Excuse me.
I was hoping to purchase some practical joke paraphernalia so that I may behave childishly.
Rack in the corner.
Thank you.
If it's funny, it's a Bazinga.
Interesting.
Dad, would you care for a piece of gum?
No, thank you.
Please, take a piece of gum.
What?
Just please.
Bazinga.
You understand any of that?
I don't know.
I guess he's just being a little boy.
Since when?
Georgie?
Georgie?
What?
Would you like some salted mixed nuts?
Nah.
Look, they're the fancy kind.
That's a trick can.
No, it's not.
Listen, when you shake it, there's a rattling sound as if nuts are inside.
Fun.
Barks residence.
Billy speaking.
This is the electric company.
Hello.
I'm calling to see if your refrigerator is running.
I'll go check.
I'm back.
It's running.
Well, then you better go catch it.
Bazinga.
This is Connie Tucker.
Leave a message when you hear the beep.
Hello, Meemaw.
This is Sheldon.
If you were home, I was going to say, is Mr. Wall there?
And then you would say no.
And then I would say, is Mrs. Wall there?
And then you would say no.
And then I would say, well, if there are no walls, then how does your roof stay up?
Um, OK.
Bazinga.
That was pathetic.
It was.
I'm not sure I'm cut out for these antics and shenanigans.
I guess you're going to grow up to be a weirdo.
I suppose I am.
Life is so confusing.
I always hoped it would be easier for me when I grew up, but... now I'm not so sure it will.
It's gonna be all right.
You were faking.
Bazinga.
And that's how I became the madcap prankster all my friends know and love.
Does Sheldon make you feel stupid?
Nah, I'm smart in other ways.
Me too.
Hey, I saw an old TV in the alley.
Wanna go throw rocks at it?
Hell yeah!
Let's do it. and yet the screen won't break.
Bet it'll break if we blow it up.
I love her.
Fine, you're right.
Erica's doing just great.
Nothing to worry about there.
Oh, come on.
You got any matches?
Be right back.
Marsha's gone.
You want to make out?
Sure.
Gotta say, I'm glad we invited him over.
Get him another beer.
Come on, you love this and you know it.
They're as messed up as we are.
Fine, but one more and that's it.
I know it looks a little lived in, but it's got good bones.
Yeah.
How much can we get for it?
Well, I need to see the rest of the house.
Of course.
And we recently redid the plumbing.
And that was pricey.
Write that down.
And this is our daughter's room.
We told her to clean up, but no promises.
Oh, hello, ma'am.
What a charming room.
It's been such a blessing to grow up here.
I just hope some lucky family loves it as much as I have.
I'm sure they will.
Well, I'm going to pray on it.
Okay, moving on.
This is our little boy's room.
Might want to stay there until I finish my sweep.
What are you doing?
You said the realtor was coming over today.
I wanted to make sure my room wasn't still radioactive.
Oh, it was never radioactive.
We don't know that.
I did have radioactive material.
There was no radioactive material.
The FBI stopped him before he got any.
Oh, you're talking about the uranium I tried to buy.
I'm referring to the americium isotopes I was using to make a nuclear reactor.
Don't write that down.
Is this the Nelson residence?
Oh, good.
I'm Sheldon Cooper, the executive assistant secretary at the First Baptist Church of Medford.
I'm looking through our donation records and I noticed that you've tapered off a bit.
Well, yes, your children's education is expensive, but so is running a church.
Oh, boy.
I'll be sure to tell the pastor.
Goodbye.
I don't deserve a view-hoo.
Okay, who's next?
Wendy and Bill McKenzie. a McKenzie Chevrolet.
Now, those are what we call deep pockets.
Well, you need to give what's comfortable for you.
And of course, I don't need to remind you it's entirely tax deductible.
And at the next pancake breakfast, you can hold your head high.
Thank you.
That's very generous.
Goodbye.
The pancake line closed it.
We are so going to heaven.
By the grace of God and his provision, we have received the most donations in church history.
Praise Jesus!
So it's all Jesus?
We don't get any credit?
We need to start our own church.
They don't pay taxes.
It's a very sound business model.
Who do I shush?
What are you doing?
I'm driving to the hospital.
You can come with me or stay here.
Up to you.
I'm coming.
Sheldon?
You're 14.
You don't know how to drive.
I drove a tractor at 4H camp.
