Hello and welcome back to Advice Session, a series here on Anything Goes where you send in your current dilemmas or anything that you want advice on and I give you my unprofessional advice, and today we're going to be discussing a very complex figure in our lives and that would be our exes.
Once we were lovers and now we're strangers.
Once we showed them our butthole.
Now we show them nothing.
once, it brought us joy and pleasure to see them at the end of the day.
Now it brings us fear and anxiety and pain to see them at the end of the day, perhaps at a bar or maybe at a party or at a restaurant.
It causes almost always negative emotions and even if it causes positive emotions and you're happy to see your ex, there's usually some sort of negative undertone.
It's very unnatural to date somebody and be incredibly close to them and then one day break up and then become complete strangers.
It's a very unnatural experience and it's very painful and it's very weird and it's very complicated.
And today I'm going to do my best to give you advice about it, okay?
So without further ado, let's begin.
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Now, let's get back to the episode.
Somebody said, I broke up with my boyfriend, but he still loves me and wants to stay in touch. What do I do?
Well, a lot of people do not recommend staying in touch after a breakup.
I'm one of those people, I tend to believe that it's best to give each other at least a few months of space after the breakup to properly start the healing process.
Otherwise, it's impossible.
If you stay in touch, it's impossible.
Every time you speak to your ex, it's like ripping off the bandaid again from the wound that was created from the breakup.
And then like pouring salt into it and like putting bacteria into it and like causing an infection.
And then, you know, when you stop talking again, then you start healing again and you know you put Neosporin on it and you put a Band -aid and maybe you get stitches and it's good and then you talk to them again and then you rip out all the stitches and then you pour more salt in it and then you see what I'm saying?
It's like kind of impossible to heal if you're still in contact because every time you talk, you're ripping off the Band -Aid again and making the wound worse.
However, that's not a one -size -fits -all sort of solution or path forward. Everybody's different, every relationship is different.
And you have to ask yourself what you need.
Listen, your ex might still love you and they might really wanna stay in contact.
But now that you're broken up, you need to ask yourself what you need.
You're not in a partnership with this person anymore.
Their needs are no longer your responsibility.
And they weren't really before, but when you are in a relationship, But you do need to be more attentive.
You do need to pay attention.
You do need to be more thoughtful of your partner's feelings.
In theory, you know, that's, I think healthy.
But once you're broken up, you are now like there is no relationship anymore.
You are back in a relationship with yourself in a new way.
You should always have a relationship with yourself, even when you're in a romantic relationship with somebody else.
But you're not taking any of your attention and putting it on anyone else anymore.
anymore. Now your attention needs to be on yourself again.
Maybe your friends and your family and your loved ones.
But anyway, it doesn't matter.
You are not putting effort into compromising with this person anymore.
You're not together anymore.
So forget what your ex wants.
Forget what's going to make them happy.
That's not your concern anymore.
Now it's you. What do you want?
And if you know deep down that it's best for both of you, but especially you to be in a situation where there's no contact, potentially indefinitely, maybe for a certain amount of months, then that's what you need to communicate to your ex. You need to say, listen, neither of us are going to be able to heal, but especially me, I'm not going to be able to heal if we're still in contact, so this just isn't going to work.
Sorry, it's just not going to work.
If I see you around, great.
Wish me a happy birthday maybe, but that's it.
This isn't going to work.
Also, if you're concerned about potentially, you know, getting back together irrationally because you're in so much pain from the breakup, you both are in so much pain from the breakup that potentially you get back together irrationally, and that's something that you really don't want to do.
You know, whatever the reason is, if that is how you feel, that is absolutely okay and fine, and that is what you need to communicate to your ex. However, if you're like, you know what, I'm not fully ready to let go.
I want to continue to be in contact with my ex. I mean, there are definitely risks involved.
I mentioned them already.
You might get back together even though it's a bad idea because things probably have not changed yet.
It takes a long time, sometimes it takes forever or it never even happens.
For people to evolve and change into a way that makes them compatible with you, it might also extend the healing process to an excruciatingly long time.
you know I think as long as you're aware of the risks of continuing to talk, if you decide that what you really want to do is stay in contact that's also okay.
But you also should be aware that that's gonna be really really painful for your ex who still loves you.
