Come on, I used all my best stuff.
I lit some candles.
I put on some music.
I used bath salts plus bubble bath.
And I got you this little plastic Navy ship.
So it's a boy bath.
This does butch it up a bit.
I swear, if you try it, you will love it.
All right, if I do this, can we at least discuss sex on the balcony?
Absolutely.
I don't know how that discussion's gonna go.
All right.
This isn't so bad.
I like the flowery smell.
Which is okay because I've got my boat.
So?
Oh, my God.
I told you you were a bath person.
Hey, when you get out, maybe I can give you a facial.
I'm gonna need a bigger boat.
So how's the game?
I have no idea.
What?
Yeah, I'm just pretending to watch the game so I don't have to help out with stuff.
I don't believe you!
That is brilliant!
And Monica has no idea?
Nope, every once in a while I just yell and scream stuff at the TV.
Your team winning, hon?
Oh, yeah.
Anderson just scored again.
There's no Anderson.
Hey, babe.
Hey, honey.
So we just got a wedding gift from Bob and Fei Bing.
They don't like us, do they?
Who says you can't get a nice punch bowl for under six bucks?
Maybe we can take it back.
No, it doesn't say where it came from.
Where would we return it?
How about to the street, say, from the balcony?
Why don't we just find a place for it?
How about in that cabinet?
No, that's where we keep the canned goods.
Have you completely forgotten everything you learned at orientation?
How about the closet by the bathroom?
Oh, okay.
Here, why don't you let me do it?
No, no, no, no, no.
I will do it.
Honey, you have to learn to sit down and relax and let your husband take care of things once in a while.
It's locked.
You have to help me.
Why is it locked?
No reason.
I keep private things in there.
Well, you know, I've been living here for a while, and I have never seen what's inside that closet.
What is in there?
Feminine stuff.
Don't try to make me uncomfortable with feminine stuff.
Taylor, there is nothing in there that concerns you.
If you love me, you'll just let it go.
Thank you.
Love you.
I wasn't trying to open your closet.
I wasn't trying to open your closet, I swear.
Wow.
Monica runs a pretty tight ship around here, doesn't she?
What are you doing?
Monica has a secret closet and she won't let me see what's in it.
I don't know.
What could she possibly be hiding in here that i can't see?
I don't know.
Oh, i bet it's richard.
Why would monica be keeping richard in here, well off the top of my head?
Uh, maybe she's having her cake and eating it too, you being the cake, richard being the two or, and here we go.
I saw this movie once where there was a door and nobody knew what was behind it.
And when they finally got it open, millions and millions and millions of bugs came pouring out and they feasted on human flesh.
You know, it wouldn't kill you to respect your wife's privacy.
Not too shabby.
I got this all off myself.
Using my wife's tools.
Oh, my God.
How did you get in there?
You're messy.
No, you weren't supposed to see this.
I married Fred Sanford.
No, Chandler, you don't understand.
Okay, okay, okay, fine.
Now you know, okay?
I'm, you know...
I'm sick.
No, Craig, you're not sick.
Look, I don't love you because you're organized.
I love you in spite of that.
Really?
You promise you won't tell anyone?
Yes.
And look, now that I know, if I've got some extra stuff lying around, can we share the closet?
Oh.
Well, it's just um.
I'm afraid you might mess it up.
I played this game all day and now i rule at it.
They should change the name of it to miss chandler, although i hope they don't wait a minute.
You stayed home all day and played miss pac-man while i went off to work like some kind of chump and i got all the top 10 scores.
I erased phoebe off the board.
High five.
What is the matter with your hand?
Well, I've been playing it for like eight hours.
It'll loosen up.
Come on, check out the scores.
Oh, and also look at the initials.
They're dirty words.
Chandler, why would you do that?
Because it's awesome.
You think this is clever?
Well, you know, they only give you three letters, so after A-S-S, it is a bit of a challenge.
Wait a minute, this one's not dirty.