It's the same thing.
But you sat on the farmer's lap.
Then stay here.
Come on, Missy.
Just admit it, we're lost.
We're not lost.
Well, I shouldn't see a hospital anywhere.
Why don't we ask somebody for directions?
Because we're children in a car, genius.
Dang it!
Are you aiming for them?
Everybody just shut up, I got this.
Oh, no.
We're going to jail.
Georgie's going to jail.
I'm saying I was kidnapped.
That's a good plan.
You and I were kidnapped.
If I'm going to jail, we're all going to jail.
Oh, you better pull over.
Oh, thank God.
Well, don't just sit there.
Follow it.
What?
It's an ambulance.
It's going to the hospital.
Hang on.
How about I put the radio on real low?
Shut up.
Mary.
Mom.
Where are they?
Where's who?
More importantly.
How is George?
Mom!
Oh, there they are.
I lost the little rascals, didn't I?
Oh.
I want to see dad.
Me too.
The doctors are with him now.
I'll take you into bed.
Why are they here?
I think it's obvious.
They love their daddy.
Oh, I get that.
Why aren't they home in bed?
Well, nobody could sleep.
I thought it was the right thing.
Good bluff.
Shh.
It's like printing money.
I've got to get back to the library.
This is so much more fun than books.
Will I be seeing you tonight?
Oh, you'll be seeing all of me.
I heard I might find you here.
Oh, hi, Mr. Gibbons.
Would you like to explain why this was on the copy machine?
Anyone could have left that there.
It's your brother's and Tam said it was you.
Fine.
But I only left it there because you came in the coffee room and I had to hide.
What?
When what?
This morning before school.
What exactly did you see?
I don't want to talk about it.
Well, I don't want you talking about this.
I don't even know what this is.
I don't even know what I saw.
All right then.
All right.
Hey, can I drive?
Better not.
My dad will be pretty mad if something happens to his truck.
Like what, if somebody stole it?
Oh my god, I'm a criminal.
Yeah?
It's pretty cool, right?
I'm going to be in so much trouble.
Only if you go back.
I guess you're right.
I mean, don't worry.
Whenever we get to Daytona, everything's gonna be great.
Think so?
Yeah.
Hey, maybe we should change our names.
Really?
I mean, I hate my name.
Paige.
What am I, congressional aide?
Yeah, totally.
So what name are you gonna pick?
I'm thinking Ginger.
That is so good.
Ginger's not a boring scientist.
Ginger's fun.
She's alive.
I'm gonna pick Susan.
No, Susie.
Much cuter.
Sorry, Ginger and Susie.
Ginger and Susie.
Wait, is it too late to change my name to Brandy?
Too late.
Come on, Ginger!
You think your parents are freaking out?
Probably having a party.
And then Sheldon will complain about them having a party and they'll stop because he gets everything he wants.
Try being the golden child.
Everybody's always expecting big things from you because you're a genius.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
Something simple.
Easy.
You know, I heard there's a place in Florida where you can get a job as a mermaid.
Really?
Really.
Don't get mad at me, but you are a genius.
Just don't tell the other mermaids.
Oh, crap.
Well, how fast are you going?
I'm not going too fast.
Maybe I'm going too slow.
Should I speed up?
Don't speed up.
What are you doing?
I don't know.
Just... Maybe it's not for us.
Pull over and let him pass.
What do we do?
We need to get our story straight.
We're cousins.
You're 16.
You forgot your license at home and we're on the way to the hospital to visit our grandma.
Okay.
I'm only 13.
I stole my dad's truck and we didn't pay for breakfast at the diner.
We just left.
OK.
And who is this?
My cousin, Ginger.
Well, I never.
Hello?
I'm having a scientific argument with someone, and I need your help.
I do love a good science fight.
Has it evolved to name-calling yet?
Yes.
I called him a Pongo Pygmias.
Ho-ho!
A Bornean Orangutan.
That is a creature who would be very bad at science.
Well done.
I know.
So how can I help?
I posted a theory on the collapse of wave function.
We've been arguing back and forth, and he's saying that my probabilities come out negative.
Oh, I see.
Have you considered that negative probabilities can still have meaning?
Ooh, I hadn't.
That suggests another idea.
I can argue that negative probabilities only show up in I'm going to destroy him with this.
And when you do, feel free to call him a scarabaeus vietii, a dung beetle.
