Hey folks, Robin here from Deer Headspace and I got a question for you.
Do you ever feel overwhelmed by makeup?
Good news. Charlotte Tilbury has transformed 30 years of artistry into beauty products that are easy to choose, easy to use, and flattering for everyone, earning her the title of queen of glow.
Now take her Hollywood flawless filter, it is a true game changer.
With just one product, you can blur, smooth, and illuminate your skin while enjoying clinically proven hydration for up to 24 hours.
I'm telling you, it is my go -to for radiant, effortless looks, whether I'm heading to work, or maybe I'm prepping for a night out.
Now, from red carpets to real life, Charlotte's products make everyone feel like they are their most beautiful and confident selves.
I mean, don't we all want that?
It's no wonder her legendary icons have gone viral.
Charlotte Tilbury is performance you can trust.
It's legendary for a reason, folks.
You can use code CTPODCAST15 for 15 % off on charlottetilbury .com.
Plus, new account holders get free delivery.
This ad is brought to you by Charlotte Tilbury, USA customers only and valid until March 2, 2025.
For full T &Cs and exclusions, see the Charlotte Tilbury website.
Work management platforms.
Ugh. Endless onboarding, IT bottlenecks, admin requests.
But what if things were different?
Monday .com is different.
No lengthy onboarding, beautiful reports in minutes, custom workflows you can build on your own, easy -to -use, prompt -free AI.
Huh. Turns out you can love a work management platform.
Monday .com, the first work platform you'll love to use.
Dora, what's the best way to approach new situations?
Leaning into the unknown, the uncertainty, being curious, because there's a quote, and I'm definitely going to butcher the quote, but it's from a Zen teacher.
And he says that in a beginner's mind, there's many possibilities.
And in an expert's mind, there's no possibilities.
Have you ever wished you had a wise meditation teacher on speed dial?
Someone you can call after a long day.
Someone you can lean on for their advice.
Someone to listen and help you to see things differently.
Welcome to Dear Headspace.
Well, hi, everyone, and thank you for joining us here at Dear Headspace, a podcast where each week I sit down with a Headspace meditation teacher and we answer your questions about anything and everything.
I'm Robin Hopkins. I'm one of the lucky folks who produces Dear Headspace and I'm also juggling being an actor, a writer, a podcaster, and a mom of two.
And both my kids are in middle school.
There is so much drama, Dora.
I'm sorry to hear that, but as Robin shared, I am Dora Kamau.
I'm one of the mindfulness and meditation teachers here at Headspace.
And beyond all the credentials and everything that makes me who I am, I am also just a human being and a daughter, sister, friend, lover, co -worker, teammate, and just have used mindfulness and meditation to allow me to navigate this human challenging experience at times.
Oh, that's delightful.
That is delightful.
All right. Today we have questions about struggling to learn a new skill, not wanting to be mean to family.
That is not an easy one.
And what to do when people think you're abrasive.
I mean, I feel like these questions were picked specifically for me.
So I'm excited. I find that very hard to believe.
But before we jump into our questions, how are you today?
How's your week going?
Yeah. In this moment, I am feeling open.
I'm feeling open and curious.
And the week just begun, but it feels like it's Friday already somehow.
I don't know how that's possible, but it feels like there's already an ending, which is interesting because the week is just beginning, but trying to stay open and curious as much as possible.
Okay. All right. Dora, what's the best way to approach new situations?
Leaning into the unknown, the uncertainty, being curious, because there's a quote, and I'm definitely gonna butcher the quote, but it's from a Zen teacher.
And he says that in a beginner's mind, there's many possibilities.
And in an expert's mind, there's no possibilities.
And I love that because it encourages me to stay present and to stay curious and to see things as if I've never, even with my meditation practice, I've never done this practice before.
Today is completely new, completely different.
And I'm just going to be open and allow whatever arises in my practice to be there instead of coming with this like preconceived idea of oh i know how this is going to go my mind's going to start to wander and yada yada yada but just being curious amazing yeah well i am so happy that you are here with me
today like i already feel like we're having this vibey amazing experience yeah so are you ready to take some listener questions yes okay here we go Dear Headspace Apparently I'm a mean person And say things that hurt people's feelings I think of myself as a compassionate person Who's very good at listening
But recently people have brought it to my attention That I can be a bit too blunt In my interactions Now it's hard to take this in Because it's not how I perceive myself what do I do?
