Come on, Joey.
Rach, I told you everything I knew last night.
Look, it's not that big a deal.
So Monica and Chandler are doing it.
I cannot believe you would say that.
Oh, sorry.
Monica and Chandler are making love.
No, I mean, come on.
This is a huge deal.
Come on, I need more details.
Like, who initiated the first kiss?
I don't know.
Is he romantic with her?
I don't know.
Are they in love?
I don't know.
You don't know anything?
Oh, I know one thing.
What?
They did it right there on the couches.
This cake is amazing.
Oh, my God.
Get a room.
I would get a room with this cake.
I think I could show this cake a good time.
If you had to, what would you give up, food or sex?
Sex.
Seriously, answer faster.
I'm sorry, honey.
When she said sex, I wasn't thinking about sex with you.
It's like a giant hug.
Ross, how about you?
Which would you give up, sex or food?
Food.
Okay, how about sex or dinosaurs?
Oh, my God.
It's like Sophie's Choice.
Oh, God.
What about you, Joe?
What would you give up, sex or food?
Uh... I don't know.
It's too hard.
No, you got to pick one.
Uh, food.
No, sex.
Food.
Sex.
Food.
Sex.
I don't know.
Oh, God, I want both.
I want... I want girls on bread.
What is it, hon?
Nothing.
I can't find anything that I want to eat.
Everything makes me nauseous.
I'm telling you, being pregnant is no piece of cake.
Ooh, cake.
No.
Oh, honey, I'm sorry.
Come on.
Ooh, what is that smell?
It's coming from the bathroom.
Ooh.
Well, pregnancy does give you some weird cravings.
Yeah?
It's me.
It's Phoebe.
Listen, there's something in here I want to eat.
What smells so good?
Is it the shampoo?
It's guava.
No.
Oh, wait, wait.
Is it my bologna sandwich?
Yes, yes, yes.
I can't believe it.
The baby wants bologna.
The baby wants me to eat meat.
I can't eat meat.
Wait, wait.
Maybe it's a pickle.
Hey, look at me.
I'm making jam.
Been at it since 4 o'clock this morning.
Where'd you get fruit at 4 in the morning?
Went down to the docks.
Bet you didn't know you can get it wholesale.
I didn't know there were docks.
Hey.
Hey.
Oh, is it broken?
No.
I'm gonna wear this thing for a couple of weeks.
Did you tell the doctor you did it jumping up and down on your bed?
I had a whole story worked out, but then Chandler sold me out.
Well, I'm sorry, Joe.
I didn't think the doctor was gonna buy that it just fell out of the socket.
What is this?
Fruit?
Monica's making jam.
Whoa, jam?
I love jam.
Hey, how come we never have jam at our place?
Because the kids need new shoes.
One end of business, people.
I'm sick and tired of being depressed about Richard.
I needed a plan.
A plan to get over my man.
What's the opposite of man?
Jam.
Oh, Joey, don't.
It's way too hot.
This will just be my batch.
Mom?
Mom?
Gone for more jars, back later, Monica Geller.
Joey, take your time with that.
That's my last batch.
No more jam?
Well, what happened to your jam plan?
I figured out I'd need to charge 17 bucks a jar just to break even.
So I've got a new plan now.
Babies.
Well, you're gonna need much bigger jars.
Hey.
Sorry I'm late.
Did I miss anything?
Joey's stuffing 15 Oreos in his mouth.
15?
Your personal best.
So, where were you?
Oh, on a date.
Yeah, I met this girl on the train going to a museum upstate.
Oh, yeah?
Which museum?
No.
Answer his.
Okay, it was just me and her at the back of the train, and I sat near the door, so she'd have to pass by me if she wanted to like switch cars.
She was totally at my mercy.
Were you so late because you were burying this woman?
No, I'm getting back now because she lives in Poughkeepsie.
She seems really great, but she's, like, two and a half hours away.
How can she be great if she's from Poughkeepsie?
Okay, that joke would have killed in Albany.
John, I did it.
Who's stupid now, huh?
Here you go, Pheebs.
Who else wants one of my special homemade brownies?
I will have one.
Yeah, I'm not going to have one.
No, no, it's just my tooth.
All right, I'll have another tooth.
So what's the matter?
You need a dentist?
