Welcome to the Overwhelmed Brain Podcast, helping you navigate the difficulties in your life and relationships.
These are my personal opinions.
Always seek a professional when you're making choices about your mental health and wellbeing.
Welcome to another show of the Overwhelmed Brain.
I am your hopefully beloved host.
I've been here for, what, 12 years now.
Going on 12 years.
Go Paul.
And I'm going to do a grab bag episode today.
Kind of answering a bunch of questions. that I've received over the years.
We'll start with this one.
What do you think about relationships that are on and off constantly for years?
Do they ever work?
And they went on to say when you keep going back to someone after months apart and finally feel like maybe you're moving on and maybe this relationship isn't going to work, but then something happens and it pulls you back in, how do you know if you should end the cycle or if the relationship can actually work?
Well, I'll give you my personal opinion.
I've done long distance relationships before.
I've done two of them.
One ended in a marriage and one ended with another marriage.
I guess you can look at it that way.
My last marriage didn't make it and this marriage did.
So I am currently in a relationship that started off long distance.
It did not do the on and off thing.
So I don't even think you said that.
I think in your original email, you actually said long distance.
That's why I brought it up.
But that's typically what I see.
The on and off relationships, they can be long distance relationships.
You see each other after a month or a few weeks.
And then you go back to your own lives.
So let's just say that you're local, you're local, local to each other.
And you want to know if an on and off relationship can work.
I would say this.
Yes.
But if you've been doing this for years now And there's been no talk about commitment and exclusivity and just staying together, being together,
If you've been doing that for years, I think the likelihood is less.
I think there are less chances that you will be together indefinitely.
That doesn't mean that you both or one of you can't grow.
It doesn't mean that you can't grow or they can't grow and have a change of heart and have a different direction that you want to go in your life.
But those are serious, serious conversations that need to take place between you and the other person.
So if you're in an on and off relationship on again, off again I think a serious discussion has to be had.
Is this the way it's going to be for us?
And can we be okay with that?
Will this be how it is from this point on?
Will we be okay with that?
Because some people can be.
Some people can have an on and off relationship.
Indefinitely.
I know someone that had an on and off relationship while they were not in a relationship.
So they saw each other and had relationship intimacy, but they, you know, friends with benefits.
I've seen this happen before.
And some people prefer that and some people want more, but I think it needs to be agreed upon.
I think that needs to be the conversation that you need to have.
You need to say, this is what I'm looking for in a relationship.
What are you looking for in a relationship?
And then you have that conversation.
And if it doesn't fit, it doesn't fit.
Now, maybe the question is, well, should I wait?
Should I continue trying with this person?
I think you should reach an agreement today and going forward.
Today, meaning from this point forward, we are going to have this sort of relationship.
This is how it is.
Someday we may change our minds.
One of us may change our mind or whatever.
And when that happens, we should bring it up and talk about it and have another serious conversation.
But today, from this point forward, this is how it will be.
So if it's an on again, off again relationship, whatever that means, there's probably a few different ways to look at that.
Like we broke up and then we got back together.
Then we broke up.
I think that serious discussion needs to take place so that you can come to an agreement that this is how it will be.
And I've decided this.
Meaning I've decided that I'm comfortable the way it is.
And I'm okay with this way on and off going forward.
And as long as you both agree to that, then great, enjoy life.
Enjoy your own life and enjoy life together.
When you're together, then you can move forward.
But if somebody does have a change of heart or somebody does want to commit and be exclusive and have a relationship going forward that is more permanent, then I believe that needs to be brought up again.
Hey, I'm having these feelings and I really do think that this can work out.
What do you say?
And then you both come to an agreement.
And if you can't, if one of you says I want this and the other one says well, that doesn't work for me, then it doesn't work.
Two yeses, not one.
It has to be.
You both have to agree.
So the question is, What do I think about relationships that are on and off constantly for years?
Do they ever work?