Wow. Wow. I mean, you can really hear that listener is struggling.
Yeah, it sounds like there's frustration and I can definitely relate to that of being misunderstood and I know people have told me, okay, you're too blunt, you're too transparent, you're too honest and I'm like, well, I thought these were things that people value.
So how can I tone it down a bit but then again, you know, you kind of start to mask your authentic self because then you have to tone police and all these different things that for me, it's like I'm trying to show up and express who I am and it's just not being understood.
And so I could hear that frustration in there.
I don't know the whole extent of this question, but it just sounds like there is that deep frustration there.
So I'm sorry. Yeah.
I could hear the upset in the words, like what you were saying of somebody misunderstanding who they are.
Yeah. And I'm curious with this question because, again, for me, I naturally have a very stern face.
I have a furrowed brow, especially when I'm trying to learn things or I'm trying to understand someone.
And that comes off as being mean and abrasive.
So I'm curious for her, what were those markers?
How do people know that you are being mean or abrasive?
I really – yeah. Well, let's for the sake of this talk, because we're in sort of a one -way format where we just get what they give us.
Yeah. So, like, let's make the assumption that people have given her that absolute direct feedback.
Yeah. You're too blunt.
You're too abrasive.
Yeah. What do you do with that?
Yeah, check in. Am I?
What's the truth, right?
Like, what is the truth of this situation?
Is it just people projecting?
Or could I be a little bit softer?
Could I lean in more to being truly compassionate?
Because sometimes we talk about compassion or patience or acceptance, and that means something completely different for every single person.
So I think in this situation, being able to check in with yourself, notice through a body scan or even just like a simple awareness practice and notice what's going on in your body and how are you expressing whatever is there to the people that are around you.
Okay, so let me just make sure I get this, right?
because I definitely think I can be an abrasive sort of person.
I like to say I'm not for everyone.
But like I might be like, well, they were wrong.
Or I might get into like, well, I'm trying or then I'll be hard on myself.
And then it's like I could get into a back and forth in my head.
How does our listener avoid – like how do you know what's true, what someone is saying about you or what you think about you?
Yourself. Yeah. So that's another thing that I would ask you or her or even myself.
It's like, again, what is true for me in this moment?
Am I being misunderstood and that's why maybe I'm coming off as abrasive?
Am I angry trying to get a point across?
What's happening in this moment and how am I perceiving it and how are other people perceiving it?
And where can I take accountability?
And where can I maybe lean into this humility a little bit and be like, you know what, maybe I am coming off a little bit abrasive.
And that's not my intention, but this is how I'm showing up in the moment what could I do a little bit differently so people could be open to receiving me you know that is really interesting because like if you're checking in and you are being honest with yourself if you're open to saying yeah I do
feel really stressed right now or I do feel really angry about maybe something that happened earlier today is it possible I'm carrying that with me into this interaction but it's that moment of checking in with yourself but but you do have to be honest yeah honesty self -honesty because sometimes we
want other people to be honest but we aren't honest with ourselves right you have to take accountability you do so and i always say like i had a radio headspace podcast episode and i said never a bad day but only a bad moment so someone could cut you off in traffic at 8 a .m and then you get into work
and it's like 11 a .m and you're still carrying that that moment where you were cut off in traffic, but now it's like spewing all over your coworkers and teammates.
So like, check in with yourself.
Notice what's happening, right?
What happened earlier?
Maybe there's something on my mind that I'm trying to get across.
But I think holding yourself accountable in this situation seems like the key for me, but I could be wrong.
Well, and all that work is internal.
Is there also, is there a conversation that should be had with the person who's...
because in any situation, there's my version, your version, and then what really happened, right?
Isn't that what they say?
Yeah. But like, you know, maybe they have their own projections and maybe a conversation is warranted to get to the bottom of, especially if you, your intention really was misunderstood.
