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Okay, let's get started.
Hey, Jessica, welcome to Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
Hi, guys.
Thanks for having me.
Hey, Jessica, how are you?
Oh, this is a dream come true.
I'm having a great time.
Okay, well, you're masking it very well.
I just finished office hours.
I was like, I took up her panel all too.
So I'm like beta blocker up, you know.
Great.
I love my collars to be drugged up.
That's the best way.
Listen, I'm a doctor.
I can get these prescriptions easily.
Jessica, where are you right now?
I am in New Jersey, like Jersey Shore, Monmouth County.
Okay, very.
And you are, it says here you're an OBGYN.
Is that correct?
That's right.
That's right, baby.
Very good.
Is that how you always respond when people say, are you an OBGYN?
Yes, baby.
They're in stirrups, and I'm like, hey, baby.
It doesn't go over well every time, but I'm a very specific type of doctor.
I get very specific type of patients.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, there's so much to talk about here.
First of all, have we met before?
Because someone said you came to a taping or two back in the day.
I mean, yeah, when I was in high school, I lived in Jersey.
We would pop into the city.
So I went to a lot of your tapings.
Oh, wow.
Cool.
And yeah, I mean, obsessed.
And then my mom has like a ticket stub from one time we went to see you in 1999.
Wow.
Cool.
And we had met Fabio at that taping.
Oh, my God.
I should point out, Fabio was an intern at the time for our show.
Yes.
And so we took this picture.
It was before smartphone.
So it was one of those throwaway cameras.
And then, after my mom took the picture with him, he grabbed my mom, dipped her backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad and then like, walked away.
And then a month later, he got hit in the face with the goose on the roller coaster.
Okay.
Do you remember his face exploded on a roller coaster?
That's such an incredible.
What an incredible sentence.
Let's think about that sentence.
He did my mom backwards, kissed her on the mouth in front of my dad.
And a month later, got hit on a roller coaster by a goose.
What an amazing, you know.
Incredible piece of writing that is.
It really is.
A series of images cascading into each other.
At the lampoon, you wish.
You wish.
I know.
Oh, never.
I never could have thought of anything like that in my glory days.
So, okay.
Well, there's a lot to, as my wife would say, there's a lot to unpack there.
So Fabio was kissing women.
I hope that's been discouraged on Fabio now.
I would have carried a spray bottle around Fabio and sprayed him like a bad cat.
You would you spray him with I can't believe it's not butter.
OK, that was his big campaign.
Right.
That's right.
He was the shill for I can't believe it's not butter.
I would have tongued it.
You would have tongue-tied him?
My mom would have.
She was like, let's go.
We're going to go full throttle.
Sona would have bent him over backwards.
Put your hands through his hair.
Sona's twice as strong as...
As Fabio.
Wow.
OK, so that's so nice.
I'm glad you came to the shows and I hope you had a good time.
Was your dad traumatized by seeing your mom attacked by Fabio?
My dad's from Brooklyn, so he wasn't having it.
And I think my dad has some sort of superpowers where he put some sort of hex on, like on fabio, and that's why he got hit by a goose in the face like a month later.
Have you have?
This is a pretty famous piece of tape.
I guess he was on a roller coaster and and he and his nose is bleeding and everything, and yeah yeah, there he is bleeding.
And it was apparently.
It was apparently a brooklyn goose.
The goose was paid by your dad.
And... Look how pristine his face was here.
Pristine.
Yeah, pristine.
Never again.
Never again.
He... So...
I want to talk to you about your profession.
You are, first of all, it's an incredible, incredible job to have.
You're around so many births and you're bringing new life into the world.
Tell us about that.
Does it you get jaded or do you still see the miracle every time?
I think the day I'm like, oh, this is not amazing is the day I should just hang it up.
Every time I do an ultrasound and I see a heartbeat for the first time for a patient, I'm amazed.
Every time a baby takes its first breath and cries, I'm like, this is so amazing.
Shout out to Gorley, who I know is on his paternity leave.
He's on paternity leave, yeah.
Congratulations to him.
He's on paternity leave.
He's got two children now.
And we're all excited for him.
And Sona, of course, has experienced this miracle herself with twins.
Yeah.
But you got over it real fast.
I was just like, let's get on with it.
Let's do this.
Get them out.
Let's go.
We got to hit the club.
She took her newborns to the club.
Well, I only have one daughter.
I was one and done.
And I feel like it's because I do so much with my patients.
I really live through their pregnancies with them.
And it's a beautiful thing.
I wish it happened during normal business hours.
I think it's kind of a bummer that they like to come in the middle of the night, the babies.
It's pretty rude.
Is it true that you've been accused of trying to induce between nine and five?
None of your babies are born on that.
Any kind of bank holiday, they're not born.
