Hey, weirdos.
I'm Miranda.
And I'm Coraline Jones.
That was so deeply upsetting.
And that's all.
Just kidding.
It's morbid.
I don't want you to, but I also want you to.
I'm Coraline Jones.
I said it with a good accent the first time.
That's crazy.
You're going to be pleathering all over the place, I just realized.
ASMR.
I can't believe she's wearing pleather.
It's fall of 2025.
Listen, it's raining, okay?
That's not in my newest print here.
I don't give a shit.
I'm Coraline Jones, bitch.
I was going to say nice cerulean hair.
It's blue.
It's not just blue.
You're not my mom.
Okay.
I'm your other mother.
Or as my youngest would say, the utter mother.
The utter mother.
Hey.
We both got really bad sleep scores last night on our aura rings, so this is going to be crazy.
It really is.
But here we are.
Coraline Jones and Miranda Priestly.
Which also, I didn't even plan this to be as topical as it is.
You originally were going to be somebody else.
Yeah, which I'm going to be next week.
And I'm going to pivot to be something even funnier.
But I said to Alayna before we got started here, I said...
I've never felt more like myself.
I looked over at Ash and I just was like, something about this works.
Like I think everything about this works.
Thank you.
I just looked over and I was like, that's right.
Yeah.
That's correct.
I feel great right now.
As you should.
I don't know that I'd ever get this haircut.
I'm not saying it's a bad haircut.
Maybe you will.
You don't know.
I don't know.
Who knows the future?
You don't know how you're going to feel.
Not me.
Because you look great.
Thank you.
Thank you.
It would be a lot to style this haircut every day, I feel.
That's how you get older and you get it styled.
Oh, yes, yes.
That's your luxury.
Oh, God, I can't wait for that luxury.
We say all the time we should start doing that.
I know.
I would love to do.
Well, and you know why?
Because we have to redo your listener tales.
We do.
And that's important, too.
Because listener tales are... Brought to you by... Wait, should I do it in Miranda Priestly voice?
Yes.
Brought to you by you, for you, from you, and all about you.
That's all.
That's all.
I love saying that.
I used to.
There was a girl on my softball team, and her and I would do that all the time.
That's all.
That's all.
I like when he says, you've become an incubus of viral plague.
I say that all the time.
Yeah.
Anytime one of my kids gets sick, I'm like, ugh.
You're an incubus of viral play.
I need to rewatch The Devil Wears Prada.
I haven't seen it in forever.
Yeah, because the new one is being filmed, isn't it?
I think it's done.
Oh, it's done?
Yeah, the mini trailer.
People say the trailer came out.
Sorry, my glove broke and I'm upset about it.
It's really like a teaser.
I haven't even seen the teaser.
I haven't either.
I just heard that it came out.
Maybe it's a lie.
It's not.
They watched it on Sup.
It's a lie.
It's not.
I heard it on Sup.
It's real.
Sup said it's real, okay?
Sup said it's real, so it's real to me.
And we believe Carrie and Lara.
Yeah, we do.
We do.
That's all.
All right, so should I start?
Yeah.
Let's start.
Start.
With a listener tale.
How about that?
I think that's the best way to start.
So this one's called The Chained Man.
And shut the fuck up, Ash.
You're a Gemini, so of course it's always about you.
How do I know?
Because I'm a Gemini too.
I was offended when I first started reading this.
I was like, wow, is this hate mail?
And then I was like, oh, you too?
Okay.
Imagine if it was just like The Chained Man and shut the fuck up ash.
Yeah, i'd fight you.
Yeah, oh my god, thank you, i would.
Elena would fight you.
I would you guys think that?
Well, not you guys, but some people think that elena's mean to me.
But if anybody's actually mean to me, she'll pummel them.
Yeah, i'll kill you.
Helga pataki.
That would be such a good Listener Tales costume, Helga Pataki.
Oh my god, yeah.
Storing that in my vault.
In the vault.
Yep, in the vault.
Go listen to the rewatcher.
All right, please listen to it.
It's unhinged and hilarious.
Please!
Let me start with, yes, use my name.
I will have a literal heart attack when, not if, I hear it on the pod.
Good thing both my kiddo and husband know CPR.
Like we said, no sleep scores.
Hello?
Who even said that?
It says ha ha ha.
It's actually lowercase though.
I took it as that.
Ha ha ha.
Girl.
What?
That's how I read it.
Get your butts ready because here's the smoke.
That's what it says.
Thank you for making my.
Is it because you're dressed like a little kid that you're like absolutely fucking unhinged?
Maybe you're just like it's past my bedtime.
It is past my bedtime.
It's 4.30 in the afternoon.
It is past my bedtime right now.
I got a bad sleep score.
It says THANK YOU in all capital letters.
You're welcome for making my hour-long commute way more enjoyable, but I have to not listen to the episodes I really wanna listen to, because my 13-year-old is in the car with me.
I love your podcast so much, and that's coming from someone who has been anti-podcast for years.
Anti-podcast?
Well, due to my inability to maintain focus on anything longer than 30 seconds.
Thanks ADHD.
Relatable.
My sister introduced me to you with a story from my home state, New Mexico, and now it's all I want to talk about.
No, you're all I want to talk about.
Don't even edit any of this out.
Leave this crazy shit in.
Leave it all in.
Leave it in.
Mikey just turned around and literally went She's No, you didn't.
She's just fucking crazy right now.
I'm a feral child.
Leave that in too.
That was adorable.
Did I do something bad?
Anti-podcast.
ADHD.
Introduce me to you.
New Mexico.
I can't.
And now you're all I wanna talk about.
I can't because I work with kids, but you're all my husband hears about now.
And based on the few stories that read from New Mexico.
Yes, we have a ton of flesh pedestrians chupacabras, both of which I've seen.
And tons of ghosts.
We are super haunted state.
Come visit.
Just don't whistle.
I won't.
Yeah, do you know about that?
Isn't that in the Appalachians, too?
Yeah, I think that's everywhere.
I just think whistling is...
Fucked up.
I hate whistling.
You know?
I'm not somebody who really whistles.
Drew loves to whistle.
I love to whistle actually.
I don't like whistling.
