Lemonada.
Hey, Story Pirates podcast listeners.
Lee here.
On today's episode, Megan and Rachel compete to convince Peter to invite one of them as his guest to a big fancy movie premiere.
You have never heard Megan and Rachel square off in a battle of weirdness like this before.
I promise.
And of course, we have two brand new stories written by kids and more story love with Lee and Peter.
And it's all coming up after a few words for the grownups.
Hey, grownups, Lee here.
See Story Pirates Live.
Our amazing touring cast, including Eric, will be visiting some East Coast cities this spring to perform some of your favorite songs from the podcast.
And they'll take suggestions from kids in the audience to create a brand new story that will only be seen once.
Best of all, all of our upcoming shows are on weekends, so no need to worry about school nights or bedtime routines.
We'll see you soon in Munhall Pennsylvania, just outside of Pittsburgh Cincinnati Ohio Portsmouth, New Hampshire Medford Massachusetts, just outside of Boston and Richfield, Connecticut.
Tickets to all the shows are on sale now at storypirates.com slash live.
So then I said, sure, I'll get off the stage.
But what about you, Timothée Chalamet?
That's incredible.
Wow, I did not see that coming.
Megan, I have to say I can never tell if the stories you tell are the truth or not, but either way, I'm here for it.
A doctor once told me I was medically incapable of lying.
Really, Peter?
No.
Say before we go back to the ship is there anything else we want to do at this adorable shopping mall?
There's a movie theater on the other end.
Maybe we could see something.
Oh, I think the new Gertrude Gershwin movie premieres today.
She is my absolute favorite.
Mine, too.
I know her.
She plays the Scarlet Librarian in the Super Revenge Squad movies.
Yeah, but she also writes and directs her own small independent films, including such thought-provoking box office-averse films such as Desolate Ponderance and The Quietest Scream.
Those are great, but my personal favorite is A Wizened Woman Wandering.
Really?
Megan, I would have guessed yours would have been Hush, Little Barbie.
I know, we're all supposed to love that one, but I have notes.
And if Gertrude were here right now, I wouldn't be afraid to say so.
Well, that's good, because she's right over there.
What?
Where?
She's sitting outside that bakery having a coffee next to that comically large rack of freshly baked bread.
Mmm.
Bread.
Oh, my.
Gosh, it's her.
It's really her.
I have to go talk to her.
Okay, fine.
I will go with you.
I don't know if you should interrupt.
She's on the phone.
Martha, I know what you think.
That me holding this movie premiere at a random mall in the middle of nowhere is a bad idea.
But I've told you, I don't want this movie to make money.
That's what Donna's done with De Niro is all about.
I'm going to go hide behind that colossal rack of bread and wait until she's off the phone.
Yes, me too.
Megan, why are you running?
I'm not running.
Why are you running?
I'm not.
All right, Martha, you're the best agent in the world.
I'll see you tonight.
Megan!
Rachel!
Look out for that!
Huh?
Bread!
Oh no, it's tipping over!
Miss Gershwin, look out!
Huh?
Ugh, did we just bury our artistic hero under a mountain of bread?
Help me!
Yeah, I think we did.
It just filled me up with joy.
My mom loves the jokes.
Yo, yo, my joke.
It made me very proud about my writing.
Just like random times, just say Maraca, Maraca, Maraca.
I definitely think I can be more creative now.
I'm the champion!
The Story Pirates.
Welcome back to the Story Pirates podcast everyone, where we take stories written by kids and turn them into sketch comedy and songs.
Help me!
Help me!
And sometimes we accidentally bury our generation's greatest auteur director in an impossibly large amount of bread.
Get me out of here!
This really is so much bread.
It will take us forever to dig her out.
Megan, Rachel, stand back.
I think the Scarlet Librarian's catchphrase says it best.
Time to dig in!
What?
Why is that her catchphrase?
Ah!
Oh, my goodness.
Peter is eating a tunnel through the bread.
Are we surprised?
He's eaten much weirder things.
That's true.
Remember when he ate that entire kelp forest?
Can I be honest?
No.
You're free, Miss Gershwin.
You saved me.
I thought I was going to be buried in there forever.
It was horrible.
Though it did give me an idea for my next movie.
It's called Doe Is Me.
Think Pride and Prejudice meets 127 Hours.
Genius.
What is your name, kind stranger?
Well, you probably remember that we met once briefly.
It was behind a Denny's in Cleveland, Ohio.
No, no, no, no.
Sorry.
I meant him.
Who?
Me?
I'm Peter.
Peter.
How can I ever repay you?
Oh, it's okay.
The free bread was payment enough.
And he's funny, too.
Why don't you come to my movie premiere tonight as my guest?
That sounds like fun.
I would love to.
Great.
I'll see you there.
Oh, and feel free to bring a plus one.
Thanks.
See you tonight.