Yeah. We always say, not we always say, but my friends and I and our group chat.
You and all your personalities.
Yeah. I mean, some days.
But there's your intention, but there's also the impact.
So she could be wanting to be very compassionate, but the impact that you're making on other people is completely opposite.
Yeah. So yeah, like what you were saying, having that conversation with people that you can trust because sometimes you don't have your best interest.
Right. And sometimes we are holding people accountable to things that we want and not necessarily what's right for them.
So I would say talk to the people that you trust and that you love and try to get a different perspective on it.
Because again, sometimes there's many personalities that are going on in this body.
So it's hard to know what's true and what's not.
And no judgment. If you are, then do the work to try to clean it up and see if, you know, because we go back to the upset you could hear in her voice.
Something's going on for you.
And I feel like being understood is such a human, like it's a necessity, right?
Everyone wants to be understood and accepted and loved and appreciated.
So to not have that, it's like, I feel you.
I feel you with that frustration.
and maybe it's even just honoring that because, again, you could take out that abrasiveness onto other people if you haven't just sat with that feeling of like, hmm, you know, I feel really misunderstood in this moment.
And, you know, I'm a human being and I do want to be understood and accepted by the people that I'm around.
And this is really challenging for me.
And moving from that space instead of, why do people think I'm abrasive and what's going on and I'm a really friendly person.
And it's like, well, you know, and I'm saying it to the other person, but this is also just like a memo, a voice note to myself of taking that time to just honor however it is that I'm feeling in this moment, because I may not know when I'm trying to express it to other people and what will come out
is that just like hot fire that can be inside of my body when I'm misunderstood.
So really taking that time to check in with yourself.
Yeah. So one other thing, Our listener mentions, like, I think of myself as dot, dot, dot, right?
How do we use our mindfulness practice to have that be an accurate perception of who you are?
Like, can you go deeper in on that?
Yeah. What comes up for me in the moment is the concept of non -striving because, you know, I could think of myself as Beyonce or Madonna or Britney Spears or all the greats, But the reality of it is that I'm not those things and it would be nice and it's a great alternate reality to live in.
But in this present moment, I am who I am.
And so sometimes we can really strive to be these things that are unattainable or that sounds good or, you know, many people will like us if we are compassionate.
But I think it's important to be grounded and to be present and to honor whoever's showing up right now.
Yes. you know, because that is enough.
And there can be a lot of resistance and tension that can arise when we try to be someone that maybe we're not ready to be yet, or maybe someone that, again, sounds good, but we don't have the skills or the tools to be that person.
So I think it really just comes back to being mindful about who you are in this moment and how can you lean into that?
How can you find the joy in just being yourself?
Well, I mean, I think that that is a lot of really useful advice for our listener.
And hopefully, maybe they'll check in and let us know if there's been some shifts or changes.
We love to hear back from people.
So don't be afraid to let us know how this lands.
Yes, please. And this is probably off tangent, but I always say to people, it's okay to take what I've said and to question it, because that means that you're able to create your own meaning.
So you may be listening to this and you're like, Dora, that didn't resonate at all.
And I'm like, good, because from there, you can make your own meaning of things if you were just to sit here and take on what I've shared with you it may not fit absolutely um so let's head into question number two shall we yes I've been learning piano for the first time on my own and I'm finding it
really challenging as soon as I hit a small road bump I immediately want to opt out or distract myself I feel like my brain has been trained to crave short -term dopamine hits and no longer appreciates the ups and downs of slow progress towards a goal Are there any mindfulness practices that you'd apply in situations
like these so I can learn to power through and enjoy the challenge?
Okay. I mean, this is widely universal, all of us trying to learn something and struggling.
Yeah, I feel that. I just started doing Pilates for the first time, and it's hard.
No one told me how hard it was.
You're on this, like, reformer.
Doesn't it look like it should be so easy, like the little cables, like, boop, boop?
It's not easy at all.
And I can be really hard on myself, similar to what our listener had shared about just wanting to give up when you don't get it right the first time.
And for me, a practice has been finding the joy in things.
