As many of you probably already know, because I've discussed it probably too many times on this podcast, I'm single.
I am a single.
And I haven't been single in a long time because I've been in back to back consecutive relationships.
And so I'm reentering the world of dating with almost a fully formed prefrontal cortex.
OK, when I first started dating, I was 17 years old.
I barely had a brain then.
That thing barely worked.
I don't think I ever self-reflected.
I don't think I ever thought any deeper about romantic relationships than do I like this guy?
Yes or no.
Does he like me?
Yes or no.
Okay, let's date.
Yay.
Like when I started dating, I was the child.
Now I'm an adult who still feels like a child sometimes, but who is technically an adult.
I feel like this time around, being single, I'm committed to learning.
You know what I mean?
I don't know.
In the past, when I was single, I was just rushing into my next relationship.
And I've really used this single era to do thinking and to learn about dating and romantic relationships and love and listen.
I'm scared that i'm gonna get into a relationship sooner than we all expected and everyone's gonna be like emma, you said you were gonna be single for like a year and you were only single for like three months.
Well, that is the danger of having a podcast.
That could happen and we all need to be prepared for it.
And I do give you permission to say Emma, are you a hypocrite?
I give you permission to somewhat question me, but I just want you to know that we have ideas about how we're going to do things, how we're going to handle things.
And sometimes they turn out a little bit different because we can't really predict what life will bring.
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Sometimes I love to be a passenger.
Growing up, I loved sitting passenger seat in my dad's old Volkswagen.
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Now back to the episode.
Anyway, that was sort of a weird defensive tangent I just went off on.
But I went off on that tangent because I've been single for a handful of months now.
And already in this time I feel like I've learned so much more than I could have expected about dating and romance and love.
From talking to my elders in my life people who have more life experience and analyzing my past situations, recognizing patterns and just thinking about everything that's ever happened.
And it's been a beautiful experience and at times, a painful one as well.
But i will say, now more than ever perhaps i'm not saying that as a fact, i don't know for sure but it feels like now more than ever, it's really hard to find good information about dating.
Actually, I shouldn't say it's really hard to find, because I actually think there are a lot of great resources to learn about dating and love and romance, whether it's the elders in your life or it's books written by smart people.
Like it's definitely out there.
More so, I should say.
Now more than ever, we're being fed bad dating advice from people who don't necessarily know what they're talking about, you know?
And, by the way, I fall into the category of someone who doesn't know what they're talking about, right.
I'm not a psychologist.
I'm not a therapist.
You all know and love to remind me that I didn't go to college, okay?
I'm no genius.
However, I try to do the right thing, right?
And that doesn't always work out.
I don't always do the right thing, but I am a person who really cares about doing the right thing and doing things the right way.
And when I say the right way, I mean like the way that is the most.
I feel like the word right is complicated.
So I'm trying to figure out what another word could be.
I try to do things in the most soulful, morally good way possible.
That is a huge priority for me, if not my number one priority.
All of this is to say there's a lot of really bad, toxic, horrible dating advice out there.
Not only is there a lot of it, it's popular.
And it freaks me out.
It freaks me out.
And so today I wanted to talk about it.
I wanted to go through all of the toxic dating advice that I've personally found on the internet and discuss my thoughts on it.
Now again, I'm not a professional.
I don't really know what I'm talking about.
So I thought today, for the sake of entertainment and fun more than anything, we could go through some of the toxic dating advice that I've found online that's apparently viral on TikTok. and we could discuss it together.
You have to take everything I say with a grain of salt.
I don't know what I'm talking about.
But it's Valentine's Day in two days.
I'm wearing pink right now.
Let's dig into this.
Let's have fun with it.
Okay, the first thing I saw on the internet was sort of this genre of dating content that borders on being sort of like witchcraft.
It's not.
It's not witchcraft.
But it kind of has like witchy energy.
But it more sort of looks like manifestation and like law of attraction vibes.
But it has witchy undertones.
Not that witchy undertones are bad.
Just kind of like magic undertones.
Things like, for example, reciting affirmations related to the person you want to attract.
Like saying, Roger's obsessed with me.
Roger wants to be with me.
Roger is a fictional character.
Roger loves my body.
Roger is going to text me tomorrow.
Roger... reciting affirmations about what you want to happen.
Another example of this would be I saw a video about writing a letter from the perspective of the lover that you want to have.
Like if there's a person that you have a crush on or an ex that you want back, writing a letter from their perspective and making it a love letter for yourself.
And then there was sort of a ritual of like folding it up and putting it under your pillow.
And then in theory, they're supposed to text you if you do that.