Like it's gonna be so turbulent for them.
I don't know I always err on the side of no contact at least for like six months.
But if you absolutely can't handle that, and you're aware of the risks, but you're willing to risk it, then do that.
It's ultimately up to you, but you got to know the risks of staying in contact.
That shit gets frickin' messy.
It feels good, but it's a mess.
It is a mess. You can't heal.
You really can't heal.
All right. Moving on.
Somebody said, I'm over my ex and don't want to be with him, but I do still think about him in our breakup daily.
Is that normal? Absolutely.
And if it's not, both of us are freaks.
Because, I mean I don't think about my exes every day.
I mean I have a few of them, I have quite a few of them, but there have been long periods after each ex where I've thought about them daily.
Sometimes it's taken a few months to stop thinking about them daily, other times it's taken years.
With my more serious relationships, it's absolutely taken years.
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Even when I've moved on, it doesn't matter, you know?
Like, I think my first relationship is a great example of that.
It took me probably three and a half, four years to fully stop thinking about that relationship on a consistent basis, because it was so monumental.
It was so impactful, and I didn't fully get over it for a really long time.
I think it's absolutely normal.
And again, that goes back to what I said in the beginning of this episode.
It's so unnatural to be that close with somebody, to literally be naked in front of them, have sex with them, poop with them around, not maybe in the bathroom with you, but around.
Tell them everything, talk to them every day, know every single detail about their life.
and then all of a sudden one day you break up.
Usually not out of nowhere, you know, but you break up and then there's this jarring split where now it's not ideal to be talking to them and you know nothing about them and it's very uncomfortable.
And a lot of us find comfort in the sort of routine of knowing what's going on with our partner and then when that's ripped away from us there's something like really, I don't know, our partners bring us a sense of foundation.
in. Our partners are very significant people in our lives.
They can become almost like family in a way.
Not in an incestual way but in like a, oh my God, we're so close, we're like familial in that way.
Again, not in an incestual way but you get what I'm saying.
They even technically become family.
They're going to our Christmases, they're going to our Thanksgivings, they're going on vacations with us.
We sleep with them in bed almost every night.
You know what I'm saying?
They become a part of our foundation and when we break up, a piece of our foundation is ripped from beneath us and we're no longer standing on as sturdy of ground metaphorically and it feels uncomfortable and scary and weird. And in a weird way, I think thinking about our exes, checking in on what our exes are on social media you know asking around about what they've been up to whenever we can or whatever that type of behavior I think is normal because it's our attempt to fill that void in our foundation like try to feel close to them in a way because that brought us a level of strength that brought
us like foundation now it's gone and the closest we can get to that feeling again is And just knowing what they're up to, thinking about them everyday, feeling connected to them in, you know, more abstract ways like that, I think it's natural, I think it's normal, and I think it makes complete sense.
And unfortunately, there's no way to expedite the process.
Like, listen, I fucking wish I could go to a, well, I guess I could technically do this.
It's tempting to like go to a hypnotist and be like, can you just hypnotize me so that I don't think about my ex anymore?
It's especially challenging when you found somebody new and you're like, oh my God, this person's great.
This person's so much better.
I moved onto this person, I'm fully committed to this person, but I'm still fucking thinking about my ex because you're just not moved on yet for whatever reason, completely.
You're maybe moved on in the sense that you don't wanna get back together with them, but you're not moved on in the sense that they're still in your head.
You know, you still are sort of connected to them in some way.
It sucks. It fucking sucks.
But there is no other remedy for that than time.
you know, you just have to be patient with yourself.
And listen, there are ways to sort of pivot your mindset and be like, okay, you know what, we're thinking about our ex, let's think about something else.
You know, you can find different ways to sort of reroute your train of thought.
If you start thinking about your ex, maybe you sort of decide, like, okay, every time I think about my ex, I'm gonna retrain my brain to start thinking about like this creative project, or I'm gonna go do chores.
Like, I don't know, there are ways to train your brain to stop thinking about your ex, but to be honest, I think the only thing that solves it is time.
Sorry. But to answer your question, I think it's normal, and I have done it after every single relationship for months to years, and I don't think that there's anything wrong with that.
