Hi, my name is Josh Safdie and I feel like a liar.
Saying that I feel anything about being Conan O'Brien.
Fall is here, hear the yell.
Back to school, ring the bell.
Brand new shoes, walkin' blues.
Climb the fence, books and pens.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends.
I can tell that we are gonna be friends Hey there, welcome to Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend.
I'm the aforementioned Conan, joined by Sonam of Session, Matt Gorley.
How we doing, gang?
What's happening?
Good.
Good, good, good in the hood.
What's the mood?
What's the mood today?
Mood's pretty good, I'd say.
Yeah.
Yeah.
No, am I wrong?
No, I don't know.
I'm just I like to get the vibe in the room.
I like to match the temperature.
And I wasn't sure today.
I was you all seem pretty happy, right?
I wish I ate more.
What do you mean?
I just didn't eat a proper meal before.
And we're recording.
It's like almost two o'clock and I'm hungry.
What is a proper meal for you?
What would that be?
Literally any food in front of me.
What did you have for breakfast?
I didn't have breakfast.
You didn't eat breakfast?
That's the problem.
Okay.
All the years that Sona was my assistant, I lived in fear of her not getting her sustenance.
Because her mood would go.
No, no.
You would become.
I would.
The Tasmanian devil.
You really would if you didn't get your food.
And another person who does that is my wife.
Okay.
My wife, I learned when we were early on going out, she would say...
I'm a little hungry.
What are you thinking about lunch?
And I would think, yeah, yeah, we could do lunch.
I learned that I need to act on that first warning sign because she's a lithium battery.
She goes from having a charge to having no charge instantly.
Yeah.
And so then it would go downhill very quickly.
Yeah.
And so and you're the same way, Sona.
I pack snacks for my kids all the time, but then I'll eat them because if I don't eat.
But also, you know, can I say something else?
Your kids are malnourished.
Yeah, they are.
They're constantly eating their snacks.
Oxygen mask in an airplane where you got to take care of yourself first.
Yeah.
OK.
But Liza can live off of like an almond.
I need like a whole pheasant.
It is true.
Like a rotisserie chicken.
No, she would.
I can't tell you how many times on the Warner Brothers lot, Sona was screaming at the commissary people, I want my pheasant.
Remember?
And then we got you a crown and a king's robe.
Remember that?
And a scepter.
And a throne.
Yeah, I remember.
I want my pheasant!
Where's my horse and pheasant?
So you didn't get enough food.
No, I didn't.
I need to eat something after this.
I saw you eating potato chips just before we recorded.
I know.
I've been snacking.
I understand.
That wasn't an accusation.
I felt like you were accusing me of saying you ate chips, so you're fine.
No, I'm not because there's no nutrition.
Oh, wait, they were pheasant chips.
They were?
Yeah.
It said now with 80% more pheasant.
So I don't know why you're bitching.
I need like a meal.
I need something warm that was cooked and I need it in my body.
What are you going to get after this then?
Are you going to go straight to a restaurant just by yourself and corner table?
I might.
I might.
I need to eat.
You all both need to eat.
Yeah.
Yeah, I need to eat something that gives you more intelligence.
Not just brain food, but food that actually is made of brain and gives you brain.
Did you say walnuts?
Yeah.
Walnuts make you smarter?
Walnuts make you smarter?
Yeah.
It's good for your semen.
What?
Wait.
You and I are coming at this from different angles.
Hold it.
Hold it.
Hold it.
I'm pointing the finger at you, Sona.
What do you mean it's good for your semen?
What are you talking about?
Like, you know, when you want to make a baby, you eat a lot of walnuts.
Nobody?
Tell me about it.
Are you serious?
Wait, are you talking about it's good for your semen, meaning that it makes better semen?
I don't know what it does.
I just know if you want to make a baby.
Here we go.
According to the internet, it improves motility.
Hello.
Hello.
Come to me.
And morphology.
Yeah, come to me for semen advice.
Well, okay.
Come to me for semen advice.
That's great.
Jesus Christ.
It's good.
If you want to make a baby.
Can we get her a pheasant, please?
Low motility.
Aren't there foods that affect the taste of semen?
Well, I think, is that a myth?
They say pineapple, right, is supposed to help it taste better?
I mean, I say that.
Can I just say something?
I can't taste the difference.
I can't.
I hate tons of pineapple.
And then I'm like, I got to get any pineapple here.
You're drinking your own semen?
Of course.
I'm not going to eat someone else's junk.
What was that?
And you want Erewhon to make a smoothie with your name on it.
Yes.
Oh, no.
Yeah.
I'm not going to.
Someone else's semen.
That's disgusting.
Why do you think I do all those back exercises?
Such a narcissist.
You only drink your own tea.
I'm constantly doing yoga and I'm like, I'm almost there.
Anyway, no, I've had so much pineapple and nothing.
Oh, God.
I've never held up a rap sign more.
Well, listen, I think it's time to talk to an iconic filmmaker.
Every publicist right now is taking us off the list.
Oh, God.
My guest today is a filmmaker known for such movies as Uncut Gems and Good Time.
His latest film, Marty Supreme, is already getting just insane.
Oscar buzz, it's everywhere.
I'm sorry to interrupt.
What?
When I go home, I have to log these things into a spreadsheet, what each thing is about.
Sure.
Eduardo and I will put in a small description.
Sona talked about being hungry, but this one's going to be Conan drinks on jizz.
Post-pineapple binge.
Okay, continue.
Let's, you know, not for no reason.
All right.
I'm thrilled he's here today.
Joss Hafti, welcome.
I think you and I are friends now.
I think so, too.
I think we are.
I do.
You know why?
Through Sandler.
Anyone who you know through Sandler, you feel like you're a friend.
The best!
You know, my favorite observation about Sandler and this is in the last couple of years is he always says the best.
I'll bring up anyone.
So let's say I see Sandler in half an hour at the store where they sell overly long gym shorts.
Yeah. for middle-aged men.
And I say to him, hey, I just- Only middle-aged men.
Yeah, only middle-aged men.
It is such a long marquee.
They card you when you go in.
But it's actually, I see Sandler and I'll be like, oh, I know.
What are you doing, buddy?
What are you doing?
Oh, I just saw Josh.
The best!
And then I can go, okay.
And then, 20 minutes later, I can say oh my God.
By the way, I was just at a restaurant and I had a Reuben sandwich.
The best!
And he keeps saying the best, down to the point where you're like yeah, and then I was in New York and I actually I took the Lexington Avenue.
Oh, the best!
The best of the subways.
He said once to me, I was like, I'm going to go to the bathroom.
He goes, the best.
And I understood it though.
It was real.
I was like, yeah, it is the best to go to the bathroom.
You have that pressure feeling in your bladder and then you don't, then you don't.
It's the best.
It is the best.
My wife has to text me throughout the day saying, go to the bathroom.
I'll pee when I wake up and then I go to sleep.
Is that right?
Yeah, it's unfortunate.
So that's why when I talked to Santa, I said, we're going to the bathroom.
And he was saying the best, like I'm doing it.
But he says it all the time.
