Are you a good friend?
Are you a good friend to your friends?
Are your friends good to you?
You know, do you call people when you are stuck and down?
Or do you make TikTok videos by yourself?
Which, you know, and you get, I mean literally, people who are depressed make TikTok videos by themselves.
I don't know how many times they reshoot that either.
To post it, to get the validation for their feelings.
But to call a friend and say the same thing you're struggling with is actually more difficult.
Why doesn't the industry exist?
Because typically - Can we take it for granted?
Yeah, so the demand isn't there for those kinds of things.
But that's the problem, which is I think the demand is there, we don't realize it, right?
Like we know that our relationships fail and our marriages fail, so there's an entire industry to help us maintain better relationships.
Well, friendships fail, and we think we have friends yet we still struggle and feel lonely.
If you have good friendship, you will not feel lonely.
You may have moments of loneliness and in those periods, you will pick up the phone and say to your friend, I need you, I'm lonely.
And your friends will be there.
You will feel not alone, right?
And you and I have talked about this, but you will feel that someone will get in the mud with you.
And I think the problem is, is we don't give intention to friendship.
So think about it. And you and I are both guilty of this.
In fact, I would argue that everybody's guilty of this, which is we've got plans booked with a friend.
Let's call it a lunch.
A work thing comes up.
We call up the friend and I got a work thing.
And the reason we keep bumping our friends is because they'll understand they're our friends.
So why aren't we prioritizing our friendships?
Why aren't we saying to the work thing, I'm sorry, I've got a thing.
I've got, if we had another meeting, we would say, sorry, I've got an appointment.
I can't make it. So why don't we treat our friends with the same intentionality that we treat any other meeting?
So one of the things that Will did for a friend that I thought was genius, brilliant, beautiful, Will Gudera, who I'm writing the book with.
Will's friend's dad died.
Will texted him and said, I feel for you.
I know what you're going through.
I lost my mom at an early age.
I'm sure you're being inundated with calls and texts.
So I'm not going to call you today.
But what I will do is I will call you every single day at nine 45 a .m.
Do not feel obligated to pick up.
I don't mind if you don't, but when you're ready, know that I'm calling you.
And for the next, I think it was three months, eight months, something he called every single day at nine 45 a .m.
And for the first week, his friend didn't pick up at all.
And then after the first week, he picked up every day.
And they talked every day for months.
Like, think about the intentionality that somebody who loves and cares about you so much that they will call you every single day at nine 45, just so that you can see their name pop up in the caller ID to know that you're not alone.
I mean, it can bring me to tears just thinking about it.
Like, how many of us are that good a friend?
You know, I want friends like that.
Here's a good question.
Like, what's a friend?
Like, what makes a good friend?
Like, I don't even know if we have a definition of that.
You know, I've been asking people and somebody said to me, well, somebody who's there for you in, you know, to support you in the hard times.
That's a real friend, right?
And I got thinking and I talked to somebody else.
She has a friend who she calls Mr.
schadenfreude because he seems to love when things go wrong.
So in hard times, he's always there.
He's always there in hard times.
He's got the, he gives the shoulder to lean on.
He's giving advice, but in good times, he's nowhere to be seen.
And so what, what happens is it creates this horrible sort of codependent relationship that you want to keep the hard times because that wonderful human being is always there.
So you never want to let go and you become codependent.
And so you realize that there's something called a fair weathered friend who's only there in the good times, but be equally cynical and suspicious of the foul weathered friends who's only there in the hard times because somehow it makes them feel good about themselves, but they're not there for the good
times. And so you realize what's the, what's the value of good time versus bad time.
So yes, yes, you and I have friends that in hard times we would call them, but I would bet money that you have even fewer friends that you want to text out of the blue and say, I won an award.
Right? Think about that.
Like if something goes wrong, I've got a group of friends probably, I've probably got a, you know, a dozen people I could say and say, I need your help.
Things have gone horribly wrong.
I need your advice.
But if something amazing happens to me, that number probably shrinks down to four that I'm going to text out of the blue and go something amazing happened today and not feel like I'm bragging, not feel like I'm trying to overwhelm them or prove them that I'm better than them, but knowing that they will be
so happy for me. And so I've started thinking that maybe a friend isn't just the person who's there for you in the hard times, but the person you can go to in the great times.
Think about that. I have fewer friends that I can go to and things go perfectly than I would go to when things go wrong.
So are those my true friends?
So this is on the journey I'm on.
I'm trying to understand what friend means and I'm trying to understand the responsibility we have to look after those friends.
You look at all the longevity studies, you know, all the blue zone work.
Sure they eat healthy.
Sure they walk a lot, but they also eat with each other.
Whereas you look at some of the people who are promoting sort of longevity and all of those bio hacks and how you have to exercise the certain way and eat the certain way, you'll find a lot of them are pretty unhappy people and pretty lonely people.
I don't think they're going to live very long.
