That's a stupid idea.
No, what's stupid is a physicist who doesn't understand when you swing an axe, you don't let go.
For the tenth time, my mittens were slippery.
It's 70 degrees.
You didn't need mittens.
You know how easily I blister.
Yes, yes, you bruise, you peel.
It's like I'm married to an old piece of fruit.
Look, we could keep fighting and let it ruin our night, or we can stop and try to salvage the evening.
Fine.
Thank you.
Leonard.
Yeah.
There's something on the windshield.
Leonard?
Yeah?
There's a tree on you.
Consider this unlikely but very plausible scenario.
A young woman alone in the big city.
Her ridiculous dream of becoming an actress lies shattered about her.
Hey, wait a minute.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
Then it hits her.
How is she going to survive?
But she has no prospects, no marketable skills.
And then one day, she meets a group of geniuses and their friend Howard.
Hang on, let's see where he's going.
She befriends them and then lies in wait until they reveal a marketable idea, which she steals and sells to the highest bidder.
That is ridiculous.
Oh, is it?
Let's see you come up with an explanation as to why this woman hangs out with us all the time.
Okay, you know what?
I've already mooched dinner off you guys.
I don't need to listen to this.
I don't think there's anything in this jewelry store that Amy would appreciate more than the humidifier we were just looking at at Sears.
Oh my God, now I know what I sound like to you when I say stupid stuff.
Oh, a pocket watch.
Okay, I don't think Amy wants a pocket watch.
No, but maybe she wants a man with a pocket watch.
Still saying stupid stuff.
Where's your heart rate monitor?
I don't have one.
What about your pedometer?
Don't have one.
Do you have telematics in your shoes connected to an iPod?
Uh, no.
What do you do?
You just go out there and gamble about like a bunny?
No, I just run till I'm hungry and then I stop for a bear claw.
As the kids are saying today, talk to the hand.
They're not saying that.
They are in 2003.
No, no, they're really not.
I'll ask you guys if you want dessert, but I know Sheldon doesn't eat dessert on Tuesdays and even if Raj wanted something, he couldn't tell me.
Howard won't order anything, but he will come up with some sort of skeevy comment involving the words pie or cheesecake.
And Leonard's lactose intolerant, so he can't eat anything here without his intestines blowing up like a balloon animal.
Can I sleep on your couch tonight?
Uh, well, you can try, but the people across the hall are being very noisy.
Heard that, huh?
Apparently, the one fella tried to adjust the thermostat, then the other fella went bat crap crazy.
So you agree he's nuts?
Well, not as nuts as the guy who chooses to live with him.
Believe it or not, he was worse when I met him.
Oh, I do not believe that.
I've read that there are great yogis who have such mastery over their bodies they can draw water in through their genitals.
Yeah, well, I don't think we're gonna get to do that today.
Too bad.
Seems like a good way to drink a milkshake without getting brain freeze.
Is that the Fourier transform extends to minus infinity in time.
Hey, don't dumb this down for me.
Penny, I'm late for that thing.
See ya.
Letter?
Oh, Sheldon.
Didn't see you there.
What's up?
Well, he was excited to talk science with Amy, but she was working late, so he decided to come over and share it with me.
With me, Leonard.
With me.
Sheldon, we've talked about this.
You can't go around boring other people's wives.
Yeah.
I already got a man for that.
Yeah, you do.
Yeah.
Hey, guys, guys.
Some of the other waitresses wanted me to ask you something.
It's called trestling.
It combines the physical strength of arm wrestling with the mental agility of Tetris into the ultimate sport.
Yeah, that's terrific, but what they wanted me to ask you is to cut it the hell out.
I'm sorry.
Listen, could you do me a favor and not tell Bernadette how badly I blew this interview?
She'll get upset, and honestly, I'm a little terrified of her.
You're scared of Bernadette.
Yeah, kind of.
I thought it was just me.
Everyone thinks she's so nice with a squeaky little voice.
I know, but she's kind of a bully.
Well, she is.
I didn't even want to meet you, but I was too scared to say no to her.
Me too.
One time I had to tell her we were cutting the research funding for one of the drugs she was developing.
What happened?
I couldn't do it.
She's still working on it.
Oh, we're not going to tell her about this, right?
Oh, my God, no.
Why don't you go to bed?
I'll run out and get you some medicine.
It's okay.
Stuart gave me some when I was at the comic book store.
Really?
You're taking medicine from Stuart?
Doesn't he need, like, all of it?
Gentlemen, Star Wars Day is rapidly approaching.
We should finalize our plans.
What, that's a real thing?
What is it, Star Wars Christmas?