But there's variations, the best.
Yeah, yeah.
The best, the best.
The best, the best.
But I love that he would even say it about like yeah, you know, I think.
Well, apparently the wife, the way she killed her husband is she used strychnine.
The best.
Instant.
No trace.
Doesn't show up in the blood.
The best.
Wait, are we talking about toxins that kill you?
The best.
And he calls you Coney.
Coney.
He calls me Coney.
He's the only one that can.
I accidentally said it to someone.
They're like, what are you doing?
I was like, well, I'm going to go see Coney.
And we're like, who the fuck are you talking about?
Coney 2012.
Is Coney like a seven-year-old boy?
Yeah.
Also, we live in the same neighborhood and I have been driving through my neighborhood and seen what looks like 1975 Stevie Nicks walking down the street covered in different colored garments.
And I look closer and it's Sandler where there's, and God bless him.
He doesn't try to match any clothing.
You know, it's just.
It looks like a handkerchief store blew up near him and everything got glued to his body and it's every single color you can imagine.
It's unbelievable, yeah.
And then I'll pull up and I'll be like, you know, hey, Adam, it's me.
I'll lower the window.
It's me going um, he got pulled into a when i was once.
I was once with him and uh, he got pulled into like a some sort of high-end retail store because someone you know he's the nicest guys, or someone's like oh man, i'm a fan.
He's like let's take a picture, and they invited him into the store.
He's like i'd love to show you my, my clothing.
Adam sandler in a high-end retail store is not.
That does not make sense.
So he said i was like what was going on in your head?
He's like i was counting the hangers.
You know like at some point I have to just stop counting.
I did 20.
Very nice stuff you have in there.
You got good stuff.
Buddy, you got good stuff.
I gotta go.
I gotta go.
Well, I also love he will come by my house and he'll, unlike other people, like in LA.
You call ahead.
No one just drops in.
He'll do a drop in.
Sandler will be outside the gate going, go!
And then you let him in and he's like, oh, buddy, buddy.
And I'll say, hey, sit down.
And then within maybe two minutes, he'll say, cause one time he brought his daughters with him.
He was at, he was in my house for like five minutes.
We watched part of a football game and he went, all right, I gotta go.
I gotta go, buddy.
He barely sat down and then he starts charging out and he's shouting up the stairs.
Come on girls, let's go, let's go.
And he said, we know when we're not wanted.
All I did was say, would you like a lemonade?
You know, let's get out of here.
He moves fast.
He moves fast.
But we are not here to eulogize Adam Sandler.
He's alive and well, and we love him.
Yes, the best.
The best.
The best.
We are here and I want to start with this, and then we'll talk about other things, and then we'll get back to it.
But your movie, Marty Supreme, is a juggernaut of delight.
It is a just love that movie.
I have watched a lot of Oscar movies because I got to host that thing.
Oh, that's right.
I mean, movies that are getting awards.
Yes.
Up for awards.
Thank God you're hosting.
You're great.
You know what?
I was telling Mariel's, you know you could be the.
If you were the host of a Denny's, I would go to that Denny's every day.
Oh, thank you.
Every day.
You know, that might be more appropriate.
You know what?
If this year goes well, it's on to Denny's.
I saw your movie with my friend Rodman Flender and I sat and the movie begins and it was a party.
It was just like the crowd.
It was one of those things that you dream about where the laughs are all there, the highs, the lows.
And from the moment that movie begins, I was in all the way.
Amazing.
And it was just... an absolute pure delight.
And so I'm so happy you're here because, no spoilers, but I want to talk about this movie.
This movie is a major achievement and I hope.
I mean, I know you're getting a lot of love, but I mean
Yeah, but love from the people who you look up to and respect is different.
It's just different. yeah but it means a lot and also weirdly weirdly i was saying someone was asking me because abel ferrara who's in the film uh who i've been a huge fan of and i knew him when he was not a sober person and i know you did too yeah and uh one of the best conan interviews is the abel ferrara conan interview because it is it is like yoga man you are stretching you are doing it was unhinged and i'll tell you You know, sometimes there are movies about show business and in movies about show business, like, you know, my favorite year, there's just improbable crazy things that happen.
People get on stage seconds after they fix the broken set and the curtain comes up like a second before.
Abel Farrar was on the old late night show.
He was this legendary director and persona and not long before he was gonna come out.
He was not the first guest, he might've been the second guest.
Dennis Leary was the first one.
Okay, Dennis Leary was the first guest and Abel Farrar's gonna come out.
And while I'm out doing the monologue, or maybe even talking to Dennis Leary as the first guest, Abel Farrar, who's in his dressing room, runs away, gets to the elevator bank at late night on Rockford Center, hits the button, gets on the elevator and disappears.
And he's the next guest up.
And I didn't know anything about this, but God bless him.
Frank Smiley, who's been one of my segment producer forever and did every single late night show and was a major force behind the show.
He takes off.
Wow, gets another elevator, goes down and then runs out onto the street and does that thing in movies where you look right, you look left, and then he just gets a glimpse of Abel Farrar in, like a leather jacket and that saunter, and he takes off and Abel Farrar goes into a bar.
And starts ordering a drink.
And Frank goes in and has to drag Abel Farrar back, convince him, cajole him physically, pull him, gets him back.
They take the elevator up and he gets him back on his mark backstage.
As I'm saying, ladies and gentlemen, Abel Farrar.
That's unbelievable.
And you didn't know any of that?
I didn't know anything because how could I?
You're on the stage.
Yeah.
And I'm just, you know, in full host mode.
And then...
He comes out and if you ever want to look up that interview, it's Abel Farrar.
Conan O'Brien on the late night show.
And it is me talking to a wild animal.
And he is, I think, a big part of Marty Supreme, which we will talk about.
My favorite part of the interview though, is how quickly Dennis Leary abandons any sort of allegiance he has to you.
And you would think the two of you kind of would be connected and bonded.
Yeah, two Boston Irish guys.
Yeah, I was like, all right, this is my... He goes right.
Maybe he wanted a part.
I don't know what it was, but he went right to Abel.
Abel doesn't smoke cigarettes.
He takes a cigarette.
He's talking to Dennis.
Abel Farah asked me once to do a Q&A with him, and I've watched him do Q&As.
And his thing particularly when he was not a sober person was to throw the moderator under the bus instantly and just take it to the audience and then just make fun of the moderator.
And he did that to you.
He did that to you.
And I, but he's, he's.
You know, I think you said something about like Stallone subtitles at some point, and he is just like What does that mean?
He would ask me every take.
He would say to me, he would say I'd tell him, you know what the scene was and you know whatever.
We had all these amazing conversations through WhatsApp because he lives in Rome.
And he said, he was like, all right, you do it.
He's like, I'll do it.
Yeah, he's like you do the scene and I'll watch and I'll know I'll watch, you do it and then I'll know how to do it.
Something no actor wants, usually.
And then he said, so I did it, but I'm doing the scene as if I'm Abel Ferreira.
So, and I'm like doing like the, I'm not talking, and he goes, you're doing me doing the scene.
I was like, yeah.