I had a boss that had a whistle.
It was like, it sounds really awful, but it was like necessary.
If, like we were in another, if I was in another part of a salon, he had to whistle to get my attention.
But now when I whistle, I'm like, what?
Like when I hear a whistle.
I love to whistle, but I won't do it in the Appalachians or in New Mexico.
Do you know I don't even know if I've ever heard you whistle?
No, I'm not calling you out saying you don't whistle.
That was a good whistle.
I can do an out whistle or an in whistle.
Oh, see, I can only do an in whistle.
But out?
My out is way better.
My in is the only one that works.
That's the only one I got.
That's all I got.
I got one whistle.
I got one whistle.
And that's it.
Ash, Geminis are always the center of attention, so shoulder shrug.
Heck and shame.
Oh, well, for everyone else, we're the coolest.
Yeah, we fucking are.
That's right.
Whatever.
Alina, I'm also very short.
Good job.
Five foot and proud.
Good job.
Says the Capricorn.
Five foot and proud.
And if I ever get tired of teaching, currently I'm teaching fifth grade and I'm a CPR instructor.
I want to go to school for mortuary sciences.
All right.
You're pretty fucking cool.
See?
All right.
You're pretty fucking cool.
That's a win for both of us.
Anyways, I've included a 14-point double-spaced poteful, a picture of my sons on Halloween and a picture of my family when I was a baby.
And she's also supportive and amazing.
But she isn't going to be part of this story.
Will she be part of the next one?
Maybe my mom was special.
And I don't mean that as in she's my mommy.
So of course she is special, but she had an electric quality to her.
She had this radiating energy that people felt.
She drew people towards her.
Which was extra funny because she rebuilt computers for low-income kids in her free time.
This was the late 90s, so no need to worry much about the internet.
Ba-ding, ba-ding, eee, eee, eee, eee, eee.
I knew exactly what that was.
Oh, my God.
And nachos are age difference because that's literally the reason I made you read this.
Ba-ding, ba-ding.
Eh.
It would do this, like before it started.
I know what you're talking about now.
When I first read this, I was like, I don't know what that means, but I know Elena will.
So that's why I forced you to read the first one.
I knew immediately.
See, we are one.
We are one.
Also, I don't, wait, I don't know your name.
Rose.
Rose, such a pretty name.
Oh, Rose.
But that's a beautiful name.
Rose, I freaking love you.
Technically down, I guess.
I freaking love you.
All right, Rose.
Another important fact about her electric quality was that anytime she left the house after dark, the streetlights would turn off.
Another important fact about her electric quality was that any time she left the house after dark, the streetlights would turn off when she drove under them and then turn back on once she had passed.
She was interdimensional.
Fuck yeah, she was.
And while it may seem random, my mom's favorite jeans had a strip of piano key fabric down the side of one leg.
We have no pictures of my mom in these pants.
Remember this.
I'm interested.
You've hooked me.
You got me with the piano pants, I gotta tell you.
You've hooked me with those piano pants and the streetlights.
Yeah, the streetlights, I mean.
Yeah.
And the interdimensional.
And the interdimensional.
You just really got me.
Rose, you got me.
You got me, Rose.
Yeah.
She was also followed by number 23 to be specific.
She was born on the 23rd, died on the 23rd, had two tens and three ones in her wallet when she died.
Her social added up to 23 and she found some mathematical equation to make her name.
Belen add up to 23.
Isn't that crazy?
That's crazy.
That's also a cool name.
Yeah.
I will try to make it short, but I know you won't care.
We don't.
This starts when my mom was a kid, so I don't remember every detail I was told, but I remember enough to still get the chills when I think about it.
I almost burped.
I'm sorry, everybody.
That would have been horrible.
My mom grew up in a very haunted house in downtown Santa Fe, New Mexico.
We found out that the woman who had originally owned the home murdered her two children and hung their bodies on the porch.
Yeah.
Before killing herself after she learned her husband had died in war.
That's like hella tragic.
That's fucked up.
It's really fucked up.
Like in the afterlife.
Oh, that's so cool, fucking spooky.
We don't know exactly where the girl was killed, but my mom slept in her room for years.
My mom would have a dream of a man chained in her closet.
Ew, My mom would wake up in her dream to his moans and she would get out of bed, feed him, bathe him and keep him company until morning when it was time to really wake up.
Huh.
That's something.
Where are you looking?
Anywhere but there.
Anywhere.
Anywhere but there.
What the fuck?
That's wild.
Okay.
My mom never told me if she asked why he was chained up.
That's valid.
She didn't need to know.
She never really felt threatened by him.
I'm going to be honest with you.
My first question to him would be, how'd you find yourself in this predicament, sir?
Yeah, you've got to ask the hard-hitting questions.
You've got to.
Those are important questions.
She didn't feel threatened, though.
She said during these years she was exhausted and felt like she was actually awake during these dreams.
After years of caring for him, he asked my mom if she could unlock the chains.
Because he had earned her trust.
She did.
In turn.
He locked her in the chains.
Fuck.
And until she had moved out of the house, she would wake up in her dream to the sound of her own moans and chained in the closet.
So she would wake up chained in the closet.
Kind of, but not.
And also in her bed hearing herself in the closet.
I hate that.
Here's the thing.
If you wake up to a man chained in your closet moaning... Call the police.
First.
First ask him...
Sir, how did you find yourself in this predicament?
Well, that's actually secondly after you call the police.
This feels like a pickle, sir.
How'd you get into it?
Yeah.
And then go from there.
Yeah.
Go from there.
After, you know, you call the police.
Call the authorities.
Every time I had to go to this home, I couldn't sleep.
I fucking wonder why.
Thankfully, my grandma sold it long before I stopped talking to her for offering me 500 to get an abortion.
That's fucked up.
Damn.
I am not anti-abortion, but I am anti-let me tell you what to do, which is all my grandmother does.
Tell your grandma to foff.
It's true.
Anywho, weird things for my mom didn't end there.
She had seen numerous ghosts throughout her lifetime, but the chain man still gives me chills.
Yeah, me too.
Yeah.
My mom was diagnosed with breast cancer when I was in sixth grade.
Oh.
