most popular pokemon. I don't care!
I'm not paying $88 ,000 for a potato chip or whatever it was, a Cheeto shaped like that.
In fact, it was, so this was done by a sports memorabilia company, right?
Somewhere between 2018 and 2022, and it was preserved during that time, and then it sold recently, $87 ,840.
And according to Forbes, it started as a simple kind of auction listing, But then the internet got involved and then this bidding war erupted out of nowhere and the the bidding began or the listing began at a pretty modest price But then 60 different bidders got involved and that's how it drove up the price to $88 ,000 almost 88 ,000 before the auction closed its Craziness what some people are willing to spend that much money.
Did this happen in the u .s. I I mean this certainly didn't happen in China, and well.
But also, Pokemon is originated from Japan, but it's popular all over the world.
Cheetos, I think. Oh yeah, and Cheetos.
Yeah, those are involved here as well, right?
Absolutely. We shouldn't forget that.
Yeah. So why would somebody spend so much on an expired Cheeto, Is there an answer to that question?
Feel free to throw in your thoughts.
I think both of you have explained a little bit One thing Pokemon another thing Cheeto and both of them have a lot of fans, you know a huge fan base can You know contribute to a lot of things this Golden auctions described it as an exceptionally unique item to the buyer.
This isn't just a snack It's a collectible with significance Maybe someone just crazy about this Charizard or someone is also crazy about cheeto and BAM This is a perfect item that he should collect.
Yeah. I mean this isn't the only time this has happened In 2023 there was a McNugget that was shaped like a character from the game among us And it was auctioned for one hundred thousand dollars.
That's one example There are others as well In Prince Charles and Princess Diana's wedding cake, I think from from 1981 there were 23 cakes made for that and one piece of cake sold for $2 ,500 a 40 -year -old piece of cake like people are just this is just a thing a thing for some people it's a hobby I suppose is it tax -free oh this is interesting and that brings us to the end of today's roundtable thank you so much Steve Heather Lee and Yu Xun for joining the discussion.
Thank you for tuning in.
You can find us on Apple Podcast at Roundtable China.
And also if you're so inclined and you're willing to participate please send us a question to roundtablepodcastatqq .com and we can air your question on the show.
I'm Hea Yang. We'll see you next time.