I find that I'll really be hard on myself because I think it has to create a certain outcome.
So at the end of my Pilates, I have to become an instructor.
And I'm like, oh man.
But I'm like, that's not the point.
That's not the reason why I signed up to do Pilates, right?
It's to feel good in my body and to develop more muscles and feel balanced and grounded and find new ways to move.
So I think one of the things that you can do is to just become clear on your intentions.
So why are you learning the piano?
What is it that you are expecting from this new pursuit?
And can you let go of those expectations and just joy, enjoy what you're doing in the moment of feeling the keys and learning new songs and maybe sharing your talents with people that you love, really defining your intention and your motivation and purpose for wanting to learn how to play the piano.
And that's not easy.
I feel like there's this pressure, sometimes internal, sometimes societal, that do things, do them well, strive to be your best, or at least that's the pressure that I haven't put on myself.
So it's I think that's really wonderful advice to flip it back to like, why am I doing this?
What am I up to here.
Yeah. And another thing I would add on too is like, how do you want to feel when you're playing the piano or even afterwards?
Like what is the feeling that you want to leave with?
Because sometimes we can set goals for ourselves.
And I kind of have a little apprehension towards goals because for me, sometimes I can like punish myself in order to make a certain goal and that doesn't feel good.
But something I do with intentions is also focus on how do I want to feel?
And for me, balance is always like key.
I want to feel balanced.
I want to feel grounded.
So maybe for you, Grace, what do you want to feel?
And how do you want to feel after playing the piano?
And how can you commit to that feeling?
Because if I commit to balance, there's certain things that I do, and there's certain things that I won't do.
So for you, if you're committing to just learning this new skill or enjoying the music, what does that look like?
And how does it truly feel in your body?
I mean, we do live in a very goal -oriented society.
Yes. So that's a switch that you're kind of swimming upstream.
Yeah, and my coworker, teacher, amazing human being, Sam, one time told me about this quote that was, assert your pace.
So, being able to go at your own time and being on your own timeline.
And for me, that reminder was revolutionary.
I'm like, I don't have to go on other people's timelines, especially when it's a new skill that I'm learning.
It's like, I want to take my time with this and enjoy the ups and downs and have fun making mistakes because, you know, there's certain things I can't make mistakes on.
But something with Pilates, I'm like, no one's marking me here.
Yeah. You're not going to be a professional Pilates instructor.
I mean, you could be.
I don't want to take that away from you.
We wrote it here first.
But I have the core of a newborn baby.
But yeah, just being able to have fun.
Because that's another thing too.
Sometimes, and maybe this is where my practice has come, like has really helped me in learning new skills.
Like I'm really lighthearted these days.
So I laugh at myself when I make a mistake.
And for me, it's like that's what allows me to keep on coming back because I'm not that stern teacher.
One mistake and you're done.
It's just like I'm showing up, enjoying myself, and that's what matters.
You know what's so interesting is I do karate, although I will say that I paused karate after my second kid because it's like, I can't right now.
But there was this one instructor, and he used to say, when you have a reaction to when you make a mistake, he would say, that's your ego.
And at first when he said that, I was like, what is he talking about?
I was like, this shows my commitment.
This shows how much I care.
And when he explained further, he was like, there's an assumption in your reaction that you were supposed to do it perfectly.
And karate is built on, it's a very similar to meditation, a beginner's mind.
And that was life -changing for me because I always, especially in sports or in learning a new thing, I was always like, oh, it's got to be perfect.
And look at how much I care.
And I was actually fighting against myself.
Yeah. It sounds like there's a lot of suffering that comes from shoulds and supposed to be's and really can do so much harm towards ourselves when we think that we have to be this thing or are supposed to be doing these things.
And it's like, no, see if you can just let go of that.
Just give yourself the space to truly enjoy whatever it is that you're doing.
All right. Well, just to be devil's advocate a little bit.
You're a person who, you know, you really want to, this is a thing you really want to succeed, or maybe there's something attached to it, or there's some reason you want to go after it.
How do you find that balance between, you know, you can't always just be like, well, I stink at this.
Yeah. That's a great question.