Now this is tricky because I do think that there is value in sort of painting the picture of what you want your life to look like and speaking it into existence in a way like I will be fulfilled by my career one day.
I will find a partner that loves me as much as I love them.
And we will have a beautiful future together and we will grow together.
Like I think speaking things into existence that are sort of open-ended in a way can be really sort of inspiring to have goals and aspirations and to speak about them like they are going to come true.
As long as the things that are being spoken about are open-ended enough that life can unfold as it may and there aren't too many expectations about how it's exactly going to look.
It's one thing to say, I will be fulfilled in my career one day.
It's another thing to say I will be fulfilled in this exact career at this exact location, in this exact city, And my boss will be exactly like this.
And I will be in my working hours will be exactly this.
And and like, and this might be a controversial take, because there are certain people who really believe in manifesting to this extent, like manifesting the exact things.
But see, I kind of hesitate to do that, because I feel like when you do that, you're preventing life from unfolding in ways that you couldn't have even imagined, because you're striving for a very specific reality.
And there might be another reality that you don't even know about yet, that you can't even comprehend yet.
That could be even better.
That could unfold even more naturally, without force in a way, if you just let it happen to you.
But if you have such specific goals, you might miss that opportunity.
Although now we're going down a rabbit hole, but I also think that too, if you...
Perhaps we're all destined to learn lessons as we're meant to learn them.
And so if it's part of your journey to manifest a very specific outcome and then get disappointed, that might then lead you to what you needed to discover.
You know, who knows, right?
But I just...
I think manifesting something, someone very specific sets you up for disappointment, I fear.
Perhaps the way that I would choose to manifest somebody would be, instead of manifesting a specific person, instead of hoping that they text me instead, I would manifest in general finding a reciprocal love in partnership that inspires growth, that allows your life to unfold in the way it's supposed to.
Because the person that you're manifesting might not even be good for you.
You know what I'm saying?
And so if you're manifesting someone because you're in love with them, you might be manifesting somebody bad for you.
Whereas if you manifest in general a healthy, happy relationship and You don't have super specific expectations about what that outcome looks like.
I think you'll have a much easier time letting that into your life and allowing your life just to unfold.
But the thing is like, I understand the temptation to like manifest a specific person and manifest a very specific outcome, because I myself am a control freak.
Okay.
I am a control freak.
I like knowing exactly what things are going to be like.
And I'm the type of person that will get set on someone and say, this is my person.
And that is the end of it.
I've even been tempted to write like do shit like you know write a letter from the perspective of the person who I want to love me back and put it under my pillow and then they text me but it's like you have to wonder is that a person you want to be with somebody that you have to like borderline do like a spell on to make them love you back no we want people to love us especially somebody we're going to be with we don't want to have to fight for that necessarily.
We shouldn't have to manifest to that extent.
We should be able to communicate with them and say, hey, I feel this way.
How do you feel?
Okay, you don't feel the same way.
Oh, fuck.
Well, that sucks bad.
But that is just a sign to me that I need to move onward.
And if this person comes back later, great.
If not, it wasn't meant to be.
It's such a hard thing to do.
It sucks.
It's so painful.
And it's so tempting to like, Just be like.
Well, I'm going to manifest this one person who doesn't want me to want me, you know.
But I think that is going to just lead to further heartbreak.
The sooner you can instead choose to manifest whatever the bigger picture is for you, the sooner you'll be relieved from the pain.
Like to me, it's like doing these types of witchy things.
I don't know.
Maybe I'm being offensive by calling it witchy, because it may be.
This type of manifestation style to me is just going to probably lead you to another disappointment, where now you're feeling even more discouraged.
Okay, moving on.
Another piece of modern dating advice.
Wait a long time before responding to texts.
Make them sweat and worry.
It will make your response to the text so satisfying that they become sort of addicted to you, because it creates uncertainty and intermittent reward which activates the brain's dopamine system.
Okay, no.
I cannot with games.
Games like this, to me, are exhausting.
If somebody waits a day or two to text me back and I'm on my phone and I see the text come in, you want to know how long I'm waiting to respond to that text.
Zero minutes.
I'm responding immediately.
There have been times in my life where I've played the game a little bit.
I've waited.
If they waited an hour, I've waited two hours.
You know, it's kind of common dating practice nowadays.
I don't care.
I'm not playing hard to get.
I'm not playing any fucking games, because if I'm going to be in a romantic situation, a romantic relationship, I do not want games.
So I don't want to participate in any sort of psychological game, because I want to show whoever I'm talking to out the gate that that's not what we're doing.
You know what I'm saying?