And to be honest, your ex is thinking about you every day too, okay?
Okay we tend to assume that we are down worse than our exes.
Sometimes it's true to an extent, but breakups are hard for absolutely everyone.
Everyone, even if your ex cheated on you, like it doesn't matter, it's always hard. Because being that close to somebody, being that bonded to somebody, means something to everybody, it's a deep significant emotion for everybody.
So, it's impossible to break up and then immediately forget about your ex. And it's especially challenging if you or your ex maybe move on quickly because maybe you just found somebody new who's awesome.
And then the person who didn't move on quickly is like, oh my God, they obviously, you know, never loved me that deeply.
They just moved on in like six months, like how is that even possible?
They still are thinking about you every day.
Eventually, they won't, and eventually you won't, but you know what I'm saying here?
Anyway. Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, I still feel like my ex is the only person who has ever understood me, and I'm scared there isn't anyone else out there for me.
Another soulmate. How do I move on?
I'm about to say something that might come off as rude, and I do not mean it like that, but I've felt this way before.
And then at some point, somebody said what I'm about to say to me, either through the internet, meaning they didn't say it directly to me, they just said it on the internet and I heard it or somebody said it to me.
I don't remember, but this stuck with me even though I can't remember who said it.
And I'm gonna butcher it too.
I have no idea even how to word it.
I just have the vague idea in my head.
There are seven, maybe even eight billion people on this planet and we are all beautifully unique and special, and individual, and that's awesome, but at the same time, we're not so special and so unique and so different that there's only one other person out there in the world that understands us.
Does that make sense?
Like, we're not that special.
We're not that different, we're not that unique, we're not that hard to understand.
And the same goes for our partners, right?
Like our partner is not so special, so unique, that there's not anyone else out there.
Listen, I'm all about cherishing and celebrating our uniqueness.
And I am not trying to take away our individuality because I do think that we are all, you know what I'm saying, like I'm not trying to degrade humankind here.
To me it's actually sort of a beautiful thing that humanity has arranged.
There are only so many different types of personalities and the moral of the story is there is absolutely somebody else out there for you.
Your ex is not the only person on the planet who understands you.
that from like a statistics standpoint or like a like a numbers standpoint, doesn't add up.
The idea that out of the seven, eight billion people on the planet, there's only one person on this planet that's ever gonna understand you.
I'm sorry. It just doesn't add up.
Like mathematically, it doesn't add up, you know?
And that really helped me when I was going through my first breakup because I was like, I've never experienced a feeling like this where I felt like, you know, so deeply connected to somebody like this.
There's no way I'll ever feel that way again.
And, you know, I will say in defense of your fear, you will never feel the exact same way again with someone else.
You know, your unique experience and your unique set of feelings with your ex are unique to that person.
The way that they understand you is unique to them And you'll never find something exactly like it again, but there's a good chance that you could find something better or just as good but just a little bit different.
You know what I'm saying?
It's a normal feeling to be like, oh my God, I'm never going to be able to outdo this feeling.
I'm never going to be able to replicate it.
And that is somewhat true because it'll never be exactly the same, but it'll be just as good or better if you keep searching.
I really do believe that.
And in my experiences throughout my life, in many different romantic relationships, I actually think that for the most part, my feelings of love and understanding have progressively gotten deeper and better for the most part in every relationship.
Not really, there's been some like, if you were to look at the overall trajectory over the last what, how many years have I been dating people?
like seven, eight years, if I look at the trajectory of everybody I've dated, there's been some moments where like it's gone down, like the quality has gone down and then gotten back up and then gone down again and then gone way back up.
It's fluctuated, but the overall trajectory is improvement.
Like from my first relationship ever to my more recent relationships, you know what I mean?
The improvement is like exponential from an understanding standpoint, from a connection standpoint, from a chemistry standpoint, things have only gotten better and that's because I know from all these experiences what I'm looking for now.
I know what that click feels like even more so.
I'm building on what I want in a relationship and it's making my eye, like I have a more keen eye in dating now.
And so my relationship quality is improving over time.
So don't be afraid, but also there is a slim chance, I'm saying slim because I don't know, usually after you break up, it's like, okay, there's probably a reason why that didn't work, but there's still a slim chance that that is the person for you, that's not out of the question either.
