She got me taffy.
Taffy?
Really?
I've never had any.
Ever?
Well, I think my mother was too busy planning her suicide to provide saltwater treats.
Thank you.
So what, are you just never gonna tell her?
Oh, no, no, no, I will.
I just wanna butter her up first, you know?
I'm gonna take her to an amazing Valentine's dinner, do all this romantic stuff, and then, just when she thinks I'm the best boyfriend in the world, then I'm gonna tell her that my pregnant ex-girlfriend is living with me.
If I haven't said it before, she's a lucky, lucky lady.
So, where are you gonna... What the mother of crap is up with this stuff?
God, is it gum?
Is it food?
What's the deal?
Oh, it's nice.
May I try a pink one?
Nothing.
Okay.
I mean, I really shouldn't say.
I mean, I'm really not supposed to.
Fine.
It's a humdinger.
Well, then it's really too bad that you can't tell me.
Somebody likes you.
Ugh.
Is it Chandler?
No.
Well, then tell him to stop staring.
It's Joey.
Really?
Joey?
You don't say.
Is it something you'd be interested in?
I don't know, I don't know, I don't know.
You know, I mean, on the one hand, mother, may I?
But, you know, on the other hand...
No.
No, I can't.
We're friends.
No.
Oh, no, I don't want to risk what we have.
I guess that makes sense.
So you think you're going to talk to him?
Sure, yeah.
I mean, it's Joey.
I don't want him to get hurt.
Well, I must say, I am on fire.
First Chandler, now Joey.
Not Chandler, just Joey.
Sure.
Oh, good.
You're here.
Uh, thieves?
Listen, uh, sit down.
I got something I want to say.
All right.
Um, you know, it's a scary world out there, especially for a single mom.
You know, now, I always felt that you and I have a special bond, so...
Phoebe Buffay, will you marry me?
Oh, my God.
Joey!
Oh, yeah, I'll marry you.
You can't marry him.
Hey, lady, your day's over.
It's my turn.
Phoebe!
Why?
Why can't you marry me?
I can and I will.
She's not pregnant.
It's Rachel.
Rachel's the one who's pregnant, okay?
Oh, my God.
Hey, baby, I think he would notice when you didn't have a baby in nine months.
It's Joey.
Hi, I'm with Ben.
Are you one of Ben's mothers?
I am one of Ben's mothers.
I'm a lesbian.
It was difficult coming out to my parents.
Well, hi, I'm Jenny Boone.
I'm a new teacher here.
Oh.
I've only met your partner, Carol.
Ah, okay, so that would make me Susan.
Right.
Yeah.
Are you looking for Jack's parents to discuss the problems he's having with Ben?
Yeah, because I really do think the parents should sit down together and have a conversation.
Yeah, let's do that!
That sounds good.
We should sit down and talk.
Just me, my lover Carol, and the Stings.
Now, how will I get in touch with them?
Oh, there are numbers on the contact sheet.
Uh-huh, uh-huh.
Could I get a copy of that?
Because Carol threw it out.
She lost ours.
She's such a scatterbrain.
Man, what a hot piece of ass.
Yes!
Oh, would you look at that, Monica?
I just knocked off all your top scores.
How sad.
Okay, I'm next.
No, don't start another game.
I said I was next.
Phoebe.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I couldn't hear you over all the winning.
Chandler, Phoebe's hogging the game.
Who cares?
It's a stupid game.
Oh, you only think it's stupid because you suck at it.
I don't suck.
It sucks.
You suck.
Wait.
Okay, if this game is going to cause problems between the two of you, then maybe I should just keep it.
No, no, no, no, I love it.
It is a great present, but in fact, why don't you go home and wait for the thank you card?
Why do you want to play this game so badly?
Yeah, it's not like it spits out a Clark bar after every game.
Okay, maybe that's it.
Come on, get out of the chair.
Come on, come on, out of the chair.
Oh, come on.
Okay, so when you're done with your tea, I'll look at the leaves and tell you your fortune.
I didn't know you read tea leaves.
Oh, yeah, I've done it for years.
I actually stopped because I was so accurate.
You know, and one of the great joys of life is its wondrous unpredictability, you know?
And also, tea tends to give me the trots.
Okay, I'm done.
Read mine.
Okay.
Ooh, I see a ladder. which can mean either a promotion or a violent death.
I'm the head chef.
I can't get promoted.
Mm-hmm, mm-hmm.
Who's next?
Okay, I'm done.
Do mine.
Okay.
Um, oh, okay.
I see a circle.
Oh.
Oh, which can either mean you're having a baby...
Or you're gonna make a scientific discovery.
Well, I have been spending a lot of time in the lab.