And I think it's valid because, you know, as human beings, we all have goals and intentions and things that we want to do really well at and excel.
But I think I always just come back to like the feeling of it because I know when I first started meditation, completely new skill, I had to do it hiding in my bedroom because my parents were like, no, meditating in our house.
Really? Yeah. It was like a big thing.
My parents are super religious and I don't think they understood like what mindfulness is and what meditation is from like the science background of it.
So for them, they were just really - You were joining a cult and it wasn't Catholicism.
Yeah. Got it. Okay.
I took us off track.
Okay. Bring it back.
Yeah. So I knew that I had to kind of pull back when meditation was becoming more like a chore and less of like a noble duty to the people around me.
So noticing what it feels like because our bodies hold so much wisdom that sometimes we don't tune into.
We talk a lot about the mind and meditation and mindfulness, but we forget our bodies, right?
And there's so much wisdom there to be tapped into.
So notice how you're feeling.
Are you tense when you're playing the piano?
Like it doesn't seem like a very tense job, you know?
Like you really have to be in the flow and to be light.
And I think it's important to recognize like what's going on right now?
how are you responding to your mistakes?
Are you judging yourself?
Are you able to give yourself a bit of grace?
Can you laugh? What is your approach to what you're doing?
And just offering yourself and extending yourself compassion and kindness because playing the piano is hard.
When I was younger, my parents wanted me to play the piano, violin, I played the clarinet and the saxophone.
You were your own orchestra.
And I was horrible at it because it was a chore.
It's not funny but it is funny.
Something I was doing for other people, right?
Fulfilling someone else's dream.
And again, I wish I was meditating back then or practicing mindfulness because I would have been like, I don't want to be doing these things, but it was just something that I was supposed to be doing and just showing up.
And my violin teacher was so mad at me every single time.
Did you practice? No.
No. I'm like, I got other things to do.
I'm like eight years old.
I have to also play the oboe.
Yeah. Got the dishes to do.
I got all my chores.
like it's just adding to the list so yeah tabbing in noticing what's going on and how how are you responding because a lot of the times it's just we think it's this thing but it's really our response so however it's showing up in you just becoming aware of that and seeing if you can switch the frequency
to a different channel of compassion and not to put you on the spot but what do you do dora so with pilates i've been doing it with a friend and that's been really nice because it kind of humanizes the process of like, you messed up too, girl.
Yes, I did. How hard was that?
The instructor came around like 10 different times.
Yes, she did because I was doing all the wrong moves, you know?
So it's been nice to learn with someone else that's there that I can joke with.
And sometimes I'll take a break.
My meditation teacher was like, there's a lot of wisdom that we can pull from when we don't practice, when we don't meditate, right?
That is also the training ground.
So taking time away from that skill and coming back to it when you feel called to.
But if you have to show up every day at 9 a .m.
for 30 minutes, I'm going to play the piano.
It's like, oh, I don't want to do this thing.
I don't want to do Pilates.
So taking time off, taking a step back.
I love this. Grace, we hope that you embrace your newness of learning.
Thank you so much. Keep us posted, Grace.
platform that just gets us.
And to be honest, we've met someone new.
They're called Monday .com and it was love at first onboarding.
Their beautiful dashboards, their customizable workflows got us floating on a digital cloud nine.
So no hard feelings, but we're moving on.
Monday .com, the first work platform you'll love to use.
All right, folks, Robin here from Deer Headspace.
Now let's talk first dates.
You pick out the perfect outfit, maybe practice your best jokes in the mirror.
But there's one thing that I never skip before a date, deodorant.
And not just any deodorant, Lumi.
Now Lumi is a whole body deodorant, which means you can use it anywhere.
I'm talking about pits and thighs and folds and belly buttons, even, yeah, there.
It was created by an OBGYN and clinically proven to block odor all day and control it for up to 72 hours.
I started using Lumi thinking, okay, let's see if this really works.
Now I learned pretty quick, not only does it keep me fresh everywhere, but it's baking soda -free, paraben -free, and pH balanced for safe use below the waist.
Lumi's starter pack is perfect for new customers, okay?
