Hi, my name is Kevin Nealon.
And I feel absolutely duped about being Conan O'Brien's friend.
Terrible thing to say. i can tell that we are gonna be friends hello and welcome to conor o'brien needs a friend it's me conor o'brien joined by son of obsession of course matt gorley how are you i'm both sona we're we're good good good wow we can't even do that part if we can't do that part what does that say for the rest of the show Well, this show in particular is going to be falling right in line with that.
Yeah, probably.
Given who's on.
Yes.
What have you been up to lately?
Where have you been?
You just came back and you look snow-kissed.
That's right.
What?
I was molested by a snowman.
I just did a quick, very quick 24-hour trip to Utah because I participated in the Sundance Film Festival.
Never did that before.
That's cool.
Because you're in a movie.
I'm in a movie.
I think it was maybe two years ago I was approached by this very talented writer-director named Mary Bronstein, and she had a script called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You.
And it's a very different movie.
And I read the script and I thought, wow, this is very powerful, very cool.
And my part is not necessarily comedic per se.
So you're acting, you're not doing a cameo as Conan O'Brien.
No, I'm not Conan O'Brien.
And so I was...
I honestly, I think I tried to talk her out of it.
It's an A24 film.
It's very prestigious, I think.
It's coming from this great company.
And Rose Byrne, who I absolutely adore, is the star.
She carries the picture, as they would say back in the day.
And it was a fascinating process to do it.
Mary did an incredible job.
I had not seen the movie before.
So I flew in with David Hopping and was walking through Park City, Utah.
It's this whole thing.
I mean, the streets are just clogged with people and film fans and I guess people knew I was coming.
So
I've never seen so many people with parkas that had Simpsons stills of me with Bart.
Oh, those guys.
Those guys.
And little knickknacks and things to sign and a pimp bot t-shirt.
I mean, I just pictured them coming over mountain passes with...
With Conan paraphernalia, but they were all very nice.
So that was strange.
And then to go in and do a red carpet and then go into the theater and sit down and watch the movie start.
I have two questions that are the same question.
Okay.
Were you nervous to do serious acting and then were you nervous to watch yourself do serious acting?
I was certainly nervous to do it.
And then I had a weird detachment.
It's very different from anything I've done before.
So, you know, everything I do is comedy, just everything.
So you know, because if you're watching it with an audience or if I'm performing it in front of an audience, the laughter is what tells you how it's going.
This is not one of those experiences.
People weren't sobbing audibly.
Yeah.
I was.
Okay.
Just because of my eye vein was so giant.
Oh, jeez.
No, I...
I think I was nervous and I took it really seriously and I didn't want to.
I mean, I'm working with Rose Byrne and she absolutely kills it in this movie.
She's spectacular.
And the reviews that she's had are amazing.
What do you play?
What's your character?
I'm a therapist.
Oh, yeah.
I don't want to say.
I don't want to say too much, but I'm a therapist for her character who's going through a lot of distress.
And I was very detached from seeing myself.
I just thought, oh, there's I don't know that guy.
Are you method?
No, I am not method.
But I mean, I just I wasn't I don't know.
I don't I felt a little detached from seeing myself.
I wasn't as interested in seeing myself as I was in what Rose Byrne is so riveting in this role.
And I know I'm biased because I'm in the movie.
But then all these reviews came out that really shone a light on her performance, which made me very happy.
Well, when can we the general public see this movie?
That's a really good question.
I think probably sometime maybe this spring.
I don't know.
And the thing is, this is also alien to me.
So I don't know anything about the movie business.
I've never aspired to be an actor.
That was never a dream of mine.
Yeah.
Why does she think of you?
Why did she think of you?
It's a she.
I mean, Mary Bronstein.
Maybe when the movie comes out, she could come in and talk about it.
I don't want to be insulting to you.
It's just you don't.
You just were.
But you're also right.
It's the exact right question.
And I think I was glad that the consensus is that I don't get in the way.
You know, the consensus is that.
I'm sure it's better than that.
But I'm really proud of what Mary Bronstein pulled off and just blown away by it.
By Rose Byrne, who could not be more humble.
At one point she excused herself and climbed over some furniture because everyone was having drinks afterwards.
All these A24 people and film people.
She was like, oh, sorry, sorry, excuse me.
Oh, pardon me.
And I was watching her and she's so humble and just hope I'm not bothering anyone.
I love her so much.
And, you know, she's very beautiful.
And then just, I think, top, top tier actor, just incredible ability.
And she walked away and I said to Mary the thing I love about her the most is that she doesn't know she's Rose Byrne.
Like no, no sense of entitlement.
No, I mean, no sense that.
And when I mean, when you try and compliment her, come on, mate, you know.
Yeah.
Is that your Australian accent?
That was it.
It was just me.
But anyway, I'm looking forward to people seeing the film and watch me.
I'll be in there a little bit.
Yeah.
I'm excited.
It's so cool.
Yeah.
It's cool you went to Sundance.
You know, I have to say I've done two things in the space of about six months that were both unusual experiences.
And this is the part of my career that I'm really enjoying, which is just trying things.
And there was this movie that I shot that's just coming out now.
But after but about six months ago or seven months ago, I did the Newport Folk Festival.
And played music and headlined it with a bunch of musicians and had one of the great experiences in my life.
And so just getting to do a few of these things that are completely outside my comfort zone are really fun.
And my tryouts for the NBA.
Oh, no.
You're an inspiration.
Really?
Yeah.
Wow.
The Spurs are looking.
It's never too late.
The Spurs are looking for a six foot four inch.
Water boy.
Yeah.
Well, I think I could do it.
I'd be a real good water boy.
Well, this will be interesting.
My guest today, he and I have, I don't know what you'd call our chemistry.
Well, I like that this intro was kind of like measured and straightforward, because what you're about to hear doesn't just go off the deep end.
It presumes there's even a bottom to it.
Yes, yes.
This gentleman and I, when we get together, I don't know what you'd call it.
It might be lethal.
I don't know.
But he's a hilarious comedian.
He's a very good friend of mine.
I adore him.
I met him when he was a cast member on Saturday Night Live.
He starred in the Showtime series Weeds.
He has a show called Hiking with Kevin, which I've done, which is really fun.
And I think that's coming to Fox Nation.
And our conversations are unique.
So I'm excited he's here.
Kevin Nealon, welcome.
I respect you.
I revere you.
You're easily one of the funniest people I've ever known.
I met you back in 1988.
First of all, do you like to be referred to as Conan or Team Coco or Coco?
I mean, how many names?
Do you have licenses for all those?
I do.
They're all licensed.
Conan, the name Conan, I licensed in 1967.
What about COB?
COB, I've got that too.
Capital letters.
Yeah.
I'm sorry, you were saying about me?
I said that you were a time waster.
In 88, 1988.
In 1988, I met you at Saturday Night Live.
You were my favorite of the performers then.
Still.
Then.
Subsequent work has proven to be a bit of a disappointment.
But I love you.
I'm going to look you in the eye and tell you that I love you.
As a friend, as a tormentor, I love you.
And I love having you on the podcast because you bring out a different side of me, an angry side, a petty side.
You are looking at me because I see for once.
Your eyes are blue and I've never known that before because you never looked at me.
I'm looking at you right now.
Well, you're blinking a lot.
Are you sending a signal?
I'm sending SOS to Sona.
Get me out of here.
You really are very blinky today.
I don't know what's going on.
I do tend to blink a lot.
Yeah.
I watch myself sometimes in TV shows.
Yeah.
And I find myself blinking a lot.
So you watch your appearances on TV shows a lot.
I can't help it.
They're that good.
I can't help it.
