From fitness routines to mental resilience, navigating personal goals to tackling burnout, we all need a little help being human.
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If you're looking to move with more intention or just need thoughtful guidance on living better, Life Kit delivers strategies to help you make meaningful, sustainable change.
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Gretch, you and I are always trying to add whimsy to our lives, so I really appreciated an episode about how to bring more play into life.
Love play. Life Kit isn't just another podcast about self -improvement.
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Let's talk about the Defender 110.
It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer.
Gretchen, I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110.
It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough.
The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability.
It has a raised hood and sculpted grill that give Give the Defender 110 a modern edge.
Yeah, it has 3D surround cameras with clear sight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain.
Clear sight rear view offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window.
Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler.
Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey.
Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA .com.
Visit LandRoverUSA .com to learn more about the Defender 110.
Explore the Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA .com.
Hello! We're here for More Happier, a podcast where we get happier.
It's the weekend. It's a seven common myths about happiness, ideas that sound right but can actually make it harder to feel good day to day.
Once we spot them, it's easier to stop wasting our efforts on things that don't work.
We first covered these eight years ago, and I still find myself falling for them all the time, Gretch. Myth number five is a big one for me, which is that you'll be happy as soon as the project's done.
That shows up in Hollywood all the time.
I think it kind of describes my entire adult life.
Yeah, that's the arrival fallacy.
And I know exactly what you're talking about.
For me, one that I see all the time is myth number seven, which is maybe the the biggest happiness myth that's out there, which is that it's selfish to try to be happier.
And, you know, once I figured out that myth, it completely changed how I thought about happiness, why it matters, how it affects the people around us.
It's a big myth. Yes, it is.
Well, I can't wait to hear all of these.
Let's get into the list. okay so now it's time for the very special episode topic of seven myths of happiness so we're gonna lay out the seven myths up at the top and then we will go through them and discuss each one of them in turn so myth number one happy people are annoying and stupid myth number two nothing nothing changes a person's happiness level much. Myth number three, a treat will cheer you up.
Myth number four, money can't buy happiness.
Myth number five, you'll be happy as soon as you dot, dot, dot.
Myth number six, spending some time alone will make you feel better.
And myth number seven, the biggest myth, it's selfish to try to be happier.
Yes. So these are seven myths of happiness.
So let's take the first one, Elizabeth.
Myth number one, people find happy people annoying and stupid.
But actually, Gretchen, studies show that people find happy people much more likable than their less happy peers.
Happy people are viewed as friendlier, smarter, warmer, less selfish, more self -confident, and more socially skilled, field, even more physically attractive.
Yeah, so this idea that if someone's happy, that other people are going to be turned off by it, that's just not really how we react.
We do tend to find happy people are attractive.
It's easier to make friends with them.
They tend to get more social support.
Happier people tend to find it easier to get married and stay married.
They're happier in marriage.
At work, they get more support and assistance from their co -workers and their bosses.
And so this idea that we're like turned off by happiness isn't really borne out by what the research shows.
Yeah. I mean, Gretchen, my friend Nancy, Nancy Lane, is the happiest person I know.
And people are drawn to her.
I mean, it's maz to a flame.
I mean, she is a magnet because she is so happy.
She makes everyone around her happy.
I mean, often in my my darkest moments and not even that things are going so wrong.
It's more say an annoying series of events is occurring and I'm getting really crabby.
I try to imagine that I'm Nancy dealing with the situation because I'm like, if Nancy were here, she'd be cracking jokes.
She'd be lighthearted.
She'd probably be making everyone feel good.
So, you know, how can I channel my my happy Nancy, and, you know, be happy.
Well, another thing that you're pointing out is emotional contagion, which is this idea that we infect other people with our emotions.
And we do that when we're in their presence, when we're talking to them on their phone, when we're even glancing at a photograph of them, we kind of are passing emotions back and forth.
And so when people are happier, it can lift us up.
And when people are less happy, then we have to manage the the fact that we're getting that emotional kind of drag on ourselves.