And honestly I think it's kind of a power move to be like.
I'm confident enough in myself to respond to you immediately.
I don't need to psychologically torment you.
I'm confident in what I bring to the table enough that I am just going to respond to you when you text me.
I'm going to respond to you whenever I feel like it.
And listen, sometimes you get a text and you're like, oh, I'll handle that later.
Great.
Sometimes you get a text and you're like, oh, I want to respond to that right now.
Then you respond to it right then.
It's like if you start off on the wrong foot in a relationship, playing games and doing this or that, that will continue into the relationship.
And I, I don't want that type of relationship.
You know, I want something comfortable, safe, warm.
There's something about waiting to respond to a text that feels cold.
It doesn't feel like love.
And I understand the courting phase is an important time when you're feeling each other out and you don't want to come off too strong.
You don't want to come off too available.
I get it.
And yeah, there's definitely some value in, if you receive a text, waiting 10 minutes and thinking about your response sometimes too.
Sure.
But intentionally being like I'm not going to respond to two days because I want to drive them nuts.
That's not it's cold energy.
It's cold energy.
And it's also kind of inhumane, honestly.
I mean, maybe that's extreme, but like treating other people like psychological test experiments, like that's not nice.
I do believe that what we put out into the world is what we receive to an extent.
I mean, I think it's not that simple of an equation, but I think it's like you don't get away with that.
It's what my dad always tells me.
He's like, you will not get away with anything like you.
If you do something wrong, you will pay a price.
I mean, that's the golden truth.
Treat others how you'd like to be treated.
Do you want to be ignored for two days and treated like a psychological experiment?
No.
I would be shocked if a healthy relationship ever came from games like that.
Maybe, maybe if those... were ultimately shed after the courting phase.
But like, I would rather just start off on the right foot.
And I do think that, in order to avoid games like this, I do think you have to be secure in yourself to a point.
If I don't feel good about myself, then I feel like the only way that someone's gonna like me is if I play games, if I fuck with their head.
I think it should be a clear sign if you're waiting to respond to a text that you don't think highly enough of yourself.
You're better than this.
You're great.
What do you bring to the table?
I bet you bring more than you give yourself credit for.
And if you feel like you don't bring anything to the table, then that becomes your next assignment.
What would make you feel like you bring something to the table in a relationship?
You know what I mean?
Listen, I have confidence issues all the time, but I think I do have a security in myself enough to a point where it's like okay, you know what.
I do have my more surface level sort of confidence issues, but deep down to my core I do know I'm a good person and I know I'm a good partner.
I'm not a perfect person.
I'm not a perfect partner, but like, I think I'm a good girlfriend.
That gives me the confidence to be like, you know what?
I'm not going to play any games.
I'm just going to respond immediately.
No worries.
Okay, next.
Next piece of modern dating advice.
This is called breadcrumbing.
It's kind of like waiting two hours to respond to a text.
Waiting two days to respond to a text, but on a broader scale.
Breadcrumbing is avoiding commitment, refusing a label, being like, oh, no, like...
You know, we don't need like we're not ready for that yet.
Or, oh, I just I'm not in a place in my life for that right now.
Like, it's just not quite right.
It's avoiding commitment and sending mixed signals.
So saying like, oh, I'm not I'm not able to commit right now.
But then like being super flirty with you, giving you a lot of compliments, maybe even like having sex with you, but then being like oh, but I can't commit.
And also giving attention that's flirty romantic whatever, and then kind of disappearing for a while and then coming back and doing the same thing again and then disappearing.
Being super inconsistent across the board.
Nothing adds up.
Nothing makes sense.
This is called breadcrumbing.
And I guess it's called breadcrumbing, because this kind of behavior causes the other person to question how they really feel.
And they'll start to doubt themselves and crave the breadcrumbs of affection and approval more.
It also activates the dopamine system.
It's like when something's inconsistent.
When you receive it, it feels so much better than when you have a steady source of it.
Again, I think I hold a similar sort of feeling about this that I do about waiting to text.
It's like this is very effective.
And I know that because I've been breadcrumbed many times in my life.
I've never breadcrumbed like, I've never been the one to do this to somebody, but it has absolutely happened to me.
And I know the feeling it drives me.
You nuts, nuts.
And when they give you what you've been craving, it's like euphoric, okay?
But it is kind of unethical.
It's unethical.
It will make the person think that they're so in love with you that they couldn't live without you, because there's a psychological thing happening that's kind of addictive in a way that a healthy relationship isn't, because a healthy relationship is steady and it's constant.
And it might be tumultuous at times because of course you have two people together working together.
That's always gonna you're gonna hit your rough patches.