That's awful.
I'm sorry.
Went into remission and then diagnosed with bone cancer on my first day of freshman year, in August of 2003.
Which also 2003.
Yeah.
Two and three.
She had to stop working and became miserable even though she hid it from my sisters and I.
Literally exact same.
Really girly.
When they were on their way back with a pit stop in L.A. because that's where my aunt lived.
I wonder if that's LA or Louisiana.
I don't know.
I don't know.
Probably L.A. because that's on the way back from Hawaii.
My mom took a fall on the plane and had to be rushed to the ER.
They found that the cancer had spread to her brain.
My grandmother flew me out to L.A. to say goodbye.
That's so sad.
That's so sad.
During the time I was there, my mom slowly became less and less aware as her body deteriorated and shut down.
During this time, she said she could see a gold light coming from the other side of the wall.
She felt its warmth and she wanted to get closer to the person the light was radiated from.
She also kept talking to the empty chairs.
She would say things to them as if she could see all her children as babies, sitting there, bathing in the gold light and waiting for her to make her journey to the other side.
I have such like, not even chills, like the warm.
Yeah.
Isn't it crazy?
You follow those nurses on TikTok, like hospice nurses, and they all say the same things.
They're such a progression of when somebody is dying and, like everybody, like across the board, talks to things that you can't see in the room.
Yeah, like people that aren't there.
But it's like They're clearly having actual conversations.
Yes.
And it's like across the board.
Yeah.
And a lot of times it's like people who have died.
Oh, yeah.
It's weird.
There's something.
There's something.
The very last time she was lucid, she looked at me and said, I love you, sweetie.
She passed away a few hours later.
I was 14.
That's also... First of all, I'm so sorry that you lost your mom at such a young age.
And that's also the crazy part of when people pass is they'll go into these moments where, like Lucid,
Completely lucid.
They're completely lucid after just being... somewhere else entirely.
No, that's so true.
It's so crazy.
When I was 16, I had one of my best friends, Xtina, read Christina, spend the night.
We had decided to invite another one of our friends because she was a little depressed and we wanted to be there for her.
Let's call her Luna.
Aw.
That's a cool name.
I like that name.
We were hanging out in my room listening to music, eating snacks and giggling over boys.
Those were the days.
Luna got the sudden urge to go out to the kitchen and get some water.
She said it had to be in a glass and it had to be from the fridge.
We love a girl who knows what she wants.
Hydration is important.
When she came back and she didn't have water and her face was white, she said there's a woman in the living room who wanted to see me.
I'd be like, what?
I'd be like, that's a no for me.
We walked out there cautiously, because the only other person home was my dad, and he had been asleep for hours at this point.
We walked into the empty living room and Luna then realizes that she is looking at the ghost of my mother.
She said, her long brown hair was resting on the chair she was sitting in and her jeans had piano keys on them.
Because remember, there was no picture with the piano key jeans.
Yeah, so that was such a specific detail.
I immediately started crying as Luna repeats the words, I have held dear and close to my heart.
I love you, sweetie.
She then says, look for the number.
Oh, fuck.
Luna becomes quiet as I softly sob.
It was probably actually a loud, ugly cry.
After a few minutes, Luna then looks around and asks why we're in the living room.
We tell her everything that happened and she is...
That's fucking crazy.
Oh, fuck.
Wow, had a 23 on their license plate.
My goosebumps will not go away now every time i have big news passing my ged tests, getting divorced from my very first, my first son's dad, getting married to my current husband, getting pregnant again, graduating college, becoming a teacher i'm What about us?
I know.
Okay, accomplishments, mama.
I see 23 constantly.
This has also happened when I have had big bad news.
My father died of liver failure in 2015.
I'm sorry.
When we got his ashes back, his ashes tag was 5873.
Five plus eight plus seven plus three is?
You guessed it, 23.
Is this my mother telling me that she's there and still supporting me from the afterlife?
Yes, it is.
Oh, I got to chill.
Wow.
Wow.
If I'm driving and feeling nervous because it's a big DUI party night or something just feels off street lights will turn off.
The night that street lights don't turn off, I will not, cannot keep driving.
And numerous times there have been near fatal or near fatal accidents near a route I would have been driving.
That's crazy.
I have numerous small stories like this and thank my mother every single time.
My kids have both giggled uncontrollably at her photos, like they play with her often and know she was a big goofball and only wanted people to be happy.
I guess I will end this now by saying keep it weird, but not so weird that you're a creepy ghost man in chains in a young girl's closet.
Earn her trust. and then lock her in the chains when she frees you.
But also do keep it so weird that you send your children signs as a ghost and make your grandbabies laugh uncontrollably, even though you never got to meet them.
Gross.
That's a crazy and beautiful story, Rose.
That was unbelievable.
That was terrifying.
Terrifying and really beautiful.
And touching, yeah.
I loved it.
That hit like every... Damn.
Every one.
That hit every bone in my bod.
All of them.
Rose.
That hit all of my body that is just made of bones.
I loved it.
All right.
My next one is Listener Tale.
That time that I pissed on a rapist MacBook Pro.
I'm in.
I'm obsessed.
I'm in.
Good afternoon, spooky sisters.
Good afternoon.
Literally perfect because it is afternoon.
It is.
Please find my double-spaced...
14 point putt-a-fuh attached.
I adore y'all and hope you enjoy this tale.
Please pick me, dub-dub.
She did.
She did.
Hello, my lovely witches.
My name is Sam and my pronouns are she, her, and hers.
Thank you.
Sam!
Hello, Sam.
You can use my name because there are a billion Sams out there.
You can use the other names in this story, because one of them also has a super common name, like mine.
I actually married someone with the same name as his.
Haha.
I am a longtime listener, maybe like three years.
I don't know.
But I was with y'all underwater, if you know what I mean.
Hell yeah.
That's a true blue.
Yeah.
I'm writing from Elena's favorite place in the world, Nola.
Nola.
We love to hear it.
Nolans.
Here comes the gushy mushy love.
I truly adore y'all.
Elena, I read your book in like two days.
Oh, thank you.
It was so incredible.
The twist.
The twist.
I was mind blown emoji.
Oh, I love it.
