Well, this is nice.
We don't have a lot of company over.
That's not true.
Kuther, Polly, and Wallowitz come over all the time.
Yes, I know.
Tuesday night, we played Klingon Boggle until 1 in the morning.
Yeah, I remember.
I resent you saying we don't have company.
I'm sorry.
That is a negative social implication.
I said I'm sorry.
So, Klingon Boggle?
Yeah, it's like regular boggle, but in Klingon.
That's probably enough about us.
Tell us about you.
Um, me?
Okay.
I'm a Sagittarius, which probably tells you way more than you need to know.
Yes, it tells us that you participate in the mass cultural delusion that the sun's apparent position relative to arbitrarily defined constellations at the time of your birth somehow affects your personality.
Participate in the what?
What Sheldon's trying to say is that Sagittarius wouldn't have been our first guess.
Oh, yeah.
A lot of people think I'm a water sign.
Okay, let's see.
What else?
Oh, I'm a vegetarian.
No, except for fish.
And the occasional steak.
I love steak.
Well, that's interesting.
Leonard can't process corn.
Do you have some sort of a job?
Oh, yeah.
I'm a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
I love cheesecake.
You're lactose intolerant.
I don't eat it.
I just think it's a good idea.
Oh, anyways, I'm also writing a screenplay.
It's about this sensitive girl who comes to LA from Lincoln Nebraska, to be an actress and winds up a waitress at the Cheesecake Factory.
So it's based on your life.
No, I'm from Omaha.
Well, if that was a movie, I would go see it.
I know, right?
Okay, let's see.
What else?
Um, I guess that's about it.
That's the story of Penny.
Well, it sounds wonderful.
It was.
Until I fell in love with a jerk.
Well, just play one-on-one until he gets back.
One-on-one?
We don't play one-on-one.
We play teams, not one-on-one.
One-on-one.
Well, the only way we can play teams at this point is if we cut Raj in half.
Oh, sure.
Cut the fart in half.
There's a billion more where he came from.
Hey, if you guys need a fourth, I'll play.
Great idea.
Uh, no.
The wheel was a great idea.
Relativity was a great idea.
This is a notion and a rather sucky one at that.
Why?
Why?
Oh, penny, penny, penny.
Oh, what, what, what?
This is a complex battle simulation with a steep learning curve.
There are myriad weapons, vehicles and strategies to master, not to mention an extremely intricate backstory.
Okay, I got this.
Lock and load, boys.
It's the only way we can play teams.
Yes, but whoever's her partner will be hamstrung by her lack of experience and not to mention the fact that she's... Ah, there goes your hat again.
Okay, this isn't all good sportsmanship to shoot somebody who's just respawned.
You need to give them a chance to... Now, come on.
Raj, Raj, she's gonna keep going.
Cover me.
Cover this sucker.
Betty, you are on fire.
Yeah, so is Sheldon.
Okay, that's it.
I don't know how, but she is cheating.
No one can be that attractive and this skilled at a video game.
Wait, wait, Sheldon, come back.
You forgot something.
What?
This plasma grenade.
Look, it's raining you.
You laugh now.
You just wait until you need tech support.
It's a big deal.
There's an awards banquet and a dance afterward.
Perhaps he'd like to come with me.
I know the other fellows would be really excited to see a girl there.
How is it supposed to be a dance if I'm the only girl?
Well, that may be a slight exaggeration.
You'd be the only doable girl.
You're a peg, Howard.
It was doable.
Anything but a compliment.
Howard, why don't we just work on the robot?
Please, Leonard, not now.
Once again, Penny and I have begun our little tango.
Our tango?
The carnal repartee, the erotic to and fro.
But as delicious as the appetizer might be, at some point we will have to succumb and eat the entree while it's still.
I'm begging you, stop talking.
Look, normally I can just ignore you.
I mean, I get it.
You're a little peculiar, you know, like Sheldon.
Excuse me, Penny, but in this room, you're the one who's peculiar.
Yeah, you might be right.
But back to you.
I know you think you're some sort of smooth-talking ladies' man, but the truth is you are just pathetic and creepy.
Um, so what are you saying?
I am saying it is not a compliment to call me doable.
It is not sexy to stare at my ass and say, ooh, it must be jelly, because jam don't shake like that.
And most important, we are not dancing a tango.
We're not to-ing and fro-ing.
Nothing is ever going to happen between us, ever.
Wait a minute.
This isn't flirting.
You're serious.
You think I'm flirting with you?
I am not flirting with you.
No woman is ever going to flirt with you.
You're just going to grow old and die alone.
Thanks for the heads up.
Howard, where are you going?
I'm going home to live my creepy, pathetic life.
Wow.
Well, someone had to say it.
What?
He said maybe we should enter you in the killer robot company.
Hi, can you help me?
I was writing an email and the A key got stuck.
Now it's just going, ah!
What'd you spill on it?
Nothing.
Diet Coke.
And yogurt.
Yogurt.
A little nail polish?
I'll take a look at it.
Gentlemen, switching to local nerd news Fishman Chen, Chowdhury and McNair aren't fielding a team in the University Physics Bowl this year.
You're kidding.
Why not?
They formed a barbershop quartet and got a gig playing Knott's Berry Farm.
Wow.
So in your world, you're like the cool guys.
Recognize.
This is our year.
With those guys out, the entire physics bowl will kneel before Zod.