They're that good.
I am good, actually, except for the blinking.
So listen to me.
Yeah.
Let's get down to it.
You know what?
I've been hoping we would get down to it, and this is the time to do it.
Let me just tell you something about how you've kind of come into my life a lot unexpectedly and not
So whenever I'm about to see you, I always second guess what I'm wearing, because you commented once when I wore do you know what I'm talking about?
No.
I was at your house or I met you for lunch or something, and I had a sweater on a V-neck sweater with no t-shirt.
Which was a mistake.
You were so annoyed.
I was annoyed because I saw like a big V part of your chest.
Yeah, it's called the body.
Well, then we got a problem.
Houston, we got a problem.
Is that funny?
Remember that movie?
You watch a lot of space movies?
I do.
Let's not get off on that cul-de-sac.
Let's stick to your chest.
It bothered me.
You didn't even see my chest.
Everyone knows you wear a t-shirt and then you put a light sweater over it.
No.
I actually think it can go either way.
But what about when you're a certain vintage?
I looked you up online.
You were born March 3rd, 1931.
Now you're way off.
And you were a very important part of the Truman administration.
No one wants to see.
Here's what I don't like about the way you dress.
May I?
Oh, yeah.
You wear those thin T-shirts.
So your nipples are popping out.
And nobody wants to see Team Coco nipples.
You know what I'm saying?
I want people to know that I'm a sexual being.
How are they going to know that?
They're going to see my nipples.
If they see my nipples, they'll know.
Let me ask you this.
Do you have a favorite when it comes to nipples?
Do you like one over the other?
No.
I'm going to say I like the left one maybe a little more.
Now listen to me.
My chest.
You're on a podcast.
You have the microphone and you keep saying, now listen to me.
Because you interrupt me every time I try to talk.
Go ahead.
Go ahead.
The floor is yours, Senator.
Go ahead.
When you're finished, I'll continue what I was saying.
I'm done.
Okay.
Let's go back to the V-neck.
Sona has a V-neck on, and I don't even have any cleavage, and I'm not hiding anything.
I mean, if you take care of your body, maybe you know this.
If you take care of your body, you're not afraid to show some masculinity.
What if I wore a V-neck T-shirt under the V-neck sweater?
Does that count?
No, it doesn't, actually.
It doesn't.
That's called layering.
I don't want to see...
I didn't.
I just I wasn't prepared.
And we were eating food.
And I.
I was looking down at my chicken that had the skin on it and then looking at that part of your chest.
And I kept looking from the skin of the chicken to your chest.
And it was freaking me out a little bit.
Do you require a chicken to wear a V-neck sweater?
All right.
Okay.
T-shirt under those feathers.
I think even you know that you've gone too far.
I gotta wrap this up, man.
I gotta wrap it up.
We're not gonna wrap it up.
We're not gonna wrap it up.
Oh, time for a little sip-a-roo.
I love when you take a sip because it means you're not talking.
You don't have a straw, do you?
No, not for you.
We did that last time.
Oh, we did?
I think you... Oh, my God.
All right, man.
So how are you?
Thank you.
How are you?
I haven't seen you in a little while, and I really do enjoy my time.
We trade texts fairly often, but I really treasure when I see you because, as I say, it's an old friendship and I think we have a certain something.
We have a certain spark that excites America.
That's it?
That's all I got.
I thought there were more, but okay.
Yeah, we do.
I agree with you.
We have a close bond and we tease each other a lot, but I think we have a really close friendship.
Why'd you cover your mouth when you said that?
I scratched my upper lip.
Well, no one does that.
You're so defensive and so insecure about everything.
And I don't think anybody will argue that point with me.
I am now about the nipple thing.
I'm never wearing those shirts again.
Did you ever know anybody who had a third nipple?
No, I saw it once in a movie.
It's a James Bond movie.
Yeah, man with the golden gun.
The golden nipple, did you say?
The extra golden nipple.
What's the name of the guy?
Scaramanga?
Scaramanga.
As played by Christopher Lee.
I worked with someone once who had a tail, believe it or not.
What?
I'm not kidding around, a tail.
That's not true.
I swear to you.
When you say a tail, what do you mean?
You mean they had the coccyx, the bone, the tailbone was extended?
It was like a Doberman Pinscher tail.
What?
What are you talking about?
It's like cut off.
I don't believe that's true.
It kind of looked like that.
Oh, great.
Well, that'll help on a podcast.
Wait.
And this is, so you don't get it wrong, that's the butt.
It's more like that.
What are you doing?
What are you talking about?
You did not.
You did not.
It's a tale.
First of all, terrible drawing from actually a very talented artist.
That's the worst thing you've ever drawn.
My book is out now called I Exaggerate My Brushes With Fame.
Yes.
A lot of caricature paintings that I do.
None of you in there.
I know.
You're a friend.
You're a friend.
I guess what?
All of them, and I think I'm readily caricatured with my hair, my jawline.
There's so many things to have fun with, and you didn't do one of me.
I am so done with this topic right now.
Okay.
No, come on.
Let's just talk.
Can we talk as two adults for a change?
Let's do that.
Can you?
Let's do that.
Sona, you stay out of this.
I don't even know why she's in here.
I don't know why you need a backup like Sona.
I come in here with nobody and you've got all these people like your posse.
This is my whack pack right here.
This is my whack pack.
So I almost saw you at Sundance the other day.
Yeah, I was at Sundance hoping to promote a film that I appear in.
It's called If I Had Legs, I'd Kick You.
It's written and directed.
What's the movie called?
Incredible.
Incredible.
It stars the beautiful and very talented Rose Byrne, and it was a very fun experience.
And then you texted me that you were there, but I was leaving town.
After I got your text.
You were there for only like a couple hours, right?
Seriously, yeah, I was.
You had the car running.
I went.
I'm very busy right now.
I've got a lot of irons in the fire.
A lot of pots of stew cooking at the same time.
Do you have other projects going besides this podcast? yes, I'm hosting the Oscars.
Oh, by the way, congratulations.
I think I already texted you about that.
Yeah, you said either, well, you said, this is a quote, it will either go well or it will go badly.
Both are distinct possibilities.
That's a quote.
That's a quote.
It is true.
It's true.
It is absolutely true.
And I read that aloud.
I was laughing so hard because when someone you're very talented at this, you get on the knife's edge of absolute truth.
So I'm talking to you and you were saying, how's it going?
I'm working on this Oscars thing, but the mood in this town keeps changing.
There's a lot happening.
I'm worried about how it's going to go.
And you wrote back.
Most people would say, oh, you'll be fine.
You're a funny guy.
You'll figure it out.
You wrote back.
It will go well or it will go badly.
Period.
Both are distinct possibilities.
And true.
Yeah.
And true.
It was very true.
Because I know what you think, how you think it's going to go, because I know you so well.
Oh, yeah.
And how's that?
You tell me.
No.
It's going to go.
You think it's going to go horrible.
No, I don't think it's going to go.
Really?
It's going to go horribly.
Horribly.
Because I actually finished school.
Kevin, I love you.
I really do.
But I wish you were educated.
You're horrible.
No, I'm horribly.
You're horribly.
So, yeah, thanks for asking me.
The movie I'm executive producing at Sundance.
Yeah, yeah, tell me about that.
What's it called?
It's called Come See Me in the Good Light.
It's a story, Conan, about these two lovers.
It's poets.
Oh, and you're executive producer?
Okay, go ahead and say what you're saying, then I'll continue.
I just love that you're executive producing something about real emotions and traction.
It's just funny.
It's like... How do you know it's real emotions?
It's like if it's a laser printer wrote a love poem.
I'm sorry.
