Han, I'm about to say what you said to me when you were trying to get into an R rated movie.
I need your help.
I told you three times, I don't fit up drain pipes.
Listen, I just saw this text on Bobby's phone from his ex-girlfriend, Jessica.
I think they might have a secret baby together.
Wow, that would really devastate Kedeline.
More importantly, Bobby and I are rose gold buddies.
I just have to make sure before I say anything to panic Caroline.
I need to do some detective work.
So you and I are going to go down to Jessica's wedding planning business and pretend we're a couple.
Obviously, I'll be the groom.
Max, this might come as a surprise to you, but I'm a very busy man.
I don't have time for your sophomoric hijinks.
Ah, that's what they said to Adam Sandler, and it only made him richer.
I'm flattered I was your first choice.
Man, she asked me five people ago.
I think she was down to you or a broom, and the broom was busy.
If I'm doing this, we have to use our best acting skills, because who's going to believe you landed me?
Ugh, I really wish Steve the Broom didn't have Pilates at 4.
OK, this must be Jessica's office.
Here, better put this on for the bit.
This was smuggled out of North Korea by my great-grandfather in his great backside.
Oh, the classic tush cut.
Now, remember, we're detectives.
We're like Cagney and the only guy who could get to come with me.
Hi, you must be Max and Han.
I'm Jessica.
Thanks so much for coming in.
Aw, you guys are so super cute.
How does our cuteness compare to, say, a baby?
Wow, you're thinking ahead.
Or are you expecting a little one?
I've already got a little one.
What about you?
Making fun of my size is kind of our thing.
Like making sweet love.
So, I'm with child, are you?
Actually, I'm kind of... So, for the wedding, I was thinking of a nature theme.
Something in the park, whimsical, of course, with lanterns and flowers, a big tent.
Oh, oh, really?
You want big top peewee?
Jessica was talking.
Sorry, dear, your ball and chain hates what I get a word in.
Sign me up for a lifetime.
Sorry, I missed what you were saying about having a baby.
We're not here to talk about me.
Let's talk about you and your affair.
Oh, I'm definitely gonna have one.
As magic hour descends over the city, Max and I will retire to the honeymoon suite, where she carries me over the threshold.
Excited for what's to come.
Well, it's not going to be either of us.
So back to you, Jess.
The party favors could be little compasses that lead you to your table.
Or to a waiting escape boat.
Are you sure you two are right for each other?
Are you kidding?
I am obsessed with him.
We're two people madly in love.
Right, Max?
Bring those lips over here and don't forget to invite your tongue to the party.
Oh, I'm sure she can see we're in love without having to put our mouths on each other.
Please?
She's shy.
Once she starts, it's hard to put the snake back in the can.
Could you feel the heat from where you are?
Are you wearing lip gloss?
Listen, I've been down this road before.
With a stroller?
I'm just asking because that's how I push him around.
This wedding isn't making it to the banquet hall.
I don't even think it's making it to the car.
You two should go.
You're moody.
Are you pregnant?
Nope.
He's gonna be here.
Why am I so positive?
The only reason I know where my dad is is because he's in prison.
Ooh, live one coming in.
This guy looks like he's missed a few soccer games.
If that jabroni is him, tell him I'm not here.
Max, one of these losers is gonna be your dad.
I mean, we're in Rhode Island.
I'm going to get a quick refill.
I got it, hon.
I'm in the industry.
Caroline, I'm starting to think he's not going to show.
You really screwed the pooch this time.
Me?
Yeah, this is your thing now.
You took the reins, remember?
You're Trevor Noah, and I'm Jon Stewart.
I've got my Emmys.
I'm done now.
Well, you started this, and after I finally got her over Randy, the night terrors just stopped.
I was terrified of her at night.
You can sleep with a cheap taser now.
I already do, for the same reason.
Quiet!
This girl is sleeping.
We just got him down.
And we'd like to make out.
I spilled a lot of syrup on myself.
Let's just wake Earl up and get out of here.