Zod?
Kryptonian villain.
Long story.
Good story.
Count me out.
What?
Why?
You want me to use my intelligence in a tawdry competition?
Would you ask Picasso to play Pictionary?
Would you ask Noah Webster to play Boggle?
Would you ask Jacques Cousteau to play Go Fish?
Come on, you need a four-person team.
We're four people.
By that reasoning we should also play bridge, hold up a hopa and enter the Olympic bobsled competition.
Tickets to that, please.
Sheldon, what?
Do I need to quote Spock's dying words to you?
No, don't.
The needs of the many... Outweigh the needs of the few.
Or the one.
Damn it, I'll do it.
Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.
A young woman alone in the big city.
Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Then it hits her.
How is she going to survive?
But she has no prospects, no marketable skills.
And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, is it?
Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Okay, you know what?
I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
I don't need to listen to this.
There's your answer, free food.
Uh, Giselle's not getting kicked off.
It's totally gonna be summer.
What?
It's Sheldon's onion ring.
Just put it back.
It's one onion ring.
Just put it back before he comes.
No, no, no, I don't think that's where it was.
Okay, here he comes.
The wall of silence.
Who touched my plate?
Why would you do that?
I don't know.
I was hungry.
What's the big deal?
The big deal is that nobody touches food on my plate.
All right.
Look, I didn't know.
I'm sorry.
Well, I'm sorry, but that is your second strike.
What?
You have two strikes.
Three strikes and you're out.
It's a sports metaphor.
A sports metaphor?
Yes, baseball.
All right, yeah, I'll play along.
What was my first strike?
March 18th.
You violated my rule about forwarding email humor.
I did?
I trusted you with my email address and you betrayed that trust by sending me.
Internet banality strike one.
Touching my food, strike two.
Don't worry, they only stay on your record for a year.
You can get them removed early, but you have to take his class.
Oh, come on.
I touched one onion ring.
And then you put it back, compromising the integrity of all the other onion rings.
Oh, honey, the buses don't go where you live, do they?
Penny, I wish I could be more lenient with you, but since you've become a permanent member of our social group, I have to hold you to the same standards as everybody else.
Congratulations.
You're officially one of us.
One of us.
One of us.
Well, what a thrill.
You're sitting in my spot?
Oh, you've got to be kidding me.
Leonard, she's in my spot.
Yeah, yeah.
I don't care.
I'm taking a stand.
All right.
That's it.
Strike three.
Ooh, strike three.
I'm banished?
What the hell kind of crap is that?
Don't worry, I'll talk to him.
Yeah, you do that.
Just so I know, would you be open to taking his class?
Oh my God, you are grown men!
How could you waste your lives with these stupid toys and costumes and comic books?
And now that!
That!
Again, time machine.
Oh, please, it's not a time machine.
If anything, it looks like something Elton John would drive through the Everglades.
It only moves in time.
It would be worse than useless in a swamp.
Pathetic.
All of you, completely pathetic.
Mic done.
What are you doing?
I'm packing up all my collectibles and taking them down to the comic book store to sell.
Was that really necessary?
If you need money, you can always sell blood.
And semen.
It's not about money.
We brought food.
Locks and bagels, the breakfast of time travelers.
Terrific.
Does anyone want to buy my share of the time machine?
Why?
Because I don't want it anymore.
Why?
Just personal reasons.
My spidey sense tells me this has something to do with penning.
Do you want to buy me out or not?
I'll give you $100, which will make me half owner, and we'll put it on my balcony.
Screw his balcony.
I'll give you $120, and we'll put it in my garage.
I paid $200 for my share.
Dude, everybody knows a time machine loses half its value the minute you drive it off the lot.
I'll go for $200.
That time machine stays right where it is.
300, and I'll throw in my original 1979 Mattel Millennium Falcon with real light speed sound effects.
No, no more toys or action figures or props or replicas or costumes or robots or Darth Vader.
Voice changers.
I'm getting rid of all of it.
You can't do that.
Look what you've created here.
It's like Nerdvana.
More importantly, you have a Darth Vader voice changer?
Not for long.
Oh, I call dibs on the Golden Age Flash.
Hang on, I need that to complete my Justice Society of America collection.
Too bad, I call dibs.
But you can't just call dibs.
I can.
I did look up dibs on Wikipedia.
Dibs doesn't apply in a bidding war.
It's not a bidding war.
I'm selling it all to Larry down at the comic book store.
Why Larry?
Did Larry call dibs?
Well, you forget dibs.
He offered me a fair price for the whole collection.
What's the number?
I'll match it.
I'll match it.
There's a thousand rupees.
What's the exchange rate?
None of your business.
Take it or leave it.
Mom, I have our mitzvah bonds.
How much do I got?
Thanks.
I can go $2,600 and two trees in Israel.
Forget it, guys.
If I sell to one of you, the other two are going to be really mad at me.
Who cares?
As long as you pick me.
Okay, Leonard, put down the box.
Let's talk.
Sorry, Raj.
My mind is made up.
No.
I can't let you do this.
Sheldon, get out of my way.
None shall pass.
Okay.
I did not want to do this, but I have here the rare mint condition production error.
Star Trek The Next Generation Geordi LaForge without his visor in the original packaging.
If you do not get out of my way, I will open it.
Okay, man.
Be cool.
We're all friends here.
What the hell's going on?
You hypocrite.
What?