You don't have a sincere phone in your body.
You're executive producing a love story.
I can't wait to see it.
What's the name of your phone, by the way?
If I had legs, I'd kick you.
Oh, yeah, that's right up your alley.
That is so you right there.
Yeah.
Anyway, tell us about it.
Go, go, go, go.
I'll be good.
I promise.
What's the name of the movie, the doc?
It's called There Was a Time and She Was There.
Okay.
I'm going to tell it to you again.
Try to listen this time.
Pay attention.
Okay.
What is the name of your movie?
It's called Come See Me in the Good Light.
Come See Me in the Good Light.
Beautiful.
Are you writing this down?
Yep.
Come See Me in the Good Light.
It's a love story about these two poets, and one of them is diagnosed with an incurable illness.
Okay.
And it's pretty much the exploration of their life, their love, their mortality, and life's moments.
And once you see it, it'll kind of change your life.
Okay.
Maybe not your life because you don't have one bone of love or mortality.
That's not true.
Or life moments.
That's not true.
Okay.
I'm excited for this project.
Thank you.
And I'm going to repeat the title, Come See Me in the Good Light.
In the Good Light.
That's right.
It's about Andrea Gibson, the poet.
I figured.
And her lover, Megan Fowley.
Yeah, of course.
And it's directed by Ryan White.
Okay, my question.
Produced by Jessica Hargrave.
And Teg Notaro.
Oh, I love Teg Notaro.
See, I knew that when you finally- You brought up, finally, someone I really love, Teg.
Let me ask you a question.
That's why I'm here.
I'm here to let you ask me questions.
As executive producer, what did you do with this powerful and it sounds like a very powerful tragic love story?
What did you do?
It's not tragic.
It's uplifting.
Oh, okay.
You're right.
They probably gave you a note.
Don't say tragic.
No, no notes.
No notes.
I'm the one giving out the notes.
But what do you do as executive producer?
Well, I invest in it.
I support it.
I come on podcasts.
This is your money.
You put your money into it.
And I hope that I have an interviewer that is open-minded and listens.
Yeah, I did put my money into it, along with my wife, Susan Yagley.
Love your wife.
Susan's great.
You know what I'm saying?
I'm looking at two pages.
Is that anything to do with the podcast or that you're shopping list?
Two pages.
It says, Kevin Nealon, 2025 podcast research.
There is not one mention in here of your movie, and yet you're here now promoting something that is not mentioned in your research.
I find that either a huge failing on our part or negligence on your part.
Who's the guilty party?
B. It's B. I have nothing to do with it.
Okay.
No, I don't.
Does this movie even exist?
No.
I needed something to talk about when I came here, so I saw some of the films that were playing at Sundance.
No, I'm all over that thing.
I invested in it.
Okay.
And without that, it wouldn't have gotten made, unless you invested in it.
But no, you went with the kicking with the legs thing.
If I had legs, I'd kick you.
I didn't put a dime into it.
What is the name of your character in this so-called movie?
Chip Chutley.
Chip Chutley.
Yeah.
I never thought there'd be a name worse than Conan O'Brien.
And now you just told it to me.
What you said reminded me of a story.
I don't think I've told this story, but once I'm interviewing John Lovitz.
John Lovitz, your compatriot, on the Saturday Night Live and he was promoting a comedy club.
Remember when John Lovitz had a comedy club here in?
Oh, on City Walk.
On City Walk.
Yeah.
It used to be BB Kings.
Yeah.
And then he turned it into a comedy club and it had like a tropical theme.
Yeah.
But John Lovitz had this comedy club and he, in the first, he had two segments.
In the first segment he was like it's a great comedy club Conan, and everyone's got to check it out.
You've got to see it.
It's gangbusters.
And he was going on and on about the comedy club.
And then we went to commercial and the band's playing.
And he leaned over and he went, no one's coming to the club.
You've got to invest.
He said that during the commercial break.
And I'm like, what?
And he went, no, you want to come in on it?
I mean, we're sort of treading water right now, but we're going down.
And I'm like, what?
Really?
And he was like, come on.
And I said, well, I have to talk to my accountant.
And he was like, well, I talked to your accountant.
You got to come in fast because I don't know how long we can hang on for.
And then just when I get the signal, I went, hey, we're back.
And he went, oh, I got to tell you, it's going gangbusters.
Was this back in the 40s?
I swear to God, that really happened.
And every now and then something happens.
It's a Larry Sanders moment.
Tell me about yourself.
I will if you stop.
You're drawing.
You're hoping it's a picture of you.
No.
But it's not.
I didn't think it was a picture of me.
This is a picture of you.
Okay.
No.
Go ahead.
Just keep talking.
Okay.
Anyway, I enjoy talking to you.
I never quite know what's going to happen.
I'm always handed research, but it doesn't seem to line up with anything we talk about.
No, it doesn't. who would have research for Kevin Nealon.
You're promoting a movie that, I don't know if it exists or not.
Please step into the light.
By the way, I want to thank you for doing my hiking show, what, two or three times?
Yeah.
Hiking with Kevin.
Now streaming on Fox Nation.
Yeah.
It's another thing that's not mentioned in the research.
I don't know what's going on.
I don't know why there's research on you that...
You know what?
I'm not all about boasting what I do.
You like to have everything in print.
You like to direct everybody to what you're doing.
Yeah, you do a podcast.
What did you draw?
You said you were drawing me.
I've just started.
Oh, are those testicles?
What is that?
I think you're burying the lead.
You've got a dirty mind.
Oh, that's a dick.
That's a dirty mind right there.
How is this me?
How is this me in any way?
Can I finish it?
I'd rather you not finish it.
No, I'll make it bigger.
I'd like him to finish it.
Okay.
Yeah.
I think that's a portrait of old prick face Johnson.
But anyway, keep going.
Uh, you're, I don't know why we have you back.
It's always, I don't know why I come here.
You gotta go somewhere.
So, um, what were you going to say?
No, seriously.
Don't you love comedy?
Isn't it great?
There's so many different facets to it and styles.
Yes.
And somebody will ask me once they'll say, or a lot of times they'll say do you think so-and-so is funny?
You know what I'm talking about?
And I'll say, well, it's subjective.
You know, you can't say somebody's not funny if they're bringing in people and people are laughing.
I disagree.
I think you can say someone's not funny.
To you, they're not funny.
I just I'm very, I'm very.
If I think someone's really not funny, I think they're unfunny the way, the way you know.
Water is a liquid and a solid is something you can put your hand on.
I think it's speaking for everybody.
I think it's immutable when someone's really unfunny.
And then I think there's a whole gray area.
But there are some people that just know they're not funny and there's just nothing that can be done.
So it wouldn't be nice if you would stand out in front of like a venue and people are coming in to see that person you don't think is funny and just warn them and say you don't need to see this person.
I wouldn't go in if I were you.
It's a mistake.
It's a waste of time.
I wouldn't do this.
I wouldn't go see this person.
But don't you say it's like objective.
Don't you think that because what Sona thinks is funny. which is apparently everything you say.
Yeah, it's true.
She's given you a lot of good chuckles, too.
No, she makes me laugh a lot.
I love chuckling.
Yeah.
We call her a low-barm obsession.
It's true.
Sona, do you disagree with Conan about that statement?
No, I agree with him.
There are some people that just aren't funny.
No, I just... I'm an easy laugher.
But then I also, when I don't laugh, I think it stings even more probably.
Yes.
When you're not laughing, you know...
You've really shit the bed.
Well, first of all, you're both wrong.
Okay.
It's subjective.
Okay.
It is subjective.
Because I'll say something.
You know.