My dad's not coming.
Maybe your dad's still on his way.
I heard traffic's building up on all the expressways.
Kind of an ironic name, wouldn't you say?
Expressway?
More like slowway.
This is Caroline's thing.
Let's just go.
I want to get back before Cinnabon gives away their day olds.
You know we own a dessert bar, right?
Maybe he's still going to come.
If I know one thing about the man I know nothing about, he is not coming.
Are you disappointed?
No.
A little.
But maybe it's for the best he didn't come.
This is why I didn't want to meet him, because whoever comes through that door is just going to disappoint me.
And this way I get to imagine he's someone cool like Burt Reynolds or Captain Crunch.
So you're really okay?
Yeah.
We had a great date.
Road trip, medical squirrel.
I don't need another loser in my life.
I have you guys.
Gary, Max's father didn't show.
How does that make me feel?
Terrible.
I don't think Han's handling it as well as I am.
Honestly, if it were my thing, I would want to kill myself right now.
She's hurt, and she's family to me.
How does that make me feel?
Like I should have gone to an out-of-network doctor.
God, I made Han have a meltdown on my day off.
You calm down, Gary.
I won't count to ten.
You count to ten, you bastard.
Hey, welcome to the, uh... Hey, y'all, what the hell is this place called, anyway?
Uh, oh, my God, Dad!
Hold on, Gary.
A vagrant that could very well be Max's father just walked in.
Pretend you're my dad and they'll give you 40 bucks.
Throw in a joint and we have a deal.
Maybe you are my dad.
I don't have kids.
Too much pot.
Guys, this is my dad.
I'm the hot girl's dad.
Was anyone else expecting a cop?
I mean, you know for the irony, i'm caroline.
See, it's like not a bob, but it's not shoulder length.
I'm responsible for this reunion.
Um, he's not really my dad.
I'm doing this for hot, all right, everybody.
Uh, my dad and i have had a heartwarming reunion and now he has to get to a secret mission in an exotic locale.
Sure, but i can't leave the county, sure?
Local secret mission.
Hey, you seem like a nice kid.
Your father should be proud.
Thanks.
Sorry about the outburst, Gary.
You know it stems from my mother's expectations.
Thanks for doing this, Han.
Anyone in the hug business?
I didn't even flinch.
We are making progress.
Sure am.
Don't want to get stuck being a cashier my whole life.
Oleg, you forgot the damn squirrel.
Come on, little guy.
We don't abandon anybody.
If I'm going to have sex with Bobby, I need new underwear.
My current pair has more holes than the plot of Arrival.
You came here?
There's no lube aisle.
None of the mannequins are doing each other.
This is a classy lingerie store, not secondhand hoes.
I got kicked out of there.
I ate a pair of edible underwear and I put the box back on the shelf.
Ladies, I'm Rita.
Welcome to the art of seduction, where seduction begins with a shot of tequila and ends with a shot of penicillin.
Not what I was going to say at all.
What can I help you ladies with?
Uh, she has a third date situation happening.
Do you have anything that says grand reopening?
I want to be naughty, but I get cold.
I found your shoelace section, but where's the underwear?
That is underwear, and you're holding it backwards.
Oh, sure, I see it now.
Let's go to Target.
And, uh, what about you?
Any third dates coming up?
Actually, no.
I am retired sexually.
Took the sock off the door and now I'm wearing it.
Oh, come on, Max.
We both know you're not really retired from sex.
We are two young sexual beings.
Where are you supposed to wear this?
That's a purse.
Uh...
If I'm not retired, then why did Larry Flint send me a gold watch thanking me for my 20 years of cervix?
How about this teddy?
I just need simple underwear.
I want a nice presentation for my noonie-noo.
Look, it doesn't matter what you wear.
With a body like yours, it's not gonna be on long.
Ah, see, Max?
She likes my body.
Taste of change since I got out of the game.
And these panties are great to bounce in.
The frills in the back really accentuate the twerk when you're doing the swinging Linda.
Linda must have a bunch of back problems.
