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These are my personal opinions always secret professional when you're making choices is about your mental health and well -being.
I used to avoid the hard conversations like the plague.
I used to try to stay away from anything that would affect me.
And she wrote to me and she says, I imagine the wife at home, raising the children while he's out working and then going out at night with other people.
And she said the thoughts are fresh and plague me.
Is this something I can get over?
That's a great question.
I mean right now you're talking about a values question.
If your values in a relationship are honesty and monogamy, commitment and those get violated, those are going to be a big issue that might create a big problem or the relationship could end if you don't have those values in a relationship.
So my first question to the person who shared this with me is do you have those values now with this person?
If you do that's a good sign.
Second, I have a few questions for you, second is do you suspect that he is this way today?
That's something to think about, and you already have, I know you have but that's an important question because if you don't suspect it, that's a huge help, especially if he really isn't that way today, and it will help you get past his past. And I'm going to give you an episode to listen to as well.
In fact, I'll tell you the name of it right now.
It's called and I didn't like dealing with those messes and the people in my life had to face the consequences of my, my inability to address tough subjects or even minor subjects because I didn't want to deal with what I believed would happen.
I didn't want to deal with their reaction.
And that's what I was in every single relationship except the one I'm in now, which is good because this is the best relationship I've had.
And it's mainly because I decided to start said that he never cheated and he never did anything like that never went outside the marriage.
And that's something you have to choose to believe or not.
But if you knew for a fact one hundred percent that he would never ever cheat on you, he would always stay committed to you, wouldn't betray you, and he would be honest with you, would you be able to get over this, his past?
Because I think if the answer is no to that, then there's something deeper going on inside you that you need to reconcile with in a way where you say, I can't be with somebody who has a past like that, so I'm moving on.
Or I can absolutely accept that we've all had our own sorted pasts and I'll be okay.
just have to get over this little hump this little surprising realization this surprising fact about him so once I get over that I can be okay but if you knew for a fact 100 % that he would never ever cheat he would always be loyal to you in this relationship then would you be okay could you be okay after or processing this for a little bit.
If the answer's no, then self, I like to call it a surety of self, surety of self.
And when she saw that she realized that she couldn't bulldoze me.
She couldn't just tell me what to do when I do it.
I mean, I would do mostly anything she asked anyway, but it was an opportunity for her to get to know who I am at a deeper level because she didn't really have that experience with other people in her life.
Other people may have let her bulldoze them.
They may have felt that they get into a place where you can tell yourself yes if I could absolutely trust that he would never do that again then I can be comfortable.
If you can get to that place then you can move forward in this relationship and not have it bother you.
Because I tell you what, and this is, there's going to be some thoughts, some random, yet legitimate thoughts.
As a former 20 year old man, I had a completely different mindset.
I was basically 16 for a good 10 years.
That's sort of realistic.
Really is I was 16.
I was never the type of person that would betray the person I was with, but And I thought about it and it didn't mean I followed through I just thought about it because I would see different women that I was attracted to and I thought wow, that's really nice.
I'm gonna keep it clean.
In my teens and twenties, a lot of men, typically men, women do this too, and a lot of people out there do this.
A lot of men are still not mature enough, still don't understand the repercussions and and the pain caused by not being loyal and betraying.
And so there were some close calls in my life and being too aggressive or assertive or dominating because that allows me to be myself.
And I've seen this in relationships where somebody takes charge and has to be assertive or even aggressive because the other person won't do it or won't stand up or won't take charge or won't do what they need to do, and so the other person who doesn't necessarily want to be that way has to step in or they feel like they have to step in and take it step person again and face myself because the moment might be nice but after that moments over extreme guilt and shame and then facing my partner extreme guilt and shame and now I have to I would have to tell her that's just who I am.
Because I couldn't keep it in I couldn't hold on to that huge of a lie.
It's just terrible it's hard to hold on to something so big so That's how I was brought up but full transparency here I had thoughts I had those thoughts and I was a teenager and I was in my 20s And it was something that came to my mind But I never followed through and not all people will do that Some people will follow through.
Some people will cheat on their partner.
Now, the reason I mentioned teens and 20s is because when you're in your teens and 20s, you're still learning about relationships.
You're still learning how to show up in the world.
This is not an excuse.
This is not justification at all for that behavior.
But I do remember being that age and thinking of things that I wanted to do but never followed through.
