When the full moon turns, but that's when i'll come home.
That's such a fucking banger.
It is a banger.
Should we just start the episode like that?
I feel like we should.
Hey weirdos, i'm ash and i'm elena, and this is twilight morbid.
Yeah, this is our bonus episode.
Guys, we're going to be talking about Twilight today.
Oh, my God.
Rewatching this.
OK, first of all, the I feel like this all started like around Halloween.
I came over to record something late night.
And I was like yeah, thanks a lot for making me come over here late night, because I was just watching Twilight.
And Elena stopped dead in her tracks and she goes, why were you watching Twilight?
And I was like, I just wanted to watch it.
And she goes, no.
And earlier I was watching Twilight for no fucking reason either.
For no reason.
It just hit me.
I was like, oh, I want to watch Twilight and just, I want to watch that camp classic again.
Like why on the same day did the book, like it wasn't in a movie lineup.
I was just like searching through movies or you know what?
I was probably searching for like Halloween movies and it was in there and I was like a Halloween movie Twilight.
But I was like, you know what?
I'm going to fucking watch it.
Let's put on some Twilight.
And then we were talking about it and on the pod, you guys were there.
And you guys said, do it.
You guys came through in a big way.
Yes.
A big way.
I have, we've been knee deep in Twilight.
I'm really hoping that you guys dig this episode, because I'm really hoping that you will allow us to do the rest of the movies and the rest of the books.
Here's the thing.
It's going to be fun.
Even if you guys don't like this, I'm just going to pretend that you did.
I think you're going to be down.
I think you're going to love it.
We've been knee deep in it.
I mean, there's so many things to watch on TikTok about it.
So many interviews with the cast.
And then there's this book.
I had followed this person on TikTok.
Her name's Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher.
That book is... It's amazing.
It's a goldmine.
The book is Why We Love and Hate Twilight, the highs and lows of the Twilight saga.
I had followed her on TikTok because she organically came up on my feed and was just talking about something.
I think the first thing I saw was her talking about how, like...
It's real weird that, like Stephanie Meyer, has like an illustrated guide to Twilight and wrote in that illustrated guide.
It's not weird that she has a guide, but it's weird that she wrote that like and we'll get into it that all the pigment gets leached out of your skin when you become a vampire, and was very clear on the fact that you are white, no matter what ethnicity you are.
Yeah.
Yeah, I would classify that as big fucking weird.
And when that popped up on my feed, I said, I'm interested.
And I immediately started following.
Tell me everything, sister.
So right off the bat, she's a great follow.
She's very interesting.
She's really deep in it.
And this book, Why We Love and Hate Twilight.
We'll link it in the show notes because it's a really fun.
It's a quick read.
It's a fun read.
It's hilarious.
She goes into... And all the books, the whole series, all the movies.
Like, she has some really funny takes in here.
Highly recommend it.
But also a gold mine for anything.
You really, if you start wanting to just go down the rabbit hole because let me tell you we're not.
I don't even think we got to go all the way down.
We went so far.
It's been like a few days that we've spent just in the twilight trenches rabbit hole and i could go for like eons, and if we get, we'll do the other movies and we'll go even deeper.
I can't wait.
If you're really interested, definitely check out cast interviews because holy shit.
Robert Pattinson in particular.
I was just going to say.
Robert Pattinson fucking hates these movies, his interviews are wild and he hates the book.
He literally was like when i first read it, i felt like i was reading like stephanie's diary and i was like this is really fucking weird.
Yeah, he was like i shouldn't be reading this.
I don't think anybody should read this.
It's wild and so that's interesting.
And then stephanie myers has had and maintained a website Throughout the process, even before the books were published, where it's a treasure trove of interesting things.
It's like an archive.
Yeah, it's all archived.
There's like fan casting that she wanted for the movie.
For the movies, which is very interesting.
It's still up there.
She wanted Henry Cavill to play Edward really bad.
Not for me.
She wanted that so bad.
I said he was just born 40.
Yeah.
You can't play a 17-year-old even in 2008.
I feel like the picture of him as 17, he looks younger.
He just isn't what I pictured.
He's not what I picture at all.
But also, we were just like... Transparently.
It's embedded in our heads that it's Robert Pattinson.
And not even.
No.
Because transparently for me...
I love Robert Pattinson.
I think he's wildly handsome and I really like him.
I remember watching the movie and when he first came on, I was like disappointed.
That's not what I pictured.
That's so funny.
And I wasn't disappointed because he's ugly or something or like unattractive.
Yeah.
He just wasn't what I pictured in my head.
Yeah.
And so I was like i was like damn, that sucks, like that's not what i thought.
He became more edward to me as it went on yeah, but like i remember being like pretty and actually john, shout out to john he went to the first twilight movie with me because he's a real one yeah, and i remember just looking at him being like that's not who i thought edward was and he was like what he's like.
I'm sorry why.
I feel like we must have had such a different experience reading these for the first time, because you read these at 22, which must have been like quite the adventure.
I read the books came out at in 2005, 2005.
So I was just out of high school.
Well, I think I read them like when the movie started to come out, because it started to be – Oh see, I read them ahead of time.
Okay.
It started to be like a craze.
I read them when I was like 12.
So even just like the age that you were when you read them, I mean.
Yeah.
It must have been so different for us because – Because I was like 18 or something.
I was.
Or like 19.
I think I was like prime fucking age for these books because I thought they were –
Just next level.
Next level.
And I mean, like, props to her.
These books, they hooked everybody.
Yeah.
So, like, I'm not out here saying, like, these are...
I want to reread them because I think it will be a very interesting total reread.
I know.
I wish I still had mine.
I still have mine.
Do you really?
Yeah, they're floating around.
So, like, I'm definitely going to be rereading them.
And, like, props to her for... She told a story.
She did.
And that's what you...
That's what everybody wants to do who wants to like be an author, be a storyteller.
You want to tell a good story.
And she did.
She told one.
She told a good ass story.
Where I think she might have dipped into some issues is where she went a little too far into explaining the lore and the backstories.
Sometimes I think you just, you know, you don't need it.
Sometimes I don't need it.
It's like when you over egg a pudding.
That's the thing.
Sometimes it's like I think just letting the readers and the fans come up with their own headcanons and kind of take things from little bits and pieces you give them is the best way to do it.
Mm-hmm.
Because then it becomes their story.
And it's like they can kind of be.
But when you're giving them too much, you're putting a little too much of your own personal likes and dislikes into the story.
And that can get hairy.
As it does here.
I mean, we just told you the hairiest it could possibly get.
It gets pretty hairy.
Yeah.
So the movie came out in 2008, the first movie.
Like I said, the first book was published in 2005.
According to her website, I'm pretty sure she wrote... First of all, she had a dream.
That's where this all came from.
Yeah.
The dream is very interesting to me.
I'm not.
I'm not like sitting here questioning her reality, but she said what happened was she had a dream, and this dream was when she was watching two people in a meadow.
Like she just, the dream was two people that weren't her in this meadow.
And they were talking.
You know they were an impossibly beautiful boy and a very average looking girl.
Which like, damn.
Which I was like, okay.
And sure.
And they were talking about how in love they were, but how it was going to be hard because he was a vampire and all this shit.
And she just was like, I got to know what's up with these two.
That's interesting.
And I'm not here to – maybe other people dream this way.
I never dream where I'm watching a movie in my dream.
I'm always part of the dream.
I'm not like watching two people have a conversation ever.
No.
I'm always part of – I'm in the mix in my dreams.
Like I'm always – part of what's going on, like even uh, like because the butcher and the wren, my first book, i.
I had a dream when i was pregnant and i was being chased in the dream yeah, by somebody.
You were the right.
I was being chased and i was like who the fuck is that guy?
Right, i was actively in the dream i and again, that's just how i dream.
I don't know if other people dream, And I would be curious to hear you guys.
Do you guys ever dream where you're watching other people exist and you're just no part of the dream?
Yeah.
Because I'm very interested in it.
I'm sure people probably do because dreams are so fucking weird.
Even people like that write in their stories to us about their dreams in general.
They're always fucking crazy.
They're crazy.
But I'm always involved in mine, but maybe it's different.
But that's how this started.
She wanted to know these two people.
She wanted to like flesh out this story.
Which is cool.
Very cool.
Especially when you get a part of the story in the dream and you're like well, now I want to know more.
Like, why can't you be together?
What's that about?
So she i think she said that she did all of this, dreamt it, wrote it, edited it, published it in like six months.
That which is crazy beyond my wildest imagination, because it's a pretty solid length, it's a thick ass book and it's how many pages, is it?
How many pages, holy shit?
It varies by edition, but the original hardcover had 544 pages and the paperback had 498.
Yeah.
That's a big old book.
That's a big beefy book.
So it's like, that's really, that's wild.
I just remember walking around like sixth and seventh grade and everyone in the hallway- had one fucking part of that series in their hands.
I was always reading that shit.
Yeah, i remember.
I vividly remember tearing through these books.
Yeah, which is funny because i've been trying to get back and i've been on a like such a horror and thriller kick, which i love.
I will stay horror thriller forever.
Are you about to say something that i was thinking about the other day?
I'm interested.
I was so involved in these books that I'm like I should give some of these kind of books a chance more.
Like fantasy kind of thing?
Yeah, like more fantasy stuff because I love that stuff.
So funny.
I started a thriller the other day and it's not bad by any means, but I was just like I can't get into this.
And it's not the book, because it's been like a couple times lately that I've picked up some thrillers and I'm like I think I need a genre switch.
Yeah, sometimes you get trapped in a genre for sure.
Like I love – I'll never get sick of horror.
No.
Like I will say I can read a horror book every day for the rest of my life and I'll be happy.
But in like thriller, I love to – and like I love those, but I do think –
Sometimes you need to like switch it around.
Going back to this made me remember how obsessed I was with this series and wanting to know what happened next and like being very involved in it.
And the rules of like vampire world.
Yeah, and just liking the lore and liking like this whole like fantasy world that was going on.
And then even when you get into like – and hopefully we can get into it next time more.
But like when you get into New Moon and you start to learn like Jacob's tribe, like all those rules.
Yeah, when that starts being brought in, which also is like –
A wild thing that she kind of like found this Quileute tribe and it's like a little bit of like taking their legends and turning it into what she wanted to.
But, you know, here we are.
But there's a lot.
There's a lot to this.
One of the things that she, like Stephanie Meyer, like readily admits is that she was like, fully in love with Edward.
And Robert Pattinson also picked up on that character.
Yeah.
We gotta link some of the interviews.
We do.
Because he did an interview with E.
The interviewer looked like he wanted his chair to swallow him whole.
Oh, because it was for the Twilight film.
Like, Twilight is right behind him.
It's like a press junket.
And he's asking about it.
He didn't give a fuck.
And Robert Pattinson is like yeah, it felt.
When I read the book I was kind of like I feel like I'm reading Stephanie's journal.
And she like, and he literally says like sexual fantasies about this, this Edward character.
This fictional character.
And he's like and he's like and I thought this woman's mad, like she's in love with her fictional character, and i was like, oh my god yeah, he really, he called them out 2020, if you remember it was.
And this he's, he's edward like.
He's edward long term babe.
Like that is no switcheroo wild, it's wild.
And he says he was like this, just felt like, and he even said it felt like she is bella and she saw herself as bella.
Well, and I think she has kind of admitted to that.
Like, pieces of her are Bella.
Which, like, makes it... You write what you know.
A self-insert is a very normal thing for an author to do.
It's just you...
You do that naturally sometimes?
I was going to say you probably do it without even thinking.