That's what's going to happen.
You know what I mean?
That's eventually what's happening.
So yeah, that's exactly what I'm going to do.
His book is really good.
He's been sober 13 years and his book is good.
Well, good for him.
When I worked on my first film, it was that situation.
Each take.
He'd just walk away wearing the lobby microphone, go to a bar, pound a beer and then put the beers inside of his jacket.
Do the scene with Ronnie, who's the lead of the movie, Mary's husband and who I wrote the movie with.
And then Ronnie would do the scene with him.
They never had one word outside of the actual scene where they exchanged each other.
And then for years Abel would introduce me to people as his director, because I don't think he remembered my name.
I don't think he remembered my name.
I love him.
He's this very special guy.
And that interview with you is like one of the great Conan flailing interviews.
Yeah, no, it's... And you know what Lorne Michaels said to me once?
He said, Conan, people like to watch you work, which is, and I realized he was right.
People like to watch me squirm, contort myself, both my soul and my physical body, in order to kind of make something work.
And he said, they like to watch you work.
And I said, well, I don't like it.
I like it when it's really easy.
Yeah, yeah.
I'm going to get us talking about Marty Supreme, which is getting all kinds of love.
Let me just turn this off quickly because I'm getting.
I have a three-year-old and she's probably trying to FaceTime me.
It's all good.
Yeah, your priorities are correct.
Let me turn this off right now.
Quiet to the three-year-old.
Shut up, Minnie.
You're talking.
Minnie, I'm talking to Conan O'Brien right now.
You have no idea what this means to me.
I have so many questions about this movie.
And then the first of all is, I don't think this movie could be made without Timothy.
Timothy is this nuclear force at the center of the movie that needs to propel it.
And I know that you usually are thinking about who this movie has to be for.
I know that you and your brother, when you were thinking about Uncut Gems, it had to be Sandler.
And it had to be Sandler to the degree that you wrote it for Sandler in 2011, he passes.
He passes again in 2015.
Sandy passed a bunch.
That's what Sandy keeps saying.
Sandy Wernick.
Sandy Wernick, yeah.
Sandy Wernick, his longtime, and I love you, Sandy.
Yeah, oh my God.
But Sandy Wernick just kept getting this goofy script and I think not even showing it to Adam.
Definitely not.
But then finally you guys kept at it.
You didn't cast anybody else.
In 2017, you get Adam to say yes.
And I think it has been such a wonderful thing for Adam because after that movie Those of us who know Adam saw that he was a real dramatic actor long before Uncut Gems.
But you guys put him dead center in the crosshairs and gave him this acting challenge and he killed it.
And that is you guys, that's Adam.
But I know that...
That whole process of doing Uncut Gems took you 10 years?
10 years, yeah, 10 years.
Unbelievable.
This one was six.
Yeah.
My wife's like, you got to figure it out.
Can't do it that way.
Yeah, yeah.
But I... But Sandler, you know what's interesting?
It's like, okay, so then I did the special with Sandler, Love You, and he makes you cry.
Sandler can make you cry.
I was just telling him in the clip that I saw from Jay Kelly.
He's such a big golden retriever, or the mastiff.
He's more like a mastiff, big mastiff.
Who's like.
You know, I don't even like, I don't even want to say out loud some of the things I feel about him, because I'm very for me, I'm very emotional about him.
And I think most people who are close with him do get that way because he is very open.
He's like a very mushy, mushy person.
I love that word, mushy.
He's very mushy, mushy, mushy, gushy.
And mushy, tushy.
That's what I say to my daughter.
I've turned into a three-year-old.
I say it all the time.
I'm like, mushy, tushy.
Everything is tushy with my daughter.
She's calling again.
Yeah.
She's like, you got it right.
That's it.
I'll like literally just turn to my daughter Minnie every once in a while and be like, Minnie, guess what?
She goes, tushy.
And I was like, tushy.
Anyway, saying this.
Why do we have to evolve?
Yeah, we don't.
We don't.
I didn't.
You got to be forever young.
I had Jack Fisk, my production designer, one of the greatest of all time.
He's just turned 80 or he's 79 or something.
And he worked with the best and he grew up with David Lynch and he's did some amazing movies.
There Will Be Blood and Mulholland Drive and Badlands.
He met his wife, Sissy Spacek on.
And he is probably the youngest person I've ever really gotten to know.
Like he's like, like an eight year old.
And like, we're texting at three, four in the morning.
And I just felt so, I felt young with him.
So, so you just stay tushy.
You just got to say tushy all the time.
But Sam, when I was making gems and you know spoiler alert to anyone who hasn't seen it he dies at the end of the movie.
And the entire film for me was watching somebody who's so alive all the time and knowing that he dies, I would well up and cry throughout the movie.
And he was like, what's going on with you?
And I was like, I know, I have issues.
But I really would.
It's so funny that you had the power to keep him alive.
Yeah.
I could have.
He had to die.
It's winged in the shoulder.
Not only that, but you essentially killed him.
Yeah, yeah, I know.
It's weird.
And it's just, I'm all broken up.
Why?
I'm going to murder you soon.
Oh, it just breaks my heart.
But he is also the best, yeah.
He's also so like to me that he is that like alive electric character who is like constantly looking to just disappear at any moment.
Just connect with somebody.
And he's anxious.
He's a very anxious person.
His early standup where he's talking, pretending to be things in the refrigerator.
You know what I mean?
His humor is very unique.
I grew up loving those albums so much course, so much uh to the point, when i'm meeting people who appear on the albums i'm like star struck and uh so.
So i, you know, felt like i knew him on some level.
So when i wrote it for him, i also knew that he had, he has, this rage in him which he does.
That's real, that's not, You know.
I mean, it's obviously those who know him.
He can get, he can have an outburst, but they're loving and immediately he can go back to being mushy tushy.
But he's still like he's still Sandler and he's the Sandman people.
How many people do you know in your life?
You can just call them that like their nickname.
I knew like six.
I worked at a sand company for a while.
I did.
They just, they manufacture high grain sand.
And you knew no one's name, so you just called everyone Sandman.
That's what you do.
And half of them's name, when I found out, was Sandman.
So, you know, but you know, it's interesting to me.
The last name was Sandman.
Yeah, the last name.
Jews.
Sandman.
Sandman.
I'm Waysha Sandman.
Yeah, I'm Superman.
Speederman.
Yeah.
That's what I would say.
I would say Marty is like, he's like Speederman.
He's Marty Speederman.
Yes.
Well, he is.
I mean, here's the thing.
But I did write it for Timmy.
I did.
I wrote it for him.
I met him before I really knew him as an actor.
And this kid that I met, I was at a premiere for one of our movies.
Agent comes up to me.
Agent's at a party.
And they're like, oh, I want to introduce you to the next superstar.
It's pretty obnoxious.
You hear that all the time.
Everyone's the next superstar.
So I'm skeptical and I go and I meet this kid and he's in the corner of the room and he's with his buddy and he was there but he wasn't like there.
He wasn't where he wanted to be.
And he had, he was like, he couldn't stand still.