That is inevitable, But it is constant.
Even in the rough patches in a healthy relationship.
You trust that They're there.
You know their behavior on a daily basis Proves to you that they show up for you.
They choose you every day.
They love you.
The breadcrumbing will drive the other person nuts to the point where they are in a state of delusion.
It's just, it's so bad.
Who wants to be in a relationship where these types of games are going on?
Where the relationship is relying on psychological tricks, really?
Who wants to be in a relationship that's rooted in like evil psychology?
That is so sad.
And it won't last.
If you're the one doing the breadcrumbing, you're going to end up really fucking with this person's well-being and they will ultimately probably leave you eventually, or you'll leave them and it'll, and everybody will be worse off.
It's just bad.
It's just bad news.
Next piece of modern dating advice.
Never let them know how much you like them.
Remain mysterious while dating and even into the relationship.
It makes them more obsessed with you and keeps you safe from vulnerability and rejection.
No, no.
I mean listen, I get the temptation because I have always been afraid of rejection and I've always done anything I can to avoid it.
That goes for all types of relationships, platonic and romantic.
You know, I've never been the type to initiate hanging out with friends.
I've always been too scared of being rejected.
What if they're busy?
What if, you know, they don't like me anymore and me asking them to hang out is annoying to them?
In romantic relationships, in the past, I've never been the one to make the first move.
I've avoided initiating vulnerable conversations.
I won't show romantic interest until they show me romantic interest.
I won't say I love you until they say I love you.
And in certain relationships, you know, those tendencies have relaxed, more so in like more recent ones in my life.
Like when I was younger, I mean, no, like it was really hard for me.
As I've gotten older, it's gotten easier and easier.
And now I think I'm at a place where something clicked in me.
For some reason now I'm not afraid anymore.
I think I'm not afraid anymore, because I think I'm not willing to miss out on any sort of well.
Two things
I think number one, I don't want to miss out on any opportunities in my life because I'm scared.
To me, that is a shame.
What do you have to lose by being vulnerable with somebody?
Like, okay, worst case scenario, they don't feel the same with you.
Towards you?
Okay, well, at least you put it all out on the table.
If they're not into it, you can sleep at night knowing you did everything you could.
What if I don't express my feelings to somebody and then they move on because they think I'm not interested?
You know what I mean?
Like the risk of that to me has grown to outweigh the discomfort that comes with being rejected.
And so now I'm not afraid to tell people how I feel.
Because the other thing is, it's not fun to have a secret.
I hate the feeling of having a secret.
I hate holding on to that.
It prevents me from doing other things in my life that are enjoyable.
It makes me too introspective.
It makes me obsessive about the secret.
I just can't handle it, so I have to.
I have to get it off my chest.
Once in my gut, I know it's ready to be said out loud, I say it out loud.
And I risk being rejected.
And again, what's the worst thing that could happen?
I get rejected.
Okay, then what?
Well, the outcome is no different.
Whether you say it out loud or they just stop responding to you, you're getting rejected either way.
So you might as well say it so that you don't regret not saying it.
And then there it is.
But especially in relationships, And wait, what?
Being mysterious in a relationship, I think, is not the right approach.
I think there is something to be said for not overexposing yourself to your partner.
Like you don't want to spend too much time together.
You don't want to know too much about each other.
You want to do stuff separately.
You want to have separate lives still.
And that's very hard to do, because it can be very tempting to hang out with your partner, especially if they're like your best friend and they should be.
It's like, why don't we hang out every day?
Well, if you do that, you'll learn why you shouldn't do that.
I've made that mistake before because you get kind of sick of each other.
You get overexposed and it kind of dulls the romance.
There is romance in a bit of mystery, but the mystery shouldn't come from intentional hiding of one's feelings.
I don't think it should come from having separate lives, having separate friend groups, having separate hobbies perhaps, and coming together at the end of the day most days and being able to share those experiences and stuff like that and not being overexposed to one another.
You know, that's where the mystery should come from, not from withholding emotion and feelings.
I don't like that.
Moving on.
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Now back to the episode.
The next piece of modern dating advice, be the best sex they've ever had.
The idea is, if you're the best sex that they've ever had, then you're impossible to reject and you'll be irreplaceable.
At the end of the day, we love sex.
Not everyone, but most people.
Sex really controls us.
Yeah.
I have a lot of feelings about this.
Number one, how are you supposed to be the best sex someone has ever had?
How is that even accomplished?
How do you even know?
What are you even supposed to do?
Like, what does that even look like?
I imagine what this would mean is like go full performance on it.
You know what I mean?
Like a show.