Yeah.
Because I know like even when you wrote Butcher and the Wren, you didn't set out to make yourself Wren.
No.
But like you're pretty much Wren.
But like pieces of me are there.
Big time.
And then I always say like pieces of what I aspire to be are Wren.
Yeah, that makes sense.
But like with Bella, I think she said like that it's not her.
But Bella's physical description is literally her.
And then I think that we read something on her own website actually that said.
Because one of the frequently asked questions is why is everybody so obsessed with Bella?
Which is a very valid question.
Because it's like the way she describes her, like she's a very average looking girl, like she's pretty but, you know, not like remarkable in any big way.
She moves to Forks and men are falling at her feet.
Literally every single man and boy in that place is falling over themselves for her.
A boy crashes his car for her.
Literally crashes his car.
Not really for her, almost at her.
Still, he's he losing it, he is and they all are.
But she said that that was basically modeled after an experience that she had in her life, where I think she said she went to high school in Scottsdale, Arizona and Yeah.
And then I think it was Utah that she moved to for college.
Like I think she said I think it's Utah.
And in college she had this experience where like all these boys became obsessed with her.
Yeah.
Like it was a great experience.
And she was saying like I think it's like relative to where you're at.
Yeah.
Like you know who falls at your feet.
Yeah.
Like she was like, oh, I just became like a 10.
She said she was humble.
She said she became an 8.
She became an 8.
Excuse me.
I said Stephanie.
I was like, damn.
Be a 10, girl.
Be a 10.
Be a 10.
That you feel you are.
Yeah.
She's a 10.
She's a D, it was, it was a wild.
It was a very like, shocking answer to the question.
Because it's just like, why is every boy falling all over themselves for bella?
And she's like because that's my experience.
Then it's like whoa, all right, damn girl, here we are, i guess.
So Go to the website please.
Please go to the website.
We're just going to go through and kind of talk about all the things that we noticed while watching it.
Yeah.
Talk about a little bit about the books.
Um, one of the first things I thought of, and I remembered it when I saw it somewhere, when I was like looking around, I was like, oh my God, I forgot about this.
Was that in the book?
It doesn't happen in the movie, but in the book.
Bella straight up passes out during their first kiss.
Yeah.
I also forgot that.
She just chaos.
During their first kiss.
Peace out.
She said that was so sick.
Bye.
Bye.
Can you imagine how fucking embarrassing that would be?
Well, and also it's interesting because, as like Sarah Elizabeth Gallagher points out in her book and on, like TikTok and stuff.
In the illustrated guide which you can get on Amazon.
It's like Stephanie Meyer's official illustrated guide.
It's her look at this whole thing.
In the illustrated guide, it says that...
There's this whole section that says, what are the vampire's bodily fluids, essentially?
She says venom, right?
Venom-based fluids.
Facts.
She doesn't go deeply into what these venom-based fluids are, but they are every fluid in the vampire's body.
In their stomach, in their mouth, their saliva is venom-based.
Their eyes are lubricated with venom-based fluid, but they don't cry tears.
They cry venom.
But it's just to allow their eyes to like move around.
Okay.
And then like between their cells is venom-based fluids.
It's everything.
Just venom everywhere.
Not even blood.
When they drink blood, they just absorb it into their body.
Everything else is venom.
Okay.
So their saliva is venom.
So they also don't have fangs, like regular fangs.
Their teeth are just sharp.
Like, the edges are just really sharp.
Wait, why don't I remember that?
They don't have fangs.
They don't have fangs.
I did see one like a few people say, like when we were looking at TikToks, that she didn't write vampire.
She wrote fae.
Honestly, valid.
Because these aren't like traditional vampires.
Because she created her own like monster.
Yeah.
Quote unquote.
Right.
Because their teeth are indestructible and just really sharp.
What I would fucking give... I know what all of us would do.
What I would give for indestructible teeth.
Right?
Teeth.
But the thing is, when...
Bella and Edward kiss for the first time and when they kiss in the future after that, it has to be closed mouths.
Yeah.
Because if she opens her mouth, saliva comes in.
That's venom based.
That would turn her into a vampire.
Right.
Because that's how like you give the venom like they have to like take it.
Yeah.
So when she passes out after that first kiss, it's from a tight-lipped closed-mouth kiss.
So is she just really fucking excited?
Girlfriend, was she just super nerviosa before?
It's just wild.
Yeah.
Because you really have to think about that they're just furiously mashing their mouths together.
That's deeply upsetting.
It's like a seventh grade.
Like that is something to really think about.
It's actually not something to like super, super think about.
I want you to think about it so hard.
I don't.
I don't subscribe to that.
Another thing off of that is that they're supposedly like made like.
They're like stone yeah, like porcelain yeah yeah, i know where you're going.
You know where i'm going.
I gotta hide for this one.
I'm going to my sweatshirt.
Edward, He does all the things, if you will notice.
He has so many hobbies.
He has so many hobbies.
Like, he can play the piano.
He knows languages.
He can paint.
He reads a lot.
He can read.
He can, all of this shit.
Like, he just, he's real good.
He's a studious boy.
And the way he got so good at that.
No.
Because at one point and it's later, it's in one of the later books, in one of the later movies after they fuck.
After they fuck.
After they fuck.
So it's got to be Breaking Dawn then.
Yeah.
When they break the bed.
Exactly.
Bella is like, hey, how are we ever going to stop fucking, though?
And then she was like, you know, your family seems so normal.
Like, how do they do it?
Aren't they having that conversation while they're still fucking, technically?
While they're still connected?
Yeah.
Yeah.
That's how Sarah put it.
He basically is like...
They you haven't seen them at night.
And he's like, why do you think I'm so good at so many things?
And when you really like Sarah pointed this out.
She was like, just to be clear, that means that they're just fucking all the time.
And remember, they're made of like stone porcelain.
So she literally took two porcelain bowls and just clings them together.
I'm so upset.
And then points out that, remember, he can read everyone's thoughts.
So he can hear what they're thinking during this.
Why wouldn't you just leave?
I would, like, go fly about the trees.
Go fly about the trees.
Because one thing about Edward is he is the tree biser.
He is sitting in trees.
He is one with the trees.
He is trees.
Fly about the trees.
Get out of there.
My child.
Don't learn them.
I mean it's cool that you learned skills while everybody was fucking, but like go to the library and learn them.
Just do something else.
Like, what the fuck?
Get out of there.
And it's like your weird siblings, but they're like not your siblings.
No.
Okay.
Can we talk about that a little bit?
Yeah, we sure can.
Because it is fucking weird.
And that's pretty much like the very beginning of the movie.
Like Jessica is explaining to, I almost just said Kristen Stewart, to Bella.
That Dr. Carlisle like adopted all of these kids and then they all paired up.
I'm like if someone told me in high school that all these foster brother and sisters just fucked each other in their foster dad's house, I'd be like I feel like somebody should get called about this.
Somebody should call someone.
They're all just coupled up.
He's running a brothel, essentially.
He essentially is.
Hello?
And what's crazier is he like when you go into that illustrated guide?
There's.
So I'm begging you.
I need to get that.
Go into it, guys.
Go into it.
Because she describes that, like...
First of all, Esme met Carlisle.
Esme the mom.
Yeah.
Quote unquote.
Met Carlisle when she was a child.
Oh.
And was like really sick or something.
And he was the doctor that was called to take care of her.
And she became infatuated with him.
And so later when he comes and like turns her, they get together romantically.
That's fucked up.
He knew her as a child.
Yeah, that's fucked up.
And she was obsessed with him as a child.
Remember, this is not me making this up.
This is in Stephanie Meyer's illustrated guide, in which she willingly handed us the backstories of these.
That is beyond fizzity fizzity fucked.
So there's that.
There's always that.
There's that.
Ew, what the hell?
And then there is...
Uh, Rosalie.
So there's Edward.
So he changed Edward.
Edward was like 17.
Okay, wait, can I interrupt you there?
Sure.
Big fucking problem already with that.
Because they say, I don't remember if they say it in the books, they probably do.
But they say in the movie that Jasper is like the youngest member of the family.
And that's why he's so bloodthirsty.
That's just simply incorrect because, for everybody who forgot, Jasper's a fucking Confederate soldier.
Oh, we're going to get into that.
Don't worry.
And Edward got turned during the Spanish Influenza, which was after the Confederate war.
So that is explained a little bit.
Is it?
She's not the youngest.
He's the most...
He's having trouble still with the whole vegetarian thing.
He has been a vegetarian.
Yeah, like a vampire vegetarian.
Like they only have animal blood.
He's been doing that with this family for 50 plus years by the time we see him.
Yeah.
And he still, just like, is having trouble dealing with it because his whole backstory, which is so fucked up.
Before I get to Jasper's backstory, let me get to Edward.
Sorry I interrupted you.
Edward is turned and he's, you know, kind of Carlisle sees himself in Edward.
Essentially, Carlisle is only supposed to be 23, by the way.
He's 23 when he was turned.
That's not true.
Shut up.
So he kind of sees this, like Edward, he sees like he kind of, they bond really like a lot.
Also, I'm sorry.
This fucking 23-year-old foster dad with a bunch of 17-year-old kids fucking paired off and fucking in his house.
Exactly, like, what's going on?
Like, so many authorities would... So many.
There would be an FBI raid at this foster home.
So many.
But go, continue, please.
He wants to find him, like, a partner.
Because he's like, I want you to have someone you love.
Because I guess the whole idea is that... Do they, like, mate for eternity?
They mate.
Like, they have a mate.
And also if you're like a vegetarian vampire, essentially you are more likely to form bonds because you are not like tainted by
Killing someone.
That's kind of funny.
Like there's more humanity.
What's also like touched upon in the last episode of True Blood that we covered.
Yeah.
Which we'll get to that as well.
So that's just kind of like vampire lore.
And so he wants him to find somebody.
So he turns Rosalie into...
For Edward.
Because he's like, oh, she's for Edward.
I think I remember that.
But they end up not, like, digging each other.
They just like each other as, like, brother and sister.
Oh, my God.
You're, like, unlocking my memories.
I hyperfixated on this.
No, I love it.
I love your hyperfixations.
And he changed.
Like Rosalie's story is that whole.
Like you know, she was the prettiest girl, girl in all of new york city, or whatever.
Rosalie's backstory fucking wins.
It's pretty great, it's the best, it's horrifying.
Like what?
Because her vengeance she gets like paired off with like this wealthy banker's son is it royce royce?
And he and his friends one night when she's coming home from her friend's house, literally assault and rape her and leave her for dead on the street.
Yeah, And so she comes back and is like so Carlisle saves her.
And then she comes back and literally kills them all, like tortures them all.
And then shows up to Royce wearing a wedding dress.
Last.
And it's in the movie which we don't see it in the first movie, so I won't go too far into it because I'm trying to stay with Twilight.
I think it's in Eclipse.
It's iconic.
Yeah, we'll get to that.
So there's that.
And then there's Alice and Jasper.
Alice was in like an institution because she had seen visions already and they thought she was crazy.
So she ends up becoming a vampire because one of the people in the institution changed her.
And then Jasper.
Let's get into Jasper.
Honey.
So also Rosalie's name was originally going to be Carol.
What?
Listen, there's nothing wrong with the name Carol.
Like, that's a beautiful name, but Carol?
Carol Cullen.
Hi, I'm Carol.
I'm Carol Cullen.
And then Jasper was originally Ronald.
I don't even hate that.
Ronald and Alice is kind of cute.
But he's Jasper now.
I'm not past Carol yet.
You didn't give me enough time with that.
Rosalie's name was going to just be Carol.