Oh my God, do I have to do that?
Whatever happened to lying down?
That's a guy's job now.
Skanks like us ruin that for you.
She's not wrong, but I teach a burlesque class around the corner.
You should come.
It can really help you get in touch with your body.
It's okay, I'm already very in touch with my body.
Oh yeah, she's real in touch.
This one's keeping Duracell in business.
Because the riverboat doesn't get to New Orleans for two days and we have nowhere to sleep.
Oh, but there is a whittle your own banjo workshop at five.
I have whittled to no interest in that.
Oh, it says they have the loosest slots around.
I guess the Darby sisters from my hometown are here.
I did see a bunch of lounge chairs over by the swamp exhibit.
I guess we could sleep there tonight and then the next night, well, hopefully we'll be dead.
Come on, Red!
Max, no!
That's all of our money!
No more bets.
That is so stupid.
And not cute stupid like when you thought Velcro grew in nature.
And Red is the winner.
Well, rootin' tootin'!
Always bet on Red because my last name is Black and that's not been a winner.
Okay, now that we've doubled our money, maybe we should stop.
Come on, Red!
No more bets?
No, I didn't even get to touch it before you lost it.
Why do you hate having things?
Red again.
Just call me Al Roker, because I'm making it rain.
Max, we're winning at something.
Now just stand there looking pretty, so let's order Daddy some wang.
Oh my God, I look pretty?
And I get to flag down a waitress?
Waitress!
I'll have a sarsaparilla and some wangs for Big Daddy.
Sophie's calling.
Like I'm gonna get it.
Come on, 18!
Which was also the title of my adult film debut.
Mine would have been called, mine as well, I'm 24.
Excuse me, Mr. Mustache, could you stop feeling my ankle with your toes?
I guess that's a no.
Oh, 18!
Winner!
We won!
I'm rich!
Now you have no shot with me.
Stay close, sweet cakes, or good luck.
Here, buddy.
Buy yourself some new sandals and a round of mouthwash for the table.
All right, place your bets.
I place mine on a liberal arts degree.
That's why I'm here.
Let her ride.
Max, maybe we should quit while we're ahead since we've never been before.
Aren't you worried that we might... 18 again!
Keep winning and never die?
Let's go with four.
The number of men who have flashed me since I've been on this riverboat.
Lucky four!
No more bets.
Who's driving this thing, Gary Busey?
Oh, four.
No winners.
Yes, winners!
We had four, but then the boat moved our chips.
Yeah, and also spilled my soda.
So like I said, no winners.
Sure, we lost all our money, but at least you got to see some dongs.
Hey, Sophie, it's me... Oh!
I fall for her, hello, this is Sophie, outgoing message every time.
We need them to send that money.
Oh, thank God.
Hi, Sophie.
It's... Ah!
Hello?
It's taking longer than it took me to almost graduate.
Just hang on to your hair extensions.
They're obvious?
Oh, my turtle sense was right.
Max is on her back and she's not under a boy turtle.
Maybe she's all right.
I don't smell fire and everyone's shoulders are still in their sockets.
Why are separate checks taking so long?
Can we please get our change?
Um, you put the apps on Bunny's bill, right?
Because she ate the most, as per you.
Stop telling people I eat!
Stop telling people my LSAT scores.
Stop talking!
I have to start over.
I have a lot of numbers in my head, and they're all angry.
I have to help her.
Separate checks.
Max calls 13-10-3.
Caroline, wait.
Let her try and handle this on her own.
Otherwise, we'll never be able to go on a second date.
Would she really need... There's going to be a second date?
Okay.
Listen up, everybody.
Calm down.
Here's what we're going to do instead of separate checks.
I'm not good at math, but I have been a negotiations expert for ten three years.
Ashley, you're going to get $6 from Bunny's PayPal account and she's going to do your nails.
Bunny, you're going to Venmo Amber 20 and she's going to let you borrow her gay friend Dave for your sister's wedding.
Everybody good?