That's what I imagine.
You know, like...
Doing the most watching.
You know certain types of videos taking notes and being like.
I'm going to do exactly this.
I'm going to make it like a movie.
And listen.
If that's like a desire that you have, that anyone has like, it's not inherently wrong to do that.
But I do think, if it's coming from an inauthentic place, from a place of insecurity, being like, I don't feel like this person is going to choose me unless I find a way to be irreplaceable to them.
And the only way I can think of is by giving them the best sex of their life.
To me, that will ruin the sex.
And listen, I'm no sex genius.
In fact, I probably need like I don't know, because I've struggled with the vulnerability of sex for a long time.
I think I'm turning a corner.
But it's been very challenging for me because to me, there's nothing more vulnerable than sex.
And so the idea of being rejected in some way during something like that, like I can't handle it.
It actually makes me spiral.
And I actually know where this stems from.
An experience in high school where I was making out with a guy and he stepped back, looked at me and walked away like kind of disgusted at me because I wasn't a good kisser apparently.
Yeah, that traumatized me.
And so ever since then it's been very hard for me because I'm scared of me having sex and then somebody standing up and looking at me disgustedly and walking away.
Like that's how my brain works because of that one experience.
It was so traumatic.
I don't know why.
Well, I do know why, because that's a traumatic event.
I think anybody would not react well to that.
But the little that I know about sex is that It is best when it is almost like just flowing out of you, at least for me in my experience.
And again, I imagine it's very different for everybody.
But in my experience, I think the beauty of it, the reason why it's such a beautiful thing, is because it has the potential to completely like almost in a drug like way, take you out of reality for a second.
And you're in almost a flow state.
Like you don't even, you're transported somewhere else.
You can just escape into it and let it flow out of you.
I think it is its best when it's just flowing out of you.
And I think most things in life are like this.
Like creativity is like this.
You know, forcing creativity is challenging.
A lot of times, the best creative output is an output that just flowed out of you because it needed to, because you had something you needed to say through art, because you were in a rough place and you needed to make art to help soothe you, because you're feeling really calm and you just feel drawn to making art.
You know, whatever it may be,
Like, I think the best things just flow out of you.
And I think art and sex in this way are very similar.
It's best when it just flows out of you.
And so I think the idea of going into sex with somebody being like I'm going to make this the best sex they've ever had.
I'm going to put on a show.
I'm going to do the whole, they're not even going to know what hit them.
It's going to be, it's going to be really amazing.
They're going to think that they're in like in a special kind of movie with me.
If that is not coming from an authentic place, if that's not just flowing out of you because that's something that you know you enjoy doing, I don't think it will work.
I think the best sex somebody is ever going to have is with somebody that they have genuine chemistry with, which is kind of unexplainable, like who knows where that comes from.
Both people are just letting it flow out of them and genuine love is present.
But I will say, well, but even then love is present.
I was going to say having sex with an ex.
Wow.
That's, that's good.
Um, and technically you're not together, but you probably still love each other.
And that's why it's so good, because you love each other so much and it's not.
But you can't have.
You can't have each other.
But unfortunately.
Yeah well anyway.
So moving on um, next piece of modern dating advice.
This is called shrekking.
It's a concept called shrekking named after uh shrek, the animated ogre in the uh animated film shrek.
You may be familiar with him.
He's a green monster.
The concept of shrekking is to date somebody you consider below your standards, somebody who maybe would be perceived as sort of like a shrek.
Um, which is so fucked up.
Anyway, it's dating somebody you consider below your standards because you're out of this person's league.
You'll automatically have the upper hand in the relationship and be unlikely to get hurt.
See, this one doesn't make any sense to me at all, because in order for me to be attracted to somebody, I have to admire them in some way.
Now it might be a delusional admiration based on some sort of thing that I made up in my head about them.
That's not even real.
But in some way, in one way or another, I need to admire them, And I definitely don't admire anyone who I perceive to be below my standards.
So like I don't even know how you mentally show up for somebody who's below your standards in your opinion.
Like, I don't even know how to comment on this because I just couldn't even do it.
Because when if I perceive somebody to be below my standards, I mean whatever that means not to dehumanize anybody, but like there's, definitely there's like listen, if we all were attracted to everyone, then dating wouldn't exist.
Like, what would it even be?
It just wouldn't exist.
You know, everybody has criteria of sorts and everybody's criteria is very different.
I don't even think I could sit through a date knowing that somebody was not up to my standards.
So I just don't understand this.
And I think it's not a great idea because I think it's well.
It's kind of like everything about it is wrong.
It's like, it's bizarre because on one hand, you're like kind of using somebody.