But not everyone is like that.
Not everyone did that, but I'm more willing to look at someone who in their past did those things, made those mistakes, maybe the type A personality, maybe they are assertive or even aggressive and all of those things combined can make somebody appear to be more aggressive or harsh than they really are.
They just feel like they have to take that role and I've been with people who felt like they had to take that role.
So over the years I've actually appreciated more masculine, more stronger women as far as personality type.
I appreciated that stronger, confident woman.
I still appreciate it but I would look for those qualities that can't be rebuilt.
but just telling you now if you need to hear this infidelity always destroys a relationship in some way whether it's found out whether the other person starts acting really differently happier sometimes they show up happier and so you'd start to wonder what's going on and so the other person starts to investigate and it always gets discovered and I would say 99 % of the it gets discovered so it's just not worth it I mean it's not worth it anyway you shouldn't do that to your partner but it's just not worth it anyone considering that out there definitely not worth it always gets discovered and there's
always huge heartache it just hurts like hell so that's a pain in fact I talked to a therapist once who said aside from losing a child infidelity is the most painful thing I think it was just women but it might be Anyone, anyone could, could go through.
I thought, wow, infidelity, because it's such a, such a huge betrayal.
If you're going to open your heart that much to someone and be that vulnerable, where you feel free to be yourself, like they get to see the fear and insecurity drive your behaviors.
You're going to get what you get because of that.
You're going to continue getting outcomes that may not serve you.
In fact, I would say that because of my fear of confrontation, and my continuous need to please others, and make sure they're comfortable, and put them before me, and wanting them to like me, and wanting them not to hate me, because I put that at the forefront, I just grew burnt out, I grew resentful, and I never got the outcomes I wanted.
If again if my boss was yelling at me, I didn't confront it.
To her today she would be totally upset by it and it makes sense that she has her reservations because now she is dating someone just for a few months now that has this history and she doesn't know what to do with this information.
This is why I asked those questions especially the one do you trust him now?
If you knew he was never going to cheat?
Would you be okay?" And she might say he's never shown me any strange behaviors.
I've never really suspected him of doing anything like that.
I know where he is all the time and if that's the case, great!
We got past that one hurdle.
If that's not the case, that's a different story.
If you do have suspicions, even before this conversation—because that's important too— if you've had suspicions before this conversation, then you… you know, you've heard me say this maybe before maybe not but I'm all for investigating.
I'm all for investigating because you should investigate gut feelings.
What that means to you and what that means to me might be a little different, but if I had that gut feeling and I just I just wanted to know there's something but I'm okay because man I can feel good every day waking up knowing who I am.
Knowing that I am following a morally and ethically sound path on my career, in my personal life.
I just value integrity and dignity and my character.
I value those over my pursuit of money.
If I valued money first, there are so many things that have come across my desk that I've said no to.
and money was a factor as far as like being in the enticing factor like whoa there's some money in this but do I want to do it secure in the relationship I can't feel comfortable being myself and if I can't feel comfortable being myself my partner's not going to get all of me or at least the parts that I want to give the person I want to put out there into the Relationship the person I want to be which is basically all of me But you get what I'm saying.
You just want to feel so comfortable in the relationship that you can be yourself 100 % and so this person who Told me the story that her current boyfriend had this Sorted history, like I said, we all have this sorted history.
Maybe not this bad maybe worse but some people have histories that we don't agree with.
I once dated somebody that had a history that I would definitely not agree with if it happened today, but that was her past. It became my present because it was new information.
This is what happens.
We hear new information, it becomes our present.
They have reflected.
They have dealt with it.
Maybe they've processed it.
Maybe they've moved past it.
Maybe they didn't have anything to process.
Maybe they just realized, I don't want to have Be this person about that decision.
And she'll think about it.
She'll go through the motions.
She'll visualize it.
She'll visualize herself waking up, and she'll either say, oh, I feel so good.
I'm so glad I made that.
Or I kind of regret it.
And then I ask the question in the opposite, where I say, OK, let's just say that you said yes to this decision.
You wake up tomorrow and now you have this thing, whatever it is, how do you feel about it?
waking up tomorrow, how do you feel about that?
So she visualizes that.
Thinks about herself, waking up out of bed and has that feeling or has that thought and shares that with me, and then she knows partners.
