Trust you, Oleg.
You do?
No, why wouldn't I?
Aside from my complicated past full of men that have lied to me.
But you and I don't have secrets from each other, right, Oleg?
Yeah, well, you see... It is time for the traditional best man speech.
So listen up, bitches.
Ow, damn it.
I am bleeding.
Repeat, I am bleeding.
I can't believe this.
There's an app that burps when you shake your phone, but no app that unsends a boop pic?
Sophie, Oleg, what's there to say about these two kids?
Oleg is a bad cook.
Sophie quite loud, but somehow when they get together, magic.
You suck, next act!
Says the lady that works at the airport.
And Oleg, I'm so glad Sophie is marrying you, so now you can stay in the country.
Oh, no.
You suck, next act!
Yeah, I hear you, girl.
I mean, that last joke didn't even have a punchline.
You know, I mean, it was sort of sad.
It was no joke.
This is serious.
It's really serious.
That boob pic is up in the cloud now.
My boob is in the cloud, y'all.
Sophie, I didn't know how to tell you.
You wanted to marry me for a green card?
See, I thought you were marrying me for my bod or for my connections at the container store.
Or I mean, I taught you how to read.
Sophie, I can explain.
No, no, the wedding's off!
Oh, no.
What the hell am I gonna do with all those pigeons that I had painted wedding white?
Sophie, wait.
Oh, well, look who it is.
My dearly deported.
I worked on that the whole way over.
Sophie, I'm not going to be deported.
I'm going to marry someone so I can stay in this country and win you back.
I don't care who my new bride is.
Just up front, it can't be me, because everybody knows I'm married to my work.
And it can't be me.
It just can't.
They don't even have to be the best or even good.
Standards are out the window.
Look, it's a California raisin.
Oh, sunglasses and Advil.
Last night was mad real.
Han, will you marry me so I can stay in the country?
I'll need to think about it.
Yes.
Apparently, the only thing he won't say yes to is health care.
Oleg, I don't believe you.
This is just another trick to get me to do what you want me to do.
Like when you kept dropping your ice cream into your lap.
No trick.
Sometimes love makes you do crazy, disgusting things.
Like this.
Come here, Han.
And now I love this job, too!
Thank God he picked Han.
Wow, Sophie, Oleg must really love you.
That had to be hard for him.
And from what I can see, a little hard for Han, too.
At our wedding, maybe two pumps of breast spray.
Han, you're not marrying Oleg, because Oleg's marrying me.
I believe you now.
Because you kissed Han, and Asian girls aren't even your thing.
Don't give me that.
Look like Caroline.
What are you doing here?
What are you doing here?
I'm just coming in from going to get coffee.
It was delicious.
I drink every bit of it outside.
That's why I don't have a cup.
But you're wearing the same outfit from last night.
You're wearing the same outfit from last night and you have messed up sex hair.
You have messed up sex hair.
Webmaster Sophie.
She called me up and we made hand love.
But I thought Sophie hated you.
Well, she doesn't hate my hand.
But you cannot tell anyone.
That was her one condition.
That and a copy of my recent blood test signed by a medical professional.
Deal.
And you can't tell anyone about me either.
Especially Max.
I'd never hear the end of it.
Deal.
Pinky swear?
Actually, never mind.
I don't know where your fingers have been.
I just told you where they've been.
Anybody want to go grab a lettuce wedges wedges?
There she is, my vegan vixen.
Just look at that healthy glow.
Sugar, that's not a glow, it's a glaze.
I had a doughnut.
It fell on my face.
I had to eat it, or I would suffocate to death.
I've been on my best behavior, and you're not holding up your end?
Which, for some godforsaken reason, I'm not even allowed to comment on?
Well, maybe we could have a cheat day.
And that day could be... today?
Pound cake?
Know what I'd like to pound?
I sure do.
What are we waiting for?
Sophie, I think I found the solution to all our problems.
Microwaving the headboard?
I've told you repeatedly, the science just isn't there yet.
Make sure I get an email when it is there.
This is about us and Barbara.
I want to be more involved.
That's why I got these.
Moobs. to feed Barbara with.
Great.
Now I'm jealous of Oleg's rack.
If he puts Dr. Pepper in there, so am I. Oleg, tell me you kept your ding-dong.
Oh, yeah.