You're also like judging them, which I mean, I guess you kind of have to do when you're dating.
You do kind of have to judge somebody.
You're like judging them, but then you're also choosing them.
You're like choosing them based on the wrong reason.
Now they might get really excited because they're like whoa, like this is a person who maybe I never thought I'd date.
But then like, that's a weird dynamic that to me feels icky.
Like now there's, oh God, everything about it's toxic.
The more I describe it, the more I get kind of repulsed by it.
I really don't like this idea.
But I'm not repulsed because, oh, somebody who is great is dating somebody who's less great.
Ew, I'm grossed out that like there's somebody being perceived as less great.
Like that's a bad way of looking at human beings.
Somebody might not be right for you.
They might not reach your criteria.
But seeing them as being below standard, being less than you, and dating them because of that and being like well, I can control them and do whatever I want because they're less than me.
It's like, ooh, that's not good.
That's not how it works.
That's not how human...
That's not how we should look at other human beings.
Other human beings might not match our criteria.
But criteria I wouldn't say criteria in standards has to do with someone's value.
It's more about specific traits that somebody wants, you know?
Like some people might like outgoing people.
Some people might like shy people.
Some people might like sporty people.
People.
Some people might like artsy people, like We all just are different and have different things we're attracted To, but neither are better or worse.
But this sort of insinuates that No, I'm choosing somebody who is below Me.
If that's how you're looking at other people, I don't know.
I mean listen, It is kind of one of those things where it's like it's kind of an unfortunate reality that we do tend to categorize ourselves into, like what value we seem to bring.
And we do compare one another.
I don't know.
But this just is gross to me.
So let's just move on because I don't I don't really understand it.
And it just doesn't it seems not nice.
So in bad like I don't think we should be looking at people like this.
Okay, next piece of modern dating advice.
Date them till you hate them.
The concept is you should stay in a relationship long enough to build resentment, so breaking up feels easier.
Listen, I get the temptation to do this.
I do.
And I've done this.
I have done this.
It's very hard for me to end relationships because I'm a fighter.
I'm a fighter and I will push until the very end.
And I'm not doing it to try to ease the breakup.
I'm doing it because I want to leave no stones left unturned.
I want to make sure I did everything I possibly could to try to resolve the issues and try to give it a fair chance and see if there's growth opportunities in the challenges.
But eventually the issues prove themselves to be sort of unsolvable, at least for the time being.
And then it's time to do a split.
But I tend to push it to the very last minute.
I don't think there's anything wrong with trying until it absolutely will not work anymore.
And that's been proven to the both of you.
But to intentionally do that, because you want it to hurt less, like that, that seems like a waste of time.
Like if you already know that you're done, they already know that they're done and you're just kind of hanging out growing resentment until it's absolutely unbearable.
I would actually argue that you're delaying the healing process.
Like, every day that you're together is one more day that you're going to have to practice being alone after that.
Like, you know what I'm saying?
Like, the sooner you're alone, the sooner that you recalibrate your brain post breakup, because that's kind of a thing that happens.
It's like your brain kind of goes through this like weird phase of you're anxious and you're sad and you're feeling pain and you're grieving it and all this stuff.
And it's really overwhelming.
The sooner that you rip the bandaid off and go through that period, the sooner you'll start rebuilding your life.
Waiting around and building resentment doesn't really, I would argue.
I don't think it erases that period of time where you're going to be feeling like shit, like you're still going to feel like shit.
It might be a little bit more sad in the moment, but at least you guys can leave it, still respecting one another.
If you take it to a point where you hate each other, that might be easier in some ways, but also harder in others, because hating people, hating people, doesn't feel good.
I mean listen, this is a dangerous thing to say, or not dangerous, but it's like tricky, but it's like, who knows, if you leave it in a kind way, you could find each other five years down the line, who knows?
You could maybe become friends five years down the line, who knows?
Like, I just think it's always better to like leave things in a good place.
Okay, next, the concept of monkey branching.
Okay, this is a genius term for this.
Monkey branching is, before breaking up with your partner, finding your next love interest having someone lined up.
This way, it'll be painless.
Now, wouldn't we all love to do this?
I've never done this.
However, I've almost done it, in a way, because I've always been somebody who's moved on to my next relationship somewhat quickly after my last one.
I've never once had somebody lined up, But I have met people shortly after breaking up with one person.
Now, let me tell you what happens, at least in my experience.
You're going to sabotage your next relationship because having no time to recalibrate in between could make you miss your ex more, make you obsess over your ex more.
Because you didn't have any time to center in between and find yourself and gather yourself before getting into the next thing.