Okay.
From Carol to Rosalie.
Like, Rosalie, both beautiful names.
Very different names.
Vastly different.
Carol.
Like, imagine.
I don't get it.
I do.
I don't get it.
I don't know why that's so funny.
But let's get into fucking jasper for a moment.
Everybody's waiting with bated breath.
Everybody take a motherfucking seat if you went to the edge of their seat.
Jasper's defining quality is that he's a very proud confederate soldier Like and that's not funny.
No, it's just that she did this with her whole chest.
And is it one of the things, too, that you, I don't, where did you read it?
Oh, I have so much.
Okay, go, go.
Oh, I'll go.
Yes.
Go girl, go bestie.
I know exactly what you're talking about.
But they can't change.
So...
So she is, Stephanie Meyer is very open about the fact that she does not like research.
That becomes abundantly clear.
Because also Carlisle's backstory is that he was just chilling around in the sewers of London in 16-something.
Sewers that were not invented or created in London, so like there wasn't even which, like mistakes can be made.
Okay, that's the thing.
I'm like that's a pretty big one, that's hundreds of years only egregious.
Like okay, shit happens.
Like you missed one thing, people would let it go.
That's fine, but there's a lot of things, but She's very open.
She says, I don't like research.
I don't like to do a lot of research for it, because she's creating a fantasy world and this is her world and she's going to make it, which like more power to you.
But she and she says, and this is a quote.
The only time I really did any research on vampires was when the character Bella did research on vampires.
Because I was creating my own world, I didn't want to find out just how many rules I was breaking.
Get that.
Totally get that.
But one thing she did do research for is Jasper's name.
And for Jasper's name, when she was like, Ronald isn't working for me...
She said she searched roll calls for the Confederate Army in Texas and found jasper.
So that's the one she.
She rooted in reality was was that confederate soldier's name?
Uh, which which is not great.
And before everybody comes to us and like gets really angry at us and says you know, like not all confederate soldiers were racist oh, i have an answer for you for that.
Don't worry, go ahead, because yeah, totally absolutely sure, why not live in that?
Um, but uh, jasper really fucking wanted to be a confederate soldier.
Like sought this experience.
Here's what he did.
He very much sought this.
Jasper worked with a travel advisor for the confederate war.
So you're talking about the people that are fighting for the Confederacy, that were forced into it.
Yes.
Like forced into it at a young age, like didn't want to be part of it.
Like just happened to live there and had to fight for that side.
Which, like, what the fuck?
But Jasper literally lied about his age to become a Confederate soldier and said he was so fucking excited about it.
He's jazzed.
Confederate soldiering to the highest order.
And, like I think, in Eclipse, he really starts because they have to like, fight the army and we'll get there when we cover it.
He gets real.
He gets so into it.
And he, like, heads part of the training.
Yeah.
And it's like...
You have a Confederate soldier training you.
Yep.
That's an issue.
And what makes – here's more added on to it.
So there's that.
He talks about it all the time.
Like he – that's his thing.
He's very – not in the first movie.
You don't hear about it in the first movie.
Like it comes later.
Mm-hmm. but just to know his character going forward.
Again, he's been drinking animal blood for like 50 plus years, but he's still feral as fuck.
And it's because he was like a fucking monster when he was a, and he like killed a lot of people.
And then when he got turned into a vampire, whoever turned him, I think it's like somebody, Maria maybe, Oh, yeah.
She used him to like hunt newborn vampires.
And after they couldn't use them anymore, he had to kill them.
So he was just killing.
Reckless.
Like killing, killing, killing, killing, killing for like almost the entire time he was alive.
Essentially, he's a psychopath.
So...
50 plus years of drinking animal blood, he's still not.
It hasn't busted out that killer instinct of him which makes sense.
But she did this thing where she gives some of the vampires special abilities, only some of them.
So some of them don't have them.
Alice, she had a special ability when she was a human.
She was like kind of psychic.
She could see things happening.
So it like translated.
Edward, he can read minds.
But like Rosalie doesn't have one.
Like a few of the other ones don't have one.
Yeah.
Jasper has one.
And it's that he is wildly empathetic.
He can literally feel what other people are feeling.
And not once does she have him say, and you know what?
I think I was on the wrong side.
Not once.
He can literally feel what someone else is feeling.
He's crazy.
And he still has not come to the conclusion that maybe it wasn't that sick that he was a Confederate soldier.
That's just crazy.
They're really just, like, low-key trying to conform him to, like, good vampire side.
Yeah.
But he was born to be a terrible murderer vampire.
And it's just weird to, like, because, like, you could have had him fight for the Union.
It's the same time period.
Like, you really wanted to do that.
Or you didn't even have to involve that.
You didn't have to be a soldier.
Yeah.
And also it's like or have.
If you want to make him a redeemable character, then have him come say it with verbalize I because also in the illustrated guide.
Again, go look at it.
In the illustrated guide.
She says that he has like because they all have like a million degrees, because they've been around for like 100 years.
Yeah.
He has degrees in philosophy and history.
And not once has he said out loud, I think I fucked up.
I think I was on the wrong side.
Imagine having to take a course learning about that time period and still not come to that conclusion.
And still not come to that wrong side.
But he doesn't.
Yeah.
That's the thing.
It's like and you didn't.
Why didn't you make him a redeemable character of him being like wow, I was educated and I learned that like-.
I have a lot of making up to do because I was on the wrong side of history.
Wouldn't that like kind of poke a hole in her own lore though?
Because you were saying, when we were talking about it the other day, that part of it is that they don't change.
That's it.
See, and that's, that's where her lore kind of like fucks itself.
That's why revealing too much of the lore kind of backed her into a corner a few times.
Because it's like the whole thing is they get frozen when they get turned.
Frozen in their likes and their dislikes, all that.
But they can still be educated.
Yeah.
And you can still, I think, like form a different opinion from being educated.
But frozen in their likes and dislikes.
Well, that's the problem.
Really fucking hits here.
And it really fucked this whole thing because it's like he can't be educated.
Yeah.
But technically he should be able to be educated.
Yeah, it's, you know, it just doesn't make a lot of sense.
A lot of sense.
But yeah, it's really Jasper is, is a real fucking, a real fucking problem.
He really is.
And then Alice is just like, took you long enough for me to like, I've been waiting for you.
And it's like, you were just waiting around for your Confederate soldier, Alice?
Yeah.
You're supposed to be our pixie girl.
It doesn't really jive.
What's going on there?
There's a lot.
The illustrated guide will really open eyes to a lot of things.
I'm so excited to get it.
And that's where we come into the whole, like pigment being leached out of your skin when you turn into a vampire.
Because that's in the illustrated guide.
It's part of the whole like, it's under like pallor, I think is the section, like the pallor.
Why would you need that to be a thing?
Yeah, that's the thing.
And it says, despite your ethnicity, you will become white.
That's really, really, really bad.
And it's like part of the whole thing too is you become the most beautiful creature ever.
I'm going to go ahead and need you to leave that silence in.
Leave it in.
Also, freckles, tattoos, beauty marks, they all disappear.
I would be so fucking pissed.
Which as soon as I saw freckles disappear, I was like, oh, is it not beautiful?
Freckles disappear?
Rude.
And also, all my fucking tattoos.
Do you know how much money I've spent curating this?
I would go out and get them again.
Well, also, like, come on.
Vampires have to have tattoos.
Are you kidding me?
Yeah, that's sexy as hell.
Like, let's go, girls.
And vampires do have tattoos because James has one.
Yeah.
So there you go.
So lore ruined.
Lore ruined.
Because I think they spent so much of their CGI budget on Edward flying.
Absolutely.
I think that's actual fact.
That they couldn't then remove the tattoo because it was going to take too much.
It would take too much.
Yeah.
Well, you might be sitting here saying, well, in the movies, Laurent.
Yeah.
One of the best fucking vampires.
Played by Eddie Gaffagy.
And he's fucking phenomenal in that.
He is fine.
And he is stunning.
I mean stunning like truly that man.
When he shows up on the scene, you just go like he's one of those.
So like you say that's, That's a French ass name.
I said that's a French ass name right there.
And that's the thing.
So missed opportunity, first of all, because it's like, look at that man.
Yeah, you could have done that many times.
You could have had a few more of those in there.
You could have had vampire diversity.
Yeah, it would have been.
And Catherine Hardwick.
The director, actually wanted a lot more diversity in the cast but got pushback from Stephanie Meyer because she said I created this world.
This is how I see my vampires.
This is how I've created the lore.
This is how i whitewashed them and finally agreed that laurent could be darker skinned, but only because he's described, because she also says that if you have like olive skin, then it will.
You'll still go white, but you'll be maybe a little darker.
I think we just didn't really need to touch on that stuff.
And so I think Laurent is described as having like a little more olive skin.
So she agreed to let him be a black man.
And of course, yeah.
Yeah.
There's too many implications with that.
It's a lot.
There's too many implications with that.
But all I have to say is that Eddie Gaffigy is one of the best parts of that movie.
Yep.
I think he's phenomenal.
Yep.
And I think he is gorgeous.
And the second movie, too.
He's, like, a huge part of that one, too.
Oh, he's beautiful.
Yeah.
And he's so good.
He's so likable.
I just think missed opportunities abound there.
But, yeah, so that's all in the illustrated guide.
But like just going back to like the actual movie, because we sat down and watched it and went through.
Yeah, should we go through, like, all of our thoughts on the movie?
We'll just go through our thoughts.
Oh, the book was originally named Forks.
Yeah, that's hilarious.
I understand that Forks, like Forks Washington, but like, hold on, I said Washington so dumb.
Forks Washington.
Forks Washington.
But to name it Forks would have been diabolical.
What's the sequel, Steph?
Spoons?
Sporks?
Just one third?
Once they get Renesmee, it's Sporks because it's like a combo of the two.
Yikes.
Ew.
Yeah, it's a wild one.
One thing about the movie that was a real moment for me and I still get it.
But when it was happening it used to happen all the time is the vampires, the eye color.
Yeah, used to happen all the time that people would be like oh, you have cullen eyes, or like, are you wearing cullen contacts?
And i was like no, that's just my eyes, apparently.
I'm just a vampire.
I think you are stephanie meyer's vampire, apparently.
But contact lenses would actually dissolve in their eyes.
Because venom.
Because venom.
So they just... Their eyes get gold?
So even if... Because like apparently it's like if...
If a vampire drinks animal blood, then they get golden eyes.
Oh, okay.
If they've just recently fed and had animal blood, they have golden eyes.
If they've just recently fed off human blood and are satiated, they have bright red eyes.
Which is why when they meet Laurentias and all the other vampires, they have super red eyes.
And so they said, if they were trying to hide the red eyes, they could do so with contacts, but they would dissolve in their eyes eventually, like after a few hours.
So they can't.
You could get a few hours out of it, but it would dissolve.
Okay.
So that's interesting.
That's in the illustrated guide?
That's in the illustrated guide.
How did I know?
How did you know?
But the vibe of the movies...
Are the best.
They're just good.
The vibes.
It's like honestly the color palette.
Yeah.
You've really taken me to a place of color palette.
See.
It's so cozy with like the greens and the rain.
It's got a blue tint to things.
And one thing about all of these movies I'm pretty sure the soundtrack is, especially for the first one and the second one, such banger, banger after banger, that when it first starts, when the full moon turns white, that's when I'll come home.
And then when they're driving into Forks, there's so many movie sploops that we have to talk about.
Oh, yeah.
When that big logging truck passes by.
Oh, my God.
And there's no one driving it.
No one's driving it.