Little miss grown-ups don't play with toys.
If I went into that apartment right now, would I not find beanie babies?
Are you not an accumulator of Care Bears and My Little Ponies?
And who is that Japanese feline I see frolicking on your shorts?
Hello, hello, kitty.
Okay, okay, look, if this is about yesterday, Leonard, I am really sorry about what I said.
I was just upset.
No, I needed to hear it.
No, you didn't.
Look, you are a great guy, and it is the things you love that make you who you are.
I guess that makes me large breasts.
Still, I think it's time for me to get rid of this stuff and, you know, move on with my life.
Really?
Yeah.
Oh, wow.
Good for you.
Thanks.
Hey, do you want to... I don't know, later?
Excuse me.
Hey, Penny.
Hi, Mike.
You ready to go?
Yeah, I just have to change.
I'll give you a hand.
Oh, stop it!
Bye, guys.
My turn on the time machine.
Well, ever since I met Penny, I've been envious of her looks.
Aw, thank you.
That's why I was so happy when you cut your hair off.
What?
You know what I mean?
You were still hot, but more like, oh, why'd that hot girl cut off all her hair hot?
But you liked my short hair, right?
Yeah, I loved it.
Love you, love the hair, would love to change the subject.
Seriously?
None of you liked it?
I thought it was brave.
Does that count as liking it?
You know, how come nobody's talking about Howard's dopey haircut?
I think he looks cute.
I think you're cute.
I think you're both cute.
I think I hate all of you nerds.
Six two-inch dowels.
Check.
One package Phillips head screws.
Check.
You guys, seriously, I grew up on a farm, okay?
I rebuilt a tractor engine when I was like 12.
I think I can put together a cheap Swedish media center.
Oh, please, we insist.
It's the least we can do considering.
Considering what?
How great this place looks?
Oh boy, I was afraid of this.
What?
These instructions are a pictographic representation of the least imaginative way to assemble these components.
This right here is why Sweden has no space program.
Well, it looks pretty good in the store.
It is an inefficient design.
For example, Penny has a flat screen TV, which means all the space behind it is wasted.
We could put her stereo back there.
And control it how?
Run an infrared repeater, photocell here, emitter here, easy peasy.
How you gonna cool it?
Hey, guys, I got this.
Hang on, Penny.
How about fans here and here?
Also inefficient and might be loud.
How about liquid cooling?
Maybe a little aquarium pump here.
Run some quarter-inch PVC.
Guys, this is actually really simple.
Hold on, honey.
Men at work.
PVC comes down here.
Maybe a little corrugated sheet metal is a radiator here.
Really?
Show me where we put a drip tray, a sluice, and an overflow reservoir.
Hey, if water's involved, we're gonna have to ground the crap out of the thing.
Guys, it's hot in here.
I think I'll just take off all my clothes.
Oh, I've got it.
What about if we replace pedals A, B, and F and crossbar H with aircraft-grade aluminum?
Right, then the entire thing's one big heat sink.
Perfect.
Leonard, why don't you and Sheldon go down to the junkyard and pick up about six square meters of scrap aluminum?
Raj and I'll run down to my lab and get the oxyacetylene torch.
Meet back here in an hour?
Done.
Got it.
Okay, this place does look pretty good.
Hey, guys, guys, you will really appreciate this.
I read the best science joke on the internet.
Alicia, you won't get it, but it's right up their alley.
Anyway.
So this physicist goes into an ice cream parlor every week and orders an ice cream sundae for himself, and then offers one to the empty stool sitting next to him.
This goes on for a while until the owner finally asks him what he's doing.
The man says well, I'm a physicist and quantum mechanics teaches us that it is possible for the matter above this stool to spontaneously turn into a beautiful woman who might accept my offer and fall in love with me.
The owner then says, well, lots of single beautiful women come in here every day.
Why don't you buy an ice cream for one of them and they might fall in love with you?
And the physicist says, yeah, but what are the odds of that happening?
It's a little insulting, don't you think?
I'm not even sure I get it.
Here you go.
Pad Thai, no peanut.
Does it have peanut oil?
I'm not sure.
Everyone keep an eye on Howard in case he starts to swell up.
Since it's not bee season, you can have my epinephrine.
Are there any chopsticks?
You don't need chopsticks.
This is Thai food.
Here we go.
Thailand has had the fork since the latter half of the 19th century.
Interestingly, they don't actually put the fork in their mouth.
They use it to put the food on a spoon, which then goes into their mouth.
Ask him for a napkin.
I dare you.
I'll get it.
Do I look puffy?
I feel puffy.
Hey, Leonard.
Oh, hi, Penny.
Am I interrupting?
No.
You're not swelling, Howard.
No, no.
Look at my fingers.
They're like Vienna sausages.
Sounds like you have company.
They're not going anywhere.
So you're coming home from work.
That's great.
How was work?
Well, you know, it's a cheesecake factory.
People order cheesecake and I bring it to them.
So you kind of act as like a carbohydrate delivery system.
Yeah.
Call it whatever you want.
I get minimum wage.
Yeah.
Um, anyways, I was wondering if you could help me out with something.
Yes.
Oh.
Okay, great.
I'm having some furniture delivered tomorrow, and I may not be here, so... Oh.
Hello.
I'm sorry?
Haven't you ever been told how beautiful you are in Flawless Russian?
No, I haven't.
Get used to it.
Yeah, I probably won't.