Oh, I so admired your mind.
Back at you, little man.
Dad's mad at me.
Mom's not thrilled with me either.
Why?
Mom made chicken, and I said chickens cluck a lot, so they should be called cluckers.
And some chickens are moms, so you could call them mom- I don't care.
Mom sure did.
Why are you reading the Bible?
I felt bad about last night, so I thought it might be good for me.
Where are you going with this?
Nowhere.
I just want to make you happy.
And the man increased exceedingly and had much cattle and maidservants and menservants and camels and asses.
OK, stop.
What?
I'm just reading from Genesis.
Well, cut it out.
Fine.
Let's try Exodus.
And on the seventh day thou shalt rest, that thine ox and thine ass may rest.
That is it.
You are grounded.
For reading the Bible?
The way you are doing it, yes.
Go to your room.
OK.
I don't have a donkey.
But if I did, I'd take my ass out of here.
Couldn't help noticing you got Texas plates on that truck.
Operating poker machines ain't legal in Texas.
So what are you, a cop?
No, no, I'm just a guy who might call the cops, you know, if we don't come to an arrangement.
Can I take your order?
Thank you, honey.
You know I got a hankering for chicken fried steak gravy on top, but only if it's cream gravy, and the mashed potatoes with more cream gravy on top and iced tea when you can.
No gravy on that.
And how about for you two?
I'm going to use your restroom.
He knows what I like.
You're leaving?
Uh-huh.
I gotta tinkle.
I guess I'll have the waffles, and the lady will have also waffles.
So, what do you think?
Well, Dennis, I'm not the guy to talk to.
Why don't we wait for the boss to finish tinkling?
But I do got to tell you, this is my first shakedown.
Don't think of it like that.
It's just a business arrangement.
Well, I've been a businessman for 38 years, and I don't think I've ever been threatened before.
What kind of business you in?
Hello?
Huh?
What kind of business you in?
Groomer dog, groomer cats, if you make me, but i pretty much love the doggies you ever do birds.
Birds got feathers and that they're self-grooming.
Yeah, i always thought cats were self-grooming.
Well, people think that.
But no, you know, you gotta, you gotta dip a cat once in a while.
Well, okay then.
Where are you going?
Dennis, I am really sorry about this.
Anybody can be blonde.
You think Madonna's really blonde?
What?
She's pretty.
What about her blonde ambition tour?
More like bottle blonde ambition tour.
Funny and beautiful.
No wonder my brother put a baby in you.
Uh-oh.
Hello?
Who's in there?
Me.
I need to use the bathroom.
Give me a minute.
Can someone give me a hand with these groceries?
Sure.
Dad, come on.
I got to go to the bathroom.
Hey, Mandy.
Mrs. Cooper.
What brings you here?
Just saying hi to Georgie.
Well, hello to you, too.
Get a move on.
Damn it, Missy, I'm two seconds away from peeing in your mother's prayer garden.
Look what I found.
What the hell?
Melissa Cooper, what did you do?
Yeah, what did you do?
Yeah.
Good news, I think Billy might pass his math test tomorrow.
There's a math test tomorrow?
Your hair is upsetting me.
Screw it.
I'm going outside.
What are you doing?
Nothing.
Get out of here.
You're looking for a brisket recipe.
All of a sudden, you got smart.
I said get out of here.
I won't tell.
I swear.
All right.
Help me look.
Ooh.
Found it?
No.
This is our French toast.
Not looking for French toast.
She does make it good, though.
Did you know she puts vanilla extract in her whipped cream?
I did not.
Quarter teaspoon.
Georgie?
Yeah?
We're looking for brisket.
Cranky.
Real cool.
He thought I wrote it down.
What a dope.
Here we go.
15 years and 14 hours later.
Best brisket in Texas.
Connie, you evil bitch.
It's smoother than regular coffee.
That wasn't the recipe.
You looked me in the eye and you lied to me.
Oh, Mom.
You broke into my home and tried to steal it.
Oh, George.
You told her we went over there.
Oh, George Jr.
I didn't say nothing.
I was cool.
I don't want this woman in my house anymore.
She is my mother.
She is the devil.
And what if the kids want to see her?
Fine.
Schedule it for when I'm not here or when I'm dead.
Sheldon?
What?
You suck.
I'm sorry, but I have a job to do.