I'm just Mrs. Doubt-firing it for the time being.
We've got to get that kid out of that house.
You know what, Barbara?
You're really lucky to have such a good father.
I guess there have been bogarting baby Barbara.
Yeah, it really is sweet that you did that, Ole.
My eyes are up here, Caroline.
We're out of milk in the kitchen.
I really hope Earl milking Olegg is our rock bottom.
It won't be.
You called Peach without asking me and begged her for a job?
I didn't beg.
I asked her if she knew of anybody who could use us, and she was more than happy to recommend us to her friend, Constance.
No way.
I'm not comfortable with this.
Well, sometimes you have to do things that make you uncomfortable.
It's the way you grow.
No, it's the way you get a ride home from a kegger in the woods.
Max.
Max, I'm sorry, but we can't turn into those people who work and work just to pay their bills and don't have any time to pursue their dreams.
You mean Americans?
I'm telling Peach tomorrow we're not doing it.
Now go get some milk.
No problem, because that's what waitresses do, and apparently that's all we'll ever be.
I had to prove the sex was not that good.
Oleg, on the food... Don't say it like that.
That ham was already glazed before we got there.
So, I'm guessing you're back together?
Oh, no, no, the sex was not that good.
Oh, it was that good.
I went to get mayo, and it all happened so fast.
Well, I have some big news I want to share with you all as well.
Sophie, that classy lady right over there, I like this one.
She recently broke it off with me because she wanted to be with a man who had a dream and a drive.
So I have bought a drive.
A Lincoln Town car.
Yes, I have a new car service and slogan.
Lie back and I will ride you till you tell me to stop.
Hello, Oleg.
You now have a town car business?
And Sophie, you rent town cars all the time.
Oh, please.
I mean, I love pizza, too, but that doesn't mean I have to marry Papa John.
I was just thinking you might want to come out back and take a look at the light-up makeup mirror on visors.
Light-up makeup mirror?
Oh, I might be interested.
But not just you and I. Han will come as well.
Finally, Han is getting invited to something other than LinkedIn.
OK, you deliver.
I'll open the window.
But first, business affirmation.
Please, God, don't let us get pistol whipped in here.
It's either that Guinevere or Spider-Man came out.
Caroline, can I talk to you about a private matter, by which I mean the matter is my privates?
OK, but hurry, Oleg.
I'm in the middle of a dream catcher situation, and it's a nightmare.
And why me?
Because I trust and respect you.
And I feel like you know your way around a limp penis.
Maybe.
I talked to my therapist, Roy, you know, down at the Starbucks.
He told me it's all mental.
We didn't get much further than that.
He spilled a grande mochaccino on his sandals.
You're probably just scared.
Intimacy is so hard for some guys, it's not hard for some guys.
Yeah, that's all over my head.
Oh, no, Max forgot the order slip.
Oleg, I'm sure it'll all work out.
Good luck getting your penne al dente.
Again, over my head.
Speak up, Caroline.
How'd it go with Sophie?
Were you able to do the thing you know the man does, while the woman makes shopping lists in her head?
Shh, come on.
I don't want anyone to know I can't get it up.
Oleg can't get it up?
OMG, Ole can't get it up.
Best week ever.
Hey, everybody.
What's up?
That's your boyfriend.
If anyone needs me, I'll be outside riding my bike with an erection.
No, no, no, no.
He didn't hear it from me.
I only told two people.
Max and my manicurist, Ming Hua.
And you don't have to worry about her, because she doesn't care about anything except loving some guy named Long Time.
Sophie, baby, this is hard.
Yeah, maybe we better not try to be serious.
I mean, the real truth is, I only like you for your penis anyway.
Say that again.
What, that I only like you for your penis?
One more time.
Then what, that I don't have any real feelings for you?
That it's completely sexual and I only like you for your big, stupid penis?
I'm back, baby.
Sophie, can I see you in the kitchen?
I'd rather hurry.
I'm making three-minute eggs.
Cancel my eggs!
I would have so left during that whole conversation, but I'm holding a can of Dr Pepper between my legs.
What?
He's a doctor.
He's seen it.
Well, you know, it's funny.
I have a favorite thing, too.
In fact, why don't I just go and get it?
I can't believe it.
I'm about to meet Lonnie Anderson.
Can someone help me lift up my fork?
My arms are still sore from the move.