Everyone's like, oh, you have to go play golf or something.
I don't play golf.
Like, what year is this?
But yeah, so I wish it happened during normal business hours.
It doesn't.
But I picked this when I was in my 20s.
Now I'm in my 40s.
I'm feeling a little old, a little schleppy, but it's okay.
I still love it.
Uh, so I'm curious there's so many things to what are the things that you do immediately after the birth?
What are the, uh, what happened?
The baby's born.
Um, and I've been through this twice with my kids.
Uh, I was there very present, very present for both, uh, Why do you stress it?
You saw things?
I saw so many things.
And then it's so funny how...
You can kind of forget.
I don't know what you can.
You can kind of almost black out afterwards.
And so I'm trying to remember what happens.
I mean, yes, there's the cutting of the umbilical cord.
The dads black out a lot.
They literally pass out a lot.
I didn't pass out.
Thank you.
Thank you so much for that.
Because the dads are always falling down and we're always like we don't have time for you right now.
Little bitches.
Yeah, we have smelling salts like come on, uh.
But the cutting of the cord yes, the dads like to do that.
I'm not sure how that became a thing, but if that makes them feel included, i'm all for it.
Well, it's so funny because i didn't ask to cut the cord, but the doctor said now you cut the cord?
And he handed me the scissors and i thought well, am i getting paid here?
You know what i mean.
Oh, I'm serious.
When I have a plumber over and he hands me the wrench, I'm like okay, I wanna, am I getting a third?
So that was my complaint compensated.
And I was worried about unions.
I don't want it to be a union violation.
Right.
Right.
OK.
So that was my concern.
I always tell the dads it's thicker than you think.
It's like cutting chicken because they kind of like take like little bites out of it.
But you got to really go for the gusto.
It's thicker than you think.
Yeah.
But the baby goes right on mommy's abdomen.
We do delayed cord clamping, get some blood flow back into baby.
We want to do that skin to skin for that first hour.
A lot of bonding.
Our hospital is really about mom and baby bonding.
And but, yeah, we get them to stimulate and cry and give us that good first.
How do you get them to cry?
Do you just tell them sad stuff?
Yes, actually, I tell them no.
A shocking number of Americans can't read.
Babies are like, what?
I hold them up and spank them on the butt, but we don't do that anymore.
40% of government buildings have asbestos.
Wah!
Wah!
So I just sometimes flick its little foot, like underneath its foot.
You go like this.
Yeah.
And it pisses them off.
Sure.
Pisses me off just hearing about it.
I know.
It's all about pissing the babies off, getting them that good cry.
But we have such a great team at our hospital.
Our nurses are so great bedside.
So I'm very lucky and I do really love my job.
What kinds of things could you teach me?
You're very hyper aware of the female body.
And there are probably things, believe it or not, that even I wouldn't be aware of.
You know what I mean?
And maybe this is a good thing.
This is a good chance for me to know some things.
If you can impart to me any wisdom.
Well, I think knowing anatomy is really important.
Erogenous zones.
What are those things that could.
Right.
Well, man, we got to really start from the beginning.
Yeah.
Just I think a big thing that sometimes men don't know is that women have more than two holes.
They have three holes.
So that's always.
Wait, what are we talking about here?
What are you talking about?
Wait what, right?
Yeah no, he's more specific because i honestly, suddenly it's a bowling ball.
What do we?
Yes, urinate through one hole right huh urinate urinate yeah peepees peepees yeah yeah uh-huh peepees, poopoos.
Yes, of course right.
And then baby come out of the vagina.
Yeah, so that's three.
He's scared of the word vagina, But it's the urethra, the vagina.
Oh, really?
Urethra, the anus.
Anus, right, Sona?
We're going to use our doctor words, I guess.
I said pee-pee and poo-poo, so.
Tell me about your medical school.
Right.
How did that even happen?
So I'm sure you went to poo poo poo poo you.
So, OK, so the erogenous zones, you could help any man know about the erogenous zones.
Yeah.
Or the clitoris is I feel like there's a clitoris.
Listen, there's a book you should read.
As far as I'm concerned, that's Sasquatch.
You hear a lot of talk, but I've seen no evidence.
Here's a blurry photo of a clitoris.
Yeah, I've seen that photo.
If you're going to be talking bullshit on this thing.
I am a clitoris denier.
Oh, no.
We have enough misinformation online.
We have flat earthers.
Now we have clitoris deniers.
He's got a blurry photo from 1938 of a clitoris running between two trees.
See it right there?
I don't know.
This was taken by a Scottish hiker.
Wow.
Okay.
Well, yeah.
Wow.
I could teach you how to do a circumcision.
Oh, okay.
Hey, how do you do those?
I'm curious.
I mean...