I've got a good one.
Thanks, I have a good one, too.
I just, I can't see him.
See, that is the problem with invisible dentists.
Why?
Why can't you go to them?
Because... every time I go to the dentist, somebody dies.
That is so weird, because every time I go to the dentist, I look down the hygienist's blouse.
Phoebe, what, um...
First there was my Aunt Mary, and then there was John, my mailman, and then my cowboy friend Albino Bob.
And all of these people actually died?
Yes, while I was in the chair.
That's why I take such good care of my teeth now, you know?
It's not about oral hygiene.
I floss to save lives.
Pheebs, come on.
You didn't kill anybody.
These people just happened to die when you went to the dentist.
It's just a coincidence.
Well, tell that to them.
Oh, you can't.
They're dead.
Hi.
Hi.
What's wrong, buddy?
Someone at work ate my sandwich.
Well, what did the police say?
My Thanksgiving leftover sandwich.
I can't believe someone just ate it.
Ross, it's just a sandwich.
Just a sandwich?
Look, I am 30 years old, okay?
I'm gonna be divorced twice, and I just got evicted.
That sandwich was the only good thing going on in my life.
Someone ate the only good thing going on in my life.
Okay, look, I have enough stuff for one more sandwich.
I mean, I was gonna eat it myself, but...
That would be incredible.
Thank you so much.
I still can't believe someone ate it.
I mean, look, I left a note and everything.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ross Geller's lunch.
Ross Geller's lunch who?
Ross Geller's lunch, please don't take me, okay?
I'm surprised you didn't go home wearing your lunch.
Okay, look, you want to hold on to your food, you got to scare people off.
I learned that living on the street.
Really?
So what would you say, Pheebs?
Stuff like, uh, keep your mitts off my grub.
Say Ross, when you picture Phoebe living on the street, is she surrounded by the entire cast of Annie?
Okay, this will keep them away from your stuff.
Phoebe, you are a badass.
Well, someday I'll tell you about the time I stabbed the cop.
Phoebe.
What?
He stabbed me first!
Phoebe.
Yeah?
Phoebe, your note...
Amazing.
Not only did no one touch my sandwich, but people at work are actually afraid of me.
Yeah, a guy called me Mental.
Mental Geller.
Yeah.
I've always wanted a cool nickname like that.
Yeah, the best you got in high school was, uh, Wet Pants Geller.
It was the water fountain, okay?
Anyway...
People are writing reports for me, pushing back deadlines to fit my schedule.
I'm telling you, you get tough with people and you can get anything you want.
Hey, Tribbiani, give me that coffee now.
Um, Ross, may I have a word with you?
Oh, of course, Donald.
We've been getting reports of some very angry behavior on your part.
What?
Threatening letters, refusal to meet deadlines.
Apparently, people now call you mental.
Yeah.
We want you to speak to a psychiatrist.
Oh, no.
You don't understand.
Oh, this is so silly.
This is all just because of a sandwich.
A sandwich?
Yeah.
You see, my sister makes these amazing turkey sandwiches.
Her secret is she puts an extra slice of gravy-soaked bread in the middle.
I call it the moist maker.
Anyway, I put my sandwich in the fridge over here.
Oh, you know what?
I'm sorry.
I believe I ate that.
You ate my sandwich?
It was a simple mistake.
It could happen to anyone.
Oh, really?
Did you confuse it with your own turkey sandwich with a moist maker?
No.
Do you perhaps remember seeing a note on top of it?
There may have been a joke or...
America of some kind?
That said, it was my sandwich.
Now calm down.
Come look in my office.
Some of it may still be in the trash.
What?
Well, it was quite large.
I had to throw most of it away.
You threw my sandwich away?
My sandwich!
My sandwich!
Has anybody seen my engagement ring?
Yeah, it's beautiful.
Oh, God.
Oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God, oh, God.
No, don't touch that.
Oh, like I wasn't dreading tomorrow enough having to give it back to him.
Hi, Barry.
Remember me?
I'm the girl in the veil that stomped on your heart in front of your entire family.
Oh, God, and now I'm gonna have to return the ring without the ring, which makes it so much harder.
Easy, Rach.
We'll find it.
Won't we?
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Okay, look.
All right, when'd you have it on last?
Doy.