Yes, but they only work if there's agreement on what's working now.
If there's not an agreement, the chances are less that it will work, because one person is going to have more feelings and the other person is not.
And if you don't have two yeses, you have a no.
That's how I see this.
And then if there's a change of heart, then you can get together and see how it works out.
Because people do grow.
People do change their minds.
So yes, that's my quick answer to that.
And then this person also wrote.
When you keep going back to someone after months apart and you finally feel like you're moving on, but something happens and it pulls you back in, how do you know if you should end the cycle or if the relationship can actually work?
I think you need to know your criteria for a relationship.
I think you need to know your values.
Your values in a relationship.
My values are honesty and laughter and sex intimacy, romance and enjoying life together.
And you know, monogamy not being with other people.
I would list all these values, what I want in a relationship, how I define a relationship and then make sure those values are met.
Because if you're in a relationship that's on and off is one of your values, I must be in an on and off relationship.
If that's one of your values, great, you're meeting the criteria.
If it's not, then you're not going to be happy.
So how do you know if it should end or not?
I go back to what I just said, which is define what it is now, because what it is now is what it will be going forward.
And if you don't have a hard definition, a clear definition of what it is today, then you will always be in a rut.
You will be stagnant, not knowing where it's going to go next.
And I think the agreement is important.
What it is today is on and off.
What it is today is friends with benefits, for example.
May not be that way with everyone, but that is one example of on and off.
What it is today is long distance.
And then the next agreement.
Are we going to be exclusive?
Are we going to be able to date other people?
You both agree to something.
If it's one no and one yes, or one let's do it this way and one let's do it that way, it's a no.
It's always a no if one person says no or one person doesn't agree.
And if it's a no, there's tension in the relationship.
And with tension, it's more difficult to grow from there because tension is part of the foundation.
So I believe that if you don't know if the relationship is going to work, you define what you want in a relationship.
And if both of you can come to an agreement of what you want in the relationship, then it can be perfectly fine going forward that way because you both agree.
But again, as soon as someone has a change of heart, it should be brought up.
Because then there are fears and resentment and things that come up that never came up before.
Because now somebody has different feelings or different thoughts.
And that needs to be addressed as soon as possible.
Anytime you have a different thought that doesn't go along with the agreement at first or your values or whatever.
Any different thought needs to be introduced as soon as possible.
If you feel that way, bring it up because you don't want to prolong a relationship that is based on two separate value systems, because then it will split and it will probably be more painful later on if you try to make it work because you're on two different pages.
So there's that question.
I mean that's a deep subject that we could certainly dive into and talk about all kinds of angles and facets.
But I want to reach into the grab bag for the next question so I can fit some in today.
The next one is, how much of social anxiety is actually our fault?
This is interesting.
Is actually our fault versus the other people just being difficult or rude?
Okay.
Let me read that again so I can absorb it.
How much of social anxiety is actually our fault versus other people just being difficult or rude?
So there's a couple of things in here.
I don't like the way the question is worded, because social anxiety is not something you're at fault for.
It's just something that happens.
It happens to you.
Do you feel judged?
Do you feel people are looking at you?
You feel, you know, self-conscious.
There's all kinds of reasons where you might feel anxiety in social situations around other people.
Yes, other people can be difficult.
Yes, other people can be rude.
This is one of those and both situations.
You can have social anxiety with people who aren't difficult and you can have social anxiety with people who are difficult and rude, and all that.
And so there's that you can have both.
But the question is how much of social anxiety is actually our fault versus the people being difficult or rude?
And I understand the question.
The question is really saying, is my social anxiety the problem here?
Or is it because this person really is difficult and they are creating anxiety, not just in me, but maybe in others?
Is it my anxiety that's a problem in this moment or is it them being difficult again and both?
But let's just say that they are being difficult or rude.
When somebody is being challenging, there's a coping mechanism that activates, that basically repeats how we respond or react around people that we find challenging.