He was like coming out of his own skin.
And he had these really big dreaming eyes.
And then I then I went to go see a movie.
I call me by her name like four months later.
And he, that movie could have been like kind of a small film, you know, and he just through his acting, through his performance, expanded the walls of this movie, made it a huge movie.
And and I watched him on stage afterwards.
It turns in this like super serious star forming performance.
And then he's doing being interviewed at the New York Film Festival, 1200 people.
And he's rocking back on his chair, which I do all the time, uncontrollably.
And he fell.
He fell down on his ass onto his back.
Could have been very embarrassing.
But every single person in that room laughed and we laughed like we were his guest.
And that was so like because we felt so intimate to him.
So I wrote it for when I said to him, I was like, I want that person to be this part.
Well, so what's interesting to me about this movie is watching it, and there's a bunch of things that struck me, but one reminded me a little bit of Frank Capra.
Frank Capra used to make the most of small characters.
So yeah okay, you're watching Jimmy Stewart or whatever, but then he goes in just to buy a newspaper and the guy who sells in the newspaper is memorable.
Maybe has one line, but is memorable.
That is usually not done anymore.
And Marty Supreme, I watched it and I turned to my friend Rodman afterwards and I went, those faces.
All the faces of everybody.
People that are in that dreary hotel where Abel Ferrara lives.
Oh my God, yeah.
Anytime there's a face in the crowd who and the camera's on them for a second, their face is fascinating.
These faces loom out at you and they're absolutely incredible.
And I was thinking about all the supporting players.
I mean, we cast everybody.
David Mamet, Sandra Bernhardt, Isaac Mizrahi, Abel Ferrara Tyler.
The creator, Kevin O'Leary from Shark Tank.
And, and, you know, you have, yeah.
Okay.
Gwyneth Paltrow.
Yeah.
But that's not a shock that Gwyneth Paltrow was in a great movie, but she hadn't acted in a while.
Yeah.
But to see Kevin O'Leary and say yeah, the guy from Shark Tank, he should have a major part in this and then have it work perfectly.
I love the fearlessness with which you guys say, wait a minute, that's the face, that's the person.
And I think you're seeing something in them that you think is, as you said, it's all a documentary.
This Marty Supreme movie is based on a guy.
Loosely.
Very loosely.
Very, very loosely.
Inspired by.
Inspired by, but it's a completely fictitious tale.
And then what you guys do what you've done is you've extracted the essence of these people somehow.
And they're perfect in those moments.
I always, when I meet somebody, I'm just, I want to see the best in them.
And I admire people who are centered, like people who are kind of they're invisible to themselves.
Because I'm not.
But I do, I admire people who are iconic.
They're iconically them. there's a guy in the movie who plays Abel's like side, his friend.
Yeah who uh, who's also in uncut gems and his name is mitchell wenig and he uh met him in a diner in 2007 or something and i always wanted to put him in something and benny and i put him in a short and then we put him in gems and i stay in touch with him.
He shows up in the sandler special and he's a his job.
He worked for hud, the housing department in new york city, and then he his hobby is he's an autograph collector.
This guy is in the movie And I saw him hovering and waiting outside Gwyneth's trailer with a folder and glossy images of her from Emma.
And I said, Mitchell, what are you doing?
He goes, you think it's inappropriate?
I said, you're a co-star.
You want me to get the autograph?
He's like no, I really want to be the one to get it, because there's a specific place where she has to sign.
Yes.
But what I love about him, he doesn't sell.
So he's different from the guys who are selling stuff nonstop and making sure it's here and there.
And he was good friends with Johnny.
Anyway, he is...
I love being around him.
I genuinely like, you know, every his point of view on life.
I find it so refreshing, everything he has to say.
And I am, you know, moved by people who are iconically themselves.
So how do I get it?
How do I do it?
What is I mean?
I just I don't know.
I just see somebody and I see them for their essence.
And and I believe that if you know someone really well, these interviews help you.
And getting to know them and making them feel comfortable.
That's like so much of directing is just making people feel I mean, that's you had to do, still have to do it.
And then they can get into a space where they can be without starting to sound like evil manipulated, but they can be.
But that is your job.
Yeah, they can be led into situations.
And then having someone like Timmy, I can actually work with him through him sometimes.
And I don't put marks down on the floor or anything.
And Darius, my cinematographer, is like, master lighter, spends three hours.
He's like, no, they have to stand right here.
I was like, not if they don't want to, Darius.
And I was like, no, trust me.
He's like, they have to.
I won't be lit if they're over here.
I was like, then they're not lit.
Then they're not lit over there and they're standing there, but I'll get them there.
And more or less the blocking that I have.
I generally know how this person is going to move and they will most likely land in that pool of light.
But if they don't, it actually helps add, I think, a little bit of realism to the movie, because things aren't so perfect.
Did you recognize the guy in the cage who's with George Gervin, who's the great Iceman from the Spurs?
There's a guy who works in the cage.
He's kind of like the, I guess, the greeter.
He's the voice of the ping pong parlor.
He was... There was a viral video in 2007 of this man on the side of the highway.
He was homeless.
And he had a sign.
And the guy said all right, I'll give you a dollar if you use that magical voice that you claim to have.
He goes, this is welcome to... Yes, I remember that.
Famous.
So...
It was like an early viral sensation.
Then he became the man with the golden voice.
And then he fell on some hard times and Good Morning America called him the man with the so-called golden voice.
He still had the golden voice, but I don't know why all of a sudden it was so-called.
And I loved him.
I found him to be so special and warm and, you know, and the voice too.
When you cast somebody, you're also casting a voice. which is interesting.
Like I put Marianne from Brooklyn from the Stern show.
She's the first person you see in the movie and her voice.
What's great about Marianne from Brooklyn is she's so beautiful.
But you hear this voice and they put the crow sound all the time.
Fred's, like every time she speaks yeah yeah, but her voice, i find the voice to be beautiful, and then you see her and she's beautiful, and then you cast her and she's the first face that you see, but you hear her first anyway.
So i'm casting all of it, but here's the scenario here's, but what i'm saying is here.
I could talk forever.
No no, but what i'm saying is the scenario that fascinates me is, in this world now, post marty, supreme and gems, you know, you're going to have so many big actors.
They're going to be approaching you and saying oh, you know, come on Josh, I'd be great for this.
I'd be really good for this.
And it's Matt Damon and it's Ben Affleck and they're like, yeah, yeah, and I'd be great for it too.
And then you have to tell them, guys, it's not you.
Well, who's it?
Who do we lose it to?
Who do we lose it to?
You lost it to the guy who came to fix the toilet 40 minutes ago.
He had the snake and he was routing around, but he had the light hit him.
And I just knew he had that purity of.
I need to get this toilet unclogged and I don't care how much shit I need to handle with my bare hands.
And by the way, that guy's playing Jason Bourne.
Yeah, exactly.
Also, I mean, yeah.
The safty version of Jason Bourne.
But I mean, that is something that I It happened with Dave Krumholz actually, because he was going for the part that Mitchell ended up getting.
And his audition was amazing.
He was great.