Same.
That's a great fucking twist.
I'm just really proud of you and so happy you get to influence so many people with your badassery.
Aw, thank you.
You so sweet.
That's really nice.
Ash, congrats on your engagement i got.
That's so funny because it's actually almost my two-year anniversary.
It's like a couple days away.
Um, i got married a little over a year ago now and my best piece of advice is to try to not be super stressed out all day.
Once the actual day comes, there will very Mm-hmm.
That was really nice.
That was so nice.
And you know what they did?
There was very minimal things that went wrong, but when they did I was like I just want to marry Drew.
Yeah.
That was your best advice that you gave me too.
For example, it literally rained on all my guests as they waited for me to walk down the aisle.
And of course, the rain stopped just for me.
Oh, hell yeah.
I felt bad for my guests, but like, I can't control the weather.
Sorry, guys.
Anyway, time for my actual tale.
It's a bit of a mix, kind of funny at the beginning, but gets very serious and fucked up at the end.
Please do enjoy my double-spaced puttafa, and I hope y'all enjoy it.
I'm ready.
We're gonna enjoy the shit out of it.
In 2010, I started at the University of Georgia, present college football national champions.
Woo!
Sorry, I had to.
I don't know what that means, but you guys go.
I joined a sorority.
I love a sorority.
You spelled it like that, like with the uppercase, lowercase letters, which was pretty common in big Southern schools back then.
From a quick Google search, about 29% of the students at UGA join.
That's crazy.
Anywho, I got invited to go to a frat party with one of my best friends from high school, Billy.
Billy has also come out since college, which seems like an unnecessary fact but plays into the story, because I definitely felt super safe with him and we were not sexually attracted to each other.
Twas platonic.
I love it.
I go to the party, drink a ton and we go back to Billy's dorm at some point in the middle of the night.
Okay, so why didn't I go back to my own dorm?
I don't know.
Definitely wasn't trying to fuck Billy.
But I guess I just didn't want the night to end.
Definitely wasn't trying to fuck Billy.
I love it for sure.
And then...
Who knows?
Not me.
Probably because I was so fucked up that Billy wanted to make sure I was safe and he wasn't allowed to go in my dorm.
Okay.
Oh, Billy's a good guy.
He is a good guy.
Now I need to back up a bit and give y'all a little info on my dorm room.
I chose my dorm because it was one of the only dorm buildings that had their own sinks.
All of the dorms on campus had community bathrooms, but only two or three of the super small dorms had their own sinks, which was one of mine.
Dorms didn't have sinks, but they were cooler for some reason, I don't know.
So I stayed with my friends in the cool dorms fairly often, but when I did stay in my own dorm and I had to go pee in the middle of the night because I drank like a fish pretty much every fucking day of college I
I used to pee in my own sink.
Vomit emoji times a thousand.
It's very shameful to admit this as a grown woman, but I promise you everyone was doing it in college.
I hope.
I hope.
He said I hope.
He said I hope you have shame.
I hope you're ashamed.
How dare you.
I promise you everyone was doing it in college.
We were repulsive.
We were living off four locos and ramen noodles.
We had just left our parents' houses.
For the first time in our lives, we were wild animals.
You can judge me.
Hell, I'm judging me.
Also, yeah, I had a roommate.
She hated me.
I would have hated me too.
Sorry, Kay.
And yes, this is the same thing that we brushed our teeth in.
I know.
She goes, I know, I know, I know.
I'm trash.
Okay, so now that that's over, I can get on with my story.
I woke up in the middle of the night in Billy's dorm and I really had to pee.
I'm half asleep and I'm still wasted as fuck.
So I go to Billy's roommate's desk where his open laptop was sitting and I...
And I stand up on his desk chair, turn around, pull down my pants, squat and piss all over his roommate's open laptop.
And then she goes, she goes, yup.
I did that.
I did that.
How do I know I did?
How do I know I did that?
Well, honestly, I don't.
I don't remember it at all.
Oh, my God.
I woke up the next morning to Billy's roommate, whose name is Butch shouting that one of us had spilled a drink all over his laptop.
In some form.
Yeah, maybe.
Yeah, would pay for it.
I changed into some of billy's sweats.
Shacker clothes were like a badge of honor back in the day.
So weird, I'm obsessed.
College is such a wild time.
It is.
And we left to go to the dining hall for breakfast.
The second we closed the door Billy goes Sam you peed on his laptop last night.
I was like what the fuck?
No I didn't.
And he was like dude I saw you in the middle of the night go pee on it.
And I was like what the fuck?
At this point, I had known Billy for a long ass time and I knew he wasn't lying, and I realized that that laptop unfortunately, was located in the same spot as my sink was located in my dorm.
I love that.
He's just like girl.
I saw you behind that laptop what if?
Solid ass friend though, because he was like damn sorry that we spilled a drink on that.
And then, as soon as the door closes, he's like yo, I saw you piss on that laptop.
He's like hey bitch, what were you doing?
Okay, so now I need to figure out how to pay for this piss computer as a broke college kid who can't tell her single mom that she was blackout drunk and pissed on a 2000 computer.
So I tell Butch that I'm sorry I spilled a drink on his computer and I was going to have to try to find random jobs to pay him back for it.
We just feel like i didn't do it.
Yeah, i'd be like i don't know what you're talking about.
That's your fucking laptop and your fucking problem.
He agrees and goes and gets a rental laptop.
Well, let's just say, waiting tables at the local watering hole with super creepy old men wasn't making that two thousand dollars happen very quickly.
Honestly, I had only saved up a few hundred dollars before I get a call from the dean of something important as fuck from UGA, telling me if I didn't pay this guy back in some super short ass amount of time, that he would be pressing charges that may lead to my expulsion.
Oh, what? a piece of shit.
It's also like for spilling a drink quote unquote.
Like come on.
Sure, you pissed on the laptop, but he didn't know that.
He didn't know that.
Although maybe he figured it out and then that's when he was like, I'm going to press charges.
Yeah.
What the fuck?
Turns out that Butch's dad was some super entitled asshole who literally thinks that he can do anything to anyone.
So I cried a ton and I called my mom and i had to tell her everything.