Hey, Sheldon.
Hi.
Hey, Raj.
Still not talking to me, huh?
Don't take it personally.
It's his pathology.
He can't talk to women.
He can't talk to attractive women, or in your case, a cheesecake-scented goddess.
So, there's gonna be some furniture delivered?
Yeah, yeah.
If it gets here and I'm not here tomorrow, could you just sign for it and have them put them in my apartment?
Yeah, no problem.
Great.
Here's my spare key.
Thank you.
Honey, wait.
Um, if you don't have any other plans, do you want to join us for Thai food and a Superman movie marathon?
A marathon?
Wow, how many Superman movies are there?
You're kidding, right?
You know, I do like the one where Lois Lane falls from the helicopter and Superman swooshes down and catches her.
Which one was that?
One.
You realize that scene was rife with scientific inaccuracy.
Yes, I know.
Men can't fly.
No, no, let's assume that they can.
The Lotus Lane is falling, accelerating at an initial rate of 32 feet per second per second.
Superman swoops down to save her by reaching out two arms of steel.
Miss Lane, who is now traveling at approximately 120 miles an hour, hits them and is immediately sliced into three equal pieces.
Unless Superman matches her speed and decelerates.
In what space, sir?
In what space?
She's two feet above the ground.
Frankly, if he really loved her, he'd let her hit the pavement.
It'd be a more merciful death.
Excuse me, your entire argument is predicated on the assumption that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
Are you listening to yourself?
It is well established that Superman's flight is a feat of strength.
It is an extension of his ability to leap tall buildings, an ability he derives from exposure to Earth's yellow sun.
And you don't have a problem with that?
How does he fly at night?
Oh, a combination of the moon's solar reflection and the energy storage capacity of Kryptonian skin cells.
I'm just going to go wash up.
We have 2,600 comic books in there.
I challenge you to find a single reference to Kryptonian skin cells.
Challenge accepted.
We're locked out.
Also, they're pretty good left.
Okay, thanks.
Hang on, hang on.
Do you not realize what we just did?
Yeah, you turned your stereo down with your laptop.
Uh, no, we turned our stereo down by sending a signal around the world via the internet.
You know you can just get one of those universal remotes at Radio Shack?
They're really cheap.
No, you don't get it.
Um, Howard, enable public access.
Public access enabled.
Boy, that's terrific, but I'll see ya.
No, hang on, hang on.
See?
Someone in Sichuan province, China, is using his computer to turn our lights on and off.
Well, that's handy.
Here's a question.
Why?
Because we can.
They found my remote control cars.
Well, wait, wait.
What's on top of them?
Wireless webcams way below.
The monster truck is out of Austin Texas, and the Blue Viper is being operated from suburban Tel Aviv.
You may want to put on slacks.
What?
Ew!
Stop it!
No!
Leave me alone!
Who's running the red Corvette?
That would be me.
Okay, let me guess.
Quesadilla with soy cheese for the lactose intolerant, Leonard.
Thank you.
Shrimp Caesar salad with no almonds.
For the highly allergic kosher, only on the high holidays, Howard.
And for our suddenly back on the Hindu wagon, Raj, meat lovers pizza, no meat.
Coming right up.
Wait, excuse me.
You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger.
Barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
Oh, I didn't tell you.
You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Why?
Well, you have three strikes.
One coming in, two sitting down, and three, I don't like your attitude.
You can't do that.
Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Yeah, I know.
There's a new policy.
No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
Gee, Penny, thanks for buying us dinner.
Yeah, what's the occasion?
Nope, no occasion.
Just felt like getting some Chinese chow from my peeps.
Did you remember to ask for the chicken with broccoli to be diced, not shredded?
Yes.
Even though the menu description specifies shredded?
Yes.
Brown rice, not white?
Yes.
Did you stop at the Korean grocery and get the good hot mustard?
Yes.
Did you pick up the low sodium soy sauce from the market?
Yes.
Good.
You can see how it's done, Leonard.
So, what do we got going on tonight, huh?
Playing Halo, watching Battlestar, drop some Mentos and Diet Coke?
You want to watch Battlestar?
What can I say?
I got my geek on, boys.
Oh, no.
PMS is different.
Thank god you're home.
I need help.
What's wrong?
I just got a call back to audition for csi to play a hooker who gets killed.
Well, i'd watch that, but my car is in the shop and i have to be at universal in 45 minutes.
Okay well, i'll take you.
Oh, you're a lifesaver, i'll run lines with you in the car great, and afterward i'll take you all out for chinese.
Oh actually, that's okay.
We already Chinese food right here.
They're gone, Penny.
They can't hear you.
I'm still tweaking things a little bit, but this will give you the general idea of the website.
So, what do you guys think?
Pretty much any way I say that is going to hurt his feelings.
Okay, what's wrong with it?
What's wrong with it?
Not you.
I wasn't asking you.
Penny?
Uh, well, it's a little juvenile.
I mean, kind of looks like the MySpace page of a 13-year-old girl.
No, it doesn't.
Oh, please.
Dateline could use it to attract predators.
Penny, this is your enterprise, so it's ultimately your decision, but based on the quality of his work, I'd strongly recommend that we let Leonard go.
You want to fire me?
What I want is irrelevant.
This is Penny's decision.
Penny?
Excuse me, but if I did such a bad job, then why do we already have orders?
We do?