Bye.
Wow.
She was so nice.
Did she say a plus one?
Hmm.
I guess I'll have to find someone who wants to go with me.
Yeah.
But first, let's do a story.
And here to introduce it is the author.
Hi, I'm Scarlett.
I'm 12 years old, and I live in Wisconsin.
This is my story, Pockets.
All right, Crystal, you're done preparing for your tap dancing lessons.
You've done all your weekend cleaning and meal prep for the week.
Now time to relax and watch your favorite show.
Who wants to be a porcupine owner?
Okay, folks, we are seconds away from finding out who wins this week's brand new porcupine.
Perfect timing.
I love this show.
Right after these messages.
No!
I hate commercials.
There's no way I'll want what they're selling.
Are you tired of holding stuff?
Tired of people piling things on you like you're a table?
Tired of being the porcupine holder and more?
Well, here's the perfect product for you.
Pockets, the number one invention to help you not hold stuff. product to help me not hold stuff?
Are you pulling my leg?
Yes, but only to get your attention.
But wait a sec.
I thought normal pockets were for holding stuff.
Not anymore.
Order pockets now.
You won't regret it.
Commercial, I stand corrected.
I'm always the one who holds everything in my friend group, like purses, coats and other people's porcupines.
Having a pocket would be helpful.
Let's give it a try.
Thank you for calling Pockets.
How many pockets would you like?
Just one pocket, please.
Of course.
Your pocket should arrive soon.
Oh, great.
Thanks.
Thanks for calling Pockets.
Buy more, please.
Uh, maybe later.
Bye.
Now to get back to my show.
Oh, wow.
That was really fast.
Hi.
Are you the delivery person?
Huh?
No.
You bought a pocket, and now I'm here.
I'm sorry?
You ordered a pocket, and now I'm here.
Why?
How should I know?
I just showed up.
But I'm getting the feeling I'm not wanted.
You aren't.
I ordered a pocket, and they sent me you.
Some guy.
Guess I gotta call and return you for an actual pocket.
Okay.
Thanks for calling Pockets.
How many pockets would you like?
I ordered a pocket earlier, and instead of getting a pocket, a guy showed up to my house instead.
Oh, no.
That almost never happens.
Almost?
Mind putting him on the phone?
Uh, sure.
It's for you.
Yellow.
Uh-huh.
Uh-huh.
No, I don't know.
Uh-huh.
Come back?
Uh-huh.
Okay.
Love you, too.
Bye.
Here you go, ma'am.
Guess I'll find my way back to wherever I was.
Bye.
Goodbye.
Hello?
Are you still there?
Thanks for calling Pockets.
How many pockets would you like?
Just one.
The one I ordered.
Your new pocket will arrive in two weeks.
Two whole weeks?
Thanks for calling Pockets.
Buy more, please?
No.
Goodbye.
Two weeks is going to take forever.
Those two weeks took forever.
Hi.
I have a delivery for you.
To be clear, you're the delivery person, right?
Not the product?
Uh, yes.
That's why I'm wearing this delivery person uniform.
Okay, good.
This package is for you.
That's a huge box for a single pocket.
I guess so.
Have a nice day.
Bye.
All right, time to open it up.
Can't a guy sleep in peace?
You're not a pocket.
You're another guy.
Not just any guy.
I'm a media influencer and podcast host.
Check out Chili Time wherever you get your podcasts.
We talk about all things chili, traditional chili, bean chili, turkey chili, avocado chili.
Ew, no thanks.
Where is my pocket?
I don't know.
I just fell asleep in this box and woke up to you screaming.
I really should stop falling asleep in boxes covered in stamps.
Ugh, I am so annoyed.
I guess I gotta call them again.
I'm gonna stop you right there.
This is the second time in a row you sent me a person instead of a pocket.
I want my money back.
Well, it looks like you've missed the return window.
So unfortunately, we can't refund you.
Well, how long was the return window?
Two seconds.
Two seconds?
Thanks for calling Pockets.
Buy more, please.
I'm hanging up.
I guess I have no choice but to drive to the headquarters and get my money back myself.
Aw, sick.
Can I get a ride?
No.
Aw.
To the headquarters!
Hello, welcome to Pockets HQ.
Buy some pockets, please.
No, thanks.
I ordered a pocket, but instead I was sent a random guy twice.
So sorry, that almost never happens.
I want my money back.
Unfortunately, it looks like you're past the two seconds return window.
Buy more, please.
I want to talk to whoever is in charge.
Okay, you can take the elevator up to the top floor.
Finally, to the top floor.
Wow, this office is huge.
There, that must be the boss sitting in that comically large desk chair facing away from me.
Uh, excuse me, are you in charge?
Yep, so go away now.
I will not.
I was sent two random guys instead of my pocket, and now I want my money.
Those guys were your pocket makers.
What?