No one's driving the truck.
How did that even happen?
How did that even occur?
They're pulling into Ford Wheeler.
I'm like, what?
It's an 18-wheeler that no one is driving.
I'm like, did you guys, like, CGI him out of there somehow?
Like, who's driving that?
Like, please tell me what happened.
What's going on?
Also, this is the movie where we get the... Ha ha ha ha ha ha.
I think that's like right before Bella gets hit by the car, right?
Or almost.
Perfect.
When it goes, I'm like, ah, like it just gets you.
Oh, I love it so much.
There is something with that.
I also again on my hatch alarm every morning and then it starts the and it great way to wake up.
I gotta get one.
I'll tell you, it's really great way to wake up, but Yeah.
Soundtracks, like you said, Supermassive Black Hole.
I mean, the Spotlight song.
Spotlight is on.
We're about to get sued by like 15 different bands.
No, we love you, okay?
Yeah, we're singing your praises, literally.
But it's so good and...
I think she did a good job of stylizing it.
Yeah.
Because the books are very... Like, the books have that, like...
Have way more repression, it feels like, weaved within.
Yeah.
And the movie kind of makes it a little more like they're dressed better.
Yeah.
And like for the most part and it just all feels a little more like I can I can go along with this.
It's so funny watching it now though, because I remember like when I watched it, when I was like 12 or 13, I was like I need to start dressing like Bella and wear headbands in my hair like Bella does, and I need to be Bella because boys will love me.
Yeah.
Bella dresses like shit.
Bella dresses like shit.
I watched it, when we watched it recently, I was like, what the fuck is she wearing in every scene?
She's wearing like bowling shirts over, there's a lot.
It's horrible.
A couple of her shirts, I was like, okay, I would have probably worn them.
There wasn't one shirt that I was okay with.
Yeah, there was a couple that I was like, I feel like I would wear that.
That's crazy.
Unfortunately, she says, she has great hair.
Great hair.
Great hair.
I remember being like, that's how I pictured Bella's hair.
Not in the, I can't remember if it's, I think it's the third movie.
Kristen Stewart had just done fucking The Rocket, the rocking Joan Jett yeah, she had just done that.
So she had to cut her hair like, obviously in Joan Jett's hairstyle.
So she has one of the worst wigs of all time in that movie there's some egregious wigs.
There are some egregious wigs yeah like, there's some Rosalie's wigs Rosalie's wigs she had to wear because they fucked her hair up so bad after the first movie which, if you look at her hair in the first movie, she has beautiful hair but it's fried.
Yeah, you can tell.
And we'll get to that when we do the other movie.
Yeah, we will.
Um, but yeah, it's.
I thought the outfits they're very of the time.
Yeah um, i remember edward.
I loved his outfits.
He's great, he looks great.
His pea coats loved his pea coats.
Honey, loved it.
I especially love i think we were when we were watching it.
There's a scene when mike is like trying to ask bella to prom and edward is just standing in the back.
One thing i loved is what an absolute dick edward was.
Yeah, it set us all up.
We've been here before we we, you know.
Like, this is who i am okay yeah, And so I love that.
He's literally laughing in the background like this guy.
Because he can also hear Mike's thoughts.
He can hear it.
And Bella's answers too.
And her thoughts.
So he's sitting, or not her thoughts.
He can't hear her thoughts.
But he can hear like her answers through Mike's thoughts.
Yeah.
And he's sitting there laughing in the background and you know he's sitting there being like I got a fucking peacoat.
You're going to lose.
What you think you're going to prom with her?
Get a peacoat.
Like get a gray peacoat, my friend.
Poor Mike.
Poor Mike.
Let's go into it.
We got to talk about Mike and Jessica.
They do make Jessica the ultimate villain, especially... Justice for Jessica.
Like, in this movie, she definitely gets villainized.
In New Moon... Oh, yeah.
They turn her into, like, a twat.
And it's not fair because...
Bella is a bitch.
Like, she's a bitch when she goes into school.
She's not nice to anyone.
Everyone is being nice to her.
People are trying to be Like Jessica is one of the first people to talk to her and welcome her here, and like talk.
And it's like she's like villain and Bella gives no one the time of day and acts like she's annoyed that anyone's being nice to her.
I don't know why they all keep trying.
And then...
The thing with Jessica is it's like Jessica's a teenage girl.
She immediately befriended Bella, tried to integrate her in.
And then she gets jealous that the guy she likes is obsessed with Bella the second she meets her.
That's just normal shit.
Yeah, that's normal teenage shit.
I too would be pretty pissed if the guy I was like crushing on was obsessed with the new girl.
And I think that she said something like she's they've all known each other since like kindergarten.
Yeah.
So it's like that sucks.
Yeah.
And it's like and they make her such a villain.
They do.
And it's like she's not.
She's like and she even.
She even asked Bella at one point if it's OK that she goes to the dance with Mike.
Yeah. and she what the fuck does she have to do that for yeah she's been around forever you don't have to ask her but she does just to make sure there's no like weirdness i'm like they villainized her it's not well and they also try to make bella like more likable by her being like oh you should ask jessica yeah but it's like it makes jessica look like well they make and i mean it's how bella is also written she's like that girl yeah i'm not like other girls you know like that girl and it's like i'm gonna wear leggings under my dress oh my god we're gonna get to that we're gonna get to that but i think anna kendrick is the perfect jessica she really is as soon as you see her you say jessica yeah jessica in the movie yep And I think Mike is a great cast.
Yeah.
And I think Mike is super endearing.
Yeah.
And just kind of, like, he's a teenage boy.
You can... Honestly, the whole friend group, I feel like, is very, like, believable.
Yeah.
Like, Angela.
Yeah.
Mike.
Yeah.
They're all really well done, I think.
Like, they're likable.
They are.
They're super likable.
And they're, like, I don't know, they're just sweet.
They're, like, throwing Twizzlers at her and shit.
They eat so many Twizzlers in this movie.
They eat so many Twizzlers.
It's just brought to you by Twizzlers.
I will say, it really was.
I will say I don't like that.
They have everyone like follow all over themselves about Bella, like that's very unrealistic and also like kind of weird and gross, because at one point, like while she's sitting at the table, Tyler runs up behind her and is like my girl and kisses her on the cheek.
Yeah, is that Tyler or is that Eric?
That's Tyler and Eric is sitting next to her because he had said something like like bell is my girl yeah, basically.
And i was like what's happening, like what is?
And you can tell jessica.
Jessica literally, is like oh my god, i know the way she said, i forget what she says.
She's like you're the new shiny toy, like.
But she's like oh my god yeah, she's like this is disgusting.
You can tell.
She's like what the fuck is going on, not the way he kisses her.
At lunch i said inappropriate, inappropriate.
And also they're so mean to jet, like the boys are so mean to jessica and angela oh my god, eric like shits all over angela yeah, and i'm like the feature is dead, don't bring it up again.
And then just leaves and she's like damn, do you guys just uh, not like what's going on here, like what the fuck?
But this is also where we get the Cullen entrance.
They are 32-year-olds walking into this cafeteria.
They're all wearing white.
And most importantly, Emmett is carrying a bag, a bag full of at least a dozen hard-boiled eggs.
And I have never noticed it, but we all got into a discussion.
And the other day, when we were talking about like the weird sploops in this movie and Elena was like the eggs,
I was like the eggs.
The eggs.
I never saw that before.
You'll never unsee it.
You'll never unsee it.
And fun fact, that was just Kellen Lutz's lunch.
Who plays Emmett.
Yeah.
You know, you just got to eat some eggs.
I love a hard-boiled egg, so I'm not one to scoff at a hard-boiled egg.
I love a hard-boiled egg.
I could not eat 12 in a second.
I would die, but he's a big guy.
I can eat one, and then I'm like, damn.
Yeah, honestly.
And I like my one with some soy sauce or some hot sauce.
I just can't do that to the face.
You can't do raw dog eggs. hard-boiled egg like that.
As you should not.
But their entrances are just wild because it's like Alice gets like Jasper.
The Confederate soldier just twirls Alice.
They just run way into this cafeteria like it's nothing.
And he's like, what?
And that's when we see Edward for the first time, of course.
And this is where I had my initial disappointment.
I can't believe you experienced disappointment in this moment.
I think this was my sexual awakening.
Again, I say it was not because I thought Robert Pattinson was not attractive or ugly or whatever.
What did you picture?
Do you remember?
I think I just pictured like I'm trying to think of exactly what I pictured in my head.
I probably pictured more of... I'm trying to think of... I don't know.
I think he was like not...
I don't know.
I'm trying to think in my head.
I'm trying to like picture it.
Sometimes it's hard to describe the picture that you have in your head.
Well, I'm trying to think of anybody who fits that picture.
I think Hayden Christensen was one of the ones that was going to be cast.
Yeah.
Or it was in talks, I think, or like fans wanted him to be cast.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And I was very much a Hayden Christensen girly when I was younger.
I loved him.
Very, very good looking man.
And I think he's more along the lines of what I pictured, but I don't even think he is the thing I picture.
I think he's just a little closer to what I pictured.
Okay.
Um, I think he, I think I pictured him like very ethereal looking.
And I think it's hard for a human being to look so ethereal.
I see what you're saying.
Like it's a difficult one to cast, I think.
Yeah.
I think he looks, I think he is like the perfect Robert.
Well, and I think the perfect Robert, the perfect Edward.
I mean, he was the perfect Robert as well.
He really was.
He's like, Don't say that.
But he totally started fitting it for me.
And I think I saw like his interviews and shit.
I just ended up loving him.
Like I thought he was awesome.
So I was very into it then.
But we get that weird like staring thing that he does.
When he walks by, he laughs because he can hear Jessica being like.
Oh, yeah.
I think she says like, you know, like he would just I guess none of us are good enough for him.
Every girl in school wants to date him, but we're not good enough for him.
Yeah.
And he laughs when she when he walks by.
I can hear that.
Yeah.
And then we go into the biology class where we get one of the cringiest scenes that I have ever seen committed to film.
I literally wrote down I would not survive this interaction with Edward.
I would jump out of the science lab window and I would board the next flight to Arizona.
I literally said this would send me packing.
She walks into science class or biology class.
In front of a fan.
In front of the fan.
It wafts on over to Edward and he acts like she smells like hot garbage liquefied.
He does this. body roll of revulsions.
He has a full retch.
He literally slides something over to her with his knuckle.
He won't even touch it with his face.
He's just like, get the fuck away from me.
And he's literally holding his face away from her, But also staring at her, as she's looking straight ahead and she's like, oh my God.
He's just like, oh, like staring at her.
Like she's like the most putrid thing to ever look.
I would not survive this.
And also...
What the fuck, Bella?
Because halfway through that class, I would have been like, can I fucking help you?
Like, how are you not turning to that boy and being like, what the fuck's your problem?
Like, confront him.
Yeah.
Because it's not like he's like actively trying to get away from her.
He is, but he's also staring at her.
He's like studying her like a monkey.
And he's just staring.
Like, how dare she?
I would literally turn around and just, like, stick my finger in my nose and be like, what?
Like, Bella needed to get a little more assertive with that shit.
Yeah.
Well, she's...
Bella's so baby girl coded.
She is so baby girl coded.
Bella's just baby girl.
But at the same time, he's not safe with her at some point.
At some point, she gets so aggressive that I was like, you should leave.
It took me a minute to process what you were saying.
She gets really aggressive at one point.
At the end of the movie, we'll get to it.
But that interaction just fucked me up.
And then when they... She... Like, they go into, like, the administrative office after.
Oh, yeah.