It's interesting too that, I mean, about this idea that people find happy people annoying and stupid.
It is true that many people associate happiness with a lack of intellectual rigor, but actually research shows that happiness and intelligence are essentially unrelated.
Maybe that's because of the whole ignorance is bliss phrase.
You know, you think, well, you're happier if you just don't know what's going on around you.
It's funny to me. Happiness myth number two is that people have a happiness set point.
And kind of no matter what happens to them, they will tend to snap back to their usual happiness level.
This is something that a lot of people say.
Have you heard this, Elizabeth?
Yeah, I've heard that people are just wired a certain way.
And you know, their happiness level is what it is.
Yeah. Well, it is true that there is a powerful genetic link to happiness.
And usually research puts it at about 40 to 50 percent.
So, you know, just like in the story of Winnie the Pooh, some people are born more Tiggerish and some people are born more Eorish.
And then about 10 to 20 percent is estimated to be a function of life circumstance.
So life circumstances, things like age, health, income, marital status, occupation, education, and then all the rest, it turns out, is very much influenced by our conscious thoughts and actions.
And that is where the kind of things that we talk about here on Happier, what you and Sarah talk about in Happier in Hollywood, come into play.
because this is the way that you can, you know, you're given your genetic makeup, your life circumstances are either not changing or not changing very fast. But all the rest is very much something that you can control fairly easily.
Yeah. Even if it's not your entire, you know, happiness basket, it's like if you improve yourself by any percentage, you're going to feel the difference.
Yeah. And I think that's a way to think about it.
It's very helpful. It's not that somebody has a set point, but more like they have a set range.
And people's set ranges are different.
So one person might naturally range between 7 and 10, and another person might naturally range between 6 and 9.
So their natural ranges are different, but they can do things within their own power to make sure they're up at the top of their natural range instead of letting themselves drift down to the bottom of their natural range.
Yeah, and in terms of, like, the snapping back phenomenon, for instance, like, I could say about Sarah, my writing partner.
When she had her daughter, Violet, she went way up on the happiness scale.
I mean, it was such a change.
And she stayed there for five years now.
So I think she's not going to snap back anytime soon.
Right, right. She changed things enough that she lifted where she was on her range.
And a way that you see this more commonly is in a job.
Somebody has a job that they hate, and it's just dragging down their happiness.
and then they get a job that they really like and then they're much happier and it's like their genetic makeup is the same their life circumstances are probably pretty much the same or maybe very much the same and yet by doing something consciously like switching jobs you know you can make a very dramatic change in your experience of your life like how happy do you feel day to day yeah so i think it's it's more helpful to think about a range than a than a single set point so So people do have the power to be happier.
They don't have to feel powerless to their own nature.
They can overcome. I am an Eeyore.
I know this. I know the temptation to just wallow.
Don't do it. Yeah. Well, and here's speaking of wallowing.
Here's something that comes up when a person is in a blue mood.
I know that you have felt this and I have felt this.
And this is happiness myth number three, which is, oh, yeah, go ahead and have that treat.
That treat is going to cheer you up.
and the fact is some treats do but some treats like make me feel better for a minute but they don't make me feel better overall that's the difference between a healthy treat and an unhealthy treat yes and Gretchen I mean this one is probably of all these seven myths the one that most applies to me oh because I definitely fall prey to unhealthy treats especially when I'm working a lot because it's, you know, the classic, I deserve this and this will make me happy.
And then of course, in the morning, I wish I hadn't had all of those wheat thins.
I wish I hadn't stayed up watching the three hour bachelor finale, you know, or I wish I hadn't had a second glass of wine or whatever it is.
In the moment, I convinced myself that I'm going to be happier.
happier. And I not only convince myself I will be happier, I go, I will regret it if I don't do this.
I'll wake up in the morning and say, why did I sleep?
I should have stayed up and watched The Bachelor.
Yeah, I convinced myself of this.