Well, no one told them that.
They didn't seem to know anything about anything.
One didn't know how he got to my house, and the other was a podcaster.
Are you kidding me?
Yep, so go away now.
Who do you think you are?
Those guys were your pocket makers.
Wait, why are you saying the same things over and over again?
I think it's time for you to turn that chair around.
Turning your chair and...
Oh, my goodness.
You aren't a person.
You're a porcupine holding a voice recorder?
Aw, rats.
That tape recorder's been giving me trouble.
What's the meaning of this?
You don't understand.
I've always dreamed of being more than just a porcupine that people carry and pet and say how cute I am.
I have hopes and dreams.
I wanted to be a famous tap dancer, but no one will teach me for free.
So I came up with a clever plan to make money.
Create a fake product that people buy.
Then I send a couple of confused guys instead of the product and I don't allow them to get a refund.
That's your plan?
I'm sure there are easier ways to make money.
And now you're here, the first person to actually come and confront me.
I guess the jig is up.
I'll have to figure out some other get-rich-quick scheme to fulfill my dreams.
I might have an idea.
I'm actually a tap dance teacher.
I could teach you how to tap dance and maybe in return, you could be my pet porcupine.
Having a porcupine is my biggest dream.
What?
You'd do that for me?
Sure.
I feel bad you had to go through all of this for your dream.
And I say now we can help each other.
What do you say?
I'll do it.
No more selling pockets for me.
Oh, yay.
I can't believe it.
Wow.
What an incredible ending.
Chili podcast, guy.
Hey, thanks for listening to Chili Time, everyone.
I've been your host, Guy in a Box.
Get out of my office.
Like and subscribe.
And now, Leigh speaks with the author.
Scarlett, I'm so excited to talk to you about your story.
I'm excited to talk about it, too.
So you wrote Pockets.
Yeah.
Can you tell me how you got the idea for it?
My parents always say they don't like it when we pile stuff on us and they say the silly thing that hey, we're not a table.
I don't know.
I just thought it was funny.
They say we're not a table?
Yeah, they don't like us piling stuff on them.
And they'd rather us put it on counters instead of just saying, here, hold this.
That's amazing.
So, and an alternative to a countertop or a table or a parent is a pocket.
It's so future forward.
Can you shed some light on the porcupine?
You know, we get a little bit of a glimpse into their hopes and dreams.
But why did you feel like that was important to include at the end of the story?
Well, I felt that there must be a reason why he invented and is selling pockets.
And the reason is because no one is giving money away for free to porcupines anymore.
And he's so mad.
All he wants in his poor, tiny porcupine life is some cat dance lessons so he can go to Hollywood or Broadway and cat dance.
He's just scamming everyone he sees.
He's like, you want a pocket?
Come order this.
And then a few weeks later, I got a person instead of a pocket.
Boo.
I also love the pocket delivery guy who's actually a chili podcaster.
Would you listen to a chili podcast if there really was one?
I think I would listen to the chili podcast.
Me and my sister Adele, who sent in a story called Seafood.
We have been making kind of a fake podcast for our little sister Hazel, because she just likes listening to things on her Yodo a lot.
Oh, my gosh.
What is the podcast about?
Me and Adele named it OMG, and it's about little fun facts about animals.
Oh, that is so sweet and so funny at the same time.
In our podcast we included an interview with a dog, and it's just our dogs at our house breathing heavily into the phone.
Yeah.
And do you pretend like you can tell what they're saying or do the interviewers not speak dog?
After we do the really heavy thing, we like kind of translate it.
You sound like you're like full of creative projects.
I mean, I have a bunch of things going at once.
So, yeah.
Yeah.
Are you like the sort of person that's always looking for new, fun, creative things to do?
Or do you just have ideas that you can't resist?
Ideas that I can't resist.
I'm always like starting a drawing or starting an embroidery or like a little story.
It sounds like your family's really funny too.
Like, do you guys laugh a lot and make jokes together?
Yes, we always like to be silly with each other.
What's like the funniest, weirdest inside joke that you have with your family?
Me and my sisters made up this fake language where we only use the word maraca like the musical instrument when we were younger and we just like, for random times, just say maraca maraca, maraca.
To this day.
Yes, we still do it.
Thank you so much scarlet, it's great to talk to you and thanks for letting us perform your story.
Thank you, it was really fun to talk to you too.
Bye bye okay, what a great story.
Oh, that was fantastic, amazing story.
So Peter, have you given any thought to whom you might want to invite to the movie premiere?
Yes, Peter, I have the same question.
Well, I would love to go with you, Megan.
Happy to.
As an actor, it's important to take these networking opportunities.
All part of the job.
Of course, I'd also love to bring Rachel.
I accept.
I am clearly Gertrude's biggest fan.
But then again, I'd hate to leave Megan behind.
Then don't.