It comes with a solid stick deodorant, cream tube deodorant, two free products of your choice like mini body wash and deodorant wipes, and free shipping.
As a special offer for listeners, new customers are going to get 15 % off all Lumi products with our exclusive code.
And if you combine the 15 % off with the already discounted starter pack, that equals over 40 % off their starter pack.
Use code Headspace for 15 % off your first purchase at LumiDeodorant .com.
That's code Headspace at L -U -M -E -D -E -O -D -O -R -A -N -T .com.
Please support our show and tell them we sent you.
Smell fresher, stay drier, and boost your confidence from head to toe with Lumi.
All right, let's move on to question number three.
This is our final question.
It goes by so fast, Dora.
Yeah. Shoot, I want to keep on doing these all day.
Oh, we're gonna. Oh, we're gonna.
Okay, okay. My name is Patrick, and I'm a career K -12 educator.
I live in Central Coast, California.
I've been meditating daily for about a year now.
And before that, I meditated on occasion.
And when I meditate using the Headspace app, one idea that I identify with in the guided practices that comes up here and there for me is that people walk down the street and then fall into a hole, a metaphorical hole of whatever bad behavior you might be trying to avoid.
For me, that hole tends to be getting frustrated and upset with my family and then often acting out in anger towards them.
I often see the hole and I still fall in it.
I sometimes realize that I'm in the hole but I can't climb out.
It's like there's like a ladder right there for me but I'm too busy feeling mad to climb up it.
The worst part is that I'm in this hole and I'm yelling and nobody really wants to hear it, not even me.
So just wondering, got any tips?
I want to go out on a limb and say my wife hired Patrick to put that question in so I would have to hear the answer.
So I am going to be really leaning in to what you have to say here.
You know what? This has been one of my biggest hurdles.
You know what is in Mortal Kombat when it's like, finish him.
This is something that for me I get finished, pummeled all the time.
I feel like family is like the greatest training ground for your meditation practice because it's like you have so many expectations when you label things as mom and dad and brother.
and sometimes they can really let you down or maybe you don't see eye to eye.
And now for me, having compassion for my family members just as they are, not for who I want them to be, has been really challenging.
So I'm also very grateful for this question because it may just be reflection, honestly.
Even though I know how my mom is and I know how my dad is, I know how my brother is, it's just so easy, again, to see that whole or to want them to be completely different and then let myself down.
And then become extremely frustrated.
So yeah, thanks for this question.
Well, okay. I'm just thinking about what he's saying and I especially really resonated when he said, I'm down at the bottom of this hole and I can't get, I'm so angry, I can't even get up the ladder.
And I'm raging and no one wants to hear what I have to say, even me.
So like that place?
When you are that activated, what can we do in those moments?
For me, it's been a practice of journaling, which a lot of people don't go to journaling first.
Sometimes I'll act on the thing and it's like, I shouldn't have acted on it, but it's out.
So I've been learning how to channel anger in different ways.
So Pilates, boxing, finding different outlets, not using my brother as a punching bag, but finding other outlets for me to express my anger because anger is actually really helpful, right?
It informs you about what you are needing.
So maybe you're needing to be heard, to be seen, to be understood, and that's not happening where you thought it would happen at.
So where can you go to feel that feeling of, or fulfilling that feeling of wanting to be seen and understood?
And where can you go to let out that anger in like a healthy way?
And maybe going back to the practice stuff, having things in place that you do regularly will help clear out some of the stuff so that maybe your first response isn't.
Yeah. And sometimes I'm too angry to meditate.
I'll be honest. I'm not going to sit.
That's not my first, that's not what I do first, right?
But therapy has also been a big game changer to have someone that's unbiased listening to you.
You can hear both sides.
You both can come up with solutions.
That's been so helpful for me because family, again, is like the greatest, the hardest training ground in this thing called life.
And there's so much that you can learn by being with your family, but there's also a lot that you can learn about yourself that a therapist can really help you with.
So - Yeah. I feel like we all, I've said this before, I'll say it again, we can all use therapy.