Well, so, you know, we've talked about treats a lot on the podcast. I think the treats are really important and something that people shouldn't dismiss as being sort of a minor aspect of life.
I think we need treats because we need to get that energy.
We need to feel like we're taking care of ourselves.
We need to feel like if we've had a a hard day or something's tough, that there's some way that we can kind of be that cell phone that gets plugged into the wall.
And in Better Than Before, my book where I talk about habit change, I talk about the 21 strategies of habit change.
And definitely the most fun strategy is the strategy of treats.
But as you say, you have to be careful not to give yourself unhealthy treats.
And you hit some of the big ones.
The big ones for most people are screen time, time.
Shopping, which you did not mention.
And food and drink.
Those are the three unhealthy treats that come up the most. And so when you're trying to cheer yourself up, when you're thinking, I need to do something to make myself feel better, you want to think, is this going to make me feel better over the long run?
Or is it just going to make me feel better right now?
And in the long run, it's going to make me feel worse.
Right. Again, back to better than before, I have my favorite chapter to work on was the strategy of loophole spotting.
And you put your finger on one of the loopholes that comes up a lot, which is what I call the fake self -actualization loophole, which is when you say something like, well, it's more life -embracing to indulge in this.
Like, you know, I should let myself live a little bit.
What's one brownie?
What's one glass of wine?
You know, fear of missing out, you know, and really to say to yourself, this is a loophole.
I will not be sorry tomorrow if I time shift watching The Bachelor or whatever.
But I do think it's good for everybody to have a long list of healthy treats so that when you do have that that grabby feeling of I need it, I deserve it, I want it.
There's things that you can think of.
You don't have an empty basket.
For me, working on my color obsession, when I work on my color stuff, it kind of feels like I'm playing hooky for myself.
And sometimes I feel like doing that.
And so it's kind of nice to have this thing where I'm like, I'm going to go off and read a book about color right now in the middle of the workday.
You know how much we love a travel hack and if you've been keeping up with our podcast you know we just revisited one of our favorite episodes where we shared our all -time favorite travel tips.
My favorite travel hack is to keep a travel toiletry kit stocked at all times.
That way rather than unpacking or repacking your toiletries every time you travel you just keep a kit of all your travel size goodies in your closet year round and that way packing is so much easier and you never forget anything important.
Another travel hack hosting your space on Airbnb when you're away.
Yep your place just sitting there while you're off on vacation could actually be making you money.
With Airbnb you decide when to host who stays and how much to charge and Airbnb gives you support every step of the way.
It is just the smart thing to do.
And just think, with all that extra cash coming in, you can start saving toward your next weekend getaway.
You might as well, you already have your toiletries packed.
Your home might be worth more than you think.
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if you have good health, if you have enough money to pay your bills, it's easy to take it for granted.
So one thing to do is to really try to feel grateful.
Like when I have to pay bills, I'm so chill, I still pay most of my bills by hand with a check.
I try to say to myself, it's a pain to pay bills, but how fortunate I am that I can write this check to the dry cleaner, whatever.
And to experience that as something that I feel grateful for, instead of taking it for granted.
Yes. And of course, one of the best things money can buy is the freedom not to worry about money.
Yeah, absolutely. Absolutely.
And also, depending on how you spend money, you could spend money in a way that boosts your happiness.
So for instance, you know, philosophers from ancient times and contemporary scientists agree that strong relationships are a key to happiness and money can allow you to buy that plane ticket to go visit your sister.
you know how like when we were younger our parents would pay for us to visit each other to keep our relationship strong or you can have a babysitter for a date night with your sweetheart or you can have a super bowl party for your friends you can go to a reunion these are things that are going to help you keep relationships strong and money can make it easier to do those things yeah and then it can also help with novelty and challenge yes make you happier like money can pay for a trip to france or for a drawing class or for a mountain bike Yeah.
I mean, is money essential for, you know, doing something like developing strong ties to other people?
No. Is it essential to finding ways to challenge yourself?