Sometimes it's right person, wrong time, that absolutely happens, and I absolutely believe in that.
Do I think it's somewhat rare?
Yes, because I think a lot of times we say that to ourselves to comfort ourselves in a breakup, but then ultimately like two, three years later, we're like, wait a minute.
Thank God we broke up.
Like that was a catastrophe.
And on to greener pastures.
But don't necessarily discount this person and say like, well, we broke up.
So I guess, it has to be over forever.
Not necessarily, I mean, I think it's best to try to move on.
And if you find each other again later, that's beautiful, but that is absolutely possible.
So you should keep your mind open and not be like, well, that was it, you know, that's the best I'm ever going to do and be closed minded like that because even if this person is who you're going to ultimately marry and have a family with one day because this person is perfect for you, or not, there's no such thing as perfect for you, but this person is just ultimately who you're meant to be with, you could still technically find somebody else who could be equally as good.
I don't necessarily believe in like soulmate.
I don't know. I go back and forth on it.
My opinion on it is ever -changing but right now in this exact moment, I don't believe in the soulmate of it all.
Weirdly, I think, I believed in the soulmate of it all more when I was in unhealthy relationships where I was dating avoidant guys that didn't fully like me back.
I almost was turning to the concept of soulmate out of like desperation, like how do I explain this?
I was like, I don't feel like he fully loves me but we're soul mates, right?
So we're going to be together forever, right?
Because we're soul mates.
Whereas more recently, in more healthier experiences, I don't feel the need to almost turn to a spiritual.
I'm just like, this relationship is good and beautiful now.
And I think that he loves me and I love him, and I trust that the feeling is mutual.
I'm not like, but we're soulmates and we'll end up together and he likes me, right?
I'm not on edge, I'm calm, you know?
So, I don't know, the concept of soulmates, I think is complicated.
I'm not saying it's not real.
I'm not saying I fully understand it.
I'm not saying ... But my experiences, I tend to think in terms of soulmate when I'm in an insecure relationship.
It's just there's a weird connection there.
So, keep an eye out for that.
But anyway, ultimately your question was, how do I move on?
You move on by convincing yourself that that is a limiting belief, by convincing yourself that that is not true, because it's not, and then going with the flow, okay?
Not forcing anything.
Don't force yourself to find someone new.
Don't force yourself to get back together with your ex. Let things come, you know what I'm saying?
Like, don't chase a track, just let things come, okay?
Let yourself flirt with whoever you want to flirt with.
If you really want to text your ex and be like, let's go get fucking coffee, God dammit, it's been a year, let's just do it.
Do it. Why not? Follow your intuition, follow your gut, let things come.
Let things come. Okay, next somebody said, how do I deal with my family wanting my ex to still be involved in my life?
We are family friends and it's hard to properly cope while we still see each other almost every week.
This is incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly, incredibly challenging.
It is so challenging because again, as I mentioned earlier, it is so hard to heal when you're around each other all the time.
And the truth of the matter is, I think in this situation, it's just an unfortunate circumstance where you are ultimately being faced with a more challenging healing period, healing experience, healing journey, these are just the cards that you were dealt.
For majority of people it's up to them if they do no contact or whatever, it is out of your control.
This is a family friend, you don't have a choice.
So I think you have to accept that your healing journey is going to be more challenging Because you see them every week.
Because every week you have to rip off the bandaid and you have to pour salt into the wound and then put the bandaid back on and it burns and it stings and it starts to get infected and then by the end of the week it's starting to look a little bit better and then you rip the bandaid off all over again.
You have to sort of accept that this is the cards that you were dealt in your life.
This is just, this is what happens when you date a family friend.
You know, this is how this works.
this is a risk that you take when you date somebody who you know that you're gonna have to see frequently if you ever break up, that's a risk you take.
So I think to start, you need to sort of accept this circumstance.
I do think it's unhealthy to avoid family get togethers.
Like I don't think that that's healthy.
Maybe there's a way that you could figure out like okay, you know what, I'm gonna avoid situations where I know my ex is gonna be around in family gatherings for the next three months, just so that I can get over the hump and start to heal a little bit.