And he's like, okay, fine.
I guess I'll just endure it.
I guess I'll have to endure it.
Like, because he wants to switch classes.
And he just, like, flies by her.
And she had come into the office...
And then just leaves.
Yeah, I don't know what she was going to do.
And she does that, like, lip-sucking thing that she does.
She do be... Here's the thing.
She do be making some weird faces.
Kristen Stewart is a great actress.
She's a great actress.
What the fuck was she doing in this movie?
Lots of faces.
She doesn't do that face all the time.
Like it's her doing the like i wish, like sucking, sucking in her lip, and i said i wish you could see that, and in fact you must see that.
So i will video it for you right now, live videoing.
All right, am i doing it?
Yeah, go go girl, And we'll be posting that.
She literally like does this, that weird like, I'm just going to eat my lip.
I'm going to eat my lip.
I'm going to eat my lip.
I'm not going to eat my lip.
And then she just leaves.
And you're like, I'm not going to eat my lip.
Final decision.
I am not going to eat my lip.
Okay, wait.
So, like, that happens.
Edward doesn't come to school for a few days.
In the interim, she goes to the diner with her dad.
Pause.
Charlie?
Yeah.
Everybody pause for zaddy Charlie.
Charlie.
Worst father ever not of the year, but like one of the worst dad, not in the book.
In the book he's far worse than he is in the movie.
In the movie you at least get the sense that he cares, he's just awkward.
Yeah, he cares and he's awkward, but like later on, he also just lets her leave his home he sure does.
And like he's a police officer he's like the police officer, in fact, like he's the chief.
Yeah, we'll get there, but he, but he's hot, so we'll take it.
He is so hot.
Yeah, watching twilight as an adult is realizing that you're not team edward or jacob, you are team charlie, swan or boss, totally.
And i need to be clear with who stephanie meyer wanted to cast as charlie.
You better be john c reilly.
And here's the thing.
I love John C. Reilly.
Who doesn't?
I think he's hilarious.
Imagine if he was Chief Swan.
If he was Chief Swan.
We get Billy Burke.
And I am for Billy Burke in this movie.
Billy Burke is A plus behavior in this movie.
Absolutely.
I don't even care what he does.
And he looks, there's like a familial resemblance between him and Bella, for sure.
He looks, like the age fits, the familial resemblance.
John C. Reilly.
John C. Reilly would have been a wild choice.
It would have been, honestly, I would like him to like, can they remake the movie?
I know, can he read some of the lines?
And like, dress up as chief swan and just like, give us that.
I'm gonna need one of the late night hosts to have him on and make him read those lines.
I'm gonna need that, like i'm gonna need that, although his lines are pretty basic.
They are, that's true, but in this scene like, aside from charlie swan just being super hot uh, there's a ketchup bottle and kristen seward bella takes the ketchup bottle limp wrist, limp wrist, just blops it on her plate but nothing comes out.
And then the scene is shot from a different angle.
And it's a squeeze bottle.
And she just does this like shaky, shaky and then puts it down.
Nothing comes out.
Nothing ever comes out of that bottle.
And it's not even one of those bottles where, like you have to hit the 57 for it to come out, or like the 52, whatever it is.
It's a squeeze bottle.
And she's not squeezing it.
She's simply flicking it.
It's the weirdest.
She does this with a few other things because later...
She gets a glass of water.
She pours a glass of water.
No, the water might be... I think the water might take the ketchup right off.
Pours a full glass of water out of the fridge, puts the jug back, stands in front of the sink, takes one sip of water and then just flips the water over and dumps it all out of the sink.
But the way she flicks it is so just like...
And it's one sip, whole glass of water, one sip, blip right into the sink.
Wasteful.
I was like, what the fuck was the point of that?
Also and we'll get into it a little bit more, but just because we're talking about weird mannerisms, when Edward sits down at the table the first time we see him, he just places like two fingers on the table.
He does this weird finger thing that he's always just delicately touching.
They're like pageant hands.
They're like praying mantis hands.
He's just like, deet, deet, deet, deet.
Yeah.
Like he barely touches surfaces or like things in front of him.
It's very creepy.
I think they were all just like really uncomfortable filming this.
Oh, yes.
Everybody seems very uncomfortable.
Anna Kendrick likened it to a hostage situation.
She said they were all trauma bonded because it was like a hostage situation.
That kind of makes sense.
And Emmett.
We're better for it.
Kellen Lutz almost didn't come back for the last two movies, he said because he was just standing around on set so often.
Because he doesn't have a lot to do.
That's the thing.
He said he was like falling out of love with acting.
Oh, man.
Damn.
I can't imagine the vibe on the set was like super awesome.
Immaculate.
Yeah.
Well, and we get like another scene, like you were just pointing out the scene at the table.
Are you going to talk about the carrot?
He has the fingers.
And Rosalie just takes a little carrot and she's just staring at Bella.
Dead eyes.
In her white outfit and her white hat.
And she just takes that carrot.
She places it within her lips.
And then it's almost like a kazoo that she's just like... It's not a carrot kazoo.
It's like she's treating it like a kazoo.
And she just places it there but doesn't ever take a bite.
And it's because in the illustrating guide...
They don't eat food if they have to eat food.
Like to blend in.
To blend in.
They don't digest food.
So what happens is they eat that food.
It sits in a ball somewhere inside of them.
And then they hack it up like a cat packs up in a hairball later.
They will literally regurgitate it later.
That's not good, that's not hot, that's not hot at all.
If my man is having a hairball and like i'm sorry you're, you're making my vampires so that they're just like regurgitating food later yeah, i don't like that.
I don't like that at all.
I don't like it either.
Another thing I don't like is when she walks back into biology class and I think it's Mike goes.
How you liking the rain girl?
Oh my God.
It's the most egregious.
It's such a weird line.
It's the most egregious greeting.
He not only does he scream, how you liking the rain, girl?
But he also shakes his fucking umbrella on her.
I'd kill him with that umbrella.
There's so many lines.
And there's lines in future movies like, Bella, where the hell you been, loca?
That just send me into orbit.
I think, honestly, Bella, where the hell you been, loca, is such a good line.
But like it's so good that people forget how good is how good, how good how you liking to rain girl.
Like, that's such a weird fucking line, but I, and I hate it, but I love it.
There's so many lines like that in here, though.
Like, we're gonna get to them, and I will yell them loud and proud when they come.
God.
There's so many.
I will yell them loud and proud.
Wait.
So then, after how you like it to rain, girl Bella sits down at the table after Edward just left for days because she smelled so fucking putrid.
He's sitting there and he acts like everything is a-okay.
And he says to her hello, he goes.
Why is he swedish when he says she sits down and he goes?
Hello, He sounds almost like the wandering oaken in Frozen, where he's like Summer sale and obviously like um, robert pattinson is like british right, he sure is so obviously like his accent comes out sometimes, but this isn't even his accent.
It's a swedish hello, Hello.
It's the way he says it.
There's another... I'm trying to find exactly how he says it.
Oh, my God.
Because there's another uh moment where robert pattinson slips into like a weird scottish oh, i wrote it down, hold on, oh wait, here it is.
Oh, he says so you're worried, so you're worried, so you're worried.
And then he just goes right into his regular full scottish so you're worried.
He said hello hello, so you're worried.
I love the Swedish accent.
It's fucking crazy.
It's very Swedish, very Norwegian.
I like it.
And then they just like have this cute interaction about like science.
But this is Bella's first moment of, he's like, so are you liking the rain?
Because they've never met.
They don't fucking know each other.
You're going to fucking talk to me about the goddamn weather?
And she literally, he says that.
He's like, so how are you liking the rain?
And she literally goes, lets out this like shaky like, and then she goes.
You're gonna ask me about the watch, like it's just like what the fuck?
My watch just told me this is a loud environment.
Your watch is like calm the fuck down, bitches.
We hit 90 decibels.
30 minutes of this could... We're giving you guys temporary hearing loss.
I'm sorry for that, but it's worth it, okay?
Because she says... She's like, she literally...
She's on the edge.
She's on the edge.
And then it's like, you're going to talk to me about the weather?
I'm like, what do you want?
By that reaction, she wants him to talk dirty to her.
She's like, why are you talking to me about the weather?
I'm literally on the edge of glory here.
She says, I want to fuck on this here laptop.
It's so weird.
I know she was trying to do her Because it's supposed to be that she's enamored with him right away.
But it's like, you don't need to... I don't know.
It was just the way it came out.
I was like, that's a lot.
It's wild.
So...
So I think there is a moment when she's talking during like this part, when she talks to her friends, where they're like oh, are you going to come to La Push with us?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
And she's like, am I supposed to know what that means?
And it's like, maybe you are because that's where like your best friend growing up, Jacob. lips yeah la push is like kind of his beach so it's like i don't why wouldn't you know that and it's like also like she's just so fucking rude it's the way she says things should i know what that means yeah i yeah you should probably like you're friends with jacob But we get also around this part, the apple, the book cover moment.
The apple.
And then before that, he had saved her from the crash.
Yep.
And she meets Carlisle.
Yep.
She meets the whole thing.
The palest doctor that has ever lived.
I loved Carlisle.
I was into it.
I was not a Carlisle girl.
I was into Carlisle.
But I was 12 when this came out, so I was not meant to be a Carlisle girl.
And I just love... He's...
I love a, you know, light haired.
You do.
Dead looking man.
Yeah.
We'll be talking about that in True Blood later.
We will be.
That's the cover of the book.
And Stephanie Meyer said that it's supposed to be the illusion of like the.
Like forbidden fruit.
The forbidden fruit.
And like it is tied to the Bible with like you have a choice.
Are you going to take the apple and ruin everything, or are you going to not take the apple?
I take the apple interesting um, but he does.
When he does the little like presenting like the, i was like, wow also, i would be like you just kicked that up.
So not only did you get germs on my apple, but you also bruised it.
Yeah, you fucking asshole.
I'm sorry she didn't say like I can't believe you just fucking kicked my apple.
God.
You're going to hand me that apple?
To anyone else, she would.
Yeah.
But when they go to La Push and they see Jacob and his friends and they mention that, like Bella had asked Edward if he wanted to come, but he was like no.
This is where Jessica's a little bit of a bitch, because she's like...
Bella asked Edward, but he didn't come.
And he's not here.
But I think she's also trying to be like, hey, Mike, she invited Edward.
Like, she doesn't like you.
So please stop, like, lusting after her because I like you.
It's teenage girl shit.
It is.
It is.
But then that kid goes, the Cullens don't come here.
Yes, because like Jacob and his friends come and that's when he's like, the Cullens don't come here.
Period.
And Bella's like, whoa.
And then they go on a walk on the beach and she's like so what did your friend mean when he said the Cullens don't come here?
And Jacob goes, you caught that, huh?
What the fuck do you mean?
The kid locked eyes with her and screamed it at her face.
Of course I caught that.
He launched it directly at me.
I had no choice but to catch that.
Yeah.
Like, damn.
Yeah.
I love that.
I love that.
And she's also trying to, like, flirt with Jacob to get information out of him.
And Bella Swan flirting is the funniest fucking shit you'll ever see in your life.
Because she kind of just, like, leans her head a little bit closer.
And, like, looks up at him.
But it's menacing.
And she does this weird, like, head shake thing where she's like, I...
I want to know.
And she just shakes her head a lot.
It's almost like she thinks that the, like, eyelash fluttering is actually, like, head shaking.
So she does that.
It's a lot.
It's something.
Later.
Well, because she finds out, like there's, you know the legend the Quileute tribe has of like they descended from wolves.
And there's these, like...