You've got ten three minutes to decide.
We're good.
Problem solved.
Max, that was amazing.
I knew you could do that on your own.
No, you didn't.
You were spying on me.
Her turtle sense went off.
Is it strange that I'm a little sad that you don't need me?
I didn't say I don't need you, but you are a little sad.
Oh.
It was a pleasure waiting tables at your side.
You and I have a chemistry you can't make in a lab.
You have a real strange way of talking to dudes.
Uh, hi.
Did you guys know there are two naked people eating chicken off each other in there?
What?
I haven't chicken-proofed those since.
All right, I'm closing my eyes, and then I'm coming in.
Isn't he brave?
So did he bravely go where no man has gone before?
Under your sweater?
No, but we were smooching in the movie.
Shut up!
No, you shut up.
No, really, shut your damn mouth.
I'm exhausted.
There's Daddy's little jock block.
I tried to release my sexual frustration creatively, but my erotic poetry was rejected by National Pornographic for being quote just disgusting.
My sexes are so lame.
Why can't I be disgusting?
There's a burrito stuck to the side of your dresser.
You're there.
Can't wait for you to put your butt on top of my butt in my pants?
Geez, thanks for the nice break from being horny.
I am not proud of how not slutty it is.
Give me back my phone.
It hasn't had its shots.
Send.
What?
Your testicles are two glistening Cadbury eggs, and Mama's got a sweet tooth.
This mama's got puke in her mouth.
I cannot believe you sensed something so disgusting.
You are dead to... He likes it!
You wanna throw the man down?
You call Oleg.
I'm here for the bartender interview.
Oh, no.
You too?
Do I know him?
Wait a minute.
Dad?
You're the puppet guy that tried to sue us two years and three businesses ago by saying we injured you.
She broke my puppet.
Wait, we never had sex.
Did we?
Do you wiggle a lot?
I do.
But we didn't.
Anyway, uh, since I changed psychopharmacologists, the puppets aren't talking to me.
As much.
Here's my resume.
Please don't call the references.
They're all jealous of me.
Under special skills, you wrote revenge.
Oh, whoops.
That was supposed to be under favorite TV shows.
But can't we just let bygones be bygones?
I mean, really, I've done a lot of work on myself.
I have found inner peace and I've completely, completely centered myself through a series of therapy sessions that became intensely sexual.
Yeah, I know.
It's on your resume.
Him you can call.
We don't like to work with nemesises.
Nemesi?
Let's just go with creepy people that we hate.
Fine.
You two with your porcelain skin and your businesses.
I'll go back to my crappy daytime job at FYI, Cagney and Lacey.
Nobody knows what the hell a dessert bar is.
What is so hard to understand?
It's signature cocktails paired with dessert confections.
Oh, why do all my enemies have to be geniuses?
Next.
Ding, ding, ding.
It's just some clerical error, so we should be able to get our license today.
Let me handle this.
You know you have a history of getting slappy with bureaucrats.
Hi.
We got this in the mail, and there's been some teensy little mistakes.
Well, well, well.
I've got this, Moesha.
Why don't you go clean up your little Lean Cuisine explosion in the microwave?
Oh, she's a mess.
Now, how can I not help you two?
This is your dead-end job?
I pictured you working as a drug mule or a seat filler on The View.
That's a job?
Dude, I just made a mistake on the application.
Can't you just give us a break?
Our dessert bar is supposed to open tomorrow night.
Please?
I gave up a boyfriend for this business and I'm gonna mess up her pretty face if it doesn't work out.
Max, thank you.
I was starting to think you didn't think I was that pretty.
If we don't fix this, we're gonna have to delay our opening.
So, please?
You know what?
Let me talk to my supervisor.
His neck's a little rusty, but that's a no.
Okay, zombies, three minutes till we shoot.
Let me see you wriggle and moan.
Funny.
Am I moaning because I am horrified at what I've become or because I'm in pain from hanging on this meat hook?
She must be going to ask the director.
Here comes Randy.
How do I look?