Well, it is when you put it together with that one.
Oh.
Well, if you don't clear this off, you won't be getting one of those from me.
Ben's coming over here tomorrow to play this game.
This can't be there.
Come on.
He won't even know what they mean.
Chandler, he's seven.
He's not stupid.
Have you talked to him lately?
Hey, Toby.
Have a good night.
Did that guy just call you Toby?
Yeah, he thinks that's my name.
Well, why don't you correct him?
Oh, it's been going on way too long now.
I mean the first time he said it.
We were just passing each other in the hallway, so I didn't say anything.
And then the next time he said, hey, Toby, you want a donut?
And I wanted a donut.
And now it's five years later, the donut's gone, and I'm still Toby.
Have the bath, but I am taking your boat.
Now you're just a girl in a tub.
Hey.
Hi, Bubbles.
Manly.
Well, I just thought I would drop by and let you know how it went with Joey.
You told her?
She pulled it out of me.
She's like a conversational wizard.
How did it go?
Well, you were wrong.
He doesn't like me.
What?
Yeah.
How would you like it if I sent you to Lee Major's house and I told you that he liked you and you went down there and you found out that he didn't like you?
How would you feel?
I don't think I'd care.
Really, Lee Majors is hot.
Hello?
We're in the bathroom.
Why?
Because it's a relaxing and enjoyable time.
What are you guys doing in here?
Oh, my God.
A friend he's looking at differently, but it's wrong, It's Rachel.
You like Rachel?
Hey, look, it's no big deal, okay?
Phoebe and I talked about it.
It's just a crush.
It's gonna go away.
Dude, you gotta rearrange your bubbles.
Whoa.
Mazel tov.
Hey.
Oh, hi.
Hey.
Ross and I were looking for you.
What are we all doing in here?
Oh, my.
Honey, cover it up with the boat.
Hello?
Yes, we're all in here, and we'd love for you to join us.
Hey, what's going on?
Ooh, cool boat.
Oh, no.
Hey, did you tell them?
No, I was waiting for you.
Tell us what?
We're having a girl.
Oh, wow!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God!
I'll get you later.
Hi.
Hi.
So, which one of you lucky boys is Chandler?
Uh, that's me.
That's me.
Joey Tribbiani.
Big fan.
So, is that a bedroom?
Yeah, yeah, right over there.
All right, whenever you're ready.
That was weird.
What?
Why would she go in the bedroom?
I'm waiting.
So she's a... Yep, that's one naked hooker.
So, tonight's the night of the big bachelor party?
Yeah.
Hey, thanks for giving me that girl's number.
No problem.
Say, who's the party for?
My husband.
You hired your husband a hooker?
She's a stripper.
No, she's a hooker.
Is that what they call strippers sometimes?
When they're hookers.
Oh, my God, Stu.
I can't believe you did this.
Are you absolutely sure she's a hooker?
It's either that or she's just the best, most expensive date I ever had.
All right, all right.
Maybe you should just ask her to leave.
Why me?
Hey, it's your bachelor party.
Which is why you should do it.
I don't want to.
You do it.
You do it.
You do it.
All right, rock, paper, scissor, for us to tell the whore to leave.
What?
I miss this.
I don't think we've actually done this before.
No, I miss hanging out with you.
Well, we still hang out.
Not like we used to.
Remember, you and me used to be inseparable.
You know, now it's like things are different.
Well, you know, things are different.
I'm married now.
Yeah, sure.
And hey, don't get me wrong.
I am so happy for you guys.
But I just miss hanging out just us, you know?
Yeah, I miss that too.
I'll tell you what.
For now on, we'll make time to hang out with each other.
You got it.
Come here.
Oh, God.
Listen, I am this close to robbing you guys.
She's a hooker!
She's a hooker!
She's a... Hi.
We spoke on the phone.
This is so exciting.
It's so glamorous.
People taking our picture.
How do I look?
A little tall.
What?