Right. So here's a crazy, crazy one.
Here's a crazy, crazy one.
Physiologically, right?
What are the most important organs to keep strong for longevity?
Like we know the data, right?
So I'll tell you what they are, right?
Number one, heart. Obviously that makes perfect sense, right?
You got to have a healthy heart if you want to live a long time.
Right. Second one, lungs.
Got to have healthy lungs to live a long time.
Cardio and all the rest of it, right?
Don't smoke. Like we know that makes perfect sense.
Do you know what the third most important organ is?
I didn't know. I was going to say the brain, but the thighs, thigh muscles are the other.
So if you have a healthy heart, healthy lungs and healthy thighs, statistically, you're more likely to live longer.
I know I said the same thing.
Thighs. Do you want to know why?
Because historically, thighs are the most important muscle responsible for what?
Motion. Walking. Right.
Not exercise, social.
Going to visit your friends before there were cars, before there were trains, we had to walk to go visit our friends.
And so people who are mobile, if you're more mobile, you're more likely to maintain friendships, which means you're likely to live longer.
So the three most important organs to keep healthy historically as human beings, heart, lungs, and thighs for mobility.
Thighs for sociability, which I think is amazing that we never thought about.
So all of these things that technology has interrupted, mass transportation and social media, all of these things, they've interrupted our ability to make friends, proper friends where you can look each other in the eye.
You and I could do this over Zoom.
They wouldn't feel the same.
But the macro, so the remote work culture, the rise in, as you say, screens and phones, optimizing interaction out of our lives.
I mean, like if you think about social networking or Uber Eats or I don't know Deliveroo, you're living your life behind a screen in white walls now.
And it feels like it's becoming harder and harder and harder to make friends also to find someone to make friends.
In fact, what's interesting thing is sometimes when I come off stage, I'll have, it's always young men come up to me and they'll get right up in my personal space and I go, this is strange.
And then they'll say something to me like, how do I make friends?
And I respect them so much for saying it because I can see how difficult it is for them to utter those words.
And I reflect on it.
I was doing something at Canary Wharf and a kid in the front row in a crowd of 500 people, they're all wearing suits because they're working in the corporate world.
He's surrounded by 500 of his peers, his age in the front row past the microphone.
His question to me on stage is how do I make friends?
And there's 499 people sat next to him, that are his age and he's asking in the front row, how do I make friends?
And it was so moving because looking down on that individual surrounded by people, I'm like, well, the brain, the simple brain goes, well, just turn to the person next to you and introduce yourself.
But clearly that was not the answer.
Because if it was so simple, he would just do that.
And you said something interesting as well, which I think maybe overlays with that, which is that we've kind of like lost the art or the skill of making friends.
What would you have said to that kid?
So I'll tell you by way of a story.
How I would answer that.
So a friend of mine was struggling.
Her career, it wasn't going as well as she'd wanted.
And her marriage was in a bad place.
So in other words, when it rains, it pours like she couldn't get a break, right?
And she was a really bad place.
And so she knows what I do for a living.
So she said, she asked me, can you help?
Can I come and talk to you and get some advice?
And I said, of course.
And so we had a standing Wednesday meeting, get together.
We got together every Wednesday for 90 minutes.
And she would tell me what was going on in her life.
I gave her some advice.
She felt amazing when she left me.
It lasted about two days.
And then she'd go back into her slump.
And then we'd get together next Wednesday.
She'd feel amazing for about two days.
And she'd go back into her slump.
And this went on for months.
This was our pattern.
So I thought I was doing good work.
And then I just rinse and repeat.
Then I remembered my own work.
And I remembered Alcoholics Anonymous, which is the final step.
The 12th step is service, helping somebody who's struggling with the problem you're struggling with, is the way to actually help you overcome your problem.
So I have struggles.
I have needs. I have them insecurities.
And I don't have a safe outlet to talk to.
So I, she's one of my closest friends in the world.
I trust her implicitly.
So I said to her, can I need the coaching as well?
Can we split our time?
45 minutes for me, 45 minutes for you.
She agreed. And it was, I was, I knew what I was doing, right?
There was kind of an experiment happening, which I didn't let on, which is I wanted her to help me as a way of helping herself.
And so what ended up happening was it ceased to be 45, 45.
I, we got together and for 90 minutes we talked about me.
And then the next Wednesday we got together and for 90 minutes, we talked about me.
And then we got together and for 90 minutes we talked about me.
And within about three or four weeks, her life was full on back on track, fully back on track.
Because when you help someone with a thing that you were struggling with, you actually end up solving your own problems.
And so what I would say to that kid is find somebody who's struggling to make a friend and help them make a friend.
Make it an act of service.
Because fundamentally, we dig down deep.
The true skill that we've lost is service.
We've overemphasized taking over giving, we've overemphasized selfish over selfless.
Selfish is important.
Taking is important, but not at the expense of giving and not at the expense of serving.