No, don't be ridiculous.
That's Wookiee Life Day.
So when is it?
Well, it's not May the 5th, and it's not May the 3rd.
It's May the 4th.
Get it?
May the fourth be with you.
May the fourth be with you.
Get it?
Oh, no, this face wasn't because I didn't get it.
It was a guy I liked, and I never told him how I felt.
Eventually, he started going out with someone else, and I always regretted it.
Do you see where I'm going with this?
I believe I do.
I'm the guy.
You're not the guy.
Are you sure?
I would explain so much.
Your constant presence in my apartment, that baffling dalliance with Leonard, just to be near me, the way you call me sweetie, all the time.
I call everyone sweetie.
You tramp.
Look, Sheldon, all I'm saying is strap on a pair and go talk to Amy.
Strap on a pair?
What, skates?
Oh, sweetie, you are so not the guy.
Um, you're Lucy, right?
I'm a friend of Raj Kootharpali's.
Actually, Amy recognized you.
Wow.
How's he doing?
Oh, you know, he's good.
Great.
Yeah, this is none of my business, but why did you break up with him in an email?
Oh, I don't know.
I guess I thought it would be easier.
Yeah, I get that.
I'll go get you your water.
When you say easier, you mean easier for you, right?
Because it certainly didn't make it easier for him.
Any chance I can get a different waitress?
I'm sorry.
This is rude of me.
I will get you that water.
See?
See?
See?
See?
Just now, you expressed your feelings to my face.
How come you could do that with me, but not with Raj?
I don't know your email.
You know what the worst part is?
You're sitting here perfectly happy, and he's at home a blubbering mess.
I thought you said he was okay.
Well, I also said I was getting you water, but look at me, still standing here.
You know, I may be a bad waitress, but you are a bad person.
Now, you want to hear the specials?
How about you two?
Look, I got some extra tat sleeves.
Why are you carrying extras?
In case I snag one on someone's nipple ring.
Uh, yeah, I think we'll pass.
Oh.
Is the missus speaking for the couple now?
In this case, you bet she is.
Yes, she's pushy, and yes, he's whipped, but that's not the expression.
Come on, wanna stop at Walgreens and pick up some more eyeliner.
They're gonna get beaten up at that club.
They're gonna get beaten up at Walgreens.
Excuse me.
You forgot my barbecue bacon cheeseburger.
Barbecue sauce, bacon, and cheese on the side.
Oh, I didn't tell you?
You're banished from the Cheesecake Factory.
Why?
Well, you have three strikes.
One coming in, two sitting down, and three, I don't like your attitude.
You can't do that.
Not only is it a violation of California state law, it flies directly in the face of Cheesecake Factory policy.
Yeah, no, there's a new policy.
No shoes, no shirt, no Sheldon.
I bet we could sell that sign all over Pasadena.
It's for the Nobel Laureates.
We need them on our side, but unfortunately Sheldon No, unfortunately Sheldon, that's all you gotta say.
Well, so you need these people's support and you're sending them baked goods?
Yeah, they're pretty smart.
Don't you think they're gonna realize it's just a bribe?
I could think, but sometimes brilliant people can be painfully oblivious to social cues.
Thank you for pointing that out, Sheldon.
Anytime.
I was going to get my mail.
OK.
Are you hoping to get it telepathically?
I think you mean telekinetically.
And no.
I just wasn't sure of the proper protocol now that you and Leonard are no longer having coitus.
Oh, God, can we please just say no longer seeing each other?
Well, we could if it were true.
But as you live in the same building, you see each other all the time.
The variable which has changed is the coitus.
Okay, here's the protocol.
You and I are still friends, and you stop saying coitus.
Good.
I'm glad we're still friends.
Really?
Oh, yes.
It was a lot of work to accommodate you in my life.
I'd hate for that effort to have been in vain.
Right.
Just to be clear, do I have to stop saying coitus with everyone or just you?
Everyone.
I need to prepare her now to save her from pain down the road.
Down the road?
Sheldon.
She wanted to share a toothbrush holder with you, and now you're at an ice cream parlor trying to pick up women.
Well, anything could sound silly when you put it in that tone.
Honey, instead of worrying about pain you may cause in the future, how about trying to fix the pain you're causing her right now?
I'm sure you're right.
And I suppose I should apologize to you as well.
Okay.
That must have hurt, watching me look for other women without ever even considering you.
Please understand that I think of you as more of a nanny.
Just finish your ice cream so I can get you home to bed.
This came in the mail, and I want you to have it.
50 cents off of Vagisil.
Think of me when you apply it.
Can I just say, I've missed all of us hanging out together.