Would you mind crouching down a little bit so that I look taller?
There you go.
Good job, Joe.
Well done.
Top notch.
You liked it?
You really like that?
Oh, yeah.
Which part exactly?
The whole thing.
Here we go.
No, no, no.
Give me some specifics.
I love the specifics.
The specifics were the best part.
Hey, what about the scene with the kangaroo?
Did you like that part?
I was surprised to see a kangaroo in a World War I epic.
You fell asleep!
There was no kangaroo.
They didn't take any of my suggestions.
Thanks a lot for coming, buddy.
See you later.
Don't go.
I'm sorry.
I'm so sorry.
Look, this guy fell asleep.
He fell asleep, too.
Be mad at him.
Or call an ambulance.
Fatty?
Hey, Chandler, why so fancy?
Well, I got a job interview.
It's kind of a big deal, too.
It's a lot more money, and I'd be doing data reconfiguration and statistical factoring.
Wait, I think I know someone who does that.
Me.
I do that.
So, seriously, do I look okay?
I'm a little nervous.
Oh, yeah, you really look great.
You know, just don't get your hopes up.
Why not?
Well, the interview.
What about it?
You don't make a very good first impression.
What?
Oh, you don't know.
Are you serious?
Yes, I mean, when I first met you, you were like, blah, blah, blah, blah.
I was like, shh.
What is it that I do?
Well, it's just like you're trying too hard, always making jokes, you know?
You just, you come off a little needy.
Did you like me when we first met?
Chandler, I'm not gonna lie to you.
But I am gonna run away from you.
Hey.
Hey.
So what do you think?
New haircut?
Necklace?
Dress?
Boots?
Boots!
Now, they're a little more than I usually spend on boots.
Um, or rent.
Oh, my God.
I know.
I'm gonna miss being able to afford food.
I'm sorry.
They just looked so good.
And the saleswoman was looking at me like, these are way too expensive for you.
She had a point.
Hi.
Oh, my God.
Oh, Monica.
Those boots are amazing.
They're mine.
Yeah, well, too bad we're gonna have to return them.
Return them?
Shh, they're gonna hear you.
Honey, I'm not returning them, okay?
I mean, I know they cost a lot, but I'm gonna wear them all the time.
You'll see.
Besides, I love the compliments.
I mean, have you ever had something that was so beautiful that everyone wants it?
I have you.
Nice try.
I'm keeping the boots.
Want to see something?
Sure, why?
Okay, um, this is gonna be fun.
Watch me freak out, Chandler.
Honey?
Yeah?
Listen, uh, I've been doing some thinking, and...
I don't know whether it's because we're here or Rachel's giving birth but um, I think we should try to have a baby.
Okay.
What's that now?
Okay, I've been thinking about it, too, and I think we're ready.
Are you kidding me?
You think we're ready to have a baby now?
This is fun.
You're ready to have a baby?
My boy's all grown up!
You said you were ready, too.
Yeah, but I was just screwing with you to try to get your voice all high and weird like mine is now.
But haven't you wanted a kid, like, forever?
Okay, just back off, mister.
In what John Huston film would you hear this line?
Badges?
We don't need no stinking badges.
Treasure of the Sierra Madre.
Correct.
There's a possible backwards bonus.
Madre Sierra, thee of treasure.
Yes.
I'd like to go up the ladder of chance to the golden mud hut, please.
Wise choice.
How many rungs?
Six.
That noise can only mean one thing.
Hungry monkey.
I'd like a Wicked Wango card.
Okay.
It's an audio question.
Name this television theme song.
Oh.
Oh.
Oh, my God.
Okay, I know this.
Give me a second.
Tell it to Time Turtle.
Shut up!
I dream of genius.
Yes, yes, you're back in the lead.
I'd like to spin the wheel.
Oh, come on!
Come on!
Super speedy speed round.
Is there a hopping bonus?
Of course.
Who invented bifocals?
Ben Franklin.
Correct.
