Hello and welcome to or welcome back to Try Not To Care.
If you are new here, my name is Ashley and I upload every single Monday and I just sit down with you and I chat with you about life, about mental health, about friendships, about relationships, whatever is going on in my noggin.
And we have a good time, or at least I have a good time.
Happy to have you and how insane is it that it's November.
I definitely say this every single year and I sound like a boomer and I'm like I remember when it was January and it's like okay, pack it up grandpa, we get it.
But I think, as I get older, time is speeding up and it is scary.
But I'm also not mad that it's almost Christmas, because I love Christmas and by the time you listen to this episode, I'm I have taken down my Halloween decor, my fall decor, and put up my Christmas decor.
And I know it's this whole debate on whether or not you should wait until after Thanksgiving to put up Christmas decor.
But what am I supposed to decorate my house with in the month of November?
Pilgrims? leaves, turkeys.
No, no.
I want it to be a winter wonderland and I want to enjoy Christmas for more than a month.
I am gonna wait to put up the Christmas tree, because Josh and I have transitioned to buying a real tree.
I grew up in a fake tree family.
I'm a fake tree stan.
I feel like it makes more sense to just have one good tree and reuse it until you can't use it anymore.
But last year we went and cut down a tree and then Josh proposed.
So I am kind of sentimental about it and I get the tradition now.
So we're going to get a real tree, but I don't know when that's appropriate.
You know, when is that appropriate to put up a real tree?
How long does it last?
I don't know.
So I'm waiting on that.
But I'm happy.
I'm in the holiday spirit.
I'm holly and jolly.
I am getting over being sick.
You can probably hear it in my voice.
But I do feel good.
It's just I'm still congested.
I actually felt well enough to go to my Pure Bar class last night.
And they were doing a bring your boo to class night.
So I dragged Josh with me.
And it really was only because it's one of those things where I come home from Pure Bar and I'm saying how challenging the class was.
And I'm like, oh my God, my legs hurt so much from squats and josh did swimming in high school.
So they have this thing called dry lands and it's this really intense workout and even though he hasn't worked out and done that in 10 plus years, he'll be like oh, it can't be that bad, it can't be as bad as dry lands.
So i brought him with me last night to humble him and, safe to say, it was hard for him.
He was having trouble, he was huffing and puffing, he couldn't do the squats, he couldn't lift his leg, but of course by the end of the workout he's like oh, who wasn't as bad as drylands?
I'm like yeah okay whatever, but yeah, it was really fun.
I recommend dragging your significant other to your workout classes and humbling their ass.
But yeah, i feel good, i'm happy to be sitting down and talking with my besties.
So that was the little life update.
Let's just get into today's episode.
A lot of my ideas for episodes usually come from some type of video or Pinterest quote that I see.
That inspires me and I want to expand more on that idea.
And this week was a video that I saw on TikTok where it said maybe you don't realize how good you're doing because you keep raising the bar.
I definitely resonate with this.
I'm someone who...
Has a lot of aspirations, but anytime I accomplish something, I end up moving the goalpost and wanting to move on to the next thing that I'm excited about or that I'm interested in.
But I don't allow myself to slow down and celebrate the milestone that I just reached.
It's this really messed up mindset of like go go go, go and not allowing yourself to just enjoy the moment and celebrate everything that you've done.
It's like you're always chasing the next best thing where you're like okay well, I got this thing done, but it's not a big deal.
Like anyone could have done it.
What am I going to do next?
And then there's also this aspect where you're looking at what other people are doing and you think they're ahead of you.
So, even though you're getting things done and you're doing what you want to do, You're still looking at other people and feeling like you're behind.
And you think there's no time to celebrate what I just accomplished, because there's so much more to do and I have to play catch up.
That's what I think is actually kind of comical about high functioning individuals.
Everyone else sees how incredible they are.
They see how much effort they put in.
They can so easily identify that they have this insane work ethic.
They're just amazed at how much they're able to get done and how successful they are.
But these high functioning individuals still feel like they're not doing enough and there's always more that they can do.
These people are usually overachievers and you know everyone's on their own path, but these people usually are juggling more than they can handle, but they still get it done.
But to them, it's still not enough.
They feel like they need to do more.
This need to constantly be leveling up and doing more than you were doing before and performing at the highest level Definitely stems from different things.
I mean it can come from the pressure you felt as a kid, having parents be really hard on you about school or sports.
Or it can come from growing up around people who made you feel like you were never enough and you felt like you were always behind.
So now you want to prove that you are enough.
Or what I think is my problem is comparing yourself to other people.