The cold one.
The treaty.
All that stuff.
So later she goes on and googs.
And she googs about, you know, legends of that tribe.
And one of the books that comes up is called Legends of the Slapping Beaver.
I just need to point that out.
It's not a real book.
I looked it up.
We tried.
We tried to find it.
But my God, I love that they put that in.
And then she ends up going dress shopping at one point with Angela and Jessica.
They invite her.
Like you're new and we're inviting you into our shopping trip to have a girls night.
That's some like not that doesn't happen to everyone.
No.
Like you've been a new kid.
I was a new kid.
I was lucky enough.
You were welcomed in pretty quick.
I was so lucky.
I gotta say on my first day at my new high school I made friends like the first day and they were like you want to come hang out tonight?
And I was like, fuck yeah, I do.
But it's like, that doesn't happen for everyone.
I came home and Elena was like, are you?
I literally, I was like, do you think mom would let me go out tonight?
Like I made friends.
And Elena goes, what?
Are you fucking kidding me?
What do you mean you made friends already, you bitch?
But yeah, that doesn't happen for everyone.
I had a better experience at my second high school than I did at my first.
Well, Bella is being integrated into this group very quickly and very nicely.
Elena would say to her, are you fucking kidding me?
Are you fucking kidding me, Bella?
Yeah.
Like God.
And she treats them like shit.
She does.
They are trying on dresses.
She's not even looking at them.
She's like in her own thing.
And then she just gets up and bails.
Like doesn't even pay attention to them.
I was like, why are you trying to be friends with her?
I'd be like, fuck this girl.
Yeah.
She's like, I have to go to like a bookstore.
I have to go to a bookstore.
And she goes to the bookstore to get the Legends book.
And it's also like could you not have just been like hey, when we're done trying on, or when you guys are done, will you come to this bookstore with me?
That's how friendship works.
No, she just decided to bail on them.
Rude.
And she's just going to obsess over Edward for the rest of her life.
She doesn't need friends.
It really is so toxic when you get into it.
And this is really where it becomes like so bad.
Ridiculously insane.
Because she ends up getting like running into these like drunk guys.
She tries to walk down a fucking alley.
What are you doing walking down an alley?
And these drunk guys are gross and disgusting and they, like, are going to assault her, essentially.
And Edward shows up in his Volvo.
He is.
And, like, growls at them.
I'm sorry.
No, I loved it.
I would have been the most toxic woman.
When he growls at them.
Yeah.
And then he's like, get in the car.
And he's like, you didn't know what they were.
And then he's like, you didn't know what they were thinking.
And she's like, you did?
I'd be like, save me every night.
And they end up going to dinner.
But Jessica and Angela are like, hey, where you been?
We had no fucking clue where you were.
We've been calling you.
Like, what the fuck?
Like, lost you.
Like, what the fuck?
And then even in that moment, they're still rooting for her.
They're still rooting for her.
Like, they're like, oh, yeah, go to dinner.
Like, have dinner.
Bail on us.
Like, it's cool.
Yeah.
It's like, damn, you really lucked into these gals and you should hang on to them.
Uh-huh.
And treat them better.
But she, so she goes to dinner with Edward.
And his song is playing in the background.
His song is playing.
Robert Pattinson.
That, like, It's the... Exactly, that's it.
And then he says... I mean, can you tell the difference?
No, you can't.
Thank you.
But they talk about like... you know, what, like, that, basically what's going on.
Like, that he's been stalking her, essentially.
Because she's literally like, how did you know I was going to be here?
And he's like, I was following.
And he says, like I was following in case anything happened to you, which is sweet in theory, but you like think about it as an adult and you're like That's just stalking her.
Like, I don't want to be followed by you.
No, I can take care of myself.
But that's the thing about Bella.
That's where she's like baby girl coded because she doesn't want to have to take care of herself.
No.
And there's a reason for that, though, that makes sense.
Because when you look at her parents, her mom, we didn't even touch on her mom.
Her mom's a fucking wreck.
Her mom sucks.
Sucks.
Her mom sucks.
Fuck you, Renee.
Her mom.
The reason she went to Forks is because her mom is together with a minor league baseball player named Phil.
And she's unhappy that she can't travel around with him and that she has to stay with her child.
And Bella picked up on that.
So Bella's like, do you want me to leave so you can do that?
And she's like, yeah, I guess you could.
That's it.
She's an asshole.
Yeah, she sucks.
Her mom's like a total like hot mess asshole.
She's not like a cute fun, like oh, I'm just like a Lorelai Gilmore kind of like.
You know, messy mom.
She just sucks.
Yeah.
And then also, like in the book, Charlie is very Yeah, and in the book she had to take care of her mom essentially,
Like, parentified child.
And then she had to take care of her dad in the book, too.
Yeah.
Like, she cooks him all his meals and shit.
Like, he's just always, like, working or fishing.
Yeah.
And so, like...
She really did.
I think she looks at this as like, cool.
Fucking take care of me then.
Someone can just take care of me now.
Yeah.
So I think she was, this was like learned toxic behavior.
Totally.
That she was like searching for something.
Which is also like weird because then like her boyfriend becomes her dad.
Yeah it's very weird.
And then also like when Jacob, or when like, we'll get into it in New Moon, but like Edward leaves and then like Jacob steps in.
It gets real weird.
There's also like so much imagery of her being carried around all the time.
Yes.
And it's like she's always really weird.
Yeah, it is.
Yeah.
And in this conversation, he's saying how like he can read minds, but he can't read hers.
And I was like, oh, so you read the Sookie Stackhouse books.
Yeah.
Because that's literally true blood.
Yeah.
Like that's just true blood.
And the Sookie Stackhouse books were out at a time, so like maybe that just interested her, that they could read minds and maybe one person can block it.
Yeah, it's definitely reminiscent of it.
There was a few things too and I can't think of them now, but like if you go back and listen to our rewatcher episodes for Buffy, I was like Oh, that's where she got that.
She was definitely, I think Stephanie Meyer was definitely like... Inspired.
She was absorbing a lot of this kind of material, so I'm sure like bits and pieces of it just came into her lore.
Yeah.
But this is one that I was just.
We're watching True Blood right now, so it just like stuck out to me.
It's like, oh, the one person whose mind you can't read, it's like flipped around.
Yep, yep, yep.
Now, and then we get the fucking scene where he pulls her into the because she figures out he's a vampire.
Yeah.
And he pulls her into the fucking woods at school.
This is, no other movie has touched me in a moment quite like this.
This, he's so aggressive in this moment.
Say it.
Say it.
Out loud.
Out loud.
I know what you are.
And she's standing with her arms in front of her, which is a very awkward stance.
She's essentially doing like the Wednesday Addams.
When the sun goes down and the moon comes up.
Bella turns into a teenage gugumuk.
She does.
She does turn into a teenage Goo Goo Muck.
In these woods, Bella was a teenage Goo Goo Muck.
She's a teenage goo-goo buck.
That is for sure.
Candid.
That is for sure.
And he's just standing behind her like, say it.
It's like, oh my God.
And she goes, vampire.
Vampire.
Vampire.
It's Tom Link in the zombie episode.
Tom, like, come on the show.
Oh, wait, you did.
Oh, that's a rewatcher reference.
Go listen to the rewatcher from the beginning.
Do it.
But yeah, he's so aggressive, though.
He grabs her arm and literally drags her through the forest and up a mountain.
Is this when he screams, as if you could outrun me!
Oh, we're not there yet, baby!
We're not there yet.
Because first, One thing about me, thing about me is that i'm always there, i'm always in a place of run me, but first we have to get to a place of i'm sad and sparkly.
So first he has to go up there, rip open his shirt and show that he just looks a little sweaty.
I love it.
Like he just looks a little sweaty, i love it.
And then he says this is the skin of a killer, bella The best.
There's so many good lines.
So many good lines.
This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
And then he starts zooming around.
He gets the zoomies.
He literally huffs and puffs and hunches over and says, as if you could understand.
I told you he's the tree miser.
He's crouching.
And then he just starts crouching in trees, which goes crazy.
And she's just looking up at him and he's like, aren't I a hot vampire?
And I'm like, no.
I don't even think he's trying to convey that.
You're going all nimbly bimbly from tree to tree.
And I need you to get down.
But then she becomes very aggressive because she's like, no, I want it.
I love it.
I think I want to marry you.
I love you.
And he's like, I've killed people though.
And I've wanted to kill you from the second I laid eyes on you.
And she's like, but I love you.
I'm fine with it.
And even Edward or no, Robert Pattinson later was like, something's wrong with her.
Because he was like, Edward literally says to her, I wanted to kill you since the moment I met you.
And she's like, but I love you.
I'd still hit it.
She says to him, I don't know if it's in the woods or if it's when they're at dinner.
She says, I don't have the strength to stay away from you anymore.
Yeah.
Like what the fuck?
Or wait, does he say that actually now that I think about it?
He probably says it.
He says that.
But either way, they've been, they've met each other 4.5 seconds ago.
Yeah, it's not okay.
We need to be real about that.
It's not okay.
But he's so upfront about how much he wants to kill her and she's like, it's cool.
Yeah.
You've let me know.
So thank you.
Thanks for that.
And that's it.
And it's like, all right, I guess we put that on paper.
So there's that.
She's a temptress.
She is.
And this is when they decide that they're going to be together, because they lay in the meadow and he's sparkling.
And it's real weird.
I think her foot's gone in this scene.
Her foot is gone.
In the CGI, they take her foot out by accident.
No, it happens.
You know, sloppy.
Yeah.
But then they end up going to school the next day and they show up together.
And this is when Spotlight plays.
Ah.
And this is when he says, this is when he says, I'm going to hell anyways.
This is what bothers me.
Because he's like, since I'm going to hell.
And he puts his arm around her and like pulls her in.
And he says this a couple of times, like the hell comment.
I'm like, you're dead.
Where does it say that?
Well, it's also like, you're dead.
And that's it.
Well, and it's also like, that's not part of the...
Like, it's just a weird, I don't know.
Like, since I'm going to hell.
I think he has, like, this is just, like, a thing.
He has, like, a self-hatred quality about him.
He does.
Because he, like, hates that he's a monster.
Yeah.
In his own.
I'm just, like, says who?
Who says you're going to hell?
I think him.
Like, what?
Yeah.
But it's weird.
And then he explains his origin story to her.
And he does so while it's pouring rain.
And he is staying out of the cover of the rain, just getting fucking soaked.
And she's just sitting there dry.
And then a minute later, he's bone dry.
And doing weird things with his hands again.
And his fingers walking in front of him.
It's so strange.
It's very Salad Fingers-esque of him.
It is.
It's a lot.
And then she goes to... This is when she goes to meet his family, too.
And when he's like, you worried?
Like, that's when he gets really Scottish.
Yep, yep, yep.
But this is when Rosalie breaks the bowl because she's just pissed.
Oh, my God.
Wait, before that?
Is that when...
Billy Black, Jacob's dad, and Edward pass.
They have a stare-off.
They have a stare-off.
You can see the crew in Edward's mirror.
You can, yeah, in Edward's wall, though.
Yeah.
Well, I think Rosalie also gets kind of a bad rap.
I think she does.
She's pissed because if you think about it, think about it logistically.
I'm thinking of it bare bones.
Okay, hit me.
You are a family.
For all intents and purposes.
Yeah, yeah.
For hundreds of years, you've been a family.
You've had this plan.
You have a thing together.
There is a literal law among your species that says you cannot let humans know who you are or what you are.
And if you do, then your whole family is going to be in jeopardy.
Yeah.