But I'd also hate to leave Rachel behind.
Then it's settled.
Sorry, Megan, I... But Siegfried also loves independent films.
Siegfried?
Oh, gosh.
This is tricky.
I don't want to hurt anyone's feelings.
Oh, I know.
Why don't I go have lunch and not think about it?
But... Turmilk pancakes for lunch?
Great idea.
I'll run back to the ship and make myself some.
Okay, bye!
Huh.
This is quite the situation, isn't it?
Quite.
I know that Peter means well, but look what he's done.
Unwittingly pitted two dear friends against each other.
Yeah, it would be much better if he just made a choice.
The last thing I want is for such a trivial matter to come between us.
I couldn't agree more.
So, does that mean you'll give me the plus one?
Absolutely not.
And I don't suppose that you would just give it to me.
That I would not.
Hmm, we seem to be at an impasse.
I guess there's nothing to be done.
Unless, and hear me out, we could do what Gertrude did in her fourth film, Ladies, This Means War.
Is that the one where the main protagonist, instead of covertly vying for the top position at their company, confidently declare open war and, in the process, found a lasting respect for each other?
That's the one.
Rachel, that is a ridiculously great idea.
All right, friend.
First one to convince Peter to give them the plus one wins.
You're on.
But first, what's that over there?
Huh?
Where?
Gotcha.
Ha, ha, ha.
Ah, cheap trick.
But I respect it.
Ha, ha.
Ah, buttermilk pancakes, you were a worthy adversary, but you were no match for my mouth.
Now, what was I doing?
The lights went out.
What's happening?
Spotlight, please.
Whoa, Megan, has there always been a small stage in the ship's dining room?
The year was the late, early, middle, early, late 20th century, and I was but a girl.
Papa, do you remember what I said when you asked me what I wanted to be when I grow up?
Yes, child.
How could I forget?
You told me that you would need time to ponder such an important question.
Yes, yet I ponder no more, for I know what it is I wish to be.
Speak, child.
What is it?
A multi-hyphenate performer, writer, director, and social media influencer.
But child, where could such multifaceted work be done?
Surely there is no place where you could be all those things at once.
Ah, but there is, Papa.
The only place I can be my true self is the red carpet at a movie premiere.
Gods be praised.
And scene.
Wow.
Megid.
The power of theater has moved me.
I had no idea that going to a movie premiere is one of your lifelong dreams.
Yes.
Well, that and ignoring the playoff music at the Oscars.
And what a coincidence because I have a plus one for that movie premiere tonight.
Oh, that's right.
Megan, I have a question for you.
I'm listening.
Would you like to... Hey, wait a minute.
Do you hear something?
I do not.
What were you about to say?
It sort of sounds like a giant saw cutting a big circle around me through the floor.
I'm sure it is nothing.
Quickly now, what was the question you were about to ask me?
Oh, right.
Do you want to go with me to... Oh, hello, Peter.
Rachel, what just happened?
Nobody knows.
Why not look at this instead?
Whoa, that sort of looks like the old chore wheel, but with a big swirl on it.
Yes, this is from my old days as a hypnotist's roadie.
Now look as it gets swirlier.
Whoa.
Peter, listen to my voice.
Yes, Rachel.
When I snap my fingers, you'll be filled with the insatiable urge to invite me Rachel, to a Special delivery.
Huh?
I have a special delivery for, uh, Rachel.
Uh, yes, I'm Rachel.
It's a big old box right outside.
I'd hurry up.
Smells like there's something burning in there.
Oh, no.
I'd better put on my giant hat and run and see.
Here I go.
I breathe like this when I run.
Yeah!
You go ahead.
I'll just stay here and remove this fake beard.
Ha-ha!
Megan reveal!
Now, Peter, before we were so rudely interrupted, you were going to ask me something.
Peter?
Peter, are you asleep?
You're not Peter.
You're a bale of hay dressed in Peter's clothes.
Well played, Rachel.
But the game is not over yet.
Here I come!
We will be back after a few words for the grown-ups.
Hey, grownups, Lee here.
See Story Pirates Live.
Our amazing touring cast, including Eric, will be visiting some East Coast cities this spring to perform some of your favorite songs from the podcast.
And they'll take suggestions from kids in the audience to create a brand new story that will only be seen once.
Best of all, all of our upcoming shows are on weekends, so no need to worry about school nights or bedtime routines.
We'll see you soon in Munhall Pennsylvania, just outside of Pittsburgh Cincinnati Ohio Portsmouth, New Hampshire Medford Massachusetts, just outside of Boston and Richfield, Connecticut.
Tickets to all the shows are on sale now at storypirates.com slash live.
Now to get Peter out of my giant hat.
Rachel, so swirly.
Oh, he's still hypnotized.
Peter, snap out of it.
What happened?
Peter, do you have anything to say to me?
I do.