Which monarch has ruled Great Britain the longest?
Queen Victoria.
Correct again, but you forgot to switch legs between questions, so no hopping bonus.
Oh, every time!
Now, over to Chandler.
I'd like a Google Card.
Are you sure?
Yes.
No.
Google.
Oh, my God.
Congratulations, Ross, because, Chandler, you've been bamboozled.
No!
This is the best game ever!
Ross, Mom, is it okay if I bring someone to your parents' anniversary party?
Sure, yeah.
Who's the guy?
Well, his name's Parker, and I met him at the dry cleaners.
Ooh, did he put a little starch in your bloomers?
Who said that?
Yeah, he's really great, though.
He has this incredible zest for life and he treats me like a queen, except at night, when he treats me like the naughty girl I am.
Oh, by the way, would it be okay if I give the toast to Mom and Dad this year?
Uh, yeah, you sure you want to after what happened at their 20th?
Yeah, I'd really like to.
Okay, hopefully this time Mom won't boo you.
Yes, every year Ross makes a toast, and it's always really moving and always makes them cry.
Well, this year, I'm gonna make them cry.
And you wonder why Ross is their favorite?
No, really any time Ross makes a toast, everyone cries and hugs him and pats him on the back and they all come up to me and say God, you are a brother.
You know what they're gonna say this year?
You.
Well, I can promise you at least one person will be crying.
You know?
I'm an actor, and any actor worth his salt can cry on cue.
Really?
You can do that?
No, are you kidding me?
Watch.
I can't do it with you guys watching me.
Joey and I would be okay once we hung out, but it's like we don't even know how to be with each other anymore.
I know it's tough now, but things will get better.
How do you know that?
What if it just gets worse and worse and worse, to the point where we can't even be in the same room with each other?
I'm not great at the advice.
Can I interest you in a sarcastic comment?
Some cheese.
Honey, why is the Bruce Springsteen CD in the Cat Stevens case?
Let's just say if I can't find the right CD case, I just put it in the nearest one.
Okay, well, where is the Cat Stevens CD?
In the James Taylor case.
Where is the James Taylor CD?
Honey, I'm gonna save you some time.
200 CDs, not one of them in the right case.
Okay, no need to panic.
Deep breaths, everyone.
Ten blocks down, five to go.
Oh, wait, stop, stop, stop!
Oh, I'm sorry.
Do you need a break?
My boots in tan.
Hey, can you get a little closer so I can see the price?
I can see it from right here.
It'll cost you one husband.
Okay, I'm sorry.
I think I can walk the rest of the way now.
Just give me my boots.
I don't have your boots.
Well, I don't have them either.
Where are they?
Well, why don't you check in one of my saddlebags while I chew on a bale of hay?
We gotta go back and get them!
Honey, are you seriously ever gonna wear the boots again?
Okay, I'm never gonna wear them again.
I just didn't get a chance to say goodbye.
You know what?
You can say goodbye to the tan ones.
Okay.
All right.
Okay.
Bye, boots.
Wait!
Half off!
Hey, I'm home.
From the tequila factory?
It was awful.
To get out of going to dinner with Doug, I told him that you and I split up.
So then he took me to all these strip clubs and sleazy bars.
And then when I wouldn't give him my wedding ring, he threw a soda can at a bird.
Come here.
I can breathe through my mouth.
You know what the worst part was?
I got to see what my life would be like without you.
You know, it was like It's a Wonderful Life with lap dances.
Please promise me that you will never leave me, that we will grow old together and be with each other for the rest of our lives.
I promise.
Hey, speaking of together, how about we send out a holiday card this year?
Ooh, I don't know if we're there yet.
So what do you think?
I've still got it.
Why did you get me this?
What is it?
Bitch, yelling, bleeding, dilating.
Oh, the dilating.
Is this the video of the baby being born?
Sweetie, this is Phoebe's.
Why were you even watching it?
I thought maybe you got me porn for Valentine's Day.