You didn't have any time to grieve, to lay in bed at night and remember the good moments.
You didn't have any time to do that.
And now you're in another relationship and doing that is weird and it's inappropriate.
So it's something that you have to suppress in yourself.
And you know what that suppression is going to cause?
Obsession.
Obsession about the ex.
It'll backfire.
I think it will backfire.
I mean, listen, it's, it's such an ideal.
Oh my God.
It sounds amazing to have someone else lined up.
Oh, what a dream.
I would love that.
Oh my God.
It sounds great.
But no, I don't think it works like that.
You won't get to process.
And until then you break up with that partner that you monkey branch to in.
Not until then will you be able to process that other X.
And then now you have two Xs to process.
Listen, don't do that.
But the name Monkey Branching or the term Monkey Branching is so funny, like swinging from one vine to the next.
And as you're swinging from one vine to the next, you have to hold on to the next one and you're holding the last one and then you let go.
It's so genius.
Whoever came up with that name, obsessed.
That's like a genius, genius vibe.
Next piece of dating advice, modern dating advice to be specific.
Love should be easy.
And if it isn't, leave.
This is, at least in my opinion, unrealistic and also pointless.
The whole point.
I feel like I've said this so many times on this podcast that I'll keep it nice and snappy, okay.
In my opinion, relationships are the most deep fulfilling rich, beautiful when they inspire growth.
When both members of the relationship are pushing one another to grow.
And how does that push happen?
Through a little bit of conflict, through a little bit of tension, through a little bit of challenge.
Now, I'm not saying like scream fighting, you know, like...
No, I'm talking about challenging one another.
I'm talking about disagreeing sometimes.
I'm talking about confronting one another when they've been an asshole.
Like not even necessarily an asshole, to the point where it's like ooh, that's too much of an asshole.
We're all assholes sometimes.
You know, we can all be a little snappy sometimes.
That push and pull, that kind of dynamic pushes both people to grow.
Because in order to stay together, you got to grow through it.
Grow through it.
You got to grow through it.
What is the point of a relationship that's easy?
Like nothing, they always say, you know, nothing good is easy or something.
I don't know.
That sounds wrong, but you get the idea.
But see, it's tricky because also like love shouldn't always be challenging though either.
You know, majority of the time should be fun, should be enjoyable.
And if it's not, then there is an issue.
It's a balance.
And I don't know if there is any, at least in my experience, like I don't know exactly the percentage.
Like well, 70 of the time it should be fun and 30 of the time you should be challenging one another.
You know, like, I don't know.
I just don't think it's realistic for love to feel easy all the time.
You know that assumes that no one's going to go through a hard time in the relationship, that no one's going to have a grumpy week, no one's going to question the relationship, sometimes like these are all normal things that if you can grow through together will make you stronger together.
I think you know love should feel easy is just yeah, it feels a little bit unrealistic if you're in a relationship where nothing ever comes up and it seems too good to be true.
I would argue it probably is because I've had that happen.
I had a relationship where I never fought once And you want to know why we never fought.
Because we didn't even know each other.
That's not good.
You know, we didn't fight because we didn't know anything about each other.
We didn't talk about stuff enough.
We didn't like get into shit.
We didn't cry in front of each other.
We didn't. we didn't express our stresses, our anxieties to each other.
We didn't open up about anything.
We were just surface level the whole time.
And it was not nearly deep enough to be satisfying.
But we didn't fight or butt heads or ever have any issues, but we still broke up.
And I still, to this day, don't even know really why we broke up.
Cause it's like, cause we never talked.
So anyway, okay, next.
Next piece of modern dating advice, the cheating test.
This concept is so fucked up.
Message your significant other from a fake account with, like a hot profile picture or whatever, and see if they respond and cheat on you.
If you need to do this with your partner, Why don't you trust them?
Get to the bottom of that.
That is what you need to get to the bottom of.
And if you know that they're a cheater and it's driving you nuts because you're like oh, I forgave them because they cheated on me once.
I'm scared that they're going to do it again.
I believe...
It's maybe they're just not right for you.
You know what I mean?
If you have to go to this extent to like ease something in your mind, there is a big issue.
This should be beep, beep, beep.
Something's going wrong.
I need to figure out what is going wrong.
Whether it's you have trust issues from a past relationship or you don't trust your partner for some reason because they do sus things, or you maybe are super anxiously attached and you need like reassurance or something.
I don't know.
Listen, but you got to dig into it.
Listen, I get it.
In love, we can sometimes get into a weird state where we start doing stuff that is a little bit obsessive.
Stuff that we wouldn't normally do.