So if somebody is rude or difficult, how do you normally handle that?
Can you handle it?
Do you have childhood trauma of somebody yelling at you, or you're conflict averse and you don't want to deal with it or don't know how to deal with it?
It will all depend on how you learned to cope with challenging people, with rudeness, with conflict.
So if you haven't learned to cope in a healthy way, or at least a way that gets you through the moment without getting too anxious, if you haven't done that, then you'll probably get anxious.
I remember being anxious around conflict myself as a former healed people pleaser who now uses people pleasing as a superpower instead of a dysfunction, because it can come in handy sometimes as somebody who used to be afraid of conflict.
I can totally relate to the idea of feeling anxiety around challenging difficult, rude people because I didn't know how to handle it.
And then over the years, when I learned about personal boundaries, which I think is the first step in the right direction for somebody who is dealing with any type of anxiety learning about personal boundaries and then enforcing those boundaries and then finding out what happens when you enforce them.
Scary as hell.
It was for me at least.
That process, that step up, incrementally stepping up process of understanding what my personal boundaries were, which is basically saying what you will and won't accept in life.
And then enforcing those personal boundaries.
So when someone crosses the line or you feel uncomfortable around someone, that you either step up or walk away or do something to honor yourself in that moment.
And then you learn the consequences of doing that.
You learn how to honor yourself more and more because you realize you survived.
Now I'm not saying that you do this with dangerous people or someone who you have no idea what's going to happen next.
Sometimes you just have to walk away.
But sometimes I think a lot of our anxieties can come up from people that we know versus people that we don't.
And the people that we know.
They are usually I mean sometimes safer than the people that we don't know.
We don't know the people that we don't know.
We don't know what they're capable of.
But the people that we know that we've known for a long time, we know what they're capable of.
And if we've never seen them be violent or something, then practicing our boundaries with people like that, It can be a great start.
It can be a great way to remind yourself that you can survive these moments of conflict.
And even people that you don't know well.
Like I started practicing my boundaries around my bosses at work.
When my boss would do something rude or what I felt was unfair, or anything like that, I would start speaking up.
And I did so knowing I could get fired.
That is one way to tackle your boundary is knowing that there could be a severe consequence for what you're doing, but standing up in your integrity and in your character and doing it anyway, facing the fear and walking into it.
You're just going to do it and you realize that this could lead to a severe consequence, And that's just how it is.
Again, scary as hell.
And I'm not suggesting you do this in every situation, but this is how I started decreasing my fear of conflict by facing conflict and asking myself the question.
I've said this many times on this show, but the question is, what would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
I've said that many times.
I've memorized it.
What would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
In this moment, what would I do or say if I had no fear of the consequences?
And that tells you what your boundary is.
I mean that helps you define the structure of of the walls, your emotional walls, your personal physical space.
Because if somebody's in your personal physical space, or too close to you and trying to make you uncomfortable or maybe they're not trying to, but they just are making you uncomfortable you're going to ask yourself the question what would i do or say if i had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
And then you come up with an answer, and that answer doesn't have to be spoken out loud, but that is how you start defining your boundaries.
At least that's one way to do it.
And when you come up with the answer, it's going to be the truth.
Because if you had no fear of the consequences, the truth comes out.
So I have faced that many times in my life.
God, I could list a bunch, but one of them was facing my bosses and saying what I felt was right.
Because I asked myself, what would I do if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
And the answer that came up was, well, I would tell my boss that he's wrong.
I would tell my boss that he's not here to witness what happens every day.
So he shouldn't be saying those things, because if he were here I mean that could go on.
But you get the point.
I am speaking up to my boss and standing up to my boss, knowing I could get fired because If I feared getting fired, I wouldn't stand up.
I wouldn't say anything.
But knowing I could get fired and saying it was basically materializing what was in my head, which is what I would say if I didn't have any fear.
And when that came out, I just waited.
This is like, again, one of the first times I really started honoring myself.