I suddenly have an insatiable urge to invite you, Rachel.
Yes?
To a...
Special delivery!
Yes, I... Wait, sorry.
What?
A special delivery?
Sorry, I don't know why I said that.
Oh, shoot.
Megan interrupted the hypnotism.
You hypnotized me?
Yes, and I'm going to do it again.
Listen to my voice.
Sleep!
Peter?
Peter?
Peter?
Oh no, he's double hypnotized.
Great.
Now my only choice is to do an inception on him.
Now I must go into Peter's dreams.
Oh, what a strange dream I was just having.
I was going to a movie premiere and I couldn't figure out whom to take with me.
That sounds stressful.
It was, giant waffle that looks like Rachel.
Maybe you should invite Rachel, since she's such a big fan of Gertrude Gershwin.
Yeah, that is a good idea.
I think I- Or you could invite Megan.
She's given her whole life to the acting industry.
Say, that's a good point too, roasted turkey leg that looks like Megan.
Megan, how did you get into Peter's dreams?
How you think you're the only one on this ship that can do an inception?
Hey, guys?
Why am I dreaming about turkey legs and waffles?
Uh-oh.
I forgot it was baby with a mustache's nap time, too.
We must have accidentally entangled their dreams.
That's why I'm here.
Ah!
It's the giant, evil, wet diaper!
What is happening?
Run!
Peter, come on.
Whoa, a running waffle?
That's wild.
This way, through this revolving door.
A turkey leg running?
Well, that actually makes a little more sense.
Huh?
Look, we're on a red carpet.
Peter, going to a movie premiere is your dream?
No, it's my nightmare.
Peter.
Miss Gershwin.
I told you you could bring a plus one.
But here you are, plus three.
A waffle, a turkey leg, and a napping baby with a mustache.
I don't know what's going on.
I'm so sorry.
I didn't know what to do.
Red carpet, get them.
The red carpet just reared up like a giant snake!
And now it's going to eat you!
Megan, this is getting out of hand.
You might be right.
Ah!
The diaper is back!
This is a nightmare!
Okay, we're clearly stressing Peter out.
Yes, this has gone a little too far.
Let's do what we came here to do and end this.
Agreed.
Hey, Peter?
Yes?
You should invite Megan.
You should invite Rachel.
Now wake up.
Wait, did you say Rachel?
Did you say Megan?
I'm waking up!
What a strange dream.
Hmm.
How'd I get back in my race car bed?
Come in.
Knock, knock, Peter.
Rise and shine.
Someone was talking in their sleep.
Megan, Rachel, what are you doing here?
Peter, we just wanted to say that we're sorry if we stressed you out about this whole, plus one thing.
I don't need to go.
Battling Rachel today was so fun.
I'm sort of spent.
Me too.
I don't need to meet my hero because all my heroes live right here.
On the ship.
Oh, well, I was going to say that I think you two should go instead of me.
I'm actually not really into her movies.
But if you don't want to, I think Siegfried would... No, we'll take it.
Oh, okay.
Good.
But first, how about we do another story?
Yeah!
And here to introduce it is the author.
Hello, I'm Aiden.
I'm six and I live in London.
This is my story, The Evil Calendar.
Evan!
Time for a family meeting in the kitchen.
Mom, Dad, for the last time, I don't know who Steely Dan is and I don't want to listen to him.
No, sweetheart, it's not about that.
Oh, what is it?
Your father and I called this meeting to talk about the family calendar.
The calendar?
We've decided that we need to cut down on screen time.
So we've deleted our phone calendars.
And replaced it with this good old-fashioned wall calendar.
Fun, right?
But I'm only in third grade.
Calendars are so confusing.
Hardly.
Look, you just take a pencil and cross out all of the days that already happened.
And the first day that's uncrossed out is today.
So look here.
This is the first one not crossed out.
So that means it's Monday.
Easy, right?
I guess.
Well, time to get ready for school.
That was weird.
Mom?
Dad?
Did you two hear that?
The only thing I hear is the sound of us not listening to Steely Dan.
The crossings out on the calendar moved.
They're going from top to middle to bottom.
This is so confusing.
Now the calendar says it's Saturday.
Did you just say it's Saturday?
Your soccer game is today.
Everyone get in the car.
But I thought today was Monday.
Darling, are you joking?
You're wrong, Evan.
It's not Monday today.
It's Saturday.
But it can't be Saturday just because the calendar says it is.
Evan, that's literally what a calendar is for.
You look at it, and the first date that's not crossed off is today.
We just explained it to you.
But to the game!
Woo!
That's my boy!
Here we are at the big game.
How exciting!
Go, Evan!
Woo!
Mom, Dad, no one's here.
It's just me alone standing in the middle of a soccer field.
You know what?
It's so clear what's happening.
Oh, thank goodness.
Let's go to school.