You are taking on their burden by being in the moment with him today, with his history as your reference, taking it on as if you were his partner in the past. And what that does is you are putting yourself in the place of those partners, which is their burden.
Not yours. And when you do that, you are taking on too much. That's their burden.
Not yours. Your burden is something different.
And I'm not saying this is a magic pill.
I'm not saying it get over it because I agree that you need to be a little bit aware of what he might be doing because some people show their cards at the at the beginning of the relationship so they can say, hey, I told you I was this way.
Or B, some people show you their cards to be honest about who they were.
This could be exactly what he's doing, in fact, let's just say that this is what his plan was, was to be honest with you, to show you that this is who he is today and he never wants to be that way again.
That would be a great question.
Would you ever want to be that way again?
and if you said, well, it was fun.
And yourself, you question the logic and everything else.
And sometimes even though it'll be hardship, the decision gets a yes.
Yes, it'll be a hardship having a car, but I can do 20 things that I couldn't do before.
So there's an outweighing that can happen.
That outweighing might make your decision.
And if I have a car and I need more money, I could deliver pizzas or what have you.
As you've already heard me say on this episode I've spent so many years trying to avoid uncomfortable moments simply because passed openly and he doesn't talk about it proudly.
But he does talk about it as if he owns the past, like I own what I did, I take responsibility for what I did.
Then that is something that I would add a plus one, you know, you have a column, right?
This is a minus one, this is a plus one, that's a plus one.
So you add up all the ones at the end and find out if you're in the positive.
That's a plus one minus one, you had this passed and you it didn't hurt those people.
Plus one, you're being honest about it with me right now.
Maybe minus one or zero, that he could be capable of it again, but you don't know, or maybe you feel comfortable that he's not that way, and if you feel comfortable that he's not that way anymore, plus one, then I don't mean to make it so black and white, but you got to consider all the variables here, well, all the logistics and find out if he ends up in the positive, If he ends up in the positive, then can you move forward?
And I know right now you're probably dealing with the idea that if this happened to me today, wherever you get your podcasts.
I want to come back to what I started talking about, which is being afraid to confront, being afraid to talk to people, to express to them what's on your mind and What outcomes are you getting because of that?
If that's what you're going through If it's not what you're going through then you might know somebody like this, but there are people who?
They have this front.
It's either a defensive front or an avoidance front or they withdraw they're silent they're telling you the truth that he is not that person anymore because why would a cheater tell you this is what I do in relationships except the last one?
There are reasons, there are manipulators out there that might do that.
Sure, you have to go with your gut feeling there or you have to investigate there or you have to, you might need reinforcement.
The reinforcement is the facts.
Like what facts do you learn about him more and more as you go forward. For example, he's late one night, and you wonder where he was.
What does this mean?
He was late. And then you found out where he was.
And his story got corroborated by your own family, or his brother, or whatever.
And that reinforces that he's telling the truth.
His truth about him being loyal to you is reinforced, or at least honest with you that's reinforced because he was late and you discovered that he was late because he was with somebody you knew and it was all good there was no shenanigans going on and that kind of reinforcement if it happens enough what's going on why are you so angry and they say I'm not angry so now they're not even talking about it but this back and forth can go on sometimes for weeks or months maybe years because there's something they want to say or there's something they have to say.
But they're so afraid to say it.
Because of some insecurity, some fear that's running the show in the background.
They're so afraid to express themselves because of the consequences.
And again, the reason I'm sharing this is because I don't want you to have to wait for days or weeks or months because somebody refuses to express themselves and tell you what's on their mind.
I've seen this over and over and many really she told me and her teens and I don't know if early twenties but I know in her teens she was very promiscuous and she told me that she did that and she owns it and that's not who she is anymore.
She prefers one person to be with and she tried over and over again to find the right person and be in a good relationship and now she found the right person.
It was according to her.
And according to me, I found the right person too.
But this is how she feels now she found the right person, she's with the right person.
And this is who we're going to be with until everything goes away, or we die.
So we talked about her past. I mean, not in detail, but she brought it up.
And it was something that I used to have a big problem with when I was younger.
I did not want somebody who has been around that much, however you want to say that.
I did not want somebody who has done that.
That was when I was younger.
Then, I had to reconcile some thoughts, some conflicts inside of me.
Like why? That was my question.