I just waited to hear the words, you're fired.
You can't talk to me like that.
But it never happened.
And it made me realize, whoa, I've been making stuff up this whole time.
I've been making up that I would get fired.
And then I thought, okay, well, what if I really did get fired?
So I had to create a win-win in my head.
The win-win was if I really do get fired, I still stood up in my integrity.
I still stood up for what was right.
I still stood up for myself.
And that is right.
So I created that win-win scenario.
And I think we should all do that.
I'm not saying again, when you do this, there will be consequences.
Sometimes they're good.
Sometimes they're not.
But it really depends on what kind of outcome you want.
I was pretty tired of fearing conflict.
I was pretty tired of people rolling over me and doing whatever they wanted and saying whatever they wanted.
All their toxic behaviors that I never faced head on and said, sorry, that doesn't work for me.
I never faced those.
And when I started doing that, I felt more confident in myself.
I realized that I didn't have personal boundaries and I started defining those.
The more risks I took, standing up for myself, honoring myself in the moment and even having fear and saying it anyway.
Because just because I say, hey, what would I do or say if I had no fear of the consequences?
Just because I say that doesn't mean I didn't have any fear.
I still had fear.
It still happened.
But I was sick of fear being in charge of my life.
I was sick of it controlling my outcomes.
It was creating my outcomes.
My fears were creating my outcomes.
And so, in order to thwart that, to override that, I had to find out what happened when I actually did things that I feared.
I feared standing up to someone and I did it.
And when I did it, I survived.
And it turned out that every time I stood up and honored myself that the outcome that I believed would happen didn't.
Every time.
So this proved to me that I was making most of everything that I believed would happen up.
I was making it all up.
You want to know how social anxiety starts?
That's how it starts.
We make stuff up.
We pretend that people are thinking what we would think.
That happens.
We pretend that people are judging us and they don't like us.
They think we're dumb.
They think we're unattractive.
And so all these insecurities can come up in us when we're around other people and we're making all this stuff up.
And what I've learned and I'm laughing because I remember specifically learning this is That I'm not the only one feeling anxious in a room of people.
In fact, many people are and many people don't want to be judged, and many people feel a little self-conscious.
So I learned that it wasn't me alone in the room feeling anxiety and everyone else was confident and had no problems and weren't conflict-averse.
No, everyone else had their own issues to deal with.
I was just aware of mine, and I was just thinking I was the only one.
Hey, that person on stage, they seem so confident.
They clearly have no anxiety.
I'll never forget the story of Donny Osmond.
Donny Osmond.
You know Donny and Marie, if you are old enough.
Donny Osmond said before every moment I went on stage, before every time I went on stage, he said I felt like I was going to die.
He had such panic and anxiety.
I felt like I was going to die.
If you ever watch Donny Osmond, if you've ever seen him, look him up.
He entertains.
He's so confident when he's on stage.
You would never think that this person had any fear of coming out in public and doing his thing, but he did.
Because he's not alone.
Him and everyone else have this same, you know, I feel very confident speaking in front of people.
But the more people you add, the more that confidence wanes a bit.
And the more people and the more people.
And then suddenly I go on stage and I'm shaking.
And I'm thinking, this is scarier than I thought.
And I didn't even feel the nervousness until I went out there and said oh, everyone's looking at me.
I am in the spotlight.
It's.
Another thing that will absolutely create anxiety is when you think you're in the spotlight and everyone's waiting for you to do something or say something.
That's why so many people have stage fright.
They are just afraid to go out there and be judged.
And when you learn, when you realize okay, what would I do or say if I had absolutely no fear of the consequences?
Maybe you'll make a joke and just kind of break the ice and things go fine.
You know, one way I broke the ice was saying hey friend, or whoever it was in this big group of people I was in.
I said, hey, friend, I have anxiety.
I told this person I'm feeling anxious.
And when I said that, the anxiety decreased.