How much longer till you pay Dad back?
At this rate, six months.
You suck.
For the next several months, I continued working my paper route until I paid my father back.
And by working, I mean delegating.
I have no idea where I am.
Okay, it's a date.
Who was that?
Brittany Perkins.
She that, uh, chunky one with the headgear?
No.
She's a cheerleader, and her teeth are beautiful.
Oh.
And she asked you out.
What do you know about Brittany Perkins?
That's her right there.
She's cute.
And this was before her boobs came in.
So she's just messing with Billy.
She might have asked him out.
Okay, she's messing with him.
You friends with this girl?
I wish.
She's so popular.
One time she said she liked my outfit.
I wore it for a week.
What am I gonna do?
You could tell Billy he's too young to date.
That's good.
You might be the coolest person in this house.
Little bar, but thanks.
That everyone who believes may have eternal life in him.
For God so loved the world that he gave his one and only son.
Yes, Sheldon?
When you said God gave his son to the world, did you mean Earth or the universe?
Earth.
But if God created the universe, wouldn't he want to save all of it?
Yes, he would.
Then why did you say Earth?
Earth is a synonym for the universe.
He's grabbing at straws now.
So if God's plan is to save all of the universe, that means a race of octopus aliens light years away could only be saved by Jesus.
Sure.
Even though they never would have heard of him?
Yes.
Even though his appearance might be terrifying to them?
Why would his appearance be terrifying?
He has four limbs, and they have eight.
OK, that's enough.
No, no.
I prayed people would be more interested in my sermons.
I suppose I should have been more specific.
Sheldon, if these creatures were born without sin, they don't need to be saved by Jesus.
What if an octopus Adam and Eve brought sin to their world?
Would they be saved by a human Jesus or an octopus Jesus?
And Jacob said, For I have seen God face to face, and my life is preserved.
Is this an appropriate time to mention that John 1.18 says no man hath seen God at any time?
Who's right, Jacob or John?
Let's talk about it in the car.
The Lord.
Yes, Connie.
My grandson has a question.
Let her rip, kid.
Oh.
Hi.
Everything okay?
Who is it?
Heather's mom.
Is everything okay?
You just heard me ask.
What's up?
No, Heather's not here.
They're at your house.
Huh.
What?
Heather told her mom she was staying here.
Classic.
I don't know if it's any help, but when I was her age and pulled this, it was just to go to a party.
Oh, great.
So she's at a party.
Who knows where?
You know what?
I'm going to go find her.
How?
I don't know.
I'm just going to drive around until I hear some carousing.
I'll go with you.
Will you both just stop for a minute?
There is nothing to do but wait.
Sir, you'll have to find someone else to hold your ankles in P.E. today.
I'm sorry.
What?
I've suffered a terrible injury and won't be able to attend.
What happened?
See for yourself.
Dear Coach Wilkins, please excuse my son Sheldon from P.E.
He has experienced a testicular hernia and needs to rest for the next six to eight weeks.
Sincerely, Mary Cooper.
Testicular hernia?
That's called details.
Oh, that's rough.
How did it happen?
It's hard to say, but some risk factors include heavy lifting, a chronic cough and repetitive straining during bowel movements.
I've been there.
All right.
Guess I'll see you in six to eight weeks.
See you tomorrow, Wayne.
Yeah, have a good one, George.
Hey, how's your son doing?
Georgie?
No, the smart one.
He's fine.
Why?
What about the hernia?
What hernia?
The one your wife said he had.
Happened to me while I was in the Army.
Was in a bar in Georgia, trying to lift up this big gal.
Swear I had to hear something pop down there.
Sheldon gave you this note?
Yeah.
I didn't write this.
You sure?
Looks like your handwriting's got that little swoopy thing going on.
I didn't write it.
And I think I know if my son had a hernia.
So what?
Sheldon forged a letter to get out of PE?
Looks like it.
How about that?
Don't be proud of him.
Can't help it.
First time he ever seemed like my kid.
I told Heather that I liked Kevin so she could find out if he liked me back.
Then she asked him out.
What?
She didn't even think he was cute until I said I liked him.
Well, why'd you tell her?
She told me to.
Because that's how you find out if somebody likes you in school.
That's one way.
Why?
What would you have done?
Uh, well, you put him on Heather's radar when he said you liked him.