I don't care where we are, but specifically now, given all that's been going on in the world, like I often feel like if there's a one to 10 reaction, like when there's a global pandemic like when that was happening like I felt like my resting place was a seven yeah and so I was like hair trigger yeah
coming out of things and yeah and for me I needed to put in things like taking walks more like I needed to get out of the house working from home like talk about family when you're all together all the time yeah I was like you know I was like I said to my wife I need you to go to an office one day a week
and I need to go to an office like we have like sometimes there needs to be separation.
Yeah. Actually, recently I was just in Vancouver and I was noticing as soon as I stepped into my mom's house, there was like this whole, like this shadow of resistance that was just like clouding my body, clouding my judgment and perspective on how I wanted to see my mom in that moment.
And I was thinking about all these other things that I needed when I was younger or different things that I was just starting to recall.
And I had to really remind myself like, this is a new moment.
My mom's living in a new house.
Like she could be a completely different person.
I'm not attached if she's a completely different person, but I'm at least going to give her that space just to show up and be herself.
And something else that's been really helpful is seeing my mom as a child because I have so much compassion for her when she's that version and it's easier for me to connect to compassion when I see her as a child or see my dad as a child or see my brother as a child.
And I can talk to that child in them.
Maybe that's through my meditation practice or even just being kinder when I'm with them and more patient.
But But you are saying like meditation in those moments may not be the first line of defense.
Yeah, may not be the first line of defense.
Might be secondary.
Yeah. So therapy and kind of what I was saying about seeing my mom recently about having that beginner's mind.
So seeing things like, I haven't been to this moment yet, even though my body feels like we're getting back to that place.
It's like, this is a new moment.
No expectations. How can I just be with my mom and be present for her and how she's showing up?
And maybe it's like three minutes into the conversation, and I'm like, I tried.
But at least it's there, right?
Sometimes three minutes goes to 10 minutes, goes to an hour, and things can start to shift.
But I think even just having that small moment of openness to who she is has been really beneficial for me.
Yeah. And maybe when you go, you put things into place where you go take a walk or you step away.
Because I do think that with family, there's these roles.
They get set. You're the one who this.
You're the one who this.
Especially among siblings.
I could be with my sister, and all of a sudden I'm six and she's 12.
Yeah. Even remind you, this is hard.
I'll remind myself, this is hard.
These are people that I love.
This is the family that I've been blessed with.
And I have to validate that within myself of I love these people.
I care about them. But in this moment right now, it's just causing me so much tension and anxiety, and that's okay.
way, but really just naming however it is that you're feeling in the moment, I think can also help you to shift those feelings as well.
Even if you can't practice meditation right then and there, but that's why we practice before and after so that we're creating this force field and shield around yourself so that when you are in the environments with them, you can stay protected and stay in your own little boundary.
Well, it almost sounded like Patrick was saying, I have this daily meditation practice.
Therefore, I should not have this happen.
Yeah. But the two things are not, like, maybe it would happen twice as much if you didn't have the meditation practice.
But like, what do you think you would say to him about maybe not?
Well, I think the thing is that when we meditate, we think that all of our problems are going to go away.
Right. They're not going to.
But we may just become very aware of our problems.
And that's why there's the awareness that arises from meditation, but also compassion.
So being able to, what are you going to do when those problems arise?
Right? You can be judgmental, get angry, you can do all those other things, or you can choose to be compassionate.
You may not like what that person is doing, but you can still at least show compassion towards them.
But there is also a thing that we have to address that when there's an impact on other people, it almost feels like there's got to be some cleanup.
What do you think about that?
Yeah, and I was studying the feeling or the experience of regret because that can come up for me of like, ooh, I shouldn't have said that thing.
like, Dora, you did it again.
And I found this really interesting researcher and he talks about unproductive and productive regret.
So productive regret basically pushes us forward to want to get clear on our values.
So from whatever happened, what can you learn from that to inform you about the things that you value?
So for me, I value feeling heard.
I value authenticity.
And so sometimes when I'm in those situations where I get angry, I have to look at what is it that I was wanting, right?
Because we all come to arguments with certain things that we want to hear, right?