In fact, it went away because it was kind of fun.
It was laughing.
It was a laughing moment because my friend, I forget who it was, said, well, yeah, so what?
And I just thought it was funny and he thought it was funny.
And It wasn't something I had to sweep under the rug.
That's, I guess, my point.
I chose not to sweep it under the rug and just said, I'm feeling anxious right now.
And just by saying it, letting it out, it kind of gave my inner emotions an outer voice.
And that freed me.
It really just took it away. then I felt better and I could mingle.
So there's my answer to that.
That was about social anxiety being our fault versus other people being difficult or rude.
So let me get to the next question on my list here.
When should we stop blaming ourselves for uncomfortable social situations another social question and recognize that some people just aren't worth being around?
When?
Now.
Right now.
Summer's almost here.
I'm looking forward to it.
Although it gets very hot where we are, but I think we all deserve a little more time to get outside and enjoy the weather.
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If you are blaming yourself for being uncomfortable in a social situation with a person or people who aren't worth being around and I'm going to take that as dysfunctional toxic, boring not that it makes them a bad person, but if they're not worth being around, then you are spending your high quality time with people who aren't worthy of your time.
That sounds elitist.
It sounds entitled.
But if you really feel that way, if you cannot get value from the relationships that you're in and the people that you're around, then my suggestion is to find connection with people that you can get value from.
Find the people that you value.
If you have a hobby or something that you really enjoy doing and you find other people that have that same hobby or something similar, you're probably going to find more value.
If you don't drink and others do drink and you feel like you can't relate to these people because you can't socialize like they do, then find somebody else.
Find other people that are more similar to you.
And I'm not picking on drinkers versus non-drinkers.
I'm saying...
Sometimes you just are around people that don't have your same interests and hobbies and education.
Sometimes it's education thing like intelligence.
You're talking about high level stuff and they're talking about the weather and you just are bored, or vice versa.
You want to talk about the weather and they want to talk about high level stuff.
So I believe in not blaming yourself for being uncomfortable, but just asking yourself what would I prefer?
This is another values question.
What would I prefer in a relationship with another person or other people?
What kind of relationships do I want to have?
Do I want to have this conversation with this group of people that has this political mindset, and I am complete opposite.
Well, if you're into debate, maybe you would love it.
But if you're not and you would really prefer to be around people that share your politics and your values and things like that, then don't wait.
I mean, this is something that you can change right away unless it's family.
With family, it's different.
Sometimes you have to tolerate what you have to tolerate until family time is over.
And then you seek friends or spend your time doing whatever you want to do with people that you enjoy doing it with or by yourself.
Because being an introvert and being alone sometimes it's the best thing you can do for yourself.
If you are like that,
If you're an extrovert and need other people to energize you and make you feel warm and comfortable and happy and all that other stuff, then you'll be motivated to do that.
But I believe that you should go in the direction that makes you feel the most comfortable.
And don't blame yourself for being uncomfortable.
Just realize that you haven't made the decision that you need to make for yourself yet.
And that's not something you fault yourself for.
It's just something you realize.
And once you realize it, you can take steps to change it.
If you can.
I mean, if you live in a very rural area and there's no one around, going to be a little harder and maybe you'll find online friends.
There are online groups and things like that.
But no, i don't think we should blame ourselves for being uncomfortable in social situations, And we just need to be aware of what we want in our relationships.
What are our criteria for happy, healthy, enjoyable relationships?
That's my answer to that.
Next one is how do you know if your struggles in a current relationship are because you haven't dealt with past relationship trauma before?
Or if your current partner just isn't right for you?
Another relationship question and sort of another values question.
But I'm going to have a slightly different answer than what I've already talked about, because you can take what I've already talked about and apply it to this.
But here's how I would approach this.
And there are many ways to approach this.
But I would have the conversation with my partner about my fears and insecurities and just say this is what I worry about.
This is what I carry around with me.