If you're going by this guideline like no, this is not funny, because you know this and that, but someone's laughing you're pretty much telling them that they're idiots for laughing at that.
Yeah.
I would say that to people.
They were laughing at the wrong thing.
I'd say you're a bunch of fools.
What about drama?
Yeah.
What are you doing?
This is valuable time.
Do you know how... No, I know.
A lot of people would die to be on this show.
A lot of people would give their left nut, which apparently you're drawing, to be on this podcast.
And you come here and you diddle away the hour.
Why?
Why do you do it?
First of all, diddling is not a bad thing.
Diddling is like meditating.
Yeah, that's true.
Have you ever meditated?
I'm not good at it.
I've tried, but I'm... How can you not be bad at it?
You fall out of the chair?
What happens?
No, I just... My mind wanders.
It's constantly wandering.
That's what you're supposed to do.
I get too restless.
I got to keep moving.
I got to... And then there's... You're sitting there by yourself.
You're not hearing any laughs.
And then you start to wonder, am I even alive?
And then you got to get out there and just hear the chuckles.
It's an insecurity thing.
Probably, yeah.
If I don't hear the laughter, I don't know what to do.
I get that.
Do you do a lot of meditating?
Because you seem... No, I diddle.
I'm a diddler.
Okay, well... Which also requires a chair.
When you diddle.
Okay.
Can we please just talk about something that has some meaning?
I'm doing the best I can.
I'm sitting here.
How are you?
I came all the way down here because apparently you couldn't get a guest.
We prize you as a guest.
You know that you're beloved on this show, I think.
And someone step in here, but I believe one or two of your appearances are some of the most loved on the entire podcast.
That last one.
Should we watch a clip?
Jesus.
I don't know what to do.
I'm scared.
I'm saying, go ahead.
Yeah, no, your episodes always do great when you're here.
And then the clips on YouTube and the clips on social media are some of our most popular for sure.
I'll have to start watching the show.
I'd love to see it.
Hey, you ever think that, hey, I'm at the top of my game right now?
I have moments where I think I'm in a flow state.
You know what I'm saying?
Yeah.
Where one moment's leading to the next.
Today's not my day.
I think you're having a rough time too.
But you know what's going to happen?
Never tell an audience they're getting a bad show.
Never.
Rule number one.
I say I'm at the top of my game.
You guys are really lucky tonight.
What an asshole.
Do you say that during your show?
Of course I do.
Because people don't know what's funny, apparently, according to you.
No, no, no.
Some people.
Some people don't know.
Many people do.
But here's the other end of that.
Yeah.
Do you ever think this is?
If I died now, I'd have some great people coming to my funeral and making some great eulogies.
Yes, I do think about that.
Because if you live too long, there'll be less people.
I've thought about this too.
And I'm not kidding.
I've thought about if I went now and I hope I don't, I hope I get another week or two, but there'd be a lot of funny people coming and there'd be some people being very funny.
But if I stick around too long, that's an empty room.
No one's coming.
No one's coming.
Even if they're not dead, they're not coming.
Yeah, and if Sona lives like a block away, she's not coming.
Sona will probably be the director of your funeral, I would say.
You'll be involved in it.
You and David Hopping will probably have a lot to do.
Sure.
Okay.
I do, as a joke, want you to be buried in the cemetery you don't want to be buried in.
We've talked about this.
I know.
I do not want to be buried.
What's it called?
Forest Lawn?
Forest Lawn off the 134 freeway.
There's a freeway.
That's what they call it now, by the way, off the 134 freeway.
Yeah.
No, I know that people that pass away here are buried there and they look down and they're baking in the sun and they're looking down on the freeway.
I don't want that.
I want to be just left in a field, you know.
Above ground?
Yeah, above ground.
Will you be buried with your headphones on?
No, I don't think podcasting has been my major contribution.
I don't think that would mean that I saw myself as a podcaster.
No, I see myself as a, as an artist.
So I would want to, would you wear a V-neck sweater at all?
I would not wear it.
Cause, when I start to decompose you would you're going to be in your casket, in a V-neck sweater with no t-shirt?
Why do people even wear clothes in a casket?
Where are they going?
Do you know what I mean?
Once that lid is closed, strip them down.
Send them on their way.
I mean, when it's an open casket, yes.
But you're saying, once the casket's about to be closed, they should get everyone out of the room and then get the suit and all the stuff off of them.
Get the stuff off and donate it.
Yeah.
Or keep it for yourself.
That's a good... You know what?
Of all the celebrity movements...
I think that would be a very unusual one for you to lead the charge on nude burials and donate the clothes and the watch and the ring.
So you've decided to be buried.
That's your... No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
Still up in the air?
No.
I have a friend, Robin Flender, who wants to be used...
He wants to be used as a dummy in like a horror movie, a throw dummy.
And so when he dies, he wants to be in a scene where he's like thrown out of a seven-story building and fall.
And I think that's just genius because he's a director.
He's a really funny guy.
And he wants that.
He really wants that.
And would he get a SAG insurance for that?
Yes, and he'd get a payment.
I'm sure there's some kind of residuals.
But he wants to be a throw dummy in a movie that gets tossed off a building.
And I think that's a great idea.
Would it be like a Mission Impossible or a horror movie?
Yeah, something like that, where someone's like the actor's pushed and then you cut away to the body falling and that's my friend Rodman falling through space and then hits the ground and then cut to a close-up of the actor lying there.
Do you watch, do you go on Instagram?
Is this vodka or is it water?
No.
Clearly it's vodka because you're not making a lot of sense.
No one follows a conversational thread like you.
No.
Do you think it's a cyst in your mind?
What do you think it is?
I do actually have a sebaceous.
No, it's not a sebaceous cyst.
It's a, oh, what's it called?
It's called a, can I come back tomorrow?
No.
It's called a, anyway, it's kind of a tumor.
Oh, that's terrible.
I'm sorry.
No, it's not.
It's not.
It's not a tumor.
It's not a tumor.
Yeah.
It's, for some reason, I can't think of the name of it.
Anyway, well, it's probably blocking that part of your brain, which is why you can't think of it.
It's either that flower with the thorns on it.
The rose?
That's right.
Hey, Rose, what was the name of the tumor that I had?
All right.
You're such an idiot.
That's an old joke.
You're such an idiot.
No, that's an old joke.
No.
So what I was going to say, if I may have a moment.
You're such an idiot.
My eye is resting on the microphone.
It looks like you're a scientist looking at a microscope.
I'm looking for intelligent life in this podcast, and I see nothing.
Oh, the name was right on the tip of my tongue.
Now it's up on the roof of my mouth.
Okay.
And that's moving back to the molar.
So, do you have a child's joke book with you?
Is it hidden?
Do you ever start flipping through?
Casper the Friendly Pickle.
I have a question for you.
All right, sure.
I'll finish what I was saying later.
Okay.
Finish up.
Finish up.
Finish up.
Finish up.
Have you ever been scrolling on Instagram and you come across these posts that are people dying?
No.
I haven't seen those at all.
What are you talking about?
What's up with your algorithm?
I know.
What are you talking about?
Oh, is that why I keep getting asked?
You must have chosen something similar to that to get that fed to you.
Oh, my God.
That's embarrassing.
I am not on Instagram.
I'm not on Instagram.
You're not on Instagram?
I'm not on Instagram.
I'm watching snuff films on Instagram.
So this is, what is it?
People dying, do people take videotape of people in their last moments?
It's some sick like you know, person who happens to have those cameras on the freeway or whatever, and a guy hitting a truck and flying out of there.
Oh, that's called Faces of Death, I think.
Well, it's like that.
Yeah.
So it's someone who's trying to get across the train tracks just in time, but the train hits them and there's a camera.