He's a great actor.
I've always loved him since Sums of Beverly Hills, even before then.
And he's just a fantastic actor.
But then he's like, you know, I saw the movie and I realized, oh, I lost it to that guy.
You know what I mean?
Like, you're not.
He paints lines in a parking lot.
You know he's he's he's, you know he's I.
They wanted like this real, this real person, this guy's essence.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
As much as he could emulate it, he's not that person.
And I think adding a lot of people who you also don't know but you feel like you know them immediately has this kind of additive effect that you're just in real life.
And every single person in the cast.
The guy who works in the shoe store, this guy Lloyd, he's a horse better.
He's a great horse better at Aqueduct Racetrack.
And Ratso, who's a friend of mine, you never crossed paths with him, right?
He was not the lampoon at all.
I don't think so.
So Larry Sloman, he was a great writer.
He wrote Stern's book, Private Parts.
Oh, okay.
I don't think I know him, but I could.
I might be best friends with him.
I know him.
I'm a very empty man.
And who are you, by the way?
And where are we?
We right now he's the guy who plays the uncle.
Oh yeah, so he's uh, anyway.
So the backstory that i had for him is that he got this shop uh, through his kind of his horse racing obsession, yeah.
And then i tell that to jen and then just like oh, we'll look at horse betters.
So then all of a sudden you're getting amazing.
This is, i mean, this is a, this casting technique.
It might change things because it's so effective and powerful.
And this whole idea of, well, we've got to cast someone as the nerd who operates the elevator.
Get me all the nerds.
And everyone who has got an 8x10 where they're wearing glasses that's taped in the middle and they're like They.
By the way, I just learned what the word geek is.
Do you know what a geek is?
Well, I know what I think a geek is.
I was talking to Ronnie, and he casually mentioned he was reading a book about the circus.
Oh, yeah.
A geek is the person who bites the heads off of chickens and stuff.
Oh, that kind of geek.
Circus geek.
Yeah, circus geek.
There must be some correlation between a geek.
But then it somehow became nerdy.
It's like, no, its original derivation is not nerd.
Hmm.
It's not nerd.
Nerds are smart.
Geeks are not smart.
Geeks are totally outside society and they're... What's a dweeb then?
Well, dweeb is very different.
Yeah, what is a dweeb?
Well, I'll tell you because I have long experience.
That's why I'm asking.
I don't know.
I have no idea.
I like to pretend I know instantly.
There was a great in Living Color sketch.
It was like a geek, a dweeb, or a spaz.
And you had to pick.
And I remember that as a kid.
I loved it.
Anyway, sorry.
Going back to why did I say geek?
Oh, you're talking about the tape.
Yeah.
But let's get back to the center of the movie.
Timothy is, he's spectacular.
And also, this is something he did last year in the Bob Dylan.
He went off and learned how to play guitar in a very specific way that mimicked how Dylan was playing guitar in those early village years.
And got it down just right, which is no easy thing to do.
No, not at all.
Then for Marty Supreme.
I mean, if there's any voice you want to emulate, Dylan's probably the easiest.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Maria Callas, not so much.
I lost that part.
I don't know why.
But when you get to Timothy playing table tennis, He's so convincing and I found out later on that yeah, you can do things, I guess, with CGI or whatever, but he really spent a long time getting great at this.
And I started to realize he's built like a table tennis guy.
Oh, yeah, absolutely.
He's so wiry and kinetic and he's got so much energy that...
It's the perfect sport for him to play.
I don't know if that went into.
I think he would like to imagine that he could be an NBA basketball player, but sure, table tennis.
No, don't tell him I said that.
No, no, no, I won't.
Tell him I said, you know, oh, yeah, Lakers.
The first, one of the first you know the inspirations for the movie was this character that my wife, who's a producer on the movie, got this book.
That was an autobiography memoir about this wiry kind of.
There was a bunch of these intense outsiders who hung out at this table tennis parlor midtown, New York.
A footnote of history was interesting.
It was owned by the first Black business owner in the Times Square district.
That's who, his name is Herwald Lawrence, and that's who George Griffin plays.
But at this place, which my great uncle played at, he said there was like an orphanage for outcasts.
And they were all these wiry kind of proto-ADD super smart people who got terrible grades because they just did not care for school.
Astrophysicists and criminals, motley crew.
And I saw, I was like, immediately when I was realizing, I want to know what these guys looked like.
And I typed in like 1949, British Open, and i immediately see these guys, young guys wire wiry, bouncing all over the place and i immediately called timmy and i was like this is the project we can do together.
Yeah, and i said it weirdly, i i don't know why i was like so fearful of the idea period.
So i put it to peter gabriel and i have the touch that, that feeling.
The time i like is the rush hour, because i like to touch the rush And and that was, that was the beginning of it.
And I just thought I was like, if there's any sport, this would be perfect for for Timmy.
And he and he and he spent like seven years.
I remember he played me early on six years, six years.
Yeah.
Cause he was doing it in tandem with Dylan.
And I remember he played me and my wife, we went to see him.
He played, he was just starting to learn guitar.
He didn't know how to play guitar when he'd started doing Dylan at all.
And he's like, Oh, I want to play you a Dylan song.
And I wish I could remember the song.
I remember him playing and me looking at my wife and I was like, it's going to be a rough one.
You know, it was like, he was like, well, that was good.
Right.
I was like, you're amazing, man.
That was, that was something.
And I meant it was something.
Yeah.
Yeah.
That was something.
Right.
That's what people said to Dylan originally, too.
But then I watched him over the years in tandem with table tennis and he started training with this guy who was the youngest US champion, this guy, Michael Landers, who was on a Wheaties box at one point.
Maybe it was not Wheaties, but it was another cereal brand.
Anyway, I watched him train, and he got the mechanics good.
And then, by the time, I linked him with these guys, this husband-wife team, Diego Scoff and his wife Wei Wang, who she was an Olympian, who he did because I read that he did Forrest Gump
And I was like I need whoever did Forrest Gump I loved as a kid.
I loved that section, which is inspired by an amazing true story in the 70s that broke down the communication between China and the U?
S.
It was through relations.
Yeah.
It was through table tennis.
It was like hippie guy missed his bus in Tokyo in the seventies and or the sixties and got onto the Chinese bus and they were all.
They hadn't seen an American person.
So now there's this like long haired guy and he's like, Hey, peace and love everybody.
Yeah.
And the number one player in the world goes up to him, gives him a gift.
The guy gives him a gift back.
And that made news.
And then Mao was invited the team to China.
And then that broke.
And then Nixon was like, all right.
And then it became known as ping pong diplomacy.
Nixon visited shortly after.
And I didn't know that story until I was doing research for this.
But you watch Forrest Gump and you assume all of that sequence when you know when he's like showing up like Zelig and all the world is.
Yeah.
But but anyway, so how did I get on that?
Oh, ping pong with Diego, Diego, who did Forrest Gump when they met with him.
You know, Diego is has this incredible.
So Diego is is helping to instruct Timothy.
He's going to way, is going to his wife, is going to teach him how to play better, because the mechanics had to be perfect.