For example, if you were cheated on in the past, my past partner cheated on me.
So I have this fear that you'll do the same thing.
They may not like that.
They may not feel that they're being trusted.
But it's a conversation that's worth having because you want to find out how they accept it.
This is why I'm telling you this is that we want to find out how the other person takes it, how they accept it, how they respond to it.
Because if my wife came up to me, like before we were married and it was very early in the relationship, if she did this, if she said I'm worried that you'll leave me for someone else.
If she said that, would I get upset?
Would I say, what?
You don't trust me?
What's the problem?
Probably not.
No, I wouldn't.
I know I wouldn't.
But I would say, what brought that on?
What's going on?
Why do you think that?
Do you think I'll leave you?
Why are you worried about that?
Let's talk about this.
This has to be another conversation.
That might be hard, but that's how I think.
A healthy partner and a healthy response that's what it looks like.
What's going on?
Where did this come from?
Let's talk about it.
That's a healthy response.
Instead of saying, what?
You don't trust me?
What's your problem?
If that doesn't bring up trauma, I don't know what will.
That's why I'm saying that if you have a fear or an insecurity or a worry or a past trauma from another relationship, whatever it is, How do you find out if your current partner just isn't right for you?
Which is the question.
I think you have to find out how they respond to your past trauma that is now your current trauma, because you're bringing it into the relationship.
Because you wouldn't ask this question unless you weren't bringing into the relationship.
So now we know we're bringing into the relationship.
So let's talk to our partner about this trauma that we have and see how they respond.
Are they going to respond in a healthy, supportive way?
Oh, you feel that way?
Oh my God.
No, of course not.
I would never do that.
Tell me what's going on.
Why do you think that?
That is, I believe, a healthy response, a normal response.
And the way they answer will dictate if you believe they're a good partner for you or not.
That's what I believe will dictate the future of your relationship and if they are the right person for you.
And what I mean by that.
Let's just say that they do have the healthy response and you still don't feel comfortable.
There's still something going on inside of you.
I think it's important that you approach whatever it is inside of you.
You reflect on it.
And ask yourself, well, what am I worried about now?
I mean, they told me that, you know, they'll never do something like that.
And I believe them.
And everything seems okay.
And they were very supportive.
But there's still something going on inside of me.
What is that?
And that's key.
You need to know what's going on inside of you.
What fear, what insecurity, what feelings, what thoughts you have.
And just kind of bring them up inside yourself for reflection.
And when you reflect on that stuff, then you can have these conversations with the person that you're with.
Because if they are the right person... you're going to have good conversations.
You're going to have healing conversations.
But if they're not the right person, then a lot of what they say won't.
It won't jive with you, it will not feel right, it won't feel like you're comfortable still.
And when you don't feel comfortable after that, then you have to start thinking well, what else is going on here?
Maybe Maybe they said all the right things and maybe I did believe them, but something's still off.
And I think that's when you have to be honest with yourself and just ask okay, if this person that I'm with this is something I talked about in the past too if this person that I'm with never, ever changes and they are going to be the same person going forward, then will I be okay with it?
And again, if this person never ever changes, will I be okay with it?
So that really brings the truth up inside you.
It really brings it home to be addressed.
Well, if they never change, well, that would be good.
Or, oh my goodness, if they never change, that would be bad, because you know they do this and they say that.
And I was hoping they would get better, but they're not.
And so that's another way to determine like you have the hard conversations you bring up the stuff that you still have trauma about.
Now, There's one caveat here, and if I don't mention it, it would be irresponsible of me.
The one caveat is in newer relationships within six months, maybe a year, when you're sharing past traumas, if someone doesn't have your best interest in mind, if they're manipulative, if they're abusive, then they'll use those traumas against you, because now they know your vulnerabilities.
That's a caveat.
It doesn't always happen, but it can.
Just like...
One out of every hundred people is probably a serial killer and you don't want to deal with them.
Not in the dating world, I hope.