She lended me two thousand dollars and i try to give it to butch, and then this asshole has the audacity to tell me i also have to pay for his rental laptop.
Oh, fuck that.
Yeah, fuck that.
A whole, a whole bunch.
Okay y'all, I know that's fair.
No, fuck that.
No, it's not.
It was super, super hard for my mom to even find $2,000.
And I knew that Butch's family was rich as fuck, so it just felt icky.
It is icky.
It is.
Fuck them.
I called my mom back.
I got another 800 or something for the rental laptop and I finally paid back Butch for the water damage.
Water damage.
Hey, maybe you were really hydrated.
It was probably a lot of water.
Well, actually, you weren't.
Never mind.
I go on with my life.
I eventually pay my mom back and all is good.
About a year later, I move out of the dorms and into the sort.
I'm moving.
Did you say I'm moving?
Where are you going?
Nicholas, where are you going?
Don't go to Georgia.
This gal might piss on your laptop.
Don't leave me.
If you have one.
Let me know where you're going.
You guys really bonded, huh?
We did.
It's crazy.
All right.
So, uh, fast forward, I moved out of the dorms into the sorority house.
I get a call from Billy and I was like, what the fuck?
We don't call.
We text.
Calling is like super cringe.
Honestly.
Yeah, it is.
Don't call me.
So I either thought that one of our high school friends had died or something, or that Billy was just butt dialing me.
But I picked up.
Billy.
Sam.
Butch got arrested for raping a girl.
Holy shit.
Me.
Huh?
Billy.
Check your phone.
Me.
Opens article to the...
News story.
I'm vomiting.
Not actually, but my body was convulsing and my heart was racing.
For those who can't see this article, Butch is shown with bloody claw marks all over his face.
He attacked a girl and attempted to rape her on a sidewalk at 2.30am on a Monday.
Oh my god.
And then, trying to flee the police, dove butt-ass naked into a lake to try to get away.
What a fucking vile piece of garbage.
Fuck that guy.
He didn't get away.
I love that she just wrote, he didn't.
He didn't, by the way.
He didn't get away.
The part that infuriates me beyond belief is that because his dad is super rich and has friends with connections or something, Butch only had to go to jail for a few years.
Oh, fuck that.
And he was let out on 10000 bond and all he had to do was serve community service and be on probation.
What?
The fuck.
What the fuck indeed.
It still fucks with me that I slept in the same room as this monster.
I'm not ignorant to the fact that a broken laptop is nothing compared to what could have happened.
To conclude, fuck you, butch.
That wasn't a spilled drink.
That was my piss.
Hell yeah.
Like I pissed on your laptop.
I pissed on your laptop.
Fuck that.
I love y'all so much and I hope y'all keep it weird, but not so weird, that you use your sink as a toilet because you're a lazy piece of trash.
P.S.
Let me know if you want to hear the story about how I saw my first not in a cadaver lab dead body the night before my wedding of course yes would you even have to ask yeah come on pps here's a cute picture of me and my will during our second line at our wedding in nola and of course a pic of our cute little papa puppy coda on our wedding day i know nicholas was like i know i know your dog kuda it's been so great i love your wedding i love your wedding holy shit sam that was such a good story i am Wow.
Sam, yeah, the universe just knew that you should have pissed on that guy's laptop.
I can't believe you pissed in your sink, girl, but, you know, we've all done some gross shit.
Yeah, I had no idea that pissing in the sink was such a common occurrence.
I was a trash human for a really, really long time, and I never pissed in the sink.
Damn.
I pissed outdoors.
She really just called you out.
Yeah, I'm sorry.
I didn't mean that.
She said me.
I was a trash human, but I never was that trashy.
But like non-derogatory.
That's very Miranda Priestly.
It was.
People were like, not me.
Couldn't be me.
I wasn't that trashy.
It's actually super weird because my... I don't even know if you can see this.
I'm telling you a story.
Okay.
I don't know if you can see this on the video.
You can leave this in.
But I'm really in a place of leaving it in.
This just keeps getting lowered.
I'm trying to talk.
I'm sorry that you're sad.
You can get through to us.
Are you pushing my microphone down, though?
Because...
As I'm telling stories, it's like going lower and lower, I think.
Maybe it is Nicholas.
You trying to get our attention?
Nicholas.
What's going on, Nicholas?
Don't be sad.
We got your back, homie.
Yeah, we love you, Nicholas.
Big love.
Nicholas for life.
Okay, so that was amazing, Sam.
Now we have Listener Tale.
Hoarders Have Secrets.
Hoarders Have Secrets.
I've never seen that show on TLC.
No, that sounds like a great show, Hoarders Have Secrets.
I would watch that because I can't watch the TLC one.
It's so sad.
No, it's awful.
Yeah.
So sad.
Yeah.
Hi, you two beautiful humans.
Also, shout out to Deb Deb.
My name is Casey, and you can use it.
I like that name.
Smiley face.
I submitted this listener tale previously, but was a complete hot mess and ended up not attaching the story.
Face palm.
However, I am proud of actually writing it down and have my mother's blessing to share with the world through your podcast.
I love your show and await eagerly for each episode to drop.
It's the only thing that gets me through folding laundry in my head.
We are true best friends.
You also introduced me to buffy, although the episodes weren't coming out fast enough to keep up with me binging the series.
Sorry, not sorry.
Oh, it was so hard for me to not do that.
Oh yeah Anyways, and now we're under True Blood.
You should listen to it.
Go watch the rewatcher.
Anyways, please enjoy the attached double-spaced putt-a-fuh.
Please advise that I've also attached pictures of a real knife severed finger and proceed at your own risk in viewing.
I appreciate that.
I think it's awesome though.
I've also attached a picture of my fur baby who just turned one.
HBD fur baby.
Hello.
You can use my name.
Casey.
I can't believe you're actually reading this.
I've known you for years and I'm a big fan.
Currently planning a tattoo and commemoration.
I could not say that word of mine and your weirdness.
I love that.
Hell yeah.
Let's see it.
I haven't written any.
Let's see it.
Let's see your tattoo.
Let's see it Casey, to see the commemoration.
I want to see it.
Stop, commemorate and show us you are getting a tattoo.