Stuff that is honestly out of character.
Because love is like a drug.
And it kind of puts you in a weird place.
And so you might start doing weird things.
And it can be easy to justify in the moment.
But in my opinion, if you are participating in the cheating test... you need a reality check.
And that's not an insult.
That's just like, hold on a minute.
What's going on here?
You're all wrapped up in this so much so that you're doing something a little bit weird.
Zoom out.
Go for a walk outside.
Take a deep breath.
Why are you doing that?
Open up the journal, crack it open and start writing shit down.
Why are you doing that?
And see what you discover.
But let me tell you there is a solution to whatever your issue is with your partner.
That is much more reasonable and much more respectable than what you're doing.
Not to insult you, because I get why you're doing it, because it's tempting sometimes.
If you have suspicions, if you feel insecure but you love your partner so much you're like.
I just need to test them and make sure.
No, you don't.
You need to talk to a therapist.
You need to break up with them.
You don't need to make a fake account.
I mean, I don't know how many people are doing that.
And again, I'm not judging you if you're doing that.
I'm just saying that that's a big alarm bell.
And last but not least, I've discussed this before but had to put it on the list because it's modern, trendy dating advice.
It's okay to look through your partner's phone.
If you have any doubts about your partner's loyalty, go through their phone and see what you can find.
This is like a milder version of making a fake account and seeing if your partner cheats.
That's a little bit too diabolical.
Going through the phone, some people might disagree with me.
I do see it as a breach of privacy.
Now, here's the tricky thing, though.
If you don't trust your partner to the point where you'd want to check their phone, You either do not trust them to a point that, in my opinion, warrants a breakup, or you have personal issues that are so severe that you can't be a partner that respects your partner's privacy.
Listen, I don't want my partners going through my phone.
Because sometimes I want to text my mom and be like, so-and-so's pissing me off.
And some would argue like, well, you shouldn't be having those conversations with your mom.
You should be having those conversations with your partner.
Yeah, but I'm a human being.
Or sometimes I want to text my friend and be like, oh man, my ex from five years ago just did this.
I just saw it.
It's so crazy.
And I don't need necessarily my partner to see that.
It's okay, I think, to have a little bit of privacy.
Call me crazy.
I personally believe in that.
I've never went through a partner's phone and I've never even been tempted to be honest because it feels so wrong to me.
And if somebody wants to see something on my phone, I'll just show them.
But yeah, I don't know.
It just, it feels sneaky and it doesn't feel like love to me.
And that's my opinion.
But again, some people might disagree with me.
I know a lot of people think it's okay.
I don't.
But also I know that there are, like I've heard so many stories of people being like thank God, I checked my partner's phone because they were cheating on me and there was a bunch of proof.
And when I hear stories like that, I'm like, fuck, like maybe it's not a bad idea.
I don't know.
It's really tricky.
To me, it's a breach of privacy.
It's kind of disrespectful to me, to me.
Kind of disrespects the relationship.
If you don't trust your partner to tell you about the conversations that they're having and who they're talking to and who they're hanging out with and stuff like that, if you think you need to check their phone to see what they're doing, why are you together?
Like that's a red flag and checking the phone isn't going to fix it.
Anyway, that's all I got for today.
If you're listening to this when it's uploaded, happy early Valentine's Day.
I hope you have a beautiful Valentine's Day.
And if you don't have a Valentine lined up, consider me your Valentine and I'll consider you mine, because I don't have one, at least at the time of recording this.
Although things change and I record ahead of time.
So maybe, maybe you guys, maybe Emma has a little Valentine.
Probably not.
Probably not.
No wait, I shouldn't say that just knocked on wood.
I think I will have a valentine this year.
Perhaps I'm recording this ahead of time enough that I might have a valentine uh, not a solid one, but maybe a little crush that could be a valentine or something of the sort.
I don't know, we'll see.
Life is crazy and things happen fast and you never know what's gonna happen.
So I'm just gonna you know.
But either way, whether I end up finding a valentine or not, you're still my valentine and I'm still and I'm still yours.
Happy valentine's day, my love.
You're beautiful.
No, you really are though.
That's all for today's episode.
I hope you enjoyed it.
If you did, new episodes of Anything Goes every Thursday.
Watch on Spotify and YouTube.
Listen anywhere on social media at Anything Goes.
I'm on the internet at Emma Chamberlain.
My coffee company exists and is called Chamberlain Coffee.
Check it out if you want.
I love you all.
I appreciate you all.
It's always a joy.
I'll talk to you next week.
Love you.
Happy Valentine's Day.
Love you.
Bye.
