Today we're going to be talking about parental fatigue, parental burnout, parental exhaustion.
This is common. This does not make you a bad parent.
This does not mean you don't love your kids and you're not grateful.
Parenting feels exhausting because parenting is exhausting, not because you're doing something wrong or because anything is wrong with you.
And at the same time, I feel hopeful.
Not that I can make you feel like an energizer bunny.
I have not figured out how to do that for myself.
But I do think there are themes and foundations and tactics and strategies that are all manageable and that will resonate deeply with each of us that can change our framework for how we think about parenting.
And we can translate that change framework into some actions.
And those new manageable actions can actually lead to more moments where we say, wait a second, I think I'm an eight out of 10 exhausted instead of a 10 out of 10.
Wait a second, I think I'm at a five out of 10.
And holy moly, is this a unicorn moment that everyone said where I actually don't feel exhausted at all for, I don't know, a minute or two?
I actually think we can get there.
And I think we're going to make some progress today.
And so stay with me.
We're going to cover some of your questions.
We're going to normalize this feeling, come up with manageable, actionable steps.
And you're going to end today with some relief.
You're going to feel seen.
And also with a tool or two that you can use.
to make things just a little easier.
I'm Dr. Becky, and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
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When our kids approach their teenage years, we want them to feel more independent.
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All right, let's get into your questions starting with this.
Dr. Becky, I'm feeling completely exhausted as a parent.
Is this normal? Am I doing something wrong?
All right, you are not doing anything wrong.
and I want to zoom out on that because I actually think it's profound how many times in our lives we're struggling and then we have the unconscious assumption that we're doing something wrong or that something is wrong with us.
Why is this? I often think, were we born with that?
Like, I just don't think we were.
There's a baby who's saying, oh, wait, I did eat a couple hours ago and I woke my parents up and I'm hungry again.
Oh, is something wrong with me?
Am I doing something wrong?
I just feel like no baby thought that.
You know what babies do when they're hungry again even though we just went back to sleep as a parent?
They scream for us.
They have just full permission to feel their feelings, to never believe any of them are wrong, to actually take up space in the world.
So how do we get from a place where we are to some degree comfortable Waking up the adults around us every few hours to a place where we are now.
Where it's almost like we're questioning.
Am I exhausted? Am I wrong to be exhausted?
Are other parents this exhausted?
Is this a sign I'm not cut out to be a parent?
Does this mean I don't love my kid?
Am I doing something wrong?
And I'll tell you how I think we get from there to here.
I think for most of us when we were younger and we were really struggling.
it was very rare to have compassion and validation as the first response for example you had to get up early to go to school I'm so tired I don't know if most of us would say that was met with oh I know you have to get up so early that stinks now any good inside parent knows after that I would still
definitely make my kids go to school it's not because they're tired that they get to miss school.
But the leading with that validation and compassion is so important.
I also don't think a lot of us, when we are really having a hard time somewhere, oh, I'm feeling burnt out at soccer.
I'm feeling burnt out at school, whatever it is.
Again, I don't know if what we were used to is someone saying, oh, you know what?
Schoolwork feels exhausting because it is exhausting.
You know what? This intense soccer team you're on feels hard because it is hard.
You know what? Starting high school, starting college, starting a new job feels anxiety producing because it is anxiety producing.
I don't think that's what a lot of us were used to.
What did we often get?
You're making a big deal out of nothing.
Come on, pull up your bootstraps.
Oh, you're crying? I'll give you something to cry about.
We were used to something harsh.
We were used to feeling judged.
We were used to invalidation.
And so what did we learn to do in our bodies?
Wire struggle, feeling exhausted, feeling burnt out next to the response we were used to?
Invalidation, self -blame, criticism.
If you're thinking, oh my goodness, Is that why I'm like always harsh on myself?
Not just about parenting being exhausting, but about everything.
Like if I forget to, I don't know, pack my kid's favorite snack, part of me says, oh, I can't be responsible for anything.
If someone's upset with me, I always blame myself.
I don't even question whether I actually felt good about my response and that's separate from someone else's reaction.
Is that why? Yeah, probably.
I mean, I'm laughing.
because it's probably more nuanced than that, but sometimes I think it's not that much more nuanced than that because this is actually very nuanced.
How we talk to ourselves comes from how other people talk to us.
This is one of the reasons I do care so much about parenting.
A parent's voice becomes a child's self -talk.
A child's self -talk becomes an adult self -talk.
and that's often at the core of a lot of our self -blame spirals.
Parenting feels exhausting because parenting is exhausting.
That's just validation.
It's actually something we can say in so many areas that I'd love for you to try on.