Uh-huh.
Look.
Mrs. Fiona Fondell from Huntsville, Alabama has ordered two.
No kidding, Two.
Uh-huh.
Look at the comments.
Thank you, Penny Blossoms.
These will be perfect to cover my bald spots.
That is so sweet.
Camouflaging bald spots is primarily a male concern.
Perhaps we could expand our market.
How are flower barrettes going to appeal to men?
We add Bluetooth.
Brilliant!
Men love Bluetooth.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
You want to make a hair barrette with Bluetooth?
Penny, everything is better with Bluetooth.
Holy crap, someone just ordered a thousand penny blossoms.
Get out!
Who needs a thousand sparkly flower barrettes with rhinestones?
The fifth annual East Rutherford, New Jersey Gay Lesbian, Bisexual and Transgender Alliance, Luau.
Oh, another market to expand into, balding gay men.
And I'll bet lesbians love Bluetooth.
We should get to work.
Wait, wait, wait, why does it say one day rush?
Because when do we offer a one day rush?
Amazon offers one day rush.
Yeah, but they don't have to glue the books together.
How the hell are we going to make a thousand penny blossoms in one day?
Don't yell at me.
I'm not manufacturing.
I'm just web design.
Okay, well, I'm going to have to call them and cancel that order.
Excuse me, but was this not your goal?
Financial independence or entrepreneurial brilliance and innovation?
My brilliance and innovation, of course, but still.
I just don't see how we can pull this off.
Okay, that right there, that equivocation and self-doubt, that is not the American spirit.
Did Davy Crockett quit at the Alamo?
Did Jim Bowie?
They didn't quit.
They were massacred.
By like a gazillion angry Mexicans.
Let me put it this way.
Your gross receipts on this one order will be over $3,000 for one night's work.
You guys get started.
What are you doing?
Going online to buy shoes.
Give me some time to blow.
I'm a deep water sailor, just come from Hong Kong to be way, hey, blow the man down.
If you give me some whiskey, I'll sing you a song.
Give me some time to blow the man down.
Hello?
Hello?
What's going on?
I assume you're referring to the sea shanty.
That's a rhythmic work song designed to increase productivity.
Yeah, it's crazy, but it totally works.
Look, we made this penny blossom in under three minutes.
Terrific, but that kind of raises more questions than it answers.
Penny's making hair accessories.
I'm helping her optimize her manufacturing process.
All right, break's over.
Pay attention to orders.
Now you want to know... Hold on.
What are you using as a bonding agent?
Hot glue.
You're kidding.
Any of the cyanoacrylates would do a better job.
It won't work.
The flour's too porous.
What if we infused the bottom layer with silicone RTV to provide a better mounting surface?
Intriguing.
Good question.
What are your marketing and distribution channels?
Well, they're the waitresses at my work in this cute little shop in Old Town.
Hush, hush, hush, hush.
Virtually non-existent.
I'm thinking that we set her up with a hosted turnkey e-commerce system to start.
Why not eliminate the middleman?
We could install a small server farm with a static IP in her bedroom.
She'll need some kind of industrial cooling system.
Of course, but before we set up a marketing and distribution infrastructure, we should finish optimizing the manufacturing process.
To start with, she has a terrible problem with moisture-induced glitter clump.
I've seen this before.
Where?
It's a common stripper problem.
They dance, they sweat, they clump.
Ew.
Are you thinking about adding a desiccant like calcium sulfate?
Actually, I'm thinking about this one stripper named Vega.
Sure, calcium sulfate could work. out of the box for a moment.
How about a molecular sieve?
Oh.
I've got a spaghetti strainer in the kitchen.
Wow.
Hey, we could liberate some microporous charcoal from the chem lab.
Great.
Raj, why don't you and Howard go get the charcoal?
Leonard, why don't you start working on some preliminary website designs?
I'll make some space in our apartment so we can move the manufacturing process.
Well, what's wrong with my apartment?
It's not my apartment.
Wait, wait, what am I going to do?
Hey, it's your business.
Do whatever you want.
Oh.
Okay, cool.
I'm going to take a nap.
Amy is the one constant I can count on, and now she's changing.
It's just a haircut and some clothes.
No, it's the last straw.
I can't take any more.
Can you believe it?
They finally fixed the elevator.
This is a nightmare.
What's with him?
He won a Nobel Prize and his wife looks amazing.
Oh, yeah.
Got it.
How did you get down here?
The elevator.
It's really fast.
Look, I need to be alone right now.
Don't try to follow me.
All right, you need a ride?
That'd be great, thank you.
Okay, as I put the egg on top and the flame goes out and the air pressure decreases in the flask, what do you think will happen?
I think I know.
It's gonna get sucked in.
It's going to get sucked in.
Okay, I did it now.
Yes!
See, I'm not a scientist like them.
I figured that out.
Potato clock.
Do potato clock.
What's that?
I power a clock with a potato.
I mean, wouldn't that solve the world's energy crisis?
No.
Leonard, could you pick me up a few comics for my nephew's birthday?
Sure.
What is he like?
I don't know.
He's 13.
Just pick out anything.
Just pick out anything?
Or maybe at the same time we can pick out a new suit for him without knowing his size.
Or pick out his career for him without knowing his aptitude.
Or pick out a new breakfast cereal without knowing his fiber requirements.
Or his feelings about little marshmallows.
Spider-Man, get him Spider-Man.
