Mother Nature made me look like something leathery and scary, but then, for some reason, inside I have a bubbly schoolgirl who giggles when he's delighted at things.
I'm Nick Offerman.
This is For The Record.
Right.
Oh, Lord.
This is an episode of Parks and Recreation from maybe season three.
Amy Poehler wrote and directed it and she gave us each these little like drunken solos, which was sort of just a party game to see if we could make Amy laugh.
And I believe I won the contest.
Who broke the milk during Parks and Rec?
Probably Aziz.
Aziz was not a classically trained artist.
He snapped like a thin twig.
This is my friend Rainn Wilson and I meeting for lunch one day near my wood shop.
Good Lord.
Despite the color of my beard, it's amazing how young we look.
We were meeting to talk about a film idea.
We were kind of workshopping where we would play centaurs.
His centaur was more of a cleric. and mine was more of a warrior, and it was a comedy idea.
In the pitch, we took our shirts off, and that's when the pitch ended.
I met Rain in the, gosh, in the 90s, late 90s.
We were a couple of theater nerds who would often audition against each other for like the weird guy in the basement.
We just hit it off like you develop friendships with these guys that you're lucky enough to be auditioning with.
What do you guys do when you hang out?
You know, we create the pentagram.
We, you know, we erect the symbols.
We prepare the child.
We carve the child and we consume the child.
You know, Hollywood stuff.
Can you believe that?
This is my first appearance on Will & Grace as a plumber being abused by my wife, Megan Mullally.
I had been around her show.
I was like the mascot.
I loved watching them make it, but it was so fast paced and nimble, which are not things that are associated with my particular style.
So when they put me on it, I was terrified that I would do everything accurately enough to make the cut.
When I'm around her I'm like a little kid that they're like.
Would you like to play baseball with Shohei Itani?
I'm looking up at the giant talent that is my wife And I've gotten to work with her a lot.
When she started playing Tammy 2 eventually on Parks and Recreation, she immediately took us out in the yard under the soft grass so that we could practice violent kissing, which was nice, because we were then able to bring that back into our home.
They say, don't bring your work home with you, but sometimes it's nice.
And i still can't believe that she has chosen me to one day uh, enter her marriage bed.
She has promised that someday we will consummate our marriage and i'm going to keep doing the dishes until until that happens.
Brought strangers into our situation.
This is me playing Bill in episode three of season one of The Last of Us.
Oh.
Well, aren't I the lucky one?
It was the most incredible script I've ever been handed for an episode.
As soon as we read it, everyone knew that this was incredibly special and hopefully we wouldn't screw it up.
The response from the world was so gratifying.
Everyone agreed like this made us feel harder than anything it ever has, and so i was really glad to be a vessel for his writing.
What was your favorite part about winning that?
It's really nice to get a pat on the back.
I mean, our jobs are crazy and you, i do my funny dance and people have a diversion from the horrors of the world for a second.
So, you know, it was really nice.
Also, we have a closet at our house.
That's where the awards live.
We had to have the shelves reinforced from Megan's SAG Awards and Emmys and all of her stuff.
And I have a couple of certificates. from my time in Chicago.
And so that was maybe the best part was having an Emmy of my own to put beneath mother's trophy shelf.
Oh, hell yeah.
This is from my show, Making It, that I did with Amy Poehler for NBC or Universal or Peacock.
Or by the time this airs, Exxon, Mobil, Chipotle, on Fox Disney.
Mother Nature made me look like a gruff, intimidating, something leathery and scary.
But then, for some reason, inside I have a bubbly school girl who giggles when he's delighted at things.
So, you know, it's classic counterpoint.
Amy loved the Great British Baking Show.
And so she said, I want to do a show like this that's just a hug of a show.
And she came up with the idea to do a crafting version.
As she says, she knows nothing about crafting.
She's a complete novice.
So I need somebody to host it with me who knows his way around a pair of scissors.
And I happen to be that lucky donkey.
I was over the moon that she asked me to do this.
I love this show so much.
When I see people in the public probably half the time, especially families love this show and want to talk about it more than anything I've done.
If you could craft anything for Amy, what would it be?
A place to take a nap.
She works too hard.
It would be the ultimate hammock.
Who's been cooking in my kitchen?
I listen.
My nostrils widen.