No. But it can make it easier if you are spending your money wisely.
And it just, I think it depends on what kind of person you are and how you spend your money and how that impacts your level of happiness.
Yeah. There was recently this research that came out about this, like, what are people spending spending their money on and how does that affect their happiness that showed that one of the good a good way to spend money to get more happiness is to pay people to do chores that you don't want to do and that they looked all you know people in all different circumstances and what they saw was that people who used money to save time were happier and however people rarely think about this as like well this is a good way for me to spend my money because it's going to save me time And that's going to
boost my happiness.
So it's interesting to think about, okay, I have a limited amount of money.
How can I get the most bang for my buck?
Like, what are the ways that I could spend it?
You know, like if you spend your money to buy a dog, that's probably going to make you happier than if you spend your money to like buy cocaine, you know, at the extreme, what you spend your money on makes a difference and how much a bang you get from it.
Yeah, and I think a lot of people like feel, oh, I should clean my own house.
but the truth is if you can afford to have help cleaning your house that can free up a lot of time to do the things you really want to do and those things that really boost happiness yeah and it's different for everyone of course because everyone's in different circumstances everyone has different values everybody has different things that they want to engage with some people really want to travel some people want to stay home and eat at the diner around the corner like me you know so it all sort of depends but i think that just saying like oh oh, well, money has no role to play.
It's a very emotionally charged subject within happiness, but I think it's worth thinking about because, you know, if you have a limited amount of time, energy, and money, it's how do you get the most happiness from the time, energy, and money that you have?
So that brings us to happiness myth number five, which is, I'll be happy as soon as I dot, dot, dot.
And it's easy to imagine, imagine, I certainly have this, where you think, okay, as soon as I hit this mark, as soon as I get this job, as soon as I make partner, as soon as I get tenure, as soon as I get married, as soon as I get my promotion, as soon as I have a baby, as soon as I move, as soon as my book comes out, or as soon as I hand in my proposal, or as soon as my website redesign is finished, then I'll be happy.
But guess what? You know, it doesn't work that way.
Yeah, Gretchen, this is the one, the other of the seven myths that I most relate to, aside from the unhealthy treat.
Yeah, I always feel like I'm just waiting for that certain thing to happen.
And then I'll be happy.
I'll even like push off my own happiness because I'll feel like, well, I shouldn't feel happy now.
I shouldn't feel happy until the script is done, you know, or whatever it is.
And that's just ridiculous.
ridiculous well what do you mean that's so interesting what do you mean like you don't allow yourself to sort of relax into the feeling of happiness or contentment you feel like oh this i have to put i have to stay worked up about this yes later i sometimes feel guilty if i feel happy which i've talked about happier in hollywood yeah i think i've talked about it here too yes and so i feel like oh i'll be happy as soon as i do this task it's completed then i can be happy Then I can relax.
Yeah. Yes. And then I'll deserve it.
Well, I've seen this described as the arrival fallacy, meaning that the fallacy of believing that once you arrive at a certain destination, then you'll be happy.
And the reason that it's a fallacy is that because as we've been talking about, arriving rarely makes you as happy as you expect, partly because by the time you've arrived there, you're already kind of expecting it.
So by the time my website redesign launches, it's like I'm over it.
The time my book comes out, it's like, oh, my gosh, finally.
You don't have that feeling of kind of ecstatic completion that in prospect it's easy to imagine that, and it doesn't really happen.
And then another thing that I found, Elizabeth, I don't know about you, but a lot of times you get to that destination, and it's like now a bank of clouds parts, and you see a whole new set of things that you have to do in front of you.
It's not like it's rare that you like do something like win an award and then you're like, oh, it's great.
I won an award and I don't have any other work to do or there's nothing that comes from it.
A lot of times when something you arrive somewhere, it comes with its own tasks and responsibilities, which then set you up for further arrival fallacy issues.
Yes. And I think it's just a thing of we all feel like external factors are going to make us happy.