Huh, balancing working at my office with managing my kid's carpool schedule feels hard because it is hard oh look at that being on this committee at school and managing all of my kids after school stuff and the groceries and the logistics that feels difficult because it is difficult blank feels hard
because it is hard blank feels exhausting because it is exhausting please fill in the blank or something that's relevant in your life something i promise you is that compassion is not dangerous i mean that i think so many of us stay away from it like it's toxic compassion validation they probably feel
awkward and uncomfortable because they're new anything that's new anything that's cycle breaking will feel awkward and uncomfortable because your body's reaction is what?
I don't have such a kind of receptacle for this.
This is kind of the first drop in a bucket.
So it's going to sound loud because it's different.
You drop something into a bucket that's had a million gallons of water.
It's going to feel natural and normal.
Dr. Becky, I'm feeling completely exhausted as a parent.
Is this normal or am I doing something wrong i'm guessing if you're listening you have that question sometimes too so hear my answer it's normal you're not doing anything wrong try on a little validation and compassion i promise you over time it'll feel more natural and it will be really really helpful
and healing here's the next question dr becky is there any way that i can get ahead of getting burnt out i feel like i'm always in recovery mode is there any way to not get burnt out instead of always recovering from being burnt out and my question is truly is it even possible or is recovery the best
it gets i love this question i do think it's possible now now now watch what we do oh it's possible so i'm just bad at it no you're not bad at it i want to know what you would tell your friend who is performing surgery and feels not great at surgery but you learn she never went to med school.
Would you tell her, oh yeah, you're just bad at surgery?
Or would you say, wait, wait a second.
Someone put you in the position of surgeon without helping you figure out that you should go to med school first?
No one taught you. No one taught you the things you're expected to do.
Oh my goodness. First of all, you're so brave for even doing that.
And I feel like we can get you more resources and support.
How to not get burnt out as a parent.
That is not a set of skills any of us were gifted.
That is not a high school course any of us took.
That is not something you can find on the street.
Oh my goodness, how to not get burnt out when you're a parent.
I'm so glad I found this.
I'm gonna pick that up.
That has never happened.
This is something we learn.
There are skills, but not having them doesn't mean it's your fault.
And this is also a good zoom out moment.
When you don't have something that you need, oh, no one ever taught me that.
I don't have that. This is a struggle.
I want you to notice, do I go into self -blame mode again?
Oh, something's wrong with me.
Or do I go into anger mode?
And I'm just going to say it.
I would love us all to try on anger.
And we misunderstand anger.
Oh, you want me to go rage at people, Dr.
Becky? I do not. That is rage.
That is a dysregulated behavioral expression of the very healthy emotion that is anger Anger is the feeling we have That puts us in touch with what we needed and never got It's a feeling we have to say hey, I needed that and I didn't get it.
That is such a healthy emotion We can't even have self -concept and self -worth and self -confidence if we don't allow ourselves to feel anger Because anger is a way of saying, I am someone who's worthy and valuable enough to want and need things and to have feelings when that doesn't happen.
So I think as a group, can you imagine if instead of all feeling guilty and blaming ourselves for not knowing how to avoid burnout, we felt angry?
Like, whoa, whoa, whoa.
People let me become a parent without learning how to take care of myself.
Like, we don't even let people become drivers of a car without knowing how to be safe on the road.
that's messed up that is messed up in this world and I promise you that anger healthy anger is justified and as a framework I'd ask you to try on as we go through a few things that can help avoid burnout okay number one taking care of self whose self you not you as a caregiver that's one part of you
it's a very important part and it is one part you there is so much of you that has nothing to do with being a caregiver to your child and I know that because you were you for many many years before your child existed and there were things that mattered to you there were things that lit you up inside
there were relationships you had there were things you did there were interests there were values there were actions there were habits that really mattered and when we're burnt out sometimes I feel like it's all those other parts of us that are just screaming for our attention hey remember dancing used
to go to dance classes hey remember your friends used to talk to them on the phone.
Now look, again, oh, well, I don't have time for that.
And again, going to dance classes, talking to your friends, is that going to be the same when you're raising kids as when you weren't?
Of course, it's not the same.
But if our bodies went from driving at 60 to crashing and getting zero, we'd feel that.
We feel that when we're burnt out.
All the parts of us that really matter.
They don't get moderated.
Sometimes it feels like they go to zero.
And that is such a common thing when we feel burnt out.
We're burnt out of caregiving.
That's what we say.
I'm burnt out of parenting.
Really, we're just missing the parts of us that give us purpose and value outside of the caregiving role.
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Second thing, I want to talk about reactive mode and preparation mode.
This is something I hear from parents all the time.
I just don't have time.
All the stuff I know, self -care, I don't have time.