How do you know how does one what's the tool that's used for circumcision?
I've been to.
I have been to many brises and I've many, many Jewish friends and I've been to brises, but you can't really see what's going on.
And I've tried to fight for good look and they say that's inappropriate.
I've been shoved by rabbis.
Because it's weird when a guy is saying, hey, I want to see that kid's dick.
People get freaked out, you know?
Hey, let me in there.
I got to see that kid's dick.
People get freaked out.
I don't know why.
So, um, and I know that now I can see why that's an issue, but what is the tool that's used?
So different people use different tools.
I like to use something called a Mogan.
So it looks like a cigar cutter and you just pull up the foreskin and you go across the And then you clamp it down and then you lop it off of the scalpel.
And does the kid cry a lot after that?
So, no, we actually do dorsal nerve blocks of injecting lidocaine.
They get a sugar pacifier.
We play music.
It's like a spa experience.
So it's not traumatic for the kid.
I mean, it might be.
They can't tell me.
But we try not to make it dramatic.
Hey, how convenient for you.
Honestly, they're the best patients.
Yeah.
That's interesting.
So you do the old chop on the foreskin.
Then we have the calamari piece.
Yeah, I love this.
Yes, we love that.
That's your joke.
I see.
My favorite joke to do at Briss's is to say hey man, that calamari was really good, because they always have a meal afterwards.
They always serve food at a Briss.
And I say, I love the calamari.
And then the person goes, we don't have calamari.
And I go, oh, yeah.
Now, that joke works because he ate the foreskin thinking it was calamari.
Right, do you get it?
Yeah, yeah, I got it.
Okay.
I'm glad you love that joke.
It's not my favorite thing to do, though.
I don't love to do circumcisions.
Who would?
If anyone said that's my favorite thing to do, that's the red flag right there.
You know what I mean?
Yes, and I try to avoid penises. be doing what I do.
And then they're like, oh, you have to do surgery on the smallest penis possible.
So that's a little weird.
I don't remember booking an appointment with you.
Home run.
Home run.
It's a well for you.
Just a deep well.
You are so happy.
Let's do the chart on this conversation.
I'm the guy with the smallest penis in the world, who insists on checking out a kid's dick at a bris and doesn't believe there's a clitoris.
Right.
That's going to go on your tombstone.
Yeah.
This is...
I lay out comedically, no one lays out more awful information about themselves than I do.
I don't know why that delights me.
But, you know, I will say on the serious side, that is...
What an incredible job to have, because I do think in the modern world we get removed from.
We get removed from birth and death.
We've anesthetized ourselves to it.
And so it's amazing to just to be around.
So much new life would be, I think, very affirming, right?
Be pretty amazing.
And it just keeps going.
You know, during COVID, we were delivering babies nonstop.
That does not stop.
So even though we felt like the world was ending, you saw that it doesn't.
It just keeps going.
Life is just going to keep rolling along.
And it really grounded me and helped me to see that there's so many beautiful things happening every day, even though it felt like the world was ending.
You guys were a huge part of what got us through COVID, too.
Just listening to your podcast was so important.
Kept us laughing, kept us going.
And now that we're through that, I definitely have a deeper relationship and understanding with my patients.
And I love what I do.
I love I really do love my patients.
I get to practice where I grew up.
So I feel connected to my community and I'm very lucky.
That's cool.
I think it's great.
I love that.
You were this teenager coming by checking out our goofy tapings.
And now I'm talking to you all these years later and you're just.
You're a very impressive person Jessica, really seriously and very cool to talk to you, and I love talking to people that have these jobs that are just so impressive.
Yeah.
As a woman.
The relationship we have with our OBs is such an important relationship to be able to say whatever we need to say about our bodies.
It's awesome.
I mean, I love my OB, you know.
It's awesome.
I'm not crying.
My voice is doing something weird.
So you're saying you don't have that relationship with me.
You don't feel like you could tell me anything about your body.
Absolutely.
Do you want to hear about perimenopause and all the symptoms that I'm having?
I don't want to hear about any of it.
See, this is the problem.
You don't want to hear about the word vagina scares.
I don't wanna, we're not doing this right now.
To quote my father, we're not talking about that right now.
Not right now.
He would say that about any time anything came up that he didn't want to deal with him.
Like, we're not talking about that right now.
Oh, I guess we're not ever.
Well, Jessica, really lovely talking to you.
And I hope this is a dream come true.
You guys are all awesome.
I hope we cross paths in person.
That'd be really cool.
And then we can hear more about this fabled clitoris.
I can draw you a picture.
Yeah.
Might as well draw a unicorn as far as I'm concerned.
Thank you for your time.
I'm an idiot.
Thank you, Jessica.
Bye.
Have a great one.
Conan O'Brien needs a fan.
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