The other team was so scared, they didn't even show up.
Ha!
Kick the ball, son!
But... Let's see some hustle!
Fine!
I can't wait to watch the next 50 minutes of this game.
50 minutes?
Mom, Dad, now that we're in the car, can you please drive me to school?
Evan, for the last time, today isn't Monday.
I brought the calendar with us.
See, it says right here that... Hun, stop the car!
What?
Look at what date it actually is today!
How could we possibly miss that?
Oh, thank goodness.
Finally, you guys are going to take me to school.
No time.
We need to get home.
It's the big day.
What big day?
To home.
Here we are at home.
Mom, Dad, I have to get to school.
This is not normal.
Yes, it is.
In fact, let's just open the door like everything is normal and... Surprise!
What?
What birthday?
Son birthday.
That's what day the calendar says.
It is sorry we didn't get you any gifts, but we did get some random people from down the street to come celebrate with you.
Happy birthday, happy birthday Now blow out your candles, Evan.
My birthday is three months from now.
No need to be modest, Evan.
If you look at the calendar, you'll see that today is clearly Hun.
Look at what day it actually is today.
How could we miss that?
We need to get Evan to school right away.
Finally, now they get it.
Good afternoon, students.
Afternoon, Mr. Flannel.
Who's ready to learn some multiplication?
Oh, thank goodness we're not too late.
Get on up there, Evan.
Sorry I'm late, Mr. Flannel.
My parents got today's date wrong.
Don't worry, Evan.
You only missed a few things, and I can't... Excuse me.
In the back there, Evan's parents, why are you playing Pomp and Circumstance from a tape player?
Because there's no Steely Dance song for a high school graduation.
Well, it may be realin' in the years.
Oh, yeah.
Excuse me, but this is not a high school graduation.
This is a random day of third grade.
You mean he's graduating early?
Mom, Dad, I'm eight.
I'm not graduating.
But it's right here on the calendar.
See?
Wait a minute.
Look at the crossed out dates.
Your graduation isn't today.
Wow.
We got the date really, really, really, really wrong.
What do you mean?
Hello and welcome to the 6 o'clock news.
I'm Katrina Jane Stubbinson.
And I'm Ted.
Tonight's top story, a large crowd has gathered at a house on Mulberton Avenue.
We go to Maxine Winthermoth in the field with more.
Maxine?
Thanks, Katrina.
I'm here outside 16 Mulberton where two parents have promised to make an announcement that they call quote head spinning in a press release this morning.
And now it looks like they're coming onto their front porch to make the announcement.
Greetings, humans.
Thank you for gathering here with us.
We were once normal beings like you.
But when we read our calendar and saw what year it was, we discovered the truth.
We have learned that we are, in fact, 4,186 years old.
We do not know how we have lived so long.
So we have come to the only logical conclusion.
We have become obelisks of pure energy.
Empty your minds and let us pass our ageless wisdom on to you.
That's enough!
Evan!
You two made me play a soccer match by myself.
You thought I graduated high school when I was in the middle of third grade.
And now this?
But the calendar said that it was so.
And the calendar is truth.
You just don't understand.
You're right.
I got confused, so I just looked up the date somewhere else.
Look at what my phone says.
See?
It's... Monday?
Oh, right.
So I guess that means it hasn't been 1.5 million years.
It's been two hours?
Wow.
Calendar, I guess we were a fool to do your dirty work.
Oh, yeah.
We are so sorry that we took that calendar too literally.
Thanks for checking, Evan.
It's okay.
Just promise me we'll stick to the calendar app from now on.
We promise.
Hey kiddo, now that that's over, got any Steely Dan on that phone?
Dad, you've never even listened to Steely Dan, have you?
I have not.
The end.
We'll be right back after a few words for the grown-ups.
Welcome back to Story Love, where we take stories written by kids and we talk about them.
Peter, hello.
Lee, hello.
Welcome back.
Thank you.
What's going on with your voice?
I don't know what you mean.
You okay?
Yep.
You weren't talking like that a second ago.
That's totally...
How we talk.
Oh, okay.
Well, this first story comes to us from an eight-year-old in Wisconsin named Samara.
And Samara's story is called, well, that escalated quickly.
I looked at my clothes and saw a strange circle.
First, I tried washing my clothes.
It didn't work.
In fact, it turned into a portal and sucked me in.
I met the demon king.
I defeated it.
The end.
Well, that escalated quickly.
It sure did.
And what a way to hang a lampshade on the fact that you are writing a short story.
Yeah.
Then to title it, well, that escalated quickly.
You know what?
Campaign promise met.
That's right.
Yeah.
That's right.
You're elected, Samara.
It really did.
Like, if I were to...
There's a math lesson in here.
Oh.
You know, of how things in this story heighten, how weird they get, how quickly.
You could heighten sort of linearly, which is like 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, which is just a straight line.