Like a piece of meat?
I'll take it.
You were hilarious in that last scene.
I think everybody's really happy they didn't get Eddie Murphy.
Eddie Murphy?
I was wondering why I had to play my whole family at dinner.
This is a comedy?
Well, it's a good thing I'm so versatile.
I think I'll make Jill clumsy.
Where'd they go?
Yeah, meditation has totally changed me.
Not as angry.
Hey, don't look at me!
Yeah, you do seem calmer.
I wonder why they demanded your lawyer be on set.
Dude, when we get back to L.A., there's someone I want to set you up with.
Oh, I need to hear this.
Push me.
She's hot, but I'm just not dating anyone who drives a Prius right now.
I'm in a weird place right now.
I love just mean Texas.
You're not still seeing that girl in New York, are you?
What girl in New York?
Me.
Did your brain get eaten already, or is Jill just an idiot?
She is just overwhelmed.
She has three kids under the age of five and car trouble.
We broke up.
After FaceTiming so much, I felt like I was dating my iPhone.
The other night at dinner, we split an appetizer.
Yeah, Max is incredible, but we're just in different places right now.
No, you're not.
I wish I could say the long-distance thing was gonna be enough for me, but it wasn't.
It wasn't ever gonna be.
It just can't be enough.
Like you, with compliments about your hair.
You like it, though, right?
You know, I'm doing everything I can to get over her.
Walked around my phone, went to therapy, watched all 13 seasons of Grey's Anatomy.
Then realized I'd only watched 20 minutes of one episode.
So, yes or no on my hair?
It's great.
But I'm not ready to meet that girl with the Prius just yet.
I mean, I'm all for good gas mileage.
Just not yet.
I get it.
You're gay now.
I wish.
All right.
Two minutes, everybody.
Let's do this thing quick, because this movie sucks.
Max, why didn't you say something?
That was your chance.
You heard what he said to that fake sheriff.
The long distance thing isn't enough for him, and he needs to move on.
It's only fair that I let him.
Stupid showing up at movies like... Oh, surprise, Max.
I'm here.
Sorry, we're closed.
You ran out of there so fast, you trampled that strange exotic bird.
That was Tilda Swinton, and I apologized.
How did you know I was here?
I followed you.
You could have just poked me on Facebook.
I'd rather poke you in person.
So, gonna give me a drink?
Are you going to give me a reason you're here?
Are you going to give me a reason you're so beautiful?
Are you going to give me a reason?
Okay, fine.
I'll give you a dream.
I just got over you.
What do you want from me?
I want to be with you.
Oh, please.
Please.
You think you can just come in here in your suit and be like, uh, I want to be with you, Max.
You say you love me, you say you can't live without me, and then you go and live without me.
You, sir, are unreliable.
Max, I miss you.
Every time I see Cheeto dust or a girl wearing flip-flops in an expensive restaurant, I tear up.
Oh, really?
I thought you said long-distance relationships didn't work.
Not going to be long distance anymore.
What about your firm in LA?
We just opened offices in New York.
Where are they?
Two blocks from my new apartment I just got.
Where's your dog?
Doesn't he have season tickets to the Lakers?
He and Jack Nicholson got in a fight.
What about all that stuff you said about us being in different places in our lives?
I want to be in your place.
What about that thing you said about the way I eat noodles?
I'm working on that.
Max, I've been crazy about you since the moment I met you.
I don't want to live without you.
Oh, really?
Really.
Prove it.
Max George Black.
I love you.
Will you marry me?
Wait, what?
Max, where did you go?
You missed everything.
And as hard as I tried, they wouldn't give me a second swag bag.
And I will not share the Kate Hudson yoga pants.
You can have them, because I have this.
You stole an engagement ring?
Can I come out now?
It smells in there.
Oh, my God.
Randy, are you upset that Max is engaged?
Oh, wait!
Now I know why you wanted to tell her without me.
Back to the smelly room.
Oh my god!
This night that was totally about me is totally about you and I'm not even jealous!