Open up.
Someone else has to feed Han.
He just licked my pinky.
Earl, what are you doing over there?
Just hanging out with R&B sensation Mary J. Wanna.
Oh, good.
So you're in the right mindset to hand-feed a 30-year-old man.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no.
I think that's Polish for no.
Uh-huh.
Yes, Sophie.
It's my painting.
Excuse me, our painting.
And it's going up on our wall.
Is it me, or is this party tense as hell?
I don't think Sophie and Oleg are gonna make it.
Uh-oh.
Am I talking out loud right now?
I told you, I don't want that thing in here.
I don't understand.
It's just a painting.
What's so bad about it?
Oh, my God.
Nice, huh?
I did it myself.
It's a paint by numbers.
You mean it's a Putin by numbers.
Why are his nipples so big?
They don't seem that big to me.
Oh, I am too high for this.
I'm not high enough.
In my culture, big nipples mean power and wealth.
In our culture, big nipples means wears a T-shirt in the pool.
There.
I like it.
Adds a certain something to the room.
Every wall needs nipples.
So a guy knows where to look.
Thank you for telling me to do this, Caroline.
She dead?
I'd get up and run, but my legs are like taffy.
Seriously?
You told him to hang that thing up?
In fairness, I had not seen the painting when I suggested something like that.
I mean, I get it.
It's gorgeous.
But it doesn't go with that decor.
What?
Is it throwing off this gorgeous outdoor-indoor swing?
Take it with a carving knife!
Nobody is cutting anyone, especially not me.
Do you never learn?
Just put some beef in your napkin like I did and let's get out of here.
Sophie, you asked me to move in.
Guess what?
I moved in.
Yes, I asked you to move in, but not with big, weird nipple potions.
Well, how big are nipples supposed to be?
Because... Never mind.
And what's your problem anyway?
I gave you a drawer.
This.
This is my drawer, everybody.
What good is this?
I can't even get one of my ball gags in there.
I gave you a drawer.
And who needs 12 ball gags anyway?
So now you don't like ball gags?
Who are you, lady?
I'll tell you who I am.
I'm the lady who's putting this in the trash.
You trash that, I'll trash this.
Oh, no?
Oh, you think you're gonna break one of Grandma Chinsky's glasses?
No.
If anyone's gonna break one, it's gonna be me.
This reminds me of the first half of my second marriage and the second half of my third marriage.
Sophie, I'm done.
And, as you said to me on our first date, I don't know how much more of this I can take.
Not awkward at all.
I should get going, though gotta be up early.
For what's the thing, church?
What's the hold up?
Back there, people are placing bets that i'm halfway to reno with the hooker and the wedding cash Relax.
After that subway, Max and Caroline needed some time to freshen up.
They came smelling like that diner cheese I tell you all is still good.
Hey, everybody!
We look just like Sophie.
I am so relieved.
I thought I'd be way overdressed, but I'm just underboobed.
Yeah, we were in a hurry or I would have loaned her a cup of mine.
All right.
Well, like, stop looking at us like that.
It's okay.
I'm marrying you.
You guys look like the four tops.
Well, two tops and a bottom.
Ole, Sophie doesn't want you to see her.
Jump on Chestnut and start down the aisle.
And Chestnut, I'm sorry, baby.
I know you never wanted to do drag.
And Han, you're supposed to take this in case something happens in the aisle.
This just went from best man to worst job.
What do you think, girls?
Do I look like a virgin?
Oh, listen.
I heard the tuba.
Yeah, that's my cue.
Go, girls, go.
Oh, God!
Her dress almost killed us, and now it killed Earl!
Thanks.
I thought I was a goner.
Time for the vows.
Bring the crowns.
And crown this marriage with honor.
Oh, raise the clouds to their heads.
Better go.
This is as good as it's gonna get without a ladder.
I, Sophie Kuczynski, Take you, Oleg Golichevsky, to love and to cherish, to have and to hold, never to leave your side, till death comes to take me.
Hi, Oleg Golichevsky.
Thank you, Sophie Golichevsky.
To love and to cherish, to have and to hold, Never to leave your side till death comes to take me.
I pronounce you husband and wife!
Math, now you throw the coins.
Long story.
Well, here we are.
Slum sweet slum.
She says that every time she walks in here.
It's usually to scare the crack addict out of our kitchen.
