The conversation and for you to hear one of my favorite strategies that truly did start to shift things with my kid who used to be pretty slow to warm up.
I'm Dr. Becky and this is Good Inside.
We'll be back right after this.
Before I was a parent, I thought planning a family vacation would be a breeze until I realized how much has to come together for a trip with two adults and three kids.
We need to pick a destination, research activities that somehow work for a tween end of first grader.
He loves that. That's his thing.
He's actually very intellectually curious.
He always wants to know about things, but he's always just hesitant to start things new.
But the idea of exposing oneself to new opportunities is something that my husband and I value.
So over the years, when he was special and he was younger, we would sign him up for things even if he would say no, try to arrange for friends to be part of activities if he could.
He'd always be initially pretty hesitant to resist him, but almost every time he'd come home saying that he enjoyed the experience.
As he's emerged into his teen years, we've been trying to pull back on that a little bit and let him make more of his own decisions, more on that consultant advisor role.
Then also to experience some of the natural consequences of that.
We've had a couple of experiences like that, like there was a model United Nations program that I thought he would really like because he loves geography and politics.
And I explained what was a good idea.
He joined me for the webinar and then he basically was like, no, just don't want to do it.
So no real reason. And I decided not to push it.
It was hard for me, but I didn't push it any further.
So basically, we want to continue to sort of pull back and allow him to make more decisions, but we keep...
there's a big one kind of coming up.
And so I've been having some anxiety about it, just about how to handle it, which is...
He currently goes to a school that goes through 12th grade.
He's in eighth grade right now.
It's a smaller school, which I think has some strengths, but also has some limitations with regard to opportunities and extracurriculars they have.
And then he has an option to go to a larger high school, but I think has more opportunities.
He's a really bright. I think I see him sort of becoming...
They often do benefit from a parent kind of seeing their capability a little bit.
You know, not pushing them, but maybe like scaffolding for them.
They do benefit from it.
But at the same time, Senali, what really, you know, comes to mind is I feel like this is a dance for parents.
It's a dance between how much do I kind of allow my kid to make decisions independently and how much are they kind of who they are?
And do I just need to kind of respect that, especially if it's different for me?
And then how much is it my job to just help them move a little bit more toward their edge and just grow a little bit?
And the first thing I just want to say is no parent has this exactly right.
And I think if you're a parent who's as I kind of call like doing this dance, that's the best it gets.
And so it sounds like you've been doing the dance for some time.
And I just want to give you credit for doing that.
It sounds like, you know, you kind of have these moments, okay, we're going to push.
Okay, that's fine. We're not going to push.
And, you know, I think the only thing we really have as parents is a little bit of like our intuition about which side to lean into.
And then there's moments like this, where it's like, okay, there's a big moment, it's like a school choice, which school, you know, do I lean into the school that kind of embodies this maybe pushing a little bit toward the edge and growing?
Do I lean into the school that seems a little safer and more in line with my kids temperament and what they would choose on their own?
So I just want to come out and say, I don't think there's a right choice.
And I do think it, you know, we can kind of talk through this together.
That's what I would say.
So one of the things I kind of want to name is I think it would be really helpful to kind of familiarize, I guess I would say.
I like the idea of like calling it out and sort of helping them understand his own brain a little bit better.
I think that's exactly right.
Because if we picture it, right, we all, I think are kind of like the driver of our car.
And in the back seat are all these parts of us that kind of chirp.
So ones like don't do that, do that.
They're feelings, their thoughts, their urges, those are passengers, they're parts of us.
None of our passengers are a problem.
The reason our passengers become problematic is only because they take over the driver seat.
And if the driver seat is constantly voice or it could be bad voice and the second voice is kind of I am capable and I'll get through it voice.
And I think the truth is if we can help him start to recognize those parts, then what happens is it's him talking to that part of him.
Instead of that part of him taking over because I think what's happened is you often can find the kind of resilient part in him to your credit, Sonali.
I think you've always seen that in him.
Even when he can't access it himself, which is why he kind of says thank you.
I mean, that is something you did it.
Like you did really well.