Amazing Spider-Man, Ultimate Spider-Man, Spectacular Spider-Man, The Marvelous Adventures of Spider-Man Spider-Man 2099.
Leonard?
You know this can go on all night.
Why don't you just come with us?
Oh, that's what I was trying to avoid.
Oh, I forgot Sensational Spider-Man.
Aw, what a cute little store.
Everybody's staring at me.
Don't worry, they're more scared of you than you are of them.
Unlikely.
Here, what about this one for my nephew?
A superb choice.
Oh, great.
Yeah, provided he has already read Infinite Crisis and 52 and is familiar with the reestablishment of the DC multiverse.
What's a multiverse?
Get her out of here.
Come on, I'll help you pick something.
That's right, she's with us.
Guys like that are so pathetic.
Tell me about it.
Ooh, look, a new Batman belt buckle.
Who is it?
Your doom.
Don't say your doom.
Who opens the door for their doom?
Good point.
Basket of puppies.
What?
Uh...
Are you Todd Czarnecki?
Yeah.
Who are you?
I'm Sheldor of Azeroth.
I want my things back.
I don't think so.
Let me see that.
Careful, that's a collectible.
I know.
Always wanted one.
He's even more cunning than we thought.
What's the matter?
Something's wrong.
I'm not getting any gas.
Anybody know anything about internal combustion engines?
Of course!
This is eccentric technology.
Does anybody know how to fix an internal combustion engine?
No.
Not a clue.
Well, we better call somebody to come pick us up.
So did you at least get Sheldon's fake stuff back?
No, we failed in our noble quest.
How come?
Tabzarnecki was mean.
All right, hang on.
What are you doing?
Gonna show you how we finish a quest in Nebraska.
Now what?
Give my friend his stuff back.
I don't know what you're talking about.
Well then, good news.
Today's the day a girl's finally gonna touch you in your little special place.
Now give him his stuff back.
Okay.
We did it!
I said we.
This movie baffles me every time we watch it.
What do you mean?
The instructions are very clear.
Don't feed the gremlins after midnight.
Don't get the gremlins wet.
How hard is that?
Hi, guys.
Hi, honey.
Hey.
Oh, we're honey now, are we?
Yes, since their relationship became carnal, Penny has upgraded his designated term of endearment, thus distinguishing him from those she calls sweetie, usually in an attempt to soften a thinly veiled insult.
You're boring people, sweetie.
Although sometimes she omits the veil entirely.
So, what are you guys doing?
Celebrating Columbus Day.
We're watching Goonies, Gremlins, and Young Sherlock Holmes.
They're all written by Chris Columbus.
Okay.
What do you watch on Thanksgiving?
The parade.
Oh, you know, that reminds me.
I usually go back to Nebraska for Thanksgiving, but this year they're calling it off on account of my brother's trial.
What's he on trial for?
Oh, just a big misunderstanding.
You know, you'd actually like my brother.
He's kind of a chemist.
Anyway, I was thinking I'd have Thanksgiving here and you are all invited.
I'll be there.
Will you be serving cranberry jelly or cranberry sauce?
I guess I could serve both.
You guess?
You don't seem to have much of a handle on this.
I really wish I could Penny, but every year my mother has all the relatives over and cooks up her famous terbriscafill.
Terbriscafill?
Turkey stuffed with the brisket stuffed with gefilte fish.
It's not as good as it sounds.
Raj, what about you?
Oh, he usually comes to my house.
Right, pal?
Oh, right.
This year you don't have to eat the terbrisca fill.
I don't even chew it.
I swallow it like pills.
So what's going on with Raj?
Well, the good news is he has no problem with my mother's terbrisca fill.
Not to believe, but go on.
The bad news is he says he's getting deported.
What do you mean he's getting deported?
I believe it means that the US government is going to expel him out of the country.
He could then either return to his native India, immigrate to another country that's willing to accept him, or wander the high seas as a stateless pirate.
Personally, I'd choose pirate.
Penny, would you mind stepping outside so we can speak to him?
But the man really needs to work on his girl issues.
Another reason to consider a life of piracy.
Even today, I understand that's an all-male profession.
Okay, she's gone.
Sorry, I lost my cool.
So, what's going on?
Okay, here's the deal.
Six months ago, my research testing the predicted composition of trans-Neptunian objects ran into a dead end.
So?
So, my visa's only good as long as I'm employed at the university.
And when they find out I've got squat, they're going to cut me off.
By the way, when I say squat, I mean diddly squat.
I wish I had squat.
So, oh wait, what have you been doing for the past six months?
You know, checking email.
Updating my Facebook status.
Messing up Wikipedia entries.
Hey, did you know Netflix lets you stream movies on your computer now?
And you've continued to take the university's money under false pretenses?
Highly unethical for an astrophysicist.
Well, they're practically mandatory for a pirate.
I don't want to go back to India.
It's hot and loud and there's so many people.
You have no idea.
They're everywhere.
Okay, guys, think.
How do we keep Raj in the country?
Why doesn't he just get another job?
What are you asking me for?
I don't know if you can talk now or not.
Okay, I have pach.
Got it.
I have it.
I have it.
I have churr, nechmach, and kreplach.
Hold on a second.
Kreplach?
Yeah.
It's in Klingon.
It's Yiddish for meat filled dumpling.
Well, as it turns out, it's also a Klingon word.
Really?
