Hey, Kelly.
Screw you.
Excuse me.
That is no way to address a superior.
Oh, yeah?
Screw you, too.
Whoa.
What was that all about?
You forgot her birthday.
It was yesterday.
Go ahead.
You do it.
Okay.
I insist.
Basically, after Phelps blackmailed Angela, Michael asked them both to step down from the party planning committee because there was too much drama.
What he said was there was a problem with having one head of the party planning committee.
She becomes too powerful, so he appointed two heads.
Party planner?
This is literally the stupidest thing you've ever done.
This is humiliating.
That's on my side.
So this is fun.
My birthday was yesterday and everybody forgot.
I got really dressed up and excited and no one said a word.
There wasn't even a party.
I think sometimes people are really mean to the hot popular girl.
Are you kidding?
Well, I'm not done yet.
Dwight, this fits in the palm of my hand.
You haven't blown them up enough.
Why have you chosen brown and gray balloons?
They match the carpet.
What is that?
It is your birthday, period.
Is this even a fact?
Not even an exclamation point?
This is more professional.
It's not like she discovered a cure for cancer.
I can't believe how bad this looks.
Are you trying to hurt my feelings?
Because if so, you are succeeding.
Fortunately, my feelings regenerate at twice the speed of a normal man's.
Okay, good then.
Have you collected the money from everyone?
I am working on it.
How much do you have?
Six dollars.
That's how much you and I contributed!
Damn it, Jim!
I said I was working on it.
What did you do?
Stop yelling at me.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
What did you learn in there?
I bet you learned things, huh?
Like how to fashion a shiv.
Hey, what the hell's going on?
Why don't you tell Jim where you were from ages 14 to 15?
I was kicking up.
In juvie.
What?
Juvie.
Nile.
Detention center.
Where they send teenagers.
Yep.
Got it.
What did you do?
Huh?
Hey, Dwight?
Sounds like she was 14, so maybe we want to go a little easy.
If she's old enough to get married, she's old enough to follow the law.
What did you do?
My boyfriend dumped me, so I stole his boat.
I mean, he told me it was his boat.
It was actually his father's.
And I just thought it'd be really romantic, like Thelma and Louise, but with, like, a boat.
And it was the worst year of my life and I can't believe that you guys are making me talk about this on my birthday.
I thought you said yesterday was your birthday.
You know what?
I got you a cake.
You did?
I want to see the cake.
And ta-da.
I hate it.
How do you hate it?
It's a cake.
Well, there's no flowers or toys or, I mean, there's nothing on it.
Where did you even find a cake like this?
I mean, it doesn't have my name on it.
Do you guys know what my name is?
My name is Kelly.
Right.
I forgot if there was an E between the L and the Y. I still don't know.
I mean, I don't even know what the theme is.
What's the theme?
Spread fasting.
Those aren't themes.
There's always a theme.
There's always a theme.
Nice job on the cake, bozo.
OK, you know what?
Next time, I'll let you get the cake, and I get to scream at the birthday girl.
OK, so all we need is a theme, and cups, and ice, and punch, and cake.
Busy.
Hey, what's that show that she's always talking about?
Oh my God, is this how you are with Pam?
Because she must want to shoot herself in the face.
You know what?
I could use a little help.
You know what?
I'm a little busy.
We have a lot to do, and you are...
Putting up a very effeminate sign.
Is that what you've been doing?
It's not effeminate.
It's festive.
You've been making that sign for something that we could just announce to the whole office.
Hey everybody, the party's now at three.
I know, I just read it on the sign.
You have to write my suggestions down too.
I'm not writing horse hunt.
I don't even know what that means.
It's in the name.
Okay, so far.
Our ideal party consists of beer fights to the death cupcakes, blood pudding, blood touch football, mating charades and yes, horse hunting.
You're right.
Forget horse hunting.
It's stupid.
Is there a birthday that you remember that you loved?
Here's one.
It was dark, warm, wet.
A sudden burst of light.
An intense pressure like I'd never felt before.
Father, dressed in white, pulls me forward.
Mother bites the cord.
Okay, stop.
Forever stop that story.
That's disgusting, and it doesn't count.
So give me another one.
Schutzen celebrate birthdays, idiot.
It started as a Depression-era practicality and then moved on to an awesome tradition that I look forward to every year.
What about you?
Actually, when I was seven, my dad took me to the Natural History Museum in New York.
And we looked at fossils all day.
And at the end of the day, he got me little plastic triceratops.
It was awesome.
That's cool.
Hey, you know what's even cooler than Triceratops?
Every other dinosaur that ever existed.
Didn't see that one coming.
Happy birthday!
Surprise!
Hey, it's not a surprise.
This doesn't look good.
What?
You have a cake.
You have a delicious cake with your name spelled correctly.
Told you.
You haven't heard our theme, though.
You don't hear a theme.
You see it.
Why is there a chiclet on my cake?
That's the best part.
That represents a pillow or a television.
Our theme, if you will.
Because the fun part is you get to decide on an hour of television or an hour of napping.
That's our theme.
Cool.
Yeah?
I love it.
Oh, yes!
Okay, good.
So what's it gonna be, Kapoor?
Ooh, can she pick a half hour of each?
No.
Oh, then pick TV.
Take a nap.
No, no.
Watching TV at work is really cool.
Big nap.
Nothing good is on right now.
Bonnie, how are you, son?
You know what?
I have been watching TV all week.
I choose nap.
All right.
Okay, nap it is.
Everyone out.
Get out.
We're going to be eating cake at our desks.
Let's go.
Move it.
Let's go, go, go, go, go.
Come on.
This is for you.
And... Happy birthday, Kel.
Thank you.
Okay.
You've got one hour.
I'm too excited to sleep.
Hmm.
Great cake.
Thanks.
Birthday time is over.
Go make up for all the work you missed when you were taking your nap.
Many happy returns.