I know i had it, but it was finished.
You know i had a bad sleep score.
I'm being so mean to Alina.
Everyone thinks that I'm mean.
I can be a little keen.
She's being very Miranda Priestly today.
I'm channeling the energy.
And you were.
You're method acting.
I haven't written anything in years as I am a college dropout and it's not required at my job.
I get it.
So please allow some grace in the grammar and run on sentences.
Also, this story is still developing.
So this is as it stands now, and my mom has overcome so much mental turbulence from them and her childhood abuse.
Oh, I'm happy that she's overcome it, but I'm sorry that she experienced it.
Damn.
Good for them.
Yeah kids, they already had that included.
My mom, her childhood was rough for many reasons.
Wait, i'm so sorry.
Is that 13 kids?
That's a lot of kids.
Yeah Yeah, I just did quick math.
Look at me.
Whoa.
Her childhood was rough for many reasons, including she was the only girl of all boys and my grandma had an addiction to hoarding.
I am talking like TLC series level of hoarding.
Let us fast forward to a couple of years ago, and my grandma's health was rapidly declining.
I'm only going to spare some of the details as I don't want to steal from the true point of this story.
But with her needing a lot of assistance and the condition of the house was in, my mom opted to put her in a care facility.
With her out of the house, my grandpa's health was also not the best.
Having four of my special needs uncles in the house, he also needed a lot of assistance.
That's a lot.
That is.
My mom's sister and I took on the responsibility of taking dinners down, taking them to appointments, and even started shoveling the garbage out that had overtaken the house.
Oh, that's awful.
Couldn't do it on his own anymore.
And after my grandma passed away, he went to the assisted living facility as well.
That's like so sad, but I'm also so glad that he got to live in like a clean place at the end of his life.
With everyone out of the house.
We began work on cleaning out the house to figure out if it was even possible to sell or if it would have to demolish it and sell the land.
Let me tell you.
It was not for the screamish.
For years my mom tried to give us a relationship with my grandparents and we would often go down to visit, even if we had to stand by the front door because there was nowhere else to go.
Oh, wow.
I thought I had built up a tolerance for the smell and disaster.
However, there were parts of that house that not even my mom had seen in 30 years.
Oh my god.
A lot can get buried in that amount of time.
It took 17 dumpsters of garbage to get through the first three rooms, and that is just what my family was able to accomplish.
Animal trigger warning.
We did find several dead cats and lots of rats.
That always happens on that TLC show, and that's a big part of why I can't watch it.
One room was filled from floor to ceiling with clothes mixed with human feces.
Oh, man.
Don't mean to overshare and gross you out.
Just trying to convey the nastiness that was there and the condition in which they were living in.
It's static.
It's a mental illness.
It is.
We ended up being so overwhelmed, emotionally and physically, by the job that my mom and her oldest brother made the decision to sell the house as is.
Some very talented and determined DIYers bought it and picked up where we left off.
Wow.
That's remarkable.
Wow. do that.
I didn't know that either.
Where does the true crime start in all this you may ask?
I'm asking.
Now here's the part of the story that we're all here for.
While they were in the middle of renovating in the cold storage basement that nobody had accessed in years, they found a freaking severed finger.
Pictures are attached if you can handle it.
What?
Girl, I can handle it.
We know you can.
I just got to see it.
We know you can.
It was preserved pretty well from my non-medical opinion in a small glass jar.
Preserved?
And in a jar.
Hello?
After taking pictures and reporting it to the police.
Small town, so likely nothing will come of this.
We promptly went to visit my grandpa to see what the hell he knew about this.
He told us that he had seen it before, but he didn't know what to do with it, so he just put it back and didn't say anything to anyone.
Grandpa, i'm tired of this grandpa, i'm tired of this grandpa.
And he said well, that's too damn bad, that's my severed finger.
It's not.
Wow, that's the problem, it's not his severed finger.
He then refused to talk about it any further.
What?
My grandpa was a more quiet person and was definitely not the dominant personality in my grandparents marriage.
When we were getting stories for my grandma's funeral, her sister mentioned several times that he would just go along with whatever plan or manipulation she had going at the time.
Yikes, Was he afraid of my grandma.
I now find myself asking.
Turns out it wasn't the first off-color thing to happen in that house.
Oh, man.
As I mentioned earlier, my grandparents fostered many special needs kids and adults.
Hold on to your butts.
One of the little girls went missing shortly after arriving in their custody.
Oh.
My mom was younger so she doesn't know if she just ran away or something else happened.
In fact the girls family would drive by my grandparents house when they were outside on the porch and stare them down.
The family was convinced that they did something to her, even though there was nothing to suggest foul play.
But because it was the 80s, nothing was really done about it to find out either way.
Was that the kid's finger?
Is it a kid's finger?
Actually, it's probably not.
Looks more like an adult size.
I literally was reading along with you, but I didn't even see the next part, I swear.
Was it a kid's finger?
The way you just answered.
Actually, it's probably not.
Looks more like an adult size, but still.
Someone, apparently me, is the only one asking these things.
Oh, sure.
Aww.
Aww.
Yes.
I know this isn't the most exciting.
Babe pause, right there babe, we know a lot of we.
No no, here's the thing we don't know a lot of things, but one thing is for sure your grandparents are criminals, and that's the name of this episode.
Listener tales your grandparents are criminals, Absolutely.
What the fuck?
I don't know.
Are my grandparents criminals?
Yes.
I know this isn't the most exciting listener tale you've gotten.
Oh! up there.
But I finally had something to contribute.
It was also fun to write this down as it became a good party anecdote, which is how it got the name The Lone Phalange.
The Lone Phalange.
The Lone Phalange.
I like phalange better.
It's a little French.
Thanks for letting me share.
You betcha.
Keep it weird, but not so weird, that you had a severed finger in your cold storage and not tell anyone about it.
Also don't keep it so weird that your foster kid runs away and nobody cares.
And don't keep it so weird that you have a hoarder house that could be full of other possible human body parts.
Bye.
That was heavy, babe.
That was heavy, babe.
I look over and you're just like.
I'm just lost in thought.
Lost in the sauce.
That's some other mother shit.