Or they're pushed, you know.
And then there was this one I just saw yesterday.
I watched it like 10 times.
It is a guy with one of those suits that jumps off the cliff.
A squirrel suit?
A squirrel suit.
And he's going far.
He's going far.
Yeah.
And he's fast.
And he goes right by the camera and then down in the canyon and smack, right into a wall.
Oh!
Oh!
And this is a real person.
So, and you know, you watch these and now the algorithm knows this is what she wants.
You're going to keep getting these.
You're going to keep getting people dying.
Yeah.
And you know what?
I got rid of my squirrel suit right after seeing it.
I did.
I seriously, man.
And I wasn't going off high cliffs.
I was like going off the couch and stuff.
All right.
Well, this is that guy, you know, take a break.
We'll be right back.
No, no.
You watched it 10 times.
I don't know how many times it was because I couldn't believe it.
Another one was these people up on, I hate the cliffs.
Anything high up on a cliff, somehow it lands in front of me.
This guy and this woman.
The woman jumps off like she's free, falling and she's going to pull her chute, but she kept falling and falling.
And then the two guys look at each other on top, shake their head and they look over the cliff and she's gone.
No squirrel suit, nothing.
Wait, so she jumped off.
Why did she jump off with nothing?
I don't know.
It was like, you know, maybe she thought there was a bungee cord or something attached to her.
Some of these might be fake, too.
You should look out for that.
Yeah.
Also, I'm sorry to bring the bad news.
Also, can I point out, the thing that sticks to me in that story is you say woman jumps off a cliff, two friends are watching her fall, and then they just look at each other and shake their head.
That's the reaction you give when you want almond butter.
You open the refrigerator eh, there's peanut butter but no almond butter.
Shake your head and shut the door.
That is not an accurate reaction.
I think you're one of the two guys, because that's the reaction you would have.
Like, no, no, didn't happen.
I don't like any of this.
I don't want to watch someone die.
If I want to see someone die, I'll check out your set at the Laugh Factory.
We'll take a break.
We'll be right back.
Wait a second.
Zim, zam, zoom.
Zim, zam, zang.
Zim, zam, zoom.
Let's back up.
Let's back up to something when you're finished with your silly childish.
Look at me bits you're doing.
Oh, yeah.
Yeah.
I guess I'm the only guy that says look at me.
I know your style.
What's that?
I know exactly what you do.
Let's hear a little bit about my style.
I've been listening to you lately.
Lately?
Since I stopped listening to the news.
We've been friends since 1988.
No, but I think there's something to you now.
I know how you work.
I know you're just waiting for somebody to say something so you could just run with some like venting bit and just go.
And Sona is just encouraging you to keep going.
And then it dies down.
And then there's a last minute thought.
You go back into it again.
Yeah.
And the guest is just sitting there and the whole whack pack is laughing at you and you believe it.
So let me get this straight.
You're saying, I know how you work.
I know how you work.
I see what you're up to there.
I see what you're up to.
I see what you're up to, Picasso.
I see what you're doing.
You're doing your sketches and it's really beautiful and amazing.
And then you keep going and then you finish it and everyone's like, wow.
And then you sell it for a lot of money.
I get what you're up to.
And then you have a mistress.
This is exactly what I'm talking about.
Exactly.
Right here.
You're watching an artist at work.
Can I go back to something?
You can't reduce it.
Can I go back to something that really struck me for a second, that really surprised me?
Almond butter.
Do you use almond butter?
I do use almond butter.
Instead of peanut butter.
I know it's healthier.
I like it better.
I like the taste better.
Peanut butter with jam?
Yeah.
Strawberry?
Yeah.
My wife always complains that I leave jam everywhere.
It's on the handle to the refrigerator.
It's on the steering wheel of the car.
Yeah.
Because it's tough to get off the strawberry jam.
You know some people have accused you in the past of taking when the conversation's really on fire and
On fire.
Yeah, and I'm like really killing it that you stop it and then take us into a less productive world just to punish me, which would be sometimes I get a little bit of jam and sometimes I leave it on the handle.
Here comes the bit.
Three with him.
Two minutes.
Three bits.
Running with it.
My wife doesn't like it so much because there's a little bit of jam around.
Is the energy sufficiently lowered in the room now?
Is Conan, have we cooled his jets enough now?
I think we have.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Okay, Conan, what else you got?
And then I got to start from scratch.
That's what you just did.
Are you done with the third bit you did in the last two minutes?
I expected you to jump on that and help me with it and make it a little more dynamic and funny.
No, no.
But you just cut me apart.
No, no, no.
Have a little slice of fuck you pie is what I say.
You're not getting anything from me.
So would we be good on a road trip?
You and I?
Yeah.
I think we'd do pretty well.
Who would drive first?
I think I would drive.
Would it be that silly truck?
Because you blink a lot.
I don't trust you.
Sometimes I leave the blinking on.
Nice.
Hey, how many hours would we drive a day?
I like to get a lot of road traffic. under me, so to speak.
So I'm one of those guys that I like to.
I like to log a lot of miles and I get a little OCD about it.
Like I want to, just if someone says hey, let's stop for a while, and maybe this is enough for today.
I want to always, I'm that guy that always wants to go another two hours.
Well, finally we're connecting on something.
I like to go little bits, you know.
You try to get to wherever you're going in one day, even if it's cross country.
I wouldn't do that.
You wouldn't.
Would you stay in an expensive hotel or would you stay like in a Motel 6 hotel?
Well, I think I'd split the difference there.
Let's say you only had $500 to get where you're going.
Then I think I wouldn't be staying in a very expensive hotel.
See, you're not helping me.
I'm giving you an opening.
Oh, these are your openings?
To be funny.
Oh, these are the gems?
Well, everybody would say they're the gems.
But you apparently are thinking about your last bit that you did.
Wait, you can't just say, hey, Conan, you like coconuts?
I think coconuts are okay.
How do you like to open them?
Am I right about the way he takes something and just goes and runs with it?
How do you like to open a coconut?
I don't really know, Kevin.
Sometimes.
I haven't really done it a lot, but I guess I'd use like some kind of a blade or something.
I'm giving you gems here.
What are you doing?
What music will we listen to in the car or your truck, whatever we're taking?
We'd take my truck, my Toyota truck.
Couple of bikes in the back?
Yeah, we would have a couple of bikes in the back.
Coolers?
And I know that you're a guy that likes James Taylor.
You like stuff.
Well, I like everything now.
Not so much.
You are pretty much locked in the... Brandi Carlile.
She's also in an EP on this movie I just did called Cuts to Me in the Good Light.
We'll be out soon.
Late 60s, 70s.
I think that's your... I don't think you listen to a lot of modern music.
I honestly don't.
You're right.
My brother... No.
I don't.
I'm honest with you now.
I'm being honest.
All right.
My brother listens to 60s.
And I'm thinking, I'm not going to listen to that, man.
That's just too... That's giving up, you know?
And then I start listening to it.
I go, yeah, I like this.
I like this.
Sweet Cherry Wine by Tommy James and the Shondells.
Yeah.
You know, maybe that's 70s.
But...
But just let's, can you just ask me something serious?
Like, you know, that's, you really want to know about me.
And I swear to God, I will tell you exactly.
And let's see if you can handle it.
Okay.
As you know, I'm, I know you and I know your family.
I know your lovely wife.
You're a very handsome, cool son.
And... That you don't even know his name.
Gable.
Okay.
You don't need to like spread it around.
Jeez, why don't you just give him my PIN number?
And I see you.
I've known different incarnations of you, but I see you as a guy that now gets a lot of satisfaction out of your wonderful family.