Chandler, if you thought I was going to get you porn for Valentine's Day, you were right.
Apparently.
It's about a young girl who moves to the big city, you know, in search of stardom but ends up having sex with a lot of guys.
Yeah, got four stars.
Oh, wait a minute.
Those aren't stars.
Anyway, you want to take a look?
Well, I'm not really in a sexy mood right now.
Hey, what's going on?
Well, remember the first time you saw Jaws?
How long it took to go back in the water?
We can't let this tape wreck Valentine's Day.
You don't know.
You didn't see it.
Childbirth, it's a natural thing.
It's beautiful.
Oh, beautiful?
Really?
Oh, really?
You think this is beautiful?
Oh, my God!
No wonder my mother hates me!
Ow!
See, honey, there's... Don't touch me!
Who would kick whose ass in a fight, you or Ross?
There's no question.
So you think Ross, too?
You picked Ross?
Ross is really strong.
He's the strongest out of all three of you.
Except for Joey.
I cannot believe you didn't pick me.
In her defense, she's right.
I am stronger.
I would destroy you.
Oh, really?
You think you're stronger?
Why don't you prove it?
Oh, I'll prove it.
I'll prove it like a theorem.
Wait, wait, wait.
Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop.
Now, there's no one who's going to fight in this apartment.
Hey, Monica, people came to see a fight.
Let's give them what they came for.
You guys could arm wrestle.
Yeah, listen to the slutty nurse.
You're going down.
Oh, yeah, you're going further down, downtown.
Seriously, guys, the trash talk is embarrassing.
You've been acting weird all afternoon.
Yeah, fine, fine.
Not perfect, but good enough.
Jeez, what is with you?
I'm sorry.
Did you say cheese?
All right.
What's going on?
Phoebe thinks that you and Don are soulmates.
And I don't believe in that kind of stuff, but then you two totally get along.
So look, I won't stand in your way if you want to run off with Don and live in a house of cheese.
Taylor, you don't believe in soulmates?
No, but I'm sure Tomatoes does.
I don't believe in soulmates either.
You don't?
No.
I don't think that you and I were destined to end up together.
I think that we fell in love and we work hard at our relationship.
Some days we work really hard.
So you don't want to live with Don in the cheese house?
No, I've had second thoughts about that.
Do you realize how hard that would be to clean?
I love you.
I know.
You know what?
I'm going to take you out to dinner tonight.
I found this place that makes the greatest mozzarella sticks and jalapeno poppers.
No, really?
They taste so good.
Okay.
See?
She stole my jeans!
What?
I have been looking for them all week and she is wearing them!
So, she stole your pants and then she came back and wore them in front of you?
Don't you see?
It's the perfect crime!
She must have been planning this for years.
I will prove it to you, okay?
About a week ago I was wearing those jeans and I dropped a pin in my lap and it left an ink stain on the crotch.
Now when she comes back, I will find it and show you that stain.
Shouldn't we give her the benefit of the doubt before we go snooping around her crotch?
Have a halloween party?
Oh good yeah, and everybody has to wear costumes.
Come on, it'll be fun.
Well, i'll be there.
I mean, i have to wear a costume to all my classes that day anyway.
So please tell me you're not going to dress up like a dinosaur, not two years in a row.
I'll come to the party, but i'm not dressing up.
You have to.
No way.
Look, Halloween is so stupid.
Dressing up and pretending to be someone you're not.
You're an actor.
So, Ross, are you going to bring Mona?
Yeah, yeah, I think I will.
The hot girl from their wedding?
Yeah.
Well, hey, if she needs any ideas for costumes, she could be a bikini model or a slutty nurse or sexy cheerleader or, ooh, leather face from Texas Chainsaw Massacre.
No, no, no. slutty leather face.
Now, wasn't Joey hitting on her at the wedding, too?
That's right.
He was hitting on her.
And I got her.
I guess the better man won.
Please don't take her from me.