That is what that is.
That is some other mother shit.
That's some other mother shit.
That was fucking crazy.
Like, damn.
That's wild.
Hopefully your grandparents are criminals.
Yeah, your grandparents are criminals, Ben.
Holy shit.
Ben.
Hopefully.
I've been watching so many of Ryan Lill's TikToks lately.
Ryan Lill is one of the funniest humans.
On the planet.
And also one of the sweetest humans.
All of the above.
If you don't follow Ryan Lill, get out of here.
Ryan Lill Washington.
Follow him on everything.
Follow him, bye.
Get his books, Into the Pines.
Oh, so good.
Our quotes are on them.
That's true.
All right.
For Listener Tale, not all ghosts are evil.
Agreed.
Yeah.
Yeah.
Right, Nicholas?
Right.
Hello, weird and wonderful ladies.
First of all, thank you for your captivating content.
You're welcome.
And for your equally captivating and often hilarious personalities.
You are great.
Thank you.
I don't listen to a lot of podcasts, only to you and Mr. Ballin.
We love Mr. Ballin.
Mr. Ballin.
We're network brothers now.
He just came over to Sirius.
Yeah, from Wondery.
Came to the good place.
Stumbling across one of your listener tales was what got me hooked.
My name is Mark.
Feel free to use it in any other names mentioned in this tale.
Mark!
Mark!
I am 65 years old and I no longer give a shit about what people think.
Mark, I literally love you.
Mark, I turned 65 today and I also don't care what people think.
She also doesn't give a shit.
That's great.
If you're not watching this, that's so confusing for you.
It's true.
Trust me, it makes sense.
Mark, I love you.
All right.
So, okay, on with my tale.
I would truly like your point of view as to if the spirits in this tale are evil or if they're trying to be protective.
So this story is 100% true.
I know because it happened to my wife, my son, and myself back in 1917.
Hell yeah.
We will call this moved in, moved out two days later.
Okay.
In March of 1975, my wife Angela and I were expecting our firstborn and, in expectation of his arrival, had just purchased our first home.
Oh.
That's beautiful.
Congrats. retroactively.
Yeah.
Mark.
Mark.
Seriously.
Never change.
After his birth, I gathered a few friends and moved all our crap over to our new home.
This took all day and I didn't have time to set everything up.
So I put a mattress on the floor in the bedroom and set our son's crib next to it.
The rest of the stuff was piled against the walls and sliding glass doors, which is important later in the story.
Angela and Johnny were released from the hospital that evening.
So I locked up the house and went to pick them up, then stopped for dinner with our friends Scott and Debbie.
Ooh.
Ooh.
Angie put our son to sleep in his crib and the four of us adults visited and drank a few brews until around 11pm when Scott and Debbie headed home.
I locked the front doors, two locks, handle and bolt, and we went to bed.
As newborns do, our son woke up at around 2am screaming to be fed.
Before I could get up to get him, I felt movement on my wife's side of the bed and heard my son quiet down.
Assuming my wife had handled the situation, I went back to sleep.
It makes an ass out of you and me.
It does.
It does. a cup, and turned to go into the living room to sit and drink my coffee.
That's when I noticed it.
Baby powder.
Splotches of baby powder were going from the coffee pot through the kitchen, out the living room beyond the still locked front door and into the driveway.
I checked through the house and all the doors and windows were still locked.
It was strange to say the least.
Yeah, but not beyond the type of prank that my friends would pull.
So you're thinking maybe this is your friends.
I didn't let it get to me until later that evening.
That evening, Scott, Debbie, and two other friends all met up for dinner.
As we were sitting having a casual conversation as we ate, I asked Scott if he was in on the baby powder prank.
His response was, Baby powder?
What are you talking about?
That told me he was not in on it.
Oh no.
I proceeded to tell him about it and he couldn't figure out how it was done either.
But it was a few minutes later that sent chills down my spine and made me question my sanity.
I was stunned speechless.
What?
How do I handle this?
Do I tell her that I didn't get up and take care of our son let alone put him in bed beside her?
She would freak out and think that I was lying or fucking with her.
So I just sat there nodding my head in stunned silence.
Honestly that's probably smart in that situation.
Yeah, because she's literally like a brand new mom.
In front of people, you're just like, yeah, you know?
And in front of people, yeah.
So we returned home around 9 that night and found nothing out of the ordinary.
Doors and windows still locked.
Our bed frame and box spring leaned securely against the sliding glass door leading to our carport.
So I didn't worry too much about the strange things that had happened, telling myself that there was a logical explanation for it.
It's important at this point to inject the fact that we had, earlier that day, unpacked a lot of our belongings and had put up shelves and pictures in the living room and the bedroom.
One of the shelves I had installed was above Johnny's crib and held an array of bedtime storybooks and stuffed animals, toys etc.
The installed shelves in the living room held our collection of fantasy figures, crystal dragons, carved wood wizards, and various Dungeons & Dragons game equipment.
You guys sound awesome, truly okay on to what caused us to move out the next day and put the house back on the market.
I forgot it's like two days.
I forgot that.
That was it too.
Angie put our son to bed and her and i snuggled on the couch and watched a movie before going to bed.
I slept hard that night.
Didn't hear our son wake up for his 2am feeding or his diaper changes.
I woke early about 5am and got up to make coffee and surprise my wife with breakfast in bed.
Mark!
A good man.
I noticed upon getting up that our son was sound asleep, snuggled against his mother.
I saw no baby powder this morning.
However, the coffee was already brewed and mine and Angie's coffee cups were set beside the coffee maker, along with the sugar bowl and the creamer.
I chose to ignore this and I just made breakfast.
Biscuits and gravy, eggs, ham, and English muffins with butter and jam.
Holy shit, Mark.
Angie is a lucky lady.
I fucking love biscuits and gravy.
I placed Angie's breakfast on a tray with a cup of coffee prepared to her taste.
Listen to this, i mean mark a dream mark forever.
I picked up the tray and i turned to go to the bedroom and almost dropped the tray because on the floor, not more than three feet away from me, sat a single red long stem rose in the center of a ring of you guessed it Baby powder.
What?
What the fuck?
But, like, this is so nice.