But let's just say that one out of every hundred people that you meet is a serial killer.
Does that mean you're going to treat 99 people like serial killers?
Hopefully not.
You'd be freaked out all the time.
You'd be, of course, anxiety through the roof all the time.
So you don't do that.
You walk around thinking most people are not serial killers and that makes me feel more comfortable.
But, and that's a made up statistic.
I don't know what the real statistic is, but it's the same thing with dating somebody.
You could be dating one out of a hundred people is going to be manipulative or 50 out of a hundred.
I mean, who knows?
A number could be huge.
But the point is, in a new relationship you just want to take it a little slower and not reveal so many vulnerabilities.
And then when the relationship continues after six months, after a year, and you're very settled in and you can really trust the other person with a lot of things, then you can start bringing this stuff up.
I mean, it's not that you can't bring it up sooner.
If you have, I mean, I'm the kind of person that brings it all up at the very beginning.
So that's who I am.
But I'm also not afraid that the person I'm with will manipulate and use things against me, because I know what to look for.
I know how it feels.
I know what they say.
I mean, I've studied this stuff for years.
So I know how it all looks.
So when it happens to me, I can say, whoa, I see what's going on here.
And some people get sucked into a relationship and not see what's happening because they're so enamored and they're so committed and they give a lot of the benefit of the doubt and second chances and fifth chances, a hundredth chances.
And that's what happens when we fall in love and things like that.
And I'm not saying I couldn't be duped because I could.
But for the most part when you have done a lot of healing and you know what to look for and you know what manipulation and emotional abusive behavior looks like and you don't take the blame for everything that goes wrong.
That's very key, very important.
Don't take the blame for everything that goes wrong.
Because if you do and it's always that way then it's a very one-sided, lopsided relationship that is not about the two of you.
It's only about you better do everything right and you will never do anything right.
It's really what it is.
You have to do everything right, but you will never do everything right.
And so it becomes all about you being the problem.
So we just want to avoid that.
The question, let me come back to the question.
How do you know if your struggles in a current relationship are because you haven't dealt with a past relationship trauma, or if your current partner just isn't right for you?
So the other question that I asked if nothing ever changes, if this person stays the same indefinitely permanently, will I be okay with that?
And not just okay, will I still have loving feelings toward that person?
Do I want them to change anything?
Because if they don't, will I be okay with that?
So feeling just okay in the relationship is okay.
Everyone wants to feel a little bit better than just okay.
But I like to ask that question, just in case there's something that you haven't addressed yet, that you notice in the other person, but you are just waiting for them to change because you believe they can.
We don't want to do that so much because nobody is their potential, as my wife always says.
If somebody is not their potential and they are who they are as they show up today then that's what we base it on.
And so this leads to the final point of this person's question.
How do you feel today?
Let's just say that you knew for a fact that your past relationship trauma the events that occurred in a past relationship would absolutely 100 not occur in this one.
If you knew that for a fact, And that means you have to pretend for a little bit here in case you can't make that real in your head.
But it's important that you make it real in your head for this exercise.
If you knew for a fact that your past relationship, trauma and all the events that occurred, all the negative events that occurred, would absolutely not happen in this relationship.
How would you feel then?
If you say oh, my God, I would love it that I would hold my chest and my heart and say thank you, God.
I love this.
This is exactly what I wanted.
Then you know it's the trauma from the past.
But if you say well, I still don't know and I still have reservations, then there's probably something else that needs addressing.
And that's when you have to drill into the fears, the insecurities, the worries and even the relationship traumas.
Because yes, there can be PTSD from past traumas.
And we can apply that trauma to current situations and it can hurt our relationships.
It can hurt our happiness when we apply past traumas.
And sometimes it's hard because we're triggered.
Something happens, they say something and we realize oh, that's what so-and-so said, before they left me or before they hit me.
You know, that's what happened before the bad stuff happened.
You know, that kind of triggers.
