There's a phase of life where nothing is necessarily wrong, but nothing makes sense.
I've taken some notes on how this plays out.
Let's talk about it.
I noticed life doesn't translate well in conversation.
Someone says, what's new?
And my mind goes blank.
I'm like, Not much.
I mean, I'm pretty busy with all the usual stuff, but nothing stands out exactly.
Nothing feels update worthy in those moments.
Sure, I can tell you about the short story that I wrote one night purely for my own pleasure, or the really pleasant interaction that I had at the workout class and I made a new friend.
I seem to never know how to share those things.
I also find that most people, when asking what's new, aren't looking for those things.
They're looking for things that feel big enough, like switching jobs or getting engaged or being pregnant.
The question to me repeats as are you reaching any adult milestones?
Not what's been exciting you recently?
So i just say same old and skip the part where they stare at me like they don't care.
Another thing that I've noticed is this feeling of waiting to start living after something happens, after things make sense, after I feel more sure and I don't even know of what exactly.
I tell myself that this current version of life doesn't fully count yet, like it's a rough draft, like the real one starts later.
So i postpone decisions, postpone joy, postpone committing to anything.
I keep acting like this version of my life is temporary, even when it isn't, and i keep telling myself that i'll settle in once things make more sense.
Like i'm half living thinking i'll go all in later.
And that feeling like you're on standby in your own life is something that i've noticed doesn't actually go away for me.
It lingers when things are great, when things aren't.
I have felt this during extended periods of happiness and dullness as well.
It's a pattern.
And what I've understood is that it's less about what's happening around me and more about what I carry within me.
And there are parts of this that I learned to handle on my own a lot through journaling and any type of writing really.
But there are also parts of it that I've not been able to understand or resolve by myself.
And that's where therapy has been so helpful for me.
The part about postponing commitment has been an especially interesting rabbit hole for me.
And it's not always easy digging deep about yourself like that, but I'm so grateful to be supported in therapy while doing so.
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It's a weight being lifted off my shoulders and it makes me feel lighter, like i'm not alone in figuring things out.
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Another thing that I've noticed is that effort and outcome are temporarily disconnected.
Now, the only thing I miss about school is being graded, having a curriculum, knowing which book to read, when and what the next step is, and having meetings with your teacher, who told you how you're doing, where you're lacking, where you need to improve.
Like, can I just have some adult teachers in my life telling me how I'm doing?
And that's also one of the things that I miss about corporate life.
I don't know.
I don't know if I actually messed up, And I'm being responsible in my life.
You know I'm showing up doing all the adult stuff, I'm working on things, but there is no clear signal telling me whether it's paying off.
You don't know if you're behind.
You don't know if you're ahead.
You don't even know what ahead would mean right now.
There is no grade.
There is no feedback.
There is no moment when someone says, yes, you aced that.
So you oscillate between thinking you should panic and thinking you should calm down, sometimes within the same hour or 10 minutes.
The lack of confirmation is disorienting.
Another thing that I've noticed is that time feels off in a way that I can't really explain.
I don't know if this is just a good old quarter plus life crisis, but it's like the days feel full but not particularly memorable.
Weeks pass quickly, but nothing really stands out.
Nothing big is starting.
Nothing big just ended.
You're just maintaining.
I don't measure life in milestones right now.
And I don't even know which milestones would make sense for me right now or which ones I would care to have.
It doesn't feel like momentum, but it doesn't feel like stagnation either.
Some days feel long, some weeks feel short, and it all just kind of blends together.
And it's hard to tell if you're moving forward or just holding steady.
I've also noticed how decisions feel more serious than they used to.
This is probably an awareness thing, which is probably an age thing.
Even small decisions feel more serious in a way, like what I eat every day.
That is my diet.
My form of exercise is my movement, my purchases and my savings.
That's my finances.
And all of these things will affect my life and my well-being.
What I do do will have consequences.
What I don't do will have consequences.
I am the only one witnessing every decision and I'm hyper aware of that in a way that I've never been before.
Where I live, who I spend my time with, what I say yes to, what I say no to, what I initiate.
Everything feels like it might shape something that I can't see it.
Everything feels connected to some invisible long-term outcome.
I hesitate more than usual.
I spend so much time planning it in my head, the thing I wanted to do ends up feeling overwhelming instead of exciting.
I overthink it until the thing I wanted to do just feels too big and I end up resenting it.
Good were the days when mom would make the dentist appointment and I had no say in it.
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