It's all so lovely.
It's so nice.
Like, is this ghost making you coffee in the morning?
Because, like no, he literally, he or she literally is that's.
And they also tended to your baby in the night, perhaps twice.
This is a plus behavior, to be honest, but also is it being nice to like, lure you into a sense of trust.
I know, I don't trust it.
Yeah, I don't know.
I know that there was no one else in the house and Angie and Johnny were still sound asleep.
So I squatted down and picked up the rose, placing it on the tray and mumbling a thank you under my breath to whoever provided it.
I love that he's just like, thanks.
He's like, yeah, we'll go with this.
Yeah, appreciate it.
And I love that they were just like, here, babe, add this to the tray.
You need this.
This is the...
Yes, there was a stone.
Yeah, of course.
I love that.
So I took the tray into Angie, woke her up with a kiss and gave her the tray.
Being very careful not to wake Johnny, I picked him up and put him back in the crib.
I gave Angie a good morning kiss and went to get my breakfast.
And as I entered the kitchen...
I noticed that the circle of baby powder was gone, with no sign of it ever existing.
What the fuck?
That's insane.
So, here we go.
I put the dishes in the sink and rinsed them.
Then I unlocked the front door.
That's when I heard Angie's bewildered call for me.
I went into the room and I saw Angie holding Johnny tight to her and staring at the crib.
I turned my gaze from Angie to the crib and what I witnessed was was, as a new parent, terrifying.
In the center of the crib, exactly where my son had been moments ago, was stacked all of our books, not just the bedtime stories, but dungeons and dragons books as well.
Oh, my god.
What the fuck?
While Angie and Johnny stayed inside with Debbie Scott and I returned to the house to get a few needed items and lock up.
When we entered the bedroom to grab the diaper bag and bottles, we noticed that the shelf was torn from the wall.
And was in the crib as well.
And the bottom of it had collapsed and was on the floor.
I have goosebumps all down my arms and legs right now.
What's so weird is that we're like, wow, this is like really nice.
And then we're like, I don't trust it though.
And then it got so dark.
What the fuck?
Oh, I don't like this at all.
Scott and I just looked at each other, grabbed what we needed and left quickly, almost forgetting to lock up.
If our son had been in the crib, he would have been crushed.
I didn't know until later that night.
The night before, neither Angie or I had gotten up and put Johnny in bed with us or had gotten him his bottle, which was on the bed when Scott and I had returned.
What the fuck?
It almost feels like there's like two energies at play here.
Like one of them was trying to get him out of the crib.
Yeah.
Because that was not a safe place.
Yeah.
Damn.
What the fuck?
Yeah.
We didn't go back to the house and we put it on the market that same day.
So that's my tale.
What do you think?
There's no doubt that there was a spirit in that house.
But was it potentially harmful or was it a protective spirit?
You decide.
I think there was two.
I think there was two.
At least.
I think.
Yeah.
I think there was two, or I think there was one.
That was, like I said earlier, like trying to lure you into a sense of trust and calm and then like fucked with you for whatever reason.
But I think like they're moving the baby.
So it's like, I don't, I think there was two.
I think one was trying to cause damage.
Yeah.
Ugh.
Damn.
Damn.
Okay, so thank you so much for reading my tale and stay weird, but not so weird, that a ghost prepares your coffee for you and then moves your child, only to nearly crush him, and spreads baby powder all over your house.
Looking forward to future podcasts full of your unique outlook and humor.
Keep up the great work.
A loyal listener and fellow weirdo.
Mark, PO.
I apologize.
Yeah, thank you.
I apologize for the long story.
Never.
Please don't.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I stopped, introduced myself and explained that many years ago I had purchased that house and explained to the couple what we had experienced and I was curious if they had any similar experiences in the house.
The young woman chuckled and said, fucking Mabel.
Hello?
Tell me about Mabel.
I was dumbfounded.
She went on to say that Mabel had been a huge help over the five years that they lived there.
That more than once she kept them safe from everything from a fire in the basement to a break-in.
It seems I may have jumped the gun on moving out.
Mabel, they had discovered had been a young single mother who was the original owner of the house and had passed away in the late 50s in a car accident.
Her newborn child had survived the accident and was raised by her grandparents.
And get ready for it.
The young woman who was living in the house, that was her grandmother.
Holy shit.
Yup.
Her mother's mother was, in fact, the very spirit that, to this day, takes care of their family and keeps them safe.
I love this.
They intend on never moving and will pass the house on to their daughter when she's old enough.
And Mabel will take care of her.
That was the most beautiful place to end that listener tale, Mark.
Mark, you just gave me full chills.
Yeah, that's a beautiful story.
So it was, it was just one energy who was like, I don't know, Mark.
Or maybe you messed like a weird little...
Yucky energy that Mabel was trying to get rid of.
Yeah, maybe that's what it was.
I was about to tell you, you just messed up when you installed the shelves.
Yeah, maybe.
Shelves are hard.
Shelves are hard.
Wow, guys, that was a solid ass batch of listener tales.
That was a really solid batch of listener tales.
We had the mom turning off the street lights.
We had a peeing on a rapist computer hell yeah, we had fucking mark out here making ghost breakfast.
We had chained up men in closets.
Chained up men in closets like what the fuck?
Yeah, that was, that was a good one.
We missed one.
Oh, we had severed fingers.
I think my, that was my trauma of that story.
Just like, protecting me, you were like, forget about that.
I was like I don't remember.
No, we had severed fingers.
Yeah, we had severed fingers.
Those were great.
Yeah, I love them.
You guys rock.
You rock out loud.
We got Mark, we got Sam.
We got Rose Casey, we got, and Casey Rose, boom.
You guys rock out loud.
We love you.
And we hope you keep listening.
And we hope you keep it weird.
But not so weird that you don't send your listener tales into morbidpodcast.gmail.com.
Please make them a putt-a-fuh and I don't know.
Make a snappy headline.
Keep sending them.
Subject line.
They're the best.
We love this.
We never want to run out.
And we'll see you next month with a pretty solid set of costumes.
Pretty solid.
And with that, we leave you.
Goodbye.
I'm going to rip off your wig. is anti-climactic.