Right? We are just so accustomed to the time we spend feeling burnt out and therefore reactive and often rageful because when we get burnt out, we just get really frayed and very small things can set us off in every relationship because we're burnt out, right?
We get so accustomed to the time we spend being reactive, feeling guilty at night, not being able to sleep well, right?
The exhaustion in there, where it's just a different mindset to think, I do have time for an eight -minute phone call with a friend.
I can rearrange my schedule to go to one dance class, even just this month, and to make it my priority.
I am someone who solves my kid's schedules and carpools and coverage.
I do that for my kid all the time.
This month, I'm gonna say there's nothing that matters more than doing it for myself once and when we say I don't have time what I would challenge us to say is I think it's just about how I'm spending my time when we spend our time in a way we're used to we don't tend to mark it as time because it's
natural when we spend our time in a way we're not used to it feels like oh it's so much time but I think it's our body's way of saying you're just doing something new so it feels a little different the irony is if we want to change a pattern, something new is our signal that we're actually doing that.
We just have to tolerate the discomfort along the way.
What can you do here?
First, you can just be honest with friends or family about feeling burnt out.
There's something about saying to the other parent at drop -off, oh how are you?
Really? Feeling a little burnt out right now.
It takes the shame away and the chances are the person you're talking to actually really needs permission to say that too.
So just be honest. That's one way of taking care of yourself.
I think another way is just saying all the different situations with my kids that really drive me up the wall and lead me to feeling burnt out.
Do I feel like I have clarity in what's really going on there?
We can't always fix a problem right away, but what we can do is get clarity.
All right, kind of again, when we think about doctors, imagine if they didn't have clarity on the actual problem in the operating room.
Think about how many surgeries they'd be doing.
Okay, it's here. No, it's here.
No, it's here. Oh, I can't believe I was in surgery for eight hours.
When really in that situation, you might say, well, what was the core issue?
Like, what was the actual thing?
Maybe it would have taken a little bit of upfront time to gain that clarity and identify the issue.
But then we're not playing whack -a -mole after.
We're not putting on band -aids everywhere.
We're not going in and doing a million things because we have clarity on what's really going on.
I have always found that clarity is my antidote to burnout.
Okay, I feel burned out with my kid.
They're doing all these.
Okay, wait, what's the real thing?
What's really going on?
What is kind of the core issue and what are secondary ones that I can put to the side?
Now all of a sudden I've kind of much less to focus on and I don't feel as burnt out.
The last thing I want to say, the third thing about kind of getting ahead of burnout is really, really thinking about the way we talk to ourselves about our hard moments.
You know, I think about a friend I was talking to recently who was telling me about this really, really public meltdown her kid had at a birthday party and she didn't like how she intervened.
So it was the meltdown and her feeling embarrassed about how she intervened.
It was the whole thing.
And she was saying to me, you know, a couple of days later, I just still feel so burnt out.
I feel so exhausted by what happened at the birthday party.
And what I said to her is I hear you.
And I wonder if you're not so much burned out from that meltdown, but you're burnt out about how much you're beating yourself up about the meltdown.
Like, it's almost like you keep reliving it.
That will definitely burn us out.
Oh, what am I doing?
And my kid is the worst, and I don't know how to handle things, and I can't believe that I embarrassed myself, and everyone's probably talking to me about it.
The meltdown, I mean, I went through with her, probably lasted, I don't know, probably felt like hours, don't get me wrong, but I think it was a couple minutes.
But the way she relived it and retold herself the story so harshly, that was days.
So I'd ask you to kind of reflect on that.
Is there something that was for sure exhausting and less than ideal?
Yes, yes, yes. And am I reliving it?
Am I prolonging it?
Am I almost digging myself in an even deeper hole just around the really harsh stories I'm telling myself about it.
All right, the next thing, and this again is so poignant, I want to thank you for these really thoughtful, honest questions.
When you write them into the podcast, please know you're changing the narrative because I can share them here.
And so many parents, I think even more than my answers, feel comforted by hearing your questions because they've had the same questions themselves.
i feel like i've stopped enjoying my kids does that come back enjoying them or even having fun with them so often i think this is actually the core thing we struggle with with our kids you know one of the really interesting things to me is in good inside membership we have a lot of different doors for people
to enter right what's one door deeply feeling kids another door tantrums another door listening issues another door rudeness another door sleep issues anxiety right it's whatever the problem that is biggest in our home that's unfortunately often when we wait to get help right I used to always tell my
clients you know oh us therapists we can be best not when there's 10 out of 10 crisis but once things have calmed down a little that's when we make progress but most of us I get it we kind of wait till something's a 10 out of 10 and that's a door that people come through and you might say that's nuts
like you're helping people at least at first with all these different things but i think we're always helping people with the exact same thing i think in all of those moments as much as they seem so different on the surface we're actually struggling with the same core thing we've stopped liking our
kid we still love our kid but we've kind of stopped liking them we stopped enjoying them we've definitely stopped enjoying any part of parenting, and that's the part when I think about the word exhausting, I think that's the thing that really is always true when we're exhausted and frustrated.