And so from that feeling of regret, I can look back and be like, okay, I didn't get that thing that I wanted, but what is it telling me about myself and the things that I do need to show up to feel compassionate and to feel kind and to share that with others?
So looking at how you are relating to regret or guilt and seeing how you can use this to inform forward movement or forward action either to clarify the things that you value or also just to remind you that you're human like and sometimes we say things that we don't mean and it sucks and sometimes you
just got to sit in that feeling of suckiness and just allow it to take over like you're sitting in a hot bubble bath of regret and learn from that because sometimes we just want to move so quickly into a different situation and we don't take time to process what has happened.
And if we don't take the time to process, it's just going to happen again and again and again.
And then we start to think that a certain pattern is our personality, but that's not true.
It's just a continuous pattern that we keep on seeing it show up in our lives.
So we haven't taken the time to just like sit with the thing and question it and challenge it.
Yeah. It's almost like you're talking about accountability within regret and that's really interesting.
Otherwise, you're right.
It's just an empty thing that you can use to beat yourself up with.
It's like self -flagellation.
Yeah. We know it's coming.
You're going to regret this thing, but it's like, how long do you want to keep on being in that place of regret, right?
And that's what I love about mindfulness meditation.
It slows you down. And once you see the thing, you can't unsee the thing.
Yeah. It's really true.
I mean, those questions were incredible and everything that you said, I'm just reminded of every time I'm sitting here and talking to you all and listening to these questions, it makes me think about, oh, I can do better.
I don't mean that with judgment, but just like it's within my grasp.
And I think that's just wonderful what you guys are sharing.
Yeah. This was awesome.
I know I'm going to get home tonight and be in the shower or something.
I'm going to be like, I should have said this instead.
But I'm really, really, really grateful for these questions because there's a lot for me to reflect on.
Well, and there's no need to have that regret, Dora, because you will be back again.
I'll be back again and again.
Many, many more times again yes i think what we have here dora is it's all a journey yes life is one big journey that's not to scare you but just to remind you to take things one step at a time and speaking of one step at a time did you see what i did there dora um if you all have questions for our
teachers and you want to be in a future episode all you have to do is head over to say hi .chat slash dear headspace and don't panic that link is going to be in the show notes so all you have to do is follow the prompts to record your question.
And if we feature your question on a show, you are going to get three months of free Headspace, Dora, and you can use it for yourself or someone you love.
How great is that? That is amazing.
Please send in those questions.
I, and I know the other teachers love hearing from you all.
So yeah, hit us up, send us the questions, no judgment, no shame, and we look forward to hearing from you.
And Dora, this is the saddest part of my day where we say goodbye.
But Dora, we're not going to just say goodbye and leave our listeners, are we?
No, we have some time built in for you at the end of this discussion to allow you just to process everything that was shared today and just to integrate the things that stuck with you and the things that you want to let go of.
So we leave you here with the beautiful, soothing sounds of waves in the ocean.
So take a moment just do settle in.
Your eyes can be open or closed and just notice the sounds and allow them to wash over your mind, body, and spirit.
So till next time, stay happy, stay healthy, and be kind to each other.
So kind. Be kind. Be kind.
Let's go. Thank you.
We'll be right back.
So Dear Headspace is a Headspace Studios original podcast.
It's produced by Robin Hopkins, Ash Jones, and Scott Sorensen.
It's executive produced by Morgan Selzer, Sarah Cohen, Baron Farmar, and Danny Krasimi.
It's hosted and produced by Robin Hopkins, Kaisonga Giscombe, Dora Kamau, Samantha Snowden, and Eve Lewis Prieto.
Sound recording and post -production is by Dan Kroll.
Music is by Scott Sorensen and Chris Merguia.
And a very special thanks to Colleen Lutz.
Owning a boat comes with a number of perks, like being able to fling your favorite fishing rod around.
And here's another perk.
GEICO's Boat Insurance covers your boat and your belongings.
And with specialist support from agents that are as passionate about boating as you are, there's so much value that you'll want to high -five someone, but not while you're holding your fishing rod.
That's a prized possession.
So hold on tight with both hands and keep it covered through boat insurance.
Get more with GEICO!