And Diego is going to be the choreographer consultant.
And he has this incredible recorded like library of footage of going back to the 80s of these amazing games.
So we combed through all of those and built each point, the narratives of each point.
It's unbelievable.
And we, yeah, it was really, yeah.
So the games, I imagine, I hope the games are really engaging and entertaining.
The games are thrilling.
Yeah.
They are, they're thrilling to watch.
Yeah.
And you know again, what adds to it is that Marty's desperately wanting to be the best and show everybody actually probably knows I am the best and I need to show everybody I'm the best and I will do anything.
I love the Guinness Book of World Records.
I've always loved it.
I was fascinated with that when I was.
Because it's amazing, because you'd be like, wow, this guy's the best at this thing.
He can hold his breath for three and a half minutes while balancing a ball on his head.
There's something really beautiful about the desire to have a place in the sun, basically.
It's a car like and everybody.
And then dreams, in particular, are fascinating to me because they're and I told the story kind of like a heist film.
You know it's it's, but it's like dreams as heists, you're like trying to control your own fate.
And, uh, I think that kind of adds to a little bit level of suspense.
It's like you're watching somebody.
You know His dream is totally ridiculous to 999 of the people he meets.
And every moment that people do not buy into his dream or and every moment he fails is approbation to them.
So it's like the whole every time he gets set back in the movie.
I think what I like to hear is people really feel that.
And it adds a level of tension to it, but it's about a guy who really just wants to be the greatest table tennis player.
It doesn't really get him anything.
There's a lot of things about Marty that's unlikable.
You know very brash, very rude, cutting corners left and right, throwing people under the bus if he has to.
And yet there's not a person watching that movie who isn't rooting for him.
And I find that to be really fascinating.
And that's the sleight of hand that I think is really magical about, you know.
Well, you have to give somebody, I think love is more important than likability.
And I believe that those moments that you are connecting with him are kind of pure.
Yeah.
And they are, because they're pure, they have a feeling of love attached to them.
Yeah, liking is more of a casual thing.
Uh, and look, you know i, i and i think that he's out chasing happiness, desperately chasing happiness, and happiness is a very fleeting kind of haunted feeling.
Happiness is very, is kind of sad in a way, because it's so hard to to achieve.
It's trying to grab smoke exactly exactly, and i think that there is something sympathetic to it.
But i think his youth, I think when you're young, the concept of consequences.
So it's so small because the world is so big and because it's so big there's so many different options.
Well, that didn't work.
I can go over here.
And I think that that youth is also kind of a little bit of the movie is kind of about being an idiot in your 20s.
You know what I mean?
Oh, my God.
And also confidence.
Yes.
Oh, my God.
Yeah.
This guy who talks his way into all these situations and then he's in a big room and he's in London, I think.
Which one, in the dining hall with Kevin O'Leary when he comes up?
Well, he sees Gwyneth Paltrow's character come in.
So this extraordinarily beautiful woman comes in and he sees her and he's like, yep.
Going to call her up.
And then he.
Well, her stardom is like, it's so interesting to him.
He's just like, wow, she burns bright.
And he's upset.
The beginning, he's upset.
It's the press conference that he's manipulated.
He's upset that they're not paying attention to him in this moment.
Because he has everything totally figured out.
He knows how he's going to get.
He's going to say the things that are going to get a rise out of these people.
So they're going to want to write a piece about him.
Then he's going to be proud of his little.
I used to walk around with a little village voice clipping when I would do my research and I'd pull it out to show somebody like I'm a serious filmmaker.
Check it out.
Look at my little village voice clipping.
And in hindsight, I was so proud of those little clippings in hindsight.
It's probably kind of pathetic.
You know what I mean?
I'm like showing this tiny little clipping and I'm like, trust me, give me some money to make this movie.
Look at me.
I was in the village voice.
And like the minute someone pulls a clipping out of their wallet, you've lost the argument.
But he, but it's, but it's, but it's endearing when he, when Marty, does it in the movie with Gwyneth.
And I think that, like the magic with time, I've been able to kind of you know it was tragic but it's comedic.
You know what is the um Comedy is tragedy plus time, like that feels that.
I think that's what makes that funny is that it's so tragic that he is that way but he's so confident that it kind of downplays.
And I think his confidence is interesting to people.
I think it makes people are motivated to kind of want to root for him.
Plus, there's a little bit of a trick happening.
Where it's the sporting elements, you're forced to root for him.
Yes.
You know, like any I don't know any I don't understand anyone who watches sports casually.
Like you have to have a narrative.
You have to have a team that you root for.
There's stories inside of that so that you can invest yourself in the game.
Just like.
That's why I think people love gambling so much, because it's like oh, I get to watch the sport and have something that I really want out of it.
Yeah.
And I think that that that does help a little bit in the movie.
I think you feel like you really have to root for him.
Now let's go to 10,000 feet, Google Earth, out of this whole thing.
This movie now, it's awards season.
I was really there just now.
Yeah.
Now I'm going to go even higher and talk about, actually talk about plate tectonics.
But no movie awards season.
Are you chill during these situations where you're going to go to, depending on when this airs, But it's still going to be award season, I think, when this comes out.
And are you able to go and be somewhat detached, or are you?
Is every fiber of your being hope that you come home with a big award?
Oh, my God.
No.
I you know, part of the inspiration for this movie was the feeling that I had after finishing Uncut Gems.
You have this like 10 year journey where you're filtering your entire life through these characters.
You're trying to understand your life through fiction and you're writing, you're creating these characters and maybe you can change the way you feel.
And like oh, that's why I did this, said this to my girlfriend or something whatever, did this to my buddy uh, and i woke up every morning i had this and i was like i gotta get adam sandler guy.
I'm saying then finally you're making the movie with a decent budget and with adam sandler, and then it's done.
And then i finished the movie and i'm showing it and the pandemic's like around the corner unknowingly, and someone said what's next?
And i started to cry because i was like i didn't know, i had this hollow feeling because this thing that was like my drive every single day was gone.
Didn't you contemplate maybe, being an architect?
I did.
How do you know that?
I ask around.
I walk around alleys with Abel Ferrari.
Give people $20.
What's the word?
What's the word on Josh?
Well, I said to Ronnie, I said to Ronnie, I said, I don't even know if I want to do this anymore.
And he was like, whoa, you're my writing partner.
What do you mean?
And I was like, I do.
I would love to one day build a building.
That's like my big dream.
I like the feeling of a narrative, of a building, of going in and experiencing and having something happen inside, going out the back and coming through and then like forever that area, you have like a relationship with it.
But so I've had that hollow feeling when I shouldn't have had a hollow feeling.
I should have felt incredible, should have felt like I did this thing, I should have felt a sense of accomplishment, but I didn't.
And that feeling is, you see that at the end of Marty a little bit, you know that he finally does this thing, but it's for who?
For himself or what?
And dreams are really lonely.
So that I have that now, I can't, I'm not going to lie.
I feel with this and it's, yeah.
And I'm next is the is the.
I'm going to contact Burger King about designing their new because I think that there needs to be more aesthetics in fast food.