What does yours say, Peeves?
Um, wow, all right.
Wow, yay!
Oh, I'm gonna meet a guy.
And really soon.
And he's gonna be the man of my dreams.
Probably not the guy I had a dream about last night.
Wait a second, you guys.
For the last couple weeks, I haven't seen that guy everywhere I go.
We take the same bus, we go to the same bookstore, same dry cleaner.
Maybe he's the tea guy.
Phoebe, did you see that?
He totally checked you out, and he is so cute.
Mine is a picture of the village people.
What does that mean?
Hello oh, it's you.
I see you everywhere.
I'm jim jim nelson, jim jim nelson.
I'm phoebe.
Phoebe buffet certainly have been seeing a lot of each other lately.
We have maybe we'll be seeing each other at dinner tomorrow night say, around eight o'clock.
Well, maybe we will.
Oh, isn't it funny how we kept running into each other.
It's as if someone really wants us to be together.
Someone does.
Me.
Oof.
Witty banter.
Well done.
So, tell me a little bit about yourself.
Oh, okay.
Well, I'm a masseuse.
And I used to work at this place.
Do you like to party?
I like parties.
You're wild, aren't you?
Yeah, I guess a little.
That ain't no thing, I'm wild too.
So, anyway, I've lived in New York somewhat wildly, I guess for, well since I was 14.
I'm sorry, I'm staring.
It's just that you have the most beautiful eyes.
Stop it.
And your breasts.
Okay look, you're coming on a little strong, but I'm going to give you the benefit of the doubt because it seems the universe really wants us to be together.
So why don't we just start over, okay?
And you can just tell me about yourself.
All right.
Okay.
I write erotic novels for children.
What?
They're wildly unpopular.
Oh, my God.
Oh, also, you might be interested to know that I have a PhD.
Wow, you do?
Yep.
Uh, pretty huge.
Sorry.
Hey.
Hello.
Look, I know you've been really depressed lately, so I've brought someone over to cheer you up.
Right outside this door is a real live furry playmate.
Oh, no, I'm not sleeping with your friend Jane again.
Hey, a dog.
Oh, hi.
Who you gotta admit, looks a lot like Jane.
This is the happiest dog in the world.
I borrowed him from my friend Wendy.
So you can keep him till he cheers you up.
And he will cheer you up.
Thanks so much, Phoebe.
We are gonna have so much fun.
Yes, we are.
Oh, not that kind of fun.
Rachel's pregnant?
Yeah.
Well, who's the father?
We don't know.
I wonder if it's that dude.
There's a dude?
Yeah.
Who is it?
About a month ago, this guy spent the night with Rachel.
Now, I didn't see who it was, but... Was that story over?
The guy left this.
Oh, my God!
I know who the father is.
People have got to finish their stories.
Look, I feel really bad about how I freaked you out before.
So I called the father and asked him to meet you here so you could tell him.
Go.
What?
Hey, wait a minute.
Phoebe, how do you even know who the father is?
I may play the fool at times, but I'm a little more than just a pretty blonde girl with an ass that won't quit.
I believe this belongs to the father of your baby.
Oh, God.
Oh, he's in there right now?
Uh-huh.
Now, you can turn around or you can go in there and rip the Band-Aid off.
What do you want to do?
Let's rip.
Really?
Are you sure?
Oh, Phoebe.
Okay, sorry.
Yeah.
Hey, Rach.
Rach?
So what's this about?
Rachel has something that she wants to tell you.
And, um, I believe that this is your red sweater?
No.
This is my red sweater.
Oh, no.
Could I get anyone a coffee?
Or... poison?
No?
Just for me?
Okay.
What's going on, Rach?
Nothing.
Phoebe kind of made a mistake.
But you know, you do wear that sweater a lot.
Are you involved in some kind of dare?
You know, I'm actually glad Phoebe called.
I know we broke up because you thought I wasn't mature enough, but I've really grown up and I think we should get back together.
Oh.
It's just not the right time.
It is the right time.
Okay.
I'm ready for more.
Tag.
Come on, Rach.
Let's give it another try.
I'm having a baby.
Oh.
You can go.
Thank you.
Hey, my sweater!
I've been looking for this for like a month.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Bebe, you're on fire!
I know!
One more score to go.
You can do it.
Don't touch me!
Don't touch her!
All right, go left.
Go left.
Go right!
Go right!
I can't!
I can't!
No!
You son of a... Phoebe!
Oh, hi, Ben.
Now don't look at the machine.
Okay, now this one is rare, this one is medium well.
Now go, go, go.
Hey, Phoebe, hey.
Hey, have dinner.
Dinner was good.