Define it.
Kreplach, a hearty Klingon dumpling.
Judge's ruling?
Hey, guys, I need to use your TV.
What's wrong with your TV?
I don't know.
It just died.
I'm getting a bunch of static.
Did you pay your cable bill?
You sound just like the cable company.
All right, so Tyra Banks is about to kick someone off America's Next Top Model.
Excuse me, Penny, but we're playing Klingon Boggle.
What do you mean, all?
Like she didn't know we were nerds?
All right, if you must watch them muted with closed captions, please.
Fine.
All right, boggle warriors.
Ka-ba-la-ah.
Look at those women.
They're gorgeous.
Oh, wharf.
Nice.
Too bad that's a proper noun.
Oh, look, there's the future Mrs. Wolowitz.
No, wait.
It's the future Mrs. Wallowitz.
With her head in the lap of, what a coincidence, it's the future Mrs. Wallowitz.
Yeah, and they can all move in with you and your mother.
The current Mrs. Wallowitz.
Is spelled with a or a .
Why is that Mrs. Wallowitz crying?
Oh, that's Aunt Ise.
None of the other girls in the house like her.
House what house?
They all live in a house together.
A house where?
I don't know, somewhere in L.A.?
Wait a minute.
You're telling me that I'm within driving distance of a house filled with aspiring supermodels?
Yeah, I guess.
And they live together and shower together and...
Have naked pillow fights.
Hey, where are you going?
To pay my cable bill.
So, Leonard, will we be seeing you on Saturday for your free birthday cheesecake?
He can't eat cheesecake.
He's lactose intolerant.
Okay, he can have carrot cake.
What about the cream cheese frosting?
He can scrape it off.
Forget about the cake.
How did you know that my birthday is Saturday?
I did your horoscope.
Remember, I was going to do everybody's until Sheldon went on one of his typical psychotic rants.
For the record, that psychotic rant was a concise summation of the research of Bertram Forer, who in 1948 proved conclusively, through meticulously designed experiments, that astrology is nothing but pseudoscientific hokum.
Blah, blah, blah.
Typical Taurus.
So seriously, are we going to see you Saturday?
I don't think so.
Why not?
I don't celebrate my birthday.
Shut up.
Yeah, you do.
It's no big deal.
It's just the way I was raised.
My parents focused on celebrating achievements, and being expelled from a birth canal was not considered one of them.
That's so silly.
It's actually based on very sound theories.
His mother published a paper on it.
Well, what was it called?
I hate my son, and that's why he can't have cake?
It was obviously effective.
Leonard grew up to be an experimental physicist.
Perhaps if she'd also denied him Christmas, he'd be a little better at it.
Thank you.
Well, I love birthdays.
Waking up to mom's special French toast breakfast, wearing the birthday king crown, playing laser tag with all my friends.
Yeah, see?
That's what kids should have.
Actually, that was last year.
So you've really never had a birthday party?
No, but it was okay.
I mean when I was little I'd think maybe my parents would change their mind and surprise me with a party.
Like this one birthday.
I came home from my cello lesson and I saw a lot of strange cars parked out front.
When I got to the door, I could hear people whispering and I could smell German chocolate cake, which is my favorite.
And?
It turns out my grandfather had died.
Oh my God, that's terrible.
It was kind of like a birthday party.
I got to see all my cousins and there was cake.
That's the saddest thing I've ever heard.
You think?
Go ahead, tell her about your senior prom.
Okay, here's the deal.
We are going to throw Leonard a kick-ass surprise party for his birthday on Saturday.
I hardly think so.
Leonard made it very clear he doesn't want a party.
Did someone say party?
He just doesn't know he wants one because he's never had one.
I suppose that's possible, but for the record, I've never had a threesome and yet I still know I won.
Howard, here's the difference.
The possibility exists that Leonard could have a birthday party before hell freezes over.
Fine.
If I do have a threesome, you can't be part of it.
I'm just kidding.
Yes, you can.
Can you bring a friend?
I think a birthday party is a terrible idea.
I envy Leonard for growing up without that anguish.
Anguish?
Year after year, I had to endure wearing conical hats while being forced into the crowded, sweaty hell of bouncy castles.
Not to mention being blindfolded and spun toward a grotesque tailless donkey as the other children mocked my disorientation.
Okay sweetie, I understand you have scars that no non-professional can heal, but nevertheless we are gonna throw Leonard a birthday party.
Have I pointed out that I am extremely uncomfortable with dancing, loud music and most other forms of alcohol-induced frivolity.
Nevertheless, we are gonna- In addition, I really don't think that Leonard- Okay, here's the deal.
You either help me throw Leonard a birthday party, or so, help me God, I will go into your bedroom and unbag all of your most valuable mint-conditioned comic books, and on one of them you won't know which I'll draw a tiny happy face in ink.
You can't do that.
If you make a mark in a mint comic book, it's no longer mint.
Sheldon, do you understand the concept of blackmail?
Well, of course I... Oh.
Yeah, I have an idea.
Let Sir Leonard a kick-ass birthday party.
Something you'd like to share?
A tale of woo, perhaps.
15 years old.
Dennis Kim is 15 years old and he's already correcting my work.
Today I went from being Wolfgang Amadeus Mozart to, you know, that other guy.
Antonio Salieri.
Oh God, now even you're smarter than me.
You know, Shelton, you don't have so many friends that you can afford to start insulting them.