I don't like the direction of that.
The fast food has gone in.
You know what's going to happen?
You're going to go into the Burger King because you want to design a better Burger King.
And you're going to see someone working the fryer and go, that face.
You're the next Myrna Loy.
Myrna Loy?
The fuck is Myrna Loy?
But I do feel like, so right now, like I'm just having a slightly like disassociative feeling.
Sure.
Kind of like you made this really personal thing.
It's connecting with people and audiences.
Yeah, and uh deservedly so.
I went.
I was once in a film festival and they uh in poland, and these were like a lot of very small art films and i was there, a movie tiny movie that me and my brother made, and there's other movies that we like and they sat us all in one room.
He said one of you will be leaving with 200 000 euro, And it's look to your right and look to your left and it might be them and it might not be you.
And all of a sudden everyone's looking at each other like, oh, you get competitive.
They're like, holy shit.
And it was horrible.
I didn't like that.
I thought I was coming to this festival to share this thing, get to see Poland.
Then that volcano happened.
Remember the volcano eruption that no one could say the name of that volcano.
And then, all of a sudden, all of the US judges who were supposed to come in and be a part of the government were grounded in America.
So I'm like, oh, shoot, our best.
You know, you and Benny and I are figuring out how we're not going to win because we had these US judges.
So then we partnered with another filmmaker.
We're like all right if you win which we thought they had another great movie.
If you win, let's share the money.
And he was like, that's a deal done.
And then, you know, you get there and you're just looking at everybody.
And the competition thing is kind of weird.
That said, it's nice to win.
So who won?
Oh, no, some of the Polish film, because they only could use Polish people. and the jury.
So you thought this was going to a place like, and we won!
Hey, do me a favor, Josh.
Let's do a rewrite.
No, no, no.
You won!
But you wanted to know.
What's interesting is that they said we really wanted to go and visit Auschwitz and they said, you know okay well, you know, there's a bit of a situation because, because there was this volcano, things are really scrambled.
We can't really get people, all the people who want to go, to go at once.
So we're going to go at 2 pm.
So we went at 2 pm, you drive, we get there.
And this woman who ran like another film festival was like oh man, i didn't realize i had this screening at 6 pm.
It's not like 4 pm.
It takes like an hour to get back.
And they were like she's like can we do an abridged version of this tour?
And I'm looking at a bridge version of a tour of Auschwitz.
And they're like, well, it takes like three hours to walk it.
And the woman's like, can we do the hour version?
And I'm like, look at this person.
And we're literally like running through Auschwitz.
That's where they experimented on the fetuses.
This is where they did this.
And that's where they did that.
And we're looking around and then.
The alternative.
If you won to the 200000 euros, you can get 2 million euros to make a movie that takes place in Poland.
So that was going to be the movie.
It was going to be this comedy that took place at Auschwitz about the tourism industry.
Difficulty of the dive.
Yeah.
I always judge a project by difficulty of the dive.
Your comedy about Auschwitz is pretty good.
Well listen, I have to say I wish you all the best, because I really did love this movie, as did so many other people.
And I wish you well.
And I think you're the real deal.
Thank you so much for being here.
Thank you so much.
That was amazing.
Okay, I have a burning issue I'd like to discuss.
Burning?
No, no, not that.
Creams have solved that issue.
And various ointments, salves, and related balms.
But that's not the point.
The point is there's something real that's happening in the world.
Sona, why don't you tell the good people what I like to have maybe three days out of the week.
You like to have what was formerly known as the Hailey Bieber smoothie from Erewhon.
Yes.
And so Erewhon makes this smoothie.
It only costs $800.
You need a cosigner at the bank.
But you get this smoothie.
It's very delicious.
And it's got various flaxes and resins, balms and ointments, aforementioned.
It's got all kinds of stuff in it, but tastes good.
And I really like it.
I don't get it all the time, but I get it maybe twice, maybe three times a week, sometimes on a busy week.
And your skin looks great.
It's been so good for my skin.
And it is called the Haley Bieber smoothie.
Right.
Very recently, David went out and grabbed me one and he came back and he was pale as a ghost.
Ashen.
I just like, what happened?
And he said, it's no longer called the Haley Bieber smoothie.
He looked up for it on the board.
It's not there.
There's not even an indicator like this is what you used to buy or formerly known as?
No, her name's not there.
It's no longer called the Haley Bieber smoothie.
I think it's called... The strawberry glaze smoothie.
So there's just no name associated with it.
Right.
There's no celebrity name and I don't trust any product that doesn't have...
A celebrity name.
Oh.
I'm very hardcore about that.
Do you know what I mean?
If I'm going to grill something, it's got to be on the George Foreman grill.
Will you just do any rockin' New Year's Eve or only Dick Clark's rockin'?
Only Dick Clark's, and God rest his soul, I won't.
If someone says hey, let's rock this Eve, I'm like yeah, but it's not going to be just a generic rock.
It's got to be the Dick Clark New Year's rockin' Eve.
So I am very much... attached to celebrity endorsement.
It's the only kind of product that I really want or that I trust.
So this has been a blow.
And I do think there needs to be a celebrity name attached to that smoothie.
And so this message is going out to the good people at Erewhon.
I know that you must be devastated.
My guess is that they had Hailey Bieber under contract for a certain amount of time and it expired.
Yeah.
And so now they're back to just old raspberry glaze.
Strawberry.
Okay, whatevs.
Do you know what I mean?
But I don't want to walk up to the counter and say, I'll have just some strawberry glaze.
Boring.
Exactly.
Where are you headed with this?
I think we all know.
You need a celebrity attached to this, and it needs to be someone who...
Young compared.
Young compared.
Hold on.
It's all relative.
Young compared to say people that were serving when Pearl Harbor was bombed.
I think it's all relative.
It's got to be a whippersnapper, which means anyone under 70. real hip and cool.
Eduardo pulled it up.
Just to chime in, technically it looks like the name is the Strawberry Glaze Skin Smoothie.
Yes.
Okay.
I'm going somewhere with this.
Thank you, nerd.
Well, I just wanted to say that I think, whoever they choose next, whether it be you or somebody else, they're going to want to be their model for the skin.
Yes, yes, okay.
And this is why some people listening are like oh, that's going to be a problem for what Conan's about to pitch.
No, no, no, no, no.
It's all the more reason.
A lot of people associate Conan O'Brien with, oh, his super quick wit.
You know, those bedroom eyes.
The eye vein.
The eye vein that is in a bedroom.
Okay.
No, the hair, the pompadour, you know, all that kind of stuff, whatever.
First of all, I have a kind of strawberry look.
That's true.
Yes, I do have that.
Oh, yeah, you're making some points here.
And I do have beautiful skin.
It really does glow.
It really does.
Because you can see light through it.
You can see my skeletal structure.
Okay.
I am the visible woman.
And so I'm just saying I'm a pretty big name.
And yeah.
Am I young?
No, I'm not young.
But also, I'm one of those people you're like, you're not really sure how old that guy is.
It's true.
If you don't have immediate access to the internet.
So...