Just ain't hard.
Now I'm gonna go.
Oh, well, hello there.
I didn't see this on the menu.
Oh, uh, Tim, this is Phoebe.
Phoebe, this is Tim, my new sous chef.
Oh, so you're Monica's boss?
Actually, she's my boss.
Sous is French for under.
I sous-stand.
Hey, Tim, I need a calamari and a Caesar salad, and could you get me the pesto?
Yeah.
You made pesto?
Yes, I did.
Would you say your pesto is the best-o?
I don't know, but I would say it's pretty good-o.
I still need the calamari and the Caesar salad.
I like your necklace.
I made it myself.
You are so talented.
Well, it's no pesto.
All right, all right, let's just cut to the chase, okay?
You're single, you're single.
He gets off work at 11.
She'll be waiting for your call.
I'll give him your number if I could just get one calamari and one Caesar salad!
I did not yell.
I am not putting a dollar in the jar.
You read comic books, right?
Exclusively.
Who do you think would win in a fight?
Catwoman or Supergirl?
Catwoman, hands down.
Yeah.
But between you and Phoebe, I'd have to give the edge to Phoebe.
What?
Really?
Are you kidding?
Phoebe lived on the street.
Okay?
Plus, she's got this crazy temper.
She... She's not standing right behind me, is she?
No, you're fine.
All right, well, do you think I can take Rachel?
Well, I'm not sure.
What?
Come on, I am tough.
Put me right here as hard as you can.
Okay, good.
Will you relax?
What are you taking this so seriously for?
It doesn't matter.
Oh, really?
Okay.
Well, what would you say if I told you that, you know, I thought Ross or Chandler could beat you up?
I would say, woman, please.
Hey, Ursula's fiancé is really sweet.
He's a teacher.
He does all this volunteer work.
You know, normally you know I don't like really sweaty guys, but this one I could just mop him up.
Oh, my God, Phoebe.
What?
You're getting a crush on your sister's fiance.
No, I'm not.
You are.
Here comes the temper.
How's the game?
I have no idea.
What?
Yeah, I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
I don't believe you.
That is brilliant.
And Monica has no idea?
Nope.
Every once in a while, I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.
Hey, wait!
Oh, hey!
Is your team winning, hon?
Oh, yeah.
Anderson just scored again.
There's no Anderson.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Oh, you too.
Hey, so, uh, how's it going living over at Ross's?
It's good.
Except he makes us watch the Discovery Channel all day long.
Did you know that something really boring happened to someone really ugly in the Middle Ages?
Oh, thank you.
I'll see you guys later.
Okay.
Bye.
Bye.
I had one lucky to-go cup of coffee.
Honey, I wish you would get over her.
I hate seeing you like this.
Is there anything I can do for you?
Do you want to look down my top?
Thanks.
Maybe later.
Oh, Gunther, could I get a scone?
Do you want anything?
I don't know what I want.
I want a lot of things.
I want to be with the woman I love on Valentine's Day.
And I want her to love me back.
And I want just one moment of relief from the gut-wrenching pain of knowing that that's never going to happen.
We have red bagels.
Okay.
Okay.
I'm breaking up with you!
What?
I'm breaking up with you.
You're fired.
Why?
I'm sorry.
I'm just not ready for a relationship right now.
And I'm sorry too, but Well, I like things done a certain way and the chemistry's just not right.
Ooh, that's good.
The chemistry thing for us, too.
Wow.
Um, okay.
Um...
I realize I came on a little strong, but it's only because I think you're so amazing.
And I just want to tell you how much I appreciate you giving me an opportunity here, because you're the most talented chef I've ever worked for.
Anyway.
Tim, wait.
Yeah?
I think I spoke too quickly.
There's a learning curve with this job, and maybe we could try it again.
Really?
Yeah.
Thank you so much, because I know I can be better.
Okay.
And, Tim, I just want to say good luck here.
Are you under the sheet?
Yes.
Great.
Let's begin.
How's the pressure?
It's nice.
Well, Phoebe, you are good.
Stating the obvious, but thank you.
And it's not weird, is it?
No.
Oh.
That's right.
You just enjoy.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, yeah.
Okay.
Oh, God, Phoebe.
Oh, that's it.
That's it, right there.
Oh.
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
Hey, did Rachel find you?
No, why?
Oh, she was looking for you.
Oh, well, I guess I'll catch up with her later.
She really wanted to talk to you now.
Yeah, it, uh, seemed pretty important.
Oh, no.
What?
I think I might know what this is about.
Really?
Yeah uh, Uh.
We promised we were gonna tell anybody this, but uh, About a month ago uh, Rachel and I slept together.
And?