Why don't you express to you or express in general, probably to you, though, but they don't want to do it because of the fear of the consequences, whether that means you leaving them, firing them, or some other consequence that they don't want to deal with it's very likely they don't want to share something with you and what ends up happening is because they're withholding they will become different because they have to deal with that in themselves and the way they deal with it is just holding back and repressing and a lot of the times the reason they're doing this is either a because they want
you to force it maybe what this person's having to when I had all these thoughts that came to mind and I asked myself the next question.
Well, what if the roles were reversed?
What if you had multiple partners?
Lots and lots of them, let's just say you did Paul, and I asked myself do you think it's okay for her to have a problem with that?
And I just tried these reversed roles and I finally realized that I was having a problem with her having multiple partners you know our previous partner of mine because I never did.
I had like one or two by the time you know I was 20 something and it really bothered me that she had all these partners and I didn't.
It bothered me because I asked myself well would it be a problem if you did have multiple partners Paul.
Would you want that?" and my teenager slash 20 year old self would be all about it.
Yeah bring it on right?
Because I'm young and my hormones are going crazy let's let's do that but that wasn't who I was so I moved past that point in my life actually went through this in my first long -term relationship I had to force her to say she was no longer in love with me I had to force that out of her and nerd. I think I grew judgmental and critical thoughts about people who did that and it took some reflection some conflict resolution inside myself where I finally realized if I had done that in my past would I want to be judged like that and you know we had these moral and value conversations with ourselves
where we say things like well I would never do that I would never do that with multiple people I would never expose myself to that the body is my temple and I don't want you have these conversations with yourself and you get convinced that you're right you get into confirmation bias you know this is what I believe and I don't want to believe that that's good in any way shape or form.
Now I'm not talking about necessarily this person who wrote this person who wrote has a problem with probably the betrayal.
The wife's at home and he's out gallivanting, cheating on her while she does all the home stuff and raises the kids.
And she probably has a a huge issue with that because it's against your values.
And it's probably against anyone listening, probably against your values.
If you believe that you have a monogamous relationship, and it should stay that way, and then the person cheats on you.
It's a huge values violations, a relationship boundary that's being crossed, that now you have to make a decision on as soon as you find out about it, now you have to make a decision on and a lot of people will not allow that in their relationship.
I know I wouldn't. I wouldn't allow that in my relationship.
And what happens when it's multiple times and that person has been married for years and they've been cheating on and on.
Want you to have to go two years or longer or anytime.
I don't want you to have to go through any length of time before you find out what they really want to say.
If somebody is in your life and they're being defensive, they're being silent and they're just acting differently, different than they used to act, something's going on.
Don't just take it for granted.
Don't just think that they're just having a bad few days.
I mean, they might be, for sure.
They might be having a few bad days and then after, hopefully you can have a conversation about it.
But if it's never discussed, if it's been a few days or a week or more and communication has been strained and you've not known what's going on and you're not sharing anything with you, I mean everyone has a right because if he is not like that anymore you might have a really honest person that says this is who I was I didn't like it and I'll never try it again I got it out of my system.
It's out of the way.
It's in the past, as opposed to somebody who's never tried it and has thought about it a lot and then says, hmm, I wonder what that's like.
And now you're with them, and then they go try it.
They go cheat. And now you have somebody that may not have done it in the past, didn't tell you that they were ever dishonest, and they go do it.
But then you have somebody like this person met that did have this past, and is over it, got it out of his system, and wants to move forward, and now she has an opportunity to be with somebody who probably doesn't want that lifestyle anymore.
I don't know, but I'm giving you different perspectives, and if you're wondering, because I've never done in the past, doesn't mean I want to.
I don't want anything to do with that way too much trouble way too much. In fact, sometimes it's just something that isn't even a big deal.
I remember, I think it was, yeah, Asha, my wife near the beginning of our beginning of our relationship.
She said something to me and she had been holding back for, I think, weeks or a good month.
And I finally said, what's going on?
You've been acting different, you've been acting differently for this period of time and I told her what she's doing that's different and I've told this on the air before so I won't get into it but she finally expressed it and when she expressed it I said oh that's it I mean it was important to her I didn't mean to minimize it but I said oh you should have told me sooner because we could resolve this right now we can fix it if you're ever falling out of love let's talk about it let's put it on the table so that it never reaches a point where I've tried everything nothing works I'm gonna go out
and cheat on you it doesn't get that far and it shouldn't should never get that far because you should bring up the hard conversations before it becomes worse and worse is when you haven't talked about it and you're just holding in resentment or you really want something more in the relationship and you believe you can't get it so you go out and cheat.