Maybe you figure something out with your family or your family, friends, family, where like maybe you and the ex switch off every week, like every gathering that there is, you switch off.
Maybe there's a way that for a certain period of time, you guys can do that to start to heal.
But if that's not realistic, then I honestly think, I I genuinely don't have any further advice.
My advice is you have to just accept that your healing process is going to take longer because you're going to be exposed to this person.
And I think communication and boundaries with your ex are going to be so important.
You know, discuss what's going to make it easiest for each other.
Do you want to talk to each other?
Do you want to avoid each other?
Like what is going to make the experience as seamless as possible?
It's it's think. But I would say in general, in your life, I think it's really important to develop a really strong life outside of the relationship.
That should be your focus during this time because you need it even more than the average person going through a breakup.
You more than anyone need to have hobbies, need to like pick up a guitar and start playing guitar, need to start drawing, need to start going to pottery classes, need to start going to yoga classes.
You need to be disciplined with yourself and be taking care of yourself.
You need to create a really solid, positive lifestyle because that really helps with challenging moments.
When your life is good, challenges aren't as challenging.
They're still absolutely challenging.
But it's like, if you had a really beautiful, great productive, awesome week, when you see you know your ex at the end of the week with your family, it might still hurt but it'll hurt less because you feel good.
You know what I mean?
Your baseline is is stronger so I would definitely recommend you know focus on yourself as much as you possibly can so that you're in as good of a place as possible whenever you're faced with this which it sounds like it's kind of frequently and I ultimately just wish walk because I know it's tough.
Next, somebody said, feeling lost in love.
Broke up with my four year relationship and I'm having fun with friends and family but I do miss him.
Do I stick with being single?
It sounds like you're asking me do I stick with being single or do I get back together with my ex?
In these types of moments you need to ask yourself why did we break up?
Was it because one of you was dealing with a psychological challenge and wanted to deal with it on your own?
Was it because you weren't compatible?
Was it because you were both deeply unhappy?
Was it because, why?
Now you need to ask yourself, is that something that could be resolved by now?
If we were to get back together now, would it be different?
Is it even possible that it could be different?
If you are not compatible in the relationship for the most part there is a good chance that that is not resolved.
You know what I'm saying?
That may never be resolved.
That's a fundamental issue that may never, probably will never be fixed.
If you broke up because you moved to another city but then you like move back and now you guys are in the same city again and you miss him and you're like well maybe we'll try it again.
Okay maybe that wasn't more of a locational issue and you guys didn't I wanna do long distance, okay, maybe that makes sense then.
Like, truly ask yourself, is it gonna be different this time?
Does it make sense to get back together?
Is there like a rational reason to try it again?
Most of the time, you're gonna find the answer's no, and you broke up for a reason, and if you were to get back together now, things wouldn't be different, and so it's best to not open that door.
It's completely normal to miss your ex and be like, I would love to hang out with them right now.
I'm actually enjoying my life.
my life is fun, but I really miss them, and I actually wish that they were a part of my life still.
I want to reintegrate them into my life.
It's normal to feel that way.
But most of the time when you look a bit deeper, you'll realize that your feelings are irrational.
You know, or no, they're not irrational.
Your feelings of missing your ex are completely rational and normal.
But your feelings of wanting to get back together with your ex are usually irrational because they're rooted in deep emotion of being sad and of mourning the relationship.
They're not rooted in like, well, logistically, it's been six months, and you know, so that means that they've probably worked through this, this, and that problem.
No, they probably haven't.
They're the exact, the majority of the time, they're the exact same as they were when you broke up.
Nothing will be different.
Things might even be worse.
Who knows? But, I will say I've heard some beautiful love stories about people who have broken up and then gotten back together later and it's been beautiful the second time around and both people learned and evolved and changed and realized, you know what, I ultimately do want to be with this person and I learn so much from the failures of the last relationship and I'm ready to try again and it's successful and they get married and they have children and, you know, everything is happy ever after.
So you know it's not necessarily out of the question like maybe it does make sense to get back together at some point but I think in order to make that decision you have to be healed to the point where you're okay with the concept of it not being them like you need to be coming from a place of strength where you're like I could live without them but I've dated around I've seen my options and to be honest like they're still the best I ever had and I want to try again.