But this is what we call an exponential heightening.
Oh.
This is like 2, 4, 8, 16, 32.
Because...
The first few steps seem really reasonable, and then everything just doubles and doubles, and doubles.
I looked for my clothes and saw a strange circle.
I tried washing them.
It didn't work.
In fact, it turned into a portal, sucked me, and I met the Demon King.
I defeated it.
I think I understand your point, but I'm not sure you understand math.
I never said I did.
You said it was exponential, but exponential is a far steeper curve than what you used the numbers you illustrated it with
Oh, no, no.
It just doubles.
2, 4, 8, 16, 32, 64, 128.
Is that really an exponential curve?
Yep.
Sounds like I do know math.
I love the way you said yep.
You go, yep, yep.
Period.
Well, maybe you're right.
Seemed to me like you were just giving me a times table.
I mean, yeah.
I was doing that, too.
Samara, amazing story.
Thank you for sharing it.
Peter, would you like to read the next?
Lee, this next story comes to us from a nine-year-old from Pennsylvania named Elias.
And Elias' story is called Hot Dog Lasers.
Today is the case of Bob versus Hot Dog.
Bob, you tell us your side of the story.
Thank you, Judge.
So it all happened yesterday.
Yesterday.
Yesterday.
Here's your hot dog, Bob.
How much is it?
$2,000.
Okay, that's perfectly reasonable.
Okay, now I'm about to eat my hot dog and... Oh no!
It's shooting lasers at me!
It hits me and now I'm flying past Mars!
Present day, present day.
Wait, if you flew past Mars, how are you on Earth?
Well, I used Mars' gravitational field to slingshot back to Earth.
Okay, that makes perfect sense.
I declare hot dog guilty.
Aw.
Wait.
You can talk?
The end.
The voice got higher as you went.
As the story progressed, the hot dog's voice got higher and higher.
Well, that's the.
Kind of like the way you started this episode.
That's the first time we hear hot dog.
The other character is hot dog salesperson.
Oh, you're right.
I'm trying to imagine where the lasers come out of the hot dog.
Can you tell me what you were imagining?
Oh well, the scariest place a laser could come out would be the end, because your relationship to a hot dog is you're gonna eat a hot dog, you're gonna take a bite at the end.
Imagine you look, you won't take a bite.
And you look at it, it goes.
I think it's the grossest way it could come out, for sure.
But scariest i think is like coming out of all of it beams of energy in all directions right, Right.
I mean, that's terrifying.
Absolutely terrifying.
And how do the lasers work exactly?
Once they hit something, they transport it into space?
Maybe the laser is just like a burst of energy.
Right.
It's like... It just hits you and you fly.
In that case, I think it probably does come out of the end of the hot dog because...
Or it's not hitting everything.
It does say it's shooting lasers at me.
It does.
The hot dog could then go, oh, what am I hiding behind in the bun over here?
It's a couple of lasers.
And he's got them like shoulder cannons.
And he's like, laser, laser, laser.
This is not an anthropomorphic hot dog, though.
This is like an actual hot dog.
Except it talks at the end.
Sure, but it doesn't have arms and legs.
It doesn't say it doesn't have arms and legs.
It definitely doesn't have arms and legs, if you ask me.
If you ask me, it definitely doesn't say definitely.
It definitely doesn't not definitely say that.
It doesn't definitely say hot dogs.
I think the lasers are shooting at the end, and I think it is multiple lasers, but it's more like a pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew, pew.
The classic laser gun sound.
That's right.
Pew, pew, pew.
Multiple.
It's not like...
Yeah, it's like... It's not a James Bond laser.
It's like a Star Wars laser.
That's right.
I can get behind that.
Okay, and I have one more question.
Yes.
So the way that the hot dog or Bob returns to Earth is a slingshot around Mars' gravitational field.
Yeah.
Is that or is that not...
How Apollo 13 got back to Earth?
That's exactly how they get back to Earth, the moon missions.
Except with the moon.
They use the gravitational pull of the Earth.
And they use way less fuel because you just get caught in the gravitational pull, turn off your engines, let it come around, and then you fire to break it.
Right, amazing.
Elias, amazing, amazing story.
Thank you so much for sending it.
Will you read this final story?
Yes, I would love to.
This one is from a six-year-old named Harlow in Maine, and it's called The Fruit Tree.
Once upon a time there was a boy named Jack and a girl named Harriet, and they both went out to the fruit tree.
But it wasn't a normal fruit tree.
It had a human, a phone, a carrot, a pole, some ash...
And it had a plane, a tree, a snowman, a wolf, a bunny, a bell, another tree.
Then Harriet said, what's happened to this tree?
The tree is not normal, said Jack.
Then they thought of an idea.
They brought their mom and dad, and then their mom and dad said, what is it?
Jack and Harriet pointed at the fruit tree.