And then he meets this girl and five seconds later tells her everything about your species and way of life, breaking every law, endangering your entire family, and then brings her over and is like treat her nice.
Treat her nice.
I would have broken a fucking bowl, too.
I would have been like, you dumb fuck.
Are you kidding?
She's right.
Yeah.
So when you guys stop making googly eyes at each other, we're all going to have our heads ripped off and be burned.
That's fair.
Like, really?
Yeah fair, is it worth it?
Bitch like.
And she sharty ate.
What the fuck i was just gonna say that's what really does rosalie in is they're preparing this beautiful meal for bella.
Yeah, and and edward, because it's not even bella.
Bella's like oh, my god, like you didn't have to do that, thank you.
And he's like sharty ate, sharty ate, i'm like you dick.
And also when Rosalie smashes the bowl.
That's why the actress is wearing gloves in that scene.
She cut her hand when she had originally smashed it.
I do love it.
I thought the gloves were just fashion.
I mean, she's very fashionable.
She is.
But I get everyone's like, calm down, Rosalie.
No, I get it.
Can you talk?
She's just mad.
The khaki skirt, oh my god.
So she is apparently described as wearing a long khaki skirt in this scene, And like a blue blouse which Edward ends up becoming obsessed with.
Because color wins.
Also, if you want us to cover Midnight Sun, which is Edward's point of view of Twilight.
I've never read that.
We will happily do that for you.
We will do that.
Because there's a lot in that.
Is there?
Oh, yeah.
The whole thing is from Edward's point of view.
I'm actually going to buy it right now as you talk.
So maybe we should do that.
But he's obsessed with the blue blouse.
But the long khaki skirt.
And Stephanie Meyer later said that during her time of writing this and growing up, oh khaki skirt was like a staple wardrobe piece.
Which is diabolical.
I don't remember that time period, but i don't know how old stephanie meyer is.
Let me look she's 51, so she's older than i am.
So i don't know, maybe it was, but i thought thinking of bella standing there wearing a long khaki skirt Is really throwing me, especially with Rosalie standing there looking like a fucking snack.
Yeah.
In her gloves and everything.
And you know she's looking at her being like, you khaki skirt bitch.
Edward, are you fucking kidding me?
You're going to endanger our entire family for this khaki skirt wearing bitch?
This khaki skirt blue blouse bitch.
This woman.
With a ponytail?
A ponytail?
She had a ponytail.
Uh-uh.
Yeah, it's very she's all that.
Yeah.
But yeah, I thought she, I was like, you know what?
Justice for Rosalie.
She's been through a lot.
Yeah.
We skipped over to that Edward watches Bella when she sleeps.
He does.
He does that a lot.
We glossed over that.
I mean, there's not a lot to say about that.
I just wanted to make sure it was in here.
Yeah.
He watches her while she's... He's been doing it.
We thought that was like top romance.
Yeah.
When it came out.
I mean, at least I did.
I was like, oh my God.
Oh my God.
I hope that happens to me someday.
I hope some guy... watches now that's my worst fucking nightmare yeah that's we talk about that shit all the time yeah it's not good it's bad never good the worst and when they go up to his room um and he's like yeah she's like where's your bed and i was like all right bella calm down like you're not gonna fuck here The one thing about Bella is she stays trying to fuck.
She stays horny, Bella.
She's horned up all the time.
And she's always trying to fuck him.
She's really repressed.
With the way he's described when you're like a teenager, I'm sure I would be all over that too.
Yeah.
But I love it because, like, he's got all these books and, you know, Claire de Lune is playing.
And he's like, you know, like, I'm just listening to Debussy, you know, like, no big deal.
And she's like, Claire de Lune is great.
And it's supposed to be that, like, see?
She's so different.
I know that, too.
And I couldn't help it.
I was like, my kids have several books that Claire DeLune is in.
Like lullaby books?
If I played Claire DeLune right now, I'm pretty sure my youngest would be like, Claire DeLune.
Like she would know.
Great stuff.
But they make it like this highly niche highbrow thing.
That was not like other girls.
I'm not like other girls.
I'm like, well, you're like my six-year-old.
So you're not that quirky.
Sounds like you had the same lullaby book, Bells.
Yeah, sounds like you had that book.
But yeah, this is when I literally was like, Edward is not safe.
Yeah.
Because she's like, can we fuck?
Like you can tell she's just like, so where do we fuck in here?
And he was like, how about I just take you outside?
He's like, how about we go flying?
Let's go fly.
Hold on tight, spider monkey.
And this is the spider monkey.
Hold on tight, spider monkey is diabolical.
And the visual of when he jumps from tree to tree.
All nimbly bimbly.
It's like he's in this weird position and also is just like oh, looking forward as he flies through the air.
It's the least hot thing I can imagine.
Yeah.
And then he's climbing up the tree, but barely touching it.
And he just looks like how a bear would climb up a tree.
Okay, that I'm not mad at.
The flying, I'm with you.
I'll sign off on that.
You're not mad at the climbing up the tree?
I'm not.
Damn.
I want to climb up the tree.
It's the way he looks.
He's like.
I mean, how do you climb up a tree?
I don't climb up trees.
So this would not do it for me to begin with.
I'd be like, I'm not climbing up a tree.
I would want to climb up the tree.
But yeah, it's a lot.
Yeah.
And at one point, Mike tells Bella that he doesn't like this Edward thing.
Yeah.
And I'd be like, I don't give a fuck, Mike.
When he goes, he just looks at you like you're something to eat.
And I was like, that is quite possibly the worst writing I've ever heard.
So heavy handed.
It's such a clunky line.
Yeah.
It's so clunky.
Like somebody should have heard that and been like too much.
Too much.
Yeah.
Like too much.
Subtleties.
Look it up.
And that's when they go, they go and play baseball and we get, we get Charlie.
Loading his rifle.
Listen, I'm not a gun girl.
I'm not a gun girl either.
I'm not a gun girl.
But in that moment.
But in that moment, I said, oh.
In that moment, we.
I can't say this, but you'll have to cut this out.
In that moment, we signed up for the NRA.
Don't keep that in.
I just had to get it out.
In that moment, so.
Oh.
So Belle is like, hey, so Edward's outside and he's taking me to play baseball.
And he's like, what the fuck?
This is honestly so real.
Yeah.
And she's like, he wants you to meet him.
And he's cleaning his shotgun as he does.
And he just flicks it closed.
Send him in.
And he's like, send him in.
Hot.
And I said, holy shit.
Yeah.
I don't know why, but I was like, Charlie.
Charlie.
Oh, my God, it's being like, it's that dad thing?
Yeah, because i was like oh okay uh, but i'm into it.
Um, but they go to play baseball and this is the super massive black hole, the very classic baseball scene where they play during a thunderstorm so no one can hear it.
Pretty sick, i'm also hard.
I wonder.
Is it in the illustrated guide what happens if a vampire gets struck by lightning?
I don't think it's in the Illustrator.
I didn't see it in the Illustrator guide.
Update it.
Update it.
At one point, Rosalie, when Emmett climbs up a tree to get a ball, he says, my monkey man.
And I said, oh lord.
Family's got a big thing for monkeys.
I said, what's going on here?
Hold on tight, spider monkey.
My monkey man.
The way Nikki Reed delivers her lines as Rosalie, I think she's really good in the first movie.
Because when she says that, that is the gnarliest line to have to deliver.
But I believed it coming out of her mouth.
Yeah.
When she said it, I was like, yeah, Rosalie did say that.
Her and Emmett have a very cute relationship.
Because they are like obsessed with each other.
Yeah.
But then she does say at one point I don't know if it's in the movies or if it's in the books that she would give him up to like be human again, I think.
Oh, yeah.
Because?
So now to Rosalie, back to the illustrated guide when they go back to her backstory.
Rosalie's one dream in life was to get married and have a child.
Right.
That's all she wanted to do.
And like grow old with this person, have a normal life.
And so like she was robbed of all that because she can't have a child.
Which also doesn't make any sense when you think about how Bella gets pregnant.
Holes poke in the lore all over the place.
But I guess when Emmett was turned, it was because he was mauled by a bear.
Oh, fuck.
I didn't even know that.
Uh yeah and, and uh, rosalie finds him and thinks he's like so beautiful and loves him, and but it's said in the illustrated guide that when rosalie was human, she was jealous of only one person and it was her best friend.
Uh vera, i believe her name was, and it's because vera was married, had a husband who loved her and a little boy named henry okay, and that was what she wanted.
Um, and so things are about to get so weird.
They're gonna get so weird because they always do.
Yeah uh, she said that her face, his face, reminded her of like henry i fucking knew you were gonna say of like a child, i fucking knew you were gonna.
And so she was in love with him.
I hate it.
And then carlisle was like, seems like a good enough reason.
I'm telling you you take a peek through that illustrated guide and it will change your life.
I think you just changed my life in that moment, not for the better.
It'll change your goddamn life.
I have been changed.
Forever changed.
For bad.
For bad.
I've not been changed for good.
But they do love each other.
Yeah, they do.
So there's that.
I also love in the baseball scene when Emmett and Edward collide.
Yeah.
And they roll around and giggle.
And if you look closely, Edward flips off.
Oh, does he?
He also does that, like, snap thing, like, oh, man.
Yeah.
But, yeah, that's when we meet, like, Laurent and Victoria.
What a fucking disservice.
Yeah.
We got to talk about Victoria played by, excuse me, Rochelle Lefebvre, I believe it's pronounced.
I have my French guy on unpronounced names.
Tell me.
Lefebvre.
Rochelle.
Listen, nothing against Bryce Dallas Howard.
No, I love Bryce Dallas Howard.
She's great.
She's not Victoria.
She's not Victoria.
Rochelle killed it as Victoria.
The first two movies, especially in New Moon, because she like and you know we're going to cover that.
She's back with a vengeance.
She is just that scene in New Moon where she's jumping through the trees as they're like doing the search party or like the investigation.
Oh my God.
I think that was another sexual awakening for me.
Like, she's amazing.
She's so good.
And then Bryce Dallas Howard is such a great actress.
Like, I'm not saying anything against her in that way.
She doesn't have the energy that the first Victoria had.
That, like, villainess, like... Something about lioness.
That's what it is.
It's like a predator.
Yeah.
Like she had that predatory.
Yes.
And I don't, it just, she killed it.
Like I thought she was so fucking good.
And this is when we kind of meet them all.
And this is after they've killed Waylon.
Yeah.
And she's wearing Waylon's shirt.
Oh, fuck.
I didn't even catch that.
Good call.
Waylon's wearing like some like, it had a shamrock on it and she's wearing it.
That's iconic.
In that scene.
I'm obsessed.
Which makes it even cooler.
And she's got that big fucking fur jacket.
That big fur.
Yep.
I love it.
She just looks so fucking cool and her hair is awesome.
They all look cool.
And she's really good at that like animalistic look that she gives.
Like she just.
Like you said, like predator.
She's really predatory.
But they, of course, James ends up smelling Bella.
Because also.
They put her hair down.
And he, Edward makes her put her hair down.
It was up in a ponytail and she could have just like stuffed it into her jacket.
I don't know if it was masking like her neck and stuff, like masking her like arteries.
And it was just because the wind blew that it kind of like wafted over to him.
Yeah, it just seemed like a bad idea. bad plan all around.
But now he's tracking her and he's not going to stop until he gets her.
He's like obsessed with this.
He's obsessed.
This is just what he does.
He's a tracker.
So they have to get her out of there really fast and, like you have to tell Charlie something because you have to leave your house, because he's not safe.
And Bella says I can't hurt him.