Oh, I do.
And I think that that is, I'm happy for you in that regard.
Done, done.
I don't really hear a question, though.
Why is it so difficult to break through to you where you don't even want to?
Because you don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
I don't want to know.
It's too difficult for you to.
You do.
You'd be the worst interrogator.
You won't even ask the question to the suspect.
I am famously a good interviewer.
I'm a very good interviewer.
I'm one of, I think that's a skill I have.
You're the only person I've ever known that's accused me of being a terrible interviewer.
All right, let's say I'm a suspect.
I'm in the interrogation room.
Somebody just robbed a Brinks truck.
It wasn't me.
What do you say to that?
Okay.
It sounds like you're innocent to me.
You're free to go.
I'd say I'd ask you a couple of questions.
Were you near the bank, the Brinks truck, when it was robbed?
No.
You weren't in the neighborhood?
No, no.
And where were you?
Good question.
You think a suspect never says that to each other.
That's a good question.
All right, let me go back to that.
That statement that you mentioned about my family yeah, very lucky.
I do um, i do love them and i'm so fortunate um to have them.
And i think you feel the same way about your family, do you?
I think you do, sure.
Yeah uh, they're great um, i prefer your family.
That's an amazing family.
I don't blame you.
You are an enigma a little bit to me.
I don't quite understand you.
I admire you, but I don't quite understand you.
And I know that you don't really understand me.
I think we're both hiding our true feelings, not just from each other, but from a lot of people.
I think we want to be liked.
Oh, I have a question for you.
Have you cried?
All the time.
Do you cry?
Yeah.
Because I don't cry.
I cried at this movie.
Come see me in the good light.
Okay.
Stop doing that.
What?
Doing what?
You asked me if I cry.
That is so low.
And you know what's great about it?
It's laughter and crying.
Yeah.
It's like unexpected humor.
Okay.
It's just humor.
But I do.
I do cry.
Do you cry?
Seriously, I'm being honest now.
Who doesn't cry?
I don't cry a lot.
I don't think I cry a lot.
So you hold it in.
I don't think I'm even holding it in.
It just doesn't happen.
I don't think, I think I've only seen you cry like a couple times.
Yeah.
Yeah.
When you heard the news about the Oscars, posting that, did you cry?
I did.
I'm still crying.
You know what's interesting?
When Eric Idle, our friend Eric Idle.
The brilliant Eric Idle.
Yeah.
Can we talk about this?
He was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer.
Yes, he was.
And he said he couldn't even think about it or had no reaction emotionally.
But then when he heard that it wasn't pancreatic and he was fine, he cried.
What?
I could see that, the relief.
Yeah.
The relief.
Yeah, you're holding it in and you have all that stuff.
He got a death sentence and then he got a reprieve.
And he's famously, of course, he's famously grew up in...
He's funny.
World War II in that generation after that was rationing and repression and all kinds of stuff.
So yeah, I could see him having that reaction.
And did he tell you about his father?
What happened to his dad?
No.
He came back from the war.
They'd been gone from the war.
Got into their neighborhood, crossed the street, got hit by a truck.
Mm-hmm.
Oh, my God.
Yeah, a lorry, as they call them.
Yeah.
That's the name of a truck in England.
Yeah, an elevator is a lift.
See how I'm bringing us back up again?
That's a terrible story.
I didn't know that.
Yeah.
Maybe I heard it, but I didn't process it.
You didn't care about it.
No, it's not that I didn't care about it, but I don't think I knew that.
No, I may have known that because I know that I read, I've read a lot about him.
I just don't remember that part.
You should have some video games.
You know, can I just say, you just brought it back to someone being killed suddenly.
Yeah.
But you're just bitter.
There's no video of it.
You know, I went to school for marketing.
I have a degree, a BS degree in marketing.
And of course, you know, a doctor, honorary doctorate, humane letters.
But, um, uh, what was I going to say?
I don't know.
It was a crackerjack opening.
You know, I have a doctorate.
Oh, wow.
Okay.
The giggles are boiling.
The giggles are on the boil.
The churnels are on the fire.
Can I help you in any way?
Do you have a size seven?
Do you, you don't, I think at your core, you have no respect for me.
I really do.
I think at your core, you have no respect for me.
I'm just amazed.
Yeah.
We've talked about this.
You can't believe.
Will you listen to me?
I'm not even going in that direction.
Can you stop at the shirt?
You just took the, you took the, you took the switch.
You don't want to see any more of my skin.
I don't want to see any more.
I should have worn a V-neck.
I've been there.
Okay.
Just leave it alone.
You're amazed.
What's that?
You're amazed at what?
No, I'm just amazed at how happy you are.
And now you're telling me that you don't cry.
And so maybe inside you're not.
But, you know, it's such a relief.
I think all of us will agree that it's a reason.
You just buried that?
Connecting with your team for a minute.
Maybe inside you're not.
Isn't it great to cry?
And it's such a release and it makes you less stressed and opens you up to, I think, to a happier life.
And it shows that you're human and you have emotions.
It's just human with an H. It's not human with a Y. Do you know what Tig told me once, Tig Notaro?
Yeah.
She said, you don't pronounce your H's when you say words.
It's like, you know, humor.
It's humor.
Yeah.
And then I thought, that's pretty right because when I laugh, I don't pronounce my H's either.
It's just ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah, ah.
It is.
It is.
No.
It is.
Yeah.
But you're right, I don't.
But how would you say herb?
I'd say it's an herb.
No H. I wouldn't pronounce the H. I wouldn't say herb.
Okay, there you go.
So stop pointing a finger.
Herb is a guy.
Herb is a guy.
Do you think there's any herbs that grow herbs?
Do you want to succeed?
Do you want to succeed?
Do you want to succeed on the podcast?
I'm at the top of my game right now.
Do you want to have a successful podcast?
Are there any herbs that grow herbs?
Have you, sir, at long last, no shame.
Are there any herbs that are eaten by a guy named Herb?
Well, I don't know what to do.
I don't know what to do.
And I think you know I was going to come in here today thinking maybe now we could have a sensible discussion.
We haven't said I defy anyone.
And again, I've probably said this before.
I defy anyone out there to dissect what's been said in this marathon Bibble Babble session and find anything that connects to anything else.
Did you say Bibble Babble?
I said Bibble Babble.
I like the dibble and I like the Bibble Babble.
I do both of those.
What?
You know me so well.
What do you mean what?
You're not paying attention.
I feel like I'm trying to have a conversation and I liken having a conversation with you.
I liken it to I'm jogging and you're in a flatbed truck just ahead of me throwing orange cones at my feet, trying to trip me and make me stumble.
Have you done this before?
Yes, I've done this before.
I have.
I have.
Why am I so confused that you can't carry out a conversation without going into a bit about hibble, bibble or whatever it is?
OK, I ask, I ask my friends, the whack pack, and you don't have to agree with me, but you analyze what's happening.
No way.
Eduardo, what do you think's happening here?
Is he slipping or what?
Is Conan slipping?
What am I?
Am I the someone?
I'm asking anyone to intervene.
Who would you believe more?
A guy who cries and feels his emotions or a guy that keeps it in and just gets angry at everybody?
It's consistent.
Yeah, there you go.
Thank you.
I appreciate that.
But Eduardo, it's very unique when I talk to Kevin.
And I don't understand what's happening.
And I would love someone to explain it to me.
Okay, first of all, he's on your team.
Nope.
Eduardo is not a fan.
Eduardo is not a fan.
Nobody in this room.
I was asked this question last time.
Yes, and I'm asking you again.
And I described it then.
It happens often, doesn't it?
I think as a beautiful train wreck.