Yeah.
Me too.
Since when can Kooth or Polly talk in front of the girls without a beer?
Oh, that happened right after you left.
And no one told me?
Can't believe we forgot to tell him.
Think of Sheldon when you apply it.
Do you remember that?
Yeah.
Me too.
Good times.
16 wants to order appetizers.
Oh, thanks.
This was nice.
What the hell are you doing?
Howard is your best friend and that is his girlfriend.
You should be ashamed of yourself.
I was when I came in, but it's amazing what liquor does to guilt.
Besides, what you might not know is Bernadette is planning on breaking up with Howard.
Well, I know that.
How do you know that?
My sister told me.
Oh, that gossipy bitch.
No offense.
None taken.
You should hear how she talks about you.
In the spirit of bachelorette parties, I made cookies in the shape of male genitals.
You really didn't have to... Whoa!
That is anatomic.
Thank you.
The veins are gummy worms.
Jewish and Gentile.
I had extra dough.
Oh, that's Leonard.
He said they're about to cross the border.
I hope the boys don't get too crazy in Mexico.
Oh, yeah, right.
Lock up your daughters or Sheldon might lecture them about the North American Free Trade Agreement.
Boy, that was a long night for me.
All right, let us begin.
Where's your notebook?
Um, I don't have one.
Well, how are you going to take notes without a notebook?
I have to take notes?
Well, how else are you gonna study for the tests?
Is there gonna be a test?
Tests.
Here.
That's college ruled.
I hope that's not too intimidating.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
Now, introduction to physics.
What is physics?
Physics comes from the ancient Greek word physica.
It's at this point that you'll want to start taking notes.
Physica means the science of natural things, and it is there, in ancient Greece, that our story begins.
Ancient Greece?
Hush, if you have questions, raise your hand.
It's a warm summer evening, circa 600 B.C.
You've finished your shopping at the local market, or agora.
And you look up at the night sky, and there, you notice some of the stars seem to move.
So you name them planetes, or wanderer.
Yes, Penny?
Um, does this have anything to do with Leonard's work?
This is the beginning of a 2600 year journey we're going to take together from...
The ancient Greeks through Isaac Newton, to Niels Bohr, to Erwin Schrödinger, to the Dutch researchers that Leonard is currently ripping off.
2,600 years?
Give or take.
As I was saying, it's a warm summer evening in ancient Greece.
Yes, Penny?
I have to go to the bathroom.
Can't you hold it?
Not for 2,600 years.
Having a little trouble catching your breath there?
No, no, I'm good.
If my PE teachers had told me this is what I was training for, I would have tried a lot harder.
Do or do not, there is no try.
Did you just quote Star Wars?
I believe I quoted Empire Strikes Back.
Oh my God.
I'm lying in bed with a beautiful woman who can quote Yoda.
I love you, Penny.
Thank you.
You're welcome.
I just want to put that out there.
Oh, yeah.
No.
I'm glad.
Oh, good.
Glad is good.
Yeah.
No.
Um.
So.
It's getting pretty late.
We should probably go to sleep.
Yeah.
Okay.
Probably.
Okay.
Good night, sweetie.
Good night.
Wait, it's not all pants.
There's one shirt.
Hey, that's my shirt.
This one is, too.
No, no, that's not mine.
That has a big spot on it.
Wait, so does this one.
Maybe the spot's the clue.
Sheldon's spot.
The koi's in your spot!
Oh, that's clever.
Be there in a minute.
I just have to pre-soak these.
Where the hell's the coin?
Wasn't the answer shell and spot?
Oh, yes, Leonard.
Yes, it was.
Where's the coin?
Yes, exactly.
Where is the coin?
Why don't you look in your pockets?
I slipped them in there earlier today.
I don't get it.
Don't you see?
When we're all having fun together, we're already winners.
Oh, look.
See?
Even I'm a winner.
Are you kidding me?
That is the stupidest thing I've ever heard.
You suck.
So hot.
Oh.
Hello.
Time to do your laundry, huh?
It's Saturday night.
Saturday is laundry night.
I know.
Every Saturday at 8.15.
Easy to anticipate.
What are you implying?
I'm implying that you're a creature of habit.
And if something were to prevent you from doing your laundry on Saturday at 815, you might find it unpleasant.
Knuckle under my ass.
Oh, no.
Are all the machines taken?
What are you gonna do?
No problem.
I'll just do my laundry another night.
Another night?
Well, I guess you can try, but deep inside your heart you'll know that laundry night is always Saturday night.
Woman, you are playing with forces beyond your ken.
Yeah, well, your Ken can kiss my Barbie.