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This is obviously something that everyone deals with, but I think as you get older and you get into your 20s, it becomes a lot more prevalent because there's so much pressure to be in your 20s and to do your 20s right.
We grew up with this idea that your 20s are the best part of your life and they're also the blueprint for the rest of your life.
So if you want to be successful, You need to get your shit together in your 20s.
In your early 20s.
You're coming out of high school and going to college and the people that you went to school with are going off to these super high ranked, important schools and they're becoming doctors and lawyers and you're like fuck.
I'm going to community college or I'm not going to college and I'm a fuck up and I'm going nowhere in life and I have no idea what I'm doing with my life.
And then fast forward a couple years and those same people are having babies, and they're getting married and they're buying houses, and you're like I just got a job and I can barely afford to feed myself and I also still don't know what I'm doing with my life.
What the heck did I... Where did I go wrong?
Why... am I like this?
And there's just this imaginary timeline that you feel as though you have to abide by because you think everyone else is.
And if even for a little bit, you fall behind on this timeline, you think that you're doing terribly and there's never going to be enough time to catch up.
Which is funny to say out loud because when you're in your 20s, you're so young.
We are so young.
We feel like We have to have everything figured out now because that's what we've been told.
But what about the rest of our lives?
That doesn't count.
Everything that we're going to experience in the next 70 years won't matter.
When you feel this way, when you feel like you don't have everything figured out and you feel like you're scrambling, it feels like the world's caving in on you and it feels like you're clawing to get up.
But the thing is, even when you do have your shit together, whatever that means to you, even when you claw your way up and you get to where you think is the correct place to be, or if you have everyone telling you you're so ahead of your age and you're so successful, comparison can still drive you to feel as if you're not doing enough and that everyone else knows more than you and is doing more than you.
So, to avoid feeling like you're behind or that you're a failure, you work even harder and you push yourself even more, But there's no stopping point, because there's always going to be someone who you think is farther along than you.
So you push, and you push and you scheme and you try to figure out what the next best thing is that's going to make you successful, that's going to make you fulfilled, that's going to change your life.
But nothing ever comes along that makes you stop feeling that way.
When it comes to being successful and accomplishing your goals.
I think there's a huge difference between working hard because you're excited about your work and you're feeling inspired and you're doing it with purpose, and then working so hard because you feel like you have to.
When you're working from a place of purpose and excitement, the effort that you put into your work feels different.
You're still working hard.
I mean, I would argue that you're working even harder, but it doesn't drain you in the same way that it would if you were working because you felt like you had to.
You feel connected to what you're doing.
Your ideas come to you more easily because you're aligned with what you care about.
You're not chasing something out of fear of being behind.
You're not obsessing over the results or rushing to finish some fake timeline.
The process feels natural and things just flow to you.
But when your motivation comes from pressure or fear of failing or comparing yourself to others, or from this belief that you're not doing enough, everything starts to feel heavy and the work feels forced.
You're probably still getting things done, but the energy behind it is anxious and it's intense and it's not sustainable.
The harder that you push yourself, the more stressed you become and the more likely you are to burn out, which then adds to you blaming yourself and thinking I'm so behind.
I'm not good enough.
I'm never going to catch up.
I'm such a failure.
And it becomes a cycle of pushing yourself so hard to prove your worth, only to feel drained and disconnected.
And you make it harder for yourself to actually do the work.
Success built on anxious energy and fear will never feel like success because by the end of it...
You're just happy that it's over.
Success built on purpose, where you're not doing it to prove that you're successful or that you're capable, and you're literally just doing it to express yourself and because you want to feels good.
It feels rewarding.
If this is something that you struggle with, if you're someone who's really hard on yourself and you feel like you're not doing enough, or you feel so far behind everyone else, or you just have a hard time being proud of yourself and celebrating your success, I want to give you some tips on how to overcome the pressure to perform at the highest level, and how to acknowledge and be proud of your accomplishments, big or small.
The first thing that's really helped me is finding gratitude, taking the time to slow down and really examine everything that I'm doing, but also where I am in life, what's going on in this season of my life and who am I surrounded by.
Part of the reason that we feel so far behind and like we're not doing enough is because we're so focused on the next best thing, and we're focused on the future rather than the present.
So obviously, when you're thinking about things that you want or that you wish you had, but you're not there yet or it's not yours yet, you feel like you're lacking something because you don't have it.
But just because you don't have it doesn't mean that you won't.
And just because you're not there yet doesn't mean that you're not going to get there.
It's just not time yet.
It's like being upset that you're not out with your friends partying because you're thinking about the weekend, when it's a Tuesday and you have a full nine to five job and your friends have jobs and you have responsibilities.