You know? Yeah. Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, I dated this guy for a really short time in the summer and for some reason it's the hardest relationship for me to get over.
Why this one? Help.
I get it. I get it.
You want to know why it's so much harder to get over somebody that you never dated?
Because they were never real to you.
Real people are deeply flawed. And the more you get to know somebody, the more aware you become of their flaws and if you love somebody truly, you accept those flaws as characteristics of the person that you love and you find ways to manage those unfavorable qualities.
to manage those unfavorable qualities.
But to truly know a person, to truly be close to a person is to be aware of their flaws.
If you never dated this person, then you were never close enough with them to truly see their flaws.
Your perception of them was them being on their best behavior because you weren't that close, so they were still on their best behavior, combined with what you imagine them to be.
You were filling in all the gaps where their flaws would be with these beautiful ideas of how romantic they probably are, how like, I don't know, like hot they are, how mysterious they are.
Like I don't know, you're filling in the gaps with all this romantic, fake, imaginative bullshit.
Your perception of this person was based on illusion 100%.
Your own illusion and the illusion that they were giving you because they're on their best behavior.
Because you were in the honeymoon stage, if even that.
You were in the beginning stages.
You didn't even know each other.
That's why it's so hard because you have nothing to grasp onto that was negative.
It's really helpful when going through a break up to be like, I'm really sad, I'm in a lot of pain, I really love this person, but also they fucking sucked in all these different ways.
There's something really helpful about that.
That is something that we all grasp onto when we're going through a break up.
We find the flaws in our ex and we hold onto those for dear life because that's what helps us find peace in the breakup.
If you never even dated them and you never saw the flaws, you have nothing to grasp onto.
That's why it's so hard. So to try to help the discomfort, remind yourself that there were flaws and there are flaws about this person that you have no idea about that would probably drive you fucking crazy, okay?
They are there, they are in that person, you just don't know what they are because you never got close enough.
But I think to remind yourself that they had flaws that would probably drive you fucking crazy is helpful.
And it's hard to imagine because we tend to see people, especially people we have a crush on or something with rose colored glasses.
And so it can be really hard to like break that pattern of thought and be like, no, they actually are a flawed person because from all we know, no, they're not, they're perfect.
But I really encourage you to remind yourself whenever you can that they're probably a nightmare because everyone's a nightmare.
Dating is a nightmare.
Dating even the most perfect person for you is a fucking nightmare sometimes.
That is inevitable.
And I'd argue, if you're in a relationship and you don't have moments where you're like, oh, my God, this is a nightmare.
Like, I can't, this is horrible.
You're lying to yourself.
Maybe that's a hot take.
But I think the whole point of relationships is that there's push and there's pull and both of you make mistakes and then you help each other learn from them.
thing. And sometimes you take shit out on each other and you show each other the worst and darkest sides of yourselves and then together you work on improving on those sides or you learn how to deal with them and then that teaches you how to be a more patient person.
The reason why relationships can be so beautifully educational as students of life is because it's challenging.
you know? So anyways, yeah, this guy that you dated for a really short time in the summer is basically it's like an imaginary friend, okay?
This is not even a real person at this point.
You didn't date him for long enough.
So you think he's perfect because you absolutely know nothing about him.
He's still a stranger to you.
Yeah, maybe you had sex. Yeah, maybe you talked really late that one night.
I don't give a fuck.
You don't know him yet.
You don't know him until you've seen him angry, until you've seen him upset, until you've seen him cry about something until you've gotten into a fight.
You don't know him yet, yeah.
Yeah. Okay, moving on.
Somebody said, what to do if I broke things off with a guy who loved me so much and now two months later I want him back?
I actually think I've discussed something like this on advice session before but I can't remember.
Either way, it doesn't matter because we all need to be reminded of this moral dilemma, okay.
Because it's not a fun one.
Well, I think to start, you need to accept that you made a decision.
You made a decision.
You made the decision to break things off with this person when you did and now you're starting over with this person.
You have to win them over all over again if they're even available to be won over.
They owe you nothing, you know what I'm saying?
And I think breakups are often not thought about as deeply as they should be.
I think a lot of people think immediately when they're going through a rough patch in a relationship, like oh, this is unfixable.