We just stop liking all of it.
So let's do something together to end with.
one I want you to think about a moment with your kid that brings a smile to your face that's it it might be a moment from today a week ago five years ago it doesn't have to be huge right it could be I don't know I just kind of picture my kid drawing and there was something that you know made me smile
it could be something really funny or even almost inappropriate that your kid says that, again, just makes you chuckle a little bit or smile.
So think about that right now.
What I want you to just tell yourself is, I'm remembering that I have a good kid.
None of this negates the hard stage you might be in.
Two things can be true.
You can be in a hard stage and you can remember that you have a good kid.
Okay, the second thing.
I want you to try on this idea.
It's an idea I happen to think is true, but I would never ask you to take in something as true unless it felt true to you.
So just try it on and you'll see if you want to keep it on.
It's not my kid's behavior change that will lead to more enjoyment.
It's my mindset change.
Oof, I'm sorry. It's so heavy.
I know, but you all know me.
I don't like to stay shallow.
I like the heavy, deep, heart resonant stuff.
What do I mean by this?
My kid's in a rudeness stage.
They're in a hitting stage.
And I know it's so tempting.
I think about it too all the time.
If my kid's behavior just changed, if my kid's behavior just improved, everything would be easier.
Then I would join my kid.
Dr. Becky, you're telling me people enjoy kids who are whining all the time.
people like that, okay, no, nobody likes whining, nobody likes hitting, nobody likes being woken up at 2 a .m., I've experienced all those things, I never liked them, but I can promise you that every single time things got better with my kid, I stopped telling myself that I had to change my kid's behavior to
get there, and I changed my framework, my understanding, my sense of what my role was in the situation and how I saw my child in this hard stage.
And then the last thing, and this probably should have been the first thing, but my order is off.
I wonder where you can find fun for yourself.
That's right. I feel like I've stopped enjoying my kids.
Does that come back enjoying them, having fun?
I just wonder if there's another area of your life outside your kid that you could almost prime yourself with fun.
Right? Almost like, ooh, if I'm really not enjoying anything about my kids or having fun, maybe I'm just not having a ton of fun in my life in general.
Can I find fun elsewhere?
And can that shift kind of the energy I even bring into my house and my mindset and my framework?
Can I kind of back into fun with my kids by priming it in another area of my life?
What would be fun to you?
I think that's a question.
Ask yourself, what would be fun to me?
And if you're like most people, say, I don't know anymore.
That's okay. Too often we say, I don't know what would be fun, and then we just don't try anything.
That would be like being starving at a restaurant and saying, I don't know what to order, but then like ordering nothing.
Okay, you don't know what to order.
You are hungry. Order something.
Maybe you don't like it, and then the next time you're at that restaurant, you'll try something different.
You're in need of fun.
What would be fun you don't know?
Okay, no big deal. Try something on.
Watch a funny show.
Dance. Play a board game with a friend your fun is in there it might be dormant but it's not dead parental burnout is very common and while nobody asked me about repair related to this topic I just want to get it in here at the end because if you're feeling burned out that means you're reactive that means
you're likely yelling saying things you wish you could take back and I promise none of that means you're a monster sometimes the best way to get out of a burnout cycle is by telling yourself I'm gonna crush repair I like how Adam Grant has told me he calls this the second score the first interaction with someone
you're like oh my score wasn't great not so proud of how I showed up there.
Ooh, I'm going to crush my second score.
I'm going to crush it.
I'm going to give the best repair ever.
Right? I'm going to say to my kids, ooh, I yelled at you earlier.
I'm sorry and it's not your fault when I yell.
I'm working on managing my emotions.
So even when I'm frustrated, I'm more able to stay calm.
Sometimes that's the thing that gets us out of burnout because again instead of reliving the episode over and over and telling ourselves a story over and over of how awful we are we do something that I talked about at the top of this episode something completely cycle breaking and revolutionary and new
and as a result that will feel uncomfortable you give yourself compassion and validation and relief and hope Remember, you've got this.
very important job you hold.
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One last thing before I let you go.
Let's end by placing our hands on our hearts and reminding ourselves, even as I struggle, and even as I have a hard time on the outside, I remain good inside.
Today's episode is in partnership with Life360 and Lollies.