Well, I thought you'd be a little more shocked.
Oh, I'm sorry.
And?
Well, we said we'd just do it that one time, but now I think she may want to start things up again.
Yeah, I don't think that's what it is.
Rachel, I want you to know that if it's positive, we're going to... Oh, I know.
I know.
You do.
It's time.
No!
Go ahead, Rachel.
Oh, wait.
You know what?
I can't look at it.
I can't look at it.
Somebody else tell me.
Somebody tell me.
Okay.
Okay.
Um.
It's negative.
What?
It's negative.
Oh.
Oh.
Well, there you go.
Phew.
That is, that's great.
That is really great, great news.
You know, because the whole not being ready and kind of financial aspects, all that.
Wow, this is so just the way that this was supposed to be.
Well, then great.
It's kind of so stupid.
How can I be upset over something I never had?
It's negative.
No, it's positive.
What?
It's not negative.
It's positive.
Are you sure?
Well, yeah, I lied before.
Oh, my God.
Now you know how you really feel about it.
Oh, that's a risky little game.
Are you really gonna do this?
Yeah.
I'm gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna have a baby.
I'm gonna have a baby with him.
No, it's still not the time you guys think our readers ought to know.
Uh no, just just that he is a great guy.
Yeah, that's gonna get you into soap opera digest.
Well, i.
I would just like to say that joey truly has enriched the days of our lives.
Um i, i just think that you don't expect someone so hot to be so sweet.
I like that.
What's your name?
Phoebe Buffay.
How do you spell that so we can get it right?
Oh, okay.
It's P as in Phoebe, H as in Hebe, O as in Obe, E as in Ebe, B as in Bebe and E as in Hello there, mate.
So what's the final head count on my baby shower?
About 20, a couple people from work who had something else to do.
Also, both of your sisters called, and neither can make it what you mean.
They're not coming to a social event where there's no men and no booze.
That's shocking.
Well, i don't care, as long as my mom's here.
Oh my god, your mother, What my mom's not going to be here.
Well, given that we forgot to invite her, it would be an awfully big coincidence if she was.
My God.
Well, it wasn't my fault.
Phoebe was in charge of the invitations.
Well, I don't have a mother, so often I forget that other people... Oh, give it a rest.
So my mother is not coming to my baby shower?
No.
Neither is mine.
You know what?
Don't worry, okay?
We'll take care of it.
We'll call her.
You just go home and get ready.
Please, make sure she comes.
It's really important to me.
I mean, that's my mom.
I know, I know.
What's her number?
I don't know.
Go.
I have my book.
Go.
Wait a minute.
If you're in charge of the invitations, why am I the one who has to call her?
Hello, Mrs. Green.
Hi, it's Monica Geller.
Oh, hello, Monica.
I know this is last minute, but we've decided to throw an impromptu baby shower for Rachel today.
I know.
My daughters told me about it when they received their impromptu invitations a month ago.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
For what, dear?
For not inviting me or for lying about it.
Oh, my God.
My ass is sweating.
Please, please.
Can you come?
It's today at 4.
Well, all right.
I'll see you at 4.
Thank you.
Isn't it at 3?
Son of a bitch!
Fatty?
Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?
Well, I got a job interview.
It's kind of a big deal, too.
It's a lot more money, and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
Wait, I think I know someone who does that.
Me.
I do that.
So, seriously, do I look okay?
I'm a little nervous.
Oh, yeah, you really look great.
You know, just don't get your hopes up.
Why not?
Well, the interview.
What about it?
You know, you don't make a very good first impression.
What?
Oh, you don't know.
Are you serious?
Yes, when I first met you, you were like, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I was like... Shh!
What is it that I do?
Well, it's just like you're trying too hard, always making jokes, you know?
You just, you come off a little needy.
Did you like me when we first met?
Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I am gonna run away from you.
Right now, with the way I'm feeling, all I wanna do is rip off his sweatpants and fanny pack.
Wait a second.
This is about the fourth month of your pregnancy, right?
Yeah.
This is completely normal.
Around the fourth month, your hormones start going crazy.
Really?
So this has happened to you?
Oh, absolutely.
Yeah.
Oh, and keep in mind now, I was carrying triplets.
So, you know, in medical terms, I was thrice as Randy.
Wow, this explains so much.
Last weekend, I went from store to store sitting on Santa's laps.
Uh-huh.
Yeah, yeah, I remember trying to steal a cardboard cutout of Evander Holyfield from a footlocker.
Oh, yeah, oh.
Well, you know what?
I go see my doctor tomorrow.
I'll ask her about this.
Maybe she can give me a pill or something.
Yeah, yeah, that's what you need, a good pill.