There was more stuff in it.
A TV appeared, a home appeared, a person appeared, and also a dog and a lamp.
Then magically the fruit tree disappeared and all the stuff on it disappeared too.
Jack, Harriet, and their parents also disappeared.
Then they went to another time and had lots of fun.
The end.
What?
Yeah, a lot going on here.
For me, this is like a modern update of The Giving Tree by Shel Silverstein.
Right?
Yeah, the giving tree slowly loses pieces and gives them away.
Right.
But this one is growing endless stuff.
Right.
The picture in here indicates that the tree is growing all of these things.
That's right.
It's not fruit.
It's a TV.
It's another house.
It's a person.
It's another tree.
That's right.
And...
You know, just like we in our own lives are accumulating more more more, until we disappear and take our families with us.
Yeah.
Okay.
That's the big twist.
They go, oh, then the tree disappeared.
And then we go, oh, was it real?
But then they disappeared.
And they're in a better place than having a lot of fun.
Well, they went to another time.
Yes.
Back in time?
Another time.
Another time?
You know, like, sometimes you'll read a book or a movie that has a time travel aspect to it.
Yes.
But they don't tell you whether it's forward or backwards in time.
Oh, yeah.
And then it's like a twist.
You don't really know until the end.
I think this is like that.
Spoilers.
They don't know.
Planet of the Apes.
Spoilers of a movie trope.
I was going to say spoiler just like Planet of the Apes.
Oh, okay.
Got it.
Yeah.
You did just ruin Planet of the Apes for millions of children.
That's right.
Good work.
You're welcome.
Yeah.
Which one?
The Mark Wahlberg version?
Yes.
With Paul Giamatti?
I'm an ape!
I forgot he was in that.
Yeah, he plays an ape.
So does Helena Bonham Carter.
Okay, it's all coming back to me.
I'm an ape!
You know what?
Was that an impression?
I don't know.
I went into that movie excited.
I wish Tim Burton directed it.
Very surprising.
But not as surprising as The Fruit Tree by Harlow.
Fantastic work, my friend.
Incredible stuff.
And to read all of today's Story Love stories, just head to storypirates.com.
And guess what, grownups?
You can find an even longer version of today's Story Love on YouTube.
We drop a new video every week, and here's something maybe you didn't know.
Did you know that YouTube will show it to more people and help story pirates grow if we get more views right away?
It's weird.
I don't even know if I like it, but it's true.
So by watching these videos as soon as you can, you're not only seeing Lee and Peter in our beautiful mugs read these hilarious stories written by kids, but you're also helping each kid's story be celebrated by more people and contributing to our channel's growth, which means we can create more videos and help fund our podcast.
You probably heard us talking this season about how impacted free forms of educational media like us, have been.
But this is a free step you can take to help.
And you can find the link to today's video in the show notes.
And while you're there, subscribe to our channel and make sure to watch the new videos each week.
And Grown Up Story Love isn't just the name of a segment on our show.
It's also the name of our incredible corporate volunteer program.
To find out more about it, or to find out about StoryQuest, our digital creative writing program, or our nonprofit Arm Story Pirates Changemakers.
Check out the show notes.
Check out the show notes for links.
We'll be back next week with another brand new episode.
Until then, stay creative and stay kind.
The Story Pirates Podcast is a production of Story Pirates Studios.
Executive produced by Lee Overtree and Benjamin Salka.
This episode was produced by Isabella Riccio, Sam Baer, Peter McNerney, Lee Overtree and Brittany Stahl.
Recording, sound design, and mixing by...
Sam Baer at the Relic Room in New York City.
Additional production by Brett Toobin.
Theme song by Bobby Lord.
Musical scoring by Eric Gerson and Jack Mitchell.
Our head writer is Peter McNerney.
Staff writers are Megan O'Neill and Alexis Simpson.
Contributing writers are Eric Austin, Andrew Miller, and Lee Overtree.
Episode artwork by Camilla Franklin.
This episode features performances by Max Bank, Nat D'Amico, Tara Halpern, Woody Fu, Christina Grosspeach, Sebastian Martinez, Peter McNerney, Joshua Nasser, Megan O'Neill, Leah Overtree, Sasha Reckler, Chris Simpson and Andrew Warner.
Thank you for calling Buckets.
How many buckets would you like?
Hi.
Yes.
Yeah, I just heard about your product and I'd like to order 25 pockets to be delivered to Peter McNerney.
Care of the tidal wave.
Of course.
Your pockets should arrive soon.
Oh, great.
And would it be possible to, instead of sending the actual pockets, send a bunch of random guys, like what happened in today's story?
I just think it'd be really funny for Peter to get a delivery of 25 random guys, you know?
Of course.
Okay.
Well, that's it, I guess.
Thanks.
Thanks for calling Packets.
Buy more, please?
Um, no.