That shouldn't be the way.
That's not the next step.
The next step is, hey, I'm not satisfied in this relationship.
You're having a conversation with the person you're with.
I'm not satisfied in this relationship and I want to talk about it.
And then you have the hard conversation because it's, believe me, that's easier then seeking somebody else and cheating and coming back to the relationship after you've cheated and dealing with all that when it gets discovered that's just not what do you want to share with me and she did and I said really that's it again it sounds like I'm minimizing but I said that's that's no big deal we can fix that we can work through that and I'm sorry whatever I was doing I didn't realize that it was hurting you I didn't realize that that was a problem And that's not going to happen again.
I'm not going to make you feel that way again or whatever I was doing.
I don't remember anymore.
But it was so relieving for her because as soon as she expressed it, we were close again.
It was relieving for her.
And after that, she has no problem telling me off.
I mean, telling me what to do.
I mean, telling me the truth.
I mean, expressing to me.
What's on her mind.
She has no problem now.
there you're going to have thoughts or maybe you will have thoughts about going outside the relationship I'm a fan of ending the relationship first or separating before you do that I can't be judgmental about the people who don't do that I won't be judgmental about people who realized that their relationship was over anyway so they sought somebody else outside the relationship because there all kinds of circumstances.
That one for example, the relationship has ended and now this person sought somebody outside the relationship and when that happens it's usually because that person has decided this relationship is over anyway.
Again I'm not a fan of that but I know it happens and I won't judge you for it but it is something that will lead to discovery.
It will be discovered and it it will be a lot harder to talk about after.
This is one of those things where asking for forgiveness before permission probably doesn't work too well.
So nipping it in the bud ahead of time can't hold onto a betrayal like that because it will just eat away at me and our relationship will never experience the quality that it could because I am holding onto a betrayal, something I did against her, against the relationship against the relationship boundaries and values and I don't want to go day to day with that on my mind and not having it out in the open and I you know if I would never do that but if I did betray her in some way I couldn't hold on to it I would have to tell her I could not do it and I would also have to face the consequences
and that is what changed my life for the better.
Facing the concept just wants an open relationship, and that's another values thing that you have to deal with inside yourself, if that's the case.
Not gonna talk about that in this episode, but that does happen too.
And so to the person who wrote, I think I gave you everything I can.
I told you about that episode to listen to when their sexual history bothers you at TheOverwhelmedBrain .com.
You also may want to listen listen to episodes on obsession.
Just go to OverwellingBrain .com and type in the word obsessed in this search bar because those kinds of obsessive thoughts keep you in a rut.
They will keep you stagnant and you will not be as happy as you could be in the relationship.
And so you have to get past those obsessive thoughts and really consider if you can trust this person today.
If they are trustworthy and you do realize that they're not going to be this dishonest person, this infidel.
If you realize that and you know that they have changed, then also think about a future where let's just say that you were over this.
You were past this.
It doesn't make you feel bad every day.
You're waking up every day thinking, I'm still holding on to that.
I mean, there might be things that you do hold onto for whatever reason.
You just don't want to make a habit of it.
So anyway, I hope you get something from what I talked about today and I appreciate you stopping by.
Thanks for listening to another episode of The Overwhelmed Brain, and if you find value in this show and you want to give back head over to moretob .com.
Patrons do that all the time.
I have patrons that join the monthly program and they just give and that just warms my heart and so i'm grateful to you patrons thank you for giving back i appreciate you and for a show and how to navigate the difficult relationship head over to my other podcast called love and abuse over at love and abuse .com and if you know you're the difficult one in the relationship join the program that is helping a lot of people here ones where you feel bad all the time or most of the time that's how i like to look at it is that emotionally abusive relationships basically leave you feeling bad all the time
and unsure and confused.
You can find that over at loveandabuse .com and also if you're the difficult one in the relationship, if you know you're the one causing the difficulties with the person in your life, join the program that is helping a lot of people heal over at healedbeing .com.
And with that always keep your mind open because that's how you make the best decisions and be firm in your decisions and actions so that you can create the life you want.
Always take steps to grow and evolve.
You are powerful beyond measure.
And above all, and this is something I absolutely know to be true about you, you are amazing.
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