Our next guest, comedy special, American Boy, is streaming now on Netflix.
Please welcome the very funny Marcelo Hernandez.
Hello.
Hello, everyone.
I'm happy to be here.
If you don't know, I grew up in Miami in a house full of women it was.
It was my mom and my sister and then in high school, my mom's best friend and her daughter moved into my house.
So it was me and four women, and when that happens to you, you have no choice but to become a woman.
At school I was a man, but then I would come home and my sister would be like I met someone and I'd be like show me a picture.
It's just one of the girls.
When you grow up with women in your house, you learn a lot very fast.
I have seen too much.
A woman getting ready to leave the house is one of the most violent scenes I have ever witnessed in my entire life.
The bathroom of a woman that's getting ready to leave the house is not a bathroom anymore.
That is Dexter's laboratory.
There's electricity and water at the same time.
It is hot in there.
It is so hot in there.
And it's dangerous.
There's sharp stuff.
It's on fire in there.
It feels like the restaurant kitchen, you know?
If you walk in there, you have to say something.
You have to go, I'm in the corner, I'm corner.
I'm behind you, I'm behind you.
It's dangerous in there, okay?
And they're doing their makeup and it's not peaceful.
It's not like .
No, she has a pencil and she's putting it in her eye.
And her eye starts to cry and she's a savage.
She goes .
And then she goes deeper with the pencil.
The eye is rejecting the pencil.
If the eye could talk, the eye would say, please mama, no more pencil.
But she goes deeper, and if she makes a mistake, she goes, I have to start again!
Like that.
Violent.
The clothes that women wear to leave the house is some of the most dangerous equipment I have ever seen.
It's insane, and you don't even realize it as a man.
You go to a club, and you see a beautiful woman, and you're like, wow, that's a nice shirt.
That's not a shirt, papa.
That thing clips, okay?
You have no idea that it clips, all right?
You thought she put her shirt on like this?
She put it on like this.
She had to jump probably.
They go through a lot.
The appointments that women go to are all violent.
I've been to every appointment because I had a single mom and I didn't behave good.
Been to all of them.
Every woman has a mustache.
Did you know that?
They all have a mustache.
They get it before us.
And they get it taken care of in the most violent way possible.
They go to a salon and they go, I have a mustache.
And then the lady goes, how would you like me to take care of that?
And then the woman is like, oh, I don't know.
I think I would like it if you could maybe rip it off my face.
And they pay a little woman with big forearms to go, no!
Everything they do is violent.
The hair is violent.
They go to a salon to do their hair.
It costs $450 to cut two hairs.
They light their hair on fire.
They put chemicals in their hair.
They put their hair in aluminum foil like their hair is food.
And then they tell her, they go, go sit in the microwave.
And she does.
She sits in the microwave and she gets her head cooked in there.
And Lord knows how much radiation goes into their brain.
And that's why women are a little bit different, you know?
That's why they ask crazy questions, you know?
If a woman wants to know if you love her, she goes.
If I was a donkey, you were a lizard.
Do you think we could still be together?
And you're like, what?
And she goes, if I was a donkey, did I stutter when I asked the question?
Women ask crazy questions.
Women ask questions you can't believe.
Women will be like if I was a white t-shirt on a rack full of white t-shirts and they all looked the same, could you find me?
Probably not.
The Brazilian wax, there's nothing Brazilian about this.
They put the word Brazil there so that you think it's a tropical experience, but it is not.
I have been there in my soccer cleats.
They grab your mom and they throw her on a surgical table.
And then a little goblin comes through some curtains.
And she goes, and she puts honey and duct tape on your mom.
And she goes, I'm gonna count to three, okay?
One, two!
And then she holds it up like the head of a soldier that she just killed.
Then she looks at your mom and she goes, it has been a long time.
And when they rip it off, women do not scream and they do not cry.
They are too hardcore to do something so weak.
They rip it off and they just talk.
They rip it off and then she goes, my son is in the third grade.
Thank you guys so much.
Please watch it.
Thank you.
That's how you do it.
Come on.
That's what I'm talking about.
Marcelo Hernandez!
That's great.
His stand-up special, American Boy, is available right now on Netflix.
We'll be right back, everybody.
