There's one piece of relationship advice I've stumbled on that has strengthened every single relationship for me, whether that's with friends family, colleagues or my partner.
And I only wish that someone had shared this with me sooner.
Let's take the romantic relationship as our example.
When we first fall in love, everything feels so perfect and effortless.
We give and receive so much attention and love and we bask in that feeling of being deeply seen, valued and cherished.
But then, as the novelty wears off and reality starts to set in, we realize that keeping a relationship strong takes a lot of effort.
The philosopher Alain de Botton once said we know so much about how to fall in love and dangerously little about how to stay in it.
So today we're going to chat about one piece of relationship advice that I just feel like I don't hear anyone talking about, but I think it has the potential to strengthen every single relationship.
So grab your cup of tea and let's dive into it.
At the heart of every human interaction is a deep seated desire to connect.
We yearn to be seen. heard and understood.
And so dozens of times throughout the day, we make what are called bids for connection.
So a bid for connection is any conscious or subconscious way that one person is reaching out to another.
It could be verbal, like saying wow, look at that sunset, or nonverbal, like letting out a sigh, for example.
Whether these bids are met with warmth or indifference by the other person is going to significantly influence the sense of safety and belonging that we feel in that relationship.
And that's going to shape the strength of that relationship over time.
And so this brings us to the work of Dr. John and Julie Gottman.
These are two researchers and psychologists that have dedicated their careers to studying relationships.
And they suggest that there are three ways that we can respond to a bid for connection.
We can turn towards, turn away, or turn against.
Let's explore each.
Turning towards is engaging with and acknowledging the bid for connection.
So if I were to say something like, Oh Robin, look at how beautiful those flowers are.
Turning towards would be Robin saying, Oh wow, they're beautiful.
I really like the purple ones.
If I were to sigh and I might not even be conscious that I'm doing it turning towards would be Robin saying Is everything okay?
So turning towards is the ideal way to respond.
But now turning away is missing the bid.
Either not commenting or saying something like, That's nice, honey.
Or if I were to sigh, maybe he doesn't hear it.
Or maybe he does hear it, but he feels busy and he chooses not to engage.
Either way, the bid is being ignored and that's turning away.
Now, turning against is rejecting the bid.
It usually means responding angrily or in a condemning way.
So saying something like, I've seen better.
Or saying something like, What's wrong with you?
In one of his studies, Dr Gottman observed a large group of newlywed couples and he recorded the ways in which the couples interacted with each other.
Then everyone went home and six years later he followed up with them.
And what he found was that the couples that were still married had, back then averaged, turning towards each other's bids, 86 of the time.
Whereas the couples that were now divorced had averaged turning towards each other's bids only 33 of the time.
And so it became very clear then that relationships thrive on responsiveness and die with dismissiveness.
And so it makes sense right that when we turn towards in these moments, we build trust and connection.
And I think we can all agree that when we turn against, when we reject someone's bid, when we say something angrily, it's not very nice.
But what's so interesting and what I think so many people don't realize I didn't before I learned this is that turning away can actually be more harmful than turning against, because it feeds into this idea of social isolation and it can kind of be the silent killer of relationships, because it sends a subtle but very harmful message of indifference and it can make the other person feel unseen and undervalued.
And I think more often, the reason we miss these opportunities to connect isn't because we don't care, but just because we're preoccupied or distracted.
We just don't realize a bid is happening.
And now that you've learned this, I think you're gonna start to see that bids for connection are everywhere.
And so now what Robin and I try to do is just label it.
Labeling goes a long way.
So if either Robin or I feels that the other person is turning away or against, we'll just say hey, I'm making a bid.
And sometimes that can bring you out of whatever it is you're doing and realize hey, this is my opportunity to connect with this person that I care about.
What I'll also do is if Robin says, for example, I've had a really tough day, instead of saying something like, oh that really sucks, I'm sorry, which can look like a turning towards, but it's quite superficial.
I'll just try to engage a little bit more.
I'm sorry you had a bad day.
Tell me why, what happened?
I'm trying to go a little bit deeper.
Feel the difference, right?
I think the other thing to recognize as well is that you might not always be able to just drop whatever you're doing and turn towards the other person, but it's also considered turning towards.
If you say hey, I'm busy right now, could I follow up with you on this in two minutes, in 20 minutes tomorrow, you're still acknowledging that that person is making a bid for connection.
And look, no one's going to be perfect at catching every bid that's thrown their way.
But what I'm hoping to highlight is that the strongest relationships are those where the effort is at least consistently made.
So try to master the art of those tiny moments, because I do think the secret to strong, healthy relationships isn't in grand gestures, but it's in these small, often overlooked ways that we can turn towards the people that we most care about.
And I'm curious to know if there's any relationship advice that you've learned that has really helped to strengthen your relationships.
I will see you in the comments.
I would love to learn more.
Thanks so much for enjoying this cup of tea with me.
I really appreciate it.
Have an awesome week.
Pickup Limes signing off.
We'll see you in the next video.
Oh, wow.
Those are beautiful.
Just like you.
You mean those sad excuse for flowers that you got there?
Wow, drama queen much?