Things were so awesome for so long.
You know, and now all of a sudden they suck.
So I guess we have to break up now.
Relationships have ups and downs.
And you know, it's up to you to decide what ups and downs you're willing to go through.
But I think we tend to have an issue that breaks up too easily in society today.
Like because of hookup culture and the weight being removed from relationships.
Relationships and sex and all these things used to hold a lot of weight, and now they hold less, and people are much less willing to work through challenge I think than they used to be.
Because I think the decision of marriage, losing your virginity, these things you saved and you waited until it was the perfect person you thought.
You put a lot of weight on it, and then when challenges would arise, you would handle them because you committed to this person and you showed that commitment through losing your virginity to them and all of these things.
And I'm not saying that that's necessarily the right way to look at it.
I'm just saying that that is how it used to be perceived.
And now it's like sex is less taboo, casual sex is much more popular.
Casual dating is much more popular.
or there's just less, the relationship today is less sacred.
And as a result, we'll just break up any time shit gets tough, because we're like, fuck it, I'll find somebody else, I could go on an app tonight and find somebody else to have sex with immediately.
You know what I'm saying?
And I don't care, so it's just a different mindset.
And again, I'm not saying one is right or one is wrong, they both probably have their flaws, they both do have their flaws.
But I think that this is an opportunity, you in this moment realizing two months after breaking things off with a guy who really loved you, you're realizing, oh my God, I fucked up.
I want to get back together.
And you're faced with this sort of pain of like, oh my God, did I, I made the wrong decision.
And I think a lot of people are faced with this nowadays because we break up so easily.
And it's not fair to the other person, you know.
know, we need to really think when we break up with people.
We need to really try to make it work.
You know, there are moments in every relationship where you're gonna be like, I want to break up, but breaking up is not the right idea.
Do you know what I mean?
Instead, it's an opportunity for both of you to grow.
It's an opportunity to even strengthen your relationship through facing the challenge together.
And if you just run away the second that things get challenging, then you will regret it and you will also not learn.
So my first piece of advice is to take this as a learning experience, because there's a chance that you might not get this guy back.
Listen, you can go back to him and apologize and say, I was wrong.
I wanna be together.
I took your love for granted.
Yeah, you can go back and do the whole thing and say the whole thing.
He might not take you back because you hurt him.
he loved you and you did not love him equally for whatever reason and you didn't try to look inside and figure out what did I, why am I not able to love him back?
Why do I not want to be with him?
He loves me so much, why don't I?
You didn't look inward. Instead, you just said, let's break up and then two months later, you regretted it.
Now, he's hurting so he might not take you back and that's something you might have to accept.
Either way, you need to learn from this experience but you're not a bad person.
I know I just kind of was hard on you for a moment.
It is okay to make, it's okay to make mistakes.
We're gonna make mistakes in relationships.
I'm being harsh because I think that this is a really important learning opportunity.
And if you don't learn from it, you'll do it again and this feeling fucking sucks.
So hopefully you learn from it.
And you know what? I wish you luck.
If you really did love you a lot, there's a good chance he'll take you back.
But you never know and you might have to move on and take it as a lesson so that you never do it again.
And that's it, that's it.
That is all I have for today, that's it.
I hope you all enjoyed it.
And if you did, tune into Anything Goes every Thursday and Sunday on YouTube or Spotify if you wanna watch, or just anywhere you stream podcasts if you wanna listen.
Anything Goes is on social media, at Anything Goes.
I'm on social media, at Emma Chamberlain.
My coffee company is ChamberlainCoffee .com.
We're potentially even in stores near you.
You can check out the store locator online.
We're on social media at Chamberlain Coffee and we have a cafe in Los Angeles if you want to go check that out and you're in the area.
And I think that that's all I have to say.
I hope that you all enjoyed this advice session.
I hope that you got something from it.
I kind of have to go pee so I'm going to go do that.
I'm going to go handle that.
And I guess I'll talk to you all later.
I absolutely love you and appreciate you and it's always a pleasure when we get to hang out via Anything Goes podcast. I love getting to hang out with you, so thank you for hanging out with me.
And I'll talk to you very, very soon.
Okay. Love you all.
Talk to you later. Bye.