This feels like the person jumping off the bridge without the Yes.
Why does there have to be an analogy about everything?
Why can't you say what it is?
I think Eduardo just said.
I don't need an analogy.
I understand English.
Yeah.
Your humor is just... This is free fall.
This is free fall.
And it's madness.
And yet, there will be advertisers that will be connected to this.
You guys are a hall of mirrors.
Yes!
You're folding in on each other.
Yes, yes.
Sorry for the analogy, but that's what it is.
It's the snake eating its tail.
It's the snake eating its tail.
Can we go with...
One analogy.
It's a snake throwing up its own tail.
Yeah, it's a snake throwing up in a hall of mirrors.
Yes.
That's what this is.
And I tell you, sir, I tell you, sir, I'm the control in this experiment.
I talk to many people and it goes very well.
You come in and it always, the washing machine explodes and suds go flying everywhere.
So you are the problem.
Okay, I'm the problem.
That can't be proven until he talks to a bunch of other people.
Yeah.
But who's going to want to do that?
This is subjective.
It's subjective.
Come on, high five, Valera.
I can't reach.
I can't reach.
First of all, congratulations on the Mark Twain Prize.
Oh, thank you very much.
But it is a prize.
It's not an award.
Seriously.
A prize is like a Cracker Jacks toy.
Am I right?
It's a prize.
Don't get all excited.
No, I'm not.
Is it coming in a box?
Is it in a box?
I feel like I'm like a prize pig with a little ribbon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
I appreciate that.
At first you think it's a Mark Twain award.
You go, you're going to receive a Mark Twain prize.
Oh.
Just dig through this.
Dig through this Cracker Jack box.
I was the honorary mayor.
Where?
Pacific Palisades.
Oh, God.
Okay.
Way to bring it down, man.
You asked me where.
What?
That's my fault?
That's my fault?
You said I was the mayor?
Honorary, I said.
That's ridiculous.
Honorary mayor.
That's ridiculous.
That's like, oh, I was in Dallas.
Oh, yeah, when?
When Kennedy was shot!
Why would you bring that up?
Don't yell.
I listen to you in the car, and you yell a lot.
And I have to lower it.
He does.
Yeah, you do.
If you're gonna realize.
Did you see what he did?
He said i was the mayor yeah, and i said, oh cool, where.
And then he brings up a place where there was a terrible tragedy.
I said i was the honorary mayor.
Why would you even want to follow that up with anything?
Look at me, look at me, i'm looking at you.
You're the worst.
Seriously, why would you, why would you open that can of worms?
I guess it's my fault.
I guess it's my fault.
Well, yeah.
Do you think when you asked me that, you knew where I used to live?
You know where I lived?
No, I didn't know that that's where you were the honorary mayor.
I'm sorry.
I didn't know that.
Well, another opportunity for you to expose my life and my personal life and where I lived.
Okay well uh, but seriously, are you okay?
Is everyone all right?
Did your place?
Uh, did you?
I was okay until i got here today okay, all right but uh, but you know, you just undermine me so much.
I don't think i do, let's not.
Let's just let's say, let's say this was our last life, our last um, i think this might be.
Yeah, we had a good run, man.
Well, i worked hard, you got lucky and uh, I think you believe that too.
And I think you're right.
I think you're right.
I think we both had a lot of luck.
But you think I had a crazy amount of luck.
And I think you're right.
I think you opened yourself up to luck.
And boy, did you get it.
No, don't you think that's right, though?
I think we both are unseemingly people that would be...
This is proof.
This is proof.
This podcast, I think, is proof that we are both incredibly lucky people that we've managed to scratch out livings in this business.
And then this conversation is the height, is the height of our... You know what's crazy?
What's that, pal?
What is it?
Give me something I can work with.
Do you call people pal more or bud?
Buddy.
I'm more of a pal guy.
Hey, pal.
You're a pal.
Hey, pal.
It's an East Coast thing.
Yeah.
Just keep... I'm just trying to remember the name of that tumor that I had.
Do you really have something in your, because I know you have a lot of medical maladies.
No, I don't.
I have nothing.
I saw you once and you said my shoulder like fell off.
You were walking along and your shoulder fell off.
I said I fell off the shoulder of the road.
That's not true.
That is true.
Play it back.
Okay, I'm... No, let's go back to the question.
This was our last day on the planet.
We would open up to each other, right?
I doubt it.
Would you cry then?
No, I don't think so.
What would make you cry?
I don't know.
I'm still thinking about it.
Me staying here another minute?
I think 30 seconds would do it.
You've never seen a movie that made you cry?
I have, yeah.
So you lied to us all.
Yeah.
No, no, no, no.
I didn't say I never cried.
I just don't cry often.
That's all.
Not a big crier.
I wish I cried more.
I think I'd be a help, but I don't think I said I've never cried in my life.
That would be a sociopath.
Yeah.
Did you cry when you're younger a lot?
Uh, no, I remember this is a true story.
Uh, I was in the gym.
I was wrestling a kid.
We both fell backwards.
I put my arm out to stop it and my elbow went bent the wrong way and I couldn't move it.
And I was in an incredible amount of pain.
And the nurse at the Driscoll school called my mother and said, uh, Oh, Oh, my God.
It's a good story.
Finish it up.
I'm going to go get a glass of water.
I'm going to cry now.
Oh, my God.
Well, you said Mrs. Driscoll, the nurse.
I thought, this is going nowhere.
Yeah, and then my nurse comes in and she says, oh, it looks like you bent it backwards.
See, that's what you do.
And I said, no, I didn't bend it backwards.
You're the nurse.
I was not supposed to bend that way.
I see.
You tricked me into telling a real story about my childhood and my mom.
And then you totally torpedoed me.
It wasn't intentional.
No, seriously.
Said the son of Sam killer.
Are we not going to hear the end of that story?
Oh, it's very quick.
The nurse called and said, yeah, your son's here.
Losing interest.
Losing interest.
We've already heard that part.
We don't need to recap it, please.
No recapping.
The nurse said, I think he's fine.
And my mom said, well, how does he seem?
And she said, oh, he's crying a little bit.
And she said, he never cries.
Let's take him to the hospital.
And I had a shattered elbow.
So the fact that I was any moisture in my eye at all indicated to my mother that there was a real problem.
That is proof that I'm not the old boo-hoo boy.
You know what I'm saying?
Are you okay with me telling that story to other people?
It's such a good story.
Can I share that?
What are you drinking?
Is that coffee?
This is tea.
I'm having a little tea, a little iced tea.
Do you have a cold?
Nope, I do not have a cold.
These are good questions, though.
You sound stuffy.
I'm not stuffy at all.
In fact, I think I have no congestion.
Remember when we had lunch and we were just both being serious with each other?
No, I don't.
I don't think I've ever had lunch with you.
You've never had lunch, period?
I've never had a moment with you.
Do you ever worry about your weight?
Should I?
Should I worry about my weight?
I don't worry about my weight.
I worry about my height.
Okay.
Do you know what I mean?
Do you think, um, I don't, Barron is tall, isn't he?
Barron Trump.
Yeah.
He's very tall.
He's tall.
Yeah.
Yeah.
You know, when people say you don't prepare, I always say, yes, he does.
It all, it's all thought out beforehand.
Some of it is.
Do you have a congestion?
I think Barron Trump is tall.
Yeah.
One flows into the other seamlessly.
What's on your mind right now?
What's your biggest worry right now, besides hosting the Oscars?
I guess ending this.
Like, how do I end it in a way that feels... Smoothly.
Yeah, feels like we're still friends afterwards.
That's going to be tough.
But it's still a professional ending.
Yeah, I get it.