What usually takes care of PTSD is repeated exposure to the same type of trigger without the same outcome.
So if somebody said something or did something and then hurt you in the past and you got away from that person and now somebody says the same thing or does the same thing but doesn't hurt you,
Like they say, you know, you scratched my car when you got out of your car.
You opened the door and you scratched the car.
And now you're thinking, oh, no, here it comes.
They're going to yell at me.
They're going to hurt me.
And then they say, well, you know, it's a car.
Who cares?
Wow.
I mean, as soon as you hear that there's a relief if you have any trauma around this, and that relief you take with you into a future conversation and you realize wow, this person doesn't react the same way the other person does.
And that's what I mean by repeated exposure to similar triggers with different outcomes.
Because those different outcomes will reinforce that you're not in the same situation.
And then it'll kind of overwrite the old neural pathways.
Not all the time.
Some trauma is very deep.
Sometimes you need to talk to a professional or a best friend and just kind of get it out of your system and talk about it.
And you might need help getting through that.
But repeated exposure to the same triggers with different outcomes gives you a different outlook.
And you take that different outlook with you and it's less trauma. and more optimism.
Maybe this will be the way it is in the future, but it may take a long time.
You might need repeated exposure, repeatedly.
You may need to have it happen over and over again. with positive results.
Wow, every time this happens, they never get upset like my old relationship.
That was a nightmare and this one's not.
So you start to learn that this relationship is not the one you had.
And I think that's another part of this is that how do you know it's not your old trauma?
Well, if you get the same triggers, the same things happen, but you get better outcomes and you feel better every time.
You get a better outcome and you're feeling good inside yourself and more positive and more trusting and more loving and connected, then you're going in the right direction.
And then what will end up happening is, as you work on all these old traumas and start to clear things up, start to get through them and you're not carrying them around as much, or not carrying as many around as much you start to get a more clear head.
What I say is the fog lifts.
And as the fog lifts, you get clear about what you want.
Because I know it can be hard to know what you want when you're in trauma or PTSD, but you get more clear as you work on your old traumas.
So, even if you don't know if this is the right person for you, because you're so foggy and confused and you're not sure what's up or down, work on those old traumas and you will get clarity.
It'll come more naturally.
And I know I make it sound easy.
Just go work on your traumas.
I know it's hard.
It can be hard to address these and bring them up, but that's why there are people that talk about this stuff all the time, and you know i have episodes.
I'm working on your emotional triggers and your old traumas and things like that, so you can go to the overwhelmedbraincom and listen to some of the episodes i talked about.
Whatever you're dealing with, or if it was an abusive relationship, go to loveandabusecom.
That's my other podcast and you'll gain a lot from it as well.
So I have other questions here.
I think I'm going to save them for next week and just conclude today's episode.
So I hope this was helpful to anyone listening.
Thank you for tuning in to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain.
I want to thank the patrons of the week, Crystal and Shannon.
I appreciate both of you.
Thank you so much for your support and letting me know that you care enough to open your wallet and send me money.
And let's be honest, that's what you're doing.
You're sending me money and I'm just.
I get humbled and I'm very honored and grateful that you do that.
Thank you so much to all the patrons, to all the people that donate to this show.
I'm very grateful to all of you.
And if you value this show like these patrons do, and you want to give back head over to moretobcom for ways to do that over there.
And for a show on how to navigate the difficult relationship, I just said it.
Listen to my other podcast called Love and Abuse over at loveandabuse.com.
And if you know you're the difficult one and you need to work on that in yourself, I created a comprehensive program, like in 2021.
This has been around for years now.
It's called healed being, and that is helping a lot of people heal and even reconcile with people that wanted to leave them.
So if you are trying to salvage a relationship, if you are trying to work on your own behaviors, I think healed being is going to be your best chance at doing that.
Go to healedbeing.com for more information.
And with that, always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions.
And be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you.
You are amazing.