And, yes, there are external factors that come into play, but it's really about your internal self and not about, you know, validation from peers or whatever.
Well, and then, you know, dad always says, you know, when his famous phrase, enjoy the process.
us. And I think that is a really good thing to keep in mind if you're facing this, the kind of the playing of this myth in your head, because you can be happy while you're experiencing the atmosphere of growth, while you're working towards that goal.
This actually has a name.
It's called pre -goal attainment positive affect, which is just the good feeling that you get when you see yourself making progress toward a goal.
Sometimes it's more fun to make progress toward a goal.
And then it's kind of anticlimactic when you hit the goal.
And so if you can remind remind yourself to enjoy the process.
You don't wait for the ecstasy of arrival, which might not happen.
And you just enjoy it on the way.
I do this all the time with my books.
I'm always like, never have I had so much fun writing a book as I am writing this book.
I should just enjoy writing a book.
It'll be nice to finish it.
But I should enjoy writing it because it's going to take me two years.
Yes. Be happy for two years as opposed to just that one day.
Yes. Yes. Yes. It's a much much better deal.
Yes. So everyone enjoy the process.
Now is the fun part.
Now is the good part.
Let's talk about the Defender 110.
It is a vehicle built for the modern explorer.
Gretch, I have a friend who's extremely adventurous and she loves her Defender 110.
110. It's a vehicle that looks tough because it is tough.
The Defender boasts an exterior design for optimum durability.
It has a raised hood and sculpted grille that give the Defender 110 a modern edge.
Yeah, it has 3D surround cameras with clear sight ground view that let you see underneath the vehicle and anticipate obstacles and rough terrain.
Clear sight rear view offers an unobstructed rear view even when you can't see through the back window.
Driver aid technologies make driving and parking simpler.
Intuitive driver displays are customizable to your journey.
Design your Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA .com.
Visit LandRoverUSA .com to learn more about the Defender 110.
Explore the Defender 110 at LandRoverUSA .com.
If you're someone who's curious about why we are the way we are, why we succeed, why we screw up, then you'll want to check out Armchair Expert.
Hosted by Dax Shepard and Monica Padman, the show explores big, honest conversations with artists, thinkers, scientists, and cultural icons like Alex Cooper, Brad Pitt, and Monica Lewinsky, just to name a few.
Gretchen, you were on Armchair Expert, had a great conversation.
Together, they explore everything from identity and addiction to imposter syndrome and finding your purpose.
Then on Fridays, they flip the mic to the listeners with Armchair Anonymous, a listener -driven series where real people call in with raw, funny, and totally human confessions.
From disastrous dates and family secrets to accidentally joining a cult, they've heard it all.
If you love self -reflection, big ideas, and embracing the comedic chaos of life, So happiness myth number six, you know, this is pretty straightforward, which is sometimes when you're not feeling happy, it's easy to think like, oh, if I just spend some time alone, I'll feel better.
And this can be true.
It's not always untrue.
But often you're going to be happier if you do try to connect with other people and you don't pull away.
Yes. I think a lot of people feel like they want to retreat.
They want to just get under the covers and not see people when they're depressed.
But that just makes everything worse.
Yeah. No. So there's there's restorative solitude, which like I need tons and tons of solitude.
But often when I am feeling blue, it's like I'm just trying to cut myself off.
It's like I can't feel I'm like I can't deal with other people.
I can't make conversation.
But then if I do, I feel a really big boost. And research shows that, in fact, people do tend to get a boost from engaging with other people.
So it's actually if you're feeling lousy, it's a reason to try to connect with other people if you can, because often it will make you feel better.
Yeah, it's funny. I rarely have this feeling.
This is one that doesn't apply to me.
I can't even think of the last time I was like, I just need to be alone and be isolated.
I always like being with people.
That is so interesting to me.
I need so much time alone.
So again, it's like people are different, and that's another thing that you have to take into account is you're figuring out how that myth does or does not apply to you.