Yeah.
Literally says, I can't hurt him.
And she looks at Edward and says, what do I tell him?
I can't hurt him.
And Edward's like, just shrugs and walks away.
I was like, thank you for the help.
He like jumps out the window.
And so she basically goes with, I hate him.
I'm breaking up with him.
I'm leaving the state.
And Charlie's like, no, you're not leaving the state because you broke up with your boyfriends.
And he says, he's like, did he hurt you?
Yeah.
And he's like, no.
And she's like, I hate him.
He sucks.
And he's like, okay, let's just sleep on it.
He's like, fuck, this is teenage girl shit.
Yeah, and he even says sleep on it.
And if you still feel the same way, I'll drive you to the airport.
Like, let's just talk about it tomorrow.
And then she ends up, she's literally like...
What?
So we can just sit around at the diner every day and like do this and like watch baseball on the flat screen.
Yeah, and I'll just be stuck here like mom was.
And then, like, leaves.
She is so nasty to him.
After saying, I can't hurt him.
I said, I thought you weren't going to hurt that man.
She eviscerates him, slits his throat and he's just standing at the doorway, completely dejected.
It's like the worst yeah, and she and she ends up saying that she said to him what her mom said when she left him yeah, which i was like that's so fucked up, bella.
Yeah, it's like you're not a good person.
No, like That's really bad.
On a much smaller scale.
She's also like, I'll pull over and like stop at a motel if I'm tired.
I'm like, you can't stop at a motel.
You're a minor.
You're 17 years old.
Like, you can't just travel the states.
Get a hotel room.
Like, hello?
What are you talking about?
It doesn't make any sense.
And the fact that Charlie just like lets her go eventually because obviously he's, like you know, frozen because she hurt him so bad.
But I'm like you gotta get in your car Charlie, and like follow her.
Yeah, like, you gotta do something.
I mean, I guess we don't know what he did after she left.
It's true, because, like, they kind of speed off, but... I don't know.
Also when she's going in her room during this scene to like pack her shit.
Edward is just creeping by the door.
Yeah.
Like, just right there.
Like, not even behind the door.
Yeah, just right there.
Like, next to the hinge.
But while they're driving away, there's this big bang on the car.
And they're like, what was that?
And he's like, it's just Emmett.
For some reason that made me laugh so hard because he's like, it's just Emmett.
I would be so fucking angry in that moment.
I would fucking kill Emmett.
I'm being hunted by a like deviant vampire who wants to rip open my arteries, and you allow your buffoon brother to just bump onto the back of this truck.
Any minor inconvenience that happens to me or anything like that.
I'm just going to say it's just Emmett.
It's just Emmett.
It's just Emmett.
Don't worry about it.
If my kids are like, I think there's a monster out there.
I'm like, it's just Emmett.
Don't worry.
I'm like, don't worry.
It's just Emmett.
They end up going to therapy later, being like.
And then she told me about this man named Emmett outside my room.
We still don't know who he is.
We don't know who Emmett is.
We watched Twilight.
We're not sure if it's Kelly Lutz.
I don't get it.
Why is it Kelly Lutz?
Why was Kelly Lutz outside my bedroom?
To this day, I can't drive an open bed truck.
So it ends up that they have to get away.
And, you know, James lures her to her old ballet studio.
With like an old phone.
Yeah.
Or like an old home video of her mom being like, Bella, Bella, where are you?
Like couldn't find her.
Um, cause he tells her he's going to kill her mom if she doesn't show up.
So of course she shows up.
He, she gets the shit kicked out of her and, um, she should have died.
Cause when he throws her, he cracks her, she cracks her head on that corner.
Yeah, he literally yeets her into the corner of, like, a banister.
And there's blood.
I'm like, you just, your skull is sticking into your brain right now.
And, like, Edward can't handle it.
Alice can't handle it.
Carlisle, because, like, she gets bit.
By James.
Before she gets bit.
And when they show up, Emmett, Alice, and Jasper show up as like a trio.
And they just slowly, slowly fall down.
And it's like the Spy Kids movie, the way they descend to the floor.
They're just like, whoop whoosh.
That's wild.
But none of them can handle the blood, especially like, you know.
Especially not Confederate Jasper.
Especially Jasper.
He's all upset.
He's like, I want to eat her alive.
But James has bit her.
Yeah.
So now the venom is going to start turning her if Carlisle doesn't.
If Edward doesn't do something.
Drink, suck out the venom.
Yeah, suck out the venom.
I think that's what it is.
And when she, when he does, Bella's eyes go cross-eyed like several times and it is one of the funniest things I've ever, because she's just like staring at him.
She's dying, but in the funniest way.
Hold on, we got, i gotta film that.
I'm filming it for you guys.
That's perfect and go.
That was perfect, that's what she does, it's perfect presentation.
And oh, and he broke her leg too, so like he, like crunches.
Oh, you were also very angry, rightfully so.
Oh yeah because um carlisle, Also Carlisle's like, her femoral artery is severed.
She's only got a few minutes.
And that was after she's been lying there for a couple minutes.
One, not enough blood.
She would have been dead.
Femoral artery, you have like two to five.
Five minutes is like...
You have a guardian angel.
You might be a superhero.
Like, that's just, like, part... You're bleeding out.
Like, it's gone.
And this takes a long time.
When he says it's severed... Yeah.
That would have been, like... Like, that would have been blood everywhere.
It would have been, like, should have happened to the ketchup bottle.
Literally, like...
I was like, we didn't have to go there.
They also take so fucking long discussing this.
And I'm like, hey, hey, hey, guys.
Well, her femoral artery is severed.
Because she's dying right now.
But they do save her.
And she wakes up in the hospital and, you know, like, Edward's been there.
And her oxygen mask is literally upon her eyebrows.
It's just in her eyebrows.
Like, it's just crazy.
It's a lot.
And when her mom leaves and Edward just walks up to her and is like Bella, you need to go to Jacksonville, Florida.
Hold on.
And you need to go with your mom.
Before that even.
Because we talked about how shitty her mom is.
Oh, yeah.
She wakes up in the hospital, Bella, and she says, what happened?
And her mom is like, oh my God, you were at the Cullens house and you're so clumsy, you crazy bitch.
You tripped and you fell down two flights of stairs and through a fucking window.
Through a window window and we don't know what the bite on your wrist is all about.
No, but i'm sure it wasn't your boyfriend who you none of us trying to leave the state about.
None of us are questioning domestic violence.
You're just a clumsy gal.
None of us guys like no one's god charlie, you're a fucking police officer, excuse me again, the police officer chief.
She has a bite scar on her fucking wrist.
Like, and she was literally in this massive fight, about to leave the state and you just believe that she tripped and fell through a fucking window.
And fell through a window.
I don't know, guys.
I don't know about that.
I think you shouldn't have had a child.
I don't think so.
I think you're really big bad at this.
I don't think they're great at it.
But now Jacksonville.
But yeah, that's when Edward's like, you should just go to Jacksonville.
Like, we shouldn't do this anymore.
Like breaking up with her while she's on oxygen.
Because he's like, I can't endanger you anymore.
And she flips the fuck out.
Yeah, she codes and she's like we can't be apart, we can't, but you can't leave me.
You can't leave me, we can't be apart, you can't ever be away from me.
And i was like this is the most toxic shit i've ever seen in my life.
She literally says you can't say that, you can't say stuff like that to me ever.
And then he said and she's like so you're not going to go, like you're not going to leave me.
He says, where else am I going to go?
And I said Stephanie, I don't think that was the line that you thought it was, because if somebody said that to me I'd be like so it's lack of options.
You know how people say there's like peaks of romance.
This is like the doldrums of romance, quite a valley.
I would say this is that's hell.
That is hell.
That's hell.
Is your beautiful man looking at you and saying where else am i gonna go?
I don't have any other options, so I'm here.
Fuck.
Damn.
That'd be a humbling moment.
But it's not for Bella because they go to prom together.
And she wears leggings under her dress.
And a cardigan over her dress.
Not even just like a cute cardigan either.
Like a grandma cardigan.
Yeah, it's just awful.
But what's fun is it's like Monte Carlo themed.
Yeah.
And when you get there, there's like a big roulette wheel or like a big wheel.
And standing next to the wheel, if you look back on it, is Victoria.
Yep.
In a prom dress with an updo.
She's like, hey.
And you can just see her in the background.
You don't notice it until later.
Yep.
But this is when they dance in the gazebo.
Oh boy, before that, jacob shows up at prom.
I forgot that he shows up.
Jacob shows up at prom in the most diabolical outfit and he's just wearing like his best, his sunday's best.
It's like untucked white shirt and like too short, just a floppy tie tie, exactly.
And he is essentially there because he's like hey, my dad really wants you to break up with your boyfriend and he paid me 20 bucks to come and tell you that here i am and she's like at your prom yeah, and he's like all right, bye later.
Like that, was it?
Like She's like all right.
And so they dance in a gazebo and she's like I really want you to turn me because you know like you're going to stay this way forever and I'm going to get old and die.
And he's like, I don't know about that.
And then he's like, you want me to do it?
You want me to do it right now?
And he starts, she like, leans back her neck and it looks like he's about to do it, but you're like he's not going to do it at your prom.
That's the thing.
This got me when I was 12.
There's literal laws about them not showing people who they are.
You can't drink at prom and you also can't turn into a vampire at prom.
You saw what happens when venom enters your body.
You're going to convulse on the floor for three days.
Like it's not going to be pretty.
She was ready.
So he doesn't.
And he's like, maybe we'll talk about it later.
And she's like, fine.
And then the last thing we see.
Oh, is somebody watching out the window?
And she turns around and it's fucking victoria and she takes the pin that's holding her and she's got tears rolling down her face because remember, her mate was james.
Yeah, And to back up, I forgot to tell you that when James bit Bella, they ripped James to pieces and ripped his head off and burned his body, because that's the only way you can kill a vampire.
Yeah.
And you see it like it's actually awesome, because Alice literally hops up on him and just twists his head off like pop.
Yeah, like a Barbie doll.
Pretty amazing.
Well, like Jasper and Emmett are holding his arms like it's gnarly.
That poor dance studio.
I hope she had insurance.
I know you're not going to really come back from that.
No.
But that's her mate.
And she has the tears running down her face.
And her face looks like... I remember seeing this and being like, oh, fuck.
I said, oh, we're getting a sequel.
And she just walks away.
It's a great ending.
It's so good.
I think it's such a fun, campy, fucking weird-ass movie.
It's the randomest movie of all time.
It's so weird.
And I love it.
How you liking the rain, girl?
How you liking the rain, girl?
Next time it rains, I'm going to come in here and scream that at everyone.
I love it.
As if you could outrun me.
This is the skin of a killer, Bella.
Like, you can't.
And then, this is not even talking about new moon.
I can't.
We touched on it a couple times.
But barely.
I can't Wait.
Let us talk about New Moon, everybody.
New Moon is reckless.
Please allow us.
It is.
It's so reckless.
You loved this.
And if you didn't.
You loved this.
If you didn't, you did.
You loved this.
I said it.
It's so much fun, though.
I love it.
I think it's so much fun.
I hope you guys enjoyed this really big, deep dive that we thought was going to be like 30 minutes and ended up being like four days.
It's great.
How long is it, Mikey?
Like two hours.
Oh my God.
I'm obsessed.
All right.
Well, we have to end this here because Mikey has to edit it.
So we love you guys.
We hope you keep listening.
And we hope you keep it Twilight.
Bye.
The skin of a killer.
Weirdos.
Hello.
Hello.
Thank you.