I'm stricken.
It's bacon.
This is my slam poetry to bacon for college humor.
I'm a little foggy on this one.
There were years where college humor and Funny or Die were a couple of generators of content.
You know, you'd just get these calls that were like hey, will you come eat?
See how many cabbages you can eat in one minute.
It's for a thing, and you know, they've got 13,000 views, and you're just like, okay.
Somehow I get a trophy at some point.
If I were going to write a slam poetry about anything today, it would be about soil health.
You would be surprised how sexy I can make it.
Here we have my cover of Esquire magazine.
What a life.
This life is rich.
Chelsea Handler and I got naked.
And I have to say, she's so funny, but also terrifying.
And I was very grateful being in this vulnerable position with her.
She was very gentle with me.
She could have really destroyed my manhood in many ways that day.
Looking at it with an attempt at objectivity, I would say we are confident in ourselves and we're a couple of voices that don't give a fuck.
No, pretty much.
When you're in a room with 18 people and they're like trying to light you and you're wondering like why do they keep?
Why are they putting that bounce card underneath my side pussy?
Okay.
This is my Yule log video.
My favorite scotch was Lagavulin 16.
Then it became Ron Swanson's scotch on the show, and they had me start doing commercials for them.
And one of our writers, who also was a great writer on Brooklyn Nine-Nine, named David Phillips, just casually said hey, you know how they do the Yule log that you can put on your TV while you have a if you're broke and you don't have a fireplace.
What if we do that, but it's you next to a fireplace, just like sipping scotch?
So we shot this and the longest take we could do was 45 minutes before the camera ran out of memory.
And actually the guy from Lagavulin was like on the phone with corporate, he was sweating.
He wasn't sure about this.
And he said okay, they have to determine how much whiskey is in the glass, because it's very important not to condone intoxication drinking responsibly.
And so the company said that I could only take a sip every 15 minutes.
We hit record and everybody just like quietly sat there for 45 minutes while I stared down the barrel of the camera.
Somebody strung that together into like a 10 hour edit.
Nobody has the patience to just watch it to see if it ever starts over again.
So people really think that we shot a 10 hour shot of this, which I appreciate their generous estimation of my stamina.
Next up.
Nick has told me he has not rewatched it.
Liar.
He jerks off to it every night.
This is the actor, Aubrey Plaza, accusing me of pleasuring myself to an NBC product which I strongly resent.
I have not done that.
How I spill my seed is none of her business.
Amy and Aubrey are powerful witchy performers with a lot of charisma and they like to make fun of me because I'm not.
My wife and I got to sit and watch Will & Grace when it would air.
You're checking in to make sure, you know, people are getting what you're putting down.
And so we did the same thing with Parks and Recreation and everything else we do.
We love to watch it together, but then we just never have cause to watch it again.
Like we've done that.
If I'm going to watch something over and over again, it's going to be like Ice Road Truckers or Axemen, and then I'm just going to become an alcoholic and have an incredible collection of axes.
All right?
This is me as my character, Jinx, in the new Apple TV show, Margo's Got Money Trolls.
Chavo Guerrero is a pro wrestler who trained me.
I trained with him for three weeks and I got to learn all these moves.
So not only could i achieve these wrestling moves, but i also then did not have to go to the hospital afterwards, which was a huge victory.
Jinx's move?
Uh, because his name is jinx and he will cast his glamour upon you, and so he does this to jinx you, which leaves his opponents momentarily dazed, so he can come and deliver.
His coup de grace is Coop De Gracie.
Elle Fanning kicks it up a notch, like the greatest young actress of our age.
She turns it up like two or three, it's crazy.
And then Michelle Pfeiffer, this cute up-and-comer.
You're gonna freak out when you get a load of Michelle Pfeiffer.
Her monumental career that she turns in this incredible performance.
That's an entirely new color palette for her is so wild to ride along next to.
And they play these two single moms who are messy and human and so heroic.
The contribution that moms make and single moms and women in our society, and the way that we treat them, whether it's being involved in sex work or raising kids.
If I was going to be at your water cooler, I would try to engender the conversation around that, even though it may be somewhat around my buttocks.
Thank you for watching.
Tune in to Margo's Got Money Troubles on Apple TV.
It's astonishing despite my participation.
Thank you for your patience.