I probably would have dropped a note in his locker or asked one of his guy friends.
That makes so much more sense.
Why didn't you tell me that?
I gave you good advice.
It's not my fault Heather sucks.
So what do I do now?
Well, the first thing... I was talking to her.
Tomorrow I'm going to tell Heather what a bitch she is in front of everyone.
No, no, no.
Don't show your cards.
Tomorrow you're going to be her best friend.
Why?
Because then she'll tell you things, and you can use those things against her.
Oh, you're good.
I know.
It's nice to have someone to talk to about this stuff.
My mom's pretty religious, and my Meemaw's kind of old.
Hey, I'm sitting right here.
I did what you said.
It was nothing but nice to Heather.
Okay, how'd that go?
So good.
I found out she stuffs her bra.
See?
When the time is right, you can destroy her with that.
That's gonna be a good day.
And that trick isn't just for middle school.
That's something you can use for the rest of your life.
You are so wise.
Mom says you're sick.
He's faking.
Really?
Lana, you love school.
Swim test.
Oh, sure.
You would die.
If you're going to do this, let me give you some pointers.
You've done this before?
Tell him.
Oh, he's the master.
He coached me through my last two.
The sore throats.
I slept on the couch during those.
I know.
First of all, you gotta cough even when Mom's not in the room.
Got it.
And don't put the thermometer in the tea.
114 fever is a giveaway.
Smart.
Told ya.
Oh, don't be afraid to let her look in your throat.
She's checking to see if it's red.
But it's always red.
You are good.
Here, try spitting up a little phlegm.
We got work to do.
Excuse me, sir.
Buy your own beer.
Thank you.
I think he was onto us.
Let me try.
Hey.
Hey.
Would you buy me beer?
I forgot my ID at home.
How old are you?
Uh, 30?
25?
This isn't working.
Maybe the party was a bad idea.
Hey, mister.
Will you buy us some beer?
I'm not old enough.
Those guys thought I was a grown-up.
Billy!
What?
Here's your change.
Thank you.
You can go now.
Thank you.
It seems I have a crush on you.
What?
I'm as surprised as you are, but I have all the symptoms, according to both Dr Sturges and the editors of Sassy Magazine.
Sheldon.
I'm really glad that you told me this, because... the truth is I feel the same way about you.
You do?
I mean, I've been trying to hide it, but now I don't have to anymore.
This is such a relief.
Oh, dear.
This is new information.
I've been operating under the assumption that my crush was unrequited.
Oh, it's required, Sheldon.
It's very required.
Hm.
What are you doing?
We have a crush on each other.
So?
Now we have to kiss.
We do?
I mean, it's where the data has led us.
I suppose.
Okay.
Now, close your eyes and pucker up.
What's happening?
Are we kissing?
You bet.
How was that?
I didn't feel anything romantic.
Me either.
Guess it wasn't a crush after all.
I guess not.
That's a relief.
It is.
I went to three classes before I figured it out.
Good thing I look spiffy in a mustache.
By the way, Missy's new friend, Taylor, is that a boy or a girl?
Missy!
I've included some Polaroids of your granddaughter and your hot American boy toy.
Don't feel bad for being confused about Missy's friend.
He is a boy, but don't worry.
I'm on top of it.
Taylor's a boy?
Yes.
So when you went to the movies with him, he was a boy?
Mm-hmm.
And when you went swimming at his house, he was a boy with his shirt off.
I never said he was a girl.
No, I said he was a girl, and you didn't correct me.
I don't remember who said what.
Yes, you do.
And that is the last you're seeing of Taylor.
Dad, it's not what you think.
He doesn't like me like that.
He's a 13-year-old boy.
He likes all girls like that.
He's 15, and he doesn't.
15?
And he really doesn't.
The hell does that mean?
Oh.
Yeah.
So he's like a...
Gal pal.
Bingo.
OK.
So can I go to his house and watch a movie?
No other boys will be there.
Just him and me.
All right, then.
Thanks, Daddy.
It's a different world, Mayor.
I'm proud of Missy for keeping an open mind.
And shoot, I'm proud of myself.
By the way, I told my dad you're gay.
OK.
Hey.
Is it OK if Taylor and I hang out in my room and listen to music?
Sure.
Just keep the door closed so I don't have to hear it.
You got it.
Probably gonna listen to show tunes.