And now, ta -da, it's happiness myth number seven, The biggest myth, the final myth, the magical number seven, is that it's selfish and self -centered to try to be happier.
Which surprise, surprise, Elizabeth, given our podcast is called Happier, we disagree with that premise.
Yeah, I mean, Gretchen, I feel like the whole reason you even started talking about happiness and writing about happiness and analyzing happiness is because of how much you disagree with this sentiment.
Yeah. I think that this feeling that it's selfish to want to be happier comes in two forms. One is to think, my life is so full of comforts and security, if I want to be happier, I must be totally spoiled.
And the other is to think, well, in a world so full of suffering, it's not morally appropriate to want to be happier.
Hmm. But in fact, research shows that happier people are more altruistic.
They're more concerned about the problems of other people.
They're more concerned about the problems of the world.
They give away more money.
They volunteer more time.
They're more likely to help out if somebody needs a hand.
You know, when we're less happy, it's easy to become kind of defensive and isolated and, you know, preoccupied with our own problems. And then when we're happier, it's easier to turn outward and to think about how to help other people and how to engage with the world because we just have the energy to do that.
Yeah, I know it's true for for me.
Like when I'm happy, I'm much more magnanimous.
I'm much more willing to do a favor, make a call, give somebody money, whatever it is.
And when I'm feeling down, I'm like, you know, forget you.
You. I'm not worried about you.
I'm worried about me.
Yeah. Well, it's interesting because people kind of know that one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
But if you're feeling very unhappy, sometimes it's hard to do that.
You're like, I just don't have the resources inside myself to extend to help somebody else, even though I know it would make me happier and it would be the nice, right thing to do.
But it turns out that just as one of the best ways to make yourself happy is to make other people happy.
One of the best ways to make other people happy is to be happy yourself.
because when you're happy, then you're more able to think about the happiness of others.
So you're not being selfish.
You're being a good person by trying to be happy.
That's right. If it is selfish to want to be happier, you should be selfish, if only for selfless reasons.
So let us know what you think about these myths.
Do you agree? Disagree?
Did we overlook something important?
Let us know on Twitter, Facebook.
Email us at podcast at GretchenRubin .com, or as always, go to HappierCast .com slash 130 for everything related to this episode.
So those are the seven myths.
Revisiting them definitely reminded me, at least, of how easy it is to slip into unhelpful thinking, even when you know better.
Same here. I am really going to try and keep these in mind, especially, like I said, myth number five I know I am constantly guilty of thinking when the project's done I will be happier but we hope this list helps you spot the myths in your own life so you can focus on what really works remember the best time to start a happiness project is 20 years ago the second best time is now From the Onward Project.
Hi, Gretchen, Craig Robinson and my little sister, Michelle, here.
We host a new podcast called IMO with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson.
We know you're the queen of giving advice, so we wanted to get a few tips from you.
You know, Gretchen, a lot of our listeners are going through some major life changes.
What advice do you have for folks who are trying to stay grounded in the midst of major life transitions?
Craig and Michelle, I am so happy to be talking to you.
Here are a few questions that might help us gain perspective.
perspective. So consider questions like this.
What activities take up my time but are not particularly useful or stimulating for me?
Do I spend a lot of time on something that's important to someone else but is not very important to me?
If I could magically change one habit in my life, what would I choose?
And here's a question.
Would I like to have more more time in solitude, restorative solitude, or would I like to have more time with friends?
You know, just thinking about questions like this can help us start to figure out how we might make our lives happier.
With greater self -knowledge, we're better able to make hard decisions that reflect ourselves, our own nature, our own interests, our own values.
In my own case, I have found that the more my life reflects my nature, the happier I get, and the more grounded did I feel when I'm going through a period of major change or transition.
For more great advice, search for I Am O with Michelle Obama and Craig Robinson wherever you get podcasts.
You can listen to Issa Rae on letting go of certain friendships, Kiki Palmer on why disappointment is actually the key to career success, Seth and Lauren Rogan on caring for aging parents, and so many more.