Just eat, Sheldon.
You'll feel better.
Why waste food?
In Texas, when a cow goes dry, they don't keep feeding it.
They just take her out and shoot her between the eyes.
I'm confused.
Did Sheldon stop giving milk?
Can't let this kid get to you.
You always knew that someday someone would come along who was younger and smarter.
Yes, but I assumed I would have been dead hundreds of years.
And that there'd be an asterisk by his name because he'd be a cyborg.
So you got a little competition.
I really don't see what the big deal is.
Well, of course you don't.
You've never excelled at anything.
I don't understand.
Exactly how did he get any friends in the first place?
We liked Leonard.
What are you gonna do, Sheldon?
Just give up?
Yes.
It's what a rational person does when his entire life's work is invalidated by a post-pubescent Asian wunderkind.
He ceases his fruitless efforts, he donates his body to scientific research, and he waits to die.
You know, I'm confused again.
Is he waiting or do we get to shoot him between the eyes?
That's not the secret knock.
This is the secret knock.
What difference does it make?
The whole point of a secret knock is to establish a non-verbal signal to verify the identity of one's co-conspirators.
Is that Raj and Howard?
Possibly, but unverified.
You just let us in.
Luckily for you, this is not a nuclear reactor.
So, what'd you get the birthday boy?
Well, Raj got him an awesome limited edition Dark Knight sculpture based on Alex Ross's definitive Batman, and I got him this amazing autographed copy of the Feynman lectures on physics.
Nice!
I got him a sweater.
Okay, well, he might like that.
I've seen him get chilly.
Sheldon, I didn't see your present.
That's because I didn't bring one.
Why not?
Don't ask.
The entire institution of gift giving makes no sense.
Too late.
Let's say that I go out, and I spend $50 on you.
It's a laborious activity, because I have to imagine what you need, whereas you know what you need.
Now I could simplify things just give you the 50 directly, and then you could give me 50 on my birthday, and so on, until one of us dies, leaving the other one old and 50 richer.
And I ask you, is it worth it?
Told you not to ask.
Well, Sheldon, you're his friend.
Friends give each other presents.
I accept your premise.
I reject your conclusion.
Try telling him it's a non-optional social convention.
What?
Just do it.
It's a non-optional social convention.
Oh, fair enough.
He came with a manual.
Hey, Sheldon, are you and Leonard putting up a Christmas tree?
No, because we don't celebrate the ancient pagan festival of Saturnalia.
Saturnalia?
Gather round, kids.
It's time for Sheldon's beloved Christmas special.
In the pre-Christian era, as the winter solstice approached and the plants died, pagans brought evergreen boughs into their homes as an act of sympathetic magic intended to guard the life essences of the plants until spring.
This custom was later appropriated by Northern Europeans and eventually it becomes the so-called Christmas tree.
And that, Charlie Brown, is what boredom is all about.
Okay well, thank you for that, but I got you and Leonard a few silly neighbor gifts, so I'll just put them under my tree.
Wait.
You bought me a present?
Uh-huh.
Why would you do such a thing?
I don't know, because it's Christmas?
Oh, Penny, I know you think you're being generous, but the foundation of gift-giving is reciprocity.
You haven't given me a gift.
You've given me an obligation.
Don't feel bad, Penny.
It's a classic rookie mistake.
My first Hanukkah with Sheldon, he yelled at me for eight nights.
Honey, it's okay.
You don't have to give me anything in return.
Of course I do.
The essence of the custom is that I now have to go out and purchase for you a gift of commensurate value and representing the same perceived level of friendship as that represented by the gift you've given me.
It's no wonder suicide rates skyrocket this time of year.
You know what?
Forget it.
I'm not giving you a present.
No, he's too late.
I see it.
That elf sticker says to Sheldon.
The die has been cast.
The moving finger has writ.
Hannibal has crossed the Alps.
I know it's funny when it's not happening to us.
Sheldon, I am very, very sorry.
No, no.
I brought this on myself by being such an endearing and important part of your life.
I'm going to need a ride to the mall.
It's happening to us.
All right, that's the last servo.
Behold, the mobile omnidirectional neutralization and termination eradicator.
Or Monty, featuring one articulated razor-sharp killing saw, one polycarbonate grinding and flipping wheel, steel armor plate, exoskeleton top and bottom and enough horsepower to drive 110 pounds of mechanized death from zero to holy crap in 48 seconds.
Is it wrong to say I love our killer robot?
As with my father, I both love and fear it.
All right, enough chit-chat.
Let's destroy something.
One, two, three!
Okay, what should be first to taste the wrath of Monty?
Maybe we should start small.
Okay.
Oh, perhaps today is the day we finally find out what's inside the magic eight ball.
I did it when I was four.
It's an icosahedral dye floating in tinted blue water.
Man, call spoiler alert before you say things like that.
How about the toaster oven?
What did the toaster oven ever do to you?
What did I ever do to Jimmy Mullins in the third grade?
He still punched me in the face with my own fists.
Sorry, you little nerd.
You were just in the wrong boy's room at the wrong time.
Gentlemen, goggles.
This is an auspicious moment.
Like Robert Oppenheimer or Neil Armstrong, we need the appropriate words to mark this historic scientific event.
How about dye, toaster, dye?
That'll do it.
All right, what's next?
No, I think I'm just gonna stay in tonight and do laundry.