And so maybe I'm going to try out, right?
And I think me and you as parents would be like, oh my goodness, that was just like the biggest parenting win ever, right?
Because that's what we're really trying to get him to.
So that was a conversation I would just start to have outside the moment.
I wouldn't bring it up in the context of trying out or a new school, but just I think that would be helpful framework.
And I think if you can also share, and by the way, I have these parts too, then it's not just him.
We all have those parts.
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So if you're a parent seeking us talk about this because he sort of always wants to bump it down the road or you know, and then I'll say, oh, well, so, but when can we talk about this?
You know, because it, but yeah, so he just he that part just kicks in so ideally for him.
And so I don't know how to, I think if I have to make sure not to get him like emotional, you know, so I'm getting a much lose thing about like how he feels like so scary, you know, and so like, I don't know how to.
But let me give you a few tools for that because to me when we tell ourselves like I can't get him up here.
So if they come, you'll get what's going on.
Because then what you're doing is he won't assign a meaning to your tears that you don't want them to, which some kids are like, oh, I made my mom cry.
Or, oh, I'm disappointing my mom or I'm a bad kid, right?
So you're almost pre labeling something.
This is actually just makes me think when people say, um, how do I talk to my kid about sex?
I'm like, so awkward. I say, just tell them, hey, if I'm awkward, it's because no one ever talked to me about this when I was a kid.
It's not because there's anything wrong with this conversation.
Just want to let you know in advance.
And it kind of like just defuses the off, not a binary you want.
We want both parts of the conflict to be in your son's body.
We want him to understand the conflict, not for us to split it.
Does that make sense? It's kind of like, I don't know, Finna partnership.
You're like, um, deciding what family to go to for the holidays.
And if your partner says, I don't want to go to your family.
All of a sudden, you're like, well, I do.
Even though maybe you're like, I don't even want to do that.
Why did I say that? Where if they say, we should really go to your family.
It's more likely for you to say, actually, no, let's get my family this year, right?
Because that's the essence of what happens when you split conflict.
So what you're doing when you approach your kid with, hey, I'm feeling I notice both sides of the conflict.
Instead of being heavy handed with one, you're actually making it a lot more likely that your kid can also see both sides instead of just owning one.
Am I am I making sense? Yeah.
That makes perfect sense.
And I think that's where the next couple years, right?
Especially as our kid become older and older and become closer to adulthood, like what an empowering thing for him one day.
I could picture him in college and saying, do I want to sign up for this class?
It's something I've never done.
And if he's able to say, I'm going record and say this, I hear myself like, oh, do I think he should go to the biggest school?
I feel myself going that direction.
I don't, you know, like you know the details of the schools much better than I do when can kids really grow and learn in a smaller environment, 100% for some kids that's better.
And so I really see benefits in both ways.
I think the most important thing is you kind of helping him understand these parts and you continuing to see that he can be really capable in the face of this hesitation as opposed to the hesitation.
Yes. And I think you're right.
I think this is like such a powerful path and it also takes away the anxiety weight.
I can have a win either way.
It's not really about the school.
It's about actually helping him have a framework to understand himself and that framework is going to travel with him far longer than the school decision.
Uh-huh. Yeah, exactly.
Well, I would love to hear how it goes.
I really love the updates.
So please let us know. And I just also want to say it's so clear how centered you are on him and who he is and wanting to further empower him.
And I just think that's really amazing.
Thank you so much. This has been really, really helpful.
I'll let you know. I want to make sure you know where you can get more resources.
If you're struggling with a kid who's really hesitant, who's full of a lot of fear and a lot of anxiety, I really love my approach for helping kids with anxiety.
And what I know is it's kind of a 180 from a lot of the information out there.
My approach is really based on empowering kids through their capability and empowering you to see that in your kid as well.
If you're in good inside membership, just look up my kid's anxiety workshop.
There's also a bunch of scripts and guides around that if you don't have time for something longer.
And if you're not in membership, check that out via the link in our show notes.
Today's episode is in partnership with Airbnb and Happy Egg.
Thank you for listening.
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