And I behave in a very youthful manner.
I'm very immature.
Yeah.
So all I'm saying is I am willing to lend my name.
And when I say lend, yes, there will be financial compensation.
But I am willing to throw my hat into the ring because I'm sure other celebrities are are pitching this hard.
I know for a fact that Paul Rudd was in there two days ago just screaming at them to call it the Paul Rudd.
And that is a death knell for that.
Yes.
Does it have to be that one?
Or are you open to naming any one of their other?
This is my opening.
It's a very popular smoothie, Eduardo.
Why would you cock block me with this?
They have like a whole bunch more.
Let's see what we got here.
All right.
They have an incessant bits smoothie?
That should be you.
Yeah.
Wow.
Just an incessant bit smoothie that they already have and it says made with real comedy bits.
You should choose the always on.
I feel like this has to be it because this is the one you drink all the time.
Oh, look.
Perfect Amino Choco Revive.
By Gary Brekka.
That one's got a name.
Yeah, who's Gary Brekka?
I would do this Conan O'Brien smoothie.
I'm sorry, if they're putting Gary Brekka's name on a smoothie, then yes.
I think he's like a longevity expert.
Yeah, okay.
We'll see.
Yeah, exactly.
Let's see.
Gorgie Cherry Crush.
I mean, if it's not... I'm putting my name in for this because there's a void.
But if it has to be another smoothie, we can talk about that later.
But you've opened a whole can of worms here.
Yeah, I think this makes sense because you...
I enjoy it.
Yeah, you're red.
I'm plugging it right now.
I am red.
I have luminous skin.
Yeah.
I am married to Justin Bieber.
You're like, if you can't get Hailey Bieber, you seem like the obvious second choice to Hailey Bieber.
So that makes sense.
Yes.
I actually think it would serve them well.
But can't you see people saying, I want the Conan O'Brien?
I want the Conan O'Brien.
Be honest.
Can you see them doing that?
I actually would.
I'm not even joking.
I think that Erewhon should name this movie after you.
But wait, when you say compensation, what do you mean?
Do you want like $200?
Yeah.
I'm not fucking around here, okay?
First of all, I would get my representation involved and I would just start to hammer Erewhon.
And I mean hammer them.
Okay, but that might not work.
Well, first of all, I'd go in and I'd say, what did Hailey Bieber get?
They would give an amount and I'd say, I get 80% more.
I've been around a lot longer.
I think I have even better skin than her.
It glows more.
What?
No, but you don't.
Are you at all worried?
You don't have better skin?
Don't yuck my yum.
Are you worried at all?
You're not using it right.
You know, Lazenby followed Connery for Bond.
Yeah.
Lazenby was great.
Lazenby did a good job.
He did.
A lot of people, when you say James Bond, they think Lazenby.
Oh, boy.
They don't think.
No, he's one of the best Bonds.
And he's one of the Bonds people think about the most, even though he only did for Her Majesty's Secret Service.
Or on Her Majesty's Secret Service.
Okay.
But wouldn't it be like going from Sean Connery to like.
That's what he just said.
Are you high right now?
Are you high?
I see what you mean, like Sean Connery to like Mickey Rooney.
Yes, thank you.
Well, no, I was thinking someone even, yeah, like older.
Oh, older than Sean Connery.
Mickey Rooney was long dead.
Yeah.
And was old before he died.
Yeah.
Really old.
Yeah, but like, you know, like, I don't know, Abraham Lincoln.
Have you seen Lincoln's skin?
Very dry.
Look at those Brady portraits.
It's got very dry skin.
I just think there's so many young people that go that know Haley Bieber.
I'm not saying young people don't know you because I know young people know you.
Oh, they know Conan O'Brien and they have to deal with Conan O'Brien.
They have to accept him as a reality.
I don't even know what I'm saying.
I'm like gravity.
You got to deal with me sooner or later.
I'm gravity.
I will get you sooner or later.
Oh, there's no escaping this Conan O'Brien.
He's not even my generation.
What if this actually does turn into Erewhon coming back and saying, let's do this?
Great.
I know.
Also, when I said great, I meant great for Erewhon.
Great for them.
Great for anyone who likes a good smoothie and wants to see it succeed.
Because I bet there are a lot of people like me who need a celebrity endorsement to really trust a product.
Let me ask you this.
Let's say they come back to you and they're like we want to change it to Conan O'Brien the Conan O'Brien smoothie.
We feel we need to lower the price a little.
We need to reduce the price by about 90%.
You having a good laugh over there?
I removed most of the good ingredients.
How you doing over there, Chuckles?
It's just crushed ice and some unpasteurized milk.
With sprinkles, with a swirl of asbestos.
We got real 1950s asbestos and swirled it in.
Listen, I accept the realities of the marketplace.
I am a capitalist and I live and die by the capitalist system.
So I accept the realities of the marketplace.
Am I as attractive as Hailey Bieber?
No, I am not.
Am I as vital?
Am I as much a hero to the young people?
I get it.
I'm not.
So yes, it'd be a price reduction.
Yes, they would probably have to discontinue some of the really good stuff that's in there and replace it with, I'll just say, older stuff, same ingredients, but they're like weeks old.
No, not weeks old.
What if they change the name?
All the ingredients have to be from the kennedy administration.
Yeah, but i mean milk that's still left over from the kennedy administration.
What did you change the name of it, though?
Instead of just being the conan o'brien smoothie, wouldn't it be something a little bit more fun, like the?
What do you mean?
He needs that name recognition.
I need the name.
Okay.
People want the name.
Maybe you could have a descriptor in the name of who you are.
And then like in parentheses, he hosted a show for a long time.
Your parents would know who he is or something like, I don't know.
No, no.
This is a bummer.
Ask your parents.
No.
Ask your parents smoothly.
No, Sona.
This is not what we're doing.
It's just ground up K rations with the metal tin included.
Yeah.
Yeah.
We took Korean War rations.
Put them in a blender.
We found some government-issue peanut butter from 1963.
And some Lucky Strike cigarettes.
Listen.
I get it.
Yes, you are right.
There have to be some adjustments to the product.
I understand that.
These Erewhon people aren't dumb.
They'll do the right thing.
And I get it.
I have some humility, but I will replace Hailey Beaver and it will be the Conan O'Brien smoothie.
I'm going to make this happen.
To be continued.
I hope so.
Yeah.
All right.
If the ball's in your court, Erewhon, if that's even a real name.
Conan O'Brien Needs a Friend with Conan O'Brien, Sonam Ovsessian, and Matt Gourley.
Produced by me, Matt Gourley.
Executive produced by Adam Sachs, Jeff Ross, and Nick Liao.
Theme song by The White Stripes.
Incidental music by Jimmy Vivino.
Take it away, Jimmy.
Our supervising producer is Aaron Blair.
And our associate talent producer is Jennifer Samples.
Engineering and mixing by Eduardo Perez and Brendan Burns.
Additional production support by Mars Melnick.
Talent booking by Paula Davis, Gina Batista, and Brit Kahn.
You can rate and review this show on Apple Podcasts and you might find your review read on a future episode.
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