Ellen, are you here?
All right, well, this is it.
What do you want to do now?
We usually go to sleep so death comes sooner.
Guys, I can handle an apartment.
Don't let my broad shoulders, stubble, and Adam's apple confuse you.
I am, in fact, a man.
Coming up straight ahead is the kitchen.
But I don't have to tell you that.
You can smell the gas.
Fun fact, those paper towels you see aren't actually paper, but they do cause cancer.
Ooh, let me guess.
The Grim Reaper?
No, the Grim Reaper comes on Tuesdays and Thursdays.
Hi, girls.
And Randy.
Someone's been taking his handsome pills.
Well, they make them intuible now.
Makes it a lot easier.
Oh, Randy's here?
Hey, hey.
Hey, bro.
We should hang upstairs later.
We can eat pizza and watch dirty movies.
It's not delivery.
It's de porno.
That's a hard no.
Girls, we need to store some stuff in your place.
Oleg and I are baby-proofing our apartment.
My mom baby-proofed our house for me.
She put a club on the steering wheel.
So, in this duffel bag, I have... Oh, he's opening it!
Randy, close your eyes!
Relax.
It's just swords and sex toys.
Oh, I think one of them's both.
Are you referring to sex caliber?
Oh, I love this one.
This is the sword we used when we were playing Bone and the Barbarian.
And you know what?
It's good to give to the less sexually fortunate.
The sex toys are for you, Caroline.
I'm good.
I had a massage.
I guess I'll take a look under the hood.
Oleg, you know how I love to have a snack when I get my exam.
I'll go to the gift shop and grab you some chocolate heavy trail mix and some khabababa.
And Oleg, turn the bag upside down.
Oh, he knows.
Well, if I were a gambling man, I'd say it'll be at least five hours.
Shoot!
And that's how I lost my house.
Me?
Yes.
I need something to cut the umbilical cord.
Oh, wait, wait, wait.
You're in luck.
Sophie, you did great.
You're a mother.
Also Byzantite.
Oh, the baby's beautiful.
Oh, my God.
I had the baby.
And Oleg missed it.
He had his heart set on seeing the baby being born.
And he missed it.
He's never going to forgive himself.
He's never, never, never, never, never, never.
Sophie, calm down.
Maybe Oleg didn't miss it.
It worries me how little you know about science stuff.
We'll fake the birth.
You're asking me to help you fake a birth?
You'll be fine.
You faked an orgasm.
Well, that's true.
We have to make Oleg pass out long enough to bring the baby in and make him think he just missed a second of the actual birth.
Sophie, act like you're in labor.
Just yell and tell Oleg you wish you'd never met him.
It should be easy.
He's coming.
Places.
Sorry it took so long, but the lady in front of me paid for her juju bees with a third party check.
Oh, I'm in pain.
Oh, my baby.
For the first time.
OK, I'm ready.
I popped a Pepto, and what I'm now realizing was a laxative.
You stay out of the splash zone.
It's go time.
Oh, there's some seriously birthy stuff going on down here.
Should we get a doctor?
Even a girl one?
There's no time because of all the oozing gunk.
Push, Sophie, push.
You did this to me with your gunk.
Gorgeous penis.
We're both sorry.
Max, anything else disgusting going on down there?
Oh, yeah, we got a real sick situation here.
Oh, man, there's a lot of placenta goo.
I haven't been this woozy since I was at a super target.
I'm not going down.
I'm not going down.
The wet, sludgy baby is fighting through the slime.
Oh, girls, quick.
He's gone.
Get the baby.
Oh, yeah.
Oh, my gosh.
All right.
All right, now, to wake him up, Yell immigration or tickle his... Immigration!
Look what that is.
Look, Oleg.
The baby is here.
And it's a girl.
She has a bajoonie just like her mama.
Oh, she's beautiful, just like her mama.
Yeah.
Do you want to hold her?
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Yuck.
Yuck.
Yuck.
That's your daddy.
Let her get settled in the world before you start giving her bad news.
Hello, baby.
Barbara.
Barbara Kaczynski-Golaczewski.
Oh, that sounds real musical, doesn't it?
Depends what kind of music you listen to.
Aw, she's so cute.
Barbara's a definite?
Yeah.
I'm your godmother.
One day I'm going to teach you how to lie to these two.
And also this one.