I get what you're saying.
I understand that.
Yeah, the dismount is the hardest part with a Kevin Nealon podcast.
Do you ever do gymnastics?
Can you do a somersault?
Let's start with that.
I cannot.
No, I cannot.
Never could.
Never could do a somersault.
Really?
Could you do a somersault?
Well, yeah.
Oh, no.
Oh, a somersault.
I thought you meant a cartwheel.
No, yeah.
A somersault.
Yeah, I could do a somersault.
Yeah.
I see people backflipping off of a dock.
I think I could try that because what's the worst that can happen?
Oh, well.
Land on the dock.
No, you would just, you land on the water somehow.
You ever think about that?
Nope, never.
Maybe I'll leave something to think about in the future.
Yeah, I don't think so.
I think we're done with that one.
I think there's no more meat left on that bone.
Give me a bone with a lot of meat on it and let's talk.
No.
And then you can edit all the other stuff out.
No, no, no.
We're keeping it all because I'm going to use this when we go see your neurologist.
Neurologist?
No, neurologist.
That's not where the tumor is.
Uh God, I'm going to, I'm going to be driving home and I'm going to think of a name that it's a benign on.
You know, it's not threatening at all.
It's a cyst.
No, I said it's a tumor.
A cyst is, um, like a hard nodule.
Okay.
Okay.
All right.
I'm not a doctor, but.
Okay.
No, it's a, um, God, you know what?
If you had a good crew, they would have looked it up already.
You know, they're just sitting there with their mouth, a gap, a gap, a gap, a gap.
It's a gape.
What's the last new word that you learned?
Um, Seriously.
Sona, do something.
Do you use it?
I don't know.
Koda, do you ever wake up and say, here's the word I'm going to use today.
I'm going to try and use it like five times.
Okay.
I do something.
Meningioma?
Meningioma.
What?
Meningioma.
Okay.
They call it a tumor, but it's really just a, it's about the size of.
It's a town in Italy.
I feel like I've lost you.
You lost me a while ago.
I feel like you're just depleted.
You're not at the top of your game anymore.
No, no, no.
Who's the guest here?
Is it you or me?
I don't know.
You've asked most of the questions.
Because I can't get anything out of you.
How can I?
Anyone?
Does anyone have an idea?
Just please end this.
Okay.
Kevin, you know I love you.
So this could be our last day on the planet.
What?
No.
You never know.
Yeah, I do know.
There's going to be a tomorrow.
There's always tomorrow.
Let's wrap it up with something that really is thoughtful and meaningful.
I'm excited for you.
I really am excited for you.
And there's nothing, there's no underlining thought here.
No, I can assure you.
I can assure you there is not.
I can assure you through hard experience, there is nothing.
You've lost trust in me.
As a person that can connect.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm not sure I had it ever.
But I do, I don't, your mind fascinates me.
It always has.
It's moving.
It moves.
Sure.
You're... You're done fighting.
You're not even fighting anymore.
You don't think like, you don't think like anyone else.
And I've always admired your integrity as a comedian.
And I think you have a unique style.
You've stuck to your guns.
And...
And that's the problem.
There's no problem.
I need to change guns.
No, no, no, there's no problem.
But let me, I was talking about you for a minute.
I think that you are- I tried to end it right there.
You saw.
You want to go out on a laugh first of all.
No, I don't.
I'm secure enough to not go out on a laugh and we can just add one later.
I can take a laugh from the old Lucy show and add it.
You know, I really do- You should get closer to the-.
I do appreciate you and I think people- That's funny that you backed away from the mic when you started to say something nice.
So far that our mics can't even.
You are so talented.
People love you.
Do you know the most watched hike I do, hiking with Kevin on YouTube, is Conan O'Brien.
My son told me that.
That's cool.
And you have Tom Hanks on that.
You have all the stars.
Tom Hanks, Jack Black, Paul Rudd, you.
Yeah.
I mean, Molly Shannon.
Yeah.
Yeah.
But you, you have like, you are so famous.
And I think about this a lot.
When I go places, I don't get recognized.
I think Conan would get recognized here.
But you can go to Finland.
You can go to China, probably, and they know who you are.
Yeah, maybe.
Is that hard to be that popular?
For no reason.
It was so close.
No, let's backtrack.
We're done.
We're done here.
We're done.
Hey, Kevin, best of luck with your movie.
It was so close.
Come see me in the good light.
Starring Struda Eben and Lieben Haben.
Hiking with Kevin on Fox Nation.
And also, Kevin on Fox Nation.
Hiking with Kevin on Fox Nation.
Hiking with Kevin is on Fox Nation.
I don't know why I keep having you back, but people do.
I don't either.
People do love it.
Why do I keep coming back?
People do love it.
We'll see.
We'll see.
We'll look at the numbers after this one.
But God love you, Kevin.
I love you.
And just cover up next time we go out.
Okay?
All right?
I'll wear a turtleneck.
All right.
Peace out.
Peace out.
Thank you.
I don't know that we're even going to use this, but I do.
We just ended somehow the interview with Kevin Nealon.
And I want an explanation.
I want an honest explanation.
And I want people in the room to say, because people put, I don't think it's me.
I think it's all him.
And then here it's me too.
It's both of you.
Okay.
So what is it?
It's both of you.
What is it?
You can't let it be.
I say something and then you immediately.
Neither can you.
Neither.
Neither of you can.
Because he gets it wrong.
I get it wrong and I have to correct him.
The bigger concern here is that you were able to finally end that podcast and now you started it up again.
Yeah, but I can't let it.
I want to know what happened.
Do you really, really think you're completely just not to blame at all about this?
I don't want to say blame because that's negative, but I want to know who the guilty party is.
What happened with the dismount?
You talked about a dismount.
I try with you and it's him.
I can do it right back on.
You don't try.
OK, so so what is it, Eduardo?
Everyone's agreeing that I'm half the problem.
When you two get together, it's like Lakers Celtics.
It's like the Super Bowl.
It's a competition.
I think it's like murder and accessory.
Why do you feel like you have to win every time?
It's not that I want to win.
It's just that I don't know what happens.
I honestly don't know what happens.
You want me to leave and you'll say, got him, got him this time.
Do you really think you're trying to have a serious interview and that Kevin is derailing it?
You don't really think that.
Do you think that if I said to him which I did at one point, like when I do try to say something serious, he's not going to have it?
You know that, right?
If I said to him, hey, so the hiking with Kevin, you seem to really enjoy those.
He'd say, I got to tell you, submersibles.
But there's also part of me that thinks you're baiting him.
You're trolling him a little bit.
Yes.
Yeah, you're a troll.
You're being a troll.
You're trading straight men.
It's two straight men in a room and no comedian.
That's the problem.
It's like you're trading straight men just instantaneously.
Did you see?
He listened to you for like three seconds and that's a record.
I've ever seen him listen to somebody.
You were actually listening and looking at it.
And when you broke down who I am as a comic, just this, hey, yeah, really, yeah, yeah, yeah.
I mean, what an insulting slam.
No, that's talent to be able to do that and get away with it.
All right.
All right.
I just wanted a quick.
I am.
I am happy to accept.
I wanted a quick therapy session.
I am happy to accept half the fault.
Yes.
If we can say fault.
But I honestly will tell you, I don't know what's happening when I'm talking to Kevin.
I don't know what's happening.
And I don't think you know what's happening.
I know what's happening.
Oh, yeah.
What's that there, buddy boy?
You're not crying enough.
Okay.
Maybe if you cried a little bit, you would be so strong.
Okay.
Peace out.
Tupac.
Thank you, Kevin.
Goodbye.
Good dismount.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair.
And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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