It doesn't make sense to get all worked up and be like, I'm such a loser.
I do nothing with my life.
Everyone's having such a better time than I am.
It's like, well, no, it's just it's not time yet.
You're thinking about Saturday activities when it's Tuesday.
Focus on right now.
Focus on what's going on in this moment, not a couple of days from now, or a couple of weeks from now, or a couple of years from now.
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Practicing gratitude helps you stay grounded and appreciate the season of life that you're in right now.
And when you're able to slow down and appreciate the people in your life, your everyday routine, your health, the joys of your life, all of your accomplishments, you're less likely to have this lack mindset.
So take the time to sit down and really think about what are things in my life right now that I'm so grateful for.
Things that I'm gonna look back at in five years from now and be like wow, I'm so nostalgic over this thing.
Oh my God, I miss this person.
Oh my God, I miss this time in my life.
I wish I can go back.
Things in your everyday routine that might seem mundane or boring, or that you may even take for granted.
This could be your friends and family just being grateful that you got to text them or talk to them that day.
This could be having a car, having access to drive to and from work and go where you need to go.
This could be having enough money to buy your family food, having a job that pays well and is steady and consistent.
You know, things that we all have but we don't really take the time to think about wow, I'm so grateful that I get to have these things.
It's okay to want more.
It's okay to have aspirations and goals, but But you need to have a balance between I want more, but I'm grateful and I appreciate the things that I have now.
For example, there's goals of mine within my career that I want to accomplish.
And sometimes I get in my head where I'm like, I'm so behind.
Why haven't I done this thing yet?
Why is this taking me so long?
But when I sit down and I practice gratitude, those voices tend to calm down.
They quiet down.
I'll usually sit down and write out all the things that I've done that I'm proud of.
I think about where I was before and how I felt before starting this podcast.
I think about the journey of growing Try Not To Care.
And when I do that I feel a sense of pride, because I've come a long way and I know that.
I know that younger me, 2021 me, would be out of her mind proud and happy and wanting to be where I am right now.
There's a version of you that would trade anything to be in the position that you're in now.
Which leads me to the second thing that's helped me and that's acknowledging that...
You're living a life that you once prayed for or asked for or wanted more than anything.
It can feel like you're not doing enough or that you're falling behind when you're constantly looking at other people and looking at their success.
But the thing that you need to remember is you don't know those people.
You don't know what it took for them to get to where they are now.
What you do know is what it took for you to get to where...
You are now.
You might not be a millionaire.
You might not have a mansion or drive a really cool car or live in a big city and go to the coolest parties.
But what you might have is security and safety and a partner who loves you and hears you when you speak.
Things that...
You might have never thought you'd have, especially if you grew up in a home that was chaotic and unpredictable and you didn't feel safe and you didn't feel heard.
Think back to the version of you that didn't know what safe love felt like, that didn't know what safety felt like, that didn't know what it felt like to be heard and understood.
If you have that now, if you have a loving partner, if you have a safe home, if you have a stable income, if you have any of those things, you are living in a prayer or a manifestation or a wish whatever you want to call it that you once asked for.
You finally have what you wanted.
It might not be what these other people have, but that's okay.
You have what you wanted.
That's why it's so important to focus on you and And not worry so much about what everyone else is doing.
Because, for all you know, the life that you're living right now and the things that you have might be something that someone else is praying for.
I like to look back at old dream boards of mine, vision boards of mine that I made a year ago or even a couple years ago.
I often look back at my 2019 dream board because that's really where the start of actually pursuing social media and stepping out of my comfort zone began as an adult.
I had this quote printed out that said, staying in your comfort zone will kill you.
And anytime I questioned whether I should be doing something that was uncomfortable or I was like afraid to post a video.
I would look back at that and use it as motivation.
I like to look back at that dream board now because I had so many experiences, aspirations and I wanted social media to work so bad.
So to be able to look back at that now being where I am, it's just surreal, and I know that 2019 me would be so proud of me now.
I also like to look back at old journal entries of mine, specifically the manifestation journal entries I'd make.
Sometimes we forget the things that we once asked for, that we wished for, that we just wanted so badly.
It's crazy to look back at my manifestation journals and see so many of my goals have come true I had written in my journal at the beginning of 2022 when I first started the podcast my podcast is going to be added to the charts and when I wrote that I had no idea what I was talking about I didn't I didn't even know what chart I was referring to I just wanted to be added to something to gain some sort of attention because at the time I really didn't have any listeners it was really just people who were knew me from TikTok or people in my hometown that were making fun of me.
But it's crazy to look back at that.
It's like I did chart.
I did have my podcast chart.
I charted number one on Spotify and Apple.
I was a top podcast in education and self-care.
And it's just insane because, even though I wanted that, I didn't even think that that was possible.
If 2022 me knew that my podcast was just hanging out right next to some of my favorite podcasts, like Emma Chamberlain's Anything Goes, I would have lost my fucking mind.
Imagine telling 2022 me hey, by the way, your podcast went number one.
You've reached millions of people.
You've helped women all over the world, but you're still not doing enough.
I still think you're a failure.
She would have looked me dead in the eyes, spit in my face, and punched me right then and there.
Can you imagine the disrespect telling a younger version of you who wants to be where you are right now?
I'm not doing enough and I suck.
They'd be like, what are you talking about?
You're everything that I've ever wanted to be.
If you're going to compare yourself to anyone, compare yourself to younger versions of you.
Younger versions.
Who'd be so proud of you?
That would be your biggest fan.
Who think you're doing the most?
Who think you're fucking killing it?
The third thing that's helped me is learning to measure my success by more than productivity and external validation.
Obviously it feels good to get things done to accomplish your goals and also it feels incredible when we're awarded or we're celebrated for achieving those goals and for our success.
But those aren't the only indicators of doing good.
Just because we're not working on a million things or we're not constantly being noticed for our work doesn't mean that we're not successful.
It doesn't mean that we're not taking care of ourselves and doing good.
There's been times at the end of the night where I'd go to bed and I'd feel bad about myself because I didn't get everything that I wanted to get done.
Or I decided to have a rest day or a leisure day where I didn't do any work.
And I would just spiral being so incredibly mean and so incredibly harsh to myself.
And I'd use that one day as evidence for why I'm a fuck up.
Why I'm so behind in life.
Why things aren't going the way that I want them to.
The same thing happens when we work really hard on something and our work goes unnoticed.
This could be doing a really great job at work and not getting the promotion or not being praised for all the energy you've put into work.
Or it could be working really hard on a video that you post online and getting no views.
You take the lack of validation from other people to the heart and you use it as evidence for why you're failing.
But you're not failing.
You're just focused on one piece of the puzzle when there's so many other indicators of success.
When you're able to acknowledge the other factors, you won't feel so bad about yourself.
For example, with the video.
You might have not gotten the outcome that you wanted.
You might have not gotten as many comments or views that you wanted.
But all of the energy you put into planning that video and getting ready for that video and filming that video and having the courage to post that video is just as important and should be acknowledged just as much as if you got a million views on that video.
Especially if you're someone who's taken so much time learning to overcome the fear of being seen by people.
You showing up and posting that video in itself is something to be proud of.
Success can look so many different ways.
Success can be consistency.
Success can be keeping promises to yourself.
Success can be fulfilling your needs.
If you're not feeling well, if you're burnt out, if you need to rest and recharge.
That's just as important as the work that needs to get done.
Because without taking care of yourself, without allowing yourself time to decompress and gather yourself and fuel up, you're not going to be able to perform the way that you want to.
You're not going to be able to feel inspired or be creative or have the energy to follow through with the work that you want to do.
Rest is productive and that's successful.
Success can also be protecting your peace and setting boundaries and taking care of yourself.
Success can be finding that balance in your life where you work really hard but you also spend time with your friends and your family and you spend time doing the things that you love and enjoying your hobbies.
I'm not going to lie.
There's times where I do lay in bed at night and I still have that same feeling of like I wish I did more.
I don't feel the best about myself right now.
But now knowing that success doesn't mean just working really fucking hard and that's it.
I'm able to calm myself down and talk myself off the edge of a cliff.
So what I like to do now every single night.
And I know that sounds like a lot, but every night when I'm laying in bed, I'll think of three things that I'm grateful for, three things that I did well that day and three things that I enjoyed that day.
There might be days where the three things that I did well relate to work, but there's also days where the three things that I did well might be.
I didn't go on my phone first thing in the morning.
I cleaned up the kitchen and I did laundry.
I handled a situation better than I would have in the past.
Those things might seem mundane.
They might seem like, okay, everyone does that.
That's not a big deal.
But to me, they are.
Starting the day off without feeling triggered is a big deal to me.
Taking care of my space, taking care of myself is important to me.
Being able to regulate my emotions is important to me.
And when I follow through with things that are important to me, I should celebrate that.
The last tip that I want to give you is to document your growth even if it's small.
So big or small, document your growth.
There's this concept in psychology, known as the treadmill theory or the hedonic adaption theory where, regardless of any major positive or negative life change, we all return to a relatively stable level of happiness.
Obviously, when incredible things happen to us, we get really, really happy, and it's this rush of emotions
But after a certain amount of time that high level of happiness fades and you go back to your specific baseline, like how you normally are.
So no matter how good things get like you get a promotion or you buy a house or you win the lottery You're not going to stay as happy as you are when it first happens.
Your happiness is going to spike and then it's going to come back down and decrease back to what it was prior.
The reason that this happens is we adapt to the new situation.
You might think If I get this promotion, it's going to change my life and I'm never going to complain again.
And I'm going to be the happiest I've ever been.
And you might feel that way for the first month or first year or first two years, but then it becomes your normal and you get used to it and your happiness goes back to your baseline.
The reason that this is called the treadmill theory is it's a metaphor for how you know when you're on a treadmill, you're constantly moving forward.
It's the same way with how you live life.
You're pursuing new goals, new passions.
You're getting all these new material items.
You're having all these incredible experiences and you keep going and going, but you're not satisfied.
There's no end goal.
You're chasing this happiness or this specific feeling, But you end up right back where you started, returning to the baseline level of your happiness.
That's why a lot of people want more.
That's why they're never satisfied.
They get that spike of happiness, it decreases and they adapt to their new life or their new situation.
And because it's not new and exciting or it's not challenging, they're on to the next thing.
To avoid getting sucked into that cycle of always wanting more and not being grateful for the journey, not being grateful for the things that you have now you need to document your growth.
I think it's a good idea to document daily, document all the things that you did well that day, reasons that you're proud of yourself compliments, people gave you, things that you're working on.
I like the idea of building some type of poster board like a physical poster board, or you can do a mood board on your phone or computer, kind of like a vision board, but instead of what you want to do in the future.
It's everything that you're currently doing or that you've already completed.
So, in the same way that you would go and view your vision board to see what you want to do with this mood board, you would look back and see what you've already completed and remind yourself of all the hard work that you've already done.
This is going to help you whenever you find yourself back at that steady level of happiness, or even if you're lower than that and you're feeling really down about yourself, to remind you of everything that you've accomplished, all the good things that you've done, all the good things that have happened to you, manifestations that have come true, goals that you've crossed off.
So when it feels like you're not doing enough or that you're not going anywhere, you can look back at this board as a reality check of, like holy cow, I have done so much.
Like, what am I talking about?
I've done so much.
I'm doing so good.
Speaking of treadmills, they are also a good metaphor in the way of constant forward motion can feel like you're not going anywhere, even when you are.
Like when you're on a treadmill and you're running or you're walking, you're going forward, but you're still in the same spot.
So if you weren't to look at the miles that you've ran or that you've walked, you might think that you haven't made any progress and you're walking in the same exact spot and you haven't gone anywhere.
Apply that to your life.
When you're constantly leveling up and chasing the next goal and not allowing yourself to slow down and review your progress, of course you're not going to feel like you've gone anywhere, that you've done anything.
Before you move on to your next goal, take a second slow down and acknowledge and review the progress that you've already made, what you've already done, what you've already completed, because if you don't, You're never going to feel satisfied.
So take note of all the energy that you put in, everything that you do.
Celebrate your success, document your success and let yourself slow down to look back at all of your accomplishments.
I want to end today's episode the same way that I ended last week's episode, with giving you some journal prompts.
As always, you're so welcome to do these and share these with the Try Not To Care community through Spotify comments or through the group chat that's linked in the show notes.
And if any of you have any good journal prompts that you think would work well with today's episode, I would love to hear that.
And I'm sure so many other listeners would love to hear that as well.
But I want you to think about these questions, or you can come back to them when you need a little support.
What is one thing that I wanted a couple years ago that I have now?
What are three things that I'm proud of?
When was the last time i celebrated me and what does success mean to me?
I hope you like those journal prompts.
I hope they help you and, like i said, i would love if you shared your response to them with me and if you have any other journal prompts, let me know.
That is where i'm going to end today's episode.
If you liked it, i would love if you rated trying to care on spotify and apple.
If you haven't already share on instagram and tiktok, follow me on instagram and tiktok.
Both of those are linked in the show notes.
If you're not already, you can join the group chat.
That's also linked in the show notes.
And yeah, i just hope you enjoyed today's episode.
I'll do a little poll on spotify because i just realized i can do those again, so if you use spotify, you can engage in that, as always.
Thank you so much for listening to trying to care and supporting trying to care.
I appreciate you so much and i just love you so much and i I will talk to you next Monday.
So I'll see you then.
Love you.