Probably right before she lost it.
You don't get a lot of doy these days.
I know I had it this morning.
I know I had it when I was in the kitchen with... Dinah?
Oh, don't be mad.
You didn't.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I gave you one job.
Oh, but look how straight those noodles are.
Now, Monica, you know that's not how you look for an engagement ring in lasagna.
I just can't do it.
Boys, we're going in.
Okay.
All right.
Well, let's try one whenever you guys are ready.
Uh-oh.
Is there a problem?
Well, this is noodle soup, and I've been working with tomato.
But it's okay.
No problem.
No problem.
Mmm, noodle soup.
You know, that's fine, but the line is, mmm, soup.
Oh, what'd I say?
Mmm, noodle soup.
How's that different?
Oh, yeah.
All right, let's try one.
Mmm, noodle soup.
Okay.
Let's do it again.
Okay.
Mmm.
Soup.
I mean, noodle soup.
I mean, soup.
Come on!
You know what?
We need to move on.
No, I can do it one more time.
See?
Look.
Mmm.
Noodle soup.
Well, what are you... Hi.
Hi.
Well, what are you doing here?
I'm supposed to pick you up.
Change of plans.
I made you a special Valentine's dinner.
Surprise!
Hi!
Oh, hey, Mona.
Hi.
Hi, Rachel.
What's she doing here?
I have no idea.
Um, I'll be watching TV if anybody needs me.
Seriously, what is she doing?
Uh, you know, lately she just likes hanging out here.
Why?
I think she's lonely.
Okay, but it's Valentine's Day.
Can't we just ask her to go?
Well, no, no.
She's way too emotional.
And by emotional, I mean... I'm not here.
That's just my Chinese food.
Yes, she's emotional, but... but ballsy.
You know what I'm gonna do?
I'm gonna get in my sweats and eat this in bed.
And you thought she was gonna be in our way.
So, okay, why don't you open the champagne, and I will be right back.
I've got a surprise for you.
You got another ex-wife back there?
It's weird.
What?
Your nails.
Oh, I know.
I never wear fake ones.
I just did it so my mom wouldn't give me grief about biting them.
Oh, no.
I mean, it's weird that you only have nine now.
Oh, my God.
Wait a minute.
I had him when I put... Oh, my God, it's in the quiche!
Oh, my God!
Okay, don't panic.
I'm gonna go to the store, I'm gonna get you another set of nails no one's gonna know and you're gonna look great.
Oh.
Oh, it's because they're gonna eat.
That's the problem.
Honey, don't bite your nails.
Okay, uh, please don't freak out.
Um, but there's a blue fingernail in one of the quiche cups, and there's no way to know which one.
And whoever finds it wins the prize.
Well, they're not even touching the lasagna.
Really?
Oh, they love your casserole.
Yes!
It's hard to believe.
Just a little while ago, this was nothing but ingredients.
Everyone seems to like your dish.
And you.
I thought it was quite tasty.
So if everyone liked it and you liked it, that would make this a success, which would make you a bitch.
Well, I was going for wrong, but we can use your word.
Yes, well, I was wrong.
And I have to say, you really impressed me today.
Wow.
Um, you might even say that she pulled a Monica.
She doesn't know we switched it.
Where's that turkey?
Jelly, those are my maternity pants.
No, no, these are my Thanksgiving pants.
That's it.
I'm done.
Here come the meat sweats.
Well, Joey, we're all very proud of you.
Yes, I believe we can expect a call from the president any moment now.
Is there anything we can do for you?
No, just nobody press on my stomach.
You can keep those pants, by the way.
What do you got there?
Is that pie?
Yeah, you want some?
Just cut me a little sliver.
A little bigger.
I'm bigger.
What, are you afraid you're gonna run out?
Cut me a real piece.
You look cute in bubbles.
Nah, you're just all liquored up.
I've had a very long, hard day.
I'm gonna go get some chicken.
You want some?
No, thanks.
No chicken.
Bye-bye, then.
You sure?
Some extra crispy?
Dirty rice?
Beans?
For the last time, no!
Get out!
Get out, Joey!
All right.
Are you okay?
I'm so sorry.
He wouldn't leave.
He kept asking me if I wanted chicken.
Chicken?
I could eat some chicken.
Hey, Joe.
Yeah, can I get a three-piece, some coleslaw and some beans and a Coke?
Diet Coke.
I'll tell you one thing.
I wouldn't mind having a piece of this sun-dried tomato business.
Five years ago, if somebody had said to me, here's a tomato that looks like a prune, I'd have said get out of my office.
Dad, before I was born, did you freak out at all?
I'm not freaking out.
I'm just saying if someone had come to me with the idea of these... Dad, dad, dad.
I'm talking about the whole baby thing.
Did you ever get this sort of panicky, oh, my God, I'm going to be a father kind of a thing?
No.
Your mother really did the work.
I was busy with the business.
I wasn't around that much.
Is that what this is about?
Oh, no, Dad, I was just wondering.
Because it's time to make up for that.
We can do stuff together.
You always wanted to go to that colonial Williamsburg.
How about we do that?
Thanks, Dad, really.
You know, I just... I just... I just needed to know, um... When did you start to feel like a father?
Oh.
Well, I... I guess it must have been...
The day after you were born, we were in the hospital room.
Your mother was asleep and they brought you in and gave you to me.
You were this ugly little red thing.
And all of a sudden you grabbed my finger with your whole fist and you squeezed it so tight.
So you don't want to go to Williamsburg.
Well, we can go to Williamsburg.
Eat your fish.
$1.85.
What do you mean?
Yesterday you said I was too pretty to pay for stuff.
It's just I can't because my manager said that a Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday to you.
Happy birthday, dear Annie.
Amy.
Amy.
Happy birthday to you.
Hey.
Hey, that's weird.
Today's my birthday too.
Yeah, not in here it isn't.
Happy birthday to you.
You're paying for that.
No, no, it's her birthday.
You've sung happy birthday to 20 different women today.
But it really... You are no longer authorized to distribute birthday muffins.
Damn it.
I'm so sorry we're late.
Please let us in so we can have dinner together.
No, everything's cold.
The turkey's dried out and the stuffing's all soggy.
Yeah, and there's a bowl of cranberry sauce...
What happens to cranberry sauce?
Nothing.
It's fine.
Oh, thank God.
Oh, I just remembered.
We do have something to eat.
Monica put something in our oven this morning.
Oh, yeah.
Hey, you touch that and you will be sorry.
Guys, I listened to her.
The vein is bigger than I've ever seen it.
Oh, my God, it's Brussels sprouts.
That's worse than no food.
Ha ha, all you got was Monica's stinky Brussels sprouts.
Stinky?
Please let me stay on this side of the door.
It all looks so beautiful.
The turkey, the stuffing.
The cranberries.
Enough.
A monkey could have made them.
Hey, listen, guys, we feel really terrible.
He's doing that weird eye contact thing.
Don't look at him.
Don't look at him.
Come on, you guys.
We want you to know we're very, very sorry.
Right, guys?
I feel terrible.
Let's not ruin this day.
You worked so hard.
Let's move past this and try to have a nice meal all together.
The floating heads do make a good point.
Yeah, they do seem to feel pretty bad.
So bad.
So bad.
So bad.
Okay.
Okay, you two go get the dessert, and I'll let you in.
Dessert?
Yeah, I asked you and Phoebe to pick up the pies.
You did remember, right?
Pies?
Oh, we thought you said prize.
Here.
Grand Supreme, little darling.
Congratulations!
Oh, my God, you forgot the pies?
Well, I can't believe this.
You forced me to make dinner.
Then you're an hour late and you forget the one little thing that I asked you to do.
Really, girls, not cool.
Well, you manheads aren't any better.
You lied about going to the game.
You knew it would make you late, and you still went anyway.
Hey, I'm getting a little tired of this, okay?
We said we're sorry.
It's Thanksgiving for Pete's sakes.
A day of forgiveness.
It's a day to be thankful.
Don't make me come up there.
It's too late for apologies.
Fine.
Let's just go.
I don't need your stupid dinner.
That would be a lot more convincing if you weren't drooling.
Oh, is that what that is?
Come on, you guys.
Let's just do our own Thanksgiving.
Yeah, I'll cook.
Yeah, let's go out.
Hey!
Yeah, you three have a nice Thanksgiving.
The three of us?
Yeah, you, Chan, and